tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-292051622024-03-14T04:51:09.674+00:00Recovery ArchiveFor my Sponsees. Ongoing posts to explain my personal interpretation, and preferred method, of recovering from Alcoholism, using the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous as a template. Based on 20yrs sober life experience. I just add bits when I remember something. NOBODY, including myself, speaks for AA as a whole. Take what you like and leave the rest. Live and Let Live. The Principles of Unity and Tolerance of other people's views and opinions are FAR more important than ANY personality in AAAn Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.comBlogger611125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-88508844596612543872019-11-24T17:31:00.000+00:002019-11-24T17:32:14.804+00:00Just checking in.. apologies for neglecting to post..<br />
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My goodness how time flies.
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I wonder how many of the old bloggers are still around. How many are still going..
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It’s good to see that Syd is still posting at <a href="http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/">http://fine-anon.blogspot.com/</a> he is very diligent at posting on a regular basis.
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I have not got much to say about recovery except I should explain I suppose that I am still not drinking and not taking any mind bending drugs. .as has been the case as I first came to AA all those years ago.
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I only recently discovered that lot of AA members medicate / relapse using drugs from their Narcotics Anonymous end of the spectrum and keep going to AA meetings saying that they are still sober. It would never cross my mind to say I was sober if I had been smoking pot all weekend or had relapsed on some kind of drug. But this seems to be what a lot of people do for some reason. Very strange. I don’t see any distinction between getting drunk or getting high. They’re both medicating ones emotional state by using mind altering substances. There was never any distinction between getting high or drunk when I was new. But for some reason some AAs keep coming to meetings saying that they are sober when they’ve been relapsing every other week on some drug. Go figure.
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As usual there’s always tons of people in the first five years and a massive shortfall at the 10 year mark. It would be great if they all stayed sober indefinitely but sadly they don’t. Still there’s nothing I can do about that I just make myself available to people who are willing to go to any lengths and take suggestion. Even though there seems to be a very small number willing to do that. And the relapse rates reflect that tendency.
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Recovery was never terribly popular. Most want to do half measures and there is absolutely nothing I can do to change that.
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I find increasingly as I become a tinier and tinier minority in groups dominated by people full of confidence.. five years sober who very rarely make it to 10 years.. that the Al-Anon principles are terribly important in my recovery. Meaning coming to terms with the wreckage in meetings and all the people who are not willing to go to any lengths. Most of my time is spent letting other people crash and burn who think they can do half measures or the easier softer way. I have to resist the urge to intervene when I can see the writing on the wall. It’s something I always did but I will only help people who ask me for help. AA works on attraction not promotion and if they don’t want it then I must let nature take its course. I would actually be interfering with their recovery if I tried to save them from the inevitable relapse. They say carry the message not the mess. But it’s knowing really when to sit on one’s hands and say nothing when you know the person you’re watching crash and burn has not got the gift of desperation, and does not want to go to any lengths, and thinks they still can beat it on their own terms. So I can see the value of Al-Anon now. And I don’t think I am nearly as proficient at practising its principles than the Al-Anon’s but I am working at getting there.
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But yes as the years progress ageing is hard work. Working against the inertia of the body and keeping energy levels reasonable isn’t easy.. Replacing old activities with new ones.. all the adjustments. Everybody I know tinkers with their diet endlessly. Various shades of ketogenic diets and reduced carbohydrates seems to be what most people end up doing. It’s all a work in progress basically. Thank God recovery is very forgiving as far as ageing is concerned. Everybody I know in recovery looks a lot younger than their real age.
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But I hope that the Christmas and New Year period is going to be all right for you and your close ones. And if it isn’t, I hope that the meetings work their magic as they tend to do.
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..My writing feels very rusty because it’s such a long time since I posted here. </div>
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Thank God for the meetings in the programme. Everything else changes.. people disappear. The meetings change dramatically. And all you’ve got left hold onto is your own programme.. The meetings and the Fellowship. And of course the newcomers. I always bump into the occasional old-timer that I haven’t seen for a long time. But I am keenly aware that it is me who is the old timer now. And although I really like bumping into people who are longer sober than me I just very rarely meet them. They are out there and I enjoy speaking to them.. It’s just I have to make a bigger effort to get hold of them.
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It doesn’t matter what I learn it always ends up that I reach the conclusion that AA said it first. So I love AA. It’s still delivers. And I have not found any bogus bits yet. I’m still just as busy now as I was back in the day. I love learning new stuff so I’m always expanding my understanding. At the moment I’m an Al-Anon in training.. Among other things. I always have a shopping list as long as my arm about all the things I want to learn.. Whether it’s to do with learning how to live a spiritual life or whatever.
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So it never ends. lol
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I know it’s coming up to Christmas and a lot of people find that period very difficult. When I was very new I just went to lots and lots of meetings. That’s how I stayed reasonably sane. I love to avoid lots of the Christmas fuss. That’s just me. I’m not saying that’s right it’s just what I do. I just treat it as just another day. I do go out and do things but it’s in the most low-key way possible.
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All I can say is for all the people who are new that the only way I got sober was by giving up the idea that I knew best and taking on board another person’s suggestions who I checked out very carefully before I asked them to help me. Where I live a lot of people just ask the first friendly face they see to sponsor them and often that person has a very weak grasp of recovery, and they end up with a very watered-down programme which doesn’t keep them sober. I think a lot of people might be treating AA like some sort of social club or something. it’s a lot trendier than it was when I was new. So A lot of people go there and talk to people and treat it like a social club and then wonder why they relapse.. yup.. times have changed.
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Well I hope December is all right for you. It makes a lot of people stressed and depressed where I live. Hence my avoidance of a lot of the events around that time. I do like all the meetings that they hold on Christmas day.
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As usual I’ve written far too much so sorry for waffling.
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The email that I set up with this blog doesn’t work anymore.. They discontinued the service.. so I apologise if you sent an email and then wondered why you haven’t heard from me. I can respond to the messages on the blog but the email stopped working years ago. I tried to recover the email address but they weren’t having any of it lol..
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In the meantime the very best to you.. keep on trudging that road. I will make an effort to visit the blogs and be a more neighbourly blogger :)
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An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-33673318139954499792016-03-13T23:18:00.003+00:002016-03-13T23:18:53.705+00:00Found the blog login details again :)Hallo again :) So much has happened to all the other bloggers since I have posted. Very impressed by how diligently and consistently everyone else has been posting. It is very reassuring to see the same faces. I'm sorry I took an extended leave of absence. Writing is a good way to think out loud and I like trying to explain things as it helps me keep track.<br />
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It's late and I will have to get to bed quite soon but have resurrected an old puter with old passwords on it that I haven't used for a long time, because another puter is out getting mended. I thought I had lost the login for the blog but turns out it was still on here :)<br />
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If I were to jump on a theme in AA that seem s current the moment I would say it is something called 'AA lite' which is the word I use for when the methods used in treatment centres are somehow conflated with the AA method to such an extent that the new people (and a lot of other people) cannot tell them apart. <br />
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Another theme is the preoccupation with finance and getting money generally. The recession or downturn or whatever you like to call it seems to have made people a lot more money minded. I've nothing against money per se, but I don't like it when money comes first and all else is trampled in it's wake. I seem to have discovered strange goings on that seem to have their problems rooted in money. Basicaly people who seem to be using the aa meetings for personal profit or whatever. Financial 13th stepping.<br />
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Here it tends to happen in the richer areas of town. There are some regular aa's that I really wonder if they are alcoholics at all or if they just go to meetings to garner some bogus respect and worm their way into some wealthy and well connected associations. So now I listen a lot more carefully to how people describe their drinking, as I suspect a few are not what they seem. Since I have been paying more attention to this activity, some of the people who seem bogus have been looking nervous and trying to befriend me, so I suspect they know I think something is up.<br />
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Basically I have a clearer picture how some people use aa meetings for financial advantage, I always knew it was there in some form or other, but have stumbled across a few dodgy people up to no good. I am powerless over them unfortunately. But at least now I can warn wealthy newcomers to watch out for aa members posing as helpers and advisers who will hand pick the wealthiest newcomers in the room and charm them into a premature and ill advised temporary sponsorship situation.. then drop lots of hints about expensive treats they would like to take part in or own. Thankfully there are not too many people doing this here, but they are regular faces at the wealthiest meetings. Oh well. And on that cheery note I wish you well and will drop by and say hello..An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-17554493450787454012013-03-09T10:49:00.001+00:002013-03-09T10:55:05.233+00:00 Rescuing a newcomer from a 13th stepper13 stepping seems to be as rife as ever it was. I went to a meeting last week where there was only one female newcomer and so I went and spoke to her right at the very end. I didn't waste much time. Within 30 seconds a creepy bloke less than five years sober who looked to me to be a bit dodgy was over at the speed of light and asked her in a particularly manipulative fashion to go for coffee. On the face of it it didn't appear to be a particularly aggressive or overbearing request but it was extremely manipulative and it didn't escape my attention.<br />
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The poor newcomer didn't know quite what to say so agreed to go for coffee. Even I would have found it difficult to roadblock his seemingly inoffensive invitation to coffee at this point. Instead I waited until he had gone and I said to the newcomer "do you really want to go for coffee with that person?" Sure enough she said that she didn't really want to. I also said <b>"you realise that it is considered bad form for men in meetings to befriend women who are very new and ask them to go for coffee?"</b> I asked had she heard of 13 stepping? I said to her <b>"what do you think this behaviour tells you about his sobriety?</b>" I said "I would say it is not a good recommendation for either his sobriety or the type of person that he is." I told her "I'll handle it" we went outside of the meeting and proceeded to make our way to the usual coffee place.<br />
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We made no effort to invite him or include him in the group. While we were walking up the road he very silently and stealthily managed to catch up with us and just started walking alongside us like he was part of the group that was invited. Nobody said anything. After about 15 seconds of him walking alongside silently I just turned and said "we've changed our mind, so it's just us not that will be be going for coffee if that's all right." He didn't know quite what to say to that. He mumbled some statement and stopped following us up the road. None of us said goodbye to him, we just carried on walking.<br />
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Sure enough when I had more time to speak to the newcomer it turned out that he had previously tried to manipulate her into some kind of sexual situation to which she had objected. There's one in every meeting it seems. <b>You have to be careful and really watch out for the new women because there is nearly always one sexually predatory or lonely male in every meeting.</b> They are very clued up as to who has the most easy to manipulate and will always make a beeline for the newest woman. We ended up having a really nice evening because we went out for coffee with the newcomer and she was very relieved to have escaped it the clutches of the dodgy bloke. She learnt that you can stand up for yourself without being aggressive or strange, and to be a lot more cautious about people she meets. <span style="color: #cc0000;"><b>Meaning she shouldn't assume that everybody in the meeting has her best interests at heart.</b></span> We ended up having a lot of fun. I'm just very glad I managed to get to speak to her quickly before the other guy got there first at the end of the meeting. Anyway I hope you had a nice weekend and thanks for taking the time to read this.An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-3996482900679165102013-03-07T18:44:00.000+00:002013-03-07T19:00:17.348+00:00We can be a great blessing to others in times of real crisisReading <a href="http://fine-anon.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/grief.html" target="_blank">Syd's blog posts</a> about bereavement made me think about how <i>draining</i> it is processing grief. In my case what was probably more draining than the caretaking prior to death and the grieving, was dealing with disturbed and obstructive family members who basically <i>lost the plot because they were not living along spiritual lines. </i><br />
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Testing times like a critically ill family member or the death process itself really shows in stark relief who has a spiritual program and who doesn't. The members of my family that were <i>heavily invested in worldly affairs and had no real spiritual life to speak of really lost it big time.</i> When I say they didn't have spiritual life, they did have what <i>looked</i> like a religious interest, but to my way of thinking they had no real spiritual life. They weren't terribly nice people to begin with and the whole death process really brought out the worst in them. And I think that was by far the most draining issue. <br />
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Also the aftermath such as organising the funeral, all <i>the social awkwardness that goes along with everybody else's very negative perception of the death process really takes its tol</i>l. There seem to be very few people who are able to process the whole bereavement thing gracefully or skilfully, and instead thrash around in self-centred misery and don't think very much about what they can do for others as a way of getting out of themselves and relieving their emotional burden. Basically like most crises and difficult situations it really brings forth who has a spiritual program that <i>works</i> and who doesn't.<br />
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I think the 12-step program is an excellent induction into dealing with crises. I think people who have done the 12-step program really <i>shine</i> in difficult situations if they are using their programme well. I think we are very lucky. <i>We can be a great blessing to others in times of real crisis ..</i>in my opinion. That's what I find anyway. I hope you're having a nice Thursday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-6918173527720410172013-03-06T22:05:00.001+00:002013-03-06T22:51:58.835+00:00The rough-and-tumble unmasks the half measures membersFirstly I'd like to apologise for my lengthy absence. My computer was getting very buggy and slow and it badly needed an overhaul. I finally sorted out a new setup and so everything has finally cranked up to a more acceptable speed in the computer department.<br />
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I've also been very absorbed in the mine of information on YouTube in the form of documentaries and fascinating reports that would never normally be available on mainstream television. Some interesting news sources.. and I am constantly mining it for lengthy lectures on just about everything. I have to download them and listen to everything speeded up in order to get through it all. And somehow I still manage to not listen to everything.<br />
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As regards meetings, an enduring preoccupation of mine at the moment is forewarning people I suppose that length of time sober alone can mean very little. Perhaps because I frequently encounter the attitude that I might be beyond reproach because I've been sober for a long time, I find myself constantly warning people that <i>nobody is beyond reproach including me.</i> And that if I suddenly started acting in a strange or unreasonable way, then that behaviour speaks volumes and is far more important than how long I have been sober.<br />
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<b>"Be as gentle as doves, but as wise as serpents. for I send you out as sheep among wolves.." </b>as they say..<br />
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Basically I think that being around a long time makes it easier to look at who has fallen by the wayside over the last 20 something years. It seems like less of a mystery looks likethe people who come unstuck over time are <i>compromised</i> in some way, or have <i>sold out</i> in some form or other. I find it interesting over all these years watching who relapses. I hear things through the grapevine (usually when people who have been harmed in some way discuss their problems with me) about how certain AA people have been treating other people, and sure enough sometime later the people in AA who have been acting off beam seem to relapse. Eventually.<br />
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Who knows? but it's been something that's been on my mind lately because I think over the last six months or so quite a few people have crashed and burned. Meaning some people who had been around a long time and a short time who were acting in a harmful way towards others have relapsed. The masks have come off so to speak.<br />
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The good news is that the people whose program I respect have not relapsed. Every single person I know who consistently helps newcomers seems to stay sober. They might have other issues but at least they get to stay sober. I don't think AA was really intended to make everybody's issues <i>disappear</i>. <b>Everyone has issues. Doesn't matter who you are.</b> So that part doesn't bother me. The important thing is to stay sober and to try to <b>skillfully handle</b> the mental and emotional "stuff" in our heads instead of just being <i>dragged around by it heedlessly. </i>That's good enough for me. But like an Old-timer used to say <b>"I just do my lousy best" </b>and I think that's <i>very</i> good advice. Especially for those perfectionists out there.<br />
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It is my belief that the current economic pressures and general upheaval will have the effect of shaking from the tree the more "buffet-style" AA members. There are plenty of things to drive yourself mad about in the news so it will be interesting if nothing else.<br />
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<i>Basically I think that now is a good time to keep your side of the street clean, keep your head down and maintain your service by helping others in some form or other.</i> It's a very useful time to cultivate this selfless quality. And I don't mean be a martyr.<br />
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Despite all the fear mongering and upheaval going on I feel very positive and a little bit excited. I'm extremely glad at times like this that I had the opportunity to learn to live along spiritual lines.<br />
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Anyway sorry this post is too long again as usual. I'm going to try and be a little bit more brief because I suspect it is terribly boring reading long posts. Even with speed reading software.<br />
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Anyway I really hope everyone out there as well and maintaining a insightful and unfazed mindset in these somewhat challenging economic circumstances. Now that I have a spring cleaned kit I have no excuse not to be able to post more regularly. Thanks for taking the time to read this.An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-59823312262362633382012-08-11T15:57:00.002+01:002012-08-12T04:20:29.030+01:00“Dark Matter” shows up between years 5 and 10. Otherwise referred to as depression<div style="color: #444444; font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">
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-</style><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I've been meaning to write this post for a really long
time and I keep putting it on the pending tray because I really don't know if I'm able to do it justice in the written form. I've had this conversation
countless times verbally but I've never tried to commit it to a written form
and I am not sure whether or not it's possible for me to communicate myself
clearly enough on this tenuous and somewhat indefinable subject area. I will
give it a try.. I suspect I won't be able to explain it all in one post. When
I'm explaining things I like to explain it all in one go but if I try to do
that these blog posts just end up too long. (!)</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">By the way, I understand people have very different ideas about
depression and medication so I want to assure you in advance that I have no
objection to people making different choices than mine… I’m just saying here what
works for me in my own experience. Take what you like and leave the rest as
they say..</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Basically in summary I would say that <b>I expect 95/100
people who are performing a very diligent and capable program who are not
taking antidepressants, to experience some form of what I call "dark
matter" between the years of five and 10.</b> Normally I see these phases show
up in year <b>six</b> or <b>seven</b>, but I tend to have these conversations with people who
are at year <b>five</b> or alternatively years <b>six</b> or <b>seven</b>. I see nothing
"wrong" with these symptoms arising. I see it as part of the process.
I think that this period can be very unsettling for some people who don't know
how this pattern arises. They either blame the past, or they blame AA, or they
blame their program. I don't see it as an issue of blame. But I do think there
are things you can do to make this part of the journey easier. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">My solutions are what I would call <b>step 11 and 12 solutions</b>.
But I am very particular about what type of step 11 solutions I advocate for
people with this type of problem. Basically I shop around for what I consider
to be <b>the most sane and mature step 11 community</b> within relatively easy reach,
and those are the people that I suggest sponsees spend time with if they are
going through these uncomfortable patches. I don't advocate antidepressants not
even for people I am sponsoring who are suicidal. So far anyway this approach has
worked.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I could go into an entirely separate post just devoted
to the use of antidepressants and the medical establishment and the way in
which treatment has changed over the last 20 years in respect to the use of
antidepressants, but I'm not even going to try addressing that particular
subject in this post. Basically (for a multitude of reasons but mainly as a
result of first hand experience in recovery) I don't advocate the use of
antidepressants. I have sponsored people who were taking a cocktail of pills or
prescribed medication before they met me in AA. I have always taken and
sponsees through a recovery process whereupon they end up coming off, and not
having to take the antidepressants. Basically they all come off the
antidepressants and they are all fine. So far. The people who used to be
suicidal no longer are suicidal. I've seen this process enough times at first
hand to know that it appears to work. I wouldn't recommend it otherwise. Having
said that, I have no idea how well it would work if you were simply to stop
taking antidepressants and not build new daily routines into your program. Such
as helping a newcomer every day. I've seen it work when people help newcomers
every day and tell the truth every day to at least one person. In other
words I've seen it work when people are selfless and they are going to any
lengths to try and practice the instructions in the book. I think if you are a
very self obsessed person and you rarely, if ever help a newcomer or do service
in AA meetings, then I suspect you will feel very, very uncomfortable if you
stop taking antidepressants. So basically when I'm helping Sponsees get off
antidepressants or other drugs, it is only on condition that they follow
instruction. If they are willing to <b>take instruction</b> and they're willing to go
to <b>any lengths</b> then I am more than happy to work with them in the course of
recovery, which would involve coming off antidepressants. If they weren't
willing to go to any lengths I wouldn't want to help them as I don't think it
will work if they stubbornly refuse to practice things that feel unfamiliar or
uncomfortable. I would insist that they try their hardest to be honest with me
every single day, and I would insist that they try their very best to be
selfless in whichever way they can. It has been very labour-intensive
working with people who come off antidepressants as I need to keep a
close eye on them which can be quite hard work. Thankfully it doesn't last very
long and they seem to come out of the woods fairly quickly if I'm steering them
in the right direction. I haven't yet had the experience of taking somebody off
antidepressants who has subsequently needed to go back on them, or has not been
able to deal with whatever "dark matter" arises. This only applies to
people who are helping newcomers by the way. It doesn't work and I've never
seen it work for people who are largely self obsessed.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Also it's not as simple as just helping others. I tell
people that it is not enough simply to <b>try</b> to be helpful. I tell them that they
have to actually say something pertinent, targeted and <b>strategically useful</b> to
the newcomer. In other words it's not good enough just to offer a encouraging
words, although encouraging words are not useless in themselves. But I use the example ..let's
say a battered wife who is also a newcomer. I would suggest that in addition to
offering encouragement to the battered wife, that you might also offer some
very useful targeted information that <b>specifically addresses</b> the fact that she's
being beaten up by somebody every day. So I might suggest a shelter. Or I might
suggest relying more heavily on her female friends for support in order to
build up enough courage to leave the person who's beating them up every day.
Occasionally people think that being helpful merely involves making <b>generic
encouraging remarks</b>. I don't think this is good enough. I think it's a question
of <b>addressing the most glaring need</b> at any given moment. If they are being
beaten by their husband, I try to say something helpful about how she can not
be beaten. If I am speaking to somebody who has just found out that their
cancer has returned, I will offer useful information that I believe will help
them address the cancer. If they have a bullying co-worker I will make
suggestions about how to deal with having a bullying co-worker. I don't simply
offer encouraging generic remarks. I try to address what I perceive at that moment to be the most
pressing/important need. The pressing need changes every day. I believe that in
addressing the most pressing need I am <b>trying</b> to be of <b>maximum helpfulness</b>. I
don't pick up on satellite issues I try to address the core issue. or <b>the issue
which has the power to do them the most harm if left unattended to</b> on that day.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I suppose what I'm saying is that I am very particular
about what people do when they are coming off antidepressants, and I believe
this has a lot to do with the success I've observed with Sponsees coming off
antidepressants in the past. They come off antidepressants and they stay off
antidepressants. That's been the case for the people I've sponsored is that
they come off them and stay off them and they are okay even when quite
"dark material" shows up.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Right sorry for that long winded intro, now.. I can get onto the subject of this
"dark material" that shows up between years five and 10.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">It's very hard to explain but I see the process of
recovery as a predictable energetic unfolding of sorts. Although on a very
physical level there is an immediate absence of drinking. On other levels there
is an emotional and mental and energetic unfolding taking place. I watch people
<b>'defrost' </b>so to speak. The first five years of recovery are what I call
"automaton". I think of the first five years of sobriety as about <b>gaining core
competency</b>. It's very necessary, but it's a bit <b>partial</b> on an emotional and
mental level. I've heard some people say that it takes five years to
"clear the head". I prefer the term "automaton". I feel
that <b>the first five years is a bit disconnected. A bit frozen.</b> A bit
<b>dissociated. Glib. </b> </span><br />
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Sometimes there is the 'appearance' of a lot of emotion in the first 5 years, but I find this range of emotion more about <b>drama, thrashing about, blame or 'mushyness'.</b> Sort of 2 dimensional. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">2 dimensional compared to the <b>depth and range</b> of emotions that become evident from year 6-10 anyway. It's all relative. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Anyway, sometime between years <b>5</b> and <b>10</b> (usually about year 6-7) a sort of
<b>defrosting</b> takes place. Things inside that used to be <b>blocked</b> and <b>stuck</b> start
to <b>unwind</b>. They <b>uncoil</b>. I see it as an energetic process taking place inside.
It's not necessary to understand it as an energetic process in my opinion. All
that is necessary is to understand that <b>there is a softening going on inside.</b>
<b>What is hard and stuck inside is becoming loosened.</b> I describe it sometimes I
say it is like that <b>without realising it, all those years you have been emotionally
constipated. And now everything is moving around inside and wants to come out to the surface. Which
is its natural place. This is not something to be resisted. It is nature taking
its course</b> having been subjected to this spiritual life for a period of five
years. So I don't see it as a problem although I do think that <b>for most people
it can feel very unsettling.</b> The balmy spiritual environment has the effect of
s<b>oftening contracted places inside the body.</b> This has the effect of loosening
debris that has accumulated in various energy centres. <b>Thoughts and feelings
that have been lodged in various places, start to make their way to the
surface.</b> <b>They can take the form of what feels like a more "heavy"
vibe. </b>Sometimes this process starts as early as year 4, but that’s unusual. 6
or 7 is more the norm.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"><b>The first thing people notice is that things feel
different but they don't know why. There is a rich texture to this seam of
feeling making itself present on a daily basis. </b><b>It's as if they have
inadvertently hit upon a seam of rich dark oil which is seeping to the surface
of the ground and discolouring dry pale earth making it dark and swirly.</b> <b>There
is a rising dark swirlyness that becomes apparent inside.</b> This energy becomes
apparent in their field of consciousness. It appears all around and sometimes
coming from inside ..this unsettling swirly feeling. <b>All they know is that
this richness and swirlyness is present, and it wasn't present before.</b> They
start looking for reasons in their immediate environment why this "dark
matter" should be presenting itself. Very often they attribute it to their
childhood. Or perhaps to a difficult set of circumstances that has reared its
ugly head or an emotional battle they are fighting at the time. There is nearly
always a set of circumstances that will justify the presence of this "dark
material". I like the word <b>rich</b> to describe this new seam of emotion
because I think it is infinitely preferable to the emotions experienced in the
first five years. I have no objections to people going through this process.
And I will always tell people that I am much prefer the company of people who
are able to access this type of feeling. </span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I don't mean people who are <b>overwhelmed</b> by this
feeling or are <b>caught up very unconsciously</b> in this feeling. <b>I mean people who
are readily able to access this range of emotion.</b> I am much less content with
the company of people who do not have access to this range of emotion.</span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">This <b>'material'</b> could be from this
lifetime or a <b>past life</b>, or <b>inter generational </b>stuff from an ancestor
that is working it's way out after many generations. Who ? knows. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">It might be something <b>collective</b>, or from someone else in your family, or close circle. </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"><b>All I know is that it 'shows up'.</b> That's all I know. </span><br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"><br /><b>All I know is that you start 'cooking' differently at about year 6 to 7. </b>Stuff comes up which feels <b>heavier</b> than before, and <b>a different level of commitment to honesty is asked of you to make this part of the journey manageable.</b> <b>Simply trotting out</b> all the 'positive' stuff you've read in books, or <b>repeating</b> what your therapist told you <b>just doesn't cut it</b>. I call that a bit <b>glib</b>, <b>defensive</b> and <b>unthinking</b>. It's a different sort of a challenge. <b>Something 'more' is being asked of you that is <i>less bullshitty </i>than what you were doing before.</b> We never really outgrow the capacity to bullshit, so there is always room for improvement there. That's what I find anyway. </span><br />
<br />
<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">By the way I would not assume that if you <b>relentlessly talked about your emotions that you were any less prone to bullshit </b>than someone else. Being long winded and almost exclusively <b>preoccupied with your emotional temperature</b> to me would indicate another manifestation of unconsciousness.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"> So <b>please don't think I'm saying the first 5 years are emotionless. I'm not. I'm saying they are different. More 'basic' or something.</b> A more <b>subtle art </b>is required when things start feeling 'heavy' in this particular kind of year 6-7 way..</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"><b>I see it like a piano with dark notes and high notes.
In the first five years people sound like they have a very limited range of
notes they can't hit any of the low notes.</b> <b>They have plenty of drama yes. But
they lack the depth and lustre of a rich full-bodied range of emotions. It's
like choosing a very rich dark blend of coffee instead of a very light blend of
coffee. </b>As it happens I also like to drink very high roast rich blend of
coffee. But what I'm saying is this rich darkness arises in the consciousness
of people in the years from 5 to 10. I think it is relatively challenging
containing this new type of emotion, but I absolutely believe that it is
possible and that it is doable. Even for people with very limited skills and
limited intelligence.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">This process is something I like to observe. <b>My only
regret with this transition is that a lot of people I meet haven't yet
developed sufficient ability to be "still" and practice a meaningful
acceptance of these swirly states enough to "bear with" this
temporary discomfort.</b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I've heard people describe a process called <b>"holding
a space" for a transformation to take place.</b> All I know is that <b>when I am
dealing with Sponsees I feel as though I am "holding a space" for
their process to emerge. It's as if I am creating a safe place for their
process to unravel. I provide some kind of energetic ballast for their
destabilising experience. So they sort of have this wobbly experience, but my
presence relays the understanding that "everything is all right" and
this makes them feel safe.</b> The reason I'm explaining this skill of "holding
a space" is it because it is the same skill I would expect a Sponsee to
cultivate in respect to their own swirlyness. <b>I would encourage them to
"hold the space" for this process of discomfort that is arising.</b> I
would also suggest that they do very simple pragmatic things such as keeping
the lines of communication open. Speaking to others. Confiding in trusted
people. Trying to be helpful in a selfless way.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">On the other hand I often hear people saying they are
"sitting with it". I'm not always convinced that this is the right
answer. Sometimes you need to just go out and spend time with friends.
Sometimes the reason you feel lousy is because <b>there is an important aspect of
your life hasn't been addressed. </b>Perhaps you need to change into a new career.
Perhaps you need to change the friends you are hanging out with. <b>Perhaps there
is something that is way past its sell by date that needs to be changed.</b> So
it's not as simple as just sitting with these uncomfortable states. Very often
a way of life has outgrown its usefulness. A domineering parent needs to be
dealt with. <b>A chapter needs to be closed.</b> Painful relationship needs to be
walked away from. Someone who is being bullied needs to stand up to the
bullies. A persistent longing to find a solution to emotional problems in
relationships needs to be outgrown. A victim mindset needs to be outgrown. Some
basic pattern needs to be outgrown. <b>If there is a difficult and painful habit
that you haven't outgrown, then of course you're going to feel terrible about
it until something changes. So in these cases I don't see it as depression and
I see it as drawing of one chapter to a close.</b> Walking away from an old way of
life.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">So on the one hand I advocate holding a space for
these uncomfortable emotions, but I would not say that I was advocating
"just sitting with it". Because I don't think that's what I suggest.
I would also advocate exercise and a good diet. <b>I would also advocate looking
for areas of your life which are long past their sell by date.</b> I would also
advocate seeking out nourishing friends. I would also advocate attending a
high-class meditation group in order to learn how to "hold a space"
for these uncomfortable internal states.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">All I know is that this chapter of "dark
material" rising is much more likely to happen if you are from a
background of some form of abuse in your childhood. Abuse is very common and so
in most cases alcoholics will have had this experience. I don't want to say
this to reinforce the idea of victimhood, it's just an observation. People who
don't have this type of background may very well avoid this all together. But
nearly every single alcoholic I meet encounters this dark swirlyness between
five and 10.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"><b>When I sponsor people I always warn them about the
years 6 and 7 in the first few years of recovery. I also encourage them
to attend very grown-up meditation groups as early as possible, so that when
this material "hits" so to speak, that they are strong enough inside
to contain it without getting too disturbed or alarmed by it.</b> In other words
they have developed a sort of <b>inner steadiness</b> from helping newcomers and doing
service in a day from attending grown-up meditation groups. <b>This inner
steadiness means that they are protected during this dark chapter</b>. Sometimes
people I have sponsored get therapists during this chapter but I don't think it
matters you can do it either way. <b>When somebody tells me that they have had a
difficult or abusive childhood, I try to introduce them to a grown-up step
11 practice soon after they finish step 9 because I know they
will encounter this dark material with some force later. I tell them this in advance
that they are likely to encounter this chapter of dark swirlyness, and that
this is why I am recommending step 11 <i>before</i> this period hits.</b> This makes it a
little bit easier when this chapter shows up. It's still very difficult because
going through this dark swirlyness has a very negative effect on the thinking.
But it does make it a little bit easier because I feel as though they have been
forewarned and they know what to expect.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I get annoyed with Sponsees who haven't started
practising step 11 by year 4 or 5 for precisely this reason. <b>I get quite
concerned about the prospect of this material arising at year six and seven
without adequate preparation.</b> Occasionally people don't decide to practice step
11 in earnest and I have seen people in that category drift off and become
reliant on antidepressants when life delivers some uncomfortable chapter.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Even when all these preparations are in place, it's
still a uncomfortable process when they enter into this dark swirlyness
chapter. They can get temporarily quite angry and shirty. I know better than to
take these spells personally. <b>As long as they are helping others and service is
a way of life for them, I feel no fear when they encounter this chapter. I am
sure they will be looked after. Very often it is their service commitment that
is the life raft.</b> The mountaineering rope that keeps them moored to a safe
place.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I suppose I am most comfortable about somebody's
recovery when they reach year 10, because I feel assured by this stage that
they have almost certainly encountered this dark chapter and have moved through
it without drinking. <b>In other words I feel they can navigate this dark stretch
of emotions safely. I am confident that they have the ability to use resources
to cope with this chapter without drinking.</b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Having said that I have met people who I haven't
sponsored who reach 10 years sober, but who I don't look upon as having
developed this ability. So in other words even if you are 10 years sober I
wouldn't automatically say that you have this ability.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I suppose the way that I sponsor people is very
heavily dependent upon helpfulness towards newcomers, and helpfulness towards
other people generally. I always say that I expect them to sponsor somebody
else when they complete the first nine steps. It's not an option for them
simply to not sponsor people. It's also not an option for them not to talk to
newcomers after meetings. It's not an option for them to lie cheat and steal,
and it's not an option for them to avoid step 11. So I don't think I'm
particularly typical in that regard. But what I'm saying is that <b>within that
context I have seen people very safely navigate through this unsettling chapter
and reach year 10.</b> I see people come out the other side looking very different
and breakthrough into a new and different life. It's not as if they are
dragging themselves along maintaining that they are grateful. It's like an
different way of life is opened up to them. It's like watching a caterpillar
shed its skin and become a butterfly.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"><b style="color: black;">I think the most valuable thing Sponsees learn in
preparation for this inner swirlyness is the ability to consciously "hold
a space" for this swirly internal state. It means holding a space without
judgement and without alarm. </b>Being still. Being present. Being unafraid. It is my
belief that it is the process of <b>step 11</b> combined with <b>continued work with
newcomers and doing service</b> <b>that keeps them safe</b>. <b>People who 'give themselves'
in terms of service are always looked after it seems.</b> That's what I've noticed.
But in addition to that <b>a good step 11 practice enables you to have an internal
steadiness when this swirly dark material shows up.</b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"><b>I wouldn't describe it as particularly comfortable or
pleasant, but it is eminently doable.</b> And you don't need to do it 24 seven, you
can take a break and go to the gym or watch a film or spend time with friends
or develop areas of your life that are very healing and balancing. <b>I think very
often these periods of dark swirlyness often precipitates the letting go of a
chapter of your life that is long past its sell by date.</b></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Anyway I am very sorry for rambling on at length like
that. But as always I have no idea how to explain things briefly. I know that I
haven't fully addressed the issue of the medication and I'm not even
going to try because that's quite complicated. But all I'm saying is that
within the context of sponsorship the way I have taken people through the steps
it seems to work when people come off medication. I haven't seen it not work.
I've seen it not work when people are not helping newcomers and stop telling
the truth. But I haven't seen it fail when people are going to any lengths and
are helping others and are telling the truth.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I normally avoid the whole subject of medication like
the plague because it is quite contentious to say the least, but I'm just
saying that's my experience. My experience is that I've seen Sponsees come off
medication and stay off medication when they do the things that I do, which is
try to help others, develop a step 11 practice, and confide in others when
something is wrong. A fairly ruthless commitment to telling the truth at all
times. Even when its very uncomfortable and embarrassing.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">Well I hope you find some of that useful and I'm
very impressed that any of you find the time to read this. I've had to resort
to software such as ace reader pro in order to get through lengthy posts like
this one. I'm not sure how anyone else does that. But I rely on speed readers.</span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">The weather is very hot over here and there's a great
deal of preoccupation about the prospect of imminent financial collapse,
Olympic explosions and other sorts of other disturbing world affairs which I'm
not going to go into right now. :)</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"></span></div>
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<span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;">I hope that your’re all enjoying nice summer weather
wherever you are, and thanks for taking the time to read this.</span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-size: small;"></span></div>An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-35249230858862423032012-07-13T09:00:00.002+01:002012-07-13T09:13:23.314+01:00Thinking of others who are in the bereavement process..<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;">I've been thinking a lot about how death affects people recently. <a href="http://fine-anon.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/come-on-and-follow-me.html">Reading Syd’s blog post about a good friend who passed away recently</a> and his thoughts about what he could do for the person who is either dying or recently deceased. Plus all the poignancy that comes to the surface when a good friend dies. </span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;">I was speaking to somebody else in the programme recently about a sibling who died. Similar to Syd’s in that they knew of the imminency of the death. The person had been ill for a while. I mentioned a passage to both those people about what Ken Wilber did when his wife died. I think it's useful to inspire the disembodied person as they are 'on their way.' I think if I had just died, I would want people to direct clear reminders of my true nature in the period just before I died and a little bit after. It must be like getting used to driving a new car or something. ..must be a very strange experience not having a body initially. If I was more diligent in my meditation practice I would be more prepared for the experience of being disembodied at the point of death. In the Tibetan tradition it's a fairly standard understanding that one of the main points of meditation is to train the mind so that the consciousness can move freely around outside the body. The whole point being that it's in preparation for death. It's like learning how to drive without a body in preparation for the point at which you are disembodied I suppose..</span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;">On the one hand I feel that death is a very positive thing because it has this wonderful ? 'shimmering transparency' that it brings to the quality of life that shines in the presence of the dying person. It's as if the veil between this world and the other is incredibly !! thin. Very magical and auspicious. On the other hand it is supposed to be terribly poignant and to involve a loss of one type of life in exchange for another. In other words it's supposed to break your heart in some form or other. The problem isn't the feelings as such, the problem is getting very attached to them or wallowing in them or pushing them away. In other words it's the relationship to the difficult feelings that is the problem not the feelings themselves. A bad workman blames his tools as they say.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;">I suppose I am saying that I am very conscious that people that I have got to know in a programme on going through this process of grief, and it kind of 'sits' in my awareness constantly that these people I know are having this experience. It's a little bit like walking through treacle because it is like you're operating in a different gear. Like walking in slow motion In a dream. It's a different sort of life having to process grief on top of all the other daily tasks. I also think that if we have developed our spiritual life, we are much more useful to be other people who are grieving and the deceased person. It is as if we are donating pints of blood every day energetically to the family and to the deceased person through our good will.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;">Anyway I feel for Syd and the other friend who is undergoing grief and the experience of recent bereavement. There is a whole other dimension to your recent bereavement if you have developed sensitivity. There is a much more keen awareness of the deceased person which is a bit strange to say the least. Not quite as dramatic as the little boy in the film who kept saying "I see dead people" but there is a much less dramatic awareness of the presence of the deceased person.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;">Probably all that has very little to do with recovery, but that's what's on my mind at the moment. I feel like I am with these people on their journey because of the feeling of fellowship that AA has created, so I suppose their experiences feel as though they are part of my experience.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: GillSans-Light;">Anyway..I hope you are all well and I will make a point of visiting a few blogs in the near future.. :)</span></span></div>
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</div>An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-7046107611617239902012-07-08T11:10:00.001+01:002012-07-08T11:21:29.670+01:00Never underestimate how crazy family members can get when somebody diesFirstly my apologies for being away for so long. I actually enjoy writing. And I enjoy reading what other people have to say. I also enjoy the online community of bloggers. It's an extension of my network of recovery that have in real life. I am looking forward to being a bit more diligent in posting a on regular basis. I hope everyone is well. There are one or two bloggers who were sharing that things were difficult and who no longer post and I wonder where they have gone. I wish them well wherever they are.<br />
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As for the subject of this post well, it's been 'interesting' ! to see how family member’s behaviour either degenerate or they avoid dealing with difficult situations when somebody is out of hand.
I've spoken to a lot of people who have had this type of experience with their families. And I suppose that surprised me. But almost every family has one domineering overbearing member who sort of charges through the situation like a bull in a china shop and won't take no for an answer. Then there are the other family members who seem to do absolutely nothing while the domineering person charges around like a bull in a china shop.<br />
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They seem to fall into two categories. The controllers and those who stand by and do nothing, who are oblivious to the cruelty or bad behaviour.
Basically some people have a kind of meltdown and behave badly. And others avoid acknowledging the elephant in the room for whatever reason. They simply do not confront the person who is acting strangely. Or perhaps they don't even see it. I have no idea. All I know is that they seem largely oblivious unless it is spelt out to them in the simplest possible terms and even then it eludes some of them.<br />
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So if your family includes someone who is at an age where they might die, or is dying already, then these are the things that I would recommend to be on the lookout for 3 to 6 months or a year before that person dies.<br />
Theft. Look for items going missing from the dying person's home. Take photographs of items in the house. Try to obtain an understanding of the value of the house contents. The owner is the person most likely to know which items are valuable and which aren't. Once you have discovered which items are valuable or you suspect will have key sentimental value, then you can draft a document listing those items and make a statement along the lines of "this list of items in my home will not be distributed to individuals prior to my death, and are intended to form part of my estate, the distribution of which will be in accordance with the terms of my will." Get them to sign it, and somebody else can witness it and sign it as well. Make a note of the date on it. Photocopy the original. Keep a photocopy at home and post the original to a solicitor or a lawyer for safekeeping. The reason this is a good idea is that thieves will rely on the defence that the dying person consented to them having that item before they died. A document like this would make it very difficult for people to steal property from the dying person's house. Theft is actually very common when people are either dying, very physically vulnerable, or deceased.<br />
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Basically people who are preoccupied with money are the first to act when somebody is physically very vulnerable or dying. I tend to call them "money grabbing whores" but it doesn't really matter what you call them. It amuses me to use that particular term so I apologise if it offends. It makes me smile. The term I use for people who are not predominantly preoccupied with money, status, cash etc are "hippies." I understand that these terms are completely inadequate but they just happen to be the terms I use because I get tired trying to describe the people each time. The amount of money somebody has is of no relevance. You can have huge amounts of money and be a "hippie" and you can have a tiny tiny amount of money and be a "money grabbing whore." I find that people who are terribly preoccupied with money can often end up focusing on that and accumulating a lot of it, but it's not a hard and fast rule. It's a mindset that's important not the amount of money in the bank.<br />
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Anyway the second thing that's worth doing in advance if you have a vulnerable person in the family who might die is: nominating the most compassionate person in the family to take the role of power of attorney should the need arise. Also to nominate the most compassionate person or people in the family to take the role of legal guardian should that need arise also. Basically there are other legal roles such as power of attorney or legal guardian that money minded people tend to want to obtain. The problem is that if they succeed in getting their name on the sheet of paper which allows them to act in that role, then it's very difficult to undo that authority once the document Has been signed.<br />
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Basically, the vultures will move in get the dying person to sign a form that entitles them to access to their bank accounts or gives them the power to decide what sort of treatment they receive, and this is a tragedy if this happens because it's very difficult to undo. So don't let it happen in the first place. Don't let the vulnerable person be talked into getting the money minded person to have any authority over them. Figure out who the most sensible compassionate person is in the family and allow them access to the dying person's bank accounts. This is the only way you can avoid the money minded person stepping in and filling that role. If you wait until the vulnerable person is very ill when you've left it too late. You have to make decisions about this stuff while the person can still talk and think clearly. You can make this decision years in advance if you want. The good news is that when somebody dies their bank accounts are frozen. The problem is before they die. If the money minded person has obtained power of attorney they will probably know that the accounts will freeze on that person's death, so they will get busy spending money before they die. Thieves are quite devious unfortunately..<br />
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Expect people to lie and get hostile and attack you. It becomes very clear who has ways of managing their emotional states and who doesn't when somebody dies. The people who have no insight into their emotional natures throw a wobbly. They become hostile, making personal attacks and being very critical usually toward the person who is the most sane. Sane reasonable people are an easier target to somebody who is a bully or flying off the handle.
People who are in recovery are more likely to have reasonable coping mechanisms in place. Although there are probably regular nice people in the family also who are not in recovery but are self aware and honest.
So basically people go a bit crazy and start stealing things while other people stand by doing nothing which is equally as exasperating. Sad but true. Extremely common from what I can tell.<br />
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I would advise taking as many precautionary steps as possible before someone gets very sick. Put roadblocks in place that would prevent people from helping themselves to house contents either before the person dies or after. I would also put roadblocks in place that would prevent money minded family members from obtaining power of attorney or any other legal authority over the vulnerable or dying person. You can do this in the form of statements like the one I recommended earlier. The statements can say these items are part of my estate and they are not to be removed from my property until distribution in accordance with the terms of my will. Or you can say these are the people who I nominate to be powers of attorney or another legal authority should the need arise. They can say these people are not to be nominated for the purposes of power of attorney or other legal authority should the need arise. This would have the effect of road blocking the money minded person from obtaining access to the dying person's bank accounts, or from obtaining power over the ill or dying person. If you put together a statement such as the one I suggest it should be signed by the dying person and another person should witness it and sign it. It should be dated. You can make a copy either by photographing it using a digital camera or scanning it or photocopying it. Then send the original to a local lawyer and put their phone number and address on the statements so that the original can be obtained.<br />
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A good way to keep documents like this on file for your own reference is to e-mail yourself a scan or a photograph of the document. Most e-mail accounts nowadays stay open indefinitely. Things like Gmail will retain this e-mail forever so you can always have access to it at a later stage. Make the subject of the e-mail legal document pertaining to any legal authorities in relation to me and property of my estate.
If you do this then a nasty person would find it much harder to swoop in and gain control of the bank accounts or gain control of the dying person's hospital treatment.<br />
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So yes the moral of the story is expect people to lie steal and become hostile when somebody dies. It happens far more often than you would realise. And don't expect other people to see things as clearly as you do. Most of the time they don't. They are much more likely to not see the elephant in the room unfortunately. Everyone will avert their eyes nervously and look the other way, which places a much greater responsibility on that one person can see what's happening. It's a huge responsibility, because the vulnerable person doesn't have to be the ability to be discriminating when they are dying.<br />
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One day I will learn how to make shorter posts :) Meanwhile I really hope that you are all well and recovery is working for you. My experience is that "it is a design for living that works in rough going."
I had better get on with today's list of things to do.. I hope you have a great Sunday..An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-23221855578823661762011-08-05T10:45:00.006+01:002011-08-05T11:18:53.477+01:004 Column Worksheet: Magic Magnifying Mind: Where am I and where am I going?<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWSKKX6MHXCQT72GOA2xoFcWKhF2t0mEv8w5Yr540KcsNdub1RmJi7LweD0ep0eWReNiKP5batpGEs63Y6Xc010a9F3kn8txxFLEOG3o2lmEhLTCdnNFGi0Pv0sf7L2fcvZZfrrQ/s1600/Where+am+I+and+where+am+I+going.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 226px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWSKKX6MHXCQT72GOA2xoFcWKhF2t0mEv8w5Yr540KcsNdub1RmJi7LweD0ep0eWReNiKP5batpGEs63Y6Xc010a9F3kn8txxFLEOG3o2lmEhLTCdnNFGi0Pv0sf7L2fcvZZfrrQ/s400/Where+am+I+and+where+am+I+going.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5637306526212897730" /></a> The Doctor in <a href="http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/bigbook/pdf/theystoppedintime16.pdf">"Acceptance was the answer" </a>page 407 talks of a '<span style="font-weight:bold;">Magic magnifying mind</span>' on page 420, and says on page 419 that <span style="font-weight:bold;">"If I focus on a problem, the problem increases: if I focus on the answer, the answer increases."</span><br />You can see a pdf of Acceptance was the answer here http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/bigbook/pdf/theystoppedintime16.pdf<br /><br />The picture above is a worksheet that I think addresses problem solving from this persecutive. It is based on something I was shown regarding Step 1, 2 and 3.<br />The reason I mention it, is because it is very useful long after step 1 2 and 3 is over. We all tend to dwell on the problem instead of trying to envisage the solution. <span style="font-weight:bold;">For me, this is a useful way to get myself to focus on what I want instead of dwelling on the stuff that's not working</span>. I find it very positive. Plus <span style="font-weight:bold;">it forces me to think beyond what I think I can achieve right now</span>, and if I keep thinking of the new picture or the new vision, my mind becomes adjusted to this new vision. Much nicer than thinking about how I get it wrong. :) <span style="font-weight:bold;">It gives me hope, and gets me fired up and excited about how I could do it a better way.</span> There is no pressure to get it right immediately because as you can see in the 4th column, I need only ask myself could a power make me into that kind of person. That's all. <br /><br />Anyway, the picture is big enough to print out and be readable. This is not intended to be an overview of Step 1, 2 and three, instead I just wanted to share something which I found, and still find very useful. <br /><br />Anyway I hope you are having a !!! lovely Friday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-47547084655496353932011-07-05T13:21:00.007+01:002011-07-05T14:22:36.572+01:00What you resist persists: 'We have ceased fighting anything or anyone' p84<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr7vKb9A2BOJQhKAQslKh9cnbSNLZ-JSNucF6wmrKR8BTky7VSpQlR2GEn2VbG4fcG6A21K2NpaHEMbbmyOGbsU5NeTHScxpfaCFgYVj2fAebQvG0kAiJmulxw6RBpnNRIuf5LiQ/s1600/StoppedFighting.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 363px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhr7vKb9A2BOJQhKAQslKh9cnbSNLZ-JSNucF6wmrKR8BTky7VSpQlR2GEn2VbG4fcG6A21K2NpaHEMbbmyOGbsU5NeTHScxpfaCFgYVj2fAebQvG0kAiJmulxw6RBpnNRIuf5LiQ/s400/StoppedFighting.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5625842546431498434" /></a> Here is a phrase I use when I encounter something I dislike and want to get rid of promptly. I find it really helpful in stopping the rising panic when I see something I think is 'bad' that I must get rid of immediately. It helps me shift into a more open hearted space, <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Stay as long as you want.</span><br /><br />and if I am willing to tolerate the fear that the 'thing' will never leave me, I find the inner conflict dies down and I feel much more peaceful inside. The drama disappears, and the object becomes much more peaceful to have to live with, and can often melt away quite quickly. Its a great trick, so I thought I would share it. Fighting all my defects would just be too exhausting and difficult. A full time job :) So this kind of acceptance is better. Yes, I encounter fear, but AA taught me to to 'do the next right thing' whether I liked it or not, so this is just another time when I have to have some faith in the process and just surrender and get myself out of the way. get rid of the self will, controlling neurotic tendency. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Weirdly enough, it is when you surrender that you win :)</span> Well thats what I find. I've put some examples of things I might want to resist, fight or correct, to give you an idea, but it doesn't really matter what examples you use. Just substitute the thing you hate the most about yourself, or others for that matter and see if it works for you. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Some bullet points which relate to this approach.</span><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol p84<br />What you resist persists<br />Keep coming back. We invite even the most heedless and errant AA member to 'keep coming back.' Why not extend the same principle to ALL our 'visitors'. Including our internal visitors such as the emotions and thoughts that show up on a daily basis?<br />Acceptance. Some people call this 'radical acceptance'. Does not imply permission to 'act out' or 'indulge in destructive behaviors' or heedlessness. This is about an internal attitude toward things, not so much what you 'do'. <br />This does not mean being a doormat or a martyr. Or recklessly putting yourself in the line of fire.<br />Its about 'holding a space' for all these different 'people place and things,' instead of rejecting aspects of ourselves.<br />It means you never slam the door and say 'No room at the inn!' to any of these 'things'. You resolve to hold a space for ALL of them. Even the most intolerable. <br />Shadow work: What are you unwilling to acknowledge or permit in yourself? Acknowledge it. Integrate it. Stop running away from it. Let go of trying to 'control' it. Allow it a space at the table too. Show it compassion.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Blank examples.</span> <br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even X.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even X.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Pull up a chair. You're very welcome. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Named examples.</span><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even anger.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, anger. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even jealousy.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, jealousy. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even 'restless, irritable and discontent'.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, 'restless, irritable and discontent'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even loneliness.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, loneliness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even sadness.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, sadness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even weepy-ness.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, weepy-ness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even fear.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, fear. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even self pity.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, self pity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even hatred.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, hatred. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my broken-ness.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, broken-ness.. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my 'wrong' components.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, 'wrong' components. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my destructive behaviors.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, my destructive behaviors. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even judgmental thoughts.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, judgmental thoughts. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even obsessive behavior.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, obsessive behavior. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even the habits I hate.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, the habits I hate. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even intolerance.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, intolerance. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even impatience.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, impatience. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even confusion.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, confusion. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even being lost.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, 'being lost'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even exhaustion.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, exhaustion. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even negative entities.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, negative entities. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even rapists.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed an act of rape'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even murderers.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed an act of murder'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even lairs.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed the act of lying'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even those who have no desire to get well.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who have no desire to get well'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even irrationality.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, irrationality. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even lack of clarity.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, lack of clarity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even despair.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, despair. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even hopelessness.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, hopelessness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even purposelessness.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, purposelessness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even sorrow.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, sorrow. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even tears.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, tears. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even control-freak-ness.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, control-freak-ness.. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even frustration.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, frustration. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even depression.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, depression. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even negativity.<br />The door of my heart is open to you, negativity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.<br /><br />Hope you all had a !! restful alcohol free 4th of July and are making the most of the great weather :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-9221742466001261062011-06-08T16:22:00.017+01:002011-06-13T09:52:13.317+01:0070 things I have learned about what to do with a dying person<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX-KrmBmd6qgNEcfW-L6mc-jRPMD1oZKu0dS6JK0iDgGD0QxDdp0UWyKr_KICMMxolCT4Gst5fjk-yuT919aagFfIOCNJP0bLNijj2mDFT1wQPDcXyj_2hrSCMQ2iCz6wAobsosA/s1600/Sunset3.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 292px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgX-KrmBmd6qgNEcfW-L6mc-jRPMD1oZKu0dS6JK0iDgGD0QxDdp0UWyKr_KICMMxolCT4Gst5fjk-yuT919aagFfIOCNJP0bLNijj2mDFT1wQPDcXyj_2hrSCMQ2iCz6wAobsosA/s400/Sunset3.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5615869865267838642" /></a>Well I'm afraid I was right after all about my dad, and he did indeed make the great transition. Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts because they helped a great deal ☺<br /><br />Here are 70 things that came to mind about things I have learned about what to do with a dying person. I'm not saying they are gospel, I'm just saying this is the impression I got based on my own experience. Some of it might sound a little bit weird or ‘out there’, so like I always say just <span style="font-style:italic;">‘take what you like and leave the rest</span>’. If you think it sounds crazy then fair enough that's okay with me. I'm just telling you the impression I got.<span style="font-weight:bold;"> I wish someone had told me these things before, and that's why I'm mentioning them here. </span>There are so many things about death that nobody really talks about which seems silly to me to be honest. But <span style="font-weight:bold;">because I had such a positive experience with this death I thought I would pass on what I thought had made it work. The whole process felt really good to me</span>. I'm not saying it was easy I'm saying that it felt good and <span style="font-weight:bold;">I like to think I helped create a positive atmosphere for my dad to make the great transition in,</span> and I am incredibly happy about that. As usual I've made a post much longer than I intended it to be, so I'm just putting it out here as a reference and you can read it whenever you get the chance, or if the situation arises where you think you can be dealing with a dying person in the near future. Most of these notes refer to people with degenerative terminal illnesses as opposed to people with sudden deaths.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">1.</span> The most difficult aspect of the dying process can very often be the siblings. They don't have a program, but we do. They cannot cope, but we can. We are very lucky.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">2.</span> If you look upon the dying process of an opportunity for service there is no time to create self-centred and painful stories about the set of circumstances you happen to find yourself in.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">3.</span> Create the widest network of support possible. Get as many people on board as possible. Communicate. Ask for help. Get your AA buddies on board. Tell us many people as possible. The purpose of this is so that when you need assistance in making a very quick decision, you will have many people you can e-mail very quickly or phone quickly and he will give you almost immediate feedback.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">4.</span> There is a great deal of time pressure with the dying person. You have to act quickly. You have to respond very quickly to dangerously unconscious siblings or relatives. This is a time in your life when efficiency is a very valuable capacity to have developed in oneself.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">5.</span> Should you be unfortunate enough to deal with dangerously unconscious siblings or relatives, look upon them as newcomers. Think to yourself "this is a sick man, God save me from being angry." Try to maintain an attitude of helpfulness toward the unconscious siblings or relative. If you do this you are less likely to be harmed by them. "Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed."<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">6.</span> Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to be bullied or behave like a doormat with dangerously unconscious siblings or relatives. You must keep the interests of the dying person at the forefront of your mind. They are your priority, not your personal response to the dodgy relative. To behave like a doormat under these conditions would be to deny the interests of the dying person.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">7.</span> Bring your laptop into the hospital with you or an iPhone. You will need this to communicate with your team of advisers. Your peer group. Your network of support. Communication is one of the most important aspects. The lines of communication need to be open.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">8.</span> Use Skype video conferencing to allow the dying person to have face-to-face conversations with key friends and relatives as part of their process of tying up loose ends in their life. Hospitals will often have a WiFi network. If there is no WiFi network you can have your own Internet connection by using a dongle with your laptop.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">9.</span> Protect the dying person from dangerously unconscious relatives and siblings. Take whatever steps you can to reduce the exposure of negativity from the dangerously unconscious relative to the dying person. Keep their negativity to a minimum. If the dodgy sibling is behaving in a clumsy or inappropriate or negative manner, try in the nicest way possible to bring that to the attention of the siblings so that they will take on board what you say and modify their behaviour.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">10.</span> Be prepared for short tempers and uncharacteristic behaviour from relatively stable individuals. People behave very differently in the run-up to the death. They act uncharacteristically if they do not have a program. So be prepared for stroppy unhelpful and generally chaotic reactions from people who do not have a program or service mindset. This will be true regardless of how much professional expertise they may have in other areas of their life.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">11.</span> Follow your instincts, even if everybody else is doing something different. If you have a program and you are accustomed to doing things for the purposes of service, then you may very well be the only person in there who knows the next right thing to do.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">12.</span> If you can afford to buy essential oils from a reputable suppliers such as <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/">Fragrant Earth</a> in Glastonbury, spend money on <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/208/">Melissa essential oil</a>, Rose Otto essential oil, <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/194/">Chamomile Roman essential oil</a>, <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/270/">Pine essential oil</a>, <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/175/">Bergamot</a>. <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/208/">Melissa</a> is particularly useful for people who are dying. It is very expensive so you can use other less expensive oils but <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/208/">Melissa</a> is by far the best oil for a dying person. Very nice for you too. For general nice -smelling effects I used <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Absolutes%20and%20Synergies/79/">cheaper oil blends</a> on the sheets, blankets and pillow and on the perimeter of the floor just to make a nice smell. The room smelled a bit like being in a flower shop. Very heady.<a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/234/"> Lavender essential oil</a> on his pillow helped him sleep. I have bough essential oils from <a href="http://www.aroma-vera.com/Default.aspx?tabid=4967">Aroma Vera</a> in the past and they seemed to be a bit rubbish so it doesn't surprise me that they don't sell them any more. Essential oils are not cheap so I tend to buy from Fragrant earth and wait till they have offers or annual sales because it's an expensive hobby. I used to put one drop of Melissa oil on his collar instead of using an oil burner or applying it onto the skin with one drop of Melissa to one teaspoon of unadulterated pure oil of some sort. Too much palaver, so was easier just to put the oils on his pajama collar regularly. One drop of Melissa is fine. When I knew he was dying in the next few hours I reapplied all the room oils and put three drops of Melissa on his collar. I also put a drop of Rose Otto on his pajamas over his heart centre as Rose opens and heals the heart centre.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">13.</span> It is normal for people who are dying to be uncomfortable and cross about their discomfort. Do not take this personally. Your job is to be of service to their often significant physical and emotional discomfort. Don't make a problem out of it, just try to be helpful instead.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">14.</span> Incontinence is a normal part of degenerative dying process. Don't be embarrassed by it. The dying person can find it very embarrassing indeed. Don’t make it worse for them by being uncomfortable as well.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">15.</span>It can be excruciatingly agonising for older people with aged skin to endure being cleaned up after soiling themselves in bed. Even if you have the very best kind of nursing staff, this process can be excruciating. Pure agony. Why? Because when you get older the skin gets thinner. If you have had repeated cleanups in bed, the skin becomes red and raw and even thinner. Like tissue paper. Trust me it's AGONY. One of the <span style="font-style:italic;">hardest</span> things is observing the pain they are enduring when they need to be cleaned up in bed. If you can bring yourself to do it you would be a great help if you just try to be near them and to be a comfort in some form or other while they endure this immense pain. You can hold their hand or just try to be there for them in some form or other. Don't be embarrassed and leave the room because they are enduring what you and I would consider to be torture in terms of the pain levels. Because this is the most painful aspect this is where you are really needed so try to be there for this part if possible. It takes two nurses to do this job, and can take 30 to 45 minutes to do. It is not really a one man job, even with all the equipment an hospital facilities. Tell the dying person that you would be happy to stay in the room while this is done, IF they don't mind if you do, and that you are not embarrassed. It is VERY painful for them to be turned over in bed too. Even without bed sores or anything, just being moved onto their side can be extremely painful. <br />In retrospect I think it might have been a good idea to do a ? course or something on how to change a person in bed, but I haven't done one so I don't know much about that. Home help can be very expensive indeed and if the alternative is to spend $1200 a week which is the going rate for live in help here, you would save a LOT of money, but like I say I didn't learn that, and for all I know it might be very difficult, but if you got a job as a carer in an elderly home it ? might be part of the training I suppose.. <br />But basically I was AMAZED at how problematic and painful this aspect of palliative care is. Why ?? isn't there a better and more painless way of managing this very !!! basic aspect? It's shocking really that so little can be done to reduce the pain and discomfort of bed-bound dying people. Everything hurts. Catheters, bed nappy type-things, everything! Just pain and more pain.. Even just wearing a nappy and weeing is disturbing because it goes against their instinct to wee in bed, plus the drugs make them confused, so they keep forgetting they are bed bound, and asking 'Is there a toilet on this floor?' which is tragic to observe. Also the skin can get damaged if it is left in dampness, so the nappy pad thing needs to be removed regularly and that means turning them which is really ! painful.. What a horrible additional burden for them to have to bear when they are already in a huge amount of pain and discomfort due to the fact they are dying.. I can completely see how the needs of the elderly have been forgotten now. If someone figured out a way to improve upon or master this palliative care issue they would make an absolute FORTUNE as nobody else has figured it out yet, which is shocking really..<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">16.</span> A dying person needs almost 24 hour a day observation to receive the right kind of treatment. Do not leave them alone in the hospital thinking everything will be fine just because there are well-paid doctors and nurses on hand. You could not be more wrong. They need constant observation in the same way a small baby might need constant observation. It makes sense to have other siblings or people who can assist you in this process. You can't do it on your own because you wouldn't get any sleep. Their pain levels can be so high that they might find themselves in excruciating pain in a short amount of time. Because the dying process involves a significant reduction in mental capability, they are in danger of being left in agony for up to 30 minutes before nurse or member of staff notices that something is wrong. This is where you come in. If you are keeping an eye on them full time, you get to know what signs to look for that indicate they are in discomfort. The dying person is not good at articulating their distress, so you need to be their eyes and ears and communicate on their behalf that there might be an issue with pain but the doctors need to attend to. Basically it's quite a demanding state of affairs to be in, and when you are dying and you are doped up to the eyeballs with massive amounts of medication that makes you feel drowsy, you are not in a good position to be able to communicate to staff that there is a problem.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">17.</span> Like any job it starts off quite confusing and difficult, and after a while it gets easier. In the beginning you miss cues and the other person suffers as a result. After awhile you begin to recognise the cues that tell you something is wrong, and you are better able to guess the right action to take. So just show up and do the job badly to begin with, and very soon you will get the hang of it. Don't stay away because you think you are being ineffective. Being ineffective is normal in the beginning.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">18.</span> Ask somebody what to do before you make a decision. You will become very tired and emotionally drained by this experience, so as a contingency check with another person before you make a decision. Ask, don't agonise on your own, and don't rush in without thinking because you'll probably make a stupid mistake either way. Communication is everything. And don't waste time either because there is no time when somebody is dying. time pressure is there and it never goes away.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">19.</span> Bring in foods that you know the dying person will want to eat. Hospital food even in really good places is usually a bit rubbish. Bring in grapes, fresh fruit, ice cream, anything that you think the dying person will find it easier to eat.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">20.</span> Sips of water are very important because dying people are just not with it and can very easily just forget to drink water or fluids. Water comes first and food comes second. But every 10 minutes ask them who they want a sip of water. As soon as they wake up first thing they need is sips of water.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">21.</span> If you think something is wrong but you're not sure, ask for help from the nurse anyway. Don't wait until you are sure that the dying person needs assistance. If in doubt ask. Don't wait until you are 100% sure that the dying person is in agony or distress.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">22.</span> Bringing pictures of key people in the dying person's life. If you have a laptop or an iPhone you can load pictures onto that and display them that way. Those small picture frames that display changing computerised images would be ideal because they could also be visible as a night light in a hospital room.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">23. </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9TltbnjtZc">The first track of the meet Joe Black CD</a> on repeat play is very soothing for a dying person. At low volume.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">24.</span> Invest in an iPod and a small portable iPod speaker such as the JBL sound stage. This will allow you to play a restful music at low volume in close proximity to the dying person 's bed.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">25.</span> Play restful music at low volume when the dying person is in the last hours of life. Play it when they are snoozing or in their hospital room as a way of making a more soothing atmosphere.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">26.</span> Put a few drops of <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/270/">Pine essential oil </a>in the four corners of the room in order to diminish the effects of negative energy in that space. Use it in the hours preceding death as a way of cleaning up the energy in that room in preparation for the transition. <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/270/">Pine essential oil</a> works at the subtle level to cleanse the room of negative energy. This is particularly important when a person is due to die quite soon as you want the energy in that space to be as clean as possible so that when the consciousness leaves the body it is leaving the body into an energetically clean environment. <a href="http://www.fragrantearth.com/shop/Fragrant%20Earth%20Oils/Essential%20Oils/230/">Juniper</a> has a similar effect but is more expensive.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">27.</span> If you have particular concerns about the negativity of people or energies in that room, you can call upon <a href="http://cache2.allpostersimages.com/p/LRG/14/1453/MJSR000Z/posters/reni-guido-archangel-michael.jpg">Archangel Michael </a>as a protective force, or use the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqcWl6VAB_M">Green Tara mantra </a>as a way of protecting the space from negative influences.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">28.</span> Try to avoid bright dazzling light in the hours before death. Cosy dimmed lighting is more restful and soothing. Basically apply the same rules as you would in a birthing environment. Gentle and soothing is good. Bright and aggressive is not so good. Soothing music and soothing light levels are a good idea.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">29.</span> Hold the dying person's hand. Look into their eyes. Do not get sidetracked by your own distress or personal feelings. Your job is to be there for the dying person. Your job is to be a positive force for good for the transition the dying person is about to make. My experience is that if you are doing your best to serve the needs and interests of the dying person, that you can feel great anyway, but if for some reason you don't feel great try to bear this in mind.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">30.</span> Have faith in the process. Apply the same rules as you would when dealing with a Sponsee. Even if I meet a Sponsee who tells me they want to kill themselves, tells me they live upstairs from their crack dealer, tells me they hate everybody including me, I do not lose faith in the program. Even if it is distressing for me to hear that person say that they want to kill themselves or that they live next door to their crack dealer I do not reflect hopelessness or despair back to the Sponsee. I reflect back my belief in the program and that I have faith that if I do the right thing is the right things will happen. I stand strong in my faith. I do not allow myself to be buffeted by their distressing conditions as they present themselves to me. The same rules apply when you are dealing with someone who is dying.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">31.</span> If they have access to a TV screen with Internet you can play you Tube videos of Thich Nhat Hanh or other wise beings or senior monks and nuns. not only is it very restful but it gives them very valuable information on the nature of death and dying. Restful is the keyword. It has to be restful and soothing. Belly laughs are not really what it's about when they are very ill and weary. They may be able to smile weakly when you say something funny, but meaningful connections take precedence beyond merely humouring them.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">32.</span> Don't feel guilty or like you've done something wrong if you feel fine. Whatever your feeling is legitimate. Don't be guilt tripped into thinking you ought to the feeling some other way.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">33.</span> Use your common sense. Don't adhere to anything in an unthinking way or blindly. God gave you brains to use so please use them. Re-evaluate things, on a moment by moment basis. <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">34.</span> People who are dying or have died haven't really gone anywhere. They may not still be there in the physical form they once were in, but they are merely transforming into a different form. You will just have to learn how to recognise them in their new form. So try not to entertain the idea that they have literally disappeared because they haven't. They will always be available to have a conversation with if you really want to. If you miss them have a little conversation with them.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">35.</span> People who are dying become much more sensitive to the atmosphere in the room. Even if they have spent their entire life being oblivious to subtle changes in energy, this will not be the case when they are dying. They will know what mood powerful you are in and if you are insincere. They will be much better at reading you like a book. They will also soak up like a sponge either a good atmosphere or a negative atmosphere. If you spend time with them and you are in a good mindset you will emanate positive thinking and they will benefit from that and become more positive of themselves. They are basically like an energetic sponge. Much more so than they would have been before. Bear that in mind and tried to cultivate a good mind space in order to bring that to them in their room.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">36.</span> If the dying person asks for something that sounds irrational, don't dismiss it straight away. It might very well be irrational but why shouldn't they be able to do it. It might be a silly thing but accommodate their wishes as much as you possibly can. Don't just say ‘no’ thinking that there are being silly. It might be that it's a very difficult thing to actually do that it's possible. Basically listen to their requests as though they are all completely legitimate requests. It's very easy to listen to what they're saying and think that they are just too full of drugs and I don't really know what they're saying. Obviously it depends on the person, but try to listen with an open mind and determine whether or not what they're asking is doable.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">37.</span> If the dying person says they are uncomfortable or distressed don't dismiss it as a mood that has no legitimate basis. It's very probable that they have a very valid point. They might know something about the situation that nobody else has picked up on. basically give them the same credence as you would a person of sound mind even though it's very tempting to dismiss what they're saying as drugged out anxiety.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">38.</span> Sleep overnight in their room or hospital ward if you can. Or take it in turns to sleep overnight in their room or the ward. They are at their most frail and it is really hard for them to cope so they need all the help they can get.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">39. </span>View the body at the undertakers before cremation or burial (Ask them for a 'viewing') as this helps consolidate the reality that they have physically left their body which is god for your process. Attend the funeral because this also helps your process and is a great place to be of service.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">40.</span> They will lose the capacity to speak at some point so you need to have the conversations you need to have before this point is reached.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">41.</span> The last thing to go is hearing so you can speak to them right up until the moment they take their last breath. Try not to say anything remotely negative and tried to keep other negative conversations far away from the dying person right up until the point they take their last breath. The more peaceful the atmosphere and the more peaceful conversation the better.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">42.</span> The pain medication makes them drowsy and confused so you have to become a bit of a mind reader when determining what they want or they need next. It's like trying to understand a baby who was first learning how to speak.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">43.</span> Don't be fobbed off by the refrain that the patient or the nurses need 'space'. The dying person needs love and care and attention so provide as much of that as you possibly can.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">44.</span> The more work you do before the person dies, the less 'grieving' you will need to do after they die. The more you put in the more you get out.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">45.</span> Bring in crystals or sacred objects that raise the vibration of the room in which the sick or dying person is in. Essential oils have the same effect. Placing crystals on the dying persons energy centres can be very healing for them.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">46.</span> Dying people become much more porous to negative or positive energies. Mentally they become much more childlike and spontaneous. They can open up like a flower and become like a child experiencing the wonder of life. In the run-up to the death process they are at their most receptive regarding subtle energetic things, so anything you do that improves the energy for the better will not be wasted at this time.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">47.</span> Think of yourself as a death transition midwife. Create the most beneficial conditions for that person to make the great transition in. Create most positive energetic space for that person to make the great transition in.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">48.</span> They will talk of the journey, the long road, a train journey, an aeroplane journey. Dying people always know that they are dying but they often express it in terms of a journey of some sort, often in childlike language. When they start saying things like this this means that they know they are going to die. this is normal and do not be distressed by it.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">49. </span>Because dying people are much more tuned in to the death process and unwittingly tuned into these other realms, they know often when they are going to die. If they start to speak confidently about meeting people on certain days soon it might mean they will die on that day. Listen very carefully to clues that they give you in their speech. it might sound like they are speaking childishly that if they refer to a definite date in the future when they expect to see somebody who was not geographically near for instance, this is a very strong clue that they will die on that date.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">50.</span> Sometimes people who are dying are frightened by the transition process and will have a frightened expression on their face or may move their arms around like they are reaching for something. The nurses will tell you that this is the effect of the medication, but it is probably because they are seeing things in other realms which slightly frighten them. Using Melissa in combination with a protective oils such as pine, and also using Archangel Michael or the Green Tara mantra or to create a energetic space that does not feel threatening to the dying person.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">51.</span> If you go to sleep while watching a frightening and disturbing film, you are more likely to have a frightening and disturbed dream. If you go to sleep watching a kind and soothing film you are more likely to have a kind and soothing dream. It is the same sort of thing when you die. If you die in distressing and disturbing circumstances you are more likely to have a unhelpful rebirth. If you die in a soothing and kind mind state this is very helpful for your following rebirth.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">52.</span> According to a Rinpoche with 30 years experience in the robes, death converts the experience from the more gross manifestation of body to the more subtle manifestation of consciousness or mind. Once in the more subtle manifestation of mine alone, and the experience is much like a dream. So a good way to practice for entering this particular state is to become more conscious of your dreams. Try to become better at Lucid dreaming. If you can remain conscious whilst in the dreaming estate then you have a better chance of remaining conscious whilst in the post-death mind state. If you are planning on navigating well through this particular realm the best way to practice is to become very sensitively acutely aware of the variations of mind state using the practice of meditation during your lifetime. The more acutely conscious you are of fluctuating mind states, the easier it will be to remain fully aware of the movements of the mind once catapulted into this 'dream state' after the transition of physical death.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">53.</span> There is normally a soul group in attendance or preparation for the dying person to die. The dying person may say that they see people in the room, or see a familiar loved one. They may look as though they are looking quite intently at a certain part of the room, or listening intently to a conversation that you cannot see taking place. The presence imagined or otherwise of unseen people in the room might very well be their loved one or members of their soul group. If the dying person tells you that they have seen their deceased partner recently this may be part of this particular process and do not be alarmed or dismiss it as mere fancy.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">54.</span> If you know any healers you can either put the dying person's name on a list that remote healers use. Or you can notify healers that someone you know is dying, provide their name, and they will be able to transmit healing energy to the dying person. This will not prevent them from dying but can be a significant help as regards ameliorating their stress or anxiety in the run-up to the death.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">55.</span> Flowers generate a delicate and gentle vibration to a room. Dying people are able to appreciate flowers and birds and plants in a way that people who are not dying cannot appreciate. It is a kindness to bring beautiful flowers to somebody who is dying in can therefore appreciate them in a much more profound way. They also raise the vibration of the room and bring beauty into the room. They are a celebration of life; so do not think that flowers are wasted on dying people. It is for this reason that altars and Buddhist shrines contain flowers.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">56.</span> Animals can be very tuned in to the dying person. If there is a cat or dog they may be in distress or act differently when a person becomes ill and increasingly frail and also very close up to the time of death. If there is an animal nearby it may act differently if it knows someone is dying. It may enter the room and sit there when somebody is dying or about to die. Basically if there are animals nearby they may give you clues as to when that person is due to die.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">57.</span> Make sure the dying person knows that they are free to go with your blessing. As they say in AA "we don't make friends we take hostages". Is very important that they know they have your permission and blessing to leave. And in case you are not sure that this has happened, tell them in the nicest possible way that they are free to leave with your blessing. If you are holding onto them emotionally or mentally, or feel slightly offended that they are about to leave, they may delay their departure until you leave the hospital for instance.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">58.</span> Tying up loose ends. Dealing with baggage. Take a guess as to who you think is still alive that they really value and love. Contact those people, and make a phone call to them from the hospital so that the dying person can speak to them, or set up a videoconference using Skype and give them some privacy so that they can have a conversation between themselves without you listening in. Create opportunities for the dying person to have the conversations you think are most important to them. This is important because they may not be in the right state of mind or have the clarity of thought to be able to do this for themselves. It isn't too difficult to figure out who the people they cherish are. Also if certain people insist on visiting them who you suspect they don't really like, again try to limit their exposure to them as it will just rattle the cage and they are also very mentally vulnerable and susceptible to unpleasant environments.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">59.</span> Once they have stopped breathing it is still beneficial to sit with the body for hours afterwards. This might sound strange but it isn't. It is a gentle transition so too abruptly leave doesn't seem quite right.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">60.</span> Directing love and compassion and benevolent thoughts toward that person after they have physically died is very useful for them. So feel free to say mantras or pray for them or direct any form of positive thought and feeling toward them afterwards and this will help them. You can ask priests monks or nuns or anyone really to help you do this. The more the merrier.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">61.</span> Recently deceased people are very sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of other people about them. So it makes sense to maintain well-being and a benevolent attitude toward that person for long as you possibly can after they have died. Basically it's like they are a very unintentionally psychic, and therefore have the ability to eavesdrop on any thoughts that you might have about them. So it makes sense to have the sort of thought that you would be happy for them to be aware of. If you are particularly distressed or emotionally overwrought in relation to their death this will be a very emotionally charged thought form which would be quite noticeable and possibly distressing for the dead person to be aware of, particularly if they felt helpless about being able to ‘fix’ that distress because they had passed on. If they were somebody who in their lifetime fell very responsible for other people's distress and tried to fix people a lot, then that personality type is going to be even more affected by the awareness of family members or friends in a lot of emotional pain due to their death. Obviously it's a different sort of experience once you're in a different realm, but by and large it makes sense not to burden them with issues around your unresolved emotional baggage in addition to dealing with the difficulties of being in a completely different form, which is quite difficult thing to figure out. Why do you think monks and nuns devote entire lifetimes to learning how to navigate through this realm? It's because it's actually quite difficult. So don't make it more difficult by creating emotional waves that will attract their attention on and distract them from the task at hand.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">62.</span> You may have dreams about the recently deceased person soon after the death. It is very important to try and keep track of your dreams after a death as you may receive messages or important information from the recently deceased person via dreams.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">63.</span> Try as hard as you can to be physically present when the person dies. It is so therapeutic and beneficial to be around the dying person that you do yourself a great disservice if you miss the opportunity to spend time with them before they die and to be with them in the room when they die. It's an exceptional and sacred moment, so do not deprive yourself of this opportunity. This is the great secret that nobody tells you. You can feel the closeness of other realms in the room when a person dies. You get to share the perception of the preciousness of life from the dying person's perspective if you care for them in close quarters up to their death. This is priceless therapy so do not miss it. I love dying people because they are the only people who have the 'correct' perspective of life. It is the people that are not dying that I find more difficult to be around.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">64.</span> Watch the film <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CHn79oZAFsw">Meet Joe Black</a>. It’s a useful perspective and quite accurate in terms of tone.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">65.</span> Dying people take delight in simple things. Plants, flowers, birds. Holding their hand. Appreciation and kind words. This is what life is for and dying people know this only too well so they are your greatest teachers.<br />66. Because of this altered attitude in the run-up to death, the most stubborn and defiant personalities can open up like a flower and change in ways you would not expect when death approaches. So maintain an open mind about even the most stubborn person you know who might be dying. They might change right at the very end.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">67.</span> Don't talk to them like a child just because they are sick or under the influence of lots of medication. Don't patronise them. They will know that you're patronising them because dying people can see through you much better than normal people. They will see through your insincerity and it will make them unhappy.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">68.</span> Don't be overly sentimental or awkward or embarrassed they will see through that to and it will make them uncomfortable. Be as comfortable in your own skin as you possibly can and do as much as you can to put the other person at ease. Self forgetting and being a considerate human being will make it easier for you to concentrate on putting the other person at ease as much as you can. It’s not about you, it's about them. And they will be very tuned into your distress so be a benign and easeful presence for them and they will benefit from that.<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">69.</span> It's physically and emotionally and mentally exhausting looking after a dying person. If possible get them to set up a guest bed for you in the dying person's room and use every opportunity to take a power nap during the day while they are resting because you're going to need all the sleep you can get. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">70.</span> If you know any priests or monks and nuns or healers or devoted meditation people, or people in 12-step group that you know are living a spiritual life as opposed to merely talking about it, ask those people to direct positive thoughts towards the dying person and a family generally, as prayers really do work. All thoughts are prayers so any kind and positive thoughts that you can muster up amongst your friends will help tremendously. Post it on Facebook and ask for positive thoughts on there. It all helps.An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-13393173276888641982011-05-21T12:37:00.002+01:002011-05-21T12:57:42.953+01:00Your prayers and kind thoughts are helping my dying dad in so many ways, so thank you all so muchThanks for your kind thoughts towards my dad. I showed him your comments and he was warmly appreciative in the way that only a dying person can be. It was a very beautiful and touching thing to see his appreciation. Dying is such a bullshit-free zone, I absolutely love it. What a wonderful process to be a part of. Another AA member told me a while ago that she considered it a 'privilege' to be part of the dying process and I keep hearing her words ringing in my ears when I think about the process. Its so ?? ...real, or something. Bullshit just sounds really 'wrong' in the orbit of a dying person. It just 'clangs' awkwardly in the space. There are members of the family who are completely oblivious to the human condition, and they just speak clumsily and 'clangy' in their presence but cannot tune in to the dying person, so tend to drain him. I have noticed that my dad is super-sensitive to the energy and intentions of people round him. He knows when we are about to leave the hospice for the evening for instance and can become agitated and feel isolated. Like he can read our minds. He is starting to talk of a journey and of 'foothills' and long highway. Perfect! This is my language :) so I love it. I feel the closeness of the other ? realms and of benevolent forces and intent so I feel that now we have more in common than ever. I love this so much. Its like he really understands what I am about and knows that I am someone who understands the stuff about emotions and dying. Finally we are on the same page :) There is still some awkwardness around communication as I wasn't sure what to say when he got angry and agitated, but now that I have spoken to other AA's I have a script for how to address his mental and emotional anxiety without getting intimidated or caught off guard by his flashes of frustration. There is so much I could write about this, and I will explain more later as I have found it a wonderfully educational process in many ways, but I must be on my way back to the hospice. Not sure how long. A week? Who knows. <br /><br />Mainly I want to thank you for your kind thoughts because your prayers have helped like you have no idea. We thought he would die a week or so ago, but the time didn't feel right because I feel he still has stuff left to resolve in his mind, and (thank god) he is still lucid so can re-think his life and his relationships before he dies. He is a stubborn 'scientific' man, who was used to being looked up to, so being unable to get to the bathroom and therefore having to accept being changed in bed instead of using the bathroom is a ! massive ! adjustment for him. He is in a lot of pain and has pretty much stopped eating, but I have seen amazing changes in his attitude in the week or so since he had that downturn and we all thought he was going to die that day, so you will be pleased to hear that he is REALLY making great use of this extra time he has been given, and so much healing seems to be taking place. Its an awesome thing to be part of. A bittersweet process. Very beautiful. So what I mean is, that your prayers and kind thoughts appear to be morphing him into a completely different person inside his failing body and that is an amazing thing. So thank you kind bloggers :) And I hope I can do the same for you when you need it :) Its a bright and warm day here and everything is green and fragrant. High summer :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-38929966162028632272011-05-09T20:23:00.003+01:002011-05-09T20:35:11.676+01:00I think my dad is dying. I think his time has come..I think my dad is dying. I think his time has come.. so I'm off to see him. It might be a false alarm, but we shall see. Wish me luck and if you have time to send a few positive thoughts his way that would be much appreciated. He's been terminally ill for a while now, so we all knew it was coming. But I am just going to go over and try to be a nice human being, as thats all I can do at this stage. For all I know its just a bad downturn today, but i just wanted to mention it here as I've appreciated your kind comments and support in the past and I wanted to put it out there so that the recovery blogsphere could perhaps send a few helpful thoughts his way if he is about to make the great transition. God love him. He must be feeling very lousy and confused poor thing. I hope I can have a grounding and settling presence for him while he feels all over the place and not quite right to say the least. He's been in a lot of pain and he has found the loss of various abilities very hard to take, so I think he has lost the will to hang on now that getting around in the smallest way is so hard. Being old is not for sissies. <br />Any kind thoughts would be appreciated, and I hope your world is treating you kindly today. Thanks in advance. I love the network of friendship and support that comes to life through the recovery blogs. I better go, but I just wanted to let you know before I set off. Thanks :) I will keep you posted..An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-21085097977348817712011-04-17T10:10:00.007+01:002011-04-17T14:15:17.556+01:00Disappointment, Idealism, and why it’s not a good idea to put people on pedestalsI seem to be spending a lot of time recently explaining to people under 5 years of sobriety that just because people have been sober long time doesn’t necessarily mean that they are nice people, or that they are not seriously deluded or deeply unconscious in some way or other. I’m trying to puncture their idealism and bring them back down to earth because I think many of them tend to be idealistic and therefore unrealistic about what can reasonably be expected by embarking upon the steps. Or more to the point, that the vast majority can very often be compromised, or just not try very hard to get well and do a fairly half-baked job of it.<br /><br />I found this great response to a query about disappointment, and I think it applies equally to AA or to any other institution that purports to contain reputable spiritual seekers of some kind. Basically it applies to any authority in my opinion. Principles before personalities as they say. Do not put any person on a pedestal. I edited the text so that it reads as though it applies to AA.<br /><br /><a href="http://community.dhammaloka.org.au/threads/205-When-monastics-disappoint">http://community.dhammaloka.org.au/threads/205-When-monastics-disappoint</a><br /><span style="font-style:italic;"><span style="font-weight:bold;">The reality is that the number of truly exceptional people, whether in AA or Al Anon, is always going to be tiny.</span> This is true even within a tradition as established as AA. S<span style="font-weight:bold;">o be careful not to take individuals as your refuge.</span> Rather, simply remember that as long as we have the 12 Steps, there will always be a small number of people who realise 12 Step teachings; <span style="font-weight:bold;">we just don’t know exactly who they are. Keep your eyes and ears open, keeping asking questions, and you will be able to steer the right course.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Please also remember that conditioning and delusion are very powerful forces. It is possible to be a good AA member or Sponsor, yet be profoundly deluded about certain issues.</span> Anyone who is deluded hurts themselves, or their own cause, more than anyone else. If you remember this, you may be able to feel a sense of compassion instead of getting upset. To avoid conceit, it is also useful to remember that most of us, probably all of us – are deluded in some respect or other. Again, the right response is compassion towards ourselves and others. My point is that although it is important to take a stand on what is right, it is equally important not to get carried away and forget basic AA principles. Let us be careful not to be swamped with negative emotions. If we're not, we lose the benefits of recovery in a much more profound sense.</span><br /><br />Anyway I hope you are having lovely weekend. It is sunny and warm, albeit with raised radiation levels due to the continuing meltdown of the Japanese nuclear reactors being carried across Europe in the jet Stream. Oh well. That’s another story as they say.. :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-585351190669592532011-03-08T11:31:00.029+00:002011-03-09T09:55:11.917+00:00Avoiding relapse: Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmNpi6n562vu6-5AnaigWLGczRh-dwrPorF0Bx7QDeJnz7K8EXK1S3WicaY-fSy2oZiwP1FcbdluJyTAiMlsy2DPZPfp7mOPJlTUEG0HCELVnUo8vwy4V-XI5sr10X5jfmv0DZbA/s1600/Roses.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 283px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmNpi6n562vu6-5AnaigWLGczRh-dwrPorF0Bx7QDeJnz7K8EXK1S3WicaY-fSy2oZiwP1FcbdluJyTAiMlsy2DPZPfp7mOPJlTUEG0HCELVnUo8vwy4V-XI5sr10X5jfmv0DZbA/s400/Roses.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5581670604075599938" /></a>Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do.<br />There are some really basic things that seem like common sense to me now, but didn't always seem like that. So if you're a new person, or you're fairly new to AA generally, or you're somebody who finds themselves relapsing constantly, these are some things which as far as I'm concerned <span style="font-weight:bold;">are the most basic elements of the programme</span> and <span style="font-weight:bold;">I don't think I've actually ? seen anybody get and stay sober who hasn't done these things</span>. Sometimes people get sober without doing these things, <span style="font-weight:bold;">but they cannot STAY sober unless these habits have become a way of life basically</span>. Many balk at these, thinking they are impractical or just not necessary. But to me they are <span style="font-weight:bold;">absolutely !! fundamental aspects of the programme.</span> <span style="font-weight:bold;">Totally non-negotiable. As mandatory as it can possibly be</span>. If you're planning on <span style="font-weight:bold;">staying</span> sober anyway. <br />If you're thinking of staying sober for six months or a year and then relapsing again then it won't matter if you do these or not, <span style="font-weight:bold;">but if you seriously want to get sober and STAY sober then I don't think you stand much of a chance of staying sober unless these habits become a way of life</span>. Here they are: <br /><br />1. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Service</span>. Constant thought of others as opposed to being self obsessed.<br />2. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Ask for help</span>. You are as sick as your secrets so broadcast your dilemmas, and ask for help.<br />3. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Higher power</span>. Get a concept of one, then ask it for help.<br />4. Just for today card. Ie AA books of some sort. But JFT card will do.<br />5. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Meetings</span>. Go to them and try to take part in them. Go for coffee after. It’s the pub with no beer.<br />6. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Last but not least - Pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink</span>.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">One</span>. Do something for somebody else every day. (Ideally a newcomer.) Think of others. Help a newcomer. "Constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" basically. The big Book states very explicitly that 'Helping others is the foundation of your recovery', so make it the foundation of YOUR recovery. <br />The more self obsessed you are, the more !!! incredibly !!! painful your life becomes. It's excruciating. So save yourself the mental and emotional agony of a contracted and self-obsessed relationship with the world, and instead look at reality from a broader perspective. One that includes the welfare of others as well as your own. As many others as possible. The more you can help the better. (This is NOT an instruction to be a doormat btw, as doormats cause far more problems than they solve. Well that's what I find.) Develop what I call the '<span style="font-weight:bold;">Service mindse</span>t' and l<span style="font-weight:bold;">ook upon all life situations as nothing more than an opportunity to be of help</span>. Yes. Especially the really sucky life situations. 'Everything is teaching us' as Ajahn Chah used to say. Aim to best serve the needs of the MOMENT, as opposed to the person. This will make you egoless and selfless. Remember, think <span style="font-weight:bold;">'How can I best serve what appears to be the needs of this moment? Is there ? anything I can do here that might help the people or situation I find myself in?'</span>. Kindness costs nothing. Ajahn Chah used to say "The nicest thing you can do for another person is to be calm and still'. <span style="font-weight:bold;">I just look for ways in which I can be helpful to the person in front of me. Even if they look like a psychopath</span>. Especially if they look like a psychopath. Thats been my experience. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Either I wish them well or I think to see if there is a way that I can help them.</span> Each situation is different. Btw this does not mean tolerate domestic violence, it means defend your life in order to survive and be useful to others. My experience is that I am in much less danger from hostile forces if I maintain a steady will to assist as many as I can, in whatever way I can, including the most unconscious and disturbing people. My desire to be of help is unconditional, meaning I really believe that the smelly aggressive drunks are no less deserving of my goodwill than the seemingly lily-white spiritual person. Love ought to be unconditional. I just do my lousy best in this regard. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Two</span>. Talk to somebody else very honestly. Ask for help. Stop trying to do it all on your own. Stop being afraid of looking like you don't have all the answers. Take a risk and show your vulnerability. Confess your neuroses. Broadcast your neuroses. You are as sick as your secrets. Ideally you would have this conversation with somebody such as a sponsor, but this can also work if it is a spiritual friend, or somebody else who can be relied upon to tell the truth and be kind, as opposed to trying to dominate and control you, or get you to agree to their philosophy, whatever it happens to be.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Three</span>. Ask a power greater than yourself for help. What would be perfect would be as if you had a very honest conversation with a power greater than you. Make a cup of tea sit down and have a chat. It has to be a loving power greater than you. If it is judgemental then it's no good. If you don't have time for a conversation then reserve it to simply asking for a sober day in the morning and saying thank you at night. By the way if you can't sleep just lie in bed and have a chat to your higher power. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">What is a higher power?</span> Well firstly it is <span style="font-weight:bold;">loving not judgemental.</span> Secondly it is just something slightly more powerful than you. The world is full of examples of powers greater than you. Somebody said <span style="font-weight:bold;">if you can't think of a power greater than new, jump in the air and see how long you can stay there"</span>. It can be <span style="font-weight:bold;">the power that makes the earth turn</span>, it can be <span style="font-weight:bold;">the power of AA as a whole</span>, it can be <span style="font-weight:bold;">the collective wisdom and experience of AA members</span>, it can be the collective wisdom available throughout the world, it can be <span style="font-weight:bold;">the combined wisdom and experience of a group of people in a meeting relative to your own singular perspective of life</span>. Personally, I find I can learn something from almost anyone. I feel a bit like a magpie, looking for little nuggets of wisdom with whomever I happened to meet. But ultimately I also know, that it's easier for other people to view my behaviour objectively, than it is for me to view my own behaviour because it's always easier to see things in other people than it is to see it in oneself. So <span style="font-weight:bold;">I find there are ample examples of areas of wisdom and expertise far beyond my individual capacity wherever I look.</span> I see collective wisdom greater than mine in meetings and in the objective responses reflected back to me from other people every day. So that's why we say that <span style="font-weight:bold;">'God' can mean group of drunks. </span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The main thing is to understand that our perspective is limited, and that there are vast resources of wisdom and experience beyond our individual perception, and that therefore we would be very wise to make use of those resources, instead of relying entirely upon our own limited pool of information.</span> <br /><br />If tomorrow you were to decide to become a plumber, and you have two choices, you could either try and figure out how to create plumbing entirely from your own head, or alternatively you could attend a college with Master craftsman plumbers and observe how they have constructed plumbing in the past, which would you choose? Personally I would choose to observe the master craftsman in order to learn this new skill. <span style="font-weight:bold;">In selecting people I feel can shed some light on the path I am trying to embark upon, I am in effect identifying a power greater than myself</span> in respect of plumbing, and I am accessing the resource, and asking for help from it. <br />A higher power works exactly the same way. The only difference is that the College of Master craftsman plumbers, is a physical obvious object that I can see, whereas the power greater than myself which might be the power of AA as a whole, is something I cannot see as tangibly as the College of plumbers. <span style="font-weight:bold;">But in order to make use of my higher power I am required to dialogue with it and ask it to for help even though it doesn't appear like a solid object</span> in the same way a plumbing college would. So that's the difference. I ask it for help and I say thank you at night, and <span style="font-weight:bold;">I can converse with it particularly in regard to things that I am having difficulty with or do not understand, or feel I need help with</span>. Well that's how I understand how using a higher power works. You are entirely free to choose which ever concept makes sense to you. The only requirement is that it is a power greater than you, and that it is a loving higher power. I find the simpler you keep this the better. <br /><br />And I have not found it necessary for people to choose a religious concept of a higher power. Y<span style="font-weight:bold;">ou can remain atheist for as long as you want and this will not cause you any problems whatsoever in staying sober</span>. In the beginning my concept of a loving power greater than me was <span style="font-weight:bold;">blurry and vague</span> and confusing, so the first thing I asked for was <span style="font-weight:bold;">"please would you grant me the most loving and most powerful concept of a power greater than me, that I can have"</span>. I think I asked this for about a week and very soon after I felt as though I did have a much clearer and accessible concept of a loving power greater than me. And this made progress in recovery a lot easier. The book tells us that it is all right to ask for oneself, if the things you ask for assist your recovery. I felt there was no problem in asking for a clearer concept of a power greater than me because it would assist my recovery. I didn't like asking for this concept because I was very defiant and very resistant. As far as I remember I asked this through <span style="font-style:italic;">gritted teeth</span>. So don't concern yourself if you feel like you are full of defiance and anger and resistance, because I have found that not to be a problem. Once you have a concept of a power greater than yourself you can then ask that power greater than yourself for help with your defiance and help with your resistance.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Four</span>. Try to do something off the just for today card. It doesn't have to be the most difficult thing, it can be any thing you want. If you're going through a difficult time, carry the just for today card with you in your back pocket, and when you get stuck or overwhelmed about something, try to do one of those things on the just for today card, and it can be the easiest thing on card.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Five</span>. Go to AA meetings, and try to be helpful when you get there. Don't isolate in the meeting, do service, talk to people, talk to newcomers. Be part of the meeting. Do not just show up and disappear at the end without talking to people. This is a recipe for disaster. It is a pub with no beer. It's a free social and community resource, and you would be very foolish to pass up the opportunity to be part of it. The alternative is social isolation. If you attend meetings you will automatically come into contact with a vast range of amenable and accessible friendly people. Yes of course some of them are slightly unhinged, but the trick is to gravitate toward the people who you feel you have something in common with, or who you feel are mutually supportive and constructive and positive. There is no hard and fast rules but generally it would be considered unwise to gravitate toward people who act unpredictably and irrationally, and it would be considered helpful to gravitate towards people that make you feel better after you have spoken to them. Obviously men stick with men and women stick with women to avoid thirteen stepping. <br /><br />Btw I've seen people stay sober who didn't go to meetings but had access to a very real network of AA friends so basically had the benefits of a meeting without having access t one. ie were helping newcomers and talking regularly to others and confiding in them, despite being away from physical meetings. You can help newcomers online nowadays by saying nice things to them on their blogs. The blogsphere has opened up a whole network of fellowship and service.<span style="font-weight:bold;"> I knew someone (before the days of internet) who lived on an Island with no meetings but stayed sober by setting up their own meeting and trying to help local alcoholics.</span> So if there are no meetings near you this need not be the end of the world. What matters is whether you are helping newcomers and confiding honestly in others.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Six</span>. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Last but not least, pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink.</span> This is the case whether you are one-week sober, one-year sober, 10 years sober, or 20 years sober. It doesn't matter. The rule stays the same. <span style="font-weight:bold;">If for any reason you think you might want to pick up a drink, you need to pick up the phone first and talk to someone about it.</span> You need to be completely honest about what's going on in your head. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Tell the truth basically instead of trying to struggle through life on your own</span>. Once there is a real danger that you might drink, then all bets are off and you need to get the phone ASAP. Nothing takes greater precedence than this instruction. Even if you are in the middle of a marriage ceremony you need to leave the room, find the nearest phone, and call someone in AA. <span style="font-weight:bold;">This is not negotiable. You pick up the phone no matter what</span>. This is what is called <span style="font-style:italic;">going to any lengths</span>. If you are on holiday you pick up the phone, if you are in the middle of an important board meeting you leave and you pick up the phone. If you are in the middle of explaining some complex technical theory to a conference, you excuse yourself for five minutes and you pick up the phone. No exceptions. If you are in the middle of planning a strategic military attack on a bunker, you excuse yourself from the control room and you pick up the phone. First things first. If you relapse then the problem you are dealing with will deteriorate rapidly due to your inability to manage it because you are drinking. So if you care about the life situation you are dealing with, you will have no choice but to leave it and pick up the phone. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Alcoholics cannot stay sober on their own. The days of soldiering on through life alone and "independent" are over. You need people whether you like it or not</span>, and <span style="font-weight:bold;">you need to start being honest with them about how you're REALLY feeling. Not how you would like them to THINK you are feeling</span>. This can be very ego puncturing, but it's actually a nice thing to do. It only takes five minutes to pick up the phone and speak to somebody in AA so it's no great loss. It's five minutes of your life for God sakes so it's no big deal. So pick up the phone.<br /><br />* I used dictation software so there might be some ? funny words here I havent spotted yet. I'll fix them eventually ! Its alovely day here so great for a run in the park.. Have a great Tuesday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-20270016247173988342011-03-01T14:15:00.017+00:002011-03-01T15:58:13.332+00:00Emanate goodwill instead of emanating ill will<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwUAjkjklF6MQr1On9u4XCujBcFCHXTpd_1A8WKu5cuSLjleS0SqU55q_Vq1z3xN7z-wX5Oe1qzYOoRlwxdZ0VEfjEvQMvY3rquAyCmtEAfatEkh8j4j9kl5Kv1gZUZSWli3kc6Q/s1600/PandaCar.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 336px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwUAjkjklF6MQr1On9u4XCujBcFCHXTpd_1A8WKu5cuSLjleS0SqU55q_Vq1z3xN7z-wX5Oe1qzYOoRlwxdZ0VEfjEvQMvY3rquAyCmtEAfatEkh8j4j9kl5Kv1gZUZSWli3kc6Q/s400/PandaCar.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5579115274131810050" /></a>I always think motive is far more important than the words themselves. I feel my way rather than thinking my way. If when I look inside I can see condemning, presupposed judgements or accusatory tendencies, <span style="font-weight:bold;">I know through previous experience that I am starting on the wrong foot, and that I should withdraw</span> from expressing myself at that time until I feel as though I am coming from a more neutral place. <br />Basically if my attitude is negative I am not likely to have much success. I will probably wind them up. <span style="font-weight:bold;">The only way I know how to speak in a way which doesn't cause more problems is to be genuinely goodhearted.</span> I don't always start out that way but that doesn't matter. In other words it's not what comes into your head that matters, it's what you do with it that counts. So a<span style="font-weight:bold;"> lily-white psyche is not required to say the right thing. All that's really needed is a desire to do the right thing no matter what your head or emotions tell you.</span><br />I try as hard as I can to give other people <span style="font-weight:bold;">the benefit of the doubt</span>, especially when I have become convinced that they are a bit rubbish or irritating. If I am having a particularly negative perception of them, <span style="font-weight:bold;">then chances are I have completely lost all objectivity and I am just stewing on some deluded resentment or other.</span> I suppose what I'm saying is that i<span style="font-weight:bold;">f there is some unconscious reactivity bubbling around under the surface, that very little can be achieved by windowdressing, i.e. faking pleasantries when there is some internal tension going on.</span> My experience is that it's much better to confront the negative attitude head on and make a sincere effort to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. This is much easier if you have learned that <span style="font-weight:bold;">your head very rarely tells you the truth, and emotions lie</span>. I have reached a point where <span style="font-weight:bold;">I don't trust my thoughts or my feelings, so this makes being open-minded in such situations much easier.</span><br />By the way this doesn't mean that I deliberately hang around in abusive conversations, it just means that when I sense negativity internally, I would rather address my judgement and accusatory tendencies than try to be pleasant through gritted teeth and fail miserably. I'm also surprised at how quickly one can genuinely alter one's internal landscape if you're used to questioning your thoughts and feelings instead of accepting them on face value. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Many years of practising restraint of tongue and pen mean that I'm able to keep my mouth shut, and make a conscious effort to become open-minded about that person,</span> instead of deciding in advance that they must be irritating or wrong in some way before I clarify the issue that I am concerned about.<br />I just thought I'd mention that because it came up in conversation recently.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"> I suppose what I'm saying is that your private thoughts and emotions about other people aren't really as private as you think. People actually know you much better than you realise. If you have a negative attitude towards them, even if you don't say anything explicit or express to that effect, they will know on some level</span>. <span style="font-weight:bold;">If you get used to the idea that everybody can see through you then there is a much stronger motivation to clean up your internal, privately held attitudes and beliefs about people places and things.</span> I am much more motivated to be pure hearted towards other people because I know how easy it is to see through people, and I also know that people react extremely badly to negative attitudes when they are slightly disturbed to begin with. <span style="font-weight:bold;">So it makes sense to clean up one's internal environment, rather than paper over the cracks with phoney pleasantries that actually don't fool anyone.</span><br /><br />In AA we call this having a good <span style="font-weight:bold;">bullshit detector</span>, but really on some level children, pets, your co-workers and everyone really <span style="font-weight:bold;">are able to pick up on your negative attitude</span> and will react accordingly because most people are highly reactive. <span style="font-weight:bold;">So you save yourself a lot of grief if you make a real effort to come from a goodhearted place, (despite habitual negativity) and emanate goodwill towards them instead of emanating ill-will towards them.</span><br /><br />Anyway it's a rather uninspired grey lifeless and rather cold day over here. I'm going to have some tea and get to the gym and that might get the blood circulating. I hope your Tuesday is a little bit more interesting than this one is looking so far :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-23967900804690156332011-02-19T11:08:00.005+00:002011-02-19T11:36:08.420+00:00Dependence or Attachment? The Solution is to 'Kiss the joy as it flies'<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwyZPIPRIDUvLIRMeCQieaNt23_5tMofBtLnmOZmwV2n7XODq16iZmrrk-8AL40DyBFijxCz9jJbwaBqv2-VmqGc1V6xmL7MT5vN8V2ZWYKmG4y4kqMh63lZ38rew_mKBvUUKRxg/s1600/Kissing+the+Joy.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 336px; height: 188px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwyZPIPRIDUvLIRMeCQieaNt23_5tMofBtLnmOZmwV2n7XODq16iZmrrk-8AL40DyBFijxCz9jJbwaBqv2-VmqGc1V6xmL7MT5vN8V2ZWYKmG4y4kqMh63lZ38rew_mKBvUUKRxg/s400/Kissing+the+Joy.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5575361910597466850" /></a><br />I'm glad that I can take refuge in something other than 'people places and things' ie <span style="font-weight:bold;"><a href="http://www.viet.net/anson/ebud/ebdha201.htm">"Joy at last to know there's no happiness in the world"</a> </span> (often quoted by Ajahn Chah)..meaning thank god I no longer have to waste valuable time, mental and emotional energy looking for refuge/security/certainty in that which is inherently insecure and therefore uncertain because it is subject to change. what a relief! Its all shifting sand so utterly pointless hanging onto it or expecting it to be permanent when it isn't. Deep joy to know the limits of what people places and things can offer. <span style="font-weight:bold;">I can 'kiss the joy as it flies' but thats about it. I don't look for refuge in the shifting sands</span> and that makes my life whole lot easier. Bill nailed it when he spoke of<span style="font-weight:bold;"> 'faulty dependence'</span> on people places and things. He was really repeating another Bill :) (<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/William_Blake">William Blake</a>) who says <br /><br />He who binds to himself a joy<br />Does the winged life destroy;<br />But he who kisses the joy as it flies<br />Lives in eternity's sun rise.<br /><br />Have a lovely weekend :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-54780643600082240202011-02-09T13:37:00.006+00:002011-02-09T14:45:40.930+00:00Converting straw to gold. Converting suffering to liberation..<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX5eBFKEoN8bzP13DFvkJFhYj_guQ_4COdpJUQf-mHdy3Y78hpTBMHjbkyc6RTYSVoKCp-7KSmkg8gPEO4FtrcuwVUXpuYcEeuoKtzma3wtXx-HmC5ICRJ_aQpRDuY6wyBfJfcug/s1600/sunrisebranches.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 364px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjX5eBFKEoN8bzP13DFvkJFhYj_guQ_4COdpJUQf-mHdy3Y78hpTBMHjbkyc6RTYSVoKCp-7KSmkg8gPEO4FtrcuwVUXpuYcEeuoKtzma3wtXx-HmC5ICRJ_aQpRDuY6wyBfJfcug/s400/sunrisebranches.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5571683812781632978" /></a><br />Here’s some summary notes I made on the chapter 6 of a book about how to develop happiness in the previous post. I’ve added Big Book quotes when they seemed to be saying the same thing. I only made these notes to help me remember it later. :) because I forget !! everything otherwise. So feel free to ignore it if you feel like it.. <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Reasons why it’s a good idea to work towards reducing ones own suffering.</span><br />1. If we let ourselves be overwhelmed by our personal problems, no matter how tragic, we only increase our difficulties and become a burden on those around us. <br />a. We think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we bust into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. P132. Big book.<br />2. It is essential to acquire a certain inner sense of well-being so that without in any way blunting our sensitivities, our love, and our altruism, we are able to connect with the depths of our being.<br />3. "If there is a cure, what good is discontent? If there is no cure, what good is discontent? <br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Conclusions about suffering.</span><br />1. Suffering will always exist as a universal phenomenon, but every individual has the potential for liberation from it.<br />2. Suffering is not inevitable because unhappiness has causes that can be identified and acted upon. Unhappiness is itself subject to change and can be transformed. There is neither primordial nor eternal suffering. We all have the ability to study the causes of suffering and gradually to free ourselves from them. <br />a. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. P133. Big Book.<br />3. Peace of mind does not come simply because we want it to. You have to take action and work towards it. It's not the magnitude of the task that matters; it's the magnitude of our courage. <br />a. Faith withot works is dead. P76. Big Book. Do not be discouraged. P70. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s a cinch an inch but it’s hard by the yard.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Common misperceptions about unhappiness.</span><br />1. Unhappiness is inevitable because it is the result of divine will or other immutable principle ie forever out of our control.<br />2. Unhappiness has no identifiable cause, is random and has no relation to us personally.<br />3. Confused fatalism thinking that whatever the cause of suffering, the effect will always be the same. Ie ‘Whats the point’.<br /><br />Distinguish between ephemeral discomforts and unhappiness.<br />1. Ephemeral discomforts: <br />a. Depends on external circumstances.<br />2. Unhappiness <br />a. A profound state of dissatisfaction enduring even in favorable external conditions. <br />i. Restless irritable and discontent. The Doctor’s opinion.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Distinguish between 2 types of suffering:</span> Physiological pain and the mental and emotional suffering it unleashes.<br />1. Physiological pain.<br />a. Mental imagery has proven to be the most effective in alleviating pain. eg a Beautiful landscape. Slide show. or a repetitive exercise .<br />b. Within a month of guided practice of mental imaging, 21% of patients claim a notable improvement in their chronic migraines, as opposed to 7% of control group that did not undergo training<br /><br />2. Mental and emotional suffering.<br />a. Emotional reactions to pain vary, but if we allow anxiety to overwhelm our mind, the most benign pain will soon become unbearable.<br />b. Assessment of pain also depends on our mind. It is the mind that reacts to pain with fear, rejection, despondency, or a feeling of powerlessness; instead of being subjected to a single agony, we accumulate a host of them. <br />c. Selfless sadness need not amount to mental and emotional suffering because you can suffer physically or mentally - by feeling sad, for instance - without losing sense of fulfillment founded on inner peace and selflessness.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Magic magnifying mind p420 Big Book</span> Acceptance was the answer: The more we think of the problem, the bigger the problem gets. The more you think of the solution, the bigger the solution gets. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/bigbook/pdf/theystoppedintime16.pdf<br />‘If our mind becomes accustomed to dwelling solely on the pain that events or people inflict on it, one day the most trivial incident will cause it infinite sorrow. As the intensity of this feeling grows with practice, everything that happens to us will eventually come to distress us, and peace will find no place within us. All manifestations will assume a hostile character and we will rebel bitterly against our fate, to the point of doubting the very meaning of life.’<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Being happy doesn’t mean you stop caring or feeling.</span><br />1. You can be happy despite trauma and tragedy because someone can feel unconditional love for those who suffer and do everything in their power to attenuate their pain without allowing their lucid vision of existence to be shaken. <br />2. A storm may be raging at the surface, but the depths remain calm. ‘The wise man always remains connected to the depths.’<br />3. You can be available to others without giving in to despair when the natural episodes of life and death follow their course. It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15. big book.<br />4. Recovery from unhappiness is managed not cured because just because you are not defeated doesn’t mean events do not affect you or that you have overcome these obstacles forever; it only means that they no longer block your progress toward inner freedom.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">The role of self-centeredness in suffering and pain. </span><br />1. "selfcenteredness" is the source of most of our disruptive thoughts. From obsessive desire to hatred, not to mention jealousy, <span style="font-weight:bold;">it attracts pain the way a magnet attracts iron filings.</span> Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. P62. Big Book.<br />2. Death/loss of a loved one. Self centered/self obsessed attachment is what causes painful obsession with the other. Remaining painfully obsessed with a situation or the memory of a departed loved one, to the point of being paralyzed by grief for months or years on end, is evidence not of affection, but of an attachment that does no good to others or to oneself. <br />3. Self-centeredness is the root cause of ‘invisible suffering’.<br /><br />What is ‘invisible suffering’?<br />1. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Visible suffering</span>. Easy to spot.. <br />2. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Hidden suffering</span>. concealed beneath the appearance of pleasure, freedom from care, fun.<br />a. Eating a fine dish and later getting food poisoning.<br />b. It remains hidden to those taken in by the illusion of appearances and cling to the belief that people and things last, untouched by the change that affects everything. Ie ‘This too shall pass’.<br />3. <span style="font-weight:bold;">Invisible suffering</span>. <br />a. The suffering that underlies the most ordinary activities. <br />b. Eg the inhumane battery farming ‘hidden’ in a boiled egg.<br />c. Is the hardest to distinguish.<br />d. Stems from blindness, ignorance, selfishness, selfcenteredness.<br /><br />Page 84 has examples of freedom from suffering despite great adversity including stories about Guy Comeau (Peace despite great physical suffering) and Tenzin Choedrak (peace despite prisoner of war and torture survivor).<br />2 Proposed solutions to suffering offered are Mental imaging, where you try to imagine situations that are a source of peace on p74 and secondly a Compassion practice which is like Step 12. As in Service and 'Constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs' big Book which is on page 78 of his book. Although I find helping a newcomer works much the same way. :)<br /><br />Anyway, I was interested with the similarities between this approach and AA so I just thought I would share that :) Hope you are all having a lovely wednesday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-3804335383386299222011-02-05T12:24:00.004+00:002011-02-05T12:35:44.127+00:00The part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything“I often notice that when people get up from the table on the patio, they don’t push their chair back in. They have no commitment to that chair. They feel, “The chair isn’t important, I have to get into the zendo and hear about the truth.” But the truth <span style="font-style:italic;">is<span style="font-style:italic;"></span></span> the chair. It’s where we are right now. When we leave the door open, it’s that part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything, so we run out the door. We’re looking for the truth instead of being the unease and distress of where we are right now.” <br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Joko Beck. Everyday Zen.</span><br /><br />Every moment of our life is relationship. There is nothing except relationship. <br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Joko Beck. Everyday Zen.</span><br /><br />My thoughts..<br />‘<span style="font-style:italic;">The part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything.</span>’<br />Frantically and unthinkingly looking for the next thing instead of being with ‘<span style="font-style:italic;">the unease and distress of where we are right now’</span>.<br /><br />Eg: acting in an inconsiderate way with people on the tube in order to get to the meeting on time. There’s a contradiction there :)<br />What does that action tell us about how we REALLY feel toward our feelings? It says ‘I don’t really care’. ‘I’m just going to carry on regardless’ I do not care enough to stop and attend to this discomfort. How uncaring. How callous. How insensitive. We scurry on regardless out of habit, fear and heedlessness. Like a hamster in a wheel. All fear and scurrying. We need to STOP, and notice what is happening. Like a glass of muddy water, if you stop just a little you start to notice these things when the water gets clear. The silly blurry heedlessness becomes easier you notice, and we can see the ‘unease and distress of where we are right now.’ This is what AA calls ‘Restless irritable and discontent.’ This is what we need to notice. <br /><br />Sorry for prolonged absence. I am reading TONS of stuff. so am rethinking lots of stuff :)<br /><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Happiness-Guide-Developing-Lifes-Important/dp/1843545586/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1296908764&sr=8-1">Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skil</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Who-Ordered-This-Truckload-Dung/dp/0861712781/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1296908798&sr=8-1-spell">Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?: Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life's Difficulties</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mindfulness-Bliss-Beyond-Meditators-Handbook/dp/0861712757/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1296908826&sr=8-3">Mindfulness Bliss and Beyond: A Meditator's Handbook</a><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Everyday-Zen-Charlotte-Joko-Beck/dp/0722534353/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1296908851&sr=8-5">Everyday Zen: Love and Work</a><br /><br />Hope you are having a LOVELY Saturday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-87763675904198492132010-11-24T11:31:00.002+00:002010-11-24T11:34:27.804+00:00Heard in a meeting'I want to do life 'neat', not dilute it with alcohol'.<br /><br />I heard this and liked it, so I just thought I would share that.<br />It's a brilliant autumnal day over here. Have a lovely wednesday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-49241942642607780602010-11-21T18:55:00.004+00:002010-11-21T19:05:33.189+00:00What (free) stuff I'm listening to. Amongst other things.. AdyashantiI love this !!!!! sooo much at the moment. Can't !! stop listening to it on my ipod. :)<br />The free basic teaching talks are ! excellent. But yes, I have bought some mp3's as well. Can't get enough of this at the moment. Love it to bits. I wonder what thing will be next? <br />Anyway I thought I would just include a reference to the free basic talks, as they pretty much cover 98% of the teaching anyway. Thats it. <br />I'm not going to go on about it as this one involves having to part with cash. Which I don't want to encourage people to do really. i prefer to mention free stuff only. I spend money on technology and esoteric stuff, so thats my weakness. My curiosity gets the better of me. Normally I lend people my CD's so that they can listen to the mp3's, but thats harder to do when we are not meeting each other in the AA meeting down the road, (!) but if you email me I'll see what I can do.<br />Hope you had a nice weekend :)<br /><a href="http://www.calculatorcat.com/moon_phases/phasenow.php">Full moon tonight!! </a>Awesome :) I LOVE the full moon..<br /><br />Here are links to the free talks on the basic teachings..? if you are interested. if not. Thats fine too :)<br /><a href="http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=video">The Basic Teachings ~ Part 1....Principles of the Teaching</a><br />http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=video<br /><a href="http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=video">The Basic Teachings ~ Part 2 ...Application of the Teaching</a><br />http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=videoAn Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-52736907271680421402010-11-05T11:22:00.024+00:002010-11-15T09:28:16.128+00:003 free episodes of The Big Silence on BBC iplayer till the 12th of NovemberThis was recommended to me and I think it is really good.
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<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">Update*</span> The episodes have since been added to youtube so if you missed them on BBC iplayer, you can see them on youtube instead. They are on <a href="http://www.worthabbey.net/bbc/links-youtubeBS.htm">http://www.worthabbey.net/bbc/links-youtubeBS.htm</a>
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<br />It is called <span style="font-weight:bold;">The Big Silence</span> and was broadcast on BBC2.
<br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">There are 7 days remaining to watch the 2 episodes for free on BBC iplayer online</span>. There are two episodes of one hour each. The Retreat Centre used in this programme is <a href="http://www.beunos.com/dates10.htm">St Beuno's in North Wales</a> and has some of the most breathtaking scenery I have seen in avery long time. Stunningly beautiful. <a href="http://www.beunos.com/index.htm">Here is a link for the place they attended</a> if you think you might be interested in doing a retreat there. I must admit i was impressed with the Jesuits who acted as guides for retreat participants. They were very, very kind and gentle in my estimation. From what I saw in this programme. <a href="http://www.beunos.com/dates10.htm">Here is a link for the retreat schedule in St Beuno's</a>. For all I know it might be expensive. I have no idea. Monasteries offer retreats that are free or very affordable so do not despair if you have limited funds and would like to go on a retreat :)
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<br />Here is the link for the TV programme. <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/vjcp5/">http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/vjcp5/</a>
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<br />I found it very moving. Excellent program. I loved the <span style="font-weight:bold;">skillful insight into how to access the healing power of silence,<span style="font-weight:bold;"></span></span> and the transformation of the volunteers over 8 days. The volunteers were courageous and honest, very imperfect, yet they all underwent a deep transformation. <span style="font-weight:bold;">They were humbled by the experience of witnessing their restlessness and conflicts when left with no distractions to 'escape' from their loneliness, boredom, and restlessness.</span>
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<br />There are some very nice Christian monastics on here. Plus some very lovely non-monastic Jesuits (ie like you and me because we do not live in monasteries) who have managed to develop a valuable meditation practice despite work and home obligations. If you have never been to a retreat before this will give you an idea of the <span style="font-weight:bold;">gentle-hearted people</span> you are lucky enough to meet if you do. It is also an indication that it is not the ? type of path chosen that is important (as ? far as I know) meaning buddhist, christian, jesuit etc, but how much you are committed to the path you have chosen. Basically all people who sincerely and earnestly seek to grow along spiritual lines, and are committed to unconditional truth and love turn into wonderful human beings as a result of their devotional practice. Well thats what I think. <span style="font-weight:bold;">'Badges' such as Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Jesuit etc are less important than the willingness to go to any lengths to realize your best self.</span></span>
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<br />Heres the blurb from the BBC iplayer website..
<br /><span style="font-style:italic;">Abbot Christopher Jamison, a Benedictine monk, believes that he can teach five ordinary people the value of silent meditation, as practised by monks in monasteries, so they can make it part of their everyday lives. He sets up a three-month experiment to test out whether the ancient Chrisitan tradition of silence can become part of modern lives.
<br />In this episode, Christopher brings the five volunteers to his own monastery, Worth Abbey, before sending them to begin a daunting eight days in complete silence at a specialist retreat centre.</span>
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<br />Have a lovely weekend, ..and of course I hope life is treating you well :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-21984521400432955522010-11-04T15:12:00.006+00:002010-11-06T11:11:34.295+00:00observational comedy on Spiritual Pride<iframe frameborder="no" width="480" height="270" scrolling="no" src="http://www.theonion.com/video_embed/?id=18349"></iframe><br /><a href="http://www.theonion.com/video/aa-destroying-the-social-lives-of-thousands-of-onc,18349/" target="_blank" title="AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans">AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans</a><br /><br />This video does not seem to want to upload properly. Oh well You will just have to click on the link instead. It is from the Onion.<br />I am not endorsing the end result of this comedy sketch, but I LOVE its very accurate portrayal of taking oneself far !!! too seriously and the trap of Spiritual Pride, where you can end up feeling smug, self satisfied or slightly (!) superior to drinkers or other AA's with less recovery. Or anyone really..<br />When the first 100 members said 'We absolutely insist on enjoying life' they had a point. :)<br />Anyway, I could not resist sharing this as I thought was very funny and exposes the trap we can all fall into of thinking that we are more 'worthy' or ? something compared to other people because we have had a spiritual awakening.. Meaning we use the process of recovery as an 'ego-feeding-proposition' in itself. Reinforcing narcissism, self importance, self obsession and self centredness. My experience has taught me that much of what AA brings about is a series of very ego puncturing admissions, one after ! another. When however I feel as though I am moving toward an ego massaging proposition, I instinctively feel I am moving away from recovery. I simply do not trust that movement. I prefer ego puncturing. This allows me the freedom not to be serious all the time, or be 'earnest' like I mentioned in the previous post. <br />Anyway.. Have a great (sanctimonious-free, smug-free and pious-free) Thursday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-22324145416245839212010-09-24T14:21:00.003+01:002010-09-24T18:18:50.675+01:00Earnest? No. It's much ! healthier to be harmlessly mischevious<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR0iWFFLtH5oEBi5rJywWAhKl26J3Ys7Ovu-WgOhx8HmL2sT0WGyh91dXmHWzVR4Tl62CjjOBWcmxHscSBWEsbPdTSODOwuY59LVD8lBDrAAb7F8RTmbtYF0ROBy0WkV0JojHLGQ/s1600/Pavement.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 372px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjR0iWFFLtH5oEBi5rJywWAhKl26J3Ys7Ovu-WgOhx8HmL2sT0WGyh91dXmHWzVR4Tl62CjjOBWcmxHscSBWEsbPdTSODOwuY59LVD8lBDrAAb7F8RTmbtYF0ROBy0WkV0JojHLGQ/s400/Pavement.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5520469810041446114" /></a><br />Heard in meetings: 'Sober not Somber'<br />'If you are happy would you please inform your face'<br />Big Book:<br />We are not a glum lot p132<br />Those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. p132<br />We absolutely insist on enjoying life. p132<br />We cannot subscribe to the belief that his life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. p133<br /><br />I like it when people in AA are having FUN, wherever ? they are, but not at other peoples expense as that would constitute 'harmful speech'. Or in a socially embarrassing or inappropriate way. Social skills are a !! huge asset, without them its so easy to rub people up the wrong way without realizing..<br /><br />I saw someone who was clearly quite 'into' the AA programme recently in a very uneventful phase of their recovery, but to me they ? just looked like they were having no ! fun. Very dreary. So ! serious! Bleh. All I know is that I would find it unbearable to endure an overly serious sobriety indefinitely. It looks too much like sufferance. If I go to a meeting which is attended by fairly serious looking people, I'm almost certain that they must think I am some sort of ? lightweight because I look like I'm just having a bit of a laugh. The more serious they are the more I want to have a laugh. But if I attend a meeting full of high-pitched shrieky nervous laughter I am equally uncomfortable and would prefer a more relaxed calm response.<br /><br />But I was at a meeting full of slightly more serious faces recently and it crossed my mind how important it is to have fun, because it's very hard to stay sober if recovery is terribly serious. if I meet someone who looks a little too earnest or serious, or is simply trying too hard, I try to tell them how important it is to lighten up and wear life like a loose garment. it's the only way that long-term sobriety is bearable. It gets too heavy otherwise. Besides having fun is not an opportunity to be missed. It costs nothing :)<br />But occasionally I attend meetings full of young people trying desperately to look “interesting” by sounding witty or clever, and those meetings also grate after a while. “You impress me when you stop trying to impress me” is something an old timer at my home group used to say.<br /><br />My home group 20 years ago was full of people having a laugh, so that's what I became used to. Now when I see a room full of serious faces I cannot really relate to them very much. I understand that this is a common feature of the first 5 years of recovery, and I am sure that when I was less than 5 years I was equally unduly earnest, but I try to encourage sponsees to lighten up as soon as possible rather than wait 5 years to do so like I did. I think 5 years is a common benchmark for the time it takes a reasonably disturbed person to loosen their feverish grip on the program and start to relax a little, by doing less AA activities without fear of drinking again.<br /><br />So generally speaking I would say that being a bit too serious is not at all good for long-term sobriety, and that if you are a little bit humourless, or serious and preoccupied a lot of the time, that this could quite reasonably have devastating effects on your sobriety long-term.<br />Trying too hard to be a “good” AA member is equally disastrous because it is not sustainable. Nobody can maintain a earnest disposition, because at some point we all ! look foolish for some reason or other, so the 'earnest' mask will crack. It gets unbearably dull and repressive. There is no fun in it.<br /><br />So forget the “too good” ideology. Stop trying to convince everybody that you are serious about your program by trying desperately to look serious and earnest, or speak in a terribly serious way in meetings. You stand a much better chance staying sober indefinitely if you really learn how to wear your life like a loose garment and stop taking yourself so seriously. Get over yourself! Try to cultivate harmless mischievousness instead. And if your face looks miserable then you are not there yet :) There should be a glint in the eye. A wry smile. No sufferance. Not a sad “Oh well never mind” smile. A jolly smile. A Santa Claus smile. The best example I can give you as to what I mean when I say this is the example provided by TNH. He discusses very serious and far-reaching topics but he is not miserable looking. Here is a link to recent video so you can see what I mean. http://vimeo.com/14221955<br /><br />I was saying to another AA member recently how much I appreciated learning how to have huge amounts of fun doing incredibly mundane things. We had stopped to buy something trivial after a meeting in a very ordinary supermarket and ended up having a really pleasant and funny exchange with the cashier. It was a lot of fun, and this isn't the sort of place where people normally ! expect to have much fun. So after we left I was saying to the other AA how lucky we are to be able to have fun in such mundane circumstances. Perhaps this example gives you a better idea of what I mean about developing one's capacity to have fun every day. It's very important. I can't emphasize this enough. I can honestly say that you put your sobriety at grave risk (long term) if you do not learn how to have fun and enjoy your day ? whatever you happen to be doing. Being generally humourless, earnest or taking yourself far too seriously is a recipe for disaster. Even if it doesn't drive you to drink, it will make your sobriety utterly grim, and who wants that?<br /><br />Anyway, I'd better go so hope you have a lovely weekend :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29205162.post-41496240165268585692010-09-23T17:21:00.005+01:002010-09-23T17:38:34.832+01:00Codependency: Brainwashing myself with Byron Katie on repeat playIm not sure what exactly ? codependency is, but if any of you see a great weakness in (what you think is) this area, which I would say is just about ! every alcoholic I meet :) .then I would strongly recommend <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-Your-Love-Approval-Appreciation/dp/0739316990/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1285259408&sr=8-2">this CD by Byron Katie</a>. Its not the answer to everything, but its a damm fine start :) <br />You could do a lot worse, put it that way. Anyway I hate (!) to deflect newcomers from the meat and potatoes of the first 9 steps, so I include this as a post step 9 'side salad'. Meaning something that has the potential to enhance ones recovery once the (much !!!!! more important task of stopping oneself drinking oneself to death has been addressed. (!) So yeah, Im not holding this out as a substitute for the steps. No way :)<br /><br />Basically I am learning a lot from listening to Katie Byron at the moment. It is taking a while to really sink in. But after many many ! many repeat plays, it is starting to seep into my bones. It is essentially a master-class in Acceptance with respect to our relations with others (among other things). and life in all its forms. I love learning new ways of practicing the principles in all my affairs, so this is my current focus. Will be something else in 6-12 months! I learn better by listening than by reading as it catches me off guard, so sneaks into my brain when I am not looking. You might prefer books. I LOVE hearing the voice. It brings the ? teaching home. Or ? something. Gawd knows. Works for me. Thats all I know :)<br /><br />So, I thoroughly recommend brainwashing yourself by repeat play on loop on your ipod of <a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-Your-Love-Approval-Appreciation/dp/0739316990/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1285259408&sr=8-2">'I Need Your Love - Is That True?' audiobook by Byron Katie</a> if you are struggling to accept life on lifes terms with relationship issues. Family, friends, significant others, you name it :) Its the same as AA (well thats how i see it) so ought not contradict any of the principles we are introduced to in AA. But if in doubt, ask another AA or your Sponsor as I would hate to confuse you. I usually recommend this material to people after the first 9 steps, as by then they understand the AA principles with sufficient clarity to be able to dovetail material like this seamlessly with their existing AA programme. If for some reason they are unclear as to what acceptance means in day to day practice (for instance) this might confuse them and look like something ? completely different to what AA advocates, which (in my opinion) would be counterproductive to their recovery. But then I prefer to err on the side of caution. If I were very confident that the Sponsee was able to grasp the 'similarities not the differences' between AA and Byron Katie I would make an exception, so this is not a blanket rule by any stretch. More a case by case basis. I see only similarities between the material on this CD and what AA suggests, so it presents no conflict for me. But there you go, each to their own. Just thought I would mention it in case anyone was interested.<br /><br /><a href="http://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-Your-Love-Approval-Appreciation/dp/0739316990/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1285259408&sr=8-2">http://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-Your-Love-Approval-Appreciation/dp/0739316990/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285256587&sr=1-2</a><br /><br />Have a great Thursday :)An Irish Friend of Billhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15781376087404079818noreply@blogger.com8