Recovery Archive

4 Column Worksheet: Magic Magnifying Mind: Where am I and where am I going?

2011-08-05T10:45:00.006+01:00

The Doctor in "Acceptance was the answer" page 407 talks of a 'Magic magnifying mind' on page 420, and says on page 419 that "If I focus on a problem, the problem increases: if I focus on the answer, the answer increases."
You can see a pdf of Acceptance was the answer here http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/bigbook/pdf/theystoppedintime16.pdf

The picture above is a worksheet that I think addresses problem solving from this persecutive. It is based on something I was shown regarding Step 1, 2 and 3.
The reason I mention it, is because it is very useful long after step 1 2 and 3 is over. We all tend to dwell on the problem instead of trying to envisage the solution. For me, this is a useful way to get myself to focus on what I want instead of dwelling on the stuff that's not working. I find it very positive. Plus it forces me to think beyond what I think I can achieve right now, and if I keep thinking of the new picture or the new vision, my mind becomes adjusted to this new vision. Much nicer than thinking about how I get it wrong. :) It gives me hope, and gets me fired up and excited about how I could do it a better way. There is no pressure to get it right immediately because as you can see in the 4th column, I need only ask myself could a power make me into that kind of person. That's all.

Anyway, the picture is big enough to print out and be readable. This is not intended to be an overview of Step 1, 2 and three, instead I just wanted to share something which I found, and still find very useful.

Anyway I hope you are having a !!! lovely Friday :)

What you resist persists: 'We have ceased fighting anything or anyone' p84

2011-07-05T13:21:00.007+01:00

Here is a phrase I use when I encounter something I dislike and want to get rid of promptly. I find it really helpful in stopping the rising panic when I see something I think is 'bad' that I must get rid of immediately. It helps me shift into a more open hearted space,

The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

and if I am willing to tolerate the fear that the 'thing' will never leave me, I find the inner conflict dies down and I feel much more peaceful inside. The drama disappears, and the object becomes much more peaceful to have to live with, and can often melt away quite quickly. Its a great trick, so I thought I would share it. Fighting all my defects would just be too exhausting and difficult. A full time job :) So this kind of acceptance is better. Yes, I encounter fear, but AA taught me to to 'do the next right thing' whether I liked it or not, so this is just another time when I have to have some faith in the process and just surrender and get myself out of the way. get rid of the self will, controlling neurotic tendency. Weirdly enough, it is when you surrender that you win :) Well thats what I find. I've put some examples of things I might want to resist, fight or correct, to give you an idea, but it doesn't really matter what examples you use. Just substitute the thing you hate the most about yourself, or others for that matter and see if it works for you.

Some bullet points which relate to this approach.
We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol p84
What you resist persists
Keep coming back. We invite even the most heedless and errant AA member to 'keep coming back.' Why not extend the same principle to ALL our 'visitors'. Including our internal visitors such as the emotions and thoughts that show up on a daily basis?
Acceptance. Some people call this 'radical acceptance'. Does not imply permission to 'act out' or 'indulge in destructive behaviors' or heedlessness. This is about an internal attitude toward things, not so much what you 'do'.
This does not mean being a doormat or a martyr. Or recklessly putting yourself in the line of fire.
Its about 'holding a space' for all these different 'people place and things,' instead of rejecting aspects of ourselves.
It means you never slam the door and say 'No room at the inn!' to any of these 'things'. You resolve to hold a space for ALL of them. Even the most intolerable.
Shadow work: What are you unwilling to acknowledge or permit in yourself? Acknowledge it. Integrate it. Stop running away from it. Let go of trying to 'control' it. Allow it a space at the table too. Show it compassion.

Blank examples.
We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even X.
The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even X.
The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Pull up a chair. You're very welcome. Stay as long as you want.

Named examples.
We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even anger.
The door of my heart is open to you, anger. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even jealousy.
The door of my heart is open to you, jealousy. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even 'restless, irritable and discontent'.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'restless, irritable and discontent'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even loneliness.
The door of my heart is open to you, loneliness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even sadness.
The door of my heart is open to you, sadness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even weepy-ness.
The door of my heart is open to you, weepy-ness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even fear.
The door of my heart is open to you, fear. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even self pity.
The door of my heart is open to you, self pity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even hatred.
The door of my heart is open to you, hatred. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my broken-ness.
The door of my heart is open to you, broken-ness.. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my 'wrong' components.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'wrong' components. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my destructive behaviors.
The door of my heart is open to you, my destructive behaviors. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even judgmental thoughts.
The door of my heart is open to you, judgmental thoughts. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even obsessive behavior.
The door of my heart is open to you, obsessive behavior. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even the habits I hate.
The door of my heart is open to you, the habits I hate. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even intolerance.
The door of my heart is open to you, intolerance. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even impatience.
The door of my heart is open to you, impatience. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even confusion.
The door of my heart is open to you, confusion. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even being lost.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'being lost'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even exhaustion.
The door of my heart is open to you, exhaustion. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even negative entities.
The door of my heart is open to you, negative entities. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even rapists.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed an act of rape'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even murderers.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed an act of murder'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even lairs.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed the act of lying'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even those who have no desire to get well.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who have no desire to get well'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even irrationality.
The door of my heart is open to you, irrationality. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even lack of clarity.
The door of my heart is open to you, lack of clarity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even despair.
The door of my heart is open to you, despair. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even hopelessness.
The door of my heart is open to you, hopelessness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even purposelessness.
The door of my heart is open to you, purposelessness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even sorrow.
The door of my heart is open to you, sorrow. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even tears.
The door of my heart is open to you, tears. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even control-freak-ness.
The door of my heart is open to you, control-freak-ness.. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even frustration.
The door of my heart is open to you, frustration. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even depression.
The door of my heart is open to you, depression. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even negativity.
The door of my heart is open to you, negativity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

Hope you all had a !! restful alcohol free 4th of July and are making the most of the great weather :)

70 things I have learned about what to do with a dying person

2011-06-08T16:22:00.017+01:00

Well I'm afraid I was right after all about my dad, and he did indeed make the great transition. Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts because they helped a great deal ☺

Here are 70 things that came to mind about things I have learned about what to do with a dying person. I'm not saying they are gospel, I'm just saying this is the impression I got based on my own experience. Some of it might sound a little bit weird or ‘out there’, so like I always say just ‘take what you like and leave the rest’. If you think it sounds crazy then fair enough that's okay with me. I'm just telling you the impression I got. I wish someone had told me these things before, and that's why I'm mentioning them here. There are so many things about death that nobody really talks about which seems silly to me to be honest. But because I had such a positive experience with this death I thought I would pass on what I thought had made it work. The whole process felt really good to me. I'm not saying it was easy I'm saying that it felt good and I like to think I helped create a positive atmosphere for my dad to make the great transition in, and I am incredibly happy about that. As usual I've made a post much longer than I intended it to be, so I'm just putting it out here as a reference and you can read it whenever you get the chance, or if the situation arises where you think you can be dealing with a dying person in the near future. Most of these notes refer to people with degenerative terminal illnesses as opposed to people with sudden deaths.

1. The most difficult aspect of the dying process can very often be the siblings. They don't have a program, but we do. They cannot cope, but we can. We are very lucky.
2. If you look upon the dying process of an opportunity for service there is no time to create self-centred and painful stories about the set of circumstances you happen to find yourself in.
3. Create the widest network of support possible. Get as many people on board as possible. Communicate. Ask for help. Get your AA buddies on board. Tell us many people as possible. The purpose of this is so that when you need assistance in making a very quick decision, you will have many people you can e-mail very quickly or phone quickly and he will give you almost immediate feedback.
4. There is a great deal of time pressure with the dying person. You have to act quickly. You have to respond very quickly to dangerously unconscious siblings or relatives. This is a time in your life when efficiency is a very valuable capacity to have developed in oneself.
5. Should you be unfortunate enough to deal with dangerously unconscious siblings or relatives, look upon them as newcomers. Think to yourself "this is a sick man, God save me from being angry." Try to maintain an attitude of helpfulness toward the unconscious siblings or relative. If you do this you are less likely to be harmed by them. "Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed."
6. Do not under any circumstances allow yourself to be bullied or behave like a doormat with dangerously unconscious siblings or relatives. You must keep the interests of the dying person at the forefront of your mind. They are your priority, not your personal response to the dodgy relative. To behave like a doormat under these conditions would be to deny the interests of the dying person.
7. Bring your laptop into the hospital with you or an iPhone. You will need this to communicate with your team of advisers. Your peer group. Your network of support. Communication is one of the most important aspects. The lines of communication need to be open.
8. Use Skype video conferencing to allow the dying person to have face-to-face conversations with key friends and relatives as part of their process of tying up loose ends in their life. Hospitals will often have a WiFi network. If there is no WiFi network you can have your own Internet connection by using a dongle with your laptop.
9. Protect the dying person from dangerously unconscious relatives and siblings. Take whatever steps you can to reduce the exposure of negativity from the dangerously unconscious relative to the dying person. Keep their negativity to a minimum. If the dodgy sibling is behaving in a clumsy or inappropriate or negative manner, try in the nicest way possible to bring that to the attention of the siblings so that they will take on board what you say and modify their behaviour.

10. Be prepared for short tempers and uncharacteristic behaviour from relatively stable individuals. People behave very differently in the run-up to the death. They act uncharacteristically if they do not have a program. So be prepared for stroppy unhelpful and generally chaotic reactions from people who do not have a program or service mindset. This will be true regardless of how much professional expertise they may have in other areas of their life.
11. Follow your instincts, even if everybody else is doing something different. If you have a program and you are accustomed to doing things for the purposes of service, then you may very well be the only person in there who knows the next right thing to do.
12. If you can afford to buy essential oils from a reputable suppliers such as Fragrant Earth in Glastonbury, spend money on Melissa essential oil, Rose Otto essential oil, Chamomile Roman essential oil, Pine essential oil, Bergamot. Melissa is particularly useful for people who are dying. It is very expensive so you can use other less expensive oils but Melissa is by far the best oil for a dying person. Very nice for you too. For general nice -smelling effects I used cheaper oil blends on the sheets, blankets and pillow and on the perimeter of the floor just to make a nice smell. The room smelled a bit like being in a flower shop. Very heady. Lavender essential oil on his pillow helped him sleep. I have bough essential oils from Aroma Vera in the past and they seemed to be a bit rubbish so it doesn't surprise me that they don't sell them any more. Essential oils are not cheap so I tend to buy from Fragrant earth and wait till they have offers or annual sales because it's an expensive hobby. I used to put one drop of Melissa oil on his collar instead of using an oil burner or applying it onto the skin with one drop of Melissa to one teaspoon of unadulterated pure oil of some sort. Too much palaver, so was easier just to put the oils on his pajama collar regularly. One drop of Melissa is fine. When I knew he was dying in the next few hours I reapplied all the room oils and put three drops of Melissa on his collar. I also put a drop of Rose Otto on his pajamas over his heart centre as Rose opens and heals the heart centre.
13. It is normal for people who are dying to be uncomfortable and cross about their discomfort. Do not take this personally. Your job is to be of service to their often significant physical and emotional discomfort. Don't make a problem out of it, just try to be helpful instead.
14. Incontinence is a normal part of degenerative dying process. Don't be embarrassed by it. The dying person can find it very embarrassing indeed. Don’t make it worse for them by being uncomfortable as well.
15.It can be excruciatingly agonising for older people with aged skin to endure being cleaned up after soiling themselves in bed. Even if you have the very best kind of nursing staff, this process can be excruciating. Pure agony. Why? Because when you get older the skin gets thinner. If you have had repeated cleanups in bed, the skin becomes red and raw and even thinner. Like tissue paper. Trust me it's AGONY. One of the hardest things is observing the pain they are enduring when they need to be cleaned up in bed. If you can bring yourself to do it you would be a great help if you just try to be near them and to be a comfort in some form or other while they endure this immense pain. You can hold their hand or just try to be there for them in some form or other. Don't be embarrassed and leave the room because they are enduring what you and I would consider to be torture in terms of the pain levels. Because this is the most painful aspect this is where you are really needed so try to be there for this part if possible. It takes two nurses to do this job, and can take 30 to 45 minutes to do. It is not really a one man job, even with all the equipment an hospital facilities. Tell the dying person that you would be happy to stay in the room while this is done, IF they don't mind if you do, and that you are not embarrassed. It is VERY painful for them to be turned over in bed too. Even without bed sores or anything, just being moved onto their side can be extremely painful.
In retrospect I think it might have been a good idea to do a ? course or something on how to change a person in bed, but I haven't done one so I don't know much about that. Home help can be very expensive indeed and if the alternative is to spend $1200 a week which is the going rate for live in help here, you would save a LOT of money, but like I say I didn't learn that, and for all I know it might be very difficult, but if you got a job as a carer in an elderly home it ? might be part of the training I suppose..
But basically I was AMAZED at how problematic and painful this aspect of palliative care is. Why ?? isn't there a better and more painless way of managing this very !!! basic aspect? It's shocking really that so little can be done to reduce the pain and discomfort of bed-bound dying people. Everything hurts. Catheters, bed nappy type-things, everything! Just pain and more pain.. Even just wearing a nappy and weeing is disturbing because it goes against their instinct to wee in bed, plus the drugs make them confused, so they keep forgetting they are bed bound, and asking 'Is there a toilet on this floor?' which is tragic to observe. Also the skin can get damaged if it is left in dampness, so the nappy pad thing needs to be removed regularly and that means turning them which is really ! painful.. What a horrible additional burden for them to have to bear when they are already in a huge amount of pain and discomfort due to the fact they are dying.. I can completely see how the needs of the elderly have been forgotten now. If someone figured out a way to improve upon or master this palliative care issue they would make an absolute FORTUNE as nobody else has figured it out yet, which is shocking really..
16. A dying person needs almost 24 hour a day observation to receive the right kind of treatment. Do not leave them alone in the hospital thinking everything will be fine just because there are well-paid doctors and nurses on hand. You could not be more wrong. They need constant observation in the same way a small baby might need constant observation. It makes sense to have other siblings or people who can assist you in this process. You can't do it on your own because you wouldn't get any sleep. Their pain levels can be so high that they might find themselves in excruciating pain in a short amount of time. Because the dying process involves a significant reduction in mental capability, they are in danger of being left in agony for up to 30 minutes before nurse or member of staff notices that something is wrong. This is where you come in. If you are keeping an eye on them full time, you get to know what signs to look for that indicate they are in discomfort. The dying person is not good at articulating their distress, so you need to be their eyes and ears and communicate on their behalf that there might be an issue with pain but the doctors need to attend to. Basically it's quite a demanding state of affairs to be in, and when you are dying and you are doped up to the eyeballs with massive amounts of medication that makes you feel drowsy, you are not in a good position to be able to communicate to staff that there is a problem.
17. Like any job it starts off quite confusing and difficult, and after a while it gets easier. In the beginning you miss cues and the other person suffers as a result. After awhile you begin to recognise the cues that tell you something is wrong, and you are better able to guess the right action to take. So just show up and do the job badly to begin with, and very soon you will get the hang of it. Don't stay away because you think you are being ineffective. Being ineffective is normal in the beginning.
18. Ask somebody what to do before you make a decision. You will become very tired and emotionally drained by this experience, so as a contingency check with another person before you make a decision. Ask, don't agonise on your own, and don't rush in without thinking because you'll probably make a stupid mistake either way. Communication is everything. And don't waste time either because there is no time when somebody is dying. time pressure is there and it never goes away.
19. Bring in foods that you know the dying person will want to eat. Hospital food even in really good places is usually a bit rubbish. Bring in grapes, fresh fruit, ice cream, anything that you think the dying person will find it easier to eat.

20. Sips of water are very important because dying people are just not with it and can very easily just forget to drink water or fluids. Water comes first and food comes second. But every 10 minutes ask them who they want a sip of water. As soon as they wake up first thing they need is sips of water.
21. If you think something is wrong but you're not sure, ask for help from the nurse anyway. Don't wait until you are sure that the dying person needs assistance. If in doubt ask. Don't wait until you are 100% sure that the dying person is in agony or distress.
22. Bringing pictures of key people in the dying person's life. If you have a laptop or an iPhone you can load pictures onto that and display them that way. Those small picture frames that display changing computerised images would be ideal because they could also be visible as a night light in a hospital room.
23. The first track of the meet Joe Black CD on repeat play is very soothing for a dying person. At low volume.
24. Invest in an iPod and a small portable iPod speaker such as the JBL sound stage. This will allow you to play a restful music at low volume in close proximity to the dying person 's bed.
25. Play restful music at low volume when the dying person is in the last hours of life. Play it when they are snoozing or in their hospital room as a way of making a more soothing atmosphere.
26. Put a few drops of Pine essential oil in the four corners of the room in order to diminish the effects of negative energy in that space. Use it in the hours preceding death as a way of cleaning up the energy in that room in preparation for the transition. Pine essential oil works at the subtle level to cleanse the room of negative energy. This is particularly important when a person is due to die quite soon as you want the energy in that space to be as clean as possible so that when the consciousness leaves the body it is leaving the body into an energetically clean environment. Juniper has a similar effect but is more expensive.
27. If you have particular concerns about the negativity of people or energies in that room, you can call upon Archangel Michael as a protective force, or use the Green Tara mantra as a way of protecting the space from negative influences.
28. Try to avoid bright dazzling light in the hours before death. Cosy dimmed lighting is more restful and soothing. Basically apply the same rules as you would in a birthing environment. Gentle and soothing is good. Bright and aggressive is not so good. Soothing music and soothing light levels are a good idea.
29. Hold the dying person's hand. Look into their eyes. Do not get sidetracked by your own distress or personal feelings. Your job is to be there for the dying person. Your job is to be a positive force for good for the transition the dying person is about to make. My experience is that if you are doing your best to serve the needs and interests of the dying person, that you can feel great anyway, but if for some reason you don't feel great try to bear this in mind.

30. Have faith in the process. Apply the same rules as you would when dealing with a Sponsee. Even if I meet a Sponsee who tells me they want to kill themselves, tells me they live upstairs from their crack dealer, tells me they hate everybody including me, I do not lose faith in the program. Even if it is distressing for me to hear that person say that they want to kill themselves or that they live next door to their crack dealer I do not reflect hopelessness or despair back to the Sponsee. I reflect back my belief in the program and that I have faith that if I do the right thing is the right things will happen. I stand strong in my faith. I do not allow myself to be buffeted by their distressing conditions as they present themselves to me. The same rules apply when you are dealing with someone who is dying.
31. If they have access to a TV screen with Internet you can play you Tube videos of Thich Nhat Hanh or other wise beings or senior monks and nuns. not only is it very restful but it gives them very valuable information on the nature of death and dying. Restful is the keyword. It has to be restful and soothing. Belly laughs are not really what it's about when they are very ill and weary. They may be able to smile weakly when you say something funny, but meaningful connections take precedence beyond merely humouring them.
32. Don't feel guilty or like you've done something wrong if you feel fine. Whatever your feeling is legitimate. Don't be guilt tripped into thinking you ought to the feeling some other way.
33. Use your common sense. Don't adhere to anything in an unthinking way or blindly. God gave you brains to use so please use them. Re-evaluate things, on a moment by moment basis.
34. People who are dying or have died haven't really gone anywhere. They may not still be there in the physical form they once were in, but they are merely transforming into a different form. You will just have to learn how to recognise them in their new form. So try not to entertain the idea that they have literally disappeared because they haven't. They will always be available to have a conversation with if you really want to. If you miss them have a little conversation with them.
35. People who are dying become much more sensitive to the atmosphere in the room. Even if they have spent their entire life being oblivious to subtle changes in energy, this will not be the case when they are dying. They will know what mood powerful you are in and if you are insincere. They will be much better at reading you like a book. They will also soak up like a sponge either a good atmosphere or a negative atmosphere. If you spend time with them and you are in a good mindset you will emanate positive thinking and they will benefit from that and become more positive of themselves. They are basically like an energetic sponge. Much more so than they would have been before. Bear that in mind and tried to cultivate a good mind space in order to bring that to them in their room.
36. If the dying person asks for something that sounds irrational, don't dismiss it straight away. It might very well be irrational but why shouldn't they be able to do it. It might be a silly thing but accommodate their wishes as much as you possibly can. Don't just say ‘no’ thinking that there are being silly. It might be that it's a very difficult thing to actually do that it's possible. Basically listen to their requests as though they are all completely legitimate requests. It's very easy to listen to what they're saying and think that they are just too full of drugs and I don't really know what they're saying. Obviously it depends on the person, but try to listen with an open mind and determine whether or not what they're asking is doable.
37. If the dying person says they are uncomfortable or distressed don't dismiss it as a mood that has no legitimate basis. It's very probable that they have a very valid point. They might know something about the situation that nobody else has picked up on. basically give them the same credence as you would a person of sound mind even though it's very tempting to dismiss what they're saying as drugged out anxiety.
38. Sleep overnight in their room or hospital ward if you can. Or take it in turns to sleep overnight in their room or the ward. They are at their most frail and it is really hard for them to cope so they need all the help they can get.
39. View the body at the undertakers before cremation or burial (Ask them for a 'viewing') as this helps consolidate the reality that they have physically left their body which is god for your process. Attend the funeral because this also helps your process and is a great place to be of service.

40. They will lose the capacity to speak at some point so you need to have the conversations you need to have before this point is reached.
41. The last thing to go is hearing so you can speak to them right up until the moment they take their last breath. Try not to say anything remotely negative and tried to keep other negative conversations far away from the dying person right up until the point they take their last breath. The more peaceful the atmosphere and the more peaceful conversation the better.
42. The pain medication makes them drowsy and confused so you have to become a bit of a mind reader when determining what they want or they need next. It's like trying to understand a baby who was first learning how to speak.
43. Don't be fobbed off by the refrain that the patient or the nurses need 'space'. The dying person needs love and care and attention so provide as much of that as you possibly can.
44. The more work you do before the person dies, the less 'grieving' you will need to do after they die. The more you put in the more you get out.
45. Bring in crystals or sacred objects that raise the vibration of the room in which the sick or dying person is in. Essential oils have the same effect. Placing crystals on the dying persons energy centres can be very healing for them.
46. Dying people become much more porous to negative or positive energies. Mentally they become much more childlike and spontaneous. They can open up like a flower and become like a child experiencing the wonder of life. In the run-up to the death process they are at their most receptive regarding subtle energetic things, so anything you do that improves the energy for the better will not be wasted at this time.
47. Think of yourself as a death transition midwife. Create the most beneficial conditions for that person to make the great transition in. Create most positive energetic space for that person to make the great transition in.
48. They will talk of the journey, the long road, a train journey, an aeroplane journey. Dying people always know that they are dying but they often express it in terms of a journey of some sort, often in childlike language. When they start saying things like this this means that they know they are going to die. this is normal and do not be distressed by it.
49. Because dying people are much more tuned in to the death process and unwittingly tuned into these other realms, they know often when they are going to die. If they start to speak confidently about meeting people on certain days soon it might mean they will die on that day. Listen very carefully to clues that they give you in their speech. it might sound like they are speaking childishly that if they refer to a definite date in the future when they expect to see somebody who was not geographically near for instance, this is a very strong clue that they will die on that date.

50. Sometimes people who are dying are frightened by the transition process and will have a frightened expression on their face or may move their arms around like they are reaching for something. The nurses will tell you that this is the effect of the medication, but it is probably because they are seeing things in other realms which slightly frighten them. Using Melissa in combination with a protective oils such as pine, and also using Archangel Michael or the Green Tara mantra or to create a energetic space that does not feel threatening to the dying person.
51. If you go to sleep while watching a frightening and disturbing film, you are more likely to have a frightening and disturbed dream. If you go to sleep watching a kind and soothing film you are more likely to have a kind and soothing dream. It is the same sort of thing when you die. If you die in distressing and disturbing circumstances you are more likely to have a unhelpful rebirth. If you die in a soothing and kind mind state this is very helpful for your following rebirth.
52. According to a Rinpoche with 30 years experience in the robes, death converts the experience from the more gross manifestation of body to the more subtle manifestation of consciousness or mind. Once in the more subtle manifestation of mine alone, and the experience is much like a dream. So a good way to practice for entering this particular state is to become more conscious of your dreams. Try to become better at Lucid dreaming. If you can remain conscious whilst in the dreaming estate then you have a better chance of remaining conscious whilst in the post-death mind state. If you are planning on navigating well through this particular realm the best way to practice is to become very sensitively acutely aware of the variations of mind state using the practice of meditation during your lifetime. The more acutely conscious you are of fluctuating mind states, the easier it will be to remain fully aware of the movements of the mind once catapulted into this 'dream state' after the transition of physical death.
53. There is normally a soul group in attendance or preparation for the dying person to die. The dying person may say that they see people in the room, or see a familiar loved one. They may look as though they are looking quite intently at a certain part of the room, or listening intently to a conversation that you cannot see taking place. The presence imagined or otherwise of unseen people in the room might very well be their loved one or members of their soul group. If the dying person tells you that they have seen their deceased partner recently this may be part of this particular process and do not be alarmed or dismiss it as mere fancy.
54. If you know any healers you can either put the dying person's name on a list that remote healers use. Or you can notify healers that someone you know is dying, provide their name, and they will be able to transmit healing energy to the dying person. This will not prevent them from dying but can be a significant help as regards ameliorating their stress or anxiety in the run-up to the death.
55. Flowers generate a delicate and gentle vibration to a room. Dying people are able to appreciate flowers and birds and plants in a way that people who are not dying cannot appreciate. It is a kindness to bring beautiful flowers to somebody who is dying in can therefore appreciate them in a much more profound way. They also raise the vibration of the room and bring beauty into the room. They are a celebration of life; so do not think that flowers are wasted on dying people. It is for this reason that altars and Buddhist shrines contain flowers.
56. Animals can be very tuned in to the dying person. If there is a cat or dog they may be in distress or act differently when a person becomes ill and increasingly frail and also very close up to the time of death. If there is an animal nearby it may act differently if it knows someone is dying. It may enter the room and sit there when somebody is dying or about to die. Basically if there are animals nearby they may give you clues as to when that person is due to die.
57. Make sure the dying person knows that they are free to go with your blessing. As they say in AA "we don't make friends we take hostages". Is very important that they know they have your permission and blessing to leave. And in case you are not sure that this has happened, tell them in the nicest possible way that they are free to leave with your blessing. If you are holding onto them emotionally or mentally, or feel slightly offended that they are about to leave, they may delay their departure until you leave the hospital for instance.
58. Tying up loose ends. Dealing with baggage. Take a guess as to who you think is still alive that they really value and love. Contact those people, and make a phone call to them from the hospital so that the dying person can speak to them, or set up a videoconference using Skype and give them some privacy so that they can have a conversation between themselves without you listening in. Create opportunities for the dying person to have the conversations you think are most important to them. This is important because they may not be in the right state of mind or have the clarity of thought to be able to do this for themselves. It isn't too difficult to figure out who the people they cherish are. Also if certain people insist on visiting them who you suspect they don't really like, again try to limit their exposure to them as it will just rattle the cage and they are also very mentally vulnerable and susceptible to unpleasant environments.
59. Once they have stopped breathing it is still beneficial to sit with the body for hours afterwards. This might sound strange but it isn't. It is a gentle transition so too abruptly leave doesn't seem quite right.

60. Directing love and compassion and benevolent thoughts toward that person after they have physically died is very useful for them. So feel free to say mantras or pray for them or direct any form of positive thought and feeling toward them afterwards and this will help them. You can ask priests monks or nuns or anyone really to help you do this. The more the merrier.
61. Recently deceased people are very sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of other people about them. So it makes sense to maintain well-being and a benevolent attitude toward that person for long as you possibly can after they have died. Basically it's like they are a very unintentionally psychic, and therefore have the ability to eavesdrop on any thoughts that you might have about them. So it makes sense to have the sort of thought that you would be happy for them to be aware of. If you are particularly distressed or emotionally overwrought in relation to their death this will be a very emotionally charged thought form which would be quite noticeable and possibly distressing for the dead person to be aware of, particularly if they felt helpless about being able to ‘fix’ that distress because they had passed on. If they were somebody who in their lifetime fell very responsible for other people's distress and tried to fix people a lot, then that personality type is going to be even more affected by the awareness of family members or friends in a lot of emotional pain due to their death. Obviously it's a different sort of experience once you're in a different realm, but by and large it makes sense not to burden them with issues around your unresolved emotional baggage in addition to dealing with the difficulties of being in a completely different form, which is quite difficult thing to figure out. Why do you think monks and nuns devote entire lifetimes to learning how to navigate through this realm? It's because it's actually quite difficult. So don't make it more difficult by creating emotional waves that will attract their attention on and distract them from the task at hand.
62. You may have dreams about the recently deceased person soon after the death. It is very important to try and keep track of your dreams after a death as you may receive messages or important information from the recently deceased person via dreams.
63. Try as hard as you can to be physically present when the person dies. It is so therapeutic and beneficial to be around the dying person that you do yourself a great disservice if you miss the opportunity to spend time with them before they die and to be with them in the room when they die. It's an exceptional and sacred moment, so do not deprive yourself of this opportunity. This is the great secret that nobody tells you. You can feel the closeness of other realms in the room when a person dies. You get to share the perception of the preciousness of life from the dying person's perspective if you care for them in close quarters up to their death. This is priceless therapy so do not miss it. I love dying people because they are the only people who have the 'correct' perspective of life. It is the people that are not dying that I find more difficult to be around.
64. Watch the film Meet Joe Black. It’s a useful perspective and quite accurate in terms of tone.
65. Dying people take delight in simple things. Plants, flowers, birds. Holding their hand. Appreciation and kind words. This is what life is for and dying people know this only too well so they are your greatest teachers.
66. Because of this altered attitude in the run-up to death, the most stubborn and defiant personalities can open up like a flower and change in ways you would not expect when death approaches. So maintain an open mind about even the most stubborn person you know who might be dying. They might change right at the very end.
67. Don't talk to them like a child just because they are sick or under the influence of lots of medication. Don't patronise them. They will know that you're patronising them because dying people can see through you much better than normal people. They will see through your insincerity and it will make them unhappy.
68. Don't be overly sentimental or awkward or embarrassed they will see through that to and it will make them uncomfortable. Be as comfortable in your own skin as you possibly can and do as much as you can to put the other person at ease. Self forgetting and being a considerate human being will make it easier for you to concentrate on putting the other person at ease as much as you can. It’s not about you, it's about them. And they will be very tuned into your distress so be a benign and easeful presence for them and they will benefit from that.
69. It's physically and emotionally and mentally exhausting looking after a dying person. If possible get them to set up a guest bed for you in the dying person's room and use every opportunity to take a power nap during the day while they are resting because you're going to need all the sleep you can get.

70. If you know any priests or monks and nuns or healers or devoted meditation people, or people in 12-step group that you know are living a spiritual life as opposed to merely talking about it, ask those people to direct positive thoughts towards the dying person and a family generally, as prayers really do work. All thoughts are prayers so any kind and positive thoughts that you can muster up amongst your friends will help tremendously. Post it on Facebook and ask for positive thoughts on there. It all helps.

Your prayers and kind thoughts are helping my dying dad in so many ways, so thank you all so much

2011-05-21T12:37:00.002+01:00

Thanks for your kind thoughts towards my dad. I showed him your comments and he was warmly appreciative in the way that only a dying person can be. It was a very beautiful and touching thing to see his appreciation. Dying is such a bullshit-free zone, I absolutely love it. What a wonderful process to be a part of. Another AA member told me a while ago that she considered it a 'privilege' to be part of the dying process and I keep hearing her words ringing in my ears when I think about the process. Its so ?? ...real, or something. Bullshit just sounds really 'wrong' in the orbit of a dying person. It just 'clangs' awkwardly in the space. There are members of the family who are completely oblivious to the human condition, and they just speak clumsily and 'clangy' in their presence but cannot tune in to the dying person, so tend to drain him. I have noticed that my dad is super-sensitive to the energy and intentions of people round him. He knows when we are about to leave the hospice for the evening for instance and can become agitated and feel isolated. Like he can read our minds. He is starting to talk of a journey and of 'foothills' and long highway. Perfect! This is my language :) so I love it. I feel the closeness of the other ? realms and of benevolent forces and intent so I feel that now we have more in common than ever. I love this so much. Its like he really understands what I am about and knows that I am someone who understands the stuff about emotions and dying. Finally we are on the same page :) There is still some awkwardness around communication as I wasn't sure what to say when he got angry and agitated, but now that I have spoken to other AA's I have a script for how to address his mental and emotional anxiety without getting intimidated or caught off guard by his flashes of frustration. There is so much I could write about this, and I will explain more later as I have found it a wonderfully educational process in many ways, but I must be on my way back to the hospice. Not sure how long. A week? Who knows.

Mainly I want to thank you for your kind thoughts because your prayers have helped like you have no idea. We thought he would die a week or so ago, but the time didn't feel right because I feel he still has stuff left to resolve in his mind, and (thank god) he is still lucid so can re-think his life and his relationships before he dies. He is a stubborn 'scientific' man, who was used to being looked up to, so being unable to get to the bathroom and therefore having to accept being changed in bed instead of using the bathroom is a ! massive ! adjustment for him. He is in a lot of pain and has pretty much stopped eating, but I have seen amazing changes in his attitude in the week or so since he had that downturn and we all thought he was going to die that day, so you will be pleased to hear that he is REALLY making great use of this extra time he has been given, and so much healing seems to be taking place. Its an awesome thing to be part of. A bittersweet process. Very beautiful. So what I mean is, that your prayers and kind thoughts appear to be morphing him into a completely different person inside his failing body and that is an amazing thing. So thank you kind bloggers :) And I hope I can do the same for you when you need it :) Its a bright and warm day here and everything is green and fragrant. High summer :)

I think my dad is dying. I think his time has come..

2011-05-09T20:23:00.003+01:00

I think my dad is dying. I think his time has come.. so I'm off to see him. It might be a false alarm, but we shall see. Wish me luck and if you have time to send a few positive thoughts his way that would be much appreciated. He's been terminally ill for a while now, so we all knew it was coming. But I am just going to go over and try to be a nice human being, as thats all I can do at this stage. For all I know its just a bad downturn today, but i just wanted to mention it here as I've appreciated your kind comments and support in the past and I wanted to put it out there so that the recovery blogsphere could perhaps send a few helpful thoughts his way if he is about to make the great transition. God love him. He must be feeling very lousy and confused poor thing. I hope I can have a grounding and settling presence for him while he feels all over the place and not quite right to say the least. He's been in a lot of pain and he has found the loss of various abilities very hard to take, so I think he has lost the will to hang on now that getting around in the smallest way is so hard. Being old is not for sissies.
Any kind thoughts would be appreciated, and I hope your world is treating you kindly today. Thanks in advance. I love the network of friendship and support that comes to life through the recovery blogs. I better go, but I just wanted to let you know before I set off. Thanks :) I will keep you posted..

Disappointment, Idealism, and why it’s not a good idea to put people on pedestals

2011-04-17T10:10:00.007+01:00

I seem to be spending a lot of time recently explaining to people under 5 years of sobriety that just because people have been sober long time doesn’t necessarily mean that they are nice people, or that they are not seriously deluded or deeply unconscious in some way or other. I’m trying to puncture their idealism and bring them back down to earth because I think many of them tend to be idealistic and therefore unrealistic about what can reasonably be expected by embarking upon the steps. Or more to the point, that the vast majority can very often be compromised, or just not try very hard to get well and do a fairly half-baked job of it.

I found this great response to a query about disappointment, and I think it applies equally to AA or to any other institution that purports to contain reputable spiritual seekers of some kind. Basically it applies to any authority in my opinion. Principles before personalities as they say. Do not put any person on a pedestal. I edited the text so that it reads as though it applies to AA.

http://community.dhammaloka.org.au/threads/205-When-monastics-disappoint
The reality is that the number of truly exceptional people, whether in AA or Al Anon, is always going to be tiny. This is true even within a tradition as established as AA. So be careful not to take individuals as your refuge. Rather, simply remember that as long as we have the 12 Steps, there will always be a small number of people who realise 12 Step teachings; we just don’t know exactly who they are. Keep your eyes and ears open, keeping asking questions, and you will be able to steer the right course.

Please also remember that conditioning and delusion are very powerful forces. It is possible to be a good AA member or Sponsor, yet be profoundly deluded about certain issues. Anyone who is deluded hurts themselves, or their own cause, more than anyone else. If you remember this, you may be able to feel a sense of compassion instead of getting upset. To avoid conceit, it is also useful to remember that most of us, probably all of us – are deluded in some respect or other. Again, the right response is compassion towards ourselves and others. My point is that although it is important to take a stand on what is right, it is equally important not to get carried away and forget basic AA principles. Let us be careful not to be swamped with negative emotions. If we're not, we lose the benefits of recovery in a much more profound sense.

Anyway I hope you are having lovely weekend. It is sunny and warm, albeit with raised radiation levels due to the continuing meltdown of the Japanese nuclear reactors being carried across Europe in the jet Stream. Oh well. That’s another story as they say.. :)

Avoiding relapse: Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do

2011-03-08T11:31:00.029Z

Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do.
There are some really basic things that seem like common sense to me now, but didn't always seem like that. So if you're a new person, or you're fairly new to AA generally, or you're somebody who finds themselves relapsing constantly, these are some things which as far as I'm concerned are the most basic elements of the programme and I don't think I've actually ? seen anybody get and stay sober who hasn't done these things. Sometimes people get sober without doing these things, but they cannot STAY sober unless these habits have become a way of life basically. Many balk at these, thinking they are impractical or just not necessary. But to me they are absolutely !! fundamental aspects of the programme. Totally non-negotiable. As mandatory as it can possibly be. If you're planning on staying sober anyway.
If you're thinking of staying sober for six months or a year and then relapsing again then it won't matter if you do these or not, but if you seriously want to get sober and STAY sober then I don't think you stand much of a chance of staying sober unless these habits become a way of life. Here they are:

1. Service. Constant thought of others as opposed to being self obsessed.
2. Ask for help. You are as sick as your secrets so broadcast your dilemmas, and ask for help.
3. Higher power. Get a concept of one, then ask it for help.
4. Just for today card. Ie AA books of some sort. But JFT card will do.
5. Meetings. Go to them and try to take part in them. Go for coffee after. It’s the pub with no beer.
6. Last but not least - Pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink.

One. Do something for somebody else every day. (Ideally a newcomer.) Think of others. Help a newcomer. "Constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" basically. The big Book states very explicitly that 'Helping others is the foundation of your recovery', so make it the foundation of YOUR recovery.
The more self obsessed you are, the more !!! incredibly !!! painful your life becomes. It's excruciating. So save yourself the mental and emotional agony of a contracted and self-obsessed relationship with the world, and instead look at reality from a broader perspective. One that includes the welfare of others as well as your own. As many others as possible. The more you can help the better. (This is NOT an instruction to be a doormat btw, as doormats cause far more problems than they solve. Well that's what I find.) Develop what I call the 'Service mindset' and look upon all life situations as nothing more than an opportunity to be of help. Yes. Especially the really sucky life situations. 'Everything is teaching us' as Ajahn Chah used to say. Aim to best serve the needs of the MOMENT, as opposed to the person. This will make you egoless and selfless. Remember, think 'How can I best serve what appears to be the needs of this moment? Is there ? anything I can do here that might help the people or situation I find myself in?'. Kindness costs nothing. Ajahn Chah used to say "The nicest thing you can do for another person is to be calm and still'. I just look for ways in which I can be helpful to the person in front of me. Even if they look like a psychopath. Especially if they look like a psychopath. Thats been my experience. Either I wish them well or I think to see if there is a way that I can help them. Each situation is different. Btw this does not mean tolerate domestic violence, it means defend your life in order to survive and be useful to others. My experience is that I am in much less danger from hostile forces if I maintain a steady will to assist as many as I can, in whatever way I can, including the most unconscious and disturbing people. My desire to be of help is unconditional, meaning I really believe that the smelly aggressive drunks are no less deserving of my goodwill than the seemingly lily-white spiritual person. Love ought to be unconditional. I just do my lousy best in this regard.

Two. Talk to somebody else very honestly. Ask for help. Stop trying to do it all on your own. Stop being afraid of looking like you don't have all the answers. Take a risk and show your vulnerability. Confess your neuroses. Broadcast your neuroses. You are as sick as your secrets. Ideally you would have this conversation with somebody such as a sponsor, but this can also work if it is a spiritual friend, or somebody else who can be relied upon to tell the truth and be kind, as opposed to trying to dominate and control you, or get you to agree to their philosophy, whatever it happens to be.

Three. Ask a power greater than yourself for help. What would be perfect would be as if you had a very honest conversation with a power greater than you. Make a cup of tea sit down and have a chat. It has to be a loving power greater than you. If it is judgemental then it's no good. If you don't have time for a conversation then reserve it to simply asking for a sober day in the morning and saying thank you at night. By the way if you can't sleep just lie in bed and have a chat to your higher power.

What is a higher power? Well firstly it is loving not judgemental. Secondly it is just something slightly more powerful than you. The world is full of examples of powers greater than you. Somebody said if you can't think of a power greater than new, jump in the air and see how long you can stay there". It can be the power that makes the earth turn, it can be the power of AA as a whole, it can be the collective wisdom and experience of AA members, it can be the collective wisdom available throughout the world, it can be the combined wisdom and experience of a group of people in a meeting relative to your own singular perspective of life. Personally, I find I can learn something from almost anyone. I feel a bit like a magpie, looking for little nuggets of wisdom with whomever I happened to meet. But ultimately I also know, that it's easier for other people to view my behaviour objectively, than it is for me to view my own behaviour because it's always easier to see things in other people than it is to see it in oneself. So I find there are ample examples of areas of wisdom and expertise far beyond my individual capacity wherever I look. I see collective wisdom greater than mine in meetings and in the objective responses reflected back to me from other people every day. So that's why we say that 'God' can mean group of drunks.

The main thing is to understand that our perspective is limited, and that there are vast resources of wisdom and experience beyond our individual perception, and that therefore we would be very wise to make use of those resources, instead of relying entirely upon our own limited pool of information.

If tomorrow you were to decide to become a plumber, and you have two choices, you could either try and figure out how to create plumbing entirely from your own head, or alternatively you could attend a college with Master craftsman plumbers and observe how they have constructed plumbing in the past, which would you choose? Personally I would choose to observe the master craftsman in order to learn this new skill. In selecting people I feel can shed some light on the path I am trying to embark upon, I am in effect identifying a power greater than myself in respect of plumbing, and I am accessing the resource, and asking for help from it.
A higher power works exactly the same way. The only difference is that the College of Master craftsman plumbers, is a physical obvious object that I can see, whereas the power greater than myself which might be the power of AA as a whole, is something I cannot see as tangibly as the College of plumbers. But in order to make use of my higher power I am required to dialogue with it and ask it to for help even though it doesn't appear like a solid object in the same way a plumbing college would. So that's the difference. I ask it for help and I say thank you at night, and I can converse with it particularly in regard to things that I am having difficulty with or do not understand, or feel I need help with. Well that's how I understand how using a higher power works. You are entirely free to choose which ever concept makes sense to you. The only requirement is that it is a power greater than you, and that it is a loving higher power. I find the simpler you keep this the better.

And I have not found it necessary for people to choose a religious concept of a higher power. You can remain atheist for as long as you want and this will not cause you any problems whatsoever in staying sober. In the beginning my concept of a loving power greater than me was blurry and vague and confusing, so the first thing I asked for was "please would you grant me the most loving and most powerful concept of a power greater than me, that I can have". I think I asked this for about a week and very soon after I felt as though I did have a much clearer and accessible concept of a loving power greater than me. And this made progress in recovery a lot easier. The book tells us that it is all right to ask for oneself, if the things you ask for assist your recovery. I felt there was no problem in asking for a clearer concept of a power greater than me because it would assist my recovery. I didn't like asking for this concept because I was very defiant and very resistant. As far as I remember I asked this through gritted teeth. So don't concern yourself if you feel like you are full of defiance and anger and resistance, because I have found that not to be a problem. Once you have a concept of a power greater than yourself you can then ask that power greater than yourself for help with your defiance and help with your resistance.

Four. Try to do something off the just for today card. It doesn't have to be the most difficult thing, it can be any thing you want. If you're going through a difficult time, carry the just for today card with you in your back pocket, and when you get stuck or overwhelmed about something, try to do one of those things on the just for today card, and it can be the easiest thing on card.

Five. Go to AA meetings, and try to be helpful when you get there. Don't isolate in the meeting, do service, talk to people, talk to newcomers. Be part of the meeting. Do not just show up and disappear at the end without talking to people. This is a recipe for disaster. It is a pub with no beer. It's a free social and community resource, and you would be very foolish to pass up the opportunity to be part of it. The alternative is social isolation. If you attend meetings you will automatically come into contact with a vast range of amenable and accessible friendly people. Yes of course some of them are slightly unhinged, but the trick is to gravitate toward the people who you feel you have something in common with, or who you feel are mutually supportive and constructive and positive. There is no hard and fast rules but generally it would be considered unwise to gravitate toward people who act unpredictably and irrationally, and it would be considered helpful to gravitate towards people that make you feel better after you have spoken to them. Obviously men stick with men and women stick with women to avoid thirteen stepping.

Btw I've seen people stay sober who didn't go to meetings but had access to a very real network of AA friends so basically had the benefits of a meeting without having access t one. ie were helping newcomers and talking regularly to others and confiding in them, despite being away from physical meetings. You can help newcomers online nowadays by saying nice things to them on their blogs. The blogsphere has opened up a whole network of fellowship and service. I knew someone (before the days of internet) who lived on an Island with no meetings but stayed sober by setting up their own meeting and trying to help local alcoholics. So if there are no meetings near you this need not be the end of the world. What matters is whether you are helping newcomers and confiding honestly in others.

Six. Last but not least, pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink. This is the case whether you are one-week sober, one-year sober, 10 years sober, or 20 years sober. It doesn't matter. The rule stays the same. If for any reason you think you might want to pick up a drink, you need to pick up the phone first and talk to someone about it. You need to be completely honest about what's going on in your head. Tell the truth basically instead of trying to struggle through life on your own. Once there is a real danger that you might drink, then all bets are off and you need to get the phone ASAP. Nothing takes greater precedence than this instruction. Even if you are in the middle of a marriage ceremony you need to leave the room, find the nearest phone, and call someone in AA. This is not negotiable. You pick up the phone no matter what. This is what is called going to any lengths. If you are on holiday you pick up the phone, if you are in the middle of an important board meeting you leave and you pick up the phone. If you are in the middle of explaining some complex technical theory to a conference, you excuse yourself for five minutes and you pick up the phone. No exceptions. If you are in the middle of planning a strategic military attack on a bunker, you excuse yourself from the control room and you pick up the phone. First things first. If you relapse then the problem you are dealing with will deteriorate rapidly due to your inability to manage it because you are drinking. So if you care about the life situation you are dealing with, you will have no choice but to leave it and pick up the phone. Alcoholics cannot stay sober on their own. The days of soldiering on through life alone and "independent" are over. You need people whether you like it or not, and you need to start being honest with them about how you're REALLY feeling. Not how you would like them to THINK you are feeling. This can be very ego puncturing, but it's actually a nice thing to do. It only takes five minutes to pick up the phone and speak to somebody in AA so it's no great loss. It's five minutes of your life for God sakes so it's no big deal. So pick up the phone.

* I used dictation software so there might be some ? funny words here I havent spotted yet. I'll fix them eventually ! Its alovely day here so great for a run in the park.. Have a great Tuesday :)

Emanate goodwill instead of emanating ill will

2011-03-01T14:15:00.017Z

I always think motive is far more important than the words themselves. I feel my way rather than thinking my way. If when I look inside I can see condemning, presupposed judgements or accusatory tendencies, I know through previous experience that I am starting on the wrong foot, and that I should withdraw from expressing myself at that time until I feel as though I am coming from a more neutral place.
Basically if my attitude is negative I am not likely to have much success. I will probably wind them up. The only way I know how to speak in a way which doesn't cause more problems is to be genuinely goodhearted. I don't always start out that way but that doesn't matter. In other words it's not what comes into your head that matters, it's what you do with it that counts. So a lily-white psyche is not required to say the right thing. All that's really needed is a desire to do the right thing no matter what your head or emotions tell you.
I try as hard as I can to give other people the benefit of the doubt, especially when I have become convinced that they are a bit rubbish or irritating. If I am having a particularly negative perception of them, then chances are I have completely lost all objectivity and I am just stewing on some deluded resentment or other. I suppose what I'm saying is that if there is some unconscious reactivity bubbling around under the surface, that very little can be achieved by windowdressing, i.e. faking pleasantries when there is some internal tension going on. My experience is that it's much better to confront the negative attitude head on and make a sincere effort to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. This is much easier if you have learned that your head very rarely tells you the truth, and emotions lie. I have reached a point where I don't trust my thoughts or my feelings, so this makes being open-minded in such situations much easier.
By the way this doesn't mean that I deliberately hang around in abusive conversations, it just means that when I sense negativity internally, I would rather address my judgement and accusatory tendencies than try to be pleasant through gritted teeth and fail miserably. I'm also surprised at how quickly one can genuinely alter one's internal landscape if you're used to questioning your thoughts and feelings instead of accepting them on face value. Many years of practising restraint of tongue and pen mean that I'm able to keep my mouth shut, and make a conscious effort to become open-minded about that person, instead of deciding in advance that they must be irritating or wrong in some way before I clarify the issue that I am concerned about.
I just thought I'd mention that because it came up in conversation recently.

I suppose what I'm saying is that your private thoughts and emotions about other people aren't really as private as you think. People actually know you much better than you realise. If you have a negative attitude towards them, even if you don't say anything explicit or express to that effect, they will know on some level. If you get used to the idea that everybody can see through you then there is a much stronger motivation to clean up your internal, privately held attitudes and beliefs about people places and things. I am much more motivated to be pure hearted towards other people because I know how easy it is to see through people, and I also know that people react extremely badly to negative attitudes when they are slightly disturbed to begin with. So it makes sense to clean up one's internal environment, rather than paper over the cracks with phoney pleasantries that actually don't fool anyone.

In AA we call this having a good bullshit detector, but really on some level children, pets, your co-workers and everyone really are able to pick up on your negative attitude and will react accordingly because most people are highly reactive. So you save yourself a lot of grief if you make a real effort to come from a goodhearted place, (despite habitual negativity) and emanate goodwill towards them instead of emanating ill-will towards them.

Anyway it's a rather uninspired grey lifeless and rather cold day over here. I'm going to have some tea and get to the gym and that might get the blood circulating. I hope your Tuesday is a little bit more interesting than this one is looking so far :)

Dependence or Attachment? The Solution is to 'Kiss the joy as it flies'

2011-02-19T11:08:00.005Z

I'm glad that I can take refuge in something other than 'people places and things' ie "Joy at last to know there's no happiness in the world" (often quoted by Ajahn Chah)..meaning thank god I no longer have to waste valuable time, mental and emotional energy looking for refuge/security/certainty in that which is inherently insecure and therefore uncertain because it is subject to change. what a relief! Its all shifting sand so utterly pointless hanging onto it or expecting it to be permanent when it isn't. Deep joy to know the limits of what people places and things can offer. I can 'kiss the joy as it flies' but thats about it. I don't look for refuge in the shifting sands and that makes my life whole lot easier. Bill nailed it when he spoke of 'faulty dependence' on people places and things. He was really repeating another Bill :) (William Blake) who says

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

Have a lovely weekend :)

Converting straw to gold. Converting suffering to liberation..

2011-02-09T13:37:00.006Z

Here’s some summary notes I made on the chapter 6 of a book about how to develop happiness in the previous post. I’ve added Big Book quotes when they seemed to be saying the same thing. I only made these notes to help me remember it later. :) because I forget !! everything otherwise. So feel free to ignore it if you feel like it..

Reasons why it’s a good idea to work towards reducing ones own suffering.
1. If we let ourselves be overwhelmed by our personal problems, no matter how tragic, we only increase our difficulties and become a burden on those around us.
a. We think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we bust into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. P132. Big book.
2. It is essential to acquire a certain inner sense of well-being so that without in any way blunting our sensitivities, our love, and our altruism, we are able to connect with the depths of our being.
3. "If there is a cure, what good is discontent? If there is no cure, what good is discontent?

Conclusions about suffering.
1. Suffering will always exist as a universal phenomenon, but every individual has the potential for liberation from it.
2. Suffering is not inevitable because unhappiness has causes that can be identified and acted upon. Unhappiness is itself subject to change and can be transformed. There is neither primordial nor eternal suffering. We all have the ability to study the causes of suffering and gradually to free ourselves from them.
a. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. P133. Big Book.
3. Peace of mind does not come simply because we want it to. You have to take action and work towards it. It's not the magnitude of the task that matters; it's the magnitude of our courage.
a. Faith withot works is dead. P76. Big Book. Do not be discouraged. P70. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s a cinch an inch but it’s hard by the yard.

Common misperceptions about unhappiness.
1. Unhappiness is inevitable because it is the result of divine will or other immutable principle ie forever out of our control.
2. Unhappiness has no identifiable cause, is random and has no relation to us personally.
3. Confused fatalism thinking that whatever the cause of suffering, the effect will always be the same. Ie ‘Whats the point’.

Distinguish between ephemeral discomforts and unhappiness.
1. Ephemeral discomforts:
a. Depends on external circumstances.
2. Unhappiness
a. A profound state of dissatisfaction enduring even in favorable external conditions.
i. Restless irritable and discontent. The Doctor’s opinion.

Distinguish between 2 types of suffering: Physiological pain and the mental and emotional suffering it unleashes.
1. Physiological pain.
a. Mental imagery has proven to be the most effective in alleviating pain. eg a Beautiful landscape. Slide show. or a repetitive exercise .
b. Within a month of guided practice of mental imaging, 21% of patients claim a notable improvement in their chronic migraines, as opposed to 7% of control group that did not undergo training

2. Mental and emotional suffering.
a. Emotional reactions to pain vary, but if we allow anxiety to overwhelm our mind, the most benign pain will soon become unbearable.
b. Assessment of pain also depends on our mind. It is the mind that reacts to pain with fear, rejection, despondency, or a feeling of powerlessness; instead of being subjected to a single agony, we accumulate a host of them.
c. Selfless sadness need not amount to mental and emotional suffering because you can suffer physically or mentally - by feeling sad, for instance - without losing sense of fulfillment founded on inner peace and selflessness.

Magic magnifying mind p420 Big Book Acceptance was the answer: The more we think of the problem, the bigger the problem gets. The more you think of the solution, the bigger the solution gets. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/bigbook/pdf/theystoppedintime16.pdf
‘If our mind becomes accustomed to dwelling solely on the pain that events or people inflict on it, one day the most trivial incident will cause it infinite sorrow. As the intensity of this feeling grows with practice, everything that happens to us will eventually come to distress us, and peace will find no place within us. All manifestations will assume a hostile character and we will rebel bitterly against our fate, to the point of doubting the very meaning of life.’

Being happy doesn’t mean you stop caring or feeling.
1. You can be happy despite trauma and tragedy because someone can feel unconditional love for those who suffer and do everything in their power to attenuate their pain without allowing their lucid vision of existence to be shaken.
2. A storm may be raging at the surface, but the depths remain calm. ‘The wise man always remains connected to the depths.’
3. You can be available to others without giving in to despair when the natural episodes of life and death follow their course. It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15. big book.
4. Recovery from unhappiness is managed not cured because just because you are not defeated doesn’t mean events do not affect you or that you have overcome these obstacles forever; it only means that they no longer block your progress toward inner freedom.

The role of self-centeredness in suffering and pain.
1. "selfcenteredness" is the source of most of our disruptive thoughts. From obsessive desire to hatred, not to mention jealousy, it attracts pain the way a magnet attracts iron filings. Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. P62. Big Book.
2. Death/loss of a loved one. Self centered/self obsessed attachment is what causes painful obsession with the other. Remaining painfully obsessed with a situation or the memory of a departed loved one, to the point of being paralyzed by grief for months or years on end, is evidence not of affection, but of an attachment that does no good to others or to oneself.
3. Self-centeredness is the root cause of ‘invisible suffering’.

What is ‘invisible suffering’?
1. Visible suffering. Easy to spot..
2. Hidden suffering. concealed beneath the appearance of pleasure, freedom from care, fun.
a. Eating a fine dish and later getting food poisoning.
b. It remains hidden to those taken in by the illusion of appearances and cling to the belief that people and things last, untouched by the change that affects everything. Ie ‘This too shall pass’.
3. Invisible suffering.
a. The suffering that underlies the most ordinary activities.
b. Eg the inhumane battery farming ‘hidden’ in a boiled egg.
c. Is the hardest to distinguish.
d. Stems from blindness, ignorance, selfishness, selfcenteredness.

Page 84 has examples of freedom from suffering despite great adversity including stories about Guy Comeau (Peace despite great physical suffering) and Tenzin Choedrak (peace despite prisoner of war and torture survivor).
2 Proposed solutions to suffering offered are Mental imaging, where you try to imagine situations that are a source of peace on p74 and secondly a Compassion practice which is like Step 12. As in Service and 'Constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs' big Book which is on page 78 of his book. Although I find helping a newcomer works much the same way. :)

Anyway, I was interested with the similarities between this approach and AA so I just thought I would share that :) Hope you are all having a lovely wednesday :)

The part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything

2011-02-05T12:24:00.004Z

“I often notice that when people get up from the table on the patio, they don’t push their chair back in. They have no commitment to that chair. They feel, “The chair isn’t important, I have to get into the zendo and hear about the truth.” But the truth is the chair. It’s where we are right now. When we leave the door open, it’s that part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything, so we run out the door. We’re looking for the truth instead of being the unease and distress of where we are right now.”
Joko Beck. Everyday Zen.

Every moment of our life is relationship. There is nothing except relationship.
Joko Beck. Everyday Zen.

My thoughts..
‘The part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything.’
Frantically and unthinkingly looking for the next thing instead of being with ‘the unease and distress of where we are right now’.

Eg: acting in an inconsiderate way with people on the tube in order to get to the meeting on time. There’s a contradiction there :)
What does that action tell us about how we REALLY feel toward our feelings? It says ‘I don’t really care’. ‘I’m just going to carry on regardless’ I do not care enough to stop and attend to this discomfort. How uncaring. How callous. How insensitive. We scurry on regardless out of habit, fear and heedlessness. Like a hamster in a wheel. All fear and scurrying. We need to STOP, and notice what is happening. Like a glass of muddy water, if you stop just a little you start to notice these things when the water gets clear. The silly blurry heedlessness becomes easier you notice, and we can see the ‘unease and distress of where we are right now.’ This is what AA calls ‘Restless irritable and discontent.’ This is what we need to notice.

Sorry for prolonged absence. I am reading TONS of stuff. so am rethinking lots of stuff :)
Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skil
Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?: Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life's Difficulties
Mindfulness Bliss and Beyond: A Meditator's Handbook
Everyday Zen: Love and Work

Hope you are having a LOVELY Saturday :)

Heard in a meeting

2010-11-24T11:31:00.002Z

'I want to do life 'neat', not dilute it with alcohol'.

I heard this and liked it, so I just thought I would share that.
It's a brilliant autumnal day over here. Have a lovely wednesday :)

What (free) stuff I'm listening to. Amongst other things.. Adyashanti

2010-11-21T18:55:00.004Z

I love this !!!!! sooo much at the moment. Can't !! stop listening to it on my ipod. :)
The free basic teaching talks are ! excellent. But yes, I have bought some mp3's as well. Can't get enough of this at the moment. Love it to bits. I wonder what thing will be next?
Anyway I thought I would just include a reference to the free basic talks, as they pretty much cover 98% of the teaching anyway. Thats it.
I'm not going to go on about it as this one involves having to part with cash. Which I don't want to encourage people to do really. i prefer to mention free stuff only. I spend money on technology and esoteric stuff, so thats my weakness. My curiosity gets the better of me. Normally I lend people my CD's so that they can listen to the mp3's, but thats harder to do when we are not meeting each other in the AA meeting down the road, (!) but if you email me I'll see what I can do.
Hope you had a nice weekend :)
Full moon tonight!! Awesome :) I LOVE the full moon..

Here are links to the free talks on the basic teachings..? if you are interested. if not. Thats fine too :)
The Basic Teachings ~ Part 1....Principles of the Teaching
http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=video
The Basic Teachings ~ Part 2 ...Application of the Teaching
http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=video

3 free episodes of The Big Silence on BBC iplayer till the 12th of November

2010-11-05T11:22:00.024Z

This was recommended to me and I think it is really good.

Update* The episodes have since been added to youtube so if you missed them on BBC iplayer, you can see them on youtube instead. They are on http://www.worthabbey.net/bbc/links-youtubeBS.htm

It is called The Big Silence and was broadcast on BBC2.
There are 7 days remaining to watch the 2 episodes for free on BBC iplayer online. There are two episodes of one hour each. The Retreat Centre used in this programme is St Beuno's in North Wales and has some of the most breathtaking scenery I have seen in avery long time. Stunningly beautiful. Here is a link for the place they attended if you think you might be interested in doing a retreat there. I must admit i was impressed with the Jesuits who acted as guides for retreat participants. They were very, very kind and gentle in my estimation. From what I saw in this programme. Here is a link for the retreat schedule in St Beuno's. For all I know it might be expensive. I have no idea. Monasteries offer retreats that are free or very affordable so do not despair if you have limited funds and would like to go on a retreat :)

Here is the link for the TV programme. http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/vjcp5/

I found it very moving. Excellent program. I loved the skillful insight into how to access the healing power of silence, and the transformation of the volunteers over 8 days. The volunteers were courageous and honest, very imperfect, yet they all underwent a deep transformation. They were humbled by the experience of witnessing their restlessness and conflicts when left with no distractions to 'escape' from their loneliness, boredom, and restlessness.

There are some very nice Christian monastics on here. Plus some very lovely non-monastic Jesuits (ie like you and me because we do not live in monasteries) who have managed to develop a valuable meditation practice despite work and home obligations. If you have never been to a retreat before this will give you an idea of the gentle-hearted people you are lucky enough to meet if you do. It is also an indication that it is not the ? type of path chosen that is important (as ? far as I know) meaning buddhist, christian, jesuit etc, but how much you are committed to the path you have chosen. Basically all people who sincerely and earnestly seek to grow along spiritual lines, and are committed to unconditional truth and love turn into wonderful human beings as a result of their devotional practice. Well thats what I think. 'Badges' such as Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Jesuit etc are less important than the willingness to go to any lengths to realize your best self.

Heres the blurb from the BBC iplayer website..
Abbot Christopher Jamison, a Benedictine monk, believes that he can teach five ordinary people the value of silent meditation, as practised by monks in monasteries, so they can make it part of their everyday lives. He sets up a three-month experiment to test out whether the ancient Chrisitan tradition of silence can become part of modern lives.
In this episode, Christopher brings the five volunteers to his own monastery, Worth Abbey, before sending them to begin a daunting eight days in complete silence at a specialist retreat centre.

Have a lovely weekend, ..and of course I hope life is treating you well :)

observational comedy on Spiritual Pride

2010-11-04T15:12:00.006Z

AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

This video does not seem to want to upload properly. Oh well You will just have to click on the link instead. It is from the Onion.
I am not endorsing the end result of this comedy sketch, but I LOVE its very accurate portrayal of taking oneself far !!! too seriously and the trap of Spiritual Pride, where you can end up feeling smug, self satisfied or slightly (!) superior to drinkers or other AA's with less recovery. Or anyone really..
When the first 100 members said 'We absolutely insist on enjoying life' they had a point. :)
Anyway, I could not resist sharing this as I thought was very funny and exposes the trap we can all fall into of thinking that we are more 'worthy' or ? something compared to other people because we have had a spiritual awakening.. Meaning we use the process of recovery as an 'ego-feeding-proposition' in itself. Reinforcing narcissism, self importance, self obsession and self centredness. My experience has taught me that much of what AA brings about is a series of very ego puncturing admissions, one after ! another. When however I feel as though I am moving toward an ego massaging proposition, I instinctively feel I am moving away from recovery. I simply do not trust that movement. I prefer ego puncturing. This allows me the freedom not to be serious all the time, or be 'earnest' like I mentioned in the previous post.
Anyway.. Have a great (sanctimonious-free, smug-free and pious-free) Thursday :)

Earnest? No. It's much ! healthier to be harmlessly mischevious

2010-09-24T14:21:00.003+01:00

Heard in meetings: 'Sober not Somber'
'If you are happy would you please inform your face'
Big Book:
We are not a glum lot p132
Those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. p132
We absolutely insist on enjoying life. p132
We cannot subscribe to the belief that his life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. p133

I like it when people in AA are having FUN, wherever ? they are, but not at other peoples expense as that would constitute 'harmful speech'. Or in a socially embarrassing or inappropriate way. Social skills are a !! huge asset, without them its so easy to rub people up the wrong way without realizing..

I saw someone who was clearly quite 'into' the AA programme recently in a very uneventful phase of their recovery, but to me they ? just looked like they were having no ! fun. Very dreary. So ! serious! Bleh. All I know is that I would find it unbearable to endure an overly serious sobriety indefinitely. It looks too much like sufferance. If I go to a meeting which is attended by fairly serious looking people, I'm almost certain that they must think I am some sort of ? lightweight because I look like I'm just having a bit of a laugh. The more serious they are the more I want to have a laugh. But if I attend a meeting full of high-pitched shrieky nervous laughter I am equally uncomfortable and would prefer a more relaxed calm response.

But I was at a meeting full of slightly more serious faces recently and it crossed my mind how important it is to have fun, because it's very hard to stay sober if recovery is terribly serious. if I meet someone who looks a little too earnest or serious, or is simply trying too hard, I try to tell them how important it is to lighten up and wear life like a loose garment. it's the only way that long-term sobriety is bearable. It gets too heavy otherwise. Besides having fun is not an opportunity to be missed. It costs nothing :)
But occasionally I attend meetings full of young people trying desperately to look “interesting” by sounding witty or clever, and those meetings also grate after a while. “You impress me when you stop trying to impress me” is something an old timer at my home group used to say.

My home group 20 years ago was full of people having a laugh, so that's what I became used to. Now when I see a room full of serious faces I cannot really relate to them very much. I understand that this is a common feature of the first 5 years of recovery, and I am sure that when I was less than 5 years I was equally unduly earnest, but I try to encourage sponsees to lighten up as soon as possible rather than wait 5 years to do so like I did. I think 5 years is a common benchmark for the time it takes a reasonably disturbed person to loosen their feverish grip on the program and start to relax a little, by doing less AA activities without fear of drinking again.

So generally speaking I would say that being a bit too serious is not at all good for long-term sobriety, and that if you are a little bit humourless, or serious and preoccupied a lot of the time, that this could quite reasonably have devastating effects on your sobriety long-term.
Trying too hard to be a “good” AA member is equally disastrous because it is not sustainable. Nobody can maintain a earnest disposition, because at some point we all ! look foolish for some reason or other, so the 'earnest' mask will crack. It gets unbearably dull and repressive. There is no fun in it.

So forget the “too good” ideology. Stop trying to convince everybody that you are serious about your program by trying desperately to look serious and earnest, or speak in a terribly serious way in meetings. You stand a much better chance staying sober indefinitely if you really learn how to wear your life like a loose garment and stop taking yourself so seriously. Get over yourself! Try to cultivate harmless mischievousness instead. And if your face looks miserable then you are not there yet :) There should be a glint in the eye. A wry smile. No sufferance. Not a sad “Oh well never mind” smile. A jolly smile. A Santa Claus smile. The best example I can give you as to what I mean when I say this is the example provided by TNH. He discusses very serious and far-reaching topics but he is not miserable looking. Here is a link to recent video so you can see what I mean. http://vimeo.com/14221955

I was saying to another AA member recently how much I appreciated learning how to have huge amounts of fun doing incredibly mundane things. We had stopped to buy something trivial after a meeting in a very ordinary supermarket and ended up having a really pleasant and funny exchange with the cashier. It was a lot of fun, and this isn't the sort of place where people normally ! expect to have much fun. So after we left I was saying to the other AA how lucky we are to be able to have fun in such mundane circumstances. Perhaps this example gives you a better idea of what I mean about developing one's capacity to have fun every day. It's very important. I can't emphasize this enough. I can honestly say that you put your sobriety at grave risk (long term) if you do not learn how to have fun and enjoy your day ? whatever you happen to be doing. Being generally humourless, earnest or taking yourself far too seriously is a recipe for disaster. Even if it doesn't drive you to drink, it will make your sobriety utterly grim, and who wants that?

Anyway, I'd better go so hope you have a lovely weekend :)

Codependency: Brainwashing myself with Byron Katie on repeat play

2010-09-23T17:21:00.005+01:00

Im not sure what exactly ? codependency is, but if any of you see a great weakness in (what you think is) this area, which I would say is just about ! every alcoholic I meet :) .then I would strongly recommend this CD by Byron Katie. Its not the answer to everything, but its a damm fine start :)
You could do a lot worse, put it that way. Anyway I hate (!) to deflect newcomers from the meat and potatoes of the first 9 steps, so I include this as a post step 9 'side salad'. Meaning something that has the potential to enhance ones recovery once the (much !!!!! more important task of stopping oneself drinking oneself to death has been addressed. (!) So yeah, Im not holding this out as a substitute for the steps. No way :)

Basically I am learning a lot from listening to Katie Byron at the moment. It is taking a while to really sink in. But after many many ! many repeat plays, it is starting to seep into my bones. It is essentially a master-class in Acceptance with respect to our relations with others (among other things). and life in all its forms. I love learning new ways of practicing the principles in all my affairs, so this is my current focus. Will be something else in 6-12 months! I learn better by listening than by reading as it catches me off guard, so sneaks into my brain when I am not looking. You might prefer books. I LOVE hearing the voice. It brings the ? teaching home. Or ? something. Gawd knows. Works for me. Thats all I know :)

So, I thoroughly recommend brainwashing yourself by repeat play on loop on your ipod of 'I Need Your Love - Is That True?' audiobook by Byron Katie if you are struggling to accept life on lifes terms with relationship issues. Family, friends, significant others, you name it :) Its the same as AA (well thats how i see it) so ought not contradict any of the principles we are introduced to in AA. But if in doubt, ask another AA or your Sponsor as I would hate to confuse you. I usually recommend this material to people after the first 9 steps, as by then they understand the AA principles with sufficient clarity to be able to dovetail material like this seamlessly with their existing AA programme. If for some reason they are unclear as to what acceptance means in day to day practice (for instance) this might confuse them and look like something ? completely different to what AA advocates, which (in my opinion) would be counterproductive to their recovery. But then I prefer to err on the side of caution. If I were very confident that the Sponsee was able to grasp the 'similarities not the differences' between AA and Byron Katie I would make an exception, so this is not a blanket rule by any stretch. More a case by case basis. I see only similarities between the material on this CD and what AA suggests, so it presents no conflict for me. But there you go, each to their own. Just thought I would mention it in case anyone was interested.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-Your-Love-Approval-Appreciation/dp/0739316990/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285256587&sr=1-2

Have a great Thursday :)

Go see the (free) Heart Shrine Relic Tour if you get the chance..

2010-09-03T08:11:00.005+01:00

Relics are things that ? show up in the cremated remains of teachers from the Buddhist tradition. They are handed down to entrusted people who have donated some for a 500 ft bronze statue in India which is built to last 1000 years, where they will be housed to benefit others.
Its a rare sacred treat to be able to see them, (if you like that kind of thing) ..so ? if you are in London for the next three days, you can see the Heart Shrine Relic Tour at the Jamyang Buddhist Centre,The Old Courthouse, 43 Renfrew Road, London SE11 4NA tel: +44 (0) 20 7820 8787 fax: +44 (0) 20 7820 8605 email:admin@jamyang.co.uk

And f you live in the states, (or anywhere across the world really) the Heart Shrine Relic Tour will travel across the US, so check the Tour calender to see if it is passing near you :)

And regardless of all that :) Have a ! fabulous weekend :) Weather is soo nice today. Crisp and dazzlingly sunny. Gorgeous.

Nothing insures immunity from drinking as much as intensive work with other alcoholics p89

2010-08-27T18:41:00.009+01:00

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. p89 Big Book. Chapter 7 Working with others.
They knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober. p159 Big Book.
Particularly it was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. p14 Big Book.
Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. p20 Big Book.
If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead. p15 Big Book.
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery." p97 Big Book
A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be." p97 Big Book.
To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. p93 Big Book
Happy in their release, and constantly thinking how they might present their discovery to some newcomer" p158 Big Book

But what does AA mean by 'intensive work' with other alcoholics? Presumably the work involved in carrying the message of how precisely to recover (pxXIII) to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Also, the conditions under which this 'intensive work' take place most effectively are defined very explicitly on page 18;
these are the conditions we have found most effective.
he obviously knows what he is talking about;
his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer;
no attitude of Holier Than Thou;
nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful;
no fees to pay;
no axes to grind;
no people to please and;
no lectures to be endured.

So basically, the experience of the first hundred members would seem to be that nothing insures immunity from drinking as much as 'intensive work' with other alcoholics (p89 Big Book) and this 'intensive work' is performed most effectively under the 8 conditions listed on page 18. Easy!

It is very easy to complicate the process of recovery, and make very ? complicated analyses of why certain people relapse and why certain people don't relapse.
Rather than get sidetracked by the debating society line of thinking, I prefer to stick to what I have observed first hand keeps people sober in meetings. All I know, is that I have yet to meet an alcoholic who consistently (!) makes helping newcomers their priority who has relapsed. Thats what attracted me to it in the first place. Yes I know some members 'two-step' (meaning they practice only step one and 12, and skip the rest inbetween) but I mean in conjunction with completing the first 9 steps. I just haven't met them. All the people I meet who consistently focus on, and assist newcomers insofar as helping them stay sober using the programme, ..all stay sober. (as opposed to consistently using AA as a social club, or a place to find a husband, friends or a job or ? whatever..)
Its probably the most consistent thing I've done in AA. The other stuff was presented to me by old timers as a sort of 'side salad'. Optional in the sense that I didn't need to do it straight away or every day, whereas helping others was presented to me as mandatory daily fare right from the beginning. I started when I was very very new. Less than ? 3 months. Its helped me !!!!! tremendously so I always mention it to people who are concerned that they might drink, or are having thoughts about drinking. or for whom drinking still seems appealing. I almost feel guilty saying it, but I literally never think about drinking. But then I help newcomers a LOT. Always have. and I am sure that is why. I really enjoy it now, but I wouldn't say it is ever easy. Its a very demanding workout, but feels great once you get into the swing of it.
I'm not saying it's easy, all I'm saying it's extraordinarily rewarding when you throw yourself into it unconditionally. Plus you don't have to worry about drinking. Well that's what I find.

So, next time you meet somebody who has relapsed, (at ? some point) ask them how many AA newcomers they spoke to, or tried to help in the 7 days preceding their relapse. Two weeks beforehand?
Or how often they helped newcomers before they relapsed. Once a week? Once a month? Every day?
Or ask them which step they were working at the time of their relapse.
If you have no attitude of holier than thou, and have nothing whatever except a sincere desire to be helpful, (page 18) then you can ask these questions without fear of harming the other person. Well thats what I find.

Anyway just thought I would mention that, as I have always been very interested in the conditions preceding a relapse. And the conditions that make people feel very free, and unburdened. Not because I have an interest in the matter per se, but because I have a desire to be helpful, and being informed as to what leads to relapse allows me to be more effective in helping others.
Informed decisions are better than uninformed decisions in my experience. So I try to understand the conditions as best I can, knowing that I may never really understand it, but there's no harm in trying to make sense of it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this :) and I hope you have a !!! fabulous weekend :)

It feels like time for a laugh :) so here's some Fascinating Aida

2010-08-26T07:56:00.004+01:00

It feel like it's time for a laugh :) so here's some Fascinating Aida :) This song is called cheap flights. (They use the word 'fek' just so you know). For US readers, the blonde has a brilliantly accurate rendition of a Southern Irish accent. I rarely find such convincing accents on TV or radio.
They have another funny track called dogging which is ! hilarious. for some reason I only discovered fascinating aida in the last week or so, which is unusual as I used to go to a lot of comedy clubs, so I'm surprised their name never came up.
Also the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britan does a great version of 'Shaft' which I only discovered a ? year or so ago.

So yes, a little light relief is always a good idea. I also really like the Sassy Gay Friend, but NOS gets the credit for pointing that one out to me :) I LOVE the sassy gay friend :) so thank you NOS for that top tip :)
Also Snatch Wars is very funny (but has lots of swearing) based on the character 'Brick Top' in Guy Ritchie's film Snatch. Very UK humor. May not appeal to the US visitors.

But seriously. I think having a laugh is very !! important and is part of the reason I spent a few years going to comedy clubs.
Because I think we all have a tendency to take ourselves far !! too seriously, comedy clubs can be very useful in teaching us how to lighten up. And also just providing us with something to chuckle about later on. I also like being (appropriately) irreverent in conversation as a way of making people laugh, but I'm sure that came from attending comedy clubs. People say they think I'm funny, (when I'm not on life and death AA conversational territory) and I am sure this has a lot to do with having spent years watching live acts. It becomes much easier to use humor in conversation when you have observed comedy acts developing their own styles for a couple of years. I love Harry hills TV Burp, but I don't know who the new talent is on the comedy scene nowadays. Youtube has changed everything, so loads of new material is on there.
Right well. I'd better go off and do some work. (!)
Have a great Thursday :)

Who is the least restless irritable and discontent?

2010-08-23T17:28:00.012+01:00

I had this conversation recently with someone who was going through a difficult time and was finding it difficult to tolerate restless irritable and discontented people, because they were just too draining for her. Rather than say to her “stick with the winners” I said something along the lines of - “make it your business to identify and locate the people at work, family, and AA meetings who are the least restless irritable and discontent. Whoever ? those people turn out to be, those are the people that you ought to be affiliating yourself with during this difficult period. When things get back to normal and everything feels fine, then by all means strike up conversations with people you thoroughly dislike, or who have zero social skills or impulse control. But in the meantime put your recovery first. Put principles before personalities. Recovery comes first. Everything else comes 2nd. Friendships come 2nd. Family comes 2nd. Obligations come 2nd. Within reason. i.e. do not use this AA principal as an excuse to abandon basic common sense. (When in doubt, ask your sponsor or another alcoholic first.)

When I was new in recovery, I had a persistently fragile emotional condition that was easily affected by detrimental or negative influences, so I had no choice but to practice “principles before personalities” in order to have some composure and clarity. So out of necessity I had to learn this AA lesson very early on. I often met people who I thought I had something in common with, or whose sense of humour I liked better than others, but because I was so emotionally fragile I had to put those things to one side and focus instead on who seemed the most comfortable and happy in any given meeting.
Their age, social background, level of professionalism, likes and dislikes were just not important. What mattered was how comfortable they were in their own skin.
I knew at the time that what I was practicing was the notion of “sticking with the winners” but because so many people have difficulty with that expression, I’m explaining it a slightly different way here. People often misinterpret this slogan to mean that it infers that the person who is “sticking with the winners” is making a judgment about the people they are choosing not to affiliate themselves with.
That has not been my experience. What I found, and still find, is that when I choose to gravitate toward people who are the least restless irritable and discontent, this is often a very ego puncturing proposition, because it sidesteps my intellect and ideas about who I like or who I agree with, and instead focuses on the conduct of others. Actions speak much louder than words. Talk is cheap. AA is full of people who like to talk, but may not also like to do the next right thing, or simply haven't learned the importance of moral restraint. “Restraint of tongue and pen” and are therefore very heedless.
I can easily form attachments or friendships to people who are likable but at the same time have destructive or heedless behaviours, which cause rough edges one way and another when I'm in conversation with them. Their lack of moral restraint, or heedlessness, is a sort of loose cannon, which can go off at any time. Friendships with people like this are problematic if I spend much time with them or have quite a few conversations with them. I prefer to form friendships with people who understand how not to be heedless. People who have impulse control and are considerate in their speech and action. Ultimately I find that the people whose actions are the most considerate are the people who are also the least restless irritable and discontent. My experience reflects the experience in the big book insofar as the extent to which I am able to “think of other people's needs and how I can help meet them”, is the extent to which I am “freed from the bondage of self”, and are therefore able to understand the meaning of what it is to be “happy joyous and free”.
Basically I am free to the extent that I am not self obsessed.

So if you are going through a disturbed patch, and are wondering who can show your way out of the mental and emotional disturbance. Simply look around you in the meeting and attempt to identify the least restless irritable and discontent person. That is the person most qualified to teach you how to reduce your discomfort. (This rule does not apply if they are glazed over and doped up to the eyeballs with 101 prescribed mind altering drugs!). When I say the least restless irritable and discontent, I mean without the numbing effects of mind altering drugs. (!)

I look for people with a twinkle in their eye, and inner and outer steadiness.
Using this method has always worked for me. It has guided me to some of the most wonderful AA meetings, AA members and people outside AA, so I'm very grateful that AA taught me this lesson.
So I hope you find it useful if you didn't already know about this one :)
Have a lovely Monday, wherever you are :)

Wonderful old timers and dodgy old timers

2010-07-04T09:21:00.013+01:00

Good morning. I woke up far too early, so I thought about posting something before I go out. I can't think of anything particularly useful to say at the moment. Perhaps I haven't had enough tea and coffee.

Someone else posted this video which is a clip from the film Amongst White Clouds and I liked it so much I thought I would post the you tube link and mention it here. It's right up my street! I love that kind of stuff. Also I found the whole film is viewable online on http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5902279151658995270#

It's been a bit strange catching up a very tiny bit with some people in AA. Like returning to some dysfunctional family. I confess I am a little disappointed with a few members, but what do you expect? They are alcoholics after all, so one shouldn't be entirely surprised if they make some strange (!) life choices. I don't mean that in a bible-belt kind of way. I mean that in a quite deeply disturbing kind of way.

Well if it tells me anything, it confirms to me that step 11 is mandatory. And that (in my interpretation anyway) all hell breaks loose when members who have been sober a long time do not do step 11. I don't think I have actually met any longtime sober person who doesn't do step 11 who has 'got what I want'. Take heed, as they say. The next time I have free time to sponsor somebody, if I really want to achieve as much as I can in the shortest possible time, I will be looking to sponsor people who have what I call a predisposition towards step 11. But step 11 on its own is worthless as well. Step 11 is only really useful once you have cleaned house adequately using the first nine steps.

Perhaps I am very deluded, but I can honestly say that I'm extraordinarily grateful for the path I have been shown in recovery. There are not nearly enough AA members in my locality who have 'got what I want'. Of course I like them. I can't help liking alcoholics. But my favourite old-timer is still one of the only people that really makes sense to me. He is not around any more. But I am extraordinarily grateful for his example. You have no !!!! idea how lucky ! I was to be able to attend his home group for so many years. I have been !!! extraordinarily lucky in my recovery. I could not have asked for more spectacular AA members to learn from. And when I went on to practice step 11 in earnest by visiting very highly regarded Buddhist practitioners, I also stumbled across some spectacularly inspiring examples. The one I never met in person was Ajahn Chah. But I have been in the presence of his statue which contains some of his relics and it felt like I was in the same room as him. But then people like him are a kind of one-off. Very very unusual human beings in every respect. I tend to believe they are born that way, but who Knows. I'm in no position to tell because of my inability to understand these things.

I'd better get going otherwise I'll be late. But basically I owe my life to the kindness of people who, on the face of it knew me the least, but in reality knew me better than all the other people who I'd spent most of my lifetime with. What I mean it is not be number of conversations you have with somebody that determines how well they know you. It's got nothing to do with that. It's absolutely about their capacity to understand the human condition. If they have that in spades, then it's completely irrelevant how many conversations you have with them. Their capacity to understand is not dependent upon acquiring all the details of your history. They are amazing. I love Those people. Thank God they exist.

What I suppose I mean is that for some reason today I am very conscious of the wonderful human beings I have been lucky enough to learn from in AA and in my step 11 forays. Not only did I meet some amazing people, but I was lucky enough to be willing to learn from their example at the time, which is something I can't say the same about others who were there the time, who have gone down a different road entirely since then. I am completely baffled why some longtime sober people have chosen what I consider to be thoroughly compromised, empty and unsatisfying, and ultimately damaging lives. Who knows. I couldn't stand it myself. It would be unbearable, unless I had the ability to not care, or not feel anything.

It's none of my business, and I'll just have to leave it at that. Instead of focusing on people who haven't 'got what I want', I need to focus on creating the fellowship I crave, which means focusing on finding the people I think I can help the most and investing my mental energies in them, so that in years to come there will be nicer old-timers around than there are at present. Even the dodgiest old-timer has something good to offer if they go through the basics with a newcomer, but I'd like AA to be a better place than that. I have no idea whether or not it will make any difference but there's no harm in trying. That's all I can do.

Anyway, have a ! lovely Sunday. It's gorgeous over here :) Warm and lovely..

Never ceases to amaze me how great meetings are

2010-06-08T11:12:00.002+01:00

I am so accustomed to being able to choose from hundreds of meetings within easy reach, that I completely forget sometimes how lucky I am. It’s not something that really makes sense to people unless they have actually been to meetings, but basically I have an extraordinary range of scope in terms of the type of people that I get to speak to on a daily basis. I can very easily completely forget that this is not normal for most people. I’ve been living like this for over 20 years or so, so I forget all the time that this is not the norm.
Anyway, I went to a meeting that I normally can’t get to because it clashes with something else but I have enjoyed going to in the past, and I was wildly impressed at what a great meeting it was. For me, AA is ‘the pub with no beer.’ It’s like a David Lynch movie sober. Reminds me of Twin Peaks. Some amazing characters.
I LOVE that nobody knows how great AA meetings are except the people that actually go. I like that it’s a unique subculture with a genuine democracy, accessibility, and authenticity unlike any other social sphere I have encountered. And remains completely free as well. Amazing in this day and age.

Perhaps it’s really different out there in the sticks? but I have a feeling it is ? might be pretty similar. I used to drink in fairly remote places compared to where I am now, and it didn’t seem to matter where I was, because I always ended up hanging out with pretty !! colourful people, no matter how conservative or parochial the neighborhood was. I think alcoholics must have an affinity for seeking out the nonconformists. Who knows. But all I know is that I am extraordinarily fortunate to have seemingly limitless access to fascinating people who feel like long-lost friends even when I’ve never met them before, at my fingertips, any day of the week should I feel like dipping my toe into AA. It’s like this ? magic multiplying address book of connections, that never seems to stop getting bigger. Just when you think you’ve met more people than you’ll ever (!) have time to speak to, you meet some more ‘long lost friends’ who are actually strangers.
All this would be completely unsatisfying if there was not a meaningful and authentic connection with these people, but to me they feel like family. All of them. I really don’t understand ? why it works like that, but I just know it DOES, and I consider myself extremely fortunate to have this. No matter where I am in the world there will always be people within easy reach who feel !!! utterly familiar, even when I’ve never seen them before in my life. My family is huge. Well that’s what it feels like anyway.

None of this will make any sense to you if you never really got into the swing is going to meetings, like most things in AA it only makes sense once you actually DO it. Until then ..it sounds like hokey :)

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think

2010-06-01T09:29:00.005+01:00

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think.
I just thought I would mention this as it's been on my mind lately.

If I feel as though my mind is being drawn towards some sort of drama, some sort of resistance, some sort of inclination to get caught up in a ‘fight’, I remind myself of this motto. It is very anti-drama. It is very hard to hold onto drama when I remind myself of this motto. It gets me out of polar thinking. Black-and-white thinking. Us and them thinking.

All drama is bullshit really, but we fall for it every time. Just the ego desperately looking for a hook. Anything to create division, get us back up on the moral hilltop, and create a separate sense of self.
I think a lot of the time I kind of feel my way to the right answer. Meaning if I feel peaceful and reconciled. If I have stopped fighting, then I know I am doing something right.

And if I am still at war with something, even if it is merely some internal surge toward ‘contending’ against something, (even when I have said nothing), as far as I am concerned, I am full of crap. A little harsh you might think, but to me resentment is poison, and when I feel it internally, it feels like poison. It feels wrong. Like strange tiny green ivy tendrils encircling my veins and arteries and weaving its way through my body in ever-increasing quantities. An energetic poison. I feel embarrassed and stupid.* Like being stuck with spinach on your teeth at a party. Like farting in an elevator. I find resentment socially embarrassing, even when I’m alone in my own company.
*When I say stupid I mean that familiar Step one feeling of being caught with your pants down. Knowing you’ve been rumbled. It’s very humbling. It feels foolish but in a good way.

Resentment feels wrong even when on the surface it’s something that could be easily justified. Wanting revenge against a paedophile for instance. Wanting to punish an ‘evildoer’. It’s all the same in the end. Just another justified resentment. Baseless. A fiction to prop up the ego.

But basically, I really love this motto when I’m feeling ‘drama’. What I mean is when I am making a problem out of something, as thats when I feel like there is a drama. It seems to stop the drama in its tracks. It goes against my innate pre-programming toward drama and that’s why I like it. I believe it to be true. It’s like cool water. I want to keep it close in my mind when thing seem tough. It’s like a friend.

Hope you’re all having a lovely Tuesday. I’m still up to my eyes in papers and books. Physically and mentally tired. I still have plenty of inner rebellion against study, so am trying very hard to do the next right thing, which in this case involves looking at the next page, a paragraph at a time if necessary. Bleh. I find it interesting that the material I am studying is so universally disliked by other students, (apparently, but who knows if they are telling the truth) even the ones that gave me the impression that they were into it. It seems very difficult so I just have to plough through it. I’m very much in the just for today card ‘do something for 24hrs that would appal you if you thought you had to keep it up for a lifetime’ territory :)

No Sympathy and lots of questions: A flawless demonstration of how we might Sponsor others by Phillip Hodson

2010-05-02T08:49:00.008+01:00

Phillip Hodson is a famous UK psychotherapist who amongst other things, spent many years advising complex mental health issues over the course of phoneins to prime UK radio stations many years ago. As far as I know he neither does phone ins, or even practices as a therapist anymore. He may have retired apart from media and writing projects.
Anyway. Back in the day, people would call in regularly who had been sexually abused, raped, had other !! hugely embarrassing personal issues, or delicate and complex mental health issues, and without fail he managed to consistently provide excellent therapeutic advice to callers, IN AN INCREDIBLY SHORT TIMEFRAME. Hugely !! impressive. I find this style of engagement and delivery !!!! particularly impressive and effective, which is why I mention it here.

A link to his archive audio clips of advice during phone in radio shows is here.

One thing that is noticeable about the way in which he deals with callers, is that (in my interpretation anyway) his communication is devoid of even the slightest flicker of sympathy. ..What I think of as a 'poor you' response.
Unless you have heard an extremely competent person give advice very accurately, it is hard to see how you can give advice without resorting to sympathy at some point. His example illustrates perfectly how if you are very competent, and address the issue accurately, and maintain a common sense and evenhanded, upbeat, measured response, that that approach is infinitely preferable to a "poor you" attitude from the advice giver. Which in my opinion reinforces the concept of victimhood on the person to whom you are talking, so can do more harm.

As with most things, this is better understood by listening to his archive sample phonecalls on this site, than to my explanation, which I doubt does it justice.
But having listened to how effectively he addresses these issues a lot in the past when he used to host regular radio phone-in slots, I have strived to emulate his style in so far as I refuse to give in to the temptation to veer off into "poor you" territory. Having listened to people like Philip, I understood that sympathy may in fact be very detrimental to people who are vulnerable and on the brink of falling apart emotionally. So providing a consistent evenhanded response is often far more settling, and reassuring to the person disclosing their personal issues.
So basically I think Philip is a !!!!! ]fantastic example of how to sponsor people effectively over the phone. Well in my opinion anyway. It is conclusive proof that it need not take much time to get to the point of even a !! very complex issue, and also that sympathy is redundant in many cases, even the most heartbreaking abuse histories.

I just thought I would share that as a reference, as I have always held Phillip's phone skills in high regard, and I had no idea that he had these audio clips online. I only just recently found them so I thought I would mention them here.
I might add, that what I admire here is his skilfulness, and not necessarily the context of therapy per se. I admire skilfulness in all its manifestations, and he is a very atypical psychotherapist who has in my opinion, acquired a ! very high level of skill, which is why he interests me.
I'm not sure how his delivery might be interpreted by people in the US, but I know that in the UK he is an extremely respected professional, and considered generally to be a wise human being with a high level of skill regardless of his paper qualifications as a therapist.

So what I'm saying is, if you SOUND like Philip when you talk to Sponsees, (provided you are reasonably accurately providing !!!!! relevant AA feedback), then in my opinion you have acquired a !! very high level of skill in regards to sponsoring people.
I'm not saying I think you ought to be able to KNOW all the things that he knows is a psychotherapist. (!) What I mean is that putting aside the qualifications of psychotherapist, and just focusing on the WAY in which he listens and talks to people, a HUGE amount can be learned.
For instance, he will frequently interrupt to ask questions in order to clarify things. There are some people in AA that would accuse you of being disinterested or that you weren't listening, if you did that, but again this example illustrates ! perfectly that in order to be competent very often you DO have to interrupt and ask questions in order to get the point quickly. Basically he has a very interventionist style, as opposed to just 'listening'. I have always preferred a highly interventionist style, I understand that this is not normally what people do in AA, because people often feel that their job is a sponsor is to merely listen. But examples like Philip Hodson demonstrate how effective an questioning, interventionist approach is.
Basically a lot of what he does are things which could be levelled as criticisms by (in my opinion) people who don't understand the most effective means of sponsoring people. Because his advice was on a radio show, he worked under !!!!! intense time pressure, and sponsoring is a uniquely difficult task for precisely the same reason. There is a huge amount of time pressure because sponsoring is done on on TOP of full-time work commitments and social obligations. We are not therapists who have !!! hours to spare to book people in, we are people who work full-time who therefore want to get to the point very !!!! quickly, to get to the issue quickly, and so this particular model of advice giving has !!! great uses regarding how to sponsor people, in my opinion anyway. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way he speaks to people. Pure class. Really ! impressive skillfulness.

He is a great example of the maxim 'Sober not Somber' and 'we absolutely insist on enjoying life'. He does not allow himself to get dragged down to the despairing level of the caller. His energy does not become murky or entangled in the mire of the caller. He maintains a positive, proactive, outlook, and is one of a very rare breed who is intelligent enough to have learned how to make just about everything they know sound incredibly understandable and simple. Only very clever people who know their subject can do that. He's spot on. In my opinion. My aim would be to be as impartial and engaged without getting energetically murky, as he is, so that I can be as efficient at helping others as he is able to be. Why? Because I want to at least TRY to be of Maximum helpfulness. I am very grateful for his inspiring example provided on endless !! radio phone-ins years ago.

So there you go :) Better be off and get on with Sunday. Hope yours is a good one.

Some great quotes..

2010-04-17T10:30:00.003+01:00

Some great quotes that Ajahn Brahm makes quite often.. I loved some of these so I thought I would share them. He has the standard 'This too will pass', but I include it just to demonstrate the similarities between what he is talking about and AA I suppose. I love step 11 practitioners. Well not ALL of them, but I occasionally am very inspired by them. Some of these are gems. I love em :)
btw Ajahn Brahm has loads of talks on youtube on the BuddhistSocietyWA's Channel if you ? like that kind of thing. I find them very helpful for getting a good nights sleep during exams :)
Anyway, Hope you are having a volcanic dust-free weekend :) Meanwhile here's the quotes:

Whatever you think it's going to be..
It will always be something different.

"Never allow your knowledge to stand in the way of truth."

"The secret to life is... Everything is out of control"

"Pushing the wheelbarrow is easy, its the thinking about it that is hard"

"Suffering is asking from the world what it can never give you"

"The door of my heart will always be open to you, no matter what you did, who you are."

We should always be grateful for the faults in our partner because if they didn't have those faults from the start, they would have been able to marry someone much better than us.

How many times should you forgive someone? Always "one more time."

There is no right or wrong decision, only a decision with consequences

"What is the Law of Khamma in short? You get everything you deserve."

"This is good enough"

"A Busy person is not someone who has lots to do...Busy person is someone who does too many things at the same time"

"The purpose of life is finding the purpose of life"

Anger comes from frustrated plans..

Less expectations..Less Anger...

"When you expect less you can appreciate more"

What's the challenge in loving someone who's perfect?

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

"Teach your child two things - teach him to be honest and to question."

"Complaining is finding faults, wisdom is finding solutions"

Better to Light a Candle than Complain about the Darkness

"It's very compelling, very attractive to have a big daddy in the sky or a big mummy in the sky who will actually make sure that everything is okay for you and will make sure that all your problems disappear... BUT, you know, we're grown up now."

"When the stock market goes down, spiritual values go up."

Buddhist aircon: When it's cold outside, keep a warm heart. When it's warm outside, keep a cool head.

"Don't allow others to control your Happiness"

This too will pass.

Wings of desire: What it must be like to listen in to the thoughts of others

2010-04-09T09:17:00.005+01:00

Wings of desire is a lovely film about 'Angels that walk the earth'. I am not saying it reflects reality in exactly the way I see it, but I like the insight into the private thoughts of passers-by in this film. I know that the longer I am sober and the more successfully I am able to communicate with others, that lots of things become apparent that were not apparent before. I feel I can read between the lines. I believe I can see where people are coming from much better than before. Even when they insist on chattering aimlessly about nothing in particular. I think we are very fortunate to get this ability to connect better with our fellow human beings as a by-product of recovery.
This film reminds me of how it feels to be around people who give the impression that they can see right through people. In a good way :) Another version of the same film is City of Angels. Both films have their moments. This film makes me wonder what my perception of humans would be if I could listen in to the thoughts and feelings of others. I like to think that I would feel nothing but compassion for the human condition if I could see that much. It would be a very humbling insight into our shared condition.

What's great about this film is that it is an intimate and vulnerable portrait of the inner landscape. Of the private thoughts people think nobody else knows about. In the course of various Step 11 experiences I have been lucky enough to be around people who made me feel completely transparent because they had such a high level of insight. At first I found it very embarrassing. It feels as though one has no mental or emotional privacy. These people gave me the impression that they can see right through me. So there was no point in trying to disguise anything I was thinking or feeling. (Whether they could or couldn't was by the by, the effect it had on me was what got my attention.)
This is part of the reason I recommend going on step 11 retreats so highly. Because it exposes you to people with a sufficiently high level of insight to completely see through your BS. And like I say, it first it seems uncomfortable, then very !!!! humbling. I suppose I really like it now. I prefer having no place to hide. But it's a very !! good way to get in touch with your humility. :)

I am much more aware of my petty internal responses to things than I was before. I didn't used to notice it nearly so much, but being around people who saw through my ? BS made me notice lots of slightly dodgy thoughts rumbling around in the background that I hadn't picked up on before. Plus lots of crazy rationalizations that I didn't even notice I had. Oh well. The unflattering thoughts don't go away, but I feel significantly more reconciled with my humanity. I feel very lucky to have had this experience.
It taught me a huge respect for logical questioning of what I am thinking. In the past I used to think that I needed to "understand". Now I just think I have to NOTICE things instead of letting them pass me by. I find that when I try to 'understand' things, my mind is invariably drawn towards the things I WANT to think about, (ie ego-massaging BS) as opposed to the things I SHOULD be looking at. (ie ego-puncturing observations)

The process started in AA. And continues because people always reflect something back to me that I hadn't seen before or hadn't noticed. Always some sort of new ? 'wake up call'. So I always end up coming face-to-face with something that reflected back that I wasn't expecting. It just seems to be more and more ego-puncturing experiences. Brings me face to face with the inner surges of the 'fight-to-the-death' ego. It would be so !!! lovely to have no ego. It encourages me to see some people manage to have made quite a bit of headway in that direction. Thank god it is not a lost cause :)
I find egolessness an incredibly beautiful characteristic in a person. I hope to be able to emulate some of the egoless people I have been lucky enough to meet sometime. There would be no 'self-will' left to break. Nothing between me and the ability to harmonize with others.

14 years Sober. Relapse. Dead within a week.

2010-04-06T16:13:00.006+01:00

Went to a meeting where a local guy shared that someone he knew from way back, (and had always spoken to fairly regularly), relapsed after 14 years and was dead within a week.
I didn't get the chance to find out if it's somebody I know, but I suspect it isn't, but you never know. It was a very sobering indictment of the importance of remaining vigilant / fit spiritual condition, and continuing to be willing to go to any lengths in order to face up to one's weaknesses and destructive habitual tendencies on a daily basis. It was very sad.
Another lady in the meeting discovered she had a serious cancer diagnosis in the previous week, which brings up to 3 the number of people who I have recently run into, who are undergoing tests of some sort for various cancer scares.
Nobody said life ever stopped happening when you get sober. It absolutely doesn't. None of us know what is round the corner.

I was very moved by the opportunity to be in the presence of people with real problems, and it felt precious having the opportunity to sit in a room with people who feel they have the permission to talk about these things freely, and share their burden.
I feel sorry for people who say they don't want to go to AA meetings anymore. I love going to them, and I love the opportunities for service that they provide. Each meeting shows me something about myself and about my attitudes to my fellow man, and allows me to stop and consider how I am responding to people places and things, and that insight is invaluable. I love being part of the tide of humanity.
It doesn't matter how long I've been around. I'm always touched and moved by being part of a group of alcoholics doing their lousy best to get well.

Online Privacy: I don't recommend Facebook to anyone. Delete as much as possible.

2010-04-05T09:54:00.013+01:00

Having heard about some recent development in Google indexing, I decided to e-mail some people who I thought might have their online privacy compromised by their activity on Facebook. I had a look at the laughably titled "privacy policy" and the equally disturbing "statements of rights and responsibilities". I was so disturbed by the information I collected that I immediately e-mailed quite a few people who I thought might want to delete as much written or posted data from Facebook as possible.

The reason I thought I would mention this here, was because us alcoholics have the 'gift of the gab' as we like to say in Ireland. The upshot is that due to the years of talking very ! frankly in AA meetings, means we've become very verbally expressive and we are excellent communicators. This is ! fantastic when it comes to certain professions such as becoming a salesperson or becoming a competent board member who can express themselves well in group situations. But this has a down side in relation to things like Facebook. In my opinion anyway. This verbal dexterity can !! absolutely backfire on AA members if they are not careful. As while the rest of the population keeps schtum and says virtually nothing, apart from the occasional ? dodgy photo that gets posted after a drunken party, AAs are FAR more likely to say just about ? whatever they are thinking.
Also if there are any who have decided not to be anonymous AA members on facebook, the new indexing may have blown their anonymity permanently if they (even once) referred to their AA membership on a FB 'page' using their real name.

None of this would matter if the privacy rights of Facebook users were better. Unfortunately in my opinion they are ! DIRE.
A development in February 2010 exposed every written word on anything other than a persons "wall" to Google indexing. This appears to have been done without notifying Facebook users, as I can see no reference to this in the recent amendments to the privacy policy which attracted a lot of press attention due to the potential abuses of privacy rights.
The upshot is that unless you really !!! really want to leave a permanent Google trail linked to your name of everything you've ever posted on Facebook, do one of two things. Either confine what you write exclusively to people's walls, as opposed to pages.
Or else delete as much material linked to your name as possible and use Facebook in its most minimal sense.

Re PAGES. This is any group or fan page or ? anything other than a 'Wall'
If by ? any chance you have written anything on a FB page on Facebook, Delete it. As soon as possible. Why? Because all this material is being archived (as we speak) on Google next to your name and you will not be able to delete it at a later point. Meaning a Google search will reveal this material next to your name eventually. The sooner you delete this material the better. The process has been underway since February 2010 so the process is not yet complete. There is still time to delete comments before they are cached permanently.
Re WALLS
Unless you are certain that the person's Wall you are writing on has VERY restrictive privacy settings, do not write anything on it. Email them instead. Same reason as above.
Re Writers who use Facebook
There are serious IP issues regarding anything you write as effectively you lose your intellectual property rights as soon as you say anything on Facebook. Although ownership doesn't pass to FB, Facebook acquires a licence to use the information whenever they like, which amounts to the same thing. So if you're planning on writing a novel or poetry or ?anything, be aware that you are granting a licence to Facebook any time you write that material on Facebook.
Photographs on Facebook
Precisely the same rules apply to photographs and pictures or videos. Any material you upload to Facebook, automatically grants Facebook permission in the form of an unlimited licence to use that material.
In an ideal world, the best thing would be to delete your FB account altogether.

So I hope perhaps I've given you an idea of why I don't recommend Facebook to !!! anyone, and I suggest that anybody who has a Facebook account, delete as !!! much material as they !!! possibly can. The priority regarding deletion is any written material on pages, and 'walls' without restrictive privacy settings. Because these are the pages that are now indexed by Google as of 25th February 2010. Now that I've looked at the terms and conditions, I find Facebook very sinister and unpleasant. I cannot recommend strongly enough, that the less written, picture, or any other interaction with the FB institution the better.
Perhaps privacy is a lost cause, but I really dislike infringements into privacy, so I have a ! very strong personal dislike for surreptitious invasions into personal material by institutions. The same google indexing concerns extend to twitter, myspace etc, but I thought I would mention FB first as it gets by FAR the most use. So apply the same reasoning to other online activity where your identity is revealed.

Generally speaking. I would say ALWAYS opt out of online databases OF ANY KIND, such as the heavily criticized UK healthcare database they are trying to set up for Londoners at present, and re social networking, delete as MUCH as possible. Ideally delete the social networking account altogether. Same goes for invitations to participate in DNA databases. Or any optional database really.
Oh yes, For the attention of those in the Greater London area ONLY. You have until 11th June to submit an Opt Out form to your GP in order to NOT have all your personal information including mobile phone number, address etc left on a laughably insecure UK government database called the SUMMARY CARE RECORD. If any of you are lucky enough to know anyone who works in computer security, ask them what they think. I have yet to meet one who is comfortable with this kind of online security. But each to their own. Thats just what I've discovered by asking around, and doing a little research. Whatever.

Right!! I should be !!! studying so, much as I would like to blather on about Facebook, and other dodgy databases I really should start organising my day.
I hope you managed not to eat your body weight in chocolate over Easter. Not an easy task! I am considering whether to go for a much longer than average run in order to mitigate the damage incurred by overzealous cake consumption over Easter :) I need a cup of tea first though :) I hope you have a !!!! lovely Easter Monday :)

The hardest question is "What is the most helpful thing to do?"

2010-04-03T22:35:00.005+01:00

"Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough" p97 AA Big Book
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others, so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful." p102 AA Big Book
"Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs." p20 AA Big Book
“How can I best serve Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us CONSTANTLY" 'p85 AA Big Book

For a long time I have thought that the question "what is the MOST helpful thing to do?" Is THE most difficult question to answer. For me it is the most challenging question. It demands the highest levels of intelligence. It involves looking at the obvious and the intangible. And I don't think it can ever be fully understood. I just do my lousy best knowing that I will never see the whole picture. If I waited until I KNEW what was the 'right' thing to say to a newcomer, before I tried to help, I would STILL be waiting :) But having said that I paid VERY close attention to the way in which members of my home group (with a high long-term success rate of sponsee recovery) spoke to newcomers and sponsees. So I WAS doing my utmost to learn from the example of others.

MOST helpful as opposed to just 'helpful':
"sometimes the good is the enemy of the best" Tradition Two
"maximum helpfulness" p102 AA Big Book

Part of the reason I think we learn so much, and benefit so much from trying to help others via Step 12 is that we are confronted with this question every day if we are TRYing to 'give it away to keep it', or practice these principles in all our affairs. (Step 12 Big Book )
I agonise over this question. That doesn't mean I over-think the question. That means I am very concerned about how I answer that question.
Anyway I just thought I would mention that.
I believe step 12 offers us the steepest learning curve imaginable because it exposes us to this question constantly.
I also think I have benefited HUGELY from Step 12, and I believe it has healed me in all sorts of ways and provided me with great blessings. I cannot recommend it enough to anyone who is suffering.

My favourite old-timer used to quote "the greatest good for the greatest number." And I think he appeared to me to be living his life based on this principle.
The reason I drew the conclusion was because he was able to help a LOT of people because he chose to develop a way of carrying the message that was VERY efficient. The brevity and conciseness off his choice of words meant that he was able to help more people than less. And to this day I regularly meet people who might not be sober were not for his intervention, either directly, or as a result of the help offered by his sponsees or sponsees of his sponsees. So my limited understanding of what he contributed was that he was one of those members who "rendered prodigies of service." (From Step 12 in the 12x12).
Obviously that's just my perception and I could be wrong, but that's how it looked to me. And I find his example very helpful to this day when considering how to try (!) to be of maximum helpfulness to others.

I have a mini retreat to attend which involves a very early start tomorrow, so my brain will be getting both a workout and simultaneously a rest from it's perpetual restlessness which can only be a good thing :) Hope you all have a restful and peaceful Easter Sunday :)

Going beyond the 'rules': Being willing to relinquish all your fixed ideas and instead do what seems most helpful in any given situation

2010-03-24T13:03:00.014Z

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others. AA Big Book p102.
The good is the enemy of the best. AA 12x 12 Tradition 2.
People tend to flip-flop between extremes, and no two people are the same. The only thing that differs is the extent to which they have become unbalanced in any direction.
They might start off completely repressed and utterly unable to sit with difficult feelings without dashing off to buy something, or make themselves very busy, rush off into distracting activity, or start another project.
Then there are others who come in completely awash with overwhelming emotions that disable any attempt at regular living.

When I am trying to assess what is in others best interests I look at the circumstances they are dealing with and their capacity to patiently (as opposed to bitterly) endure suffering or lack of capacity to endure suffering
So lets say if somebody showed up ridiculously chirpy (and there's nothing inherently wrong with being ridiculously chirpy), but the way in which they were being ridiculously chirpy meant that they were unable to also be not chirpy when the situation demanded. Then I might tell them in their inflexibility could wreak havoc with their emotional well-being down the line.

Ultimately the goal is total flexibility. Or what AA calls ‘open-mindedness’. Meaning you do whatever works best in any given situation regardless of whether it ‘suits’ you or not. Regardless of whether it appeals to your current pet theories (what AA calls ‘fixed ideas’) or not.
That's why I like the statement in my introduction to my blog that says "I just try to do what works no matter what it is".
Another slogan I love is ‘more of what works and less of what doesn't’, because it bypasses any particular entrenched belief pattern and focuses instead on what is working in any given moment. Because what works this week might not work best for me next week. And if I am paying attention sufficiently to the results that I am getting from my attempts to make my life work, then I like to think I will notice when the method that worked fantastically last month, may no longer be serving my best interests this month.

The other mantra I like is "the rules are, there are no rules". It sounds like a recipe for a total anarchy but it isn't. A bad workman blames his tools. So if I were to meet somebody that used this ‘rule’ as an excuse to sabotage their life in a heedless and destructive manner, I would not find fault with the ‘rule’ but I would find great fault with the unskilful way that person decided to use it.

Another thing that I find interesting is that what looks like a purist ‘good’ rule can be ‘bad’, meaning it can be used in a way that creates massive suffering and destruction. And what looks like a ‘bad’ rule can be used in a way that's incredibly life enhancing and supportive.
I suppose what I'm saying is that it's not the rule that is ‘pure’ but instead it is the skilfulness which with which the rule is applied where the ‘purity’ exists. ..And that’s why when people stop thinking about how they are applying what they have learned to any given situation, and instead revert to default understandings they haven't really questioned in years, that problems develop.

The problem is that people aren't paying attention, or don't stop to think about why they are actually doing things the way they are doing them. It's very sad that most people are far too restless or busy to stop and think about what they are doing. So I consider myself extremely lucky to have been given the opportunity to learn from the example of those who have made it a habit to reflect upon their lives deeply, no matter how much they have learned so far. Only very arrogant people draw the mistaken assumption that because they worked hard and read a few self help/therapy/enlightenment books, that there is nothing left for them to learn. On the contrary there is an !!!! infinite amount to learn and we are all a work in progress. Don't ever make the mistake that you think you know what you're talking about, because you probably don't. If you can tolerate the insecurity of knowing that you will never really know the whole picture, then you can relax. It doesn't have to be a big deal that none of us know the answers to the intangible. We can live our lives very comfortably resolved to the fact that we see through a glass darkly, and that's as good as it will ever get. The most important things in life are the things that are hardest to see with the naked eye. Which is frustrating until you become comfortable and better able to tolerate the insecurity of that reality.
So question everything. Try not to sleepwalk into a life of unquestioned mental/emotional habits. Become comfortable with the uncertainty. Its ok :). And tell the truth nomatter how unflattering and ego puncturing it is.

And if any of what I have said makes you realise how easy it is to become unstuck using these so-called spiritual principles, well take heed. That's what sponsors are for. If you are a new person, trust me, it's ! very easy to misinterpret these guidelines and use them in ways which ruin your well-being. So please try to find a guide to help you implement the tools that AA offers. And please do your due diligence on the person you are considering asking to be your sponsor. Learn as much as you can from the examples in AA because you can learn from anyone, not just your sponsor. An old timer used to say "A wise person learns from his own mistakes, a smart person learns from other people's". So you can learn from !! everyone in AA.

oh yes, and here's a quote I heard today which I really love.
Saying 'Yes' to life is real renunciation. ~Pema Chodron~

Right: well I'm going to do some work now.. a strong cup of coffee will do the trick I think.
I hope Wednesday is treating you well :)

There is quite possibly nothing as unattractive as desperation

2010-03-15T09:25:00.005Z

"He clamors for this or that, claiming he cannot master alcohol until his material needs are cared for. Nonsense. Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God.
Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone". (p98, AA Big Book)

I spoke to a very new and very desperate newcomer quite recently. She is a very extreme example of a codependent. I'm not sure if codependent is the correct word, but I do know that she could not imagine life without any romantic relationship. Basically she has a chronic dependency upon the presence of a romantic relationship, without which she can see no purpose in life or any meaningful existence.
She sounded extremely troubled and extremely desperate. I have to say I don't meet very many women who are as openly desperate and openly dependent as this one. Most are afraid to admit that they are chronically dependent on even the most unsatisfactory relationships.

There are so many different types of alcoholics that come to AA. Some appear reasonably happy on the surface but have absolutely no control over how much they drink, and come to a because they've tried everything else and nothing works. Others come in emotionally and mentally frazzled, full of hate, and extremely nilhistuc. What I mean is that some are in the advanced stages of the physical progression only, yet not very far advanced in the mental and emotional progression of the illness. And then others are very advanced mentally and emotionally, yet not very far progressed in terms of their physical compulsion. The ones that are consumed with resentment are more testing to talk to for any length of time, but I remember vividly being consumed with contempt in my early days, so I suppose I don't take it personally. Having said that, it surprises me how unashamed women are in expressing their hatred so openly, as if completely guiltless about their unabashed contempt. Times have changed perhaps, or else different cultures are more accepting of admissions of contempt.

I was reflecting on our conversation after we had spoken, and I was very grateful for her example of chronic dependency. In Buddhism they refer to the 'grasping mind', or the 'hungry ghost', representing an appetite incapable of being satisfied. Although I do not suffer from anything like her extreme levels of chronic dependency, I am only free of my dependency to the extent that I am able to see my own irrational clinging to people places and things, (various conditions) in a deluded attempt to pin reality down to a controllable form.
Because I am powerless over people places and things, this attempt to control people and places and things leads only to suffering. I may not have become bitter and twisted or overtly dependent in a way that she expressed, but my own tendency toward dependency on people places and things will never leave me.

The very best I can hope for is to have sufficient self-awareness to see the deluded nature of my wish to have people places and things a 'certain (self-centred) way'. Eager to hold onto them, and make them "mine", or push them away so that they no longer have the opportunity to disturb me. Both attempts to control the uncontrollable are deluded and 'wrong'.
So her overt and theatrical display illuminated in stark relief the insanity of dependency in all its forms. Subtle and not so subtle. I could not have asked for a better lesson in the insanity of dependency. So for that I am grateful.
I hope she makes it. She's clearly very disturbed and so that reduces her chances quite considerably unless she is willing to follow suggestion. But sometimes it works the 'wrong' way round. Sometimes it is the most desperate people are the ones most likely to pick up the tools of recovery. You just never know.

On a happier note I met another very new woman whilst nipping out to the shops who gave the appearance of being the polar opposite of the chronically dependent woman. This woman appeared to be absolutely ready to forego the deluded belief that her wish to control her ex-partner was anything other than fruitless. She was ready to look for something else. I love the mosaic of personalities I meet in AA. They are endlessly varied and never dull.

On a completely different and lighter note, I had a much-needed pamper and feel much better for it. I had a day of rest despite feeling very restless which restored me physically, then caught up with skin, nails and hair treatments which may not have had much effect but make me feel slightly more human after a long spell of sleep deprivation. Ultimately the best thing for the body is not skin treatments but impeccable diet, lots of water and exercise which is a !! slightly harder remit to fulfil.
It's a gorgeous spring morning over here. Very very sunny and lots of birdsong. I hope you have a good Monday.

"If you look for certainty in that which is uncertain, you are bound to suffer" Ajahn Chah

Just a hello

2010-03-08T08:37:00.003Z

Anyway, I just thought I would say hello, as I've been off the radar for a while now with study.
I haven't had any exams for seven days, and since then I've been reviewing my study methods from the last semester, and thinking how I might apply what I've learned in the second half. I will find out if I passed at easter or something. Plus I've been taking a bit of a breather. I rested, went to a few meetings, caught up with a few friends. I still love going to meetings. They are the pub with no beer. I am incapable of getting bored with them.

I watched a few movies, and am quite excited to hear that the hurt locker with a female director has managed to get so many awards. I have been thinking about the influence of women's perspectives in the last six months or so, and was very interested to hear that his Holiness the Dalia Lama is very much in favour of women obtaining positions of authority in the West, because he considers that they are biologically more capable of compassion therefore it is in everyone's interests if they fulfil positions of authority. So I like that a woman's interpretation of war is elevated to centre stage, regardless of the precise message of the film. Having said that, I think Avatar (Male Director) had a great message. So who knows.

Meetings are unchanged. They are still full of newcomers. They are still full of people who have no ! idea how to put it into immediate practice the most basic aspects of the programme, such as picking up the phone every day to tell another person how they are feeling, and get feedback, or even just to pick up the phone before they pick up a drink. You just need to !! drum these things into them. Again and again. Until they realise that these habits have to become part of their daily life. Until they have reached a position of security and stability post-steps. All I can do is give them my phone number. I cannot force them to phone me.
I always like alcoholics. So its sad when they don't all pick up the tools and make use of them. But I take refuge in fact that I do not know who will get it and who will not get it. I try to keep an open mind.

Have got to rush today as meeting family in a hour so gotta go. Its a gorgeous, bright, chilly spring morning over here :)
Hope you have a ! great Monday, and thanks for all the !! LOVELY kind comments in response to my exam post. Very kind indeed, and much appreciated. :) I am as incapable of getting bored with kindness, as I am of getting bored of people or meetings :) So thank you :)

Scary study pressure till March and thanks for all the encouragement :)

2010-02-06T11:49:00.003Z

I am under a lot of pressure due to exams on 22nd 25th of Feb and 1st March and every act of kindness, however small, can move me to tears of gratitude and every carelessness or unkindness stemming from others unconsciousness can be a blow I feel absolutely. I am so grateful for all the kind things people have done for me or said to me in the past. It is at times like these when memories of all the nice things said and done are hugely significant. People wish me well, say encouraging things and genuinely try to be helpful, and that is the best thing in life I know. Kindness is a beautiful thing.
I have to exercise every day and eat really well to keep my emotions manageable when there is a seemingly impossible pile of work to do, because I am a lot more vulnerable and my emotions are much more readily available when the going gets tough, so to speak. I am much more affected by the actions of others when I am under pressure. I have to be strict to keep things from becoming overwhelming. The Taoist Arch comes in handy when it all seems a bit much. I have to be honest; I have to not eat sugar, bread, or pasta, (it makes me REALLY tired). I have to drink plenty of water. I have to try to be helpful when I get the chance. I have to restrain myself from saying irritable things if I am at the end of my tether. Or let someone know they have been cruel when they say something unkind to me. (It’s too emotionally draining to confront them about their ‘stuff’). I have to do things that stabilize my mood such as helping others in whatever limited way I can till things settle down. I have to maintain a good intention toward others, and try to use my life to be of service. I need to wear life like a loose garment, not take myself too seriously, and try to do the work ‘lightly’, as opposed to a heavy duty power drive, ? white knuckle act of will. I need to fit meetings in, but be disciplined to get straight back to work instead of chatting to everyone after the meeting. Not easy!

I am not afraid of drinking, but it is more an emotional ‘white water’ expedition lasting till March which I am required to manage. I have to do stuff every day to keep my balance and keep myself functioning well enough to get as much study as I can do each day till then. I cannot afford to get overwhelmed to exhausted to the extent that I am unable to study or take things in.
I think of all the other people that are going through the stress of these examinations, and I feel a sense of solidarity with them. I also think of the people who managed to do well, who found it difficult just like I do, but managed to figure it out and that helps.

Being a long time sober means although I feel the stress more readily, (I am not suppressing it or denying it) I am almost too good at being ‘comfortable’, and can end up not applying myself with the same urgency I used to when I was a drinker. I can be too ‘yeh whatever’ and not be galvanised. Exams on the other hand scare me to ! death so I find urgency then, (thank God) but urgency does not arise without a terrifying looming deadline. Another ‘disadvantage’ of being long time sober, is that nothing seems terribly obvious. I see exceptions everywhere, and that makes it hard (for me) to be simple and practical, and focus on a few relevant details. Perhaps I am making excuses here and am just not very good at this, but I am unable to tell objectively at this point.

I cannot really tell at this point whether I know enough to pass these or get a decent mark, but I do know that I am sure that the prospect of passing or getting a decent mark (never mind a distinction or whatever) seems hopeless EVERY year, so I hope that I am as wrong this year as I have been in previous years. But I am not kidding. This is not an easy year. Not for me anyway. Being submerged in a new and (relatively) much more competitive culture compared to last year has been difficult to study in. Some of the tutors seem downright fierce and dismissive. Survival of the fittest seems to be the attitude. And it is much more practical than the esoteric philosophical tangents I studied before. It does not help that I am nonconformist, and although cooperative, have no desire to tow the party line to score extra points, as this comes in very handy when you need feedback from the tutors. Basically I am useless at sucking up to tutors. Oh well. Perhaps I can apply these new approaches to the 2nd 6 months of the year. I hope so. I don’t want the 2nd set of exams to be as disturbing as these ones ☺
Basically it has been a very humbling six months. I have used private tutors in the past to help with exams, but I am not sure if that’s what I need this time. The hard thing this year is simply remembering the mass of data, and bringing the dry facts to life by imagining their significance in real life scenarios. Otherwise I can forget them very !!! quickly.

I also tend to study in too much detail and so waste time on details I will not need in the exam, because I cannot see the wood for the trees till AFTER I understand the thing. Others seem to be able to pick out the salient points from the mass of data more quickly, and think in much more practical terms.
It has been a very difficult 6 months in a lot of ways and there are another 6 months to go, so I hope this works out, as it is an expensive and necessary career step. But as this is only a stepping-stone, I do not mind that it is not to my liking as it does not dictate what I decide to do afterwards.
These academic challenges are strange rites of passage. They seem to push you beyond what you think your natural limits are, and from that point of view they are like going to ‘any lengths’, which I suppose can only be a good thing, even though it doesn’t !!!! feel like it at the time ☺

Well thanks for bothering to read that. I feel much better for writing it.
So anyway, I suppose what I am saying is thank you for all your kind words or thoughts of support, because I do appreciate them, and I think of the things people say and I feel a connection with those people in a way I cannot really explain. But for me these things are very meaningful, and for me kindness is the most valuable thing in life. So thank you, and I hope you are have a lovely weekend.

How I try not to be a control freak when I am attempting to help newcomers

2010-01-24T10:09:00.001Z

Once we relinquish the deluded craving to control others, we (paradoxically) become MUCH more able to engage in a significant way with that person.
It’s hard to relinquish the delusion of control when there is a possibility of death, but because it is so beneficial to the relationship with newcomers, we have a duty to, if we care about that person, and the time they have left with us.

I cannot help a newcomer unless I know they may die if they do not get well. nor can I help them if I am being a control freak. I have to be impartial. Unattached. Without agenda, for them to be able to listen to me. Otherwise I am wasting my time, and possibly speeding up their demise.

I can ‘feel’’ when things are not right. I can ‘feel’ when I am saying something that rankles that is not helping them. Sometimes it is good that they are rankled. Other times it is not. I tell the difference between the two by how it feels being in their presence, how the conversation feels and my intention to be of service.
Even when I am doing something ‘right’ I will get a short lived ‘toxic’ response from the newcomer as they ‘thrash around’ initially when faced with some inconvenient truth that narrows their options to seeking a spiritual solution. I cannot remember how long this period used to last when I first started doing it, but for the last few years I have noticed that if I persevere, the initial ‘fight’ can last as short as 2-3hrs. Sometimes 1-2. Very occasionally 45mins. What I mean is that rebellion of some sort is to be expected and do not take it personally. There are of course some who remain argumentative and complaining no matter what. They tend to be the more strident, confident, somewhat bullying-type personalities. Perhaps they have no desire to change? Perhaps there is just an entrenched habit of the mind to argue and criticise? Who knows. All I know some remain shirty and complaining for a long time. I don’t mind that they are like this, but it is not pleasant, and requires patience. They deserve help just like everyone else, but if I think I am not helping them I will back off, unless they are at real risk of drinking or feeling suicidal, and are too angry to ask for help in AA somewhere else.

It is possible to make very concrete suggestions with NO agenda to control. I am not required to be vague. All I do is give up the internal ‘fight’ to have things ‘go my way’. I act in full knowledge that the worst may occur and I may never get what I want, and I am resolved to accept that should it arise. I know that when I genuinely feel this way, that the other person knows this is my feeling, even if I never articulate it as such. Most communication is non-verbal, and people can tell if you are ‘on their case’ or not. Most of the time I am paying attention to how I feel about what is being said, more than the words themselves. Often I will feel initially attacked, when they start feeling antagonistic or derogatory toward me, but this is 90% of the time temporary, so experience has taught me not to take it personally. The better the communication feels, after the initial ‘hump’, the more I feel I am helping/getting through to them.

Otherwise it is perfectly natural for anger or resentment to crop up from time to time from people you help. As long as they have sufficient restraint to communicate it in a non-harmful way, this need not be an issue. Until then, you just have to be a bit patient, and do some damage limitation with their outbursts when they show up. I am able to be firm and draw a line if I am not offended or defensive (ie not resentful).

I do not apply this to people who’ve been in AA longer and are not at much risk of drinking at all. If they are sour, gossipy or critical of anyone, they are not people I befriend or hang around with in AA. I am very lucky to have many meetings to choose from so it is not very difficult to find people who have been sober for a while and do not bitch and moan about other AAs. There are some extraordinarily fair minded and balanced AAs in my locale, some with extremely impressive social skills, so I am very lucky. The cantankerous, complaining judgemental ones can be avoided fairly easily. AA will always be a big mixture of people so their will always be the snide passive-aggressives and the overt attackers in amongst the membership. As long as you spot it fairly quickly and move on, it doesn’t have to be an issue.

Phew. This Sunday seems very peaceful despite my too-full agenda, and I have a short stop at a beautiful ancient church here which I always like. I hope your heart is at rest this Sunday.

“Those who do not recover” p58, “fit spiritual condition” p85 and “spiritual status” p101

2010-01-21T10:57:00.028Z

Please bear with me while I roll out a few quotes before I get to the jist of this post ☺

“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.” (p58, AA Big Book)

“If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing.” (p70, AA Big Book)

“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.” (p85, AA Big Book)

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. (p101, AA Big Book)

if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. (p15, AA Big Book)
Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. (p20, AA Big Book)
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. (p97, AA Big Book)

Whew! Sorry for all those quotes, but I need them all to make this point unfortunately.. Thanks for bearing with me ☺ Here we go..

Please (!!!!!!) do not confuse ‘not drinking’, or being ‘dry’, with (what the big book calls) being ‘recovered’ (p xxiii, xv, xvii, 133, 132, 113, 90) or being in ‘fit spiritual condition’. (p85, AA Big Book)

Instead of asking yourself, “How long has that person been sober?”, ask yourself “What might that person’s spiritual status be?” or “Does that person look like they might be in fit spiritual condition” or “Does that person look, speak, or act, or describe their perceptions of life, like a person who has 'recovered'?”

All I know is that there are many very mentally unwell people in AA, and in my opinion it is foolish to equate length of sobriety with competence. If people are uptight, disparaging, grumpy, lifeless, dour, bitchy, intolerant, complaining, somber, humourless, irritable, restless control freaks, then I am not particularly impressed by what they have, no matter how long they are around.
It’s not really how long sober you are that matters, what matters is whether it looks as though you have ‘recovered’. I say ‘looks’ because unless you are a mind reader, you are required to refer to the experience of other people in AA in order to make use of the program, and in order to do that, you are required to identify people in AA who are examples of what the programme can achieve when used to good effect. Because you and I are incapable of reading minds we have to make estimates as to who is making good use of the programme, in order to obtain the help we need when seeking reliable advice and feedback about how to get well and stay well.

This is in regards to seeking reliable guidance and direction. This is not the same as learning from others. I can learn something from !!!! everybody, even if all I learn from them is patience because they are exasperating, or gratitude, because they are about to die of liver failure due to repeated relapses, or are serving a murder sentence for losing control in a blackout.

No. What I’m talking about here is seeking reliable direction and feedback about how to live well by applying the programme of recovery. For me I will obtain that from only the people who have ‘got what I want’. And in order to figure out who ??? those people are, I pay attention to their capacity to remain in ‘fit spiritual condition’ as described in the big book on page 85.

As the first 9 steps represent the recovery and steps 10, 11 and 12 represent the maintenance of recovery, this is where I have interpreted the point of recovery to be. (I am only passing on what old timers passed on to me regarding their interpretation of recovery btw). Also make note, I refer to what I am describing as an interpretation. Some people draw the conclusion that anyone who makes use of certain definitions must automatically have fixed views, (much like the fixed view that AA’s who rely on certain definitions are people who have fixed views. ☺), but that’s neither here nor there, I just mention that as this is a view I have observed many times in AA.

What the big book refers to as ‘recovered’ has a specific ‘look’ in the basic text. A description of how someone can look after completing the first nine steps is vividly illustrated in the chapter a promise to you on page 85 next to the explicit reference to being in fit spiritual condition.
Instead of getting hung up on the terms, as some people do, why not use this benchmark of ‘wellness’ in the basic text as a way of identifying those in the programme who are WELL (recovered, whatever you choose to call it) as opposed to DRY. Disregard the length of time sober. There are many dishonest people in AA and always have been, so when attempting to identify who might be in fit spiritual condition, for the purposes of seeking needed advice, use your common sense and do NOT assume that because someone is DRY that they are somehow ??? not at grave risk of drinking, killing themselves, killing other people, committing sex offences, or going insane. All these things ARE possible for those that ‘do not recover’ from the crippling illness of alcoholism. There are only TWO ways this disease can end up if untreated, insanity or death.
“The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.” (p30, AA Big Book)
Untreated alcoholism is not a pretty sight. In my opinion anyway.

Plus we occasionally have members who have very !!!! serious and dangerous mental illnesses, have had lobotomies, and all sorts. I have met just about every kind in AA meetings :) Yes including one who has had a lobotomy.. I have been lucky enough to witness first hand some very !!! mentally unwell people get well and lead positive and fulfilling lives, IF they completely give themselves to this simple program, so i know that the following quote is not wishful thinking.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.” (p58, AA Big Book)

Btw, People who have long periods of sobriety AND at the same time manage to stay in fairly fit spiritual condition DO manage to acquire skills and abilities over time which cannot be acquired in a short span of time, but because people are so different, and rates of improvement vary so wildly, again this cannot be relied upon as a hard and fast guide. So ultimately common sense must prevail when trying to figure these things out.

So yeah, just thought I would mention that, for what its worth as it was on my mind lately. If any of that makes sense to you, great, if not, that’s fine too as it is a very long time since I deluded myself into thinking all members of AA might agree with me all the time. They don’t. ☺ And I believe wholeheartedly that this is as normal in AA, as it is in every other walk of life. There is no need for me to make it into a problem. Choice of terminology is not an issue for me as I look for similarities not differences, which means that I identify with pretty much everybody, which might sound confusing, but in practice is anything but.
Whatever. I’m just digressing now. Too long as usual. ☺ I have lots of !! difficult things to do so I’d better get on with them ☺
Have a fabulous Thursday, and I hope life is treating you well.

Big Book Search Engine

You are Lovable

2009-12-30T19:28:00.008Z

It might take a while, but eventually you will realize that you are actually alright, a lovable human being, ..and it will be utterly !! heartbreaking to see all the wasted years that you thought you ought to hate/diminish yourself for all your 'wrongs'.
If you think you feel sad now, just wait! ..this will wound you to your very centre. But in a good way. Each time we get a bit better, we grieve for the wasted days, months, decades, when we were 'blind and could not see' and thought it was acceptable to loathe ourselves and our weaknesses.
It ? might be a long time coming, but it will show up eventually..
The sooner you 'get' this, the less time you will squander. -As a fully lived life is impossible if you believe deep down that you deserve to be hated, even if only by yourself.
(I prefer the word hate to the word resentment btw, I see them as interchangeable in case you are wondering..)

If you hate your ‘character defects’, or castigate yourself for having them, reading about the Shadow may help.
Understanding the Shadow is a great way to embrace ones ‘wrongs’ wholeheartedly, without following them heedlessly. It is very respectful toward the presence of destructive impulses, yet accepts them as part of ones humanity.

Have a fabulous Wednesday :) Gosh where did the year go?..

Peace on earth. Good will to all men

2009-12-27T11:50:00.004Z

As a belated Christmas present to you I include a poem that I think is really ! beautiful to share with you, and a very short youTube link I particularly like.
Be Happy by H.E. Situ Rinpoche

The best scholar is the one who realises the meaning of non-self
The best practitioner is one who has tamed their own mind
The best quality is a great desire to benefit others
The best instruction is to always watch the mind
The best remedy is to know that nothing has any inherent reality
The best way of life is one that does not fit with worldly ways
The best accomplishment is a steady lessening of negative emotions
The best sign is a steady decrease of desires
The best generosity is non-attachment
The best discipline is a peaceful mind
The best patience is to take the lowest place
The best diligence is to give up activities
The best concentration is to not alter the mind
The best wisdom is not to grasp at anything at all

Atisha: 982–1054ce
The Indian scholar from the university of Vikramashila who spent the last ten years of his life in Tibet, where his teachings emphasized the basic practices of taking refuge and training the mind in love & compassion.

We are lucky. There are some ! beautiful souls on the planet to help show us how to live well. Their gentleness, kindness and skilfulness is a blessing to the world. I am grateful for them and the work they are doing on our behalf.

Anyway..Hello there :), I have had !! waaaaay too may things to do so just haven't dared distract myself by posting.. This was the first thing that sprung to mind about the christmas ? 'whatever it is'..‘

Very often I just want to be alone because I find other people's presence needy and draining. Christmas can be a very difficult period for a lot of people, they have high expectations, they feel ambivalent or conflicted about having to spend time with family members they haven't seen for some time, there are lots of social pressures to conform to, financial pressures of one sort or another due to the expectation that people are supposed to buy gifts for one another. Generally I find that people are not at their best at Christmas, it is a time when people feel ‘not that great’. So by and large unless I have a very good reason to be anywhere around christmas, I prefer to avoid it. I would rather be around people when they are feeling a little bit more positive. There is a lot of loneliness and old grief floating around at Christmas. A lot of people who have to go without. Old people who don't get to see relatives. The old wounds come back to haunt people at Christmas and New Year. That's probably where the xmas tradition of getting drunk comes from. If we weren't all such idealists and accepted life on life’s terms, then there would be no emotional wounds to attend to. Unfortunately most people aren't that self-aware, so habitually and unconsciously fall into idealism and wishful thinking and its consequent misery, or drunkenness and heedlessness. So avoiding unnecessary social gatherings becomes more appealing during Christmas and New Year for that particular reason.

The most popular time for people to go on retreat is Christmas and New Year, and I can see why that is the case. They sell out the fastest and are almost impossible to get places on. Rampant commercialism, overeating, frenzied social ritual, and the obligation to spend time with people they don't really like, or who get drunk and are antisocial, it's a lot of palaver. But if you have kids, well that's another thing. You have obligations that cannot be avoided.

AA is full of people who want to drink over Christmas, so the obligation to take care of people in need is much higher than at other times of the year. Quite a demanding service obligation but yes, very satisfying. There are some very nice Buddhist rituals of the New Year. One consists of an evening of chanting ending at midnight on New Year's Eve blessing all in attendance. I have been to those in the past and found them incredibly satisfying. Parties have their place too, but I can only do them in moderation, because if I do them too much I find them wearisome and sad. To be honest the only time I feel truly comfortable in the company I am keeping, is when I am around people who are utterly reconciled to the cracks in their psyche, the contradictions, irrationality and unreasonable drives that compel them to act in ways that utterly oppose their deepest wishes. Basically people who are by and large accepting of theirs and others humanity. There are people who fit that description who are members of AA and other 12 step organisations, but I also meet people who fit that description in Buddhist communities and similar mind body spirit groups, so they are a welcome refuge also. People like this are my true refuge. Perhaps not them as such, but what they are doing. It shows me the way out, so to speak. The Buddhists would call it the way out of samsara. AA's would call it the way out of "restless irritable and discontent".

So yes, the upshot is that I had a very peaceful and unencumbered Christmas which even by my standards was quiet. I feel better for it, and that's what's important. I suppose what I was having was a retreat at home, instead of at a retreat centre. I have for a good few months been in close proximity to a small group of students who by and large are stressed, irritable, anxious, frightened, socially awkward, and this has taken its toll, so avoiding social obligations has been valuable recharging time.

I have also rediscovered the joys of having a personal trainer. My old personal trainer nonetheless. So I'm very happy to be back at the gym doing a 'proper' workout to increase muscle mass. I'm no good at organising my workouts so I need someone else to give me workout schedules. I tend to be a bit adrift left to my own devices in the gym, so I am very lucky to have such a good trainer close by. It's so much easier to maintain gym attendance when somebody is monitoring your progress. I'm very comfortable with a personal trainer-type relationship. I ! love being pushed to do uncomfortable demanding routines. I love it. I don't want people to go easy on me. I find it condescending and irritating. Plus I love people who KNOW what they are talking about telling me what to do. I love being the student instead of the teacher for a change. It's like a holiday.

Anyway, I hope you find the courage to practice “to thine own self be true" over the period of Christmas and the New Year, in ? whatever form that takes, ..rather than get swept along by the tide of habit and social pressure.
(By the way that's not an excuse to be defiant just for the sake of it :) What I am talking about here, is a very skilful application of the principle "to thine own self be true". Not a blank cheque to retaliate or punish by being defiant.) Right well, I'd better be off :)

Peace on earth. Good will to all men ..as they say.

I find that Senior Step 11 practitioners seem to mirror exactly what it says in the Big Book

2009-11-16T08:25:00.005Z

I thought I would share with you my most recent inspiration. I manage to find a new one fairly regularly these days. I found this video on the Internet, whilst looking for something else, and I really liked the way she spoke to the group. I suppose if you have experienced bossy women this might not seem so appealing, but I particularly liked her no fuss approach.

At about 27 minutes in, she describes how you don't need to give up all your worldly possessions and live a simple life in order to be a 'spiritual' person. This is in response to a question by a man in the audience who says "if people places and things cannot make people happy, then what is the point of trying to acquire them?" Her response is that you can have your cake and eat it. Meaning it's not the people places and things that you have to get rid of, but your attitude towards the people places and things that is the problem. This reminds me of the phrase used to describe AA which is altered attitudes.

The next question at about 28 minutes in is about how to tell the difference between the unavoidable pain of real suffering and the avoidable pain of real suffering. She describes how she witnessed the Dalai Lama weep upon talking about his deceased mother, but that it was the expectation that the person place or thing would remain indefinitely that was the source of the problem, not the loss of the cherished people, place or thing in itself.

This is the same way that I was taught to analyse resentments in step four. If I felt aggrieved because a person place or thing had not done what I thought it ought to have done. - Such as a friend rejecting me, losing your job and not getting what I wanted basically. My step four consisted of three columns, and in my third column this type of resentment would have included self-centredness. Wanting things to go "my Way".

My analysis of this type of resentment was that there was an expectation that things would go my way, and this led to huge disappointment when things rarely did. - Because everything is completely beyond my control, people places and things cannot be relied upon to give me what I think I need. They will continue to live according to their own will, and to the extent that I am self-centred in my attitude towards people places and things (whom I have no control over), is the extent to which I will be frustrated and disappointed and aggrieved at the outcome, as it can only ever do what it was going to do anyway, regardless of what I think I want them to do.

In another question she talks about the difference between self-centred and a self forgetting attitude in response to difficult circumstances. In AA we hear the slogan that we ought to treat every problem as an opportunity to demonstrate God's will in all our activities.
Her way of describing the distinction is, you either think "what a terrible person that is, how dare they do that", or else you stop and ask yourself "What can I do about that?" which I interpret as being the same question as "how can I help?", or "how can I be of service in this situation?"

In AA we are told that helping others is the foundation of our recovery, and that we are no longer be running the show, and that in response to difficult circumstances we are to say to ourselves "this is a sick man, how my May I be helpful?" This seems to exactly mirror her response here.

So basically I found many parallels between what AA tells us we should do, and her very authoritative and thorough experience about how she is able to be ‘happy joyous and free’ under all circumstances. I'm always very inspired when I see parallels between senior spiritual practitioners and the things I have learned in AA. This has happened many, many times. I have lost count of how often I hear basic AA suggestions from very senior step 11 practitioners. The more step 11 I do the more I have learned to appreciate what AA taught me, because it has shown me how rarefied and impressive the tenets of AA are.

There is a lot more in the talk that I am not going to go into more detail, as this post will just get too long. No change there!
Anyway I'm going to head off to the gym now, because I have a busy day and I need to stay comfortable and not get stressed out by many things I have to do.
So I hope you all have a lovely Monday and I'm sure I will be reading your blogs in the near future :)

What is unreasonable?: The more polite you are, the more you second-guess yourself

2009-10-17T09:41:00.015+01:00

I spoke to a woman less than five years sober recently about difficulties she was having a relationship. I would not describe her as a shy person, but to some degree she suffers from (what I call) spinelessness and lack of confidence in standing up to unreasonable behaviour. I do not think this is because she is a spineless person, I think this is because she doubts herself, in that she is not sure whether or not she is justified in rejecting unreasonable behaviour. I think this is because she questions herself constantly. This is because she is so incredibly polite. It is part of her nature to think extremely carefully about what she says in case it causes offence. This makes her very pleasant company and very polite company. I think she is afraid of labelling another person's behaviour untoward, for fear of appearing Draconian or rigid. She is so busy minding her p’s and q's and terrified of appearing domineering and unfair. This approach is like a ball and chain around her feet when asserting her preferences in a relationship.
When I meet people like this I label this behaviour "Catholic guilt". I don't know if it is Catholic guilt or not, as it's just a label I use so that people see this pattern when it repeats itself more clearly. Normally when people present themselves in this way,

racked with self-doubt whilst unwittingly permitting (or enabling) unacceptable behaviour,

the first thing I say to them is something like "That's Catholic guilt". Along with some comment to the effect that as far as I know they are not catholic etc, so why are they suffering from Catholic guilt? I probably know some Catholics but their religion is irrelevant as so many people suffer from this particular trait.

When I meet somebody who has difficulty assessing another person's behaviour as unreasonable, because they are essentially a "nice" person. I start questioning them along the lines of

'If the roles were reversed, would YOU behave the way this person is treating you?' ..If not, why not?

So for instance if the other person is being very demanding, and the doormatty/polite person is doubting themselves and making excuses for their friend/partner, I just say to them something like "well so and so, if the circumstances were different and you were in the position you find your partner in, would YOU act in this particular way? For instance "would you be demanding and needy at unreasonable moments?" Meaning would YOU behave the way your partner/friend is behaving? If not why not?
The person I am talking to invariably looks back at me with complete shock, because it would never ! occur to them to behave in such a manner. And in that time, it becomes clear to them that they have been making excuses for their partner, for something they would never !! dream of doing themselves, because this type of behavior would be completely out of character for them.
This type of analysis, only really works with the type of woman who is polite, reasonable, and quite generous, as these are the types that are more likely to be bullied and dominated by friends and partners. This reasoning would not apply to a person who was a bully himself or herself.

I identify much more closely with women who are bullied than with women who bully, as this tends to be what happens to people who are reasonable. I find that the more unreactive I am, that the safer others feel in presenting their irrational emotional states. So sometimes people ‘blow a gasket" simply because they know they can, and that I will not retaliate or punish. This unfortunately is the burden of being reasonable under emotional pressure. The nicer you are, the more people feel they can say pretty much whatever they like to you. This means that I have to be prepared to enforce my boundaries at any time. Thankfully I have learned how to do this over the years, so I am not so easily hijacked. Occasionally I get a unexpected rapidfire attack from out of nowhere, which if peculiarly unpleasant leaves me feeling quite unpleasant until I recover. But other than that people do not get much of a chance to treat me unfairly or cruelly for very long, because I do not let them.

Anyway I have a rather ! tedious shopping trip to get done before I make my way to a meeting that serves coffee after which I think is the part of the meeting I like best. Anyway have a lovely Saturday :) I hope to achieve as much as I can today, as I am catching up with loose ends regarding chores at home that have taken a back seat since study consumed most of what was left ! of my free time.

By the way, PG made a comment about speed reading in relation to reading my post. I know !! exactly how she feels :) It is precisely because of this that I invested in a acereader pro software. I think it costs about $20 or something. That means I can read online material by cutting and pasting into the software at a rate of about 1000 words a minute. Basically I really like this piece of software and it helps me to read a lot of the blogs that I do, even if I don't manage to comment on on them as much as I would like. So that's my speed reading tip for the day. Have a lovely weekend! ☺

The ‘anti-something’ brigade: AA Politics, and people who rant generally..

2009-10-15T16:00:00.006+01:00

Sorry for the long post but I decided to use my old dictation software instead of typing.. ☺

I recently had the misfortune to bump into a very new and very ! angry member of AA. He was about three months sober, I think he had relapsed regularly before. He said he had been feeling suicidal, and generally was not having a great deal of success with the AA program. My first impression of him was that he was incredibly angry and restless simultaneously, and that these two things in combination may very well be major contributors to his reasons for relapsing previously. I did not ask as to the circumstances of his last relapse, but I have to admit that I find those stories very interesting, because they reinforce, or educate me as to why people relapse. As it happens I didn't get the opportunity to discuss this with him in more detail because he proceeded to talk ‘at’ me in machine-gun style delivery about why he thought certain meetings were ‘wrong’.

Just so you know, I gave up on the whole notion of (what I call) ‘politics’ a very long time ago. Perhaps politics is the wrong word. When I say politics, what I'm referring to is criticism, moral superiority and backbiting from certain AA members who feel it is their ? moral duty to take AA individuals or groups inventory. Perhaps as a means of ? declaring their own self-righteousness?, or identifying (what they see as) an undesirable trait, they believe they have a moral duty to be angry, indignant, contemptuous or self-righteous about? Their anger justifies trumping the AA tenets of both ‘Live and let Live’ and the principle of Unity. I assume they feel justified in breaking with these AA suggestions due to what they see as a ‘wrong’ way of practicing the AA programme. I see this as going against the tradition that each group is autonomous. But hey. They seem to be ! blissfully unaware of these things..

Even before I came to AA, I was never terribly attracted to people who were easily preoccupied with criticising others. Nor did I surround myself with friends who took pleasure in running other people down. I have never liked ridicule, even in its most watered-down forms. This is unchanged since I came to AA. I am as an interested in slagging off ‘people places and things’ as I was long before I came to AA. So if you're looking for a ? fight, or an argument, or to prove some ? theoretical point, or prove (!) how ‘wrong’ another person, or group is, I am afraid you have come to the wrong place. ☺

It is hard for me to appreciate what pleasure is derived from this activity. I have simply never wanted to do it or enjoyed doing it. I suppose when I was drinking I enjoyed being a nonconformist, and was accustomed to receiving criticism for looking nonconformist back in the day. I had always thought of myself as a bit of an ‘artist’ and so I hung around with other artists and people on the fringes of society. Perhaps now they might be seen as quite ordinary, but back then they were thought of as a bit 'out there'. They were certainly people who ! looked as though they were living on the fringes of society! In truth I had a wide range of friends from both wealthier and slum-type homes, but I was very drawn to the people who looked as though they did not fit, and who were thought of as slightly odd. Personally, I didn't find them odd at all. It was people who looked ‘normal’ that gave me the creeps or were harder to figure out.
So back in my drinking days, I thought it was incredibly shortsighted to judge people based on looks, or immediate impressions, without knowing more about their lives. I suppose what I mean is that there are two sides to every story, so I do think there is a little bit more to it than first meets the eye. So when certain people were judgemental or scathing or made assumptions about me, I just thought they were terribly unintelligent and unobservant and not nearly curious enough about these people they were putting down.

I can only guess as to why they do it, as I have not found myself doing the same, so I have ? no idea why people get so much pleasure from slagging off other people. I just don't know why people do it. I'm ? guessing there is some self-righteous satisfaction derived from declaring one's superiority at the expense of another person's. I think it's more likely that they are unaware of their superiority and self-righteousness in such moments and that's why they are carried by a wave of resentment justified by what looks like a very self-righteous motive, which blinds them to the uselessness of their anger. Gawd knows. I think most that are regularly hijacked by their anger do not ‘see’ their anger very clearly at !! all.

Don't get me wrong, I get irritated just like everybody else, but I don't ! believe my anger. Nor would I follow heedlessly the inclination to take another persons inventory or talk to them as though there was a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ position, where I held the ‘right’ position they held the ‘wrong’ position. I just don't think life is that simple, nor is life that rigid. In some cases it is possible to be very definite but usually only about the most basic elements of the programme. For instance it is generally a good idea to try and get enough sleep, to try to talk to people and eat fairly regularly in the first 90 days. Hanging around in bars isn't generally a good idea in the first 90 days. You know, stuff like that.

This guy was a sort of real-life ‘troll’. Spouting vitriol of an anti-? Something nature. I think I will have to call these people be anti-something brigade. In cyberspace we call these people trolls. But there is no ? equivalent word for a person who behaves this way in real life. So I am going to call them the anti-something brigade.

Not that it matters, but the upshot of the story is, I felt sorry for him, because there was a strong possibility that the anger he was feeling might make him drink again. So instead of ignoring him, and ending the conversation, I think I managed to succeed in showing him how this anger was ultimately unkind and inconsiderate, and that there might be an alternative interpretation rendering his perception merely relative as opposed to an absolute truth. Basically, when I left him he did not look like he was frothing at the mouth, which he did ! look like when I first started talking to him. But I have to say it was a very unpleasant conversation, and not one I particularly want to repeat regularly.
Thankfully it is very uncommon for me to be on the receiving end of bile and resentment in such large quantities. People are not usually that angry. But this guy was.
In the course of the conversation he told me that his sponsor condoned his resentment towards certain AA members and groups. I may ask his sponsor what he makes of this, and see whether there is any truth in this. As I know his sponsor, and I haven't got the impression that his sponsor thinks it's okay to hate! certain meetings or people. But who knows? I could be wrong. I'm sure if I ask I will find out…

What I'm trying to say is that life is too !!!! short to spend your time wasting your valuable mental and emotional energy is pitting yourself against a battle you cannot win. That battle being the imperfections of people places and things. And even if you DO identify a cruel and unpleasant trait in another person or another group, you are sure to find something very similar inhabiting your own consciousness, so there is no !!! moral victory. Besides, it looks terribly ! unattractive to be pre-occupied with ‘anti-something’ thoughts. You look like a ranting person. Frothing around the mouth. It doesn't look good.
Whatever. The bottom line is that I am powerless over AA members who choose to ‘contend against’ or hate each other and gossip and badmouth each other. There will always be people in AA who do this, and I will always find them terribly ! unattractive. They will not be my buddies in AA. They will not be the people I spent time with in AA. And I will never be able to stop it occurring. Basically AA has always been full of very resentful people, so it's hardly surprising that it attracts people who rant or like to prove themselves ‘right’ in some way or form. But there you go. Nothing I can do about it. I will help the occasional newcomer who looks like they are about to drink because of it, but other than that I won't be hanging around those people for very long.
God knows we all get annoyed with AA, and AA members, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t! But when this is ‘acted out’, manifesting outwardly as behaviour such as overt ? slagging off, attacking, criticising, publicly running down, bitching or badmouthing, well that’s another thing altogether. Well I think so anyway.
I choose NOT to contend with the ‘world’ a day at a time. Or to make a problem out of things, despite encountering those practicing the opposite very ! regularly.
Hey ho. Well it’s a gorgeous day over here so I’m going to go out run to the shops in the sun to pick up a few things.. See you all later..

Motive: It's not what you say. It's where you're coming from.

2009-10-07T20:57:00.006+01:00

Hello there. Thanks for your kind comments and well wishes re study grief :) I feel a LOT !! less stressed about my crazy ol study schedule as I think I have FINALLY stumbled across a method of processing the workflow that matches the content and requirements. Phew. A method that seems to work :)
Takes me a while but I figure it out in the end. Now all I need to do is apply the strategy to all the work I have bumbled around doing so far.. Oh well. Better late than never. I had a nice little routine worked out last year which matched the requirements very nicely, but this material is much more scattered and hard to keep track of. I use my computer a LOT when I study so nearly all my work is done reading on the puter. Very little actual reading of Books. But hey. There you go. There is some catching up to do which is a bit scary, but I hope I can catch up fairly easily.

Anyway. About the heading. "It's not what you say. It's where you're coming from"

I really think that it doesn't really matter what you say, but it matters MUCH more WHY you are saying it.
Ie. What is your MOTIVE for saying that?
Ie. What is your MOTIVE for doing that?
I have found that IF YOU MEAN WELL AND YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A SINCERE DESIRE TO HELP,

"he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful"
(p18, AA Big Book)

as opposed to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED about 'what's in it for me?' when you are engaging with others, that life is INFINITELY simpler. You can make stupid errors of judgment and get it wrong, and others sense that its 'ok' because your heart is in the right place.
That's not a license to be kack-handed and heedless BTW. No. what I mean is your inevitable errors will not be taken badly by the other. But if you are just too lazy to pay attention to what you are saying, then I'm not sure this will get you off the hook :)

Btw when I say " your heart is in the right place." I mean there is NO ATTACHMENT TO ANY OUTCOME. Or as the buddhists would say .'No clinging'
Ie
you are not being a control freak
you are not trying to score points
you are not trying to wangle a friendship
you are not trying to be 'a better aa member'
you are not trying to become enlightened
you are not trying to 'do good'
you are not trying to 'get rid of your anger'

No. you are just doing what you do (being kind or nice to people) BECAUSE THAT S WHAT YOU DO. Because experience has shown you that it fosters wholesome mind states which make it easier to approach the problems life throws at you with equanimity. Or as the aa's call it 'acceptance'.

So you see. Theres no self centred/ self obsessed motive for being NICE
You just do it because the book tells you you should, and experience suggests that this approach helps you practice the principles in all your affairs.

So. Next time you hate someone
Are pissed off with someone
Are jealous of someone
Are really irritated by someone
Feel contempt for someone
Secretly hate that persons mannerisms. Or their laugh.
Hate the way they speak
Feel repulsed by them
Feel outraged by how un-spiritual' they are
Get hugely irritated by how drippy and overly-spiritual they are
Hate them because of the WRONG way they are working their programme..

Stop trying to be nice, because it doesn't work. They can tell you hate them. Really.
So go away and really ask yourself
WHAT IS MY MOTIVE FOR TALKING TO THIS PERSON?
AM I TRYING TO HELP?
WHAT EXACTLY AM I TRYING TO ACHIEVE BY TALKING TO THEM?

BE HONEST
You cant bullshit a bullshitter.

Don't think they don't know you hate em. They do.
So you would do more good if you go away and try to speak to them later WHEN YOU HAVE CALMED DOWN AND YOU ARE COMING FROM A BETTER PLACE.
Don't just say nice stuff through gritted teeth. Trust me, they KNOW how you feel.

Al I know is that my life turns to CRAP if my motive is OFF
So I check my motive if I think I am on thin ice, or coming up to a difficult bend in the road.
My motive is my protection. Provided I am willing to pay attention and go to any lengths to practice these principles in all my affairs.

That's why the first 100 members whisper in your ear on page 102..
“Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.”
(p102, AA Big Book)

See? WILL, not might. There's a BIG difference.
Its never !!!! let me down yet. Nor other old timers I knew from waaaay back when I was new.
My fave old timer used to say (bless im)

"Feeling without action is sentimentality
Action without feeling is an empty gesture"

"Service is gratitude in Action"

So yeah. Get yourself a REALLY NICE motive, and let that motive 'abide' in you when you connect with those difficult people. REALLY hang on to the motive. Nomatter HOW much they annoy you. :)

And sit back and watch the miracles happen :) hehe
Trust me. ITS ALL ABOUT THE MOTIVE
A self centered motive turns your world to CRAP
A SELF FORGETTING motive makes the world a magical place, nomatter what is happening.

So yeah. That's my experience anyway. So go out there motive-shopping and find yourself a shiny new one to practice on your guinea-pig friends. :)

BTW this is a very PRIVATE exercise
NOBODY REALLY knows what your motive is except YOU
It is INVISIBLE to the naked eye
It will NOT be evidenced by certain words or actions
It is INSIDE
It is about WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM
Its about WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL INSIDE. Do you wish them well? Do you want them to find their still centre while the world spins? Do you want them to understand that they are LOVED? That they are OK? Do you want their suffering to end? Can you empathise with their excuses and habitual negativity? Do you want them to die sober? ..thankful of the connections they made while they were alive?
THESE are the thoughts I cultivate when I want to engender a good motive.

And that's why it is such a PRIVATE and INTERIOR matter
You are looking at your INTERIOR LANDSCAPE. Nothing more.
Not really at the words
Not really at the actions. Although that doesn't mean 'be heedless'
Just keep the PRIMARY focus on WHERE YOU ARE INSIDE
Contempt? Bitterness? Tightness? Irritabilty? Jugement?
Or A SINCERE DESIRE TO HELP

"he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful"
(p18, AA Big Book)

Focus just on the interior landscape. Do you mean well? Or are you trying to punish with indifference or in a passive aggressive way by sounding like you don't really care? 'yeh whatevea'

So go on. Give it a whirl and tell me what happens :)
The tricky bit is 'holding your centre' when buffeted by outward 'unpleasant' words or behaviors.
Another nice thing is that THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS HOW PROFICIENT YOU ARE AT THIS IS !!! YOU
This is a much more PRIVATE and UNKNOWN aspect of service than making the tea' or 'setting up the meeting' (Not that there's anything wrong with making the tea..)
I like it because it is 'secret' and only I !!! know when I am doing it hehe
Plus I love watching the effect it has on people :)

So there you go. Try it. I love it. You will LOVE the effects :( its very cool. In my opinion. Plus the first 100 member seems to rate the idea too ;) and they have yet to give me a bum steer :)
Right well Im off to do some study prep. Have yourselves a fabulous Wednesday :)

FadeText: Put your favorite slogans into a screensaver on your desktop (Macs only)

2009-10-06T12:07:00.003+01:00

This is for Macs only I'm afraid, but its freeware and I'm sure there is a PC software that does the same thing.
I found this. I love slogans but forget them easily so like to be reminded. This screensaver (if you have a Mac) is freeware, so no cost which is nice :)

Its called fadetext and you can download it from here..

Anyway hope you all are well and dealing elegantly with all the very un-elegant (!!) things that life has a habit of throwing at you :)
I'm up to my EARS in a new year of study. Different from last year. HARD!! I am in the process of figuring out how to ?? keep up with the relentless !! pile of new stuff. :)
So yeah, that's what I'm up to. Hence the silence online. When I have !!!! tons of stuff to do I don't want to go to many meetings because I feel I never have enough time to study, but I just end up getting stressed and not actually being very productive because I can't settle on any one thing. So its swings and roundabouts. The hardest thing about study is not getting freaked out by it. The subject itself isnt so bad, but the mind games are pretty relentless. It feels very overwhelming starting a pile of new material in a more demanding format.

Us AA's wear our hearts on our sleeve. We verbalize our anxieties and broadcast how difficult it seems, while most others keep all this to themselves so you get a lopsided view of how you are doing compared to everyone else. Its hard to get a handle on how you are doing in relation to everyone else and if I am doing enough.

I know enough to know that I always fear utter defeat and that this has proved to be baseless in the past, but each time it feels the same no matter how many times I get it right. My brain is hardwired to anticipate failure. I'm not sure there is a cure for this as no amount of reassurance from others or previous success seems to make any difference. Other old-timers with TONS of success have told me they feel the same..
I just have to keep on keepin on and not listen to what my head tells me, or mistake my fears and anxieties for any kind of reality, present or future.

Ie FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS

Whatever. Another ! roller-coaster of a year begins. !!!! Thank god I know enough to not listen to my head!
I seem to swing between fear that makes me very restless and concentration difficult, and complacency!! I would like to inhabit the middle ground, but until that happens, I will have to just not listen to what my head tells me :)

I have been watching videos of Ajahn Chah on Utube
to help chill me out a bit :) What a cool guy :) He looks GREAT in Videos. So free. So unfettered. There is no 'burden'. He is full of joy. Thank god for these living examples as otherwise I would have no clue ! what I was trying to achieve.. Step 11 always points me in the right direction. It gives me an example of the things I learned about in AA. Here Ajahn Chah shows me what 'happy joyous and free' looks like. This is useful as there are not nearly enough examples in the world to learn this from. BTW the video called The Buddha Comes to Sussex - Part 1 and 2 is very cool. I love monks and nuns :)

Here's a quote
Venerable Ajahn Chah "The mind of one who practises doesn't run away anywhere, it stays right there. Good, evil, happiness and unhappiness, right and wrong arise, and he knows them all. The meditator simply knows them, they don't enter his mind. That is, he has no clinging. He is simply the experiencer." - Ajahn Chah

Anyway thanks for listening and hope you have a great Tuesday :)

When everything is going wrong

2009-08-21T08:14:00.006+01:00

There is so much drama accompanying this recession. Work, health. You name it.

I was listening to this talk called Fearless Mountain on the way home yesterday, and it is PERFECT for these recession-hit times. Amaro talks about how to accept when things fall apart, go completely wrong. He explains it so well, I really 'got it' about how the 'imperfect' IS 'perfect' just as it is. Was very refreshing. So I just thought I would mention it.
Have to head off to work, so have yourselves a ! fabulous day, even if it is riddled with events that fall short of your expectations.
Perhaps I have very low expectations?, or I have high levels of acceptance?. Either way, i tend to take all the chaos with a pinch of salt. But then I have newcomers to thank for that, as they bestow the gift of perspective (!) on my predisposition toward negativity. Gawd knows. All I know is that I find it all a bit of a laugh. Could be the running, newcomers, Amaro or service. i don't know. but it is a great privilege to feel good when so many others at work are suffering with various insecurities. Bless em.
Right I'm off.

Fearless Mountain
June 6th, 2006
Ajahn Amaro

PS. Even better! ..my wizard new diet software tells me I am a half stone lighter, so I am very happy with my ? 20 dollar investment :)

60 hour work weeks and waaay too much to do :)

2009-08-10T08:05:00.009+01:00

This so called restful summer has turned into quite an eventful and full-up one! Trouble !! at work, unscheduled revision to remind myself of what I have learned and forgotten!, applications that would always involve a very high rate of rejection are even more so! Thankfully I have met enough people who are a lot more experienced than me in these matters to help me figure these things out. (BTW they are 'A power greater than me' in that regard.) I still find I meet MANY 'Powers greater than me' every day. Thank God.

I have been putting in a lot of hours for the last ? 6 weeks or so, and there isn't much let up. And I have been going to more meetings to reduce stress. Plus I discovered two !!!!! great pieces of diet software which means I am losing the weight I gained while spending too much time sitting reading books instead of charging about as usual. I LOVE watching the graph nosedive over the weeks :)
And I've got a whole ! pile of new stuff to do in Sept. It never ends!
so basically my life contains all the stuff that many other people are going through at the moment. Staff reductions at work, job insecurity, trying to steer into more secure jobs, and dealing with the additional demands that creates, such as learning new skills and the extra curricular study, applications, rejections and everything else :)
I am very grateful for AA at times like these, and the newcomers. It really is the pub with no beer :) It makes this demanding period much more manageable.
I better go off and make some lists! That and a good strong mug of tea!

I have a busy day in front of me :)
Have a lovely Monday!

Sexual misconduct: Sexual inappropriateness is par for the course

2009-07-26T12:02:00.007+01:00

Fortnum and Mason Window display, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Sexual misconduct: Sexual inappropriateness is par for the course
At work
With friends
At meetings
Online
With Sponsees
Wherever

Sexual inappropriateness is par for the course and is actually quite normal if you know what I mean. Meaning I am not very surprised when I see it. I see no reason to make a big deal of it. Its human nature after all. What did you expect? Even KIDS can be inadvertently sexually inappropriate for gods sakes. Part of being a good parent is learning how to skillfully manage misplaced sexual behavior in children. Eg That some nudity or inadvertently sexual behaviors are best reserved for the privacy of ones room, as opposed to ! mealtimes. Or whatever. I'm sure you know what I mean. (Not bizarre overly sexual actions as a result of sexual abuse, just boundaries relating to nudity and physicality that kids are not aware of.)

Certainly with AA's they are very often off kilter with regard to their sexual instincts, because they are by and large compulsive creatures and so tend to keep going back to destructive behaviors again and again, thinking 'this time it will be different'. Of course this is delusional. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The area of sexual behaviors is no different. This is why SLAA is full of people who are unable to rein in their compulsive sexual acting out (affairs, casual sex etc) despite recurring damaging effects such as Hepatitis or whatever, losing significant relationships, to name but a few.

In AA this inappropriateness can take many forms. At its most extreme this will involve rape of a newcomer woman by a longer time sober AA member posing as a trusted ally to the new female.

Less extreme, a 'consensual' sexual affair with a very vulnerable new woman by a longer time sober AA member who sees the affair in an utterly different light later in recovery. This is what we call 'thirteen stepping'.

Less extreme. Sexual irresponsibility between those that are not new but are just plain compulsive. That would involve affairs and betrayal of their significant others, possibly disease and unwanted pregnancy to boot.

Next: the openly verbalized sexualization of friendship by one person which is out of step with the sexual intentions of the other. Ie one is reading this as a sexualized friendship, and the other isn't.

I am afraid to say I have heard of all these scenarios.

And last but not least, This one is not a problem as such, but one I prefer to not have to deal with. This is the NON-verbalized sexualisation of friendship by one person which is out of step with the sexual intentions of the other. Ie one is reading this as a sexualized friendship, and the other isnt.
This is very common and arises as a by product of friendships. If I find the other persons sexual interest ? 'slimy' for want of a better word, I will not make time for that person even if their words and actions contain no openly culpable act of Sexual inappropriateness. They are not at 'fault', as such. Its just I find their company a bit 'slimy', and their reasons for wanting to maintain the friendship somewhat hypocritical. Ie they have an undisclosed or unacknowledged sexual interest which is not mentioned. This is 'their stuff', and is no big deal, its just I prefer not to be around it unless I have to. To some degree there will always be sexual tension in friendships, so to bar all such interactions would mean you avoided just about everyone! We all have sexual instincts, so it is entirely a personal matter at which point one decides the EXTENT of non-verbalized sexual attention one feels comfortable with. I can find sexual interest a bit intrusive. ? Or something. I don't really analyze it. I just do what is comfortable for me.
Disclosed sexual interest is not 'slimy' in that it is open and guiltless, but I would avoid that one too as I prefer not to be pestered by inappropriate requests.
BTW having spent at least 3yrs up to my neck in study, work and other commitments, that does not mean that when I have no free time, that the cause is this! The longer you are sober the more protective you get of your free time, and I am no different. So don't assume that my absence means there is a sexual subtext behind it all :)

So there you go. The whole bandwidth of sexual ? weirdness. The stuff people try to avoid anyway...
Just get used to the idea that most are very disappointing when it comes to the way in which they manage their closest relationships with respect to their sexual instincts, and you will not be too far off. :)
Sorry to puncture your idealism of AA and human nature generally, but there you have it. Who said human nature was flattering? It isnt! Its very ego puncturing. And it stays that way no matter how long sober you are. The skill is in how you manage it, so that you do not harm others. Until you do step 8 it is hard to grasp what harming others means to any great extent.

And no, not that it matters, but I have not been involved with an AA member. Ever. The ones that appeared on my 'radar' always looked a bit too ? Crazy to me. Probably because they were. Bless em. Besides, I much prefer non alcoholics. Who knows? Perhaps I will meet an AA I feel inclined to become involved with? ..but as yet that has not happened. Not even when I was very, ! very new. Non alcoholics always seem much more appealing. Certainly a LOT more sane by comparison. To me anyway. Plus I have heard many ! horror stories of AA relationships. Far !!! more than I would have liked to..
PS This does NOT mean that I think all non-alcoholics are incapable of having mental problems. Of !! course they can. One has to use ones common sense in these matters.

Oh yes and don't assume that you have the moral high ground if you have managed to avoid various affairs, diseases and ! whatever. It is just as morally culpable to be repressed as is it is to indulge destructive behaviors. Sexual repression can be just as destructive in the long term. So no cozy moral hilltop to view this sorry mess from I'm afraid :)

Right well I'm off. I have scary written submissions to do!!
Have a fabulous Sunday. It is gorgeous over here thank god :)

Criticism and Hostility: Whose Feedback do I pay CLOSE !! attention to?

2009-07-03T11:00:00.008+01:00

FaintOrbsJuly09, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I read about some nasty feedback someone received, started a reply, which ended up so long I though I may as well do a post. :) Here it is.

If people 'do not have what I want' I consider their feedback (good, bad or indifferent) worthless. The blind cannot see. Why credit them with insight and wisdom if their vitriol and hostility communicates VERY clearly that they have NONE. ..Well none at that moment anyway. They are merely held hostage by the transient tide of resentment sweeping over them. We all suffer from this condition to SOME extent, so the comparison is always RELATIVE. Not 'he is BAD, and I am GOOD, ..type thing. That is just BS and an lame excuse to not PAY ATTENTION to what is REALLY happening.

We are by and large very similar. In terms of the component aspects within us. How we end up depends on WHAT WE FOCUS ON. Not whether we are 'good' or 'bad' people. But yes. Someone who habitually focuses on REVENGE, POWER DRIVEN ARGUMENT, self righteousness etc etc may eventually act in criminally violent ways. But it is their BEHAVIOUR that is 'wrong', not THEM as such.
Hate the sin not the sinner, as they say

This is why I am such a strong advocate of RESTRAINT OF TONGUE AND PEN
PRECISELY because we are ALL capable of great cruelty with words.

The people who behave in a HOSTILE way, or SPEAK in a cruel manner, are telling you EIGHT things about themselves VERY !!! CLEARLY.
Why? Because actions speak MUCH LOUDER than words. Every time.

They are telling you:
1
That they have ZERO self restraint. And probably have a pretty low level of restraint UNDER EMOTIONAL PRESSURE generally. Not !!! Nice people to be around when things do NOT go their way!!

2
That they are NOT WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS to 'Practice these principles in all their affairs.'

3
That they are INCAPABLE of being OPEN MINDED

4
That they have very poor levels of WILL POWER

5
That they are VERY INCONSIDERATE because they either:
Do TOO LITTLE service work,
Or the 'service work' they do contains significant SELF SERVING or EGO MASSAGING habitual tendencies. Therefore CANNOT deliver what the big book promises IF CONDUCTED IN THE MANNER SUGGESTED in the big book.

6
They really do not understand what 'acting out' means."

7
They PROBABLY have done a pretty shoddy step 8. Ie not even remotely ! thorough.

8
They are not very good at recognizing or dealing with their resentment. This is either because the step 4 method they used was ineffective, OR they used an effective method but have stopped maintaining it by using step 10, allowing the resentment to build up to dangerous and antisocial levels.

Right well I have a ton of stuff to do so I am OFF. Have a LOVELY weekend :)

Orbs heading for the church bell tower at midnight

2009-06-27T21:39:00.009+01:00

If you do a google image search for Orbs, you will see lots of images just like this. White round things. Some big some small. They are actually rather common and show up in photos. I was randomly photographing a church while on my way through town and a load of them showed up on my pictures. I can never see them through the viewfinder, but become visible when you see the pics properly later. Normally I don’t see them in pics I take. I’ve seen them show up on friend’s pictures. I don’t think they mean something ‘special’. I think they’re just random.
But anyway I was happy to catch some as I was making my way though town as I randomly stopped to photograph a church. I will have to go back and see if they show up at the same place every midnight. (!)
Spooky huh? Well not really. Well I don’t think so. I like them. I like having visual reminders of ? dimensions I am not able to see. I know loads of ‘stuff’ is out there but I can’t ! see it. ..I’m not sure I want to, to be honest ☺ My church pics are full of these blobs, all different sizes, but I included these ones as they were pretty dense.
It only occurred to me later that their movement is towards the bell tower which is about to strike midnight. The second picture was of a bigger one at the front of the church just as the clock bell tolled midnight. Cool.

I always say to Sponsees, ‘life gets a bit ..WEIRD (!) after step 9’, because it .!.does. But thankfully I am not scared by it. Instead I feel the old page 84 maxim..

“We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected.” (p84, AA Big Book)

..And for those of you that have not yet reached a point where you feel like that and are a bit freaked out by the pics..
“Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed.” (p102, AA Big Book)
Remember, Do good ‘stuff’ and good ‘stuff’ happens right ! back. Well that’s what I think..

I have a busy Sunday. One (apparently) very easy exam paper, another admission test paper to submit monday and a difficult 2000wd application form for monday. And its REALLY hot here.. I will just have to drink TONS of tea :)
Have a lovely Sunday !

Disappointing return to 'regular' meetings..

2009-06-23T09:35:00.003+01:00

LondonTreeJune09, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I thought I should write because I haven't for awhile.
I'm still supposed to be doing important paperwork due end of June and July, so I feel obligated with various fairly dreary and difficult tasks. They never really go away.
I haven't looked around much for new women to sponsor, but the few I did meet did not seem too interested. Either they have sponsors or they are giggling round the under 5yrs males in AA who look like AA has become a useful resource when it comes to picking up women. Whatever. I haven't bothered to find out one way or another, but as I hear of new women getting pregnant and seeking abortions, and worse.. I generally assume that 13th stepping is alive and well across most of AA.
I'm not much good with giggly women, it has to be said. Thankfully I know just enough women who have been around longer to not have to listen to it very much.
Its a bit depressing seeing the state of AA one way or another. The people who show up in different meetings asking for money so that people will not realize they do it every week, the 13th stepping, the lax and ineffective sponsorship, and of course the low recovery rate and high relapse rate. Very depressing. My experience tells me it is avoidable if they are willing to follow suggestions you see. That's why its hard to watch.
I haven't looked very hard to be honest, but I suppose I have been attending a meeting that is mostly very new people, and the sense of misery and despair is palpable. That and the chronic dependence on relationships.
So yeah I am a bit shocked by the degree of (what I see) as 'acceptable' negativity.
Perhaps if I invest in one meeting a bit I will start to see a different side or I can try to be a positive influence on the 13th stepping, relapse rate and general levels of anguish. Who knows.
But thing is. I know the only way I will see a real and satisfying change in an individual is if I sponsor them properly. Otherwise its very piecemeal.
I am not very motivated to look for new women to reject me in favor of some low life AA bloke on the pull, but I will carry on looking.

In theory one always learns something new about oneself, but I dislike rejection as much as the next alky. And I take great offence at being labeled (wordlessly of course) as some kind of man hater, because I do not recommend relationships with men in aa. Quite wrong. Never mind. The only reason that rankles is because I have yet to meet a woman who understood what the HELL I meant by that till they go out with a reasonably sane non alcoholic. Whatever. I'm not even going to even TRY to explain that one.
But alkys are pretty sick. Pretty maudlin, negative creatures. I much prefer people without the same kind of mental illness, albeit in remission. Nah.

Anyway. It just goes to show that I am wrong even about having nothing (apparently) to say. Quelle surprise!
Being wrong is pretty ordinary. So nothing new there.

Right well the sun is shining and I am off to burn 1000 cals in the gym :)
Have a nice Tuesday out there :)

Just a hello. Nothing in particular

2009-06-01T09:45:00.002+01:00

Just a brief hello. I have caught up on some sleep. Not enough. I have caught up with some former Sponsees. Again not enough. I hope to catch up with family sometime this week and hopefully other former Sponsees and AA members. I find my family quite needy. Energy vampires! But I can handle them in small doses. I have important courses to apply for and applications to do. A backlog of paperwork. Lots of cleaning up! And I need to resume my fairly strict diet and exercise routine. Lots to do!
I would love to spend time with some monastics, and work permitting, I will. My body and nervous system is gradually winding down from its nervous energy for the last three months.
As for AA, I haven't given it much thought. Meetings for me are "the pub with no beer" so I enjoy going just to catch up with everybody and say hello, try to be useful, drink too much coffee etc. I might do a service commitment this summer and use the weekly meeting as an opportunity to catch up with people I haven't seen for a long time.
I will go to a meeting later today where I always see people I know and is socially pleasant. My mind feels relatively blank. I have no particularly obsessive thoughts. Nothing that is stuck on repeat. My head feels very empty at the moment. There are lots of problems at work, but I have no reaction to it, same as many other people I work with, simply because none of us are worried any more. There is simply no point in being worried. There is plenty of things wrong with AA, as always, but that doesn't bother me either. I'm sure I disagree with many people on many points about how AA runs itself, but this doesn't concern me. Basically I suppose I must be feeling very equanamous.
I am looking forward to spending time with people this summer who dwarf my limited experience. I thoroughly enjoy being around my elders and betters, even if I feel very foolish. Which happens quite a lot in their company. I intend to challenge myself in other ways this summer. So I will push myself out of my comfort zone. Diet and exercise should do that, amongst other things. If a senior Lama is visiting London this summer I will try to attend, but I will have to arrange it around my work commitments.
Well I better be off. Where there is seriously gorgeous over here. Really hot! So I hope you have a lovely Monday, and perhaps I will have something more interesting to say when I get back to you :)

See you after Wednesday :)

2009-05-24T14:32:00.004+01:00

Wow its so GREEN !! round here these days. Summer is HERE!! yaaaay.
Im just posting to say my enforced absence will be temporarily suspended as of Wednesday 27th. Cross your fingers for me for the Wednesday as that's my last scary exam. (Till next time!)
Hope you are all well :) I am sure you all are :)
I'm fine. Same ol same ol. Just less sleep, and heightened nerves. The two go rather well together as it happens..
As for AA. Haven't given it much thought. Time permitting, I will see if I can find a express-Sponsee to do steps with in the summer in double quick time. But its pure luck whether one shows up that is suitable for that sort of thing. Will be nice to catch up with you all. :) I am already drifting into holiday mode as I anticipate the reduction in workload after Wednesday. But in truth another pile of obligations show up that need attending to that I have put on the back burner. I might take a needed dharma-break and hang out with some monks/nuns. They are sooooooooooo relaxing to be around. Its like you have a MONTHS holiday in a week, or a weeks holiday in a day. Plus I just really like ! being around them. Even if I feel like a complete fool. Hehe. Its VERY !!!!!! ego puncturing, I can tell you. Still the ritual humiliation and subsequent humility will be what I call 'good uncomfortable'.
I will have to check if I have any time off work left.. Hopefully.
Right well I look forward to having some TIME do do STUFF. I have LOTS to catch up with. Oh well.

RIGHT. Must not!!!! Get distracted!!!! Back to work!! I find it VERY hard sustaining the effort to the bitter end, so I must take my leave and get back to you after Wednesday :)
Have a LOVELY Sunday :)

There's always SOME truth in criticism

2009-01-27T13:33:00.002Z

There's always some truth in criticism. ..well apart from 'shape shifting reptile' !! baloney!

It is tempting to think that the more one accumulates information, and the more success one has at passing on the message of recovery to people with less experience, that the more infallible one becomes, or more impenetrable to stupid mistakes, projections, misplaced blame, and various forms of 'justified' moral superiority.

But I have found that not to be the case. One of the reasons I am intrigued by personal and moral superiority, is because I find those pitfalls are much more readily available to anybody who has successfully managed to stay sober for some time. Yes of course arrogance exists in many forms and I have met my fair share of arrogant newcomers. But I'm just saying that for those who are lucky enough to have managed to overcome a compulsion to drink for a long period of time, and also have overcome a lot of personal obstacles, then there is a very strong temptation to occupy the moral high ground when one encounters people who are clearly less able. Either because they cannot stop drinking, because they have little or no grasp of how arrogant they are.

One of the things I frequently tell Sponsees, if they follow the path of steps that way I was shown them, is that they will enjoy (as described on page 83) "a feeling of neutrality safe and protected", "the drink problem has been removed, it does not exist for them". Whilst that might not seem very impressive to a non-alcoholic, unfortunately due to the unwillingness of many AA to follow suggestions, it's not common for people to feel like that in AA recovery. I find that most members of AA that I meet do not feel as though they are "in a position of neutrality safe and protected". Because this is the case, it would be easy to feel superior in some way to these people.

It's because of this that I tell Sponsees and when they start, the they will have to work very hard in order to overcome arrogance and superiority at a later date. It's easy to feel humble when everything you do you turns to crap. It's much harder to stay humble when most of what you do succeeds. Of course not everything succeeds, that's not what I mean. What I mean is, we have a good chance at life. And things really start to work. Often for the very first time. We start getting along with our family. We start getting along with the people we work with. We start to be of real help to the people we meet. Our friends and family start relying upon us for our assistance. The people we have helped in the past, come back because the thing we passed onto them, really worked for them. And seeing all these nice things to happen is really lovely.
But none of these things make me or anybody else less prone to error, or faulty judgement. There is no critical mass of life experience or information that can shield either you or I from our own stupidity, or carelessness.
And blindness doesn't leave us simply because we did well yesterday. So basically we never get to put our feet up. Life has nasty way of reminding us when we take our eye off the ball. You snooze you lose.

So when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there may very well be some truth in it. It's highly likely I'm doing something wrong, and that I may be contributing to the problem unwittingly in some way or other. Mainly because none of us can lay claim to EVER being ENTIRELY free of error.
Of course some criticism is expressed in a way that is difficult to take on board, but that does not make the content of the criticism any less valid. Alternatively, a form of criticism may be expressed very eloquently, yet its content is utterly misplaced. The same is true of compliments. A compliment could be very skilfully expressed, yet have no basis in truth. Or a compliment could be expressed really poorly, yet reflect a real virtue of some sort.

I regularly receive criticism of some sort another from AA's I meet. Misery loves company. And if I communicate that I believe (on almost cellular level) that happiness is an inside job, that understandably ruffles some people's feathers, who haven't had the good fortune to have that experience.

"We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, even though it was once just that for very many of us"

so yeah, people get pissed off. It's the nature of the beast. I don't take it personally. I'm not saying I like it, I just don't take it personally.

Basically I'm just saying that criticism goes with the territory. Especially if the results you are getting are not very similar to that of the majority membership of AA. So long-term sobriety is in some respects can be pretty thankless. Until of course others get grips with your approach, and get to see the benefits of it first-hand. Only then, are people able to genuinely put their prejudices and reservations to one side. I think that's fairly normal. I don't think makes them difficult, obstructive, or worse in some way or other. I think I was the same. I think I only really understood how powerful a program was after I had completed the first nine steps. The longer I am sober the more I see what an extraordinarily powerful vehicle the AA program is for all kinds of self-realisation.

When I encounter criticism from Sponsees and newcomers I completely understand that they don't understand. I find it unpleasant to be on the receiving end of their negativity. It actually feels like little arrows are physically piercing me. Not nice! Quite toxic. And very draining if I stick around too long. But what I mean is, regardless of all the things I've learned, and regardless of all the experiences I have overcome, I don't assume that I'm right, or without fault, when something goes wrong. Perhaps I make too many allowances for people's genuine reservations about what I am telling them. Who knows? All I know is that that's how I feel when things go wrong. When someone reacts badly to what I'm saying. (apart from total !! crazy nutters)

But by and large I would say defensive, critical reactions are very common in AA. AA is full of touchy, restless, irritable and discontent people so it's hardly surprising people disagree in ways that are not terribly !! skilful! As you may already know from reading this blog, I have very low expectations generally of others. I don't expect people in AA to be gracious when they encounter something they don't like. I expect mudslinging and other such childish reactions. So it's hard to disappoint me by behaving childishly, but like I said before, I don't have a heart of stone, so yes I feel the consequences of attacking comments just like everybody else.

Anyway I just thought I would share that. Basically nothing is as simple or as comfortable as you would like it to be. And there is no point at which you stop questioning yourself. Anyway I better be off. I'm only doing this because I'm avoiding another task! So have a fabulous Tuesday, and I hope your weather is as nice as ours :)

Almost instant cure for RSI: The Mind/Body Prescription

2009-01-11T14:47:00.007Z

Well I've been suffering from what I'm going to call "the 12 days of RSI."
I've had it in the past, and successfully used Australian bush flower essences which pretty much fixed it. Anyway, I've used the same bush flower essences that I used the last time, and thank God they worked! Phew!

But whilst I was doing a little bit of extra research on the Internet for RSI, I stumbled across what looks like a fabulous resource which pretty much sums up my interpretation of how RSI arises in the first place. I had always taken the view that it was some sort of stress arising due to an unresolved dilemma of some sort, but I particularly like the way in which it is articulated by the woman describing how she recovered using Dr Sarnos's approach.

There is a link to it here. Another related page is here. And the Amazon book page references is here. Australian bush flowers are here.

What I mean is, but I thought I had an instinctive understanding of this, but I am really impressed by the clarity and straightforward explanation provided by this interpretation of how RSI arises. So, I listened to the the online recordings which summarise the method, and have been trying to consciously implement its suggestions, and although I was feeling good already, I feel even better than I did before I listened to the audio.

The gist of it goes:
Unresolved conflicts bringing to light parts of oneself one doesn't like to acknowledge. But the tension between the view one likes to have of oneself, (I am a good caring person who makes time for other people), and the view revealed by testing circumstances, (I don't have time to take care of you and everybody else because quite frankly I have got TOO MUCH TO DO right now), create internal tension, and unless you are prepared to look at this dilemma SQUARELY in the eye, and see the UNFLATTERING truth about oneself, the body creates a CONVENIENT DISTRACTION from the daunting, unflattering issue. RSI is useful because it creates an almost total distraction, because just about every movement is affected by it. This way, you have almost 24 x 7 distraction.

The cure? Simply to remind oneself when pain arises, that the pain is a convenient fiction to distract oneself from the dilemma, and to basically go straight to the heart of the dilemma and solve that, or at the least acknowledge it. Basically, if you face the demon, then there is no need for the body to ameliorate your stress by providing you with the painful distraction.

Cool. My conflict, or cognitive dissonance to give its true name, was the conflict between,
1. being a responsible person in my family, who does whatever they can to provide solutions to family problems.
2. Having too much on my plate right now to deal with the ENERGY VAMPIRES in my family who are currently in enacting various stages of drama, in response to one family member who has cancer. their drama, my current workload, their inability to understand my lack of drama, their inability to understand the extent of my current workload, is just too much work for me to take on at this moment in time, and at some point this problem will require me to tell them so, in a way that doesn't cause them harm, or shift blame onto them, for what is essentially MY personal limits of patience and tolerance, and mental and emotional energy.

Unsurprisingly, I do not like to see myself as somebody who does not have a great deal of patience and tolerance for the demands placed upon myself because of a 'cancer drama' presenting itself to a family member. Nor do I like to see myself as somebody who has to exert almost every available ounce of energy into my current workload, in order to achieve a satisfactory result.

Helping my family, is much more exhausting than helping a newcomer. As my family are much less open and receptive to new ideas. They are very conventional. So whereas an hour helping a newcomer might invigorate me and refresh my mind, an hour trying to help my family member, is straining, frustrating, testing, seemingly intractable. Like pulling teeth basically. Yes it can be done, but it's slow arduous work. I know because I've done in the past, and I've seen gradual improvement. But that kind of work takes moment to moment, unwavering focus, in order not to drift into habitual negativity, blame, fixed ideas. The only thing I can compare it to, is like dealing with a newcomer who doesn't want to get sober, who thinks they know best, who thinks they are right, and that I am stupid. I can help newcomers who fit that description, but it's HARD work, and one has to deal with ongoing slights and undermining remarks of one sort or another which is draining.

So that's why being there for my family in a non bullshitty kind of way, takes !! work, and because I'm at a !! PARTICULARLY busy point in my workload, my mind is pretty full !! up with that right now, so I don't have mental space for a pile of other concerns, which to me seem entirely self-inflicted and avoidable. I know that they want me to be there for them in what I would call a "conventional" way. But I am more accustomed to being there for other people, in what I would call a fairly nonconventional way. When I am concerned about another human being. I feel that in some way benefits them. Some would say that was delusional, to me it is nothing more than the power of prayer. I think that ANY good thought directed towards another human being benefits them, and I don't think it matters whether you call it prayer or anything else. So I feel as though I am doing my bit, albeit not in a way that I think makes sense to them. In this way the spiritual life is a bit of a curse, because one ends up dealing with people who are not on a spiritual path who think you think you're being a complete A*SE. The answer is in the St Francis prayer where it says:

"It is better to understand, than to be understood"

(yeah I know it's not exactly the same, but that's how I remember hearing it in aa meetings) Meaning, life is a great deal simpler, when instead of trying to make everybody else understand YOUR perspective, you behave in a way, and speak in such a way, that you are sure their limited viewpoint WILL be able to understand. It's as if we are talking two COMPLETELY separate languages, and in order to be understood I have to adopt THEIR language.

Obviously, I'm no doctor, I am not saying that I think you ought to adopt the same viewpoint, I'm just telling you this is what I make it today. don't for God's sakes assume I expect you to agree with me :)
Right well much as though I would love to stay and chat!, The gym is calling :) Have a relaxing cosy Sunday wherever you happen to be :)

Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

2009-01-05T23:24:00.004Z

Well, after all those kind comments you alcoholic bloggers left for me in the last post, I think I'm going to have to do buy this book, and commit it entirely to memory :)
..no, seriously, this book does appeal to me, but I confess I haven't read it yet.
Its called: Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Personally, I think the ego is extraordinarily insidious. Never really goes away. Best you can do, is learn to tolerate it gracefully. Some people, do manage to have very impressive absence of? Ego. Not nearly enough unfortunately.
There is that whole, "false humility" thing, which I find a little bit distasteful. I'm not very good at tolerating it, because I find it embarrassingly transparent. If it was less obvious, then it wouldn't bug me so much. But as it is, it's sort of stands out like a sore thumb, and it's very difficult to not notice.

Also, this subject has significance for either someone with long-term sobriety, or someone with less sobriety who is able to enjoy a high standard of of emotional stability, for want of a better word. When I say emotional stability, I don't mean that they somehow experience that sort of "flat line" emotional life. What I mean is, that they don't take their emotional state personally. Meaning their relationship to their varied, unpredictable, and conflicting states, is "no big deal".
And of course, this applies to all those that by default have a confident demeanour, and a tendency towards complacency.

Personally, I find when things are going well, that's the time I'm most likely to get lazy and complacent. So success for me, is a sort of minefield. You'd be surprised how easy it is to wreck things, by just letting things slide. So, the more success you experience, the easier it is to become complacent. Well that's what I find anyway.

So, I think this book looks quite promising. There is nothing more unattractive than grandiosity. And how easy! it is to think oneself slightly better than the next man, especially when the next man is in a particularly sorry state, for one reason or another. Like someone said, "it's easy to love the lovable ones".

I must admit, I find those things I learned from having to deal with success of one sort or another, quite interesting. Because so much of my life before was about failure after failure. So, I never really had to learn how to be responsible when good things came my way. Now I am in a fortunate position in many ways, life is a lot better than it was. I have more luck than I deserve. And yes, in this impermanent world, nothing is certain. "This too shall pass". The good things pass, and the bad things pass. But in the past all I had was lots of bad things. At least, that's the way it seemed. I daresay I have a slanted perception of my past, so they that may not be entirely accurate! But yes I became very good at different forms of crisis management. Whereas now, my challenge is to maintain the good things, so that I do not allow them to slip through my fingers. Nor hold on to them so tightly, that I squeeze the life out of them. And this is an entirely new lesson. For me.

So anyway, it I just thought I would mention this book, because us alcoholics are a bit ! weak on the ego front. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be uniquely awful. ..So much so that we are 'special and different', in a worse way, than other aa's. Which is bull.

Right I'm off. And thank you so much for your kind comments on my birthday. If I'm honest, compliments make me slightly uncomfortable, As I subscribe more to the Kipling review of criticism and compliments From be poem called if

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

Meaning I think of both criticism and compliments as imposters. Because neither of them tell the whole story. And no matter how nice the thing you are telling me is, I know that there is another side to that. And that feeling never really leaves me, so on the one hand it is only polite to say thank you, but I don't feel as though I am a better person because I have those compliments. the nagging reality of my varied nature is all too apparent, unfortunately. I don't mean that in a disparaging sense, because I wholeheartedly believe that all humans contains shades of light and dark, so when I say that, it has no 'good' or 'bad' meaning. it's like saying 'I am just like you'. So there is no sense of shame or criticism, for me when I think those thoughts.

One thing I like about long-term sobriety, if that every now and again, life pulls you up short, in no uncertain terms, and lets you know absolutely that you don't know everything. So I kind of know that a moment that feels just like that, lies ahead. And that's why it easier to not take success or failure personally, and to see it all as shades of experience. Neither good nor bad. Right or wrong.

There I go again. I had every intention of writing a very short post. Just mentioning the book and the author and leaving it at that. Typical.
Well have a fabulous day, wherever you are :)

Happy New Year :) 22yrs tomorrow! And Cainer says you can cast positive resolutions in concrete tonight.

2008-12-31T11:10:00.006Z

http://www.icq.com/img/friendship/static/card_16961_rs.swf
HAPPY NEW YEAR e card

Right. Yeah, another ! year on the sober block, as opposed to up some alcoholic creek without a paddle. Hehehe A creek I got to know ALL too well before I decided to take the advice of some friendly alcohol counselors and put the drinking on hold and go to aa meetings. Cool. Now all I need to do is maintain (what I consider to be) a respectably low fat percentage, then I will have !! everything! ...Just kidding.. But yeah its always work staying the weight you want to be. There are "no days off" with that one either! Shame! I have to undo the December excesses. Oh well.

More importantly. Cainer says your thoughts will become things that STICK this new year. Enabling you to cast a positive resolution in concrete. So to speak. Great!

Cainer said yesterday:
Tomorrow brings the awkward convergence of an earthly tradition and a cosmic apparition. Normally, New Year’s Eves come and go without too much fuss. We celebrate. We sing. We make our resolutions then we carry on. But what if some heavenly force were secretly listening in to our every vow, offering full celestial support in ensuring those promises were completely carried out? Tomorrow night, Saturn turns stationary. Such conditions favour those who wish to make a decision and ‘cast it in concrete’ so that it can never be changed. Be very careful not to make a ‘negative’ resolution.
And today he said:
It’s rare to have New Year with a stationary Saturn. Resolutions made under this cosmic climate will prove particularly powerful and unnervingly easy to keep!

Hehe I know what resolutions I want this year.
There are study ones, career ones, fat percentage ones, gym ones, and nearest and dearest ones. Loads! So I am getting busy formulating my desired destinations in my mind today to garner momentum and staying power from the freakishly rare unmoving hulk of Saturn. Cool.

So I hope you all have a peaceful new year and for those of you that are newer to sobriety, don't suffer to much from peer pressure that convinces you that you OUGHT to be doing ?? Something expensive overcrowded and unfunny, just because you feel imposed upon by ? nameless social conventions. Life is too !! short. Do whatever you fancy and don't feel guilty about it. If you don't want to stand for 40mins in a !! freezing queue to get in to some sort of 'exclusive' club only to find it full of lurching unintelligible alcohol sodden, or 'wired' people functioning only on the most reduced limbic brain state, well, you will be glad !! to hear that you ! don't ! have ! to! Thank god. Leave that 'luxury' to the active alcoholics, and THEY can pay 50 quid to stand in an overcrowded bar with slightly overweight red faced lurching individuals who have difficulty forming sentences. :) Trust me, you'll meet a MUCH nicer bunch in the gym. Or basically ! anywhere where the main form of entertainment is NOT being anesthetized, and out of control. Basically. Hehe

Right well you can tell how much I enjoy the company of active alcoholics on their home turf. Not much basically. They are bearable when they are sober but get repetitive and dull after a few so I make my excuses and leave when their social skills get clumsy which sadly can happen quite quickly. I manage to enjoy those sorts of occasions by just seeing what I can do for others while I'm there. Without being a doormat that is. As there are plenty of awkward ! social moment due to the disihibiting affects of alcohol, there are plenty of opportunities for service to change the subject quickly and gloss things over in a social sense.
There are loads of AA new years nights here if you like that kind of thing. They can be quite sweet. Like a wedding disco or something. A wide mix of people catching up with each other, throwing a few shapes, and not taking themselves too seriously.
Plus they have seriously great fireworks by the river and millennium wheel over here, and smaller displays all over. If you can bear the cold!

Or, you can enter the new year with 5 - 20 mins of meditation.
Ajahn Chah used to say, "If you want to change the world learn to make your mind still. To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."

Brahmavihara Meditation (Boundless Equanimity, Love, Appreciative Joy and Compassion) - mp3, 20mins
http://tinyurl.com/brahmavihara
World Peace Meditation - mp3, 15mins
http://tinyurl.com/7enoj9
You can use any of these to enter the new year meditating...or simply sit in receptive silence.
As part of the meditation session it will be good to focus loving, peaceful thoughts to the troubled regions in our world today.
"Khanti paramam tapo titikha"
Patient endurance is the supreme austerity.
Wishing you an equanimous new year.

Right. Gym. Essays.
Have a good one, whatever you do :)

Increased sensitivity toward others AND acceptance means: "It hurts you more but it bothers you less"

2008-12-27T10:30:00.020Z

On a relative level, it hurts you MORE. On an absolute level, it bothers you LESS
"There is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely." Quote at 6.15 of the video.

This is like a master class on emotional intelligence by Ken Wilber. Bless im.
This is for those of you that tend to get steamrollered by your emotions or fear that life will tear you apart unless you close your eyes to the suffering in the world. Ken has a very good explanation as to how more advanced practitioners view that ongoing tension.

My words:
Firstly. He distinguishes between what he calls RELATIVE reality, and ABSOLUTE reality.
Lets call the relative reality the ? world. 'People places and things', such as emotions, patterns of the mind. Al the emotional and mental 'traffic' we experience.

Then lets call the ABSOLUTE reality ? ..God, HP the power of AA as a whole. ? Whatever. Just something beyond the daily push and pull. Doesn't really matter what you call it. Its that place that feels ? beyond the surface of things. ? ..Gawd knows what it is, but it is beyond people, places and things. Including the capacity of the thinking mind.

In retrospect, I think this ? 'dual' reality he describes, of both a 'relative' and 'absolute' nature, (Buddhists call it 'conditioned' and 'unconditioned' reality, but it doesn't really matter what you call it) is the thing I was ! trying to describe in the July 2007 post called: The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether' And another Dec 2006 post called: A strange 'dual' mind space shared by myself and my Sponsees. (And their Sponsees)

Anyway. regarding RELATIVE reality: Ken says at 5.06 of the video:
"The more awakened you become, the more INVOLVED you become, the more you actually FEEL, and the more painful it becomes. So the pain increases. (So do the positive emotions BTW.)
You become SO sensitive you can feel EVERYTHING that's arising for everybody. All that becomes something that you TASTE and you FEEL CONSTANTLY.

He then says at 6.03 of the video:
"On the ABSOLUTE side, it bothers you LESS.
So there is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely.

We have to give ourselves PLENTY of room to feel BOTH:
The ABSOLUTE PERFECTION in everything that arises.
..And yet see ONE person starving and you will start crying so hard it will kill you.
And if you are not doing BOTH, you are doing something WRONG."

My words:
AA's learn to see 'perfection' in this way by developing the spiritual principle of Acceptance p417 of the Big book
""When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some FACT of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I ACCEPT that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

NOTHING, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
(p417, AA Big Book) you can view the story this comes from called "Acceptance was the answer" here

*Apologies for the music on this vid BTW. Hey i didn't choose it!!.. but hey never mind.. :)

There is another ongoing tension with emotions between REPRESSION and INDULGENCE. But that's another post.
There are plenty of other Ken Wilber vids on Utube. Plus he has a website if you are interested..

Which 'race' are you when push comes to shove? The decent or indecent man?

2008-12-18T19:57:00.009Z

"From all this we may learn that there are two races of men in this world, but only these two-the '"race" of the decent man and the "race" of the indecent man. Both are found everywhere, they penetrate into all groups of society. No group consists entirely of decent or indecent people. In this sense no group is of pure race and therefore one occasionally found a decent fellow among the camp guards."
p94 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Viktor E. Frankl was a therapist who was in the concentration camps. Its a very dignified exposition of the beauty of the human spirit and what makes us 'good' and 'bad'. Riveting. Fascinating.

LOVE this book. Very short very readable.

Some prisoners when their backs were against the wall became horribly ruthless and cruel in order to survive at !!!! any price. Others maintained their dignity despite the ravages of the situation and would offer their last piece of bread to another in the most frightful and despairing circumstances.
So you see. We CHOOSE the next right thing (moral restraint and impulse control) or giving in to our reptilian survival impulses, oblivious to the next man. Heedlessly following the instinctual, habitual path of least resistance. Which one would you like to be?

"Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted as wrongly as you are about to act now!"
p114 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

I realized that I do the above without realizing when I speak to newcomers or sponsor people. I easily see the fork ahead in the road leading to an alternate destination were I to NOT explain to them how to dig themselves out of the hole. It is what motivates me to pass it on. The !!!! carnage and destruction down road B motivates me to TRY to educate them to travel down road A. so yeah I like this maxim.

..and describing a talk he gave his fellow prisoners after a !!! bleak and awful day:
"I asked the poor creatures listening to me attentively in the darkness of the hut (reminds me of Bill Wilson talking gravely to the assembled huddle of alcoholics in his kitchen) to face up to the seriousness of our position. They must not lose hope but must keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of our struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning. I said that someone looks down on each of us in difficult hours-a frind, a wife, somebody alive or dead, or a God-and he would not expect us to disappoint him. He would hope to find us suffering proudly -not miserably....................The purpose of my words was to find a full meaning in our life, then and there, in that hut, and in that practically hopeless situation. I saw that my efforts had been successful. When the electric bulb flared up again, I saw the miserable figures of my friends limping toward me to think me with tears in their eyes."
p91 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Fantastic book. Go get it. Takes an afternoon to read.
Have a fabulous Thursday!

I am oblivious to xmas so far. Just concentrating on study at the moment. Trust me. "Its just another day". Really. "There are no big deals" and all that. Hehe but I !! LOVE swerving all the seasonal palaver. Social ritual seems utterly meaningless to me. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye" as they say.

Outward stuff is just 'stuff'. So I am not terribly interested in it. I try to make sure I have no ketchup stains on my shirt (heheh) and all that, but above and beyond presentation (for the purposes of being considerate), my interest in plumage and ? nest building is a big fat zero. Hehe
So yeah do all that stuff if you REALLY want to but Im telling you it means NOTHING to me. Absolutely nothing. Kindness never goes out of fashion, but the palaver and running around I can do without.

Right gotta go.!!! Mind your head! :) Especially if you are in your first year. (Because it's nearly xmas and people tend to go a bit mad if they are not vigilant)

Buy half price vitamins in November and December

2008-12-18T19:56:00.000Z

Because they are FULL price in January.
I bought about a years worth of super !! high quality vitamins today at half price. I remembered that this time of year is a GREAT time to buy cheap vitamins as everyone is waaay too busy buying mince pies and things that make you fat. So yeah. Now's a good time. Just thought id mention that.
But who knows perhaps they will be cheap all year due to the economics? Gawd knows.
Whatever. Just thought I would share that.

AA is not a social club: Friendship in AA is a bonus, not a given.

2008-12-16T13:49:00.003Z

Firstly let me say I DO know people in AA that are real friends and whose friendship I do value. What I mean here is that I do not use AA as a social club.
I do not go there to 'take', I go to 'give' and therefore "perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because I want to 'survive the certain trials and low spots ahead" (p15, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because the big book tells me it is "imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead" (p14, AA Big Book)
So yeah. Meetings are for doing SERVICE.
Everything else is secondary.

So
12 step meetings are for doing service. Not for making friends. As such. Would you look to make friends from people in a psychiatric ward? We are here because we have a VERY serious mental illness, of which one of the symptoms is a devastating recurring blind spot that conveniently forgets "the suffering and humiliation" (p24, AA Big Book) of past drinking. Amongst other things.

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24, AA Big Book)
Even though we "vaguely sense I was not being any too smart," (p36, AA Big Book)
We have the "curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink." (p37, AA Big Book)
So basically we are a pretty !! mad bunch. In SIGNIFICANT ways. Not minor ones.
Our blind spots are life threatening, until we rid ourselves of this "curious mental phenomenon" (p37, AA Big Book) by completing the first nine steps with the help of a competent sponsor. And keeping it in remission with steps 10 11 and 12.

Most are preoccupied with self. Few seriously think of others. We are all different. It takes ages to teach people how to think of others. 12 step progs can provide a great excuse to become terribly self absorbed whilst deluding oneself that one is a spiritual giant. Easy to do!

I look for friends outside AA mostly, and if friendship occurs in AA I see it as a bonus. Sponsees are good friends as they understand me better than most regardless of how little I see them or speak to them. (more like ex Sponsees at the moment as I am waaay to busy to sponsor at the mo)

I have found face to face is not necessary for friendship and support, but yes we are social animals and we tend to perform worse without the pressures and conflicts social interaction provide. Without these rough spots, we never grow tolerance patience or acceptance.
I find I need time spent being sociable with friends less and less, as I feel connected to them all the time anyway. But yes I need social stimulation to function well.

So I like being around others because I learn from them and am supported by them. But friendship and support comes from absent friends too. People who are not 'in the building'. Books can be friends. Books can be teachers.
Active imagination can feel as real to me as people are. Sometimes feels more real than physical presence. So I can get support without the other needing to be in the building. So to speak.

As regards general friendship. It is the norm that whomever instigates social functions inevitably deals with reluctance and flakiness from those they invite and organize for.
If you are naturally thoughtful of others, be grateful for this natural orientation of the mind that you possess, but do not expect to find it often in others. Do not think people feel and think the same as you and get surprised when you find out they are not. That would be a great recipe for disillusionment. You would be falling prey to Idealism.

My home group was very ? Girl guide aa. Meaning we did it by the book. Were very morally/ethically restrained. In the same way you might expect a paid professional to be. Restraint of tongue and pen. Etc. (Step 10 12x12) a basic ethics principle of 'do onto others as you would.."

10th step 12x12
“Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.”

Most meetings do not work from a basic ethics principle of "Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97, AA Big Book) or "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)
so yeah, people can be very flaky and unreliable.
In the main, my home group members could be relied upon absolutely as they were expected to be in 'service mode' ! constantly. It just went with the territory. Service, service and !!! more service!!!!
"the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles* in all my affairs" (p14, AA Big Book)
*The principle here refers to: "to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book) and "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)

So. For finding people who are capable of being good friends in AA, it is always a good idea to find the MOST SERVICE ORIENTATED members and meetings in your area that you can find, as they tend by and large to be more reliable and considerate than others. Stick with the winners as best you can. Principles before personalities*. Just go to where there is most recovery, and don't get sidetracked by other social trends such as similar background or other considerations.

*(Tradition 12: "ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities.")

So if you want friends that better meet your needs I suggest:
Ask your HP to guide you to the people, places and things that support your spiritual growth the MOST.
And ask for the KNOWLEDGE and POWER to carry out that journey. No matter WHERE it takes you.
"praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Step 11. (p59, AA Big Book)
Then do the footwork. You paddle. God steers.

Cool huh? Scary as well. But that's what growing up is about. We never know where we will end up..
TRUE open mindedness is not for the faint hearted!

Hey gotta go. Have a great Tuesday!!

Attending AA Meetings in Second Life

2008-11-25T10:25:00.007Z

Second life is a virtual world and here is their website.

Here is a pic of the 12 Step Recovery Meeting Hall. Inset is the interior and the sunset pic is an example of a more ! attractive environment one could create as a meeting venue. Meaning the range of options is !!! limitless and this recovery hall looks a little ! Spartan. The meeting could be held in space, in a jungle, anywhere ! really. Gawd knows. Perhaps a more 'plain' one is better.. ? No idea.
Anyway:
To set up a 12 step meeting.
Figure out a weekly time that suits you.
Then IM Spike Willard to request a schedule weekly meeting.
That's it. Job done.

Or else just show up at the same time after you tell your mates in SL.
Or set up your own meeting hall. Even better!

I had a look at second life and immediately saw !!! Loads of stuff that hadn't been added yet and immediately wanted to create about a !! dozen environments.
Typical!
Anyway. This is only the online version of 'cleaning under the cooker' when a more !!! onerous task presents itself. Of which right now I have MANY :)
A pointless distraction basically.

But yeah. Its interesting, but I imagine it's use will reflect the web trend of being led primarily by po*n and sexual activity. But hey, just like the web has done, beter things will piggy back on that online trend and eventually environments will emerge that appeal to our vastly superior (Yeah right!) Tastes!! :)

So yeah. Go waste even MORE time than you already do on the net by sorting yourself out some Avatar and waste MASSES of time being a tourist in virtual environments. Hehe
There is a bog standard naff looking avatar you can get upon registration, but it should do. First name is the interesting. Second name is predesignated. Ie so a bit naff. But first name is whatever you like to call oneself.

So there you go. Just thought I would share that with you :)

Like any new medium I advise being a tourist and hanging around before you commit to anything. But that's just me. I always prefer to err on the side of caution.

But seriously there is a TON of stuff I would love to set up but my free time is a bit too thin on the ground right now so I figured I would put the idea out there for all you guys to jump on in your inimitably enthusiastic ! alcoholic fashion. ...If you ? fancy it anyway. Or just to mull over.
I don't use online meetings as typing takes far too long and I don't feel the urge to take part. SL meetings offer you the option to talk as well as type. So the time wasting part of typing can be avoided. Whatever. Other people could eavesdrop though unless you restrict access to the meeting space. Also there may be audio controls you can implement which will restrict who can overhear spoken conversations. I'm sure it's all doable though, if you can be ! bothered figuring it all out. So yeah privacy issues may be relevant. Anonymity as well. Obviously. So yeah there is stuff to figure out. But im sure you tech heads will figure it out in a heartbeat. :)
There are tools online (including the HStick - Proximity Scanner) that allow you to detect the presence of other visitors to your site
Hehe Go shopping crazy in onrez.com and go buy yourself a castle as a venue :)
If you LOVE shopping you may find Second Life very !! addictive Im afraid!

So there you go.
Right I'm off!
Too much stuff to do! Oh well
Doesn't help that I'm sat here instead of getting on with it!
Have a gorgeous Tuesday! :)

Happy Joyous and Free: Inspirational Speech by Dr. Randy Pausch

2008-11-20T18:09:00.001Z

This is great if you haven't already seen it. There are many entries on you tube and the full length final speech is also on there.
I really like his approach.
No victim mentality.
Fun. Enthusiasm. "We insist upon enjoying life" What that means...being "Happy joyous and Free"
The love inherent in constructive criticism.
Loads !! really. Its a great lecture. This is the short 10min version he did on Oprah. Hope you like :)

Andrew at The 4th Avenue Blues is precisely ONE YEAR sober today

2008-11-19T11:31:00.004Z

Andrew at The 4th Avenue Blues is precisely ONE YEAR sober today.
I have been watching him deal with all manner of difficult circumstances and am terribly !!! happy to see that he has accomplished one years recovery a day at a time. I find him particularly generous hearted and totally without arrogance or unkindness, except unconsciously toward himself in the form of self doubt and deprecation.
What a lovely guy! He has come an ! astonishingly long way in the last 365 days and is an example to all of us, that presuppose our life circumstances mean we cannot get well using the programme of recovery.
His recovery inspires me and I am profoundly happy to see how differently he relates to his family and the world since he realized drinking was no longer working for him. His steady improvement is wildly impressive.

His kindness and generosity literally shine out of what he writes, but I know he cannot see these things anything like as clearly as others are able to see them in him. I look forward to the day when he is better able to see what a worthwhile, inspirational, kind and compassionate human being he truly is.
Ah bless. So go wish him happy aa anniversary if you feel so inclined. :)

Well !! done !! Andrew. Happy AA Anniversary!!!!!
There are PLENTY more of those anniversaries available to you, a day at a time. Virtual cake and streamers your way!
Keep coming back Friend. It gets better.

'Unlocated': Distresses and exasperates the thinking mind.

2008-11-04T13:10:00.006Z

St Paul's Cathedral shrouded in thick (pea soup) fog one Saturday 6.15am, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Unlocated.
That's my favorite word of the day. Something that defies ? Location. Cannot specify its boundaries. Does not have a 'postcode'. Like no beginning and no end. Doesn't start 'here' and end 'there'.
Cant be grasped by the mind. Cannot be held. Cannot be possessed. Defies being 'pinned down' to a specific meaning or place in the world.
Feels slippery in the mind. And makes the mind flail around getting more and more upset as its limited range of function cannot 'get' it. Very upsetting for the mind. Very frustrating.
Cannot be encapsulated by a neat mental code or description. Just when you think you've got it you haven't. Like trying to capture a butterfly in your hand. The moment you exert yourself to contain it, the moment vanishes and the butterfly is squashed by the act of grasping.
Its like walking a rope but forcing yourself not to look down. You deprive yourself of the opportunity to get a 'fix' on your location. And you STAY that way. Free floating unlocated undefined experience. Scary!

I think the first time AA's get this type of experience is when they try to define a higher power. ..Well once they have settled into AA and start trying to think about what an HP actually is.
When people are new they tend to be very !!! confident about whatever their belief happens to be. That there IS a god, or there is NO god, or that they are an ATHEIST. Basically its all very neat and tidy. All sorted. Even if they are undecided they are very confident about the fact that they are undecided. Full of confidence in their beliefs basically.

The 'HP' defies definition. And so the act of mentally trying to define it will exasperate the mind, and always have an unfinished quality. Something lacking. Something not yet located.
This is what Amaro calls unlocated, and he often refers to this term when he talks about things.
I have the same experience when I (!) try to understand monastics or the like. I get the same slippery exasperating, unfinished quality of mind in their presence.

The pathetic hankering of the mind to satisfy it's need to DEFINE everything and create boundaries for every experience makes me laugh. Its pathetic really. Such an inadequate attempt to nail down some thing that cannot be nailed down. Reminds me of a cat pathetically pawing at the door trying to get in. kind of feeble. Gets the mind nowhere. Just an instinctive ITCH (what Amaro would call the grasping mind) to get an answer. To define and categorize everything.

Being around unlocated people is weird too. I get that feeling around monks and nuns and the like. They are neither one thing nor the other. They are neither here nor there. You cannot nail em down. They !!!!! confuse the brain. Thankfully they also create something whilst in their presence that reassures sufficiently so as to not create a sense of !! total flailing. There is a parallel experience of 'all is well' in addition to the unlocated presence they emanate.

Every now and again I (stupidly) think I can second guess these kinds of people. I try really hard to guess what they will reply to questions and answers sessions for instance. What I LOVE about them, is that they never say what I anticipate. Which is great.

An example of just how valuable this quality is, is to examine its polar opposite. (This is just an idea and may be worthless BTW). But we all have got to know a troll who posts abusive hate speech about AA in defiance of the regulations Blogger and google imposes upon such acts.
But that's beside the point. What's very interesting is how 'located' his thought forms are. There is nothing inherent in his statements that renders uncertainty in any form. All is certain. All is 'placed'. All is nailed down.
Well I don't think you can nail the universe down. Or any of its constituent elements. There are many clues in his speech which point to greed hatred and delusion, so I'm not claiming to have stumbled upon anything particularly clever here. I'm just saying that the 'fixed position' is the opposite of 'unlocated'.
And that I do not trust any kind of fixed position. I see the exception to the rule, splintering the validity of the 'rule'.
But there you go. Open minded versus fixed closed positions on the world. Nothing new there. But yeah I am in love with the word 'unlocated' at the moment. It is helping me see where I would like my mind to be, and to teach me to learn how to endure the distress in the mind when all attempts to categories and name 'it', fail.
But there you go.

Hehe. Anyway. That's today's pointless meanderings. Like I always say. Amaro say it much, much better than I ever could, and manages mot to sound like a pompous fool when he says them. So if any of this piques your curiosity, then listen to how he explains it in his mp3's. He's very, very good. Well I think so..

And I hope you americans manage to do the 'next right thing' when you vote today. Which I hope you will. I am sure I need not remind you of the voting conditions that led to the last US president being voted in. Basically ALL the votes would appear to count after all, if the last election is anything to go by.
My favorite old timer used to say "Ask yourself.. Which is the most COMPASSIONATE person/party? ..when deciding who to vote for" which I found useful.
We may not have an ideal person or party to vote for, but the least we can do is vote for the lousy best out there and see what happens. If we wait for ideal conditions, we will be waiting a Loooonnng!!!! time! So please follow your conscience and express your right to choose the lousy best out there. It may help or it may not, but you just never !!!!! know. No harm in trying.
So yes, good luck to all you ! anxious americans out there. Hope your nerves are not too shattered. :) Good luck!
Anyway. I'm off. I have essays to write :) as usual! Have yourselves a grand old Tuesday.

Life is a lot more like Vanilla Sky than you would think

2008-11-02T15:14:00.008Z

Vanilla sky is about a man who is experiencing a nightmare which he believes is his real life until he is FORCED to examine his experience more carefully because of 'pain and unremitting suffering'.
Admittedly. His experience is a bit trippy at times. One person changes into another for instance. So we won't experience it in quite this (!) dramatic way. But yeah. He is dreaming. But he doesn't know it.
The nightmare gets his attention, and he struggles with familiar unconscious parts of himself (the therapist and old friend) in his attempt to make sense of the predicament he finds himself in.

More importantly the film VERY ACCURATELY shows how the TINIEST act can literally pull the whole thing apart.
Not just a mediocre of average thing.
But a SERIOUSLY GREAT, seemingly bullet proof thing.
Yes. I'm afraid that's a reality we are ALL capable of experiencing. At one year sober or 50 years sober. Our flaws and lack of judgment, or innocent oversight can pull everything down around our ears. Everything.

Basically its a lesson in cause and effect, impermanence, (that everything can disappear in a moment) and the maxim, 'you snooze you lose'. Very painfully illustrated by the devastating effect of Toms momentary decision to take a short car ride with Cameron.
Yeah I know its a very theatrical scene in the sense that Cameron acts like a !! total loon in the car, but even if we do not meet total loonys, we can STILL fall foul of poor choices that REALLY land us in it. They can be VERY SMALL and SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT choices. And in their isolated sense, they probably are.
But in regard to the knock on effect down the line. They are NOT.
And that is how the world IS im afraid.
You would become TOTALLY paranoid about the smallest acts if you knew how tragic events trail back to insignificant sources. So its just as well we cannot see the causal links so clearly.
Anyway. I digress. As usual.

But yeah. Life is like vanilla sky. It really is. More so than you realize.
Its a great undiscovered film. Nobody realizes what a great metaphor it is.
Very accurate in a lot of ways.

For those of you that routinely experience the metal tape loop of

"when anyone said they liked me I used to think one of two things.
They were either LYING
Or they were STUPID"

(And I count myself among one of the people that experience that particular mental tape loop of destructive self loathing)
Then the TOTAL MISJUDGEMENT of the love that Toms character HAD during his life THAT HE HAD NO CLUE EXISTED
Is a valuable and VERY HUMBLING lesson.

Yes we are VERY OFTEN oblivious to the love and concern that others REALLY have for us.
That's why we look to ? 'feed' off of other fixes. Food. Tv, anything really to absorb into as an 'out', a way of running away from what Amaro calls 'the craving mind' (Tahana) or the hungry ghost as other call it.

Anyway. In his (Toms) despair, he DOES NOT SEE Penelope's love, or his friends love. He is oblivious to the GOOD people in his life. He FAILS to notice them because he is in pain and cannot see the wood for the trees. But unless you really PRACTICE gratitude and ACTIVELY LOOK for the GOOD people and GOOD things in your life, then YOU TOO will miss these wonderful people in your life. They are there already! You just forget to keep looking out for them! Thank god. We all have SOMEBODY who looks out (of HAS looked out for us). Well I think so. Even if we cannot see them. I am sure they are there.

Anyway I digress yet again.
What im saying is that this film is a fantastic illustration of how we unconsciously 'dream' our existence into being, and how the tiniest acts can destroy or save us. How we do not notice the love around us, and how we GET IT WRONG. ALL. THE. TIME.
Even if we are 'nice people'
Even if we 'mean well'
Even when we 'try hard'
Even when we 'do our best'

So yes we are pretty much at the mercy of our habitual thinking, and view of the world. Every (!!) act and thought counts. You snooze you lose. And sometimes you can lose everything on a dime. The tiniest thing.

Is it any wonder that it is so essential to connect with something greater than ourselves?
To 'move toward and become like' something greater than ourselves in order to make sense of the impeccable complexity partnered with utter simplicity? How in !! Gawds name are we supposed to make ANY sense of it all without that?
I have no idea.
Thank god the ? 'heart wisdom' is infinitely more expansive than the mind and can hold dozens of contradictions in place and STILL see the wood for the trees.
Complicated and simple at the same time. And the faultless infinite complexity need not be a problem. Just a feature of the landscape. Just another 'thing' in the mix.

So yes. The mind just doesn't have a strong enough 'engine' to get you there. Whereas the heart is like some sort of ? portal. A gateway into the world the mind simply cannot see. A landscape that sees all. Can hold it all.

Yes it means dropping the thinking mind temporarily. Which can throw you into BLIND PANIC if the only way you have ever ! Tried to make sense of the world is by being able to frame it in some cozy little mental box of classifications.
But yeah. If you can stand the SQIRMING mind bleating in the background because it can't 'fit' the experience into a neat little box,
AND you can resist the urge to let the mind gallop off like a dog with a stick the !! moment it sees a juicy morsel to THINK about, then you might !! just be able to enjoy a nice moment of what sogyal rinpoche calls Just BE (ing)

Whatever
I have no idea why I decided to type all that.
What I MEANT to say was, Vanilla Sky is a GREAT film and works on MANY levels. All true. So watch it a few times and see what you think.

Imagine (for one horror stricken moment,) that the 'story', might not be such a 'story' after all. But more real than most of the stuff you think of as your daily reality.
Now THAT'S a scary thought. But I am afraid to say I see a lot of reality in that film. Not all of it. But a lot more than you see in most. Which IS scary I suppose.
But never mind eh.
We just do our lousy best and try to stay in (reasonably) fit spiritual condition.
That's all we can do really. Seeing as how we see through the (god dammed) glass SO !!! darkly. Its like we don't really have much choice!

The OTHER great thing about this film, is that it is an accurate reflection of the inherent UNREALITY of the 'nightmare'. is that the nightmare is JUST THAT. A nightmare. Its an illusion. A 'seeming' as Amaro calls it. Important only insofar as to our need to RECOGNIZE it for what it is so that it becomes transparent to us, as opposed to this large looming chunk of reality staring at us. It is not 'real'.
The good news? Like some monk said.. IT IS ALL. ALL. RIGHT. Yet at the same time we are required to be aware of this subtle trick of the mind in order to not be consumed by it. Easy to say. Hard to do.
So there you go. A vaguely cheery note to end on. :)

Heheh
Whatever.
Sorry for rambling on.
It just once I start I cant stop :)

Right Id better go do some mundane household stuff. Go clean the bathroom and put some laundry on.
Same ol same ol basically.

BTW I am tempted to put a ? warning disclaimer on some of these posts because they are not ? Quite what I normally put here, and I am just kindof typing the first thing that comes into my head. So please do not feel that you have to agree with me or like it. Or anything really. Im just thinking out loud. And I may have got it wrong as I am not used to writing about this. So forgive me if I am sounding a bit cr*p. Im afraid its jus one of those things. Its VERY easy (unfortunately) to sound like a bit f a tw*t when you talk about these things, so you will just have to bear with me while I figure out (if ever!) how to write about ? this type of thing without sounding like a grandiose loon. It aint easy!

Hehe. Right off to tackle the bathroom with a strong cup of tea!

In the meantime, have a great Sunday! I on the other hand.. Have some serious cleaning up to do! Hey ho. Amaros 'zen bliss' (a my sister calls it) will keep me amused in the background!

Compassion for the 'enemy': The 114yr old monk who stayed alive to protect his attackers karma

2008-09-24T16:57:00.009+01:00

At 35mins into the downloadable mp3 of the talk by Amaro called Listening to the mind there is a cool story which I thought I would share about having compassion for ones enemies. It sort of goes like this. Its a true story but I cant make out the spelling of the monks name. Amaro will know, but I haven't emailed nim to ask.

The true story of great master (cannot tell spelling from audio which is a shame) Siu yung.who at the age of 114 was attacked by the red guard.
He restored monasteries that were being destroyed by the communist party. He was so influential and so loved in china that at the time of the communist revolution the red guard came round and beat him up when he was 114 years old. They beat him with wooden clubs and left him for dead. Broken and bleeding. But he survived. He didn't die.
His fellow monastic took care of him, looked after him and were amazed at his strength and his resilience and he recovered.
Some weeks later the red guard found out he was still alive and they went back and beat him up again with steel bars. Broke his bones, and bust his head and he was incredibly injured. And everyone was sure he was going to die.
He was Incredibly hurt and was in incredible pain. And even his disciples, who loved him dearly, thought, "even though he'd been so injured and so hurt, the great master isn't dying. It must be out of compassion for us, that he's holding on, because he knows how upset we'll be if he passes away.
So they said to him. 'please, don't just hang on to life. Your bones are all broken, your organs are smashed, you're in such terrible pain. Please don't hold on to life just because you think that we will be upset if you pass away. If its time for you to die. Please don't just hang on to life for our sake. "
He said. "its not for you. I am deliberately holding on and staying alive. But its not for you. Its for the soldiers who beat me. Because if I died, the karma that they would create would be so terrible, I couldn't be responsible for that. So I'm staying alive. But its for their sake. Not for you."
And he lived for another SIX years after that. Wisely the communist army left him alone an he lived till 1959."

Nice huh?
Well I liked it.
Just goes to show. There's no excuse for hatred. Amazing !! levels of compassion are possible. Wow.
Right I'm off. Have a fabulous Wednesday!

A little Ego massaging diversion from the repetitive realities of life

2008-09-23T22:16:00.003+01:00

Apparently I am the guru! Hehehe.. ermmm. yeah right. As Lydia from Writerquake said.. 'well hardly' but yeah, like her I can recognize myself in some parts of this description. Probably we all can, on some level or other. But that doesn't matter.

"You Are the Guru

You are a naturally good counselor. You are inspiring, encouraging, and compassionate.
You are eager to help everyone who crosses your path, even those who don't want to be helped.

You are a natural healer. People feel at peace when they are with you.
You are so good for people, in fact, that they go through withdrawal once you're gone.

You quietly do your own thing, without openly resisting. You secretly try to fix every problem.
Your biggest regret is not being able to help as many people as you'd like."

Cool. No mention of 'restless, irritable and discontent' which is always nice to hear! If somewhat (!!!) idealistic. ..but hey what do you expect..they seem to have ! skipped the fallible human bit, but I'm not complaining! Rose tinted? Bring it on! hehee

Go check out the link and get yourself a blemish-free character portrayal from this site. A little bit of pointless ego massaging can be fun if you take it with a pinch of salt..
What role do you play?

I got it from johnos blog, who found it through Lydia @ Writerquake who also appears to be a guru! Cool! There are clearly far more Gurus and Kings around than I thought there were!
Its kind of fun :)

Tired? SUPER healthy RAW veg soup that tastes like 'normal' veg soup to give you more energy

2008-09-23T16:33:00.015+01:00

When I am stressed and have a LOT on, eating raw vegtables can double my energy levels and allows my body and mind to cope with the flurry of activity. I get more done. I need less sleep. I call this 'exam food', as I used it when I was sleeping very little coming up to exams. Partly because I was a bit wired about the exams and partly because I was trying to revise as many hours as I could. I figured out a few raw food recipes, but i particularly liked this one.
Its just a variation of bog standard miso soup, but including a BIG serving of RAW broccoli (or some other green veg) to be eaten without you ever noticing ! you are eating raw food.

Just thought I would share that with you as I 'discovered' this last Easter when I REALLY needed all the physical and mental energy I could get my hands on!
Its a neat trick. Raw foods made a HUGE impact on my energy levels and I am not much good at eating tons of raw veg in their 'normal' state, (apart from carrot sticks which are EASY) so this soup was a way of sneaking MORE raw broccoli etc into my diet without me noticing. It seemed to work! I was sleeping for two to three hours and getting up and doing a full days revision. I would wake at 2am and start studying because I was wide awake. So yeah, it enables you to crank more hours out of the day. Oh and of course MASSES of cups of tea help to keep me awake as well!

Tastes like 'normal' vegetable soup to me. I would have NO idea it was all raw veg added to previously boiled water. Its a kind of comfort food. I think it tastes great. You may hate it and that's fine too! It sounds a bit bleh! But tastes like the 'proper' vegetable soups they serve in fancy restaurants in central London. If you like DECENT broccoli or veg soup, (as opposed to the glutinous artificial stuff you get in tins and packets), you will like this. Its tastes better than it sounds. Basically. Sounds a bit 'goody two shoes' (meaning a bit cr*p) but actually tastes really nice. Well I think so..

So in the time it takes to boil some ginger and garlic for five minutes and whizz some broccoli in the blender, your meal is ready!
I can have two HUGE bowls of this in one sitting as a meal. It really feeds the body without making you feel 'stuffed'.
The only fats are in the Udo oil blend, but they are essentail fats, so that is ok. But go easy on the oil. You don't need much.

This amount will serves one hungry person or two very restrained people. Makes 2 BIG bowls of very low calorie and extremely nutritious soup. Its an instant food in that you have to eat it as soon as you make it as it the vegetables will oxidize and become less raw if you leave it. Raw shredded vegetables generally are much better if you eat them straight away.

The cooking part
2 cloves of Garlic
Fresh Ginger
5-10 Almonds if you want protein
A mushroom or two if you want.

Put a pint and a half water in pot. Add Marigold Organic Swiss Vegetable Bouillon Low Salt Cubes (small amount) Bring to the boil.
While the waer is coming to the boil, pulverise ginger, garlic, almonds, mushrooms in magimix using big rotating blade. Put the 'mooshed' bits into the water.
Let it rapid boil for 5 minutes or so.
While its boiling, use a hand blender in the pan to whizz it up even more

Turn the heat off. Let the water calm down.
Add all the other ingredients and then use the hand blender in the pan to pulverize it all and mix it up
Serve immediately

The raw ingredients.
Raw vegetables. Can be:
Head of Broccoli
Pack of Sugar snap peas
Bag of Raw spinach leaves
A bag of Alfalfa Sprouts, or mixed sprouts

Ideally something GREEN. Not too starchy. I haven't tried Savoy cabbage, as I really like the broccoli version. All are 'mooshed' in the magimix and then added to the previously boiled water once the heat has been turned off.

The raw condiments
Organic Miso paste
Organic Sprouted Flax Powder
Marigold Engevita Nutritional Yeast Flakes
Udo's Choice Ultimate Oil Blend or another 3, 6 9 oil.
You can also add Bragg Liquid Amino Seasoning but its a bit salty so you probably wont need it.

No added salt or pepper
Miso and Bouillon add salt
Raw ginger acts as pepper

If you add bread to the soup, it will make you tired and reduce the energizing effects significantly. Bread just makes you TIRED. Oh well. Plus its addictive! ..For people like me anyway!

Another good healthy food is brown basamti rice with chick peas or some other kind of pulse. The Udo oil, yeast flakes, flax sprouts and amino seasoning added at the end make it even more nutritious.
I am not so good at this food because it is more starchy and I can eat rice like it Is going out of fashion. But yeah. This gives the body all it wants in terms of nutrients. Apparently. Rice and beans is a staple vegetarian meal.

Right I'm off. Have a great Tuesday!

The World (of the 'Self') that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth

2008-09-11T18:51:00.014+01:00

At the risk of sounding like someone who does not really know !!! (at ALL) what they are talking about, (!) I thought I would share this..
I KNOW I am not the greatest (!!) Authority about this, but I am very excited about this, like I am with most new things I am TRYING to learn, and in my attempt to understand it better myself, I thought that if I TRIED to put it into my own words, it MIGHT make more sense to me, or I might just organize my thoughts better so here goes...
(It helps me even if it makes no sense to you whatsoever!! Heehe )

The above utube (here is a link to the Matrix blue/red pill scene because the link above appears to be no longer working. The part I like starts 50 seconds in.) the is a dialogue clip from the Matrix which I think works as a VERY useful metaphor on loads of levels. A metaphor for The 'dream world' we inhabit when we are 'captivated' or 'caught up' by the hopelessly ! misleading (but VERY compelling) information habitually flooding our senses and mind. A metaphor for the underlying reality of Non duality that goes unseen. No self: the illusion of self. Non existence of time: the illusion of time.

Its like we are little babies getting distracted by a 'glittering bauble' being dangled in front of our eyes, and we are failing to notice all the OTHER !! conditions around us. All we can see is the 'glittery thing' that glints and catches our attention. The glittery thing is sight, sound, the chatter and murmurings of the mind. The WORDLESS BELIEFS in the mind. The surges of the mind to ? GET something, or get AWAY from something. Primal SURGES of one thing or another. Such as..
Can I eat it? Can it eat me? Can I mate with it? .. (As Amaro says in his talks) They take centre stage, And we don't even notice. Shame really.

Or they HIJACK us from the wings with whispered blurry unquestioned half-truths we just never think to question because they feel so .. 'normal'.
Basically the way our senses and our mind are conditioned to interpret the world is very partial, habitual, and accepted unquestioningly.
If you look closer what you find is all the senses look hopelessly inadequate. And the way the mind habitually interprets them is very lazy and pathetically caught up in itself. Not logical at all. If you calm down enough to see ? 'past' all the mental chatter and pointless mind meanderings, and actually question the reliability of the information coming in via the senses, it all starts to look a LOT !! More insubstantial. Like a cloud passing by. Vapor. So one the 'worldly objects' are reduced to ? Nothing containing any substance. Whereas the space in which all those things arise and disappear takes on a WHOLE new significance and looks like the REAL thing going on in the background.
Or something.

Anyway. Its what's BEHIND all that ? activity we get caught up in, that Is interesting. The more quiet the mind gets, the easier it is to watch for those pauses between breaths of bits of inactivity. Plus as you get more chilled out with all the different distracting baubles floating about in the ? Mind, then you can kind of watch them without breaking a sweat and stand firm, resisting the tidal surge to heedlessly follow each new impulse.
Basically kind of watch the 'show' from the sidelines, instead of being IN the 'show'.
And when you do that, you start to see that the 'show' is not really YOU.
Just some weird sh*t 'happening' on the stage in front of you.
Anyway. When that happens, the whole sense of identity shifts from a 'personal' ME to a more ? Impersonal ? Awareness. Not a ME. Something else. A cooler ? Something ? else, which is not a ME.
Anyway. Whatever it is. It feels more spacious. More free. Less personal. Not from the world of ? THOUGHT. Comes from a ? Feeling place. A 'quiet knowing'.
Its nice whatever it is.
But yeah every time you start congratulating yourself on what a COOL person you are for managing to get even ! This far. You are immediately SUCKED back onto the stage where you are right back to being a ME again. Sheesh..
There are no days off basically.
But yeah its a nice trick. Anyone can do it I reckon.
Its quite funny. There you are sitting watching the show. Trying VERY hard to resist the urge to listen to a POINTLESS CONVERSATION going on in the row behind you (somewhere else in the mind) that sounds TERRIBLY INTERESTING, and you manage that, but then don't notice SELF has appeared in the form of a self congratulatory remark, and you start listening to it and BINGO. There you are. Back in the self again. Just goes on and on really. Just when you think you've got it. You don't! Hahaah. Funny old game.

I'm pleased with my progress of my awareness of the 'show' WITHOUT getting caught up in it, when it feels similar to someone persistently COUGHING when you are trying to concentrate on your golf swing. Like I am the golfer, and the coughing is NOT putting me off. Like that really. The ? Reptile brain or Mara as the Buddha liked to call it. The ? 'Evil tempter.' Is ALWAYS trying to put us off our game. And 99.9% of the time it wins. !
But its nice to score a few points against Mara every now and again. Not get SUCKED IN to some POINTLESS inner drama or DISTRACTION, and instead notice the glittering baubles dangling alluringly in the consciousness, are NOT ALL THAT. That there is actually something a LOT more SIGNIFICANT and RESONANT going on VERY quietly in the background. The land of no self. Cool!

But yeah. Sometimes the 'bauble' is indifference, disinterest, dullness. lethargy or boredom. All those are not what you would call a 'quiet' mind. A very sleepy mind! But not a quiet one. So snoozing, or having a mental tea-break, or being 'zoned out' doesn't count I'm afraid! Never mind eh? Rome wasn't built in a day as they say..

Anyway. When you get a better sense of the underlying stuff, you feel a bit SWINDLED by the mind and the senses, and the SELF it conjures up. In much the same way as you feel a bit swindled by the whole 'getting drunk is great' notion after you stop drinking for any length of time. You think... Why didn't anyone tell me it was like THIS??? Jeez. There I have been believing all this SELF sh*te for gawd knows how long, when in fact it was some poxy MIRAGE masquerading as SUBSTANCE. Whatever.
Well that's kind of what it feels like. Like most things. Once you see them for yourself, they seem OBVIOUS and you feel completely CONNED all the time you had no idea. Oh well. Never mind.
Thank you Mr Amaro for helping me look in the right direction and helping me see that. Even if it was just a ! glimpse. It all helps. Doesn't 'cure' me of my senses, but at least I have a SLIGHTLY ! better idea of what I am up against.

In this clip (the way I see it anyway) the 'prison' is the 'world' (meaning 5 senses and the MIND,) and the object being imprisoned by the senses and the chattering mind is the IMPERSONAL existence of 'no-self.' Poor ol NO SELF doesn't get a chance, because there is this MASSIVE smokescreen of SELF going on. MY nose, MY ears, MY thoughts. MY emotions.. etc etc. Yeah right! Look a little closer and there's NOTHING there. ..Meaning the REAL me isn't the endless flow of thoughts emotions and god knows what else. its the ? 'thing' (some people call it the witness) that is AWARE of all that trivial and pretty pointless mind-stuff. Timeless, impersonal unconditioned awareness. not a 'thing'. not a 'person'. Just plain ol awareness! A universal quality. Not a ME quality. Cool not hot. Undistracted not distracted. Steady not fluctuating. There just isn't ANYTHING 'personal' about it.

Anyway here's the part of the Matrix script I like:
I can see it in your eyes.
You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees,
Because he is expecting to wake up.
Ironically, this is not far from the truth....
Do you believe in fate, Neo?
No.
Why?
Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life.
I know.. exactly what you mean.

Let me tell you why you're here.
You're here because you know something.

What you know you can't explain.
But you feel it.
You've felt it your entire life.

That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there...
Like a splinter in you're mind.
Driving you mad.

It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?

The Matrix?

Do you want to know..what it is?

The Matrix is everywhere.
It's all around us
Even in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window.
Or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work.
When you pay your taxes.

The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes,
to blind you from the truth.

What truth?

That you are a slave, Neo.
Like everyone else.
You were born into bondage
Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch.
A prison...for your mind.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is.
You have to see it for yourself.

This is your last chance.
After this. There is no turning back.
You take the blue pill.
The story ends.
You wake up.
And believe.. whatever you want to believe.

You take the red pill.
You stay in wonderland.
And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes