I find that Senior Step 11 practitioners seem to mirror exactly what it says in the Big Book

I thought I would share with you my most recent inspiration. I manage to find a new one fairly regularly these days. I found this video on the Internet, whilst looking for something else, and I really liked the way she spoke to the group. I suppose if you have experienced bossy women this might not seem so appealing, but I particularly liked her no fuss approach.

At about 27 minutes in, she describes how you don't need to give up all your worldly possessions and live a simple life in order to be a 'spiritual' person. This is in response to a question by a man in the audience who says "if people places and things cannot make people happy, then what is the point of trying to acquire them?" Her response is that you can have your cake and eat it. Meaning it's not the people places and things that you have to get rid of, but your attitude towards the people places and things that is the problem. This reminds me of the phrase used to describe AA which is altered attitudes.

The next question at about 28 minutes in is about how to tell the difference between the unavoidable pain of real suffering and the avoidable pain of real suffering. She describes how she witnessed the Dalai Lama weep upon talking about his deceased mother, but that it was the expectation that the person place or thing would remain indefinitely that was the source of the problem, not the loss of the cherished people, place or thing in itself.

This is the same way that I was taught to analyse resentments in step four. If I felt aggrieved because a person place or thing had not done what I thought it ought to have done. - Such as a friend rejecting me, losing your job and not getting what I wanted basically. My step four consisted of three columns, and in my third column this type of resentment would have included self-centredness. Wanting things to go "my Way".

My analysis of this type of resentment was that there was an expectation that things would go my way, and this led to huge disappointment when things rarely did. - Because everything is completely beyond my control, people places and things cannot be relied upon to give me what I think I need. They will continue to live according to their own will, and to the extent that I am self-centred in my attitude towards people places and things (whom I have no control over), is the extent to which I will be frustrated and disappointed and aggrieved at the outcome, as it can only ever do what it was going to do anyway, regardless of what I think I want them to do.

In another question she talks about the difference between self-centred and a self forgetting attitude in response to difficult circumstances. In AA we hear the slogan that we ought to treat every problem as an opportunity to demonstrate God's will in all our activities.
Her way of describing the distinction is, you either think "what a terrible person that is, how dare they do that", or else you stop and ask yourself "What can I do about that?" which I interpret as being the same question as "how can I help?", or "how can I be of service in this situation?"

In AA we are told that helping others is the foundation of our recovery, and that we are no longer be running the show, and that in response to difficult circumstances we are to say to ourselves "this is a sick man, how my May I be helpful?" This seems to exactly mirror her response here.

So basically I found many parallels between what AA tells us we should do, and her very authoritative and thorough experience about how she is able to be ‘happy joyous and free’ under all circumstances. I'm always very inspired when I see parallels between senior spiritual practitioners and the things I have learned in AA. This has happened many, many times. I have lost count of how often I hear basic AA suggestions from very senior step 11 practitioners. The more step 11 I do the more I have learned to appreciate what AA taught me, because it has shown me how rarefied and impressive the tenets of AA are.

There is a lot more in the talk that I am not going to go into more detail, as this post will just get too long. No change there!
Anyway I'm going to head off to the gym now, because I have a busy day and I need to stay comfortable and not get stressed out by many things I have to do.
So I hope you all have a lovely Monday and I'm sure I will be reading your blogs in the near future :)

What is unreasonable?: The more polite you are, the more you second-guess yourself

I spoke to a woman less than five years sober recently about difficulties she was having a relationship. I would not describe her as a shy person, but to some degree she suffers from (what I call) spinelessness and lack of confidence in standing up to unreasonable behaviour. I do not think this is because she is a spineless person, I think this is because she doubts herself, in that she is not sure whether or not she is justified in rejecting unreasonable behaviour. I think this is because she questions herself constantly. This is because she is so incredibly polite. It is part of her nature to think extremely carefully about what she says in case it causes offence. This makes her very pleasant company and very polite company. I think she is afraid of labelling another person's behaviour untoward, for fear of appearing Draconian or rigid. She is so busy minding her p’s and q's and terrified of appearing domineering and unfair. This approach is like a ball and chain around her feet when asserting her preferences in a relationship.
When I meet people like this I label this behaviour "Catholic guilt". I don't know if it is Catholic guilt or not, as it's just a label I use so that people see this pattern when it repeats itself more clearly. Normally when people present themselves in this way,

racked with self-doubt whilst unwittingly permitting (or enabling) unacceptable behaviour,

the first thing I say to them is something like "That's Catholic guilt". Along with some comment to the effect that as far as I know they are not catholic etc, so why are they suffering from Catholic guilt? I probably know some Catholics but their religion is irrelevant as so many people suffer from this particular trait.

When I meet somebody who has difficulty assessing another person's behaviour as unreasonable, because they are essentially a "nice" person. I start questioning them along the lines of

'If the roles were reversed, would YOU behave the way this person is treating you?' ..If not, why not?

So for instance if the other person is being very demanding, and the doormatty/polite person is doubting themselves and making excuses for their friend/partner, I just say to them something like "well so and so, if the circumstances were different and you were in the position you find your partner in, would YOU act in this particular way? For instance "would you be demanding and needy at unreasonable moments?" Meaning would YOU behave the way your partner/friend is behaving? If not why not?
The person I am talking to invariably looks back at me with complete shock, because it would never ! occur to them to behave in such a manner. And in that time, it becomes clear to them that they have been making excuses for their partner, for something they would never !! dream of doing themselves, because this type of behavior would be completely out of character for them.
This type of analysis, only really works with the type of woman who is polite, reasonable, and quite generous, as these are the types that are more likely to be bullied and dominated by friends and partners. This reasoning would not apply to a person who was a bully himself or herself.

I identify much more closely with women who are bullied than with women who bully, as this tends to be what happens to people who are reasonable. I find that the more unreactive I am, that the safer others feel in presenting their irrational emotional states. So sometimes people ‘blow a gasket" simply because they know they can, and that I will not retaliate or punish. This unfortunately is the burden of being reasonable under emotional pressure. The nicer you are, the more people feel they can say pretty much whatever they like to you. This means that I have to be prepared to enforce my boundaries at any time. Thankfully I have learned how to do this over the years, so I am not so easily hijacked. Occasionally I get a unexpected rapidfire attack from out of nowhere, which if peculiarly unpleasant leaves me feeling quite unpleasant until I recover. But other than that people do not get much of a chance to treat me unfairly or cruelly for very long, because I do not let them.

Anyway I have a rather ! tedious shopping trip to get done before I make my way to a meeting that serves coffee after which I think is the part of the meeting I like best. Anyway have a lovely Saturday :) I hope to achieve as much as I can today, as I am catching up with loose ends regarding chores at home that have taken a back seat since study consumed most of what was left ! of my free time.

By the way, PG made a comment about speed reading in relation to reading my post. I know !! exactly how she feels :) It is precisely because of this that I invested in a acereader pro software. I think it costs about $20 or something. That means I can read online material by cutting and pasting into the software at a rate of about 1000 words a minute. Basically I really like this piece of software and it helps me to read a lot of the blogs that I do, even if I don't manage to comment on on them as much as I would like. So that's my speed reading tip for the day. Have a lovely weekend! ☺

The ‘anti-something’ brigade: AA Politics, and people who rant generally..

Sorry for the long post but I decided to use my old dictation software instead of typing.. ☺

I recently had the misfortune to bump into a very new and very ! angry member of AA. He was about three months sober, I think he had relapsed regularly before. He said he had been feeling suicidal, and generally was not having a great deal of success with the AA program. My first impression of him was that he was incredibly angry and restless simultaneously, and that these two things in combination may very well be major contributors to his reasons for relapsing previously. I did not ask as to the circumstances of his last relapse, but I have to admit that I find those stories very interesting, because they reinforce, or educate me as to why people relapse. As it happens I didn't get the opportunity to discuss this with him in more detail because he proceeded to talk ‘at’ me in machine-gun style delivery about why he thought certain meetings were ‘wrong’.

Just so you know, I gave up on the whole notion of (what I call) ‘politics’ a very long time ago. Perhaps politics is the wrong word. When I say politics, what I'm referring to is criticism, moral superiority and backbiting from certain AA members who feel it is their ? moral duty to take AA individuals or groups inventory. Perhaps as a means of ? declaring their own self-righteousness?, or identifying (what they see as) an undesirable trait, they believe they have a moral duty to be angry, indignant, contemptuous or self-righteous about? Their anger justifies trumping the AA tenets of both ‘Live and let Live’ and the principle of Unity. I assume they feel justified in breaking with these AA suggestions due to what they see as a ‘wrong’ way of practicing the AA programme. I see this as going against the tradition that each group is autonomous. But hey. They seem to be ! blissfully unaware of these things..

Even before I came to AA, I was never terribly attracted to people who were easily preoccupied with criticising others. Nor did I surround myself with friends who took pleasure in running other people down. I have never liked ridicule, even in its most watered-down forms. This is unchanged since I came to AA. I am as an interested in slagging off ‘people places and things’ as I was long before I came to AA. So if you're looking for a ? fight, or an argument, or to prove some ? theoretical point, or prove (!) how ‘wrong’ another person, or group is, I am afraid you have come to the wrong place. ☺

It is hard for me to appreciate what pleasure is derived from this activity. I have simply never wanted to do it or enjoyed doing it. I suppose when I was drinking I enjoyed being a nonconformist, and was accustomed to receiving criticism for looking nonconformist back in the day. I had always thought of myself as a bit of an ‘artist’ and so I hung around with other artists and people on the fringes of society. Perhaps now they might be seen as quite ordinary, but back then they were thought of as a bit 'out there'. They were certainly people who ! looked as though they were living on the fringes of society! In truth I had a wide range of friends from both wealthier and slum-type homes, but I was very drawn to the people who looked as though they did not fit, and who were thought of as slightly odd. Personally, I didn't find them odd at all. It was people who looked ‘normal’ that gave me the creeps or were harder to figure out.
So back in my drinking days, I thought it was incredibly shortsighted to judge people based on looks, or immediate impressions, without knowing more about their lives. I suppose what I mean is that there are two sides to every story, so I do think there is a little bit more to it than first meets the eye. So when certain people were judgemental or scathing or made assumptions about me, I just thought they were terribly unintelligent and unobservant and not nearly curious enough about these people they were putting down.

I can only guess as to why they do it, as I have not found myself doing the same, so I have ? no idea why people get so much pleasure from slagging off other people. I just don't know why people do it. I'm ? guessing there is some self-righteous satisfaction derived from declaring one's superiority at the expense of another person's. I think it's more likely that they are unaware of their superiority and self-righteousness in such moments and that's why they are carried by a wave of resentment justified by what looks like a very self-righteous motive, which blinds them to the uselessness of their anger. Gawd knows. I think most that are regularly hijacked by their anger do not ‘see’ their anger very clearly at !! all.

Don't get me wrong, I get irritated just like everybody else, but I don't ! believe my anger. Nor would I follow heedlessly the inclination to take another persons inventory or talk to them as though there was a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ position, where I held the ‘right’ position they held the ‘wrong’ position. I just don't think life is that simple, nor is life that rigid. In some cases it is possible to be very definite but usually only about the most basic elements of the programme. For instance it is generally a good idea to try and get enough sleep, to try to talk to people and eat fairly regularly in the first 90 days. Hanging around in bars isn't generally a good idea in the first 90 days. You know, stuff like that.

This guy was a sort of real-life ‘troll’. Spouting vitriol of an anti-? Something nature. I think I will have to call these people be anti-something brigade. In cyberspace we call these people trolls. But there is no ? equivalent word for a person who behaves this way in real life. So I am going to call them the anti-something brigade.

Not that it matters, but the upshot of the story is, I felt sorry for him, because there was a strong possibility that the anger he was feeling might make him drink again. So instead of ignoring him, and ending the conversation, I think I managed to succeed in showing him how this anger was ultimately unkind and inconsiderate, and that there might be an alternative interpretation rendering his perception merely relative as opposed to an absolute truth. Basically, when I left him he did not look like he was frothing at the mouth, which he did ! look like when I first started talking to him. But I have to say it was a very unpleasant conversation, and not one I particularly want to repeat regularly.
Thankfully it is very uncommon for me to be on the receiving end of bile and resentment in such large quantities. People are not usually that angry. But this guy was.
In the course of the conversation he told me that his sponsor condoned his resentment towards certain AA members and groups. I may ask his sponsor what he makes of this, and see whether there is any truth in this. As I know his sponsor, and I haven't got the impression that his sponsor thinks it's okay to hate! certain meetings or people. But who knows? I could be wrong. I'm sure if I ask I will find out…

What I'm trying to say is that life is too !!!! short to spend your time wasting your valuable mental and emotional energy is pitting yourself against a battle you cannot win. That battle being the imperfections of people places and things. And even if you DO identify a cruel and unpleasant trait in another person or another group, you are sure to find something very similar inhabiting your own consciousness, so there is no !!! moral victory. Besides, it looks terribly ! unattractive to be pre-occupied with ‘anti-something’ thoughts. You look like a ranting person. Frothing around the mouth. It doesn't look good.
Whatever. The bottom line is that I am powerless over AA members who choose to ‘contend against’ or hate each other and gossip and badmouth each other. There will always be people in AA who do this, and I will always find them terribly ! unattractive. They will not be my buddies in AA. They will not be the people I spent time with in AA. And I will never be able to stop it occurring. Basically AA has always been full of very resentful people, so it's hardly surprising that it attracts people who rant or like to prove themselves ‘right’ in some way or form. But there you go. Nothing I can do about it. I will help the occasional newcomer who looks like they are about to drink because of it, but other than that I won't be hanging around those people for very long.
God knows we all get annoyed with AA, and AA members, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t! But when this is ‘acted out’, manifesting outwardly as behaviour such as overt ? slagging off, attacking, criticising, publicly running down, bitching or badmouthing, well that’s another thing altogether. Well I think so anyway.
I choose NOT to contend with the ‘world’ a day at a time. Or to make a problem out of things, despite encountering those practicing the opposite very ! regularly.
Hey ho. Well it’s a gorgeous day over here so I’m going to go out run to the shops in the sun to pick up a few things.. See you all later..

Motive: It's not what you say. It's where you're coming from.

Hello there. Thanks for your kind comments and well wishes re study grief :) I feel a LOT !! less stressed about my crazy ol study schedule as I think I have FINALLY stumbled across a method of processing the workflow that matches the content and requirements. Phew. A method that seems to work :)
Takes me a while but I figure it out in the end. Now all I need to do is apply the strategy to all the work I have bumbled around doing so far.. Oh well. Better late than never. I had a nice little routine worked out last year which matched the requirements very nicely, but this material is much more scattered and hard to keep track of. I use my computer a LOT when I study so nearly all my work is done reading on the puter. Very little actual reading of Books. But hey. There you go. There is some catching up to do which is a bit scary, but I hope I can catch up fairly easily.

Anyway. About the heading. "It's not what you say. It's where you're coming from"

I really think that it doesn't really matter what you say, but it matters MUCH more WHY you are saying it.
Ie. What is your MOTIVE for saying that?
Ie. What is your MOTIVE for doing that?
I have found that IF YOU MEAN WELL AND YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A SINCERE DESIRE TO HELP,

"he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful"
(p18, AA Big Book)

as opposed to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED about 'what's in it for me?' when you are engaging with others, that life is INFINITELY simpler. You can make stupid errors of judgment and get it wrong, and others sense that its 'ok' because your heart is in the right place.
That's not a license to be kack-handed and heedless BTW. No. what I mean is your inevitable errors will not be taken badly by the other. But if you are just too lazy to pay attention to what you are saying, then I'm not sure this will get you off the hook :)

Btw when I say " your heart is in the right place." I mean there is NO ATTACHMENT TO ANY OUTCOME. Or as the buddhists would say .'No clinging'
Ie
you are not being a control freak
you are not trying to score points
you are not trying to wangle a friendship
you are not trying to be 'a better aa member'
you are not trying to become enlightened
you are not trying to 'do good'
you are not trying to 'get rid of your anger'

No. you are just doing what you do (being kind or nice to people) BECAUSE THAT S WHAT YOU DO. Because experience has shown you that it fosters wholesome mind states which make it easier to approach the problems life throws at you with equanimity. Or as the aa's call it 'acceptance'.

So you see. Theres no self centred/ self obsessed motive for being NICE
You just do it because the book tells you you should, and experience suggests that this approach helps you practice the principles in all your affairs.

So. Next time you hate someone
Are pissed off with someone
Are jealous of someone
Are really irritated by someone
Feel contempt for someone
Secretly hate that persons mannerisms. Or their laugh.
Hate the way they speak
Feel repulsed by them
Feel outraged by how un-spiritual' they are
Get hugely irritated by how drippy and overly-spiritual they are
Hate them because of the WRONG way they are working their programme..

Stop trying to be nice, because it doesn't work. They can tell you hate them. Really.
So go away and really ask yourself
WHAT IS MY MOTIVE FOR TALKING TO THIS PERSON?
AM I TRYING TO HELP?
WHAT EXACTLY AM I TRYING TO ACHIEVE BY TALKING TO THEM?

BE HONEST
You cant bullshit a bullshitter.

Don't think they don't know you hate em. They do.
So you would do more good if you go away and try to speak to them later WHEN YOU HAVE CALMED DOWN AND YOU ARE COMING FROM A BETTER PLACE.
Don't just say nice stuff through gritted teeth. Trust me, they KNOW how you feel.

Al I know is that my life turns to CRAP if my motive is OFF
So I check my motive if I think I am on thin ice, or coming up to a difficult bend in the road.
My motive is my protection. Provided I am willing to pay attention and go to any lengths to practice these principles in all my affairs.

That's why the first 100 members whisper in your ear on page 102..
“Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.”
(p102, AA Big Book)

See? WILL, not might. There's a BIG difference.
Its never !!!! let me down yet. Nor other old timers I knew from waaaay back when I was new.
My fave old timer used to say (bless im)

"Feeling without action is sentimentality
Action without feeling is an empty gesture"

"Service is gratitude in Action"

So yeah. Get yourself a REALLY NICE motive, and let that motive 'abide' in you when you connect with those difficult people. REALLY hang on to the motive. Nomatter HOW much they annoy you. :)

And sit back and watch the miracles happen :) hehe
Trust me. ITS ALL ABOUT THE MOTIVE
A self centered motive turns your world to CRAP
A SELF FORGETTING motive makes the world a magical place, nomatter what is happening.

So yeah. That's my experience anyway. So go out there motive-shopping and find yourself a shiny new one to practice on your guinea-pig friends. :)

BTW this is a very PRIVATE exercise
NOBODY REALLY knows what your motive is except YOU
It is INVISIBLE to the naked eye
It will NOT be evidenced by certain words or actions
It is INSIDE
It is about WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM
Its about WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL INSIDE. Do you wish them well? Do you want them to find their still centre while the world spins? Do you want them to understand that they are LOVED? That they are OK? Do you want their suffering to end? Can you empathise with their excuses and habitual negativity? Do you want them to die sober? ..thankful of the connections they made while they were alive?
THESE are the thoughts I cultivate when I want to engender a good motive.

And that's why it is such a PRIVATE and INTERIOR matter
You are looking at your INTERIOR LANDSCAPE. Nothing more.
Not really at the words
Not really at the actions. Although that doesn't mean 'be heedless'
Just keep the PRIMARY focus on WHERE YOU ARE INSIDE
Contempt? Bitterness? Tightness? Irritabilty? Jugement?
Or A SINCERE DESIRE TO HELP

"he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful"
(p18, AA Big Book)

Focus just on the interior landscape. Do you mean well? Or are you trying to punish with indifference or in a passive aggressive way by sounding like you don't really care? 'yeh whatevea'

So go on. Give it a whirl and tell me what happens :)
The tricky bit is 'holding your centre' when buffeted by outward 'unpleasant' words or behaviors.
Another nice thing is that THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS HOW PROFICIENT YOU ARE AT THIS IS !!! YOU
This is a much more PRIVATE and UNKNOWN aspect of service than making the tea' or 'setting up the meeting' (Not that there's anything wrong with making the tea..)
I like it because it is 'secret' and only I !!! know when I am doing it hehe
Plus I love watching the effect it has on people :)

So there you go. Try it. I love it. You will LOVE the effects :( its very cool. In my opinion. Plus the first 100 member seems to rate the idea too ;) and they have yet to give me a bum steer :)
Right well Im off to do some study prep. Have yourselves a fabulous Wednesday :)

FadeText: Put your favorite slogans into a screensaver on your desktop (Macs only)

This is for Macs only I'm afraid, but its freeware and I'm sure there is a PC software that does the same thing.
I found this. I love slogans but forget them easily so like to be reminded. This screensaver (if you have a Mac) is freeware, so no cost which is nice :)

Its called fadetext and you can download it from here..

Anyway hope you all are well and dealing elegantly with all the very un-elegant (!!) things that life has a habit of throwing at you :)
I'm up to my EARS in a new year of study. Different from last year. HARD!! I am in the process of figuring out how to ?? keep up with the relentless !! pile of new stuff. :)
So yeah, that's what I'm up to. Hence the silence online. When I have !!!! tons of stuff to do I don't want to go to many meetings because I feel I never have enough time to study, but I just end up getting stressed and not actually being very productive because I can't settle on any one thing. So its swings and roundabouts. The hardest thing about study is not getting freaked out by it. The subject itself isnt so bad, but the mind games are pretty relentless. It feels very overwhelming starting a pile of new material in a more demanding format.

Us AA's wear our hearts on our sleeve. We verbalize our anxieties and broadcast how difficult it seems, while most others keep all this to themselves so you get a lopsided view of how you are doing compared to everyone else. Its hard to get a handle on how you are doing in relation to everyone else and if I am doing enough.

I know enough to know that I always fear utter defeat and that this has proved to be baseless in the past, but each time it feels the same no matter how many times I get it right. My brain is hardwired to anticipate failure. I'm not sure there is a cure for this as no amount of reassurance from others or previous success seems to make any difference. Other old-timers with TONS of success have told me they feel the same..
I just have to keep on keepin on and not listen to what my head tells me, or mistake my fears and anxieties for any kind of reality, present or future.

Ie FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS

Whatever. Another ! roller-coaster of a year begins. !!!! Thank god I know enough to not listen to my head!
I seem to swing between fear that makes me very restless and concentration difficult, and complacency!! I would like to inhabit the middle ground, but until that happens, I will have to just not listen to what my head tells me :)

I have been watching videos of Ajahn Chah on Utube
to help chill me out a bit :) What a cool guy :) He looks GREAT in Videos. So free. So unfettered. There is no 'burden'. He is full of joy. Thank god for these living examples as otherwise I would have no clue ! what I was trying to achieve.. Step 11 always points me in the right direction. It gives me an example of the things I learned about in AA. Here Ajahn Chah shows me what 'happy joyous and free' looks like. This is useful as there are not nearly enough examples in the world to learn this from. BTW the video called The Buddha Comes to Sussex - Part 1 and 2 is very cool. I love monks and nuns :)

Here's a quote
Venerable Ajahn Chah "The mind of one who practises doesn't run away anywhere, it stays right there. Good, evil, happiness and unhappiness, right and wrong arise, and he knows them all. The meditator simply knows them, they don't enter his mind. That is, he has no clinging. He is simply the experiencer." - Ajahn Chah

Anyway thanks for listening and hope you have a great Tuesday :)

When everything is going wrong

There is so much drama accompanying this recession. Work, health. You name it.

I was listening to this talk called Fearless Mountain on the way home yesterday, and it is PERFECT for these recession-hit times. Amaro talks about how to accept when things fall apart, go completely wrong. He explains it so well, I really 'got it' about how the 'imperfect' IS 'perfect' just as it is. Was very refreshing. So I just thought I would mention it.
Have to head off to work, so have yourselves a ! fabulous day, even if it is riddled with events that fall short of your expectations.
Perhaps I have very low expectations?, or I have high levels of acceptance?. Either way, i tend to take all the chaos with a pinch of salt. But then I have newcomers to thank for that, as they bestow the gift of perspective (!) on my predisposition toward negativity. Gawd knows. All I know is that I find it all a bit of a laugh. Could be the running, newcomers, Amaro or service. i don't know. but it is a great privilege to feel good when so many others at work are suffering with various insecurities. Bless em.
Right I'm off.

Fearless Mountain
June 6th, 2006
Ajahn Amaro

PS. Even better! ..my wizard new diet software tells me I am a half stone lighter, so I am very happy with my ? 20 dollar investment :)

60 hour work weeks and waaay too much to do :)

This so called restful summer has turned into quite an eventful and full-up one! Trouble !! at work, unscheduled revision to remind myself of what I have learned and forgotten!, applications that would always involve a very high rate of rejection are even more so! Thankfully I have met enough people who are a lot more experienced than me in these matters to help me figure these things out. (BTW they are 'A power greater than me' in that regard.) I still find I meet MANY 'Powers greater than me' every day. Thank God.

I have been putting in a lot of hours for the last ? 6 weeks or so, and there isn't much let up. And I have been going to more meetings to reduce stress. Plus I discovered two !!!!! great pieces of diet software which means I am losing the weight I gained while spending too much time sitting reading books instead of charging about as usual. I LOVE watching the graph nosedive over the weeks :)
And I've got a whole ! pile of new stuff to do in Sept. It never ends!
so basically my life contains all the stuff that many other people are going through at the moment. Staff reductions at work, job insecurity, trying to steer into more secure jobs, and dealing with the additional demands that creates, such as learning new skills and the extra curricular study, applications, rejections and everything else :)
I am very grateful for AA at times like these, and the newcomers. It really is the pub with no beer :) It makes this demanding period much more manageable.
I better go off and make some lists! That and a good strong mug of tea!

I have a busy day in front of me :)
Have a lovely Monday!

Sexual misconduct: Sexual inappropriateness is par for the course

Fortnum and Mason Window display, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Sexual misconduct: Sexual inappropriateness is par for the course
At work
With friends
At meetings
Online
With Sponsees
Wherever

Sexual inappropriateness is par for the course and is actually quite normal if you know what I mean. Meaning I am not very surprised when I see it. I see no reason to make a big deal of it. Its human nature after all. What did you expect? Even KIDS can be inadvertently sexually inappropriate for gods sakes. Part of being a good parent is learning how to skillfully manage misplaced sexual behavior in children. Eg That some nudity or inadvertently sexual behaviors are best reserved for the privacy of ones room, as opposed to ! mealtimes. Or whatever. I'm sure you know what I mean. (Not bizarre overly sexual actions as a result of sexual abuse, just boundaries relating to nudity and physicality that kids are not aware of.)

Certainly with AA's they are very often off kilter with regard to their sexual instincts, because they are by and large compulsive creatures and so tend to keep going back to destructive behaviors again and again, thinking 'this time it will be different'. Of course this is delusional. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The area of sexual behaviors is no different. This is why SLAA is full of people who are unable to rein in their compulsive sexual acting out (affairs, casual sex etc) despite recurring damaging effects such as Hepatitis or whatever, losing significant relationships, to name but a few.

In AA this inappropriateness can take many forms. At its most extreme this will involve rape of a newcomer woman by a longer time sober AA member posing as a trusted ally to the new female.

Less extreme, a 'consensual' sexual affair with a very vulnerable new woman by a longer time sober AA member who sees the affair in an utterly different light later in recovery. This is what we call 'thirteen stepping'.

Less extreme. Sexual irresponsibility between those that are not new but are just plain compulsive. That would involve affairs and betrayal of their significant others, possibly disease and unwanted pregnancy to boot.

Next: the openly verbalized sexualization of friendship by one person which is out of step with the sexual intentions of the other. Ie one is reading this as a sexualized friendship, and the other isn't.

I am afraid to say I have heard of all these scenarios.

And last but not least, This one is not a problem as such, but one I prefer to not have to deal with. This is the NON-verbalized sexualisation of friendship by one person which is out of step with the sexual intentions of the other. Ie one is reading this as a sexualized friendship, and the other isnt.
This is very common and arises as a by product of friendships. If I find the other persons sexual interest ? 'slimy' for want of a better word, I will not make time for that person even if their words and actions contain no openly culpable act of Sexual inappropriateness. They are not at 'fault', as such. Its just I find their company a bit 'slimy', and their reasons for wanting to maintain the friendship somewhat hypocritical. Ie they have an undisclosed or unacknowledged sexual interest which is not mentioned. This is 'their stuff', and is no big deal, its just I prefer not to be around it unless I have to. To some degree there will always be sexual tension in friendships, so to bar all such interactions would mean you avoided just about everyone! We all have sexual instincts, so it is entirely a personal matter at which point one decides the EXTENT of non-verbalized sexual attention one feels comfortable with. I can find sexual interest a bit intrusive. ? Or something. I don't really analyze it. I just do what is comfortable for me.
Disclosed sexual interest is not 'slimy' in that it is open and guiltless, but I would avoid that one too as I prefer not to be pestered by inappropriate requests.
BTW having spent at least 3yrs up to my neck in study, work and other commitments, that does not mean that when I have no free time, that the cause is this! The longer you are sober the more protective you get of your free time, and I am no different. So don't assume that my absence means there is a sexual subtext behind it all :)

So there you go. The whole bandwidth of sexual ? weirdness. The stuff people try to avoid anyway...
Just get used to the idea that most are very disappointing when it comes to the way in which they manage their closest relationships with respect to their sexual instincts, and you will not be too far off. :)
Sorry to puncture your idealism of AA and human nature generally, but there you have it. Who said human nature was flattering? It isnt! Its very ego puncturing. And it stays that way no matter how long sober you are. The skill is in how you manage it, so that you do not harm others. Until you do step 8 it is hard to grasp what harming others means to any great extent.

And no, not that it matters, but I have not been involved with an AA member. Ever. The ones that appeared on my 'radar' always looked a bit too ? Crazy to me. Probably because they were. Bless em. Besides, I much prefer non alcoholics. Who knows? Perhaps I will meet an AA I feel inclined to become involved with? ..but as yet that has not happened. Not even when I was very, ! very new. Non alcoholics always seem much more appealing. Certainly a LOT more sane by comparison. To me anyway. Plus I have heard many ! horror stories of AA relationships. Far !!! more than I would have liked to..
PS This does NOT mean that I think all non-alcoholics are incapable of having mental problems. Of !! course they can. One has to use ones common sense in these matters.

Oh yes and don't assume that you have the moral high ground if you have managed to avoid various affairs, diseases and ! whatever. It is just as morally culpable to be repressed as is it is to indulge destructive behaviors. Sexual repression can be just as destructive in the long term. So no cozy moral hilltop to view this sorry mess from I'm afraid :)

Right well I'm off. I have scary written submissions to do!!
Have a fabulous Sunday. It is gorgeous over here thank god :)

Criticism and Hostility: Whose Feedback do I pay CLOSE !! attention to?

FaintOrbsJuly09, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I read about some nasty feedback someone received, started a reply, which ended up so long I though I may as well do a post. :) Here it is.

If people 'do not have what I want' I consider their feedback (good, bad or indifferent) worthless. The blind cannot see. Why credit them with insight and wisdom if their vitriol and hostility communicates VERY clearly that they have NONE. ..Well none at that moment anyway. They are merely held hostage by the transient tide of resentment sweeping over them. We all suffer from this condition to SOME extent, so the comparison is always RELATIVE. Not 'he is BAD, and I am GOOD, ..type thing. That is just BS and an lame excuse to not PAY ATTENTION to what is REALLY happening.

We are by and large very similar. In terms of the component aspects within us. How we end up depends on WHAT WE FOCUS ON. Not whether we are 'good' or 'bad' people. But yes. Someone who habitually focuses on REVENGE, POWER DRIVEN ARGUMENT, self righteousness etc etc may eventually act in criminally violent ways. But it is their BEHAVIOUR that is 'wrong', not THEM as such.
Hate the sin not the sinner, as they say

This is why I am such a strong advocate of RESTRAINT OF TONGUE AND PEN
PRECISELY because we are ALL capable of great cruelty with words.

The people who behave in a HOSTILE way, or SPEAK in a cruel manner, are telling you EIGHT things about themselves VERY !!! CLEARLY.
Why? Because actions speak MUCH LOUDER than words. Every time.

They are telling you:
1
That they have ZERO self restraint. And probably have a pretty low level of restraint UNDER EMOTIONAL PRESSURE generally. Not !!! Nice people to be around when things do NOT go their way!!

2
That they are NOT WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS to 'Practice these principles in all their affairs.'

3
That they are INCAPABLE of being OPEN MINDED

4
That they have very poor levels of WILL POWER

5
That they are VERY INCONSIDERATE because they either:
Do TOO LITTLE service work,
Or the 'service work' they do contains significant SELF SERVING or EGO MASSAGING habitual tendencies. Therefore CANNOT deliver what the big book promises IF CONDUCTED IN THE MANNER SUGGESTED in the big book.

6
They really do not understand what 'acting out' means."

7
They PROBABLY have done a pretty shoddy step 8. Ie not even remotely ! thorough.

8
They are not very good at recognizing or dealing with their resentment. This is either because the step 4 method they used was ineffective, OR they used an effective method but have stopped maintaining it by using step 10, allowing the resentment to build up to dangerous and antisocial levels.

Right well I have a ton of stuff to do so I am OFF. Have a LOVELY weekend :)

Orbs heading for the church bell tower at midnight

If you do a google image search for Orbs, you will see lots of images just like this. White round things. Some big some small. They are actually rather common and show up in photos. I was randomly photographing a church while on my way through town and a load of them showed up on my pictures. I can never see them through the viewfinder, but become visible when you see the pics properly later. Normally I don’t see them in pics I take. I’ve seen them show up on friend’s pictures. I don’t think they mean something ‘special’. I think they’re just random.
But anyway I was happy to catch some as I was making my way though town as I randomly stopped to photograph a church. I will have to go back and see if they show up at the same place every midnight. (!)
Spooky huh? Well not really. Well I don’t think so. I like them. I like having visual reminders of ? dimensions I am not able to see. I know loads of ‘stuff’ is out there but I can’t ! see it. ..I’m not sure I want to, to be honest ☺ My church pics are full of these blobs, all different sizes, but I included these ones as they were pretty dense.
It only occurred to me later that their movement is towards the bell tower which is about to strike midnight. The second picture was of a bigger one at the front of the church just as the clock bell tolled midnight. Cool.

I always say to Sponsees, ‘life gets a bit ..WEIRD (!) after step 9’, because it .!.does. But thankfully I am not scared by it. Instead I feel the old page 84 maxim..

“We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected.” (p84, AA Big Book)

..And for those of you that have not yet reached a point where you feel like that and are a bit freaked out by the pics..
“Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed.” (p102, AA Big Book)
Remember, Do good ‘stuff’ and good ‘stuff’ happens right ! back. Well that’s what I think..

I have a busy Sunday. One (apparently) very easy exam paper, another admission test paper to submit monday and a difficult 2000wd application form for monday. And its REALLY hot here.. I will just have to drink TONS of tea :)
Have a lovely Sunday !

Disappointing return to 'regular' meetings..

LondonTreeJune09, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I thought I should write because I haven't for awhile.
I'm still supposed to be doing important paperwork due end of June and July, so I feel obligated with various fairly dreary and difficult tasks. They never really go away.
I haven't looked around much for new women to sponsor, but the few I did meet did not seem too interested. Either they have sponsors or they are giggling round the under 5yrs males in AA who look like AA has become a useful resource when it comes to picking up women. Whatever. I haven't bothered to find out one way or another, but as I hear of new women getting pregnant and seeking abortions, and worse.. I generally assume that 13th stepping is alive and well across most of AA.
I'm not much good with giggly women, it has to be said. Thankfully I know just enough women who have been around longer to not have to listen to it very much.
Its a bit depressing seeing the state of AA one way or another. The people who show up in different meetings asking for money so that people will not realize they do it every week, the 13th stepping, the lax and ineffective sponsorship, and of course the low recovery rate and high relapse rate. Very depressing. My experience tells me it is avoidable if they are willing to follow suggestions you see. That's why its hard to watch.
I haven't looked very hard to be honest, but I suppose I have been attending a meeting that is mostly very new people, and the sense of misery and despair is palpable. That and the chronic dependence on relationships.
So yeah I am a bit shocked by the degree of (what I see) as 'acceptable' negativity.
Perhaps if I invest in one meeting a bit I will start to see a different side or I can try to be a positive influence on the 13th stepping, relapse rate and general levels of anguish. Who knows.
But thing is. I know the only way I will see a real and satisfying change in an individual is if I sponsor them properly. Otherwise its very piecemeal.
I am not very motivated to look for new women to reject me in favor of some low life AA bloke on the pull, but I will carry on looking.

In theory one always learns something new about oneself, but I dislike rejection as much as the next alky. And I take great offence at being labeled (wordlessly of course) as some kind of man hater, because I do not recommend relationships with men in aa. Quite wrong. Never mind. The only reason that rankles is because I have yet to meet a woman who understood what the HELL I meant by that till they go out with a reasonably sane non alcoholic. Whatever. I'm not even going to even TRY to explain that one.
But alkys are pretty sick. Pretty maudlin, negative creatures. I much prefer people without the same kind of mental illness, albeit in remission. Nah.

Anyway. It just goes to show that I am wrong even about having nothing (apparently) to say. Quelle surprise!
Being wrong is pretty ordinary. So nothing new there.

Right well the sun is shining and I am off to burn 1000 cals in the gym :)
Have a nice Tuesday out there :)

Just a hello. Nothing in particular

Just a brief hello. I have caught up on some sleep. Not enough. I have caught up with some former Sponsees. Again not enough. I hope to catch up with family sometime this week and hopefully other former Sponsees and AA members. I find my family quite needy. Energy vampires! But I can handle them in small doses. I have important courses to apply for and applications to do. A backlog of paperwork. Lots of cleaning up! And I need to resume my fairly strict diet and exercise routine. Lots to do!
I would love to spend time with some monastics, and work permitting, I will. My body and nervous system is gradually winding down from its nervous energy for the last three months.
As for AA, I haven't given it much thought. Meetings for me are "the pub with no beer" so I enjoy going just to catch up with everybody and say hello, try to be useful, drink too much coffee etc. I might do a service commitment this summer and use the weekly meeting as an opportunity to catch up with people I haven't seen for a long time.
I will go to a meeting later today where I always see people I know and is socially pleasant. My mind feels relatively blank. I have no particularly obsessive thoughts. Nothing that is stuck on repeat. My head feels very empty at the moment. There are lots of problems at work, but I have no reaction to it, same as many other people I work with, simply because none of us are worried any more. There is simply no point in being worried. There is plenty of things wrong with AA, as always, but that doesn't bother me either. I'm sure I disagree with many people on many points about how AA runs itself, but this doesn't concern me. Basically I suppose I must be feeling very equanamous.
I am looking forward to spending time with people this summer who dwarf my limited experience. I thoroughly enjoy being around my elders and betters, even if I feel very foolish. Which happens quite a lot in their company. I intend to challenge myself in other ways this summer. So I will push myself out of my comfort zone. Diet and exercise should do that, amongst other things. If a senior Lama is visiting London this summer I will try to attend, but I will have to arrange it around my work commitments.
Well I better be off. Where there is seriously gorgeous over here. Really hot! So I hope you have a lovely Monday, and perhaps I will have something more interesting to say when I get back to you :)

See you after Wednesday :)

Wow its so GREEN !! round here these days. Summer is HERE!! yaaaay.
Im just posting to say my enforced absence will be temporarily suspended as of Wednesday 27th. Cross your fingers for me for the Wednesday as that's my last scary exam. (Till next time!)
Hope you are all well :) I am sure you all are :)
I'm fine. Same ol same ol. Just less sleep, and heightened nerves. The two go rather well together as it happens..
As for AA. Haven't given it much thought. Time permitting, I will see if I can find a express-Sponsee to do steps with in the summer in double quick time. But its pure luck whether one shows up that is suitable for that sort of thing. Will be nice to catch up with you all. :) I am already drifting into holiday mode as I anticipate the reduction in workload after Wednesday. But in truth another pile of obligations show up that need attending to that I have put on the back burner. I might take a needed dharma-break and hang out with some monks/nuns. They are sooooooooooo relaxing to be around. Its like you have a MONTHS holiday in a week, or a weeks holiday in a day. Plus I just really like ! being around them. Even if I feel like a complete fool. Hehe. Its VERY !!!!!! ego puncturing, I can tell you. Still the ritual humiliation and subsequent humility will be what I call 'good uncomfortable'.
I will have to check if I have any time off work left.. Hopefully.
Right well I look forward to having some TIME do do STUFF. I have LOTS to catch up with. Oh well.

RIGHT. Must not!!!! Get distracted!!!! Back to work!! I find it VERY hard sustaining the effort to the bitter end, so I must take my leave and get back to you after Wednesday :)
Have a LOVELY Sunday :)

There's always SOME truth in criticism

There's always some truth in criticism. ..well apart from 'shape shifting reptile' !! baloney!

It is tempting to think that the more one accumulates information, and the more success one has at passing on the message of recovery to people with less experience, that the more infallible one becomes, or more impenetrable to stupid mistakes, projections, misplaced blame, and various forms of 'justified' moral superiority.

But I have found that not to be the case. One of the reasons I am intrigued by personal and moral superiority, is because I find those pitfalls are much more readily available to anybody who has successfully managed to stay sober for some time. Yes of course arrogance exists in many forms and I have met my fair share of arrogant newcomers. But I'm just saying that for those who are lucky enough to have managed to overcome a compulsion to drink for a long period of time, and also have overcome a lot of personal obstacles, then there is a very strong temptation to occupy the moral high ground when one encounters people who are clearly less able. Either because they cannot stop drinking, because they have little or no grasp of how arrogant they are.

One of the things I frequently tell Sponsees, if they follow the path of steps that way I was shown them, is that they will enjoy (as described on page 83) "a feeling of neutrality safe and protected", "the drink problem has been removed, it does not exist for them". Whilst that might not seem very impressive to a non-alcoholic, unfortunately due to the unwillingness of many AA to follow suggestions, it's not common for people to feel like that in AA recovery. I find that most members of AA that I meet do not feel as though they are "in a position of neutrality safe and protected". Because this is the case, it would be easy to feel superior in some way to these people.

It's because of this that I tell Sponsees and when they start, the they will have to work very hard in order to overcome arrogance and superiority at a later date. It's easy to feel humble when everything you do you turns to crap. It's much harder to stay humble when most of what you do succeeds. Of course not everything succeeds, that's not what I mean. What I mean is, we have a good chance at life. And things really start to work. Often for the very first time. We start getting along with our family. We start getting along with the people we work with. We start to be of real help to the people we meet. Our friends and family start relying upon us for our assistance. The people we have helped in the past, come back because the thing we passed onto them, really worked for them. And seeing all these nice things to happen is really lovely.
But none of these things make me or anybody else less prone to error, or faulty judgement. There is no critical mass of life experience or information that can shield either you or I from our own stupidity, or carelessness.
And blindness doesn't leave us simply because we did well yesterday. So basically we never get to put our feet up. Life has nasty way of reminding us when we take our eye off the ball. You snooze you lose.

So when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there may very well be some truth in it. It's highly likely I'm doing something wrong, and that I may be contributing to the problem unwittingly in some way or other. Mainly because none of us can lay claim to EVER being ENTIRELY free of error.
Of course some criticism is expressed in a way that is difficult to take on board, but that does not make the content of the criticism any less valid. Alternatively, a form of criticism may be expressed very eloquently, yet its content is utterly misplaced. The same is true of compliments. A compliment could be very skilfully expressed, yet have no basis in truth. Or a compliment could be expressed really poorly, yet reflect a real virtue of some sort.

I regularly receive criticism of some sort another from AA's I meet. Misery loves company. And if I communicate that I believe (on almost cellular level) that happiness is an inside job, that understandably ruffles some people's feathers, who haven't had the good fortune to have that experience.

"We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, even though it was once just that for very many of us"

so yeah, people get pissed off. It's the nature of the beast. I don't take it personally. I'm not saying I like it, I just don't take it personally.

Basically I'm just saying that criticism goes with the territory. Especially if the results you are getting are not very similar to that of the majority membership of AA. So long-term sobriety is in some respects can be pretty thankless. Until of course others get grips with your approach, and get to see the benefits of it first-hand. Only then, are people able to genuinely put their prejudices and reservations to one side. I think that's fairly normal. I don't think makes them difficult, obstructive, or worse in some way or other. I think I was the same. I think I only really understood how powerful a program was after I had completed the first nine steps. The longer I am sober the more I see what an extraordinarily powerful vehicle the AA program is for all kinds of self-realisation.

When I encounter criticism from Sponsees and newcomers I completely understand that they don't understand. I find it unpleasant to be on the receiving end of their negativity. It actually feels like little arrows are physically piercing me. Not nice! Quite toxic. And very draining if I stick around too long. But what I mean is, regardless of all the things I've learned, and regardless of all the experiences I have overcome, I don't assume that I'm right, or without fault, when something goes wrong. Perhaps I make too many allowances for people's genuine reservations about what I am telling them. Who knows? All I know is that that's how I feel when things go wrong. When someone reacts badly to what I'm saying. (apart from total !! crazy nutters)

But by and large I would say defensive, critical reactions are very common in AA. AA is full of touchy, restless, irritable and discontent people so it's hardly surprising people disagree in ways that are not terribly !! skilful! As you may already know from reading this blog, I have very low expectations generally of others. I don't expect people in AA to be gracious when they encounter something they don't like. I expect mudslinging and other such childish reactions. So it's hard to disappoint me by behaving childishly, but like I said before, I don't have a heart of stone, so yes I feel the consequences of attacking comments just like everybody else.

Anyway I just thought I would share that. Basically nothing is as simple or as comfortable as you would like it to be. And there is no point at which you stop questioning yourself. Anyway I better be off. I'm only doing this because I'm avoiding another task! So have a fabulous Tuesday, and I hope your weather is as nice as ours :)

Almost instant cure for RSI: The Mind/Body Prescription

Well I've been suffering from what I'm going to call "the 12 days of RSI."
I've had it in the past, and successfully used Australian bush flower essences which pretty much fixed it. Anyway, I've used the same bush flower essences that I used the last time, and thank God they worked! Phew!

But whilst I was doing a little bit of extra research on the Internet for RSI, I stumbled across what looks like a fabulous resource which pretty much sums up my interpretation of how RSI arises in the first place. I had always taken the view that it was some sort of stress arising due to an unresolved dilemma of some sort, but I particularly like the way in which it is articulated by the woman describing how she recovered using Dr Sarnos's approach.

There is a link to it here. Another related page is here. And the Amazon book page references is here. Australian bush flowers are here.

What I mean is, but I thought I had an instinctive understanding of this, but I am really impressed by the clarity and straightforward explanation provided by this interpretation of how RSI arises. So, I listened to the the online recordings which summarise the method, and have been trying to consciously implement its suggestions, and although I was feeling good already, I feel even better than I did before I listened to the audio.

The gist of it goes:
Unresolved conflicts bringing to light parts of oneself one doesn't like to acknowledge. But the tension between the view one likes to have of oneself, (I am a good caring person who makes time for other people), and the view revealed by testing circumstances, (I don't have time to take care of you and everybody else because quite frankly I have got TOO MUCH TO DO right now), create internal tension, and unless you are prepared to look at this dilemma SQUARELY in the eye, and see the UNFLATTERING truth about oneself, the body creates a CONVENIENT DISTRACTION from the daunting, unflattering issue. RSI is useful because it creates an almost total distraction, because just about every movement is affected by it. This way, you have almost 24 x 7 distraction.

The cure? Simply to remind oneself when pain arises, that the pain is a convenient fiction to distract oneself from the dilemma, and to basically go straight to the heart of the dilemma and solve that, or at the least acknowledge it. Basically, if you face the demon, then there is no need for the body to ameliorate your stress by providing you with the painful distraction.

Cool. My conflict, or cognitive dissonance to give its true name, was the conflict between,
1. being a responsible person in my family, who does whatever they can to provide solutions to family problems.
2. Having too much on my plate right now to deal with the ENERGY VAMPIRES in my family who are currently in enacting various stages of drama, in response to one family member who has cancer. their drama, my current workload, their inability to understand my lack of drama, their inability to understand the extent of my current workload, is just too much work for me to take on at this moment in time, and at some point this problem will require me to tell them so, in a way that doesn't cause them harm, or shift blame onto them, for what is essentially MY personal limits of patience and tolerance, and mental and emotional energy.

Unsurprisingly, I do not like to see myself as somebody who does not have a great deal of patience and tolerance for the demands placed upon myself because of a 'cancer drama' presenting itself to a family member. Nor do I like to see myself as somebody who has to exert almost every available ounce of energy into my current workload, in order to achieve a satisfactory result.

Helping my family, is much more exhausting than helping a newcomer. As my family are much less open and receptive to new ideas. They are very conventional. So whereas an hour helping a newcomer might invigorate me and refresh my mind, an hour trying to help my family member, is straining, frustrating, testing, seemingly intractable. Like pulling teeth basically. Yes it can be done, but it's slow arduous work. I know because I've done in the past, and I've seen gradual improvement. But that kind of work takes moment to moment, unwavering focus, in order not to drift into habitual negativity, blame, fixed ideas. The only thing I can compare it to, is like dealing with a newcomer who doesn't want to get sober, who thinks they know best, who thinks they are right, and that I am stupid. I can help newcomers who fit that description, but it's HARD work, and one has to deal with ongoing slights and undermining remarks of one sort or another which is draining.

So that's why being there for my family in a non bullshitty kind of way, takes !! work, and because I'm at a !! PARTICULARLY busy point in my workload, my mind is pretty full !! up with that right now, so I don't have mental space for a pile of other concerns, which to me seem entirely self-inflicted and avoidable. I know that they want me to be there for them in what I would call a "conventional" way. But I am more accustomed to being there for other people, in what I would call a fairly nonconventional way. When I am concerned about another human being. I feel that in some way benefits them. Some would say that was delusional, to me it is nothing more than the power of prayer. I think that ANY good thought directed towards another human being benefits them, and I don't think it matters whether you call it prayer or anything else. So I feel as though I am doing my bit, albeit not in a way that I think makes sense to them. In this way the spiritual life is a bit of a curse, because one ends up dealing with people who are not on a spiritual path who think you think you're being a complete A*SE. The answer is in the St Francis prayer where it says:

"It is better to understand, than to be understood"

(yeah I know it's not exactly the same, but that's how I remember hearing it in aa meetings) Meaning, life is a great deal simpler, when instead of trying to make everybody else understand YOUR perspective, you behave in a way, and speak in such a way, that you are sure their limited viewpoint WILL be able to understand. It's as if we are talking two COMPLETELY separate languages, and in order to be understood I have to adopt THEIR language.

Obviously, I'm no doctor, I am not saying that I think you ought to adopt the same viewpoint, I'm just telling you this is what I make it today. don't for God's sakes assume I expect you to agree with me :)
Right well much as though I would love to stay and chat!, The gym is calling :) Have a relaxing cosy Sunday wherever you happen to be :)

Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Well, after all those kind comments you alcoholic bloggers left for me in the last post, I think I'm going to have to do buy this book, and commit it entirely to memory :)
..no, seriously, this book does appeal to me, but I confess I haven't read it yet.
Its called: Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Personally, I think the ego is extraordinarily insidious. Never really goes away. Best you can do, is learn to tolerate it gracefully. Some people, do manage to have very impressive absence of? Ego. Not nearly enough unfortunately.
There is that whole, "false humility" thing, which I find a little bit distasteful. I'm not very good at tolerating it, because I find it embarrassingly transparent. If it was less obvious, then it wouldn't bug me so much. But as it is, it's sort of stands out like a sore thumb, and it's very difficult to not notice.

Also, this subject has significance for either someone with long-term sobriety, or someone with less sobriety who is able to enjoy a high standard of of emotional stability, for want of a better word. When I say emotional stability, I don't mean that they somehow experience that sort of "flat line" emotional life. What I mean is, that they don't take their emotional state personally. Meaning their relationship to their varied, unpredictable, and conflicting states, is "no big deal".
And of course, this applies to all those that by default have a confident demeanour, and a tendency towards complacency.

Personally, I find when things are going well, that's the time I'm most likely to get lazy and complacent. So success for me, is a sort of minefield. You'd be surprised how easy it is to wreck things, by just letting things slide. So, the more success you experience, the easier it is to become complacent. Well that's what I find anyway.

So, I think this book looks quite promising. There is nothing more unattractive than grandiosity. And how easy! it is to think oneself slightly better than the next man, especially when the next man is in a particularly sorry state, for one reason or another. Like someone said, "it's easy to love the lovable ones".

I must admit, I find those things I learned from having to deal with success of one sort or another, quite interesting. Because so much of my life before was about failure after failure. So, I never really had to learn how to be responsible when good things came my way. Now I am in a fortunate position in many ways, life is a lot better than it was. I have more luck than I deserve. And yes, in this impermanent world, nothing is certain. "This too shall pass". The good things pass, and the bad things pass. But in the past all I had was lots of bad things. At least, that's the way it seemed. I daresay I have a slanted perception of my past, so they that may not be entirely accurate! But yes I became very good at different forms of crisis management. Whereas now, my challenge is to maintain the good things, so that I do not allow them to slip through my fingers. Nor hold on to them so tightly, that I squeeze the life out of them. And this is an entirely new lesson. For me.

So anyway, it I just thought I would mention this book, because us alcoholics are a bit ! weak on the ego front. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be uniquely awful. ..So much so that we are 'special and different', in a worse way, than other aa's. Which is bull.

Right I'm off. And thank you so much for your kind comments on my birthday. If I'm honest, compliments make me slightly uncomfortable, As I subscribe more to the Kipling review of criticism and compliments From be poem called if

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

Meaning I think of both criticism and compliments as imposters. Because neither of them tell the whole story. And no matter how nice the thing you are telling me is, I know that there is another side to that. And that feeling never really leaves me, so on the one hand it is only polite to say thank you, but I don't feel as though I am a better person because I have those compliments. the nagging reality of my varied nature is all too apparent, unfortunately. I don't mean that in a disparaging sense, because I wholeheartedly believe that all humans contains shades of light and dark, so when I say that, it has no 'good' or 'bad' meaning. it's like saying 'I am just like you'. So there is no sense of shame or criticism, for me when I think those thoughts.

One thing I like about long-term sobriety, if that every now and again, life pulls you up short, in no uncertain terms, and lets you know absolutely that you don't know everything. So I kind of know that a moment that feels just like that, lies ahead. And that's why it easier to not take success or failure personally, and to see it all as shades of experience. Neither good nor bad. Right or wrong.

There I go again. I had every intention of writing a very short post. Just mentioning the book and the author and leaving it at that. Typical.
Well have a fabulous day, wherever you are :)

Happy New Year :) 22yrs tomorrow! And Cainer says you can cast positive resolutions in concrete tonight.

http://www.icq.com/img/friendship/static/card_16961_rs.swf
HAPPY NEW YEAR e card

Right. Yeah, another ! year on the sober block, as opposed to up some alcoholic creek without a paddle. Hehehe A creek I got to know ALL too well before I decided to take the advice of some friendly alcohol counselors and put the drinking on hold and go to aa meetings. Cool. Now all I need to do is maintain (what I consider to be) a respectably low fat percentage, then I will have !! everything! ...Just kidding.. But yeah its always work staying the weight you want to be. There are "no days off" with that one either! Shame! I have to undo the December excesses. Oh well.

More importantly. Cainer says your thoughts will become things that STICK this new year. Enabling you to cast a positive resolution in concrete. So to speak. Great!

Cainer said yesterday:
Tomorrow brings the awkward convergence of an earthly tradition and a cosmic apparition. Normally, New Year’s Eves come and go without too much fuss. We celebrate. We sing. We make our resolutions then we carry on. But what if some heavenly force were secretly listening in to our every vow, offering full celestial support in ensuring those promises were completely carried out? Tomorrow night, Saturn turns stationary. Such conditions favour those who wish to make a decision and ‘cast it in concrete’ so that it can never be changed. Be very careful not to make a ‘negative’ resolution.
And today he said:
It’s rare to have New Year with a stationary Saturn. Resolutions made under this cosmic climate will prove particularly powerful and unnervingly easy to keep!

Hehe I know what resolutions I want this year.
There are study ones, career ones, fat percentage ones, gym ones, and nearest and dearest ones. Loads! So I am getting busy formulating my desired destinations in my mind today to garner momentum and staying power from the freakishly rare unmoving hulk of Saturn. Cool.

So I hope you all have a peaceful new year and for those of you that are newer to sobriety, don't suffer to much from peer pressure that convinces you that you OUGHT to be doing ?? Something expensive overcrowded and unfunny, just because you feel imposed upon by ? nameless social conventions. Life is too !! short. Do whatever you fancy and don't feel guilty about it. If you don't want to stand for 40mins in a !! freezing queue to get in to some sort of 'exclusive' club only to find it full of lurching unintelligible alcohol sodden, or 'wired' people functioning only on the most reduced limbic brain state, well, you will be glad !! to hear that you ! don't ! have ! to! Thank god. Leave that 'luxury' to the active alcoholics, and THEY can pay 50 quid to stand in an overcrowded bar with slightly overweight red faced lurching individuals who have difficulty forming sentences. :) Trust me, you'll meet a MUCH nicer bunch in the gym. Or basically ! anywhere where the main form of entertainment is NOT being anesthetized, and out of control. Basically. Hehe

Right well you can tell how much I enjoy the company of active alcoholics on their home turf. Not much basically. They are bearable when they are sober but get repetitive and dull after a few so I make my excuses and leave when their social skills get clumsy which sadly can happen quite quickly. I manage to enjoy those sorts of occasions by just seeing what I can do for others while I'm there. Without being a doormat that is. As there are plenty of awkward ! social moment due to the disihibiting affects of alcohol, there are plenty of opportunities for service to change the subject quickly and gloss things over in a social sense.
There are loads of AA new years nights here if you like that kind of thing. They can be quite sweet. Like a wedding disco or something. A wide mix of people catching up with each other, throwing a few shapes, and not taking themselves too seriously.
Plus they have seriously great fireworks by the river and millennium wheel over here, and smaller displays all over. If you can bear the cold!

Or, you can enter the new year with 5 - 20 mins of meditation.
Ajahn Chah used to say, "If you want to change the world learn to make your mind still. To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."

Brahmavihara Meditation (Boundless Equanimity, Love, Appreciative Joy and Compassion) - mp3, 20mins
http://tinyurl.com/brahmavihara
World Peace Meditation - mp3, 15mins
http://tinyurl.com/7enoj9
You can use any of these to enter the new year meditating...or simply sit in receptive silence.
As part of the meditation session it will be good to focus loving, peaceful thoughts to the troubled regions in our world today.
"Khanti paramam tapo titikha"
Patient endurance is the supreme austerity.
Wishing you an equanimous new year.

Right. Gym. Essays.
Have a good one, whatever you do :)

Increased sensitivity toward others AND acceptance means: "It hurts you more but it bothers you less"

On a relative level, it hurts you MORE. On an absolute level, it bothers you LESS
"There is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely." Quote at 6.15 of the video.

This is like a master class on emotional intelligence by Ken Wilber. Bless im.
This is for those of you that tend to get steamrollered by your emotions or fear that life will tear you apart unless you close your eyes to the suffering in the world. Ken has a very good explanation as to how more advanced practitioners view that ongoing tension.

My words:
Firstly. He distinguishes between what he calls RELATIVE reality, and ABSOLUTE reality.
Lets call the relative reality the ? world. 'People places and things', such as emotions, patterns of the mind. Al the emotional and mental 'traffic' we experience.

Then lets call the ABSOLUTE reality ? ..God, HP the power of AA as a whole. ? Whatever. Just something beyond the daily push and pull. Doesn't really matter what you call it. Its that place that feels ? beyond the surface of things. ? ..Gawd knows what it is, but it is beyond people, places and things. Including the capacity of the thinking mind.

In retrospect, I think this ? 'dual' reality he describes, of both a 'relative' and 'absolute' nature, (Buddhists call it 'conditioned' and 'unconditioned' reality, but it doesn't really matter what you call it) is the thing I was ! trying to describe in the July 2007 post called: The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether' And another Dec 2006 post called: A strange 'dual' mind space shared by myself and my Sponsees. (And their Sponsees)

Anyway. regarding RELATIVE reality: Ken says at 5.06 of the video:
"The more awakened you become, the more INVOLVED you become, the more you actually FEEL, and the more painful it becomes. So the pain increases. (So do the positive emotions BTW.)
You become SO sensitive you can feel EVERYTHING that's arising for everybody. All that becomes something that you TASTE and you FEEL CONSTANTLY.

He then says at 6.03 of the video:
"On the ABSOLUTE side, it bothers you LESS.
So there is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely.

We have to give ourselves PLENTY of room to feel BOTH:
The ABSOLUTE PERFECTION in everything that arises.
..And yet see ONE person starving and you will start crying so hard it will kill you.
And if you are not doing BOTH, you are doing something WRONG."

My words:
AA's learn to see 'perfection' in this way by developing the spiritual principle of Acceptance p417 of the Big book
""When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some FACT of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I ACCEPT that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

NOTHING, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
(p417, AA Big Book) you can view the story this comes from called "Acceptance was the answer" here

*Apologies for the music on this vid BTW. Hey i didn't choose it!!.. but hey never mind.. :)

There is another ongoing tension with emotions between REPRESSION and INDULGENCE. But that's another post.
There are plenty of other Ken Wilber vids on Utube. Plus he has a website if you are interested..

Which 'race' are you when push comes to shove? The decent or indecent man?

"From all this we may learn that there are two races of men in this world, but only these two-the '"race" of the decent man and the "race" of the indecent man. Both are found everywhere, they penetrate into all groups of society. No group consists entirely of decent or indecent people. In this sense no group is of pure race and therefore one occasionally found a decent fellow among the camp guards."
p94 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Viktor E. Frankl was a therapist who was in the concentration camps. Its a very dignified exposition of the beauty of the human spirit and what makes us 'good' and 'bad'. Riveting. Fascinating.

LOVE this book. Very short very readable.

Some prisoners when their backs were against the wall became horribly ruthless and cruel in order to survive at !!!! any price. Others maintained their dignity despite the ravages of the situation and would offer their last piece of bread to another in the most frightful and despairing circumstances.
So you see. We CHOOSE the next right thing (moral restraint and impulse control) or giving in to our reptilian survival impulses, oblivious to the next man. Heedlessly following the instinctual, habitual path of least resistance. Which one would you like to be?

"Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted as wrongly as you are about to act now!"
p114 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

I realized that I do the above without realizing when I speak to newcomers or sponsor people. I easily see the fork ahead in the road leading to an alternate destination were I to NOT explain to them how to dig themselves out of the hole. It is what motivates me to pass it on. The !!!! carnage and destruction down road B motivates me to TRY to educate them to travel down road A. so yeah I like this maxim.

..and describing a talk he gave his fellow prisoners after a !!! bleak and awful day:
"I asked the poor creatures listening to me attentively in the darkness of the hut (reminds me of Bill Wilson talking gravely to the assembled huddle of alcoholics in his kitchen) to face up to the seriousness of our position. They must not lose hope but must keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of our struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning. I said that someone looks down on each of us in difficult hours-a frind, a wife, somebody alive or dead, or a God-and he would not expect us to disappoint him. He would hope to find us suffering proudly -not miserably....................The purpose of my words was to find a full meaning in our life, then and there, in that hut, and in that practically hopeless situation. I saw that my efforts had been successful. When the electric bulb flared up again, I saw the miserable figures of my friends limping toward me to think me with tears in their eyes."
p91 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Fantastic book. Go get it. Takes an afternoon to read.
Have a fabulous Thursday!

I am oblivious to xmas so far. Just concentrating on study at the moment. Trust me. "Its just another day". Really. "There are no big deals" and all that. Hehe but I !! LOVE swerving all the seasonal palaver. Social ritual seems utterly meaningless to me. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye" as they say.

Outward stuff is just 'stuff'. So I am not terribly interested in it. I try to make sure I have no ketchup stains on my shirt (heheh) and all that, but above and beyond presentation (for the purposes of being considerate), my interest in plumage and ? nest building is a big fat zero. Hehe
So yeah do all that stuff if you REALLY want to but Im telling you it means NOTHING to me. Absolutely nothing. Kindness never goes out of fashion, but the palaver and running around I can do without.

Right gotta go.!!! Mind your head! :) Especially if you are in your first year. (Because it's nearly xmas and people tend to go a bit mad if they are not vigilant)

Buy half price vitamins in November and December

Because they are FULL price in January.
I bought about a years worth of super !! high quality vitamins today at half price. I remembered that this time of year is a GREAT time to buy cheap vitamins as everyone is waaay too busy buying mince pies and things that make you fat. So yeah. Now's a good time. Just thought id mention that.
But who knows perhaps they will be cheap all year due to the economics? Gawd knows.
Whatever. Just thought I would share that.

AA is not a social club: Friendship in AA is a bonus, not a given.

Firstly let me say I DO know people in AA that are real friends and whose friendship I do value. What I mean here is that I do not use AA as a social club.
I do not go there to 'take', I go to 'give' and therefore "perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because I want to 'survive the certain trials and low spots ahead" (p15, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because the big book tells me it is "imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead" (p14, AA Big Book)
So yeah. Meetings are for doing SERVICE.
Everything else is secondary.

So
12 step meetings are for doing service. Not for making friends. As such. Would you look to make friends from people in a psychiatric ward? We are here because we have a VERY serious mental illness, of which one of the symptoms is a devastating recurring blind spot that conveniently forgets "the suffering and humiliation" (p24, AA Big Book) of past drinking. Amongst other things.

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24, AA Big Book)
Even though we "vaguely sense I was not being any too smart," (p36, AA Big Book)
We have the "curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink." (p37, AA Big Book)
So basically we are a pretty !! mad bunch. In SIGNIFICANT ways. Not minor ones.
Our blind spots are life threatening, until we rid ourselves of this "curious mental phenomenon" (p37, AA Big Book) by completing the first nine steps with the help of a competent sponsor. And keeping it in remission with steps 10 11 and 12.

Most are preoccupied with self. Few seriously think of others. We are all different. It takes ages to teach people how to think of others. 12 step progs can provide a great excuse to become terribly self absorbed whilst deluding oneself that one is a spiritual giant. Easy to do!

I look for friends outside AA mostly, and if friendship occurs in AA I see it as a bonus. Sponsees are good friends as they understand me better than most regardless of how little I see them or speak to them. (more like ex Sponsees at the moment as I am waaay to busy to sponsor at the mo)

I have found face to face is not necessary for friendship and support, but yes we are social animals and we tend to perform worse without the pressures and conflicts social interaction provide. Without these rough spots, we never grow tolerance patience or acceptance.
I find I need time spent being sociable with friends less and less, as I feel connected to them all the time anyway. But yes I need social stimulation to function well.

So I like being around others because I learn from them and am supported by them. But friendship and support comes from absent friends too. People who are not 'in the building'. Books can be friends. Books can be teachers.
Active imagination can feel as real to me as people are. Sometimes feels more real than physical presence. So I can get support without the other needing to be in the building. So to speak.

As regards general friendship. It is the norm that whomever instigates social functions inevitably deals with reluctance and flakiness from those they invite and organize for.
If you are naturally thoughtful of others, be grateful for this natural orientation of the mind that you possess, but do not expect to find it often in others. Do not think people feel and think the same as you and get surprised when you find out they are not. That would be a great recipe for disillusionment. You would be falling prey to Idealism.

My home group was very ? Girl guide aa. Meaning we did it by the book. Were very morally/ethically restrained. In the same way you might expect a paid professional to be. Restraint of tongue and pen. Etc. (Step 10 12x12) a basic ethics principle of 'do onto others as you would.."

10th step 12x12
“Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.”

Most meetings do not work from a basic ethics principle of "Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97, AA Big Book) or "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)
so yeah, people can be very flaky and unreliable.
In the main, my home group members could be relied upon absolutely as they were expected to be in 'service mode' ! constantly. It just went with the territory. Service, service and !!! more service!!!!
"the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles* in all my affairs" (p14, AA Big Book)
*The principle here refers to: "to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book) and "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)

So. For finding people who are capable of being good friends in AA, it is always a good idea to find the MOST SERVICE ORIENTATED members and meetings in your area that you can find, as they tend by and large to be more reliable and considerate than others. Stick with the winners as best you can. Principles before personalities*. Just go to where there is most recovery, and don't get sidetracked by other social trends such as similar background or other considerations.

*(Tradition 12: "ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities.")

So if you want friends that better meet your needs I suggest:
Ask your HP to guide you to the people, places and things that support your spiritual growth the MOST.
And ask for the KNOWLEDGE and POWER to carry out that journey. No matter WHERE it takes you.
"praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Step 11. (p59, AA Big Book)
Then do the footwork. You paddle. God steers.

Cool huh? Scary as well. But that's what growing up is about. We never know where we will end up..
TRUE open mindedness is not for the faint hearted!

Hey gotta go. Have a great Tuesday!!

Attending AA Meetings in Second Life

Second life is a virtual world and here is their website.

Here is a pic of the 12 Step Recovery Meeting Hall. Inset is the interior and the sunset pic is an example of a more ! attractive environment one could create as a meeting venue. Meaning the range of options is !!! limitless and this recovery hall looks a little ! Spartan. The meeting could be held in space, in a jungle, anywhere ! really. Gawd knows. Perhaps a more 'plain' one is better.. ? No idea.
Anyway:
To set up a 12 step meeting.
Figure out a weekly time that suits you.
Then IM Spike Willard to request a schedule weekly meeting.
That's it. Job done.

Or else just show up at the same time after you tell your mates in SL.
Or set up your own meeting hall. Even better!

I had a look at second life and immediately saw !!! Loads of stuff that hadn't been added yet and immediately wanted to create about a !! dozen environments.
Typical!
Anyway. This is only the online version of 'cleaning under the cooker' when a more !!! onerous task presents itself. Of which right now I have MANY :)
A pointless distraction basically.

But yeah. Its interesting, but I imagine it's use will reflect the web trend of being led primarily by po*n and sexual activity. But hey, just like the web has done, beter things will piggy back on that online trend and eventually environments will emerge that appeal to our vastly superior (Yeah right!) Tastes!! :)

So yeah. Go waste even MORE time than you already do on the net by sorting yourself out some Avatar and waste MASSES of time being a tourist in virtual environments. Hehe
There is a bog standard naff looking avatar you can get upon registration, but it should do. First name is the interesting. Second name is predesignated. Ie so a bit naff. But first name is whatever you like to call oneself.

So there you go. Just thought I would share that with you :)

Like any new medium I advise being a tourist and hanging around before you commit to anything. But that's just me. I always prefer to err on the side of caution.

But seriously there is a TON of stuff I would love to set up but my free time is a bit too thin on the ground right now so I figured I would put the idea out there for all you guys to jump on in your inimitably enthusiastic ! alcoholic fashion. ...If you ? fancy it anyway. Or just to mull over.
I don't use online meetings as typing takes far too long and I don't feel the urge to take part. SL meetings offer you the option to talk as well as type. So the time wasting part of typing can be avoided. Whatever. Other people could eavesdrop though unless you restrict access to the meeting space. Also there may be audio controls you can implement which will restrict who can overhear spoken conversations. I'm sure it's all doable though, if you can be ! bothered figuring it all out. So yeah privacy issues may be relevant. Anonymity as well. Obviously. So yeah there is stuff to figure out. But im sure you tech heads will figure it out in a heartbeat. :)
There are tools online (including the HStick - Proximity Scanner) that allow you to detect the presence of other visitors to your site
Hehe Go shopping crazy in onrez.com and go buy yourself a castle as a venue :)
If you LOVE shopping you may find Second Life very !! addictive Im afraid!

So there you go.
Right I'm off!
Too much stuff to do! Oh well
Doesn't help that I'm sat here instead of getting on with it!
Have a gorgeous Tuesday! :)

Happy Joyous and Free: Inspirational Speech by Dr. Randy Pausch

This is great if you haven't already seen it. There are many entries on you tube and the full length final speech is also on there.
I really like his approach.
No victim mentality.
Fun. Enthusiasm. "We insist upon enjoying life" What that means...being "Happy joyous and Free"
The love inherent in constructive criticism.
Loads !! really. Its a great lecture. This is the short 10min version he did on Oprah. Hope you like :)

Andrew at The 4th Avenue Blues is precisely ONE YEAR sober today

Andrew at The 4th Avenue Blues is precisely ONE YEAR sober today.
I have been watching him deal with all manner of difficult circumstances and am terribly !!! happy to see that he has accomplished one years recovery a day at a time. I find him particularly generous hearted and totally without arrogance or unkindness, except unconsciously toward himself in the form of self doubt and deprecation.
What a lovely guy! He has come an ! astonishingly long way in the last 365 days and is an example to all of us, that presuppose our life circumstances mean we cannot get well using the programme of recovery.
His recovery inspires me and I am profoundly happy to see how differently he relates to his family and the world since he realized drinking was no longer working for him. His steady improvement is wildly impressive.

His kindness and generosity literally shine out of what he writes, but I know he cannot see these things anything like as clearly as others are able to see them in him. I look forward to the day when he is better able to see what a worthwhile, inspirational, kind and compassionate human being he truly is.
Ah bless. So go wish him happy aa anniversary if you feel so inclined. :)

Well !! done !! Andrew. Happy AA Anniversary!!!!!
There are PLENTY more of those anniversaries available to you, a day at a time. Virtual cake and streamers your way!
Keep coming back Friend. It gets better.

'Unlocated': Distresses and exasperates the thinking mind.

St Paul's Cathedral shrouded in thick (pea soup) fog one Saturday 6.15am, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Unlocated.
That's my favorite word of the day. Something that defies ? Location. Cannot specify its boundaries. Does not have a 'postcode'. Like no beginning and no end. Doesn't start 'here' and end 'there'.
Cant be grasped by the mind. Cannot be held. Cannot be possessed. Defies being 'pinned down' to a specific meaning or place in the world.
Feels slippery in the mind. And makes the mind flail around getting more and more upset as its limited range of function cannot 'get' it. Very upsetting for the mind. Very frustrating.
Cannot be encapsulated by a neat mental code or description. Just when you think you've got it you haven't. Like trying to capture a butterfly in your hand. The moment you exert yourself to contain it, the moment vanishes and the butterfly is squashed by the act of grasping.
Its like walking a rope but forcing yourself not to look down. You deprive yourself of the opportunity to get a 'fix' on your location. And you STAY that way. Free floating unlocated undefined experience. Scary!

I think the first time AA's get this type of experience is when they try to define a higher power. ..Well once they have settled into AA and start trying to think about what an HP actually is.
When people are new they tend to be very !!! confident about whatever their belief happens to be. That there IS a god, or there is NO god, or that they are an ATHEIST. Basically its all very neat and tidy. All sorted. Even if they are undecided they are very confident about the fact that they are undecided. Full of confidence in their beliefs basically.

The 'HP' defies definition. And so the act of mentally trying to define it will exasperate the mind, and always have an unfinished quality. Something lacking. Something not yet located.
This is what Amaro calls unlocated, and he often refers to this term when he talks about things.
I have the same experience when I (!) try to understand monastics or the like. I get the same slippery exasperating, unfinished quality of mind in their presence.

The pathetic hankering of the mind to satisfy it's need to DEFINE everything and create boundaries for every experience makes me laugh. Its pathetic really. Such an inadequate attempt to nail down some thing that cannot be nailed down. Reminds me of a cat pathetically pawing at the door trying to get in. kind of feeble. Gets the mind nowhere. Just an instinctive ITCH (what Amaro would call the grasping mind) to get an answer. To define and categorize everything.

Being around unlocated people is weird too. I get that feeling around monks and nuns and the like. They are neither one thing nor the other. They are neither here nor there. You cannot nail em down. They !!!!! confuse the brain. Thankfully they also create something whilst in their presence that reassures sufficiently so as to not create a sense of !! total flailing. There is a parallel experience of 'all is well' in addition to the unlocated presence they emanate.

Every now and again I (stupidly) think I can second guess these kinds of people. I try really hard to guess what they will reply to questions and answers sessions for instance. What I LOVE about them, is that they never say what I anticipate. Which is great.

An example of just how valuable this quality is, is to examine its polar opposite. (This is just an idea and may be worthless BTW). But we all have got to know a troll who posts abusive hate speech about AA in defiance of the regulations Blogger and google imposes upon such acts.
But that's beside the point. What's very interesting is how 'located' his thought forms are. There is nothing inherent in his statements that renders uncertainty in any form. All is certain. All is 'placed'. All is nailed down.
Well I don't think you can nail the universe down. Or any of its constituent elements. There are many clues in his speech which point to greed hatred and delusion, so I'm not claiming to have stumbled upon anything particularly clever here. I'm just saying that the 'fixed position' is the opposite of 'unlocated'.
And that I do not trust any kind of fixed position. I see the exception to the rule, splintering the validity of the 'rule'.
But there you go. Open minded versus fixed closed positions on the world. Nothing new there. But yeah I am in love with the word 'unlocated' at the moment. It is helping me see where I would like my mind to be, and to teach me to learn how to endure the distress in the mind when all attempts to categories and name 'it', fail.
But there you go.

Hehe. Anyway. That's today's pointless meanderings. Like I always say. Amaro say it much, much better than I ever could, and manages mot to sound like a pompous fool when he says them. So if any of this piques your curiosity, then listen to how he explains it in his mp3's. He's very, very good. Well I think so..

And I hope you americans manage to do the 'next right thing' when you vote today. Which I hope you will. I am sure I need not remind you of the voting conditions that led to the last US president being voted in. Basically ALL the votes would appear to count after all, if the last election is anything to go by.
My favorite old timer used to say "Ask yourself.. Which is the most COMPASSIONATE person/party? ..when deciding who to vote for" which I found useful.
We may not have an ideal person or party to vote for, but the least we can do is vote for the lousy best out there and see what happens. If we wait for ideal conditions, we will be waiting a Loooonnng!!!! time! So please follow your conscience and express your right to choose the lousy best out there. It may help or it may not, but you just never !!!!! know. No harm in trying.
So yes, good luck to all you ! anxious americans out there. Hope your nerves are not too shattered. :) Good luck!
Anyway. I'm off. I have essays to write :) as usual! Have yourselves a grand old Tuesday.

Life is a lot more like Vanilla Sky than you would think

Vanilla sky is about a man who is experiencing a nightmare which he believes is his real life until he is FORCED to examine his experience more carefully because of 'pain and unremitting suffering'.
Admittedly. His experience is a bit trippy at times. One person changes into another for instance. So we won't experience it in quite this (!) dramatic way. But yeah. He is dreaming. But he doesn't know it.
The nightmare gets his attention, and he struggles with familiar unconscious parts of himself (the therapist and old friend) in his attempt to make sense of the predicament he finds himself in.

More importantly the film VERY ACCURATELY shows how the TINIEST act can literally pull the whole thing apart.
Not just a mediocre of average thing.
But a SERIOUSLY GREAT, seemingly bullet proof thing.
Yes. I'm afraid that's a reality we are ALL capable of experiencing. At one year sober or 50 years sober. Our flaws and lack of judgment, or innocent oversight can pull everything down around our ears. Everything.

Basically its a lesson in cause and effect, impermanence, (that everything can disappear in a moment) and the maxim, 'you snooze you lose'. Very painfully illustrated by the devastating effect of Toms momentary decision to take a short car ride with Cameron.
Yeah I know its a very theatrical scene in the sense that Cameron acts like a !! total loon in the car, but even if we do not meet total loonys, we can STILL fall foul of poor choices that REALLY land us in it. They can be VERY SMALL and SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT choices. And in their isolated sense, they probably are.
But in regard to the knock on effect down the line. They are NOT.
And that is how the world IS im afraid.
You would become TOTALLY paranoid about the smallest acts if you knew how tragic events trail back to insignificant sources. So its just as well we cannot see the causal links so clearly.
Anyway. I digress. As usual.

But yeah. Life is like vanilla sky. It really is. More so than you realize.
Its a great undiscovered film. Nobody realizes what a great metaphor it is.
Very accurate in a lot of ways.

For those of you that routinely experience the metal tape loop of

"when anyone said they liked me I used to think one of two things.
They were either LYING
Or they were STUPID"

(And I count myself among one of the people that experience that particular mental tape loop of destructive self loathing)
Then the TOTAL MISJUDGEMENT of the love that Toms character HAD during his life THAT HE HAD NO CLUE EXISTED
Is a valuable and VERY HUMBLING lesson.

Yes we are VERY OFTEN oblivious to the love and concern that others REALLY have for us.
That's why we look to ? 'feed' off of other fixes. Food. Tv, anything really to absorb into as an 'out', a way of running away from what Amaro calls 'the craving mind' (Tahana) or the hungry ghost as other call it.

Anyway. In his (Toms) despair, he DOES NOT SEE Penelope's love, or his friends love. He is oblivious to the GOOD people in his life. He FAILS to notice them because he is in pain and cannot see the wood for the trees. But unless you really PRACTICE gratitude and ACTIVELY LOOK for the GOOD people and GOOD things in your life, then YOU TOO will miss these wonderful people in your life. They are there already! You just forget to keep looking out for them! Thank god. We all have SOMEBODY who looks out (of HAS looked out for us). Well I think so. Even if we cannot see them. I am sure they are there.

Anyway I digress yet again.
What im saying is that this film is a fantastic illustration of how we unconsciously 'dream' our existence into being, and how the tiniest acts can destroy or save us. How we do not notice the love around us, and how we GET IT WRONG. ALL. THE. TIME.
Even if we are 'nice people'
Even if we 'mean well'
Even when we 'try hard'
Even when we 'do our best'

So yes we are pretty much at the mercy of our habitual thinking, and view of the world. Every (!!) act and thought counts. You snooze you lose. And sometimes you can lose everything on a dime. The tiniest thing.

Is it any wonder that it is so essential to connect with something greater than ourselves?
To 'move toward and become like' something greater than ourselves in order to make sense of the impeccable complexity partnered with utter simplicity? How in !! Gawds name are we supposed to make ANY sense of it all without that?
I have no idea.
Thank god the ? 'heart wisdom' is infinitely more expansive than the mind and can hold dozens of contradictions in place and STILL see the wood for the trees.
Complicated and simple at the same time. And the faultless infinite complexity need not be a problem. Just a feature of the landscape. Just another 'thing' in the mix.

So yes. The mind just doesn't have a strong enough 'engine' to get you there. Whereas the heart is like some sort of ? portal. A gateway into the world the mind simply cannot see. A landscape that sees all. Can hold it all.

Yes it means dropping the thinking mind temporarily. Which can throw you into BLIND PANIC if the only way you have ever ! Tried to make sense of the world is by being able to frame it in some cozy little mental box of classifications.
But yeah. If you can stand the SQIRMING mind bleating in the background because it can't 'fit' the experience into a neat little box,
AND you can resist the urge to let the mind gallop off like a dog with a stick the !! moment it sees a juicy morsel to THINK about, then you might !! just be able to enjoy a nice moment of what sogyal rinpoche calls Just BE (ing)

Whatever
I have no idea why I decided to type all that.
What I MEANT to say was, Vanilla Sky is a GREAT film and works on MANY levels. All true. So watch it a few times and see what you think.

Imagine (for one horror stricken moment,) that the 'story', might not be such a 'story' after all. But more real than most of the stuff you think of as your daily reality.
Now THAT'S a scary thought. But I am afraid to say I see a lot of reality in that film. Not all of it. But a lot more than you see in most. Which IS scary I suppose.
But never mind eh.
We just do our lousy best and try to stay in (reasonably) fit spiritual condition.
That's all we can do really. Seeing as how we see through the (god dammed) glass SO !!! darkly. Its like we don't really have much choice!

The OTHER great thing about this film, is that it is an accurate reflection of the inherent UNREALITY of the 'nightmare'. is that the nightmare is JUST THAT. A nightmare. Its an illusion. A 'seeming' as Amaro calls it. Important only insofar as to our need to RECOGNIZE it for what it is so that it becomes transparent to us, as opposed to this large looming chunk of reality staring at us. It is not 'real'.
The good news? Like some monk said.. IT IS ALL. ALL. RIGHT. Yet at the same time we are required to be aware of this subtle trick of the mind in order to not be consumed by it. Easy to say. Hard to do.
So there you go. A vaguely cheery note to end on. :)

Heheh
Whatever.
Sorry for rambling on.
It just once I start I cant stop :)

Right Id better go do some mundane household stuff. Go clean the bathroom and put some laundry on.
Same ol same ol basically.

BTW I am tempted to put a ? warning disclaimer on some of these posts because they are not ? Quite what I normally put here, and I am just kindof typing the first thing that comes into my head. So please do not feel that you have to agree with me or like it. Or anything really. Im just thinking out loud. And I may have got it wrong as I am not used to writing about this. So forgive me if I am sounding a bit cr*p. Im afraid its jus one of those things. Its VERY easy (unfortunately) to sound like a bit f a tw*t when you talk about these things, so you will just have to bear with me while I figure out (if ever!) how to write about ? this type of thing without sounding like a grandiose loon. It aint easy!

Hehe. Right off to tackle the bathroom with a strong cup of tea!

In the meantime, have a great Sunday! I on the other hand.. Have some serious cleaning up to do! Hey ho. Amaros 'zen bliss' (a my sister calls it) will keep me amused in the background!

Compassion for the 'enemy': The 114yr old monk who stayed alive to protect his attackers karma

At 35mins into the downloadable mp3 of the talk by Amaro called Listening to the mind there is a cool story which I thought I would share about having compassion for ones enemies. It sort of goes like this. Its a true story but I cant make out the spelling of the monks name. Amaro will know, but I haven't emailed nim to ask.

The true story of great master (cannot tell spelling from audio which is a shame) Siu yung.who at the age of 114 was attacked by the red guard.
He restored monasteries that were being destroyed by the communist party. He was so influential and so loved in china that at the time of the communist revolution the red guard came round and beat him up when he was 114 years old. They beat him with wooden clubs and left him for dead. Broken and bleeding. But he survived. He didn't die.
His fellow monastic took care of him, looked after him and were amazed at his strength and his resilience and he recovered.
Some weeks later the red guard found out he was still alive and they went back and beat him up again with steel bars. Broke his bones, and bust his head and he was incredibly injured. And everyone was sure he was going to die.
He was Incredibly hurt and was in incredible pain. And even his disciples, who loved him dearly, thought, "even though he'd been so injured and so hurt, the great master isn't dying. It must be out of compassion for us, that he's holding on, because he knows how upset we'll be if he passes away.
So they said to him. 'please, don't just hang on to life. Your bones are all broken, your organs are smashed, you're in such terrible pain. Please don't hold on to life just because you think that we will be upset if you pass away. If its time for you to die. Please don't just hang on to life for our sake. "
He said. "its not for you. I am deliberately holding on and staying alive. But its not for you. Its for the soldiers who beat me. Because if I died, the karma that they would create would be so terrible, I couldn't be responsible for that. So I'm staying alive. But its for their sake. Not for you."
And he lived for another SIX years after that. Wisely the communist army left him alone an he lived till 1959."

Nice huh?
Well I liked it.
Just goes to show. There's no excuse for hatred. Amazing !! levels of compassion are possible. Wow.
Right I'm off. Have a fabulous Wednesday!

A little Ego massaging diversion from the repetitive realities of life

Apparently I am the guru! Hehehe.. ermmm. yeah right. As Lydia from Writerquake said.. 'well hardly' but yeah, like her I can recognize myself in some parts of this description. Probably we all can, on some level or other. But that doesn't matter.

"You Are the Guru

You are a naturally good counselor. You are inspiring, encouraging, and compassionate.
You are eager to help everyone who crosses your path, even those who don't want to be helped.

You are a natural healer. People feel at peace when they are with you.
You are so good for people, in fact, that they go through withdrawal once you're gone.

You quietly do your own thing, without openly resisting. You secretly try to fix every problem.
Your biggest regret is not being able to help as many people as you'd like."

Cool. No mention of 'restless, irritable and discontent' which is always nice to hear! If somewhat (!!!) idealistic. ..but hey what do you expect..they seem to have ! skipped the fallible human bit, but I'm not complaining! Rose tinted? Bring it on! hehee

Go check out the link and get yourself a blemish-free character portrayal from this site. A little bit of pointless ego massaging can be fun if you take it with a pinch of salt..
What role do you play?

I got it from johnos blog, who found it through Lydia @ Writerquake who also appears to be a guru! Cool! There are clearly far more Gurus and Kings around than I thought there were!
Its kind of fun :)

Tired? SUPER healthy RAW veg soup that tastes like 'normal' veg soup to give you more energy

When I am stressed and have a LOT on, eating raw vegtables can double my energy levels and allows my body and mind to cope with the flurry of activity. I get more done. I need less sleep. I call this 'exam food', as I used it when I was sleeping very little coming up to exams. Partly because I was a bit wired about the exams and partly because I was trying to revise as many hours as I could. I figured out a few raw food recipes, but i particularly liked this one.
Its just a variation of bog standard miso soup, but including a BIG serving of RAW broccoli (or some other green veg) to be eaten without you ever noticing ! you are eating raw food.

Just thought I would share that with you as I 'discovered' this last Easter when I REALLY needed all the physical and mental energy I could get my hands on!
Its a neat trick. Raw foods made a HUGE impact on my energy levels and I am not much good at eating tons of raw veg in their 'normal' state, (apart from carrot sticks which are EASY) so this soup was a way of sneaking MORE raw broccoli etc into my diet without me noticing. It seemed to work! I was sleeping for two to three hours and getting up and doing a full days revision. I would wake at 2am and start studying because I was wide awake. So yeah, it enables you to crank more hours out of the day. Oh and of course MASSES of cups of tea help to keep me awake as well!

Tastes like 'normal' vegetable soup to me. I would have NO idea it was all raw veg added to previously boiled water. Its a kind of comfort food. I think it tastes great. You may hate it and that's fine too! It sounds a bit bleh! But tastes like the 'proper' vegetable soups they serve in fancy restaurants in central London. If you like DECENT broccoli or veg soup, (as opposed to the glutinous artificial stuff you get in tins and packets), you will like this. Its tastes better than it sounds. Basically. Sounds a bit 'goody two shoes' (meaning a bit cr*p) but actually tastes really nice. Well I think so..

So in the time it takes to boil some ginger and garlic for five minutes and whizz some broccoli in the blender, your meal is ready!
I can have two HUGE bowls of this in one sitting as a meal. It really feeds the body without making you feel 'stuffed'.
The only fats are in the Udo oil blend, but they are essentail fats, so that is ok. But go easy on the oil. You don't need much.

This amount will serves one hungry person or two very restrained people. Makes 2 BIG bowls of very low calorie and extremely nutritious soup. Its an instant food in that you have to eat it as soon as you make it as it the vegetables will oxidize and become less raw if you leave it. Raw shredded vegetables generally are much better if you eat them straight away.

The cooking part
2 cloves of Garlic
Fresh Ginger
5-10 Almonds if you want protein
A mushroom or two if you want.

Put a pint and a half water in pot. Add Marigold Organic Swiss Vegetable Bouillon Low Salt Cubes (small amount) Bring to the boil.
While the waer is coming to the boil, pulverise ginger, garlic, almonds, mushrooms in magimix using big rotating blade. Put the 'mooshed' bits into the water.
Let it rapid boil for 5 minutes or so.
While its boiling, use a hand blender in the pan to whizz it up even more

Turn the heat off. Let the water calm down.
Add all the other ingredients and then use the hand blender in the pan to pulverize it all and mix it up
Serve immediately

The raw ingredients.
Raw vegetables. Can be:
Head of Broccoli
Pack of Sugar snap peas
Bag of Raw spinach leaves
A bag of Alfalfa Sprouts, or mixed sprouts

Ideally something GREEN. Not too starchy. I haven't tried Savoy cabbage, as I really like the broccoli version. All are 'mooshed' in the magimix and then added to the previously boiled water once the heat has been turned off.

The raw condiments
Organic Miso paste
Organic Sprouted Flax Powder
Marigold Engevita Nutritional Yeast Flakes
Udo's Choice Ultimate Oil Blend or another 3, 6 9 oil.
You can also add Bragg Liquid Amino Seasoning but its a bit salty so you probably wont need it.

No added salt or pepper
Miso and Bouillon add salt
Raw ginger acts as pepper

If you add bread to the soup, it will make you tired and reduce the energizing effects significantly. Bread just makes you TIRED. Oh well. Plus its addictive! ..For people like me anyway!

Another good healthy food is brown basamti rice with chick peas or some other kind of pulse. The Udo oil, yeast flakes, flax sprouts and amino seasoning added at the end make it even more nutritious.
I am not so good at this food because it is more starchy and I can eat rice like it Is going out of fashion. But yeah. This gives the body all it wants in terms of nutrients. Apparently. Rice and beans is a staple vegetarian meal.

Right I'm off. Have a great Tuesday!

The World (of the 'Self') that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth

At the risk of sounding like someone who does not really know !!! (at ALL) what they are talking about, (!) I thought I would share this..
I KNOW I am not the greatest (!!) Authority about this, but I am very excited about this, like I am with most new things I am TRYING to learn, and in my attempt to understand it better myself, I thought that if I TRIED to put it into my own words, it MIGHT make more sense to me, or I might just organize my thoughts better so here goes...
(It helps me even if it makes no sense to you whatsoever!! Heehe )

The above utube is a dialogue clip from the Matrix which I think works as a VERY useful metaphor on loads of levels. A metaphor for The 'dream world' we inhabit when we are 'captivated' or 'caught up' by the hopelessly ! misleading (but VERY compelling) information habitually flooding our senses and mind. A metaphor for the underlying reality of Non duality that goes unseen. No self: the illusion of self. Non existence of time: the illusion of time.

Its like we are little babies getting distracted by a 'glittering bauble' being dangled in front of our eyes, and we are failing to notice all the OTHER !! conditions around us. All we can see is the 'glittery thing' that glints and catches our attention. The glittery thing is sight, sound, the chatter and murmurings of the mind. The WORDLESS BELIEFS in the mind. The surges of the mind to ? GET something, or get AWAY from something. Primal SURGES of one thing or another. Such as..
Can I eat it? Can it eat me? Can I mate with it? .. (As Amaro says in his talks) They take centre stage, And we don't even notice. Shame really.

Or they HIJACK us from the wings with whispered blurry unquestioned half-truths we just never think to question because they feel so .. 'normal'.
Basically the way our senses and our mind are conditioned to interpret the world is very partial, habitual, and accepted unquestioningly.
If you look closer what you find is all the senses look hopelessly inadequate. And the way the mind habitually interprets them is very lazy and pathetically caught up in itself. Not logical at all. If you calm down enough to see ? 'past' all the mental chatter and pointless mind meanderings, and actually question the reliability of the information coming in via the senses, it all starts to look a LOT !! More insubstantial. Like a cloud passing by. Vapor. So one the 'worldly objects' are reduced to ? Nothing containing any substance. Whereas the space in which all those things arise and disappear takes on a WHOLE new significance and looks like the REAL thing going on in the background.
Or something.

Anyway. Its what's BEHIND all that ? activity we get caught up in, that Is interesting. The more quiet the mind gets, the easier it is to watch for those pauses between breaths of bits of inactivity. Plus as you get more chilled out with all the different distracting baubles floating about in the ? Mind, then you can kind of watch them without breaking a sweat and stand firm, resisting the tidal surge to heedlessly follow each new impulse.
Basically kind of watch the 'show' from the sidelines, instead of being IN the 'show'.
And when you do that, you start to see that the 'show' is not really YOU.
Just some weird sh*t 'happening' on the stage in front of you.
Anyway. When that happens, the whole sense of identity shifts from a 'personal' ME to a more ? Impersonal ? Awareness. Not a ME. Something else. A cooler ? Something ? else, which is not a ME.
Anyway. Whatever it is. It feels more spacious. More free. Less personal. Not from the world of ? THOUGHT. Comes from a ? Feeling place. A 'quiet knowing'.
Its nice whatever it is.
But yeah every time you start congratulating yourself on what a COOL person you are for managing to get even ! This far. You are immediately SUCKED back onto the stage where you are right back to being a ME again. Sheesh..
There are no days off basically.
But yeah its a nice trick. Anyone can do it I reckon.
Its quite funny. There you are sitting watching the show. Trying VERY hard to resist the urge to listen to a POINTLESS CONVERSATION going on in the row behind you (somewhere else in the mind) that sounds TERRIBLY INTERESTING, and you manage that, but then don't notice SELF has appeared in the form of a self congratulatory remark, and you start listening to it and BINGO. There you are. Back in the self again. Just goes on and on really. Just when you think you've got it. You don't! Hahaah. Funny old game.

I'm pleased with my progress of my awareness of the 'show' WITHOUT getting caught up in it, when it feels similar to someone persistently COUGHING when you are trying to concentrate on your golf swing. Like I am the golfer, and the coughing is NOT putting me off. Like that really. The ? Reptile brain or Mara as the Buddha liked to call it. The ? 'Evil tempter.' Is ALWAYS trying to put us off our game. And 99.9% of the time it wins. !
But its nice to score a few points against Mara every now and again. Not get SUCKED IN to some POINTLESS inner drama or DISTRACTION, and instead notice the glittering baubles dangling alluringly in the consciousness, are NOT ALL THAT. That there is actually something a LOT more SIGNIFICANT and RESONANT going on VERY quietly in the background. The land of no self. Cool!

But yeah. Sometimes the 'bauble' is indifference, disinterest, dullness. lethargy or boredom. All those are not what you would call a 'quiet' mind. A very sleepy mind! But not a quiet one. So snoozing, or having a mental tea-break, or being 'zoned out' doesn't count I'm afraid! Never mind eh? Rome wasn't built in a day as they say..

Anyway. When you get a better sense of the underlying stuff, you feel a bit SWINDLED by the mind and the senses, and the SELF it conjures up. In much the same way as you feel a bit swindled by the whole 'getting drunk is great' notion after you stop drinking for any length of time. You think... Why didn't anyone tell me it was like THIS??? Jeez. There I have been believing all this SELF sh*te for gawd knows how long, when in fact it was some poxy MIRAGE masquerading as SUBSTANCE. Whatever.
Well that's kind of what it feels like. Like most things. Once you see them for yourself, they seem OBVIOUS and you feel completely CONNED all the time you had no idea. Oh well. Never mind.
Thank you Mr Amaro for helping me look in the right direction and helping me see that. Even if it was just a ! glimpse. It all helps. Doesn't 'cure' me of my senses, but at least I have a SLIGHTLY ! better idea of what I am up against.

In this clip (the way I see it anyway) the 'prison' is the 'world' (meaning 5 senses and the MIND,) and the object being imprisoned by the senses and the chattering mind is the IMPERSONAL existence of 'no-self.' Poor ol NO SELF doesn't get a chance, because there is this MASSIVE smokescreen of SELF going on. MY nose, MY ears, MY thoughts. MY emotions.. etc etc. Yeah right! Look a little closer and there's NOTHING there. ..Meaning the REAL me isn't the endless flow of thoughts emotions and god knows what else. its the ? 'thing' (some people call it the witness) that is AWARE of all that trivial and pretty pointless mind-stuff. Timeless, impersonal unconditioned awareness. not a 'thing'. not a 'person'. Just plain ol awareness! A universal quality. Not a ME quality. Cool not hot. Undistracted not distracted. Steady not fluctuating. There just isn't ANYTHING 'personal' about it.

Anyway here's the part of the Matrix script I like:
I can see it in your eyes.
You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees,
Because he is expecting to wake up.
Ironically, this is not far from the truth....
Do you believe in fate, Neo?
No.
Why?
Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life.
I know.. exactly what you mean.

Let me tell you why you're here.
You're here because you know something.

What you know you can't explain.
But you feel it.
You've felt it your entire life.

That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there...
Like a splinter in you're mind.
Driving you mad.

It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?

The Matrix?

Do you want to know..what it is?

The Matrix is everywhere.
It's all around us
Even in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window.
Or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work.
When you pay your taxes.

The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes,
to blind you from the truth.

What truth?

That you are a slave, Neo.
Like everyone else.
You were born into bondage
Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch.
A prison...for your mind.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is.
You have to see it for yourself.

This is your last chance.
After this. There is no turning back.
You take the blue pill.
The story ends.
You wake up.
And believe.. whatever you want to believe.

You take the red pill.
You stay in wonderland.
And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes

What do you WANT to happen? Well then, ..IMAGINE living !! that reality

The above video is Adventures in Success by Will Powers.
This ? Trick was called Metaphysics by ? booksellers. All the books i bought ages ago had the typed label 'Metaphysics' as a subject guide on the back. Perhaps they classify them as something else now. I dont know as I haven't looked at a new one for at least ? 10 years.
It is encapsulated (as are so man other realities) by one of my favorite ! slogans:

You MOVE TOWARDS, and BECOME LIKE, THAT WHICH YOU THINK ABOUT, whether it is good for you, or bad for you

Similar slogans are:
You'll see it when you believe it
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thought. With our thoughts, we make our world." ~The Buddha
What you 'see' is what you 'get'
Thoughts Become Things...choose the good ones!

Basically. Whatever you tend to dwell on shows up more and MORE.
So if you have a habitually complaining mind. Guess what shows up? Yep. More of the complain type stuff. Well that's what I find.
Like attracts like.
The same principle is explained in the film The Secret
Cosmic ordering works along the same principle. There are a ton of books on Metaphysics. Called Manifestation, cosmic ordering and gawd knows what else. TONS of books basically all saying just about the same thing.

The AA version goes like this:
"The more you think about the problem, the bigger the problem gets. The more you think about the solution, the bigger the solution gets."
or:
"When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem the problem increases: if I focus on the answer, the answer increases."
(p451, AA Big Book) Third Edition. Personal stories: Doctor, Alcoholic Addict

ANYWAY.
The jist is.
You IMAGINE living the ? Thing you want. And well.. This is where it starts sounding a bit ! Odd. Well I find that it pretty much tends to come into being.
I'm a little lazy with this technique as I tend to wait untill my back is against the wall and I really need to GET (whatever it is) sorted in a very short while, and THEN I get round to doing this!
But yeah. Every time I do it, it seems to work.
SO while I am on a short study break I am going to do some of this stuff. Jobs id like to get down the line, etc etc. I feel no sense of urgency at the moment because I don't have any ? Immediate problems as such, but it will help me no end if I get a CRYSTAL CLEAR image in my mind of EXACTLY the reality I would like to see myself in.

Reminds me of that song Adventure in Success by Will powers.
But I much prefer the Stanton Warriors version which is not for sale on iTunes, which is a total drag.
Stanton Warriors - Adventures In Success by 679 Recordings If you REALLY want I can tell you where you can get an mp3 of the 679 vinyl track, but you'll have to email me!

So ! STOP!!!!!!! Dwelling on the PROBLEM
Think instead of " What would it look like WITHOUT !! the problem?"
Go on! Imagine it!!!!
Yes. It requires a bit of imagination and WORK. But yeah its worth it.
Sit down and paint the picture. Write it down. Like a list.
Then step into the shoes of the new imaginary You and see how it feels to be that person. To have that life. To feel inside the way you always wanted to feel inside. Imagine what it feels like to be 'there' NOW.
What's it like? Was it what you thought it would be ?
Interesting isn't it?
And just 'visit' this new you by stepping into the shoes for 5mins a day or so. A little trip to the new psyche you always wanted, and just 'be' in that new persona for 5 mins or so. Like breaking in a new pair of shoes. Till it starts feeling VERY normal. Usual. Same ol same ol.

Oh yeah. This ? type of 'exercise' is included in my Step 2 with Sponsees. They are required (as I was) to get to see their powerlessness AND unmanageablity in Step 1. A very specific, CRYSTAL CLEAR list of their failings. Their inabilty to control their drinking, etc.
In Step 2 I asked them on EACH failing. "What would it look like WITHOUT !! the problem?"
so htey had to go away and think.. "What would it look like WITHOUT !! the alcohol problem?" (ie the need or desire to drink) and they would imagine things like..
''I am having the MOST fun at this party and I am the only one not drinking! Heheee
"I feel fantastic! when I'm out and about, and the thought of a drink could not be further away from my list of things I want to do this evening!"
I LOVE! not drinking. Not drinking when i'm with people seems like the most natural thing in the world!"
"I LOVE dancing on the speakers/ tables sober! Falling off them is no longer a problem! Ha!"
etc etc. You get the picture.
WHY do they do this? Because ther is NO POINT in asking a higher power to 'restore you to sanity' if you have NO CLUE what 'sanity' looks like!!! The EASIER it is to 'see' what sanity IS, the more motivated you will be to get there!
I see no point in mouthing the ords of the steps if all they are is just a WORD. I want each sponsee to know EXACTLY what sanity would look like IN THIER LIFE.
After all the Big Book tells us we need to be SPECIFIC (p20, AA Big Book) (ie not vague) in the ay we do the steps. So a VAGUE understanding of what sanity IS, will NOT DO. Heheh.
Step 2 is like dangling a carrot in front of the sponsee.
Once they see what sanity looks like, they get excited about getting well. they start looking forward to step 9. thank GOD. Makes my job easier, and thats all that matters !!! Hhehee

Another cool trick is to imagine a person you admire. (Can be anyone)
Think of all the cool things you like about them. Why you appreciate them.
Imagine them standing in the room with you.
Stand up and walk over to where they 'are'. Stand inside their 'space'.
See the world through their eyes.
What does the world look like now?
How do you feel about the situations presenting themselves to you now?

Lyrics to Adventures in Success by Will Powers.
"You are an important person.
A rare individual.
A unique creature.
There has never been anyone just like you and never will be.
You have talents and abilities no one else has.
In some ways you're superior to any other living person.
The power to do ANYTHING you can imagine is within you when you discover your real self by practicing a few simple laws of success.

First law of success.
Take inventory of your assets.
Don't be modest or critical.
Be open and objective.
Get a pencil and paper.
Write down every good thins about yourself you can think of.

Second law of success.
Write a description of the person you'd like to be.
Describe your personal dress, your home, your automobile, your desired occupation and income.
Be HONEST.
Now, go even deeper
Describe the INNER person you'd like to be.
Let your mind run WILD.
Assume you can become ANYTHING that you desire.
The fact is, you WILL become the person you HONESTLY describe.
You CAN'T avoid it.

Third law of success.
Concentrate on a mental image of the person you'd like to be.
Paint a picture in your imagination of who you want to become.
Constantly hold this visual in your mind's eye.
See yourself performing and responding like a champion.
Feel the confidence and courage that RADIATE from this type of person.

These three laws are powerful and effective in changing lives.
They'll work for you without fail if you're persistent in applying them."

If you liked this track, other slightly corny but enjoyable ones are on Will Powers Dancing For Mental Health listed here with mp3 samples. But the Stanton warriors 679 Breakbeat version of Adventures in Success is my personal favorite.

Right. On that note! I'm off! Have a fabulous Tuesday!

What is Love?

Hmm. Yes. Love is very interesting thing. So many different ideas about what it is.
I find "The end of love and hate" by Amaro as very interesting. He mentions sticky, possessive, restrictive, attachment, fixed views, type of love.

I see love as a commitment to doing the next right thing. Being willing to go to any lengths (p76,79, AA Big Book) to do so. Whether my feelings support that aspiration or not.
But I like the aspiration of abandoning all craving. All clinging. "let go absolutely' (p58, AA Big Book) ..as they say
Being able to hold the moment. (not feverishly cling to it) Understand that it is beautiful, but not cling to it or hang on to it longer than it will last. Ask more of the moment than it can deliver.
All beautiful moments pass away and are replaced by other moments. The craving mind is the enemy (for want of a better word) that destroys the peace. Not the inevitable passing of all conditioned reality. The coming and going of all people places and things. 'This too shall pass' as they say. well yes. It does.

Like an aa member in my home group said ? ages ago. Pain is not caused by change. It is caused by RESISTANCE to change.

But I see resistance as nothing more than the CRAVING mind. Trying to hold on to an 'old idea'. (p58, AA Big Book)
It is the craving, the clinging that is the cause of the suffering. Not the conditions.
Anyway, I think you would find Amaros explanation of love and hate as very interesting.

At 16.56 minutes in the talk called "We Are More Than Our Feelings" Munindo talks about fully surrendering to the delight of the moment without getting 'lost' in it. A quiet knowing of the relativity of experience. The impermanence. Its a fabulous talk. Well I think so.

I like Tom's description of love, in his myspace post called "Run from the heard"

"What I find most odd is the extreme confusion over such a simple concept as Love. As a society, we've grown so self-obsessed that most confuse love with lust, and have totally lost the notion of Love as a perfect ideal that's unchanging, true, and an object to die for. It's quite a simple concept when you think about it. However, it's easy for selfish desires to "drug" within us any notion of objective idealism, creating deep rooted subjective confusion. So we can now actually believe such erroneous statements as "we are no longer in love," or "we grew apart," etc. to explain failed relationships.

C.S. Lewis said that "we don't fall into and out of Love like bathwater." Precisely. If we are in Love, we shall forever be in Love. If we presume to have fallen out of Love, then we were never in love in the first place.

The disheartening fact that most relationships break-up or end in divorce suggests that most, sadly, never find true love. But how can they, when they've lost the notion of a perfect ideal to some ever-changing, relativistic lustful feeling construed as Love? I read recently that 10 out of the last 11 relationships on The Bachelor have failed. Well is it any surprise when there's no aspiration to common values, morals, or spiritual beliefs – the necessary elements of Love? Isn't it all rather self-centered chaos ending in recycled failure? When shall we break this tiresome cycle of recycled errors?

I'm not jaded; I'm just not drugged. Whatever I do in this life, I shall not be a herd statistic, and conform to a pervasive and undermining motive of self-centeredness. I'd rather die trying to discover a perfect ideal implanted in my heart by a higher Source, a perfect notion of Love, everlasting beyond Time immemorial, a Love that is the "same yesterday, today and forever," not dependent on fleeting feeling or emotion, though the cause of romantic emotion, beyond happiness and sadness, and underpinned by godly morals and values."

He's linked on my blog in my list of 'people I like' as opposed to an alcoholic blogger. An interesting guy. He's very !! much IN the world, but not OF it. Nice bloke.

Indescribably wonderful (p17, AA Big Book)

Nottingham University Campus: Thich Nhat Hanh UK Retreat 2008, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

"there exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is indescribably wonderful." (p17, AA Big Book)

"We have entered the world of the Spirit." (p83, AA Big Book)

I have no idea how to describe the Thich Nhat Hanh retreat so I'm not even going to try.
Thank GOD, once again it provided me with more answers, more guidance, more insight. I rely completely on stuff like this.
I have no idea how people manage without it. It was magical and special, as usual.

The reason I'm not posting much these days is because I have been using the summer break to try to really get to grips with the talks by Munindo and Amaro. I am really trying to understand the suggested path they are proposing.
What I am finding out, is that it is a very subtle and carefully constructed plan, spanning from heart wisdom and indefinable places. Basically I cannot explain it.
And thankfully I don't have to because Munindo and Amaro do such a fantastic job. My explanation is not required. But yes, I am struggling to grasp what they are saying. I love it, but am very much a beginner in this subject so I find it very hard to remember. I keep forgetting bits and so I keep having to go back over it. Not sure if I am stupid or it is just a very subtle teaching.
Whatever. It is my FAVORITE path at the moment. It makes more sense than all the others. For the time being anyway. Its a weird one.
Very similar and yet very different to AA. More paradoxes than you can shake a stick at. But seriously great. So that's where my brain is at, and has been at most of the summer.
Its hard! Seems much harder than my term time study! But I think I'm addicted.
2 other AA's came along and really loved it. Whatever. Its pointless trying to explain this in words. Its one of those things that doesn't really make sense unless you actually GO. Same as meetings basically. You could never explain a meeting to somebody who had never been. Well retreats with this type of rare individual are very similar. Doesn't really reveal itself to you, till you SHOW UP. Shame, but there you go..

Anyway. There is a very senior Lama (Khensur Lobsang Tenzin Rinpoche) teaching over a three week period in the Jamyang Centre quite soon. I suggest you book very quickly as they sell out faster than hot cakes.

Also I am strongly tempted to attend a retreat with Sogyal Rinpoche as I have never seen 'Crazy Wisdom' in action ,and I think I might like it. It is a less formally restrained type of teaching. I like to think I have adopted a less restrained approach with sponsees so I might find his style of teaching very interesting.
Whatever. I have enough to be getting on with. A heavy duty academic year kicking off in three weeks. Head down till May basically.
Oh well.

But yeah I am a very blissed out bunny at the moment. Very happy with my 'education' into meditation practice over the summer.
Basically I don't watch TV. I very rarely listen to the radio. I only listen to music to keep me awake or during exercise, and the rest of the time I am listening to Amaro and Munindo. So im kindof getting in the groove, and want to hang on to it by maintaining what I have learned for as long as I can. Its SO easy to let this stuff slip.
I've started sitting for a mere 30mins in the morning and I have to say it is a blessed relief. Wonderful. But there you go.
I'm blissed out. I just want to listen to dharma talks and get 'in (and stay in) the zone. We shall see.

Oh yeah. And just as many mountains to climb as ever. I am still (aren't we all?) trying to figure out ways around my negative mental habits. Nothing changes! But I ! love the way it feels at the moment.
I am SO grateful for those recorded talks. That's all I can say. I've ordered DVDs of Thich Nhat Hanh retreat so that will remind me if I've forgotten anything..

Have a great Thursday!

Thich Nhat Hanh UK Retreat 2008: Nottingham 24th-29th August

There's still time to book this retreat if you feel the urge.
If applications and payment arrive in their office before Tuesday, you are in with a chance. Still places left I think.

350 or 450 quid for Sunday to Friday. All expenses included.
Accommodation is in the Nottingham university campus. Which is a lovely campus as far as know. Green and rambling. Very easy to get to by train from London.

Thich Nhat Hanh is around about 80 yrs old, and he doesn't teach in the UK very often, so for that reason its good to see him if you get the chance. He does regular retreats in France, but its always easier to see him in the uk I think.
Whatever. Just thought I would let you know.
The London talk is sold out. I didn't manage to get tickets as I didn't get one fast enough. The London talk is worth going to. I certainly enjoyed the last one I went to.
Right better be off. Have a nice Sunday!

Retreat details here
Application form here

Listening to what your mind is saying is like randomly passing through different radio stations

View of Tower Bridge from the Millennium Bridge at 5am, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

This is stuff I typed from Ajahn Amaro's talk called Imbibing Peace in Body and Mind
The Bracketed numbers are minutes and seconds references to the talk, so you know where to find the bits once you download the mp3 onto your itunes or ipod. Its all his talk. I really like his stuff. Theres a great bit on worry at the beginning but I didn't include it. Here's the talk:

(28.33)
Listening to what your mind is saying is like randomly passing through different radio stations
It has: Different things to say
Different moods
Different flavors
Some are worthwhile and interesting
Some are meaningless
Like: Some politician trying to get you to vote for them
Someone wanting you to buy a truck from their showroom
Someone wanting you to get excited about their new song
A lot of of it is pointless and biased,
and just reiterations of the conditioning of a lifetime.

So its just developing a relaxed attitude toward our own thinking.
The things we are excited about.
The things we are annoyed about.
The things we are afraid of.
The things we are irritated by.
The things we are inspired by.
Get a little bit of distance with our own thinking and own own opinions.

So often the mind has just a reactive, compulsive, lurching quality
Chasing one opinion after another.

"I like this"
"I don't like that"

"This is good"
"That's bad"

"This is right "
"That's wrong"

"It should be this way"
"It shouldn't be like that"

"This is beautiful"
"That's ugly"

"I approve"
"I don't approve"

Like a frantic bunny caught in the headlights dashing from one side of the road to the next in an effort to avoid the oncoming car
Bouncing one way, after another, and another.

Just to be able to step back. Listen to the mind.
Not buy into all of its bouncing around.
Lurching this way and that.
Just to listen to the statements it makes. Like:
"Wow this is really great"
And then just to say, or to ask,.."Is that so?'
Or
"This is terrible!" "This is awful!" "That's the worst thing I've ever seen!"
Respond with: ..Oh. .."Is that so?'

"I'm never ever going to do that again. That was a totally stupid mistake! A total disaster. I'm never going to do that again!"
Or.
"This is great! This is it! I am totally with the programme! This is the true way. I'm never going to wobble again. This is absolutely clear to me. This is totally the thing for me!"

Whatever it might be.
Something we are inspired by,
or irritated by,
Or afraid of,
Pursuing,
Running away from,

The mind makes all kinds of assertions and judgments:
"This is good"
"That's bad"

"This is right"
"That's wrong"

"It should be this way"
"It shouldn't be like that"

"This is beautiful"
"That's ugly"

"I approve"
"I don't approve"

"This is totally uninteresting. Completely mediocre. Unimportant"

Respond with:
Is that so?

Just to notice. There needs to be an effort.
Normally, what we like to do is pursue our moods. Which is creating the causes of unhappiness.
Blindly follow our moods.
Chase after them. Its a habit. Its a familiar pattern of being.

But if we make the effort to introduce a little bit of a gap, a little bit of space in it.
To give ourselves that room to consider:
Is that so?
Is it really that way?
Is that the whole story?

When the mind says: "This is GREAT!"
Is it so great?
Is is always going to be great?

When the mind says: "Its TERRIBLE!"
Is it so terrible?
Or is it just terrible to me?
How does it feel to other people?
Is this just a point of view?
Or is this an absolute truth?
Aha!

Even when the mind is vehemently asserting
"Its NOT just an opinion! This is TRUTH!"
"This is GOOD!"
"That's BAD!"
Yes well you really have a strong opinion that this is the truth.
That's a very very strong feeling. A lot of people have other feelings don't they? Ah. Oh yes..

So just applying that small amount of effort, allowing that small amount of space. Our own natural wisdom is brought into play (35.45) and suddenly we find the world is much more in balance. We are able to harmonize with others. Its not that we are becoming wishy washy, or nebulous, or indecisive about what we do. Its just seeing the whole picture. Feeling how the whole thing fits together. (36.06)

Sometimes just the feeling of trying to dispel a particular kind of attitude.
Maybe the mind is very stuck on an obsession of really wanting something.
Just obsessed with getting this or getting that.
Or obsessed with getting away from something. (37.19)
We can get so used to trying to dispel a feeling, or attitude, that we get habituated to that

"This is bad"
"This is wrong"
"I don't want to feel this way"
"I've got to get rid of this. This thought. This feeling. This attitude. This fear. This aversion. This desire." (37.41)

And so rather than always trying to move away from it, or diminish it, or dissolve it, sometimes the way that we provide that same sort of space around it, the same kind of balancing out, is you take that attitude and you inflate it.
The capacity to take things to absurdity.
So lets say the mind is moving towards self criticism.
"I'm so useless"
"I cant do this properly"

And what I mean by inflating it is
Listening to those judgments
Noticing what the mind is doing
Think it all through and taking it to its logical extremes

"I'm useless"
"I cant concentrate my mind at all"
"I'm a hopeless meditator"
"I'm a hopeless AA member" (added by me IFOB)

Just to say to ourselves:
I probably have the most busy, polluted, unstable, anxious mind in the whole universe.
Of all the human beings that have ever existed, I'm sure that MY mind is the MOST obsessive, compulsive, unstable, superficial, agitated.
There's never been anyone with a mind which is a busy or confused as mine.
I have more hatred than ANYONE else in the whole world.

And if you want something 'x':
Whatever it is that the mind is pursuing..
"I wanna have this!"
"I wanna have that!"

If I had X, and x , and x..
THEN I'd be happy!
I want to own everything in the whole world.
Not just this world. Every world.
If I had EVERYTHING, then I'd REALLY be happy!

You cant even finish the sentence without it being totally absurd.
So sometimes if the mind is obsessively greedy, pursuing. And we are thinking.
"I shouldn't be feeling this
"I've got to get rid of the greed
"Dissolve it
"Let go of it
"I shouldn't be greedy
"I shouldn't be feeling this"

That very urge to let go, gets taken over by a fearfulness, or a repressiveness, and we inflate the issue
is sometimes turning around and saying YES!
I want to have it
I've got to have it all now
All for me! That's good.
And if I had it. I'd be SO happy.
And you know. You cant even finish the sentence without realising. This is totally farcical. It couldn't be that way.

So we end up finding tha quality of spaciousness around the thought or the feeling, or the compulsion. The aversion.
By feeding it
by giving it everything it asks for.
You want some? Have more!
Don't stop now. Take more. Take more! (41.03)

42.59
So these are different ways of working with our minds to provide an awakening. To trigger an awakening to the spaciousness that exist within us.
The spaciousness around our moods, our feelings, our thoughts.
Recognizing that there's actually a lot more room in our lives, more room in our hearts than we recognize. the mind gets so fixed upon objects.
Fixed upon attitudes and plans, and ideas, that we don't notice that. (43.33)
But the more that we are able to notice what the mind is doing.
Seeing that the world is very much the way it is, because of the way that we hold it. And that loosening the grip a little, so that we hold the world rather than feverishly clinging to it.
Pick it up
Hold it
Put it down.

So then we discover a whole quality of ease and spaciousness in our lives, so that then we are able to deal with the possibilities of each moment. The qualities of the past, the present, the future. The kind of work we do in the world. The way we relate to one another. The different people we live and work with. The people in our families. In the world around us.

There's a balanced quality. Simply by remembering.
These are mental states.
These are attitudes that we are creating. And that when we recognize it as being created, we can relax with it.
We realize, we don't have to create this.
We don't have to pursue this, to run away from that.
I don't have to believe that this opinion is an absolute truth. (45.01)

And in that recognition, in awakening to that true spaciousness, then we find a quality of ease and balance within ourselves. We discover that peace which is always here, but we miss it because we are always so busy with this regret and that annoyance. This fear and that passion. We don't notice that peace us already here. We just have to notice it. To imbibe it.

And when we do that, its important to realize that this isn't just a favor to ourselves. When we discover that quality of peacefulness, that quality of inner contentment and happiness in relationship to our own body and our own mind states, because we live together, we affect each other. Wherever we are in our lives, the more that we are able to just take that moment to let go, recognize the tension we are creating. We let it go.

That ease and that peacefulness that is experienced in that moment is a blessing to us, but it is also a blessing to everyone we come into contact with. Whether its the person living next door to you, or the person we are doing dishes with at the sink, or the person we are sharing the freeway with.

Each moment of clarity and peacefulness within us is a blessing to the world around us. It is a benediction to the world. Even in the smallest ways. Even in the tiny and apparently subtle ways. Its a gift to the world.

If we are able to establish those qualities of purity, peacefulness, and contentment, It is then intrinsically conveyed to everyone our life is connected with. (Whether they notice it or not, is another thing,) but it IS conveyed. Because its there. That's what we are manifesting. That's what we are bringing into the world. Whatever we touch. Other creatures. Other people. All that our lives are connected with. They HAVE to be affected by that. It brings some degree of peace and clarity, and quality of ease, into THEIR lives as well. It HAS to be that way. That's the way that nature works.
Just like if we are agitated and busy, and angry and restless, and reactive, then that has its effects on all the beings around us too.
So that we can see for ourselves. So its not just by listening to these words and considering them to be true, because they are being said in a dharma talk but see this for ourselves.
And its not like some sort of grand programme we have to launch into but right in this very moment. This very time. Just seeing the effect of that choice. Making that choice to relax. Let go. Be at ease. And right here we can notice the brightening of the heart. The quality of contentment. The quality of peacefulness. That's right here. Its nowhere else. And we can see for ourselves, how that spreads within us. And spreads around us.

So I offer these thoughts for consideration this evening.

Ajahn Amaro
Imbibing Peace in Body and Mind

Creative problem solving: (Online) Oblique strategies by Brian Eno

Like a tarot deck but different. It was initially a device to assist painting projects. Especially under pressure.
Its a creative problem solving tool which allows you to consider a fresh perspective when things seem stale, predicable or unfruitful.

Something to 'shake up' the thinking, when we are being habitual and uninspired in our approach to situations.

Here is a site that allows you to pick a card. But you need to have adobe shock wave installed for it to work.

Brian eno is quoted here as saying:
" Oblique strategies evolved from me being in a number of working situations when the panic of the situation - particularly in studios - tended to make me quickly forget that there were others ways of working and that there were tangential ways of attacking problems that were in many senses more interesting than the direct head-on approach. If you're in a panic, you tend to take the head-on approach because it seems to be the one that's going to yield the best results Of course, that often isn't the case - it's just the most obvious and - apparently - reliable method. The function of the Oblique Strategies was, initially, to serve as a series of prompts which said, "Don't forget that you could adopt *this* attitude," or "Don't forget you could adopt *that* attitude."

The first Oblique Strategy said "Honour thy error as a hidden intention." And, in fact, Peter's first Oblique Strategy - done quite independently and before either of us had become conscious that the other was doing that - was ...I think it was "Was it really a mistake?" which was, of course, much the same kind of message. Well, I collected about fifteen or twenty of these and then I put them onto cards. At the same time, Peter had been keeping a little book of messages to himself as regards painting, and he'd kept those in a notebook. We were both very surprised to find the other not only using a similar system but also many of the messages being absolutely overlapping, you know...there was a complete correspondence between the messages. So subsequently we decided to try to work out a way of making that available to other people, which we did; we published them as a pack of cards, and they're now used by quite a lot of different people, I think. "

You can buy the bunch of cards from amazon, but the online version is probably easier and less hassle.

Have a nice Sunday!

How to tell if you are RIGHT. About your 'ideas' of how to stay sober. Or anything else for that matter..

If you are right
The thing you are doing or talking about WORKS
I mean REALLY works
Under ALL conditions

If you are WRONG
I mean TOTALLY UTTERLY COMPLETELY
! WRONG !
The thing you are doing or talking about DOESN'T work

It fails
It comes to an end
It stops delivering
It breaks under the strain of extra weight
It fails to satisfy explanation under a range of new conditions
It P**SES people off
You do NOT get the prize at the end of the rainbow
You do NOT achieve the desired result

You are WRONG!
You have FAILED to identify the correct solution

Wrong !! answer!
Go back to the drawing board
Try again
Try a bit harder next time
Pay attention at the back of the class
You snooze you lose
Come back to me with your new solution and lets see if THIS one works

Why am I saying this?
Because of the human (and largely alcoholic) capacity to DELUDE oneself about the degree of success of the strategy we have knowingly (or unknowingly implemented.

EVERYBODY has a strategy at any one time. For all things.
Just most are largely unconscious of what strategy they are using
Whatever

Insanity is doing the SAME thing
Over and OVER and expecting a DIFFERENT result

What makes you think it will be different THIS time around? ?

99% of the problem is IDENTIFYING THE SOLUTION
99% of the solution is IDENTIFYING THE PROBLEM

Wise people learn from their own mistakes.
SMART people learn from OTHER PEOPLES

SO
When trying to decide if the method you are using is working
For ANYTHING really
Sobriety
Dealing with depression
Getting a job
Building a social life
Losing weight

Whatever

LOOK AT THE TRACK RECORD

What is it telling you?
What are the RESULTS of your efforts telling you
IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS
About the METHOD you have implemented to achieve those ends?

Is it working?
At all?
Is it working MORE when you do 'x'?
Is it working LESS when you do 'x'?
Does doing 'x' move you CLOSER to your goal?
EXACTLY how much closer are you?
Or are you DELUDING yourself about your 'progress'

Rome wasn't built in a day.
But that's NO EXCUSE for the " Insanity is doing the SAME thing
Over and OVER and expecting a DIFFERENT result" Brigade.

SO
This is why you need OTHER PEOPLE to help tell you if you are full of SH*T about your 'progress' or not
Not easy. Well !yeah. Tell me something new!

This form of reasoning I go over at Step ONE
I call it
RESULTS LED REASONING
As opposed to
IDEAS led reasoning

I judge the validity of your approach (strategy/reasoning) by the RESULTS you get from using that approach
Nothing more
Not by how 'CLEVER' your approach sounds
Not by how ENTHUSIASTIC you are about that approach
Not by how much FAITH you have in that approach
Not by how much you WANT to use that approach
Not by how many degrees you have
Not by your impressive job title
Not by the number of years you have been alive
Not by how intellectual or seemingly un-academic you are
Not by how new or old sober you are

Nope
All I care about is

DOES IT WORK?
HOW WELL does it work?
REALLY well?
SH*T HOT well?
Kindof slow, but you get there in the end", kindof well?

Or do you not get 'there' at ALL?
Ever?
(In which case I do not rate your 'method' at ALL.)

So there you go
That's what I call
RESULTS LED REASONING
Or
RESULTS BASED REASONING

Can be summarized by

Do more of what WORKS
Do less of what DOESN'T

Have a nice Thursday!

(If I knew how to do SHORTER posts I would post more often!! Dang!)

How to deal with Praise and Blame: "Breaking into a million pieces" "Ah so"

I was listening to a talk by Ven. Ajahn Amaro today at work today called 'Ah so" (A talk given on September 1st, 2007) and is has a seriously great information about how to deal with both praise and blame. A very 'cool' unreactive response. Plus some great observations about how MUCH the mind LONGS for approval and how much it RECOILS from criticism. Even when its deserved.
He calls the reaction to rejection "Breaking into a million pieces" which I think is BRILLIANT
Because it REALLY FEELS LIKE THAT INSIDE when we are rejected.

In my mind I used to see painful rejections like some kind of splintered glass. Like when splinters radiate outward from a point at which a stone hits a car windshield. You know the way that kind of glass cracks? Like that. Like a spiders web or something. Except it isn't restricted in size to that of a car window. It sort of radiates out from ones solar plexus. The solar plexus is the nexus of the splinter impact.
Well that's how I see it in my minds eye. Transparent, but fractured into a million tiny little pieces.
Which is why I LOVE his description.
Obviously this describes a more 'obvious' version of rejection.
But lesser rejections (to me) feel like a reduced version of the above. Like its a weaker version. Like weak tea, instead of strong tea.
Whatever.
Anyway. Its a GREAT talk.
..Yes I am STILL addicted to Ajahn Amaro's talks..
Its what the ipod was invented for!

Have a SUPER Friday!

There must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol

Step One requirement:
"There must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol"
(p33, AA Big Book)

I find Step One the most exhausting of all the steps. Step 5 second most exhausting. Step 8 third most tiring.
Just ONE of the MANY reasons why step one is SO draining is because I consider my work unfinished until the Sponsee has 'got' this Step one requirement.

I will not move on to Step 2 until this requirement has been satisfied.
Its hard work!
ESPECIALLY when I am dealing with an alcoholic who is "early in our drinking careers" (p32, AA Big Book). Ie quite young and not very far progressed. (alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a PROGRESSIVE illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better. p30, AA Big Book)

So basicaly, even if they have trouble controlling how much they drink ONCE A YEAR, my job is to keep working with them untill they have "no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol" (p33, AA Big Book)

Tough? Yep!
But if I get this part right its saves me a LOT of GRIEF later. So it is worth it.
Just thought I would share that..

"If you want to hide something from an alcoholic, put it in the Big book"

'Fit SPIRITUAL condition'. NOT 'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'

"That is how we react so long as we keep in fit SPIRITUAL condition."
(p85, AA Big Book)

What IS 'Fit SPIRITUAL condition'? (p85, AA Big Book)
That's another post.

'Fit SPIRITUAL condition' (p85, AA Big Book) MAY or MAY NOT manifest as 'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'

But many unconsciously read this sentence as MEANING
'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'

Which it is NOT (!!!) saying.
Think about it.
Its SO !! easy to UNCONSCIOUSLY MISINTERPRET what the big book is saying VERY !! directly to us
WITHOUT EVER REALISING IT.

Whatever.
I'm just drawing your attention to this (what I see as) IMPORTANT distinction.
I will !! TRY (!) to explain what 'Fit SPIRITUAL condition' is another post. (Difficult !!!! or what!)

For now, just remember that the big book does NOT suggest we aim to achieve 'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'. Meaning the aim is not to become more PSYCHOLOGICALLY ADVANCED.
Nope.
Not to increase our Psychological knowledge, proficiency or expertise.
Certainly not as a primary goal.
It may (or may not) occur as a fortunate !! BY PRODUCT of having a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, (p60, AA Big Book) and thereafter keeping in fit SPIRITUAL condition. (p85, AA Big Book)
BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT THE BIG BOOK IS TELLING US (in no uncertain terms) WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE STRIVING FOR.

Whatever. Just thought I would mention that if you haven't already spotted it.
Basically recovery has VERY LITTLE to do with PSYCHOLOGICAL GOALS, but has a GREAT DEAL to do with SPIRITUAL GOALS.
Which are distinctly different to the former, (in my perception anyhow.)
That's my experience. Make of it what you will. For all I know ? this is glaringly ! obvious to you all already..

Have a great Thursday!

"If you want to hide something from an alcoholic, put it in the Big book"

Can therapy or counseling get you sober, or keep you sober?

..As a substitute for "a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps" (p60, AA Big Book)

"Neither he NOR ANY OTHER HUMAN BEING can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power. " (p43, AA Big Book)

That includes Therapists, counselors, people who work in treatment centres, psyciatrists, sponsors, me, you.
ALL !!!! humans unfortunately..

This is why I do not get Sponsees to do therapy or such (if ever) until AFTER step 9. Ie when the spiritual malady Is overcome (p64, AA Big Book) and they are no longer in danger of drinking PROVIDED THEY STAY IN FIT ***SPIRITUAL*** CONDITION. (p85, AA Big Book)

Anyway. That's how I do it. That's how old timers did it when I was new. And that's what I saw working again and again and again.
So that's what I pass on. That's my experience.
Thankfully it seems to be the same as that of the first 100 members. (re first quote from p43, AA Big Book)
There's another reason, but ill explain that another time. Theres more to this, but I'll split it over a few posts.

Have a great Thursday!

"If you want to hide something from an alcoholic, put it in the Big book"

'I'm not going to jump into the lifeboat until I know WHY this ship is sinking'

Its not what you KNOW, its what you DO: 'I'm not going to jump into the lifeboat until I know WHY this ship is sinking' (I cant remember ? where I first heard that one, but it was in some meeting..)

Regarding trying to get to the bottom of things, or trying to understand stuff. I'm not really trying to figure it out as such. Just trying to live according to spiritual principles.
If I tried to UNDERSTAND the universe and all the stuff in it, I would drive myself MAD. So I don't bother. Its just not worth it. What difference would it make anyway?
Ie.
'I'm not going to jump into the lifeboat until I know WHY this ship is sinking'

It takes great moral courage to embrace the contradictions and unseen crannies inherent in reality.
Its often very unflattering and confusing. I stopped trying to understand it a long time ago. All I know is that I must try to treat other humans how I would like to be treated. That's all. The rest I don't really know.

Did a 'chair' at a meeting today which was nice. Saw some new faces and discovered a GREAT coffee place afterwards I had no idea existed. A good day! Weather is STILL fabulous over here..
Have a good Thursday!

"Just because I think it, it doesn't mean it's true." Is that so? 'Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas..'

"Just because I think it, it doesn't mean it's true" ~ Ajahn Amaro in Metta - It All BelongsA talk on November 17th, 2007 during the Thanksgiving Retreat. At 49mins and 44secs

Heres one I kind of do anyway but I liked hearing about on Ajahn Amaro's talk.
All thoughts are a bit dodgy to say the least.
Pretty unreliable.
Yet most of the time we do not question them, or their validity.
I find myself disbelieving most of what my head tells me. But its easy to get caught out and find myself just accepting the thought that comes into my head as if it were true.
Here are some of the ways I 'loosen' the unquestioned nature of what I find myself thinking if I feel the urge, and want to unsettle any mental ruts I happen to be in.
I just repeat any one of these statements after EVERY thought I find myself having.
Unsettling but very refreshing!

I would call this any one of these things:
Letting go of OLD ideas.
Not 'believing' what your head tells you.
Introducing uncertainty to thoughts that are taken on face value or taken for granted as being true
Undermining thoughts that are taken on face value
Undermining stubborn thoughts
Undermining stubborn 'tapes'

So some statements you could use are:
Is that so?
Are you SURE?
Thank you for sharing...(then just carry on with your day)
(More aggressive versions..)
Yeah right.
Thank you for sharing..now ...EFFF!! OFF!!!
Liar!
Says who?
..Or any statement you prefer that has the same sort of effect..

Example:
I'm quite a nice person really
Is that so?
I'm such a useless student
Is that so?
I should be doing ........ Right now
Is that so?
I really fancy getting 'that' done later on
Is that so?
God 'so and so' is SO irritating!
Is that so?
I really don't want to have to make that trip later on this summer
Is that so?
I can't afford that
Is that so?
Wow that person is SO ! amazing. I am crap in comparison.
Is that so?
I'm such a lazy person
Is that so?
Etc etc..
..Basically WHATEVER thought comes into your head, answer it with 'Is that so?'
Scary (!) but worthwhile and very freeing..

P.S This exercise is NOT designed to give you permission to act destructively if former ideas of moral or ethical restraint have kept destructive urges at bay. I am working on the assumption that you already grasp the basic understanding that destructive acts are harmful to both yourself and others. (Just in case you thought otherwise..)
It is explained in more detail in the podcast.

I got this idea from Metta - It All Belongs
A talk given by Ajahn Amaro on November 17th, 2007 during the Thanksgiving Retreat.
Have a nice Wednesday!

It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS

All Souls Church, Langham Place. Rear door, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who likes me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who doesn't like me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who agrees with me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who doesn't agree with me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what other people think of me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS why people like me or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS why people agree with me or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who 'gets' it (meaning sobriety) and who doesn't.
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who ends up being a friend and who doesn't
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who ends up wanting to be my friend and who doesn't
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS which men are attracted to me and which aren't
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS whether it makes any sense or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I can contribute or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like it or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what exam marks I get
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I feel like going to the gym or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I feel like eating healthily or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get sick or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how long I get to live
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I have an accident or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what will happen next week or next hour
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what thoughts come into my head
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what feelings arise in any given moment
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how well or badly I react to things
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am better or worse than the next person
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how things turn out
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how well I understand things
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how fast or slowly I recover
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like Sponsees or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like sponsoring or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if things are easy or difficult
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like it or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am getting along with everyone or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how long I get to stay in my current employment
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am successful or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am in physical pain or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I encounter enemies or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am betrayed or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I can handle it
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how I look. What voice I have. What personality I have
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how long it takes to erode a destructive mental habit
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am frightened or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I experience grief or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if it feels overwhelming
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I respond well to
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I 'click' with
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if my lousy best is good enough
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who responds well to me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who responds badly to me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I can or cannot help
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if get what I want or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get the thing that feels most important or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I lose the thing that feels most important or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS why the world is the way it is
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if it rains or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like AA meetings or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I look foolish from time to time
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS when I get it wrong, how often, or how badly I get it wrong
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I fail or succeed
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if my head doesn't change for a looong time
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if my feelings don't change for a looong time
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who reads this blog, of what people think of it
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am verbally attacked or blamed
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I acheive my ideal weight, or body shape
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get the dream man or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am misrepresented or misunderstood
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I need to be alone or spend time with people
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who the best teachers are on any given day
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who tells me what I need to know
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS where I get the direction and guidance I need from
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS when I need help
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how stubborn persistent and intractable my 'wrong view' is
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am a nice person or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am 'right' or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I manage to avoid terrible errors of judgment or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS when the people I love die or get sick
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get the help I THINK I need or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what people, places and things I am attracted to
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am appreciated or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get a pleasant lifestyle or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I have financial security or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if it feels like I have achieved something or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS whether it means anything in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS whether I find out later I have been barking up the wrong tree or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how many friends I have, or where I find them
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who is important to me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I manage to help
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if there is a 'payoff' or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I experience very unskillful negative mind states, and how often
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I know what to say or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I have enough patience and tolerance or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am neurotic or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like you or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if there is a happy ending or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if the good guys 'win' in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if evil prevails in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if humans destroy themselves in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what happens!! Basically.

As you can tell. the list is ENDLESS!

Meaning I have let go of the DELUSION that I am 'the actor running the show'
I don't have a say
I don't have a vote
I don't get to rearrange reality to be the way I think it 'should' be.
I cannot control people places and things. That means you, me, the world and all that happens in-between. Everything! The complete opposite of being a control freak basically..

Don't get me wrong
I work as hard as I can
I do my LOUSY BEST
Which I can assure you, feels like going to ANY !!!! LENGTHS !! some days.
So I do NOT get to 'put my feet up' just because I am not a successful dictator of world events.

Apart from that, life is very straightforward!!

Before you get all !! depressed, read the stuff I posted under the label Insightful writing which includes the writing calledDo good anyway... By Mother Theresa

(I'm still ADDICTED to Ajahn Amaro's talks at the moment..)

Have a nice Sunday! Its GLORIOUS over here.
Thank God for freshly squeezed orange juice ice lollies!!

Determine for an hour to hate that person continuously

Interesting stuff from Ajahn Amaro from
The End of Love and Hate
A talk given on August 25th, 2007 at 38min 18 seconds.

"Determine for an hour to hate that person continuously
As soon as the mind wobbles and wavers from hating,
IMMEDIATELY
Let go of the distraction and go back to hating.
See if you can cultivate hatred for that WHOLE time.

(Its actually very hard to do) to stay in a state of aversion and sustained hatred continuously for an hour. Its extremely hard to sustain.

Its a good way to get a perspective on a mind state. Give it what it asks for. "

Just thought I'd share that. I LOVE Mr Amaro at the moment. Have a great Thursday!

'The glory of God is that we live our lives' ~ St Irenaeus

'The glory of God is that we live our lives'
St Irenaeus
A guy in AA told me that one. Thought I would share it with you. Lovely isn't it?

Heard in a meeting
What's the difference between a Rottveiler and an alcoholic?
The Rottveiler knows when to let go.

What I'm listening to at the moment.
Ajahn Amaro podcasts of dharma talks.
I LOVE Ajahn Amaro! Just right for me at the moment. Especially as post-Dalai Lama therapy. I have him on my ipod as I stroll about in the sunshine we have right now. Very relaxing! Feels a bit 'out there' when you listen to em, as he abandons all concepts of self, identity, and 'fixed positions'. Ie no ego. How fabulous! I seem to have lost the ability to debate on any issue as it is only 'taking a position' (which can only be inherently uncertain and therefore ultimately unreliable.) Yeah I know, it sounds a bit weird, but it basically means that its really hard to make a statement' or something. I just feel like there is nothing to say at the moment. Probably why I am not posting much. I just think everything in my mind is pointless. Just hot air. Not really. But you know what I mean. Of no substance. That's better. Yeah. I think of it as pointless, but I have a feeling you will interpret that as me being derogatory about my thought processes and I can assure you it is not. All thought is very insubstantial to me at the moment. I kind of don't really listen to what my head is saying as it probably rubbish. That's all. I still use my brain to figure stuff out at work, but I'm not paying much attention to the 'washing machine' rumbling going on in the background. Besides the weather is too gorgeous to 'think' about anything. London looks seriously gorgeous in this weather. Tourists are everywhere, and I get to live here all year round. Cool! I feel like I'm on holiday when I'm at home. But there you go.

The Corporation on freedocumentaries.org
I don't really watch TV as such, but I like this kind of stuff. The Corporation was a disturbing but very interesting documentary. I MEANT to see in the cinema when it first came out, but didn't get round to it.. Really puts you off buying 'stuff''. Great if you shop too much. I have to force myself to the shops so I'm in no danger of getting a shopping addiction, (or whatever they call it..)

freedocumentaries.org
Interesting stuff. More of the same. TV with a social conscience. Cool. Quite depressing though.. Cheer yourself up by asking 'what can I DO ' to stop yourself feeling overwhelmed by it. Great TV though. Very interesting.

I have more time to catch up on new music and I LOVE some of the stuff that is being produced recently. Besides I NEED this music to keep me going in the gym, but as usual, I am pleasantly surprised by the new material. There are loads more but here are a few on my ipod..
GREAT ! running music. (IF you like that kind of thing..)
Madonna – ‘Give It To Me (Oakenfold Remix)’ (Warners)
Rihanna- 'Take A Bow' (Seamus Haji & Paul Emanuel Remix) (Def Jam)
Rihanna- 'Take A Bow' (Seamus Haji & Paul Emanuel Remix) (Def Jam)
Timbo Nelly Justin Madonna pharrell Britney Giveit2metwice

I'm either relaxing at home or getting exited about new stuff to learn and new job possibilities which would involve some retraining and a little more excitement than usual. We shall see. No harm in a few weeks retraining in the meantime, if it means I can try something new that pays better. Whatever. It feels really nice being on 'summer holiday' even though I'm still working full time..

Hey I LOVE the full moon today and the solstice this weekend, so this suits me just fine!
Have a great Wednesday!

'Maybe I'm not that bad': Pervasive and unconscious Self Doubt

Committee Room window with balcony, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

'Maybe I'm not that bad'
Is a thought I get quite a lot these days. The reason I’m mentioning it here is so that you kind-of know this is coming. Later on. A lot. If you have not started thinking this already.
As far as I am concerned if you start thinking this in a sort of involuntary way in less than 5 years sobriety, I think you are doing a pretty !! good job.
Whatever. I suppose I had some ? sort of renewed faith in myself at 5 years, but this is different. Its like its very VERY slowly ‘dawning’ on me, that I MIGHT NOT BE THAT BAD.
You know, not ‘beyond hope’
Not ‘beyond repair’
Not a ‘lost cause’ in respect to certain areas I would have been CONVINCED were ‘off limits’ or ‘out of reach’.
More like I see the ‘plasticity’ of recovery.
I am starting to be more open minded as to just what can be altered.
More ? optimistic perhaps.
Perhaps I see better that you can cover A LOT of ground sometimes. If you just keep your head down and do the work, instead of giving up on yourself because it looks IMPOSSIBLE.

I’m not just talking about difficult tasks like study. (Because that really is difficult.) I mean stuff the therapists tell you JUST ISNT POSSIBLE.
The stuff they tell you CANT BE DONE.
I suppose I mean emotional work. Getting from A to B.
Hey I’m not there yet, but more and more I see my insides changing for the better. I don’t really know WHY it’s happening. I can guess. I have very helpful influences in my recovery. By no virtue of mine. I am lucky perhaps. I have no idea why people are helpful to me. That’s the truth. I really don’t know if I am doing the right things or not. I try my best but I have no idea if I am off course. I suspect I am sometimes. Hopefully not too often. Whatever. What I mean is I HAVE NO SURE FOOTING. I make my best guess and that’s it. The rest I don’t know.
Which means I am still capable of making crippling errors of judgement from time to time. That’s scary. When you REALLY realise that. That ALL your knowledge and ALL your experience, and ALL your ‘good intentions’ WILL NOT SAVE YOU from your own ..fallabilty.
To err is human. Unfortunately.
We are all in the same boat. None of us REALLY know what we are doing.
We all LIKE to think we ‘know’ left from right.
But it’s not that simple.
Anyway. The issue of uncertainty aside.

I just hear myself saying to myself in my head 'Maybe I'm not that bad' in a sort of bewildered confused surprise. Like I just learned that black is white or up is down. It’s a confusing perception, but feels like a gradual dawning upon my senses that all this time I was wrong, and things really are NOT what they seem.

The reason I mention this, is because I tend to sponsor people with very low self-image. Way WAY !!! off the reality chart. They think they are second-class citizens or something. The thinking is SO pervasive and habitual, they don’t even notice it till I point it out. The look of aghast surprise when I tell them they have a DUTY to themselves to NOT permit others to mistreat them repeatedly comes as a HUGE surprise.
So what I’m saying is they are very LOW confidence, LOW self-belief types. (I might add that learning to NOT be a doormat is NOT as easy as it sounds. Those with persecution complexes for instance need to be VERY VERY !!! careful with this one, as they see ‘attack’ everywhere, and are frequently wrong.)

Anyway. I hear them saying later on, in the same slightly surprised tone I hear in my own head, saying ‘Maybe I’m not that bad’. And it makes me realise that we are having the same experience on some level or other. Which always cheers me up as I want sponsees to feel and experience the things I have felt in the process to getting well. It reassures me that I am passing it on. Thank god. You have to give it away to keep it. And I plan on keeping it.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a list a MILE long of stuff I want to be different. Stuff I have NO IDEA how I will crack. Seriously. Makes study look like a piece of cake!
I have SO many things I want to be different. But I have NO idea when or how it will happen. I’m just ‘plugging away’. Doing my lousy best. Seeing what happens. Some of this stuff I have been working on in some form or other for YEARS. And I am VERY stubborn!! Heheh. Even though I KNOW something is GOOD for me, I DO NOT LIKE HAVING TO LET GO OF OLD IDEAS and CONSIDER THAT I MIGHT BE COMLETELY !!!!! WRONG !!!! ABOUT SOMETHING.
Unfortunately that’s the ONLY way I know how to change things!
First. Consider the ! possibility that I am COMPLETLY !! WRONG about something!

Basically you have to eat a LOT of humble pie.
Eat your words.
Reverse ones ideas about things. All kinds of stuff.
Basically as they say in the U2 video for the the song ‘the fly..

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

Heheh. Its TRUE.
Horrifying isn’t it?
Heheee well you just gotta get used to it and get used to eating your words.

And here’s the thing.
As I am writing this. I KNOW that at some point in the future, I might ! look back at this and think..

W o w
I was S O wrong about that .. and I had NO idea. No clue at ALL.
But hey. On that cheery note! I may as well head off to the gym and all that stuff.

But do you see? Nothing is really certain. That’s what I mean. And even when we are quite nice human beings, we still have terrible, glaring weaknesses we have yet to discover, or fully appreciate. But glaring weaknesses are all part of the deal of being a human. So no big deal. What’s new?

That’s why I think its funny that people look at old timers like they ‘know the answers’. Anyone with ANY sense KNOWS they don’t know the answers. But I am CONVINCED that new people are attracted to people who have been around simply because they can SENSE that the ‘old timer’ can TELL that there are no ‘right’ answers. That ability to rest comfortably in uncertainty is what makes them look ‘safe’. Gawd knows.

Right. Gym beckons.

By the way, this ‘I’m not that bad’ stuff. I’m not fishing for compliments. I KNOW I’m alright, but I’m just sharing with you the conversations I have with myself regarding my own pervasive self doubt.

Also this is more relevant to those from the self-doubt end of the spectrum. I meet newcomers who have FAR too much confidence for heir own good. They reckon they are ‘A-ok!’ when they CLEARLY are not. Those people need a WHOLE different kind of conversation going on!! This is more for the people who CANNOT see no matter HOW hard they look, that they are ALRIGHT.
So there you go. See? You ARE MUCH better than you think. You just don’t know it yet. Yes and you have terrible flaws too, that you probably cant see either, but what I’m saying is that EVEN WITH THOSE TERRIBLE FLAWS, YOU ARE OK.
Flaws are normal. Even the terrible blind ones.
But YOU are OK. You are really quite a nice person. Yeah. ! Even you!
Weird huh?


So what's the moral of the story?
ACT AS IF YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF SH*T
Why?
Because you will be MAD !!!!! at yourself in years to come when it FINALLY dawns on you that actually.. YOU ARE NOT THAT BAD!
You will be KICKING yourself for all the wasted opportunities and things you just figured were IMPOSSIBLE or OUT OF REACH, when you realize you ARE ok.
So save yourself a LOT !!! of heartache and beating yourself up later, by ALWAYS AIMING HIGHER THAN YOU THINK YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO. (‘Beyond your wildest dreams’ as they say..)
The worst thing that can happen is that someone will tell you ‘No’.
But I would MUCH rather someone ELSE told you NO,
Than YOU told you NO.
See? The IDEAL ‘no’ comes from SOMEBODY ELSE, not from YOU.
so basically. Don’t discount yourself from stuff. Nice people, nice places, nice jobs, you name it.
Because in YEARS to come, LONG after opportunities have come and gone. You will FINALLY realize that you are a !! nice human being. That other people want to be around! Even the nice ! people want to be around! You know. Properly.
So there you go.

‘Simple but not easy’ as the saying goes.
Too right!
See y’all. Have a fabulous Thursday!

Had a great time thanks

Dalai Lama's chair at the end of a 5 day teaching in Nottingham 08, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Hope you guys are well and dandy. Thanks for popping by and offering encouragement and support. Its appreciated!
I had a great ! time in Nottingham though I'm not sure I did the initiation the justice it deserved, but thankfully my lousy best is good enough. I saw some AA's there and that made it all the more enjoyable as we were able to compare stories on how blissed out we were feeling by the whole thing. It makes all the difference when you get to share an event like that with other AAs. They hadn't been to see him before and they were blown away. It was really cool. Its something that only really makes sense when you see him in person. Gawd knows what it is, but it is really cool. You kindof want to adopt him or something at the end of the teaching!

I'm resting my brain for a bit, but I worry my brain will lose its edge if I don't keep learning new stuff. I think the exams were ok, but not in the ? High end of the scale. Alright but nothing dramatic in terms of impressive grades. We shall see when the results come out I guess.

I learned a lot about how to eat well to stay awake for long periods of time. That was interesting. I have a 'routine' of exam food now.
So yeah. Just relaxing at the moment. Watching POINTLESS films such as sex in the city, Indiana Jones, forgetting Sarah Marshall, and am now a bit bored of films..
Anyway I've got catching up of general stuff to do and usual life stuff to be getting on with, so I'm trying (!) to get all that back on track. Neglected gym, grooming etc, so I've no shortage of stuff to do and I want to prepare for term in otcober during the summer if I can summon up the discipline.
In the meantime its trips to the hairdressers, and getting back to a neglected home and work routine. So I'm not realy in a blogging mood at the moment. I've got to make decisions about October, make applications for further training and find out what grades are needed for different types of applications. Ie what the top end of the scale requires, and what the more mainstream applications expect. I dare say it changes year to year. Probably gets higher!
Programme stuff is just plodding along in the background so to speak. I have nothing new to say, or else I am too focused on sorting out study queries to think about AA stuff at the moment.
Plus is too ! sunny to think about anything meaningful at the moment! Weather is ! gorgeous and for once in a long time I am well rested, and have a little free time to indulge myself with, which can only be a good thing. So hope you all have are having a great time and if I can think of anything useful to add here I will, but my head is still swimming with study issues that need to be resolved this summer. Until I have figured that stuff out, I will be fairly preoccupied I think..
Hope your Wednesday is as good as the one over here is looking!

Wish me luck! See you back here in June..

Sorry I ain't been about, but blogging is too much of a distraction when I am trying to revise, so its taken a back seat. I'm VERY tired, but I think that's normal and thank GOD for AA meetings as its a little oasis of calm when study is ! Too much. So far so good. VERY scary exams 14th 22th and 27th. Dalai lama on 28th . Perfect!

Hope you guys are fine and dandy in an non-alcoholic sort of way!
Study is definitely a great way to learn about stress management, but I just might be ok. Not in the same league as April ( a in: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF ALCOHOL AND DRUG RECOVERY) who seems to be top of her class !!! year upon year, but alright so far.
Right I better be off. Mind how you go!, enjoy the sun, and see you back here end of the month!

John Legend's stripped-down, piano-based cover of Pride (In The Name of Love)

This is a lovely version of Pride. I just thought I would share it with you. i saw it mentioned on u2.com and had a listen. Very soulful. It's part of a two hour TV special marking the fortieth anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King. Apparently.

Right. Busy essay day! Have a lovely Monday!