14 years Sober. Relapse. Dead within a week.

Went to a meeting where a local guy shared that someone he knew from way back, (and had always spoken to fairly regularly), relapsed after 14 years and was dead within a week.
I didn't get the chance to find out if it's somebody I know, but I suspect it isn't, but you never know. It was a very sobering indictment of the importance of remaining vigilant / fit spiritual condition, and continuing to be willing to go to any lengths in order to face up to one's weaknesses and destructive habitual tendencies on a daily basis. It was very sad.
Another lady in the meeting discovered she had a serious cancer diagnosis in the previous week, which brings up to 3 the number of people who I have recently run into, who are undergoing tests of some sort for various cancer scares.
Nobody said life ever stopped happening when you get sober. It absolutely doesn't. None of us know what is round the corner.

I was very moved by the opportunity to be in the presence of people with real problems, and it felt precious having the opportunity to sit in a room with people who feel they have the permission to talk about these things freely, and share their burden.
I feel sorry for people who say they don't want to go to AA meetings anymore. I love going to them, and I love the opportunities for service that they provide. Each meeting shows me something about myself and about my attitudes to my fellow man, and allows me to stop and consider how I am responding to people places and things, and that insight is invaluable. I love being part of the tide of humanity.
It doesn't matter how long I've been around. I'm always touched and moved by being part of a group of alcoholics doing their lousy best to get well.

“Those who do not recover” p58, “fit spiritual condition” p85 and “spiritual status” p101

Please bear with me while I roll out a few quotes before I get to the jist of this post ☺

“Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average. There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.” (p58, AA Big Book)

“If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing.” (p70, AA Big Book)

“And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition.” (p85, AA Big Book)

We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. (p101, AA Big Book)

if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead. (p15, AA Big Book)
Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. (p20, AA Big Book)
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. (p97, AA Big Book)

Whew! Sorry for all those quotes, but I need them all to make this point unfortunately.. Thanks for bearing with me ☺ Here we go..

Please (!!!!!!) do not confuse ‘not drinking’, or being ‘dry’, with (what the big book calls) being ‘recovered’ (p xxiii, xv, xvii, 133, 132, 113, 90) or being in ‘fit spiritual condition’. (p85, AA Big Book)

Instead of asking yourself, “How long has that person been sober?”, ask yourself “What might that person’s spiritual status be?” or “Does that person look like they might be in fit spiritual condition” or “Does that person look, speak, or act, or describe their perceptions of life, like a person who has 'recovered'?”

All I know is that there are many very mentally unwell people in AA, and in my opinion it is foolish to equate length of sobriety with competence. If people are uptight, disparaging, grumpy, lifeless, dour, bitchy, intolerant, complaining, somber, humourless, irritable, restless control freaks, then I am not particularly impressed by what they have, no matter how long they are around.
It’s not really how long sober you are that matters, what matters is whether it looks as though you have ‘recovered’. I say ‘looks’ because unless you are a mind reader, you are required to refer to the experience of other people in AA in order to make use of the program, and in order to do that, you are required to identify people in AA who are examples of what the programme can achieve when used to good effect. Because you and I are incapable of reading minds we have to make estimates as to who is making good use of the programme, in order to obtain the help we need when seeking reliable advice and feedback about how to get well and stay well.

This is in regards to seeking reliable guidance and direction. This is not the same as learning from others. I can learn something from !!!! everybody, even if all I learn from them is patience because they are exasperating, or gratitude, because they are about to die of liver failure due to repeated relapses, or are serving a murder sentence for losing control in a blackout.

No. What I’m talking about here is seeking reliable direction and feedback about how to live well by applying the programme of recovery. For me I will obtain that from only the people who have ‘got what I want’. And in order to figure out who ??? those people are, I pay attention to their capacity to remain in ‘fit spiritual condition’ as described in the big book on page 85.

As the first 9 steps represent the recovery and steps 10, 11 and 12 represent the maintenance of recovery, this is where I have interpreted the point of recovery to be. (I am only passing on what old timers passed on to me regarding their interpretation of recovery btw). Also make note, I refer to what I am describing as an interpretation. Some people draw the conclusion that anyone who makes use of certain definitions must automatically have fixed views, (much like the fixed view that AA’s who rely on certain definitions are people who have fixed views. ☺), but that’s neither here nor there, I just mention that as this is a view I have observed many times in AA.

What the big book refers to as ‘recovered’ has a specific ‘look’ in the basic text. A description of how someone can look after completing the first nine steps is vividly illustrated in the chapter a promise to you on page 85 next to the explicit reference to being in fit spiritual condition.
Instead of getting hung up on the terms, as some people do, why not use this benchmark of ‘wellness’ in the basic text as a way of identifying those in the programme who are WELL (recovered, whatever you choose to call it) as opposed to DRY. Disregard the length of time sober. There are many dishonest people in AA and always have been, so when attempting to identify who might be in fit spiritual condition, for the purposes of seeking needed advice, use your common sense and do NOT assume that because someone is DRY that they are somehow ??? not at grave risk of drinking, killing themselves, killing other people, committing sex offences, or going insane. All these things ARE possible for those that ‘do not recover’ from the crippling illness of alcoholism. There are only TWO ways this disease can end up if untreated, insanity or death.
“The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.” (p30, AA Big Book)
Untreated alcoholism is not a pretty sight. In my opinion anyway.

Plus we occasionally have members who have very !!!! serious and dangerous mental illnesses, have had lobotomies, and all sorts. I have met just about every kind in AA meetings :) Yes including one who has had a lobotomy.. I have been lucky enough to witness first hand some very !!! mentally unwell people get well and lead positive and fulfilling lives, IF they completely give themselves to this simple program, so i know that the following quote is not wishful thinking.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.” (p58, AA Big Book)

Btw, People who have long periods of sobriety AND at the same time manage to stay in fairly fit spiritual condition DO manage to acquire skills and abilities over time which cannot be acquired in a short span of time, but because people are so different, and rates of improvement vary so wildly, again this cannot be relied upon as a hard and fast guide. So ultimately common sense must prevail when trying to figure these things out.

So yeah, just thought I would mention that, for what its worth as it was on my mind lately. If any of that makes sense to you, great, if not, that’s fine too as it is a very long time since I deluded myself into thinking all members of AA might agree with me all the time. They don’t. ☺ And I believe wholeheartedly that this is as normal in AA, as it is in every other walk of life. There is no need for me to make it into a problem. Choice of terminology is not an issue for me as I look for similarities not differences, which means that I identify with pretty much everybody, which might sound confusing, but in practice is anything but.
Whatever. I’m just digressing now. Too long as usual. ☺ I have lots of !! difficult things to do so I’d better get on with them ☺
Have a fabulous Thursday, and I hope life is treating you well.

Big Book Search Engine

'Fit SPIRITUAL condition'. NOT 'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'

"That is how we react so long as we keep in fit SPIRITUAL condition."
(p85, AA Big Book)

What IS 'Fit SPIRITUAL condition'? (p85, AA Big Book)
That's another post.

'Fit SPIRITUAL condition' (p85, AA Big Book) MAY or MAY NOT manifest as 'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'

But many unconsciously read this sentence as MEANING
'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'

Which it is NOT (!!!) saying.
Think about it.
Its SO !! easy to UNCONSCIOUSLY MISINTERPRET what the big book is saying VERY !! directly to us
WITHOUT EVER REALISING IT.

Whatever.
I'm just drawing your attention to this (what I see as) IMPORTANT distinction.
I will !! TRY (!) to explain what 'Fit SPIRITUAL condition' is another post. (Difficult !!!! or what!)

For now, just remember that the big book does NOT suggest we aim to achieve 'fit PSYCHOLOGICAL condition'. Meaning the aim is not to become more PSYCHOLOGICALLY ADVANCED.
Nope.
Not to increase our Psychological knowledge, proficiency or expertise.
Certainly not as a primary goal.
It may (or may not) occur as a fortunate !! BY PRODUCT of having a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, (p60, AA Big Book) and thereafter keeping in fit SPIRITUAL condition. (p85, AA Big Book)
BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT THE BIG BOOK IS TELLING US (in no uncertain terms) WHAT WE OUGHT TO BE STRIVING FOR.

Whatever. Just thought I would mention that if you haven't already spotted it.
Basically recovery has VERY LITTLE to do with PSYCHOLOGICAL GOALS, but has a GREAT DEAL to do with SPIRITUAL GOALS.
Which are distinctly different to the former, (in my perception anyhow.)
That's my experience. Make of it what you will. For all I know ? this is glaringly ! obvious to you all already..

Have a great Thursday!

"If you want to hide something from an alcoholic, put it in the Big book"

Practicing 24hr service need not mean a massive restructuring of your day (Or life)

Well faith without works is dead, so I see a spiritual life as one as orientated toward the benefit of as many others as poss.

At first glance it is easy to assume that that must mean 24hr hospice work or something. But what I have found is that EVERYTHING (eating, gym, answering the phone etc) can be done with either a SELF OBSESSED agenda (motive), or a CONSIDERATION OF OTHERS welfare. (motive). meaning it is an ATTITUDE more than an action.

But having said that, when I have some spare time I DO try to use that for the benefit of others. But I also see being well and happy as a GREAT form of service, as it helps ALL those you come into contact with.

Think HONESTLY about who has helped you MOST.
What did they do?
Well that's a good idea of what REALLY helps people as opposed to how you THINK they ought to be helped.

I find it is kindness and love that helps me most. so that's what i try to offer others. Think of a 'life of service' more as a perspective, or 'view' that encompasses the welfare of others that you meet, rather than HAIR SHIRT idea of self denial and martyrdom. Because that doesn't help anyone. the happier YOU are, the more you can help others.

Don't worry about it. Just try to help a few newcomers and see what happens. You don't have to fix them. Just TRY and be helpful. Point them in the right direction and ell them the REALLY SIMPLE stuff that you take for granted, that they have never heard before. 'Its the FIRST drink that does the damage' and so forth. Might not seem like much to you, but information like that can make the difference between success and failure for those people. You'd be surprised!

Anyway better go. Just try to think of what you can do for the newest people in the groups you go to. Remind them of the baby talk. Tell them to get phone no's. Take theirs and try calling them briefly the next day just to say hello and ask what meeting they are going to later. Nothing special. But you would be surprised how good it makes you feel.
Self obsession on the other hand, is always a bit of a (!!) downer!

'Lost' in Uncharted Territory: I have no compass. And I have no map. Uncertainty can be a guiding light.

Growing up in just about any way at all means journeys out of your comfort zone are UNAVOIDABLE.
Welcome to UNCHARTED TERRITORY.
Even though this new stuff is GOOD, it can STILL feel VERY scary when embarked upon, and uncertain. Terrifying, as a matter of fact. For some anyhow.

After a lifetime of drama and fear, and survival skills, feeling comfortable can feel like something is missing.
Not feeling constantly preoccupied can feel like something is 'wrong'.
Also when really SERIOUSLY reevaluating long held beliefs WITH ALL SINCERITY, it can completely 'Rock your World'. Realizations can be VERY far from comfortable. People think insights will be 'comforting', or 'cozy'. Not so. Some can be terrifying. They challenge EVERYTHING. It can seem like there is NOTHING to hold onto. Sometimes, because, for the time being anyhow, there ISN'T. (..Oh ye of little faith.)

So I'm just saying. Feeling 'lost' or without any reference to hold on to, is not comfortable as such, but I see it as being very healthy. Meaning you are in a process of reevaluation.
BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, you need to use a little common sense with this. Do this in moderation. Don't go 'full tilt' if you can't hack it. If its all getting a bit much, go do something very simple and reassuring, like go to a meeting and coffee after. Have a nap or go see a nice movie. You know, unchallenging stuff. Gym. Whatever.

For a LOT of us, the UNKNOWN and UNCHARTED world is the world of 'Happy joyous and free'.
The world of 'comfortable in my own skin'.
The world of 'There are no 'Big Deals'.
The world of TRUST.
The world of 'I feel safe'.
The world of 'I feel looked after'.

Not everybody. But a LOT. Especially those with abusive pasts.
Or those who live in TERROR of rejection.
Or those with CHRONIC DEPENDENDENCE upon external validation in the form of a relationship. (Most women seem to think their lives are a travesty of inconsequence if they are not in the role of wife/girlfriend) Jeez. Almost as mad as when a guy thinks he is a complete waste of space unless he is a ? 'sufficient' ? Breadwinner.
We are all as bad as each other really. We are ALL riddled with crazy irrationalities. What separates the men from the boys, is not whether we HAVE them, its to what extent we allow our lives to be DOMINATED by them. That all. So don't go thinking you are some kind of freak loser because you have spotted an irrationality. Welcome to the human condition!! It is CHOCK full of paradoxes and contradictions. Sure beats a Rubik cube any day for its brain teasing capacities!

Like Bono says in Zooropa
And I have no compass.
And I have no map.
And I have no reasons.
No reasons to get back.

And I have no religion.
And I don't know what's what.
And I don't know the limit.
The limit of what we've got.

Don't worry baby. It'll be alright.
You got the right shoes.
To get you through the night.
It's cold outside. But brightly lit.
Skip the subway.
Let's go to the overground.
Get your head out of the mud baby.
Put flowers in the mud baby.
Overground.

No particular place names.
No particular song.
I've been hiding.
What am I hiding from?

Don't worry baby. It's gonna be alright.
Uncertainty can be a guiding light.
I hear voices. Ridiculous voices.
In the slipstream.
Let's go. Let's go overground.
Take your head out of the mud baby.

She's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in.
She's gonna dream out loud.

Constant thought of Others (Not just Newcomers): ALL life situations can be viewed as "An Opportunity for Service"

There is nothing more to life than giving. Being helpful. Its the only reason we're here really. To TRY to help one another.
See the film Groundhog day.
Any life lived in the absence of 'giving' is a life not worth having. Well that's what I think. A spirit of generosity is EVERYTHING. Without it, it is a VERY grey lackluster world.
This is a clip from the film Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97)
"CONSTANT thought of Others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20)

Service is NOT something you do at the weekends. Or something you reserve for newcomers. It is an ATTITUDE. A service mindset.
ALL life situations can be viewed as 'An opportunity for service"
Just requires a little imagination. That's all.
Job, prayer life, family life. EVERYTHING can be done with an ATTITUDE of EITHER Self Seeking OR Self Forgetting.
EVE-RY-THING!

Alcoholics are APPALLINGLY Self centered. This CHRONIC self obsession is the root of their suffering. And poisons their experience of their life no matter HOW many fortunate circumstances they may obtain. Including fortunate religious circumstances.

If ALL you do is help the occasional newcomer, and then go right back to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED, in ALL your affairs, you will CONTINUE to suffer.

Self Seeking v's Self Forgetting
So basically Newcomers are your BEST CHANCE at grasping the importance of not being SELF OBSESSED.
If you think you can view Service as being CONFINED to newcomers, you are SORELY mistaken.
Until you TRANSFER the SKILL of SELF FORGETTING , FIRST acquired whilst working with newcomers, TO EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE , you will continue to "step on the toes of your fellows and they retaliate". (p62)

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate" (p62)

So yeah. The first 100 members were Not talking out of their A*SE when they said
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery".

Trust me. Its the truth. Whether you like it or not.
Helping NOT JUST NEWCOMERS.
Helping FULL STOP.

That's why they say:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

OTHERS.
Not JUST newcomers.

Yeah newcomers get PRIORITY. Why?
"Our PRIMARY purpose is to STAY sober and HELP other ALCOHOLICS to ACHIEVE sobriety." (From The AA Preamble)

So yeah. They get TOP priority. In terms of free time. (If any!)
But AFTER that, we help 'others'.
Ie ANYBODY.
Not just arbitrarily.
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

Ie in a way that helps as MANY as possible. So try to help in such a way that brings the greatest benefit to the greatest number with the limited resources of time and energy you have. It is a complex moral argument. One has to delegate time and energy with the consideration of the potential impact one can make. An ineffectual and time consuming ATTEMPT to help, deprives many others who COULD have been helped with a better course of action or a more effectual strategy.
So basically its a very STRATEGIC approach to the expenditure of ones time and energy in trying to help others.

My EXPERIENCE is that when I pursue a life goal with a SELF SEEKING motive
I do not have as much success in achieving that goal, as when I adopt a SELF FORGETTING motive.
My mind is clearer, when I adopt the latter.
I can see the wood for the trees.
More is revealed.
Plus I don't p*ss people off nearly as much.
I meet the right people at the right time.
I 'bump into' the right information.
It just 'works' better.

Yeah DESPERATION gets results too. But the emotional 'fallout' for THAT coping mechanism is VERY high. Its a very UPTIGHT condition to maintain. Unless you plan on anesthetizing yourself with mind altering drugs to 'take the edge off', you could end up like a VERY !!! tightly coiled spring!

How do you know when you are doing this thing?
When you keep having the experience Bill Murray has when he is on the dance floor in the movie Groundhog Day. Ie Almost every conversation he has includes an expression of appreciation for a past act of some sort. There is also some unspoken appreciation which is just as real, but doesn't take the form of words. Its not that difficult to tell when one is appreciated. If people are always glad to see us, we can assume they benefit from their association with us.

But the rule is. Just like Bill Murray does in the film..
YOU DO THESE THINGS ONLY !! TO THE EXTENT THAT THEY LIFT ! YOUR SPIRITS.
If you become a MARTYR
You get 'NIL POINTS'

Why?
Because by becoming a MARTYR
You place yourself in BREACH of the EXPLICIT instruction
"We (meaning the first 100 members) are SURE that GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE" p133 Big Book
"WE (meaning the first 100 members) ABSOLUTELY INSIST on ENJOYING LIFE" p132 Big Book

So, Get off the cross we need the wood
Do it like Bill Murray instead.
Have some FUN with it for Gods sakes!

Perhaps that clarifies what I mean when I use the word 'service' better..
Have a good Monday y'all.. Keep on keepin on as they say..

I have a great life, but I would lack the POWER to enjoy it if I did not "Perfect and enlarge my spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice"

I have a great life, (in my opinion anyway) but I would lack the POWER to enjoy it if I did not:
"perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others," (p14)

""Lack of power, that was our dilemma."
as they say.
"we could wish to be philosophically comforted, (ie enjoy all our COOL STUFF) in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)"

Service. Helping others achieve sobriety, and having a life purpose of "constant thought of others and how I can meet their needs" (p20) is the lynch pin of ALL my inner joy.
So, How many newcomers are you helping stay sober these days?
They are TOTALLY mind altering!

People think I am being 'nice' because I try to be helpful. But I am am taking care of ME. Of MY life.
I KNOW that the less self centered I am the BETTER my life works. So keeping my brain in "constant thought of others and how I can meet their needs" (p20) 'gear', by trying to help alcoholics for a short while every day, is no big deal. I see it like brushing my teeth. Or having a shower. It takes about the same amount of time, so what's the problem? Doesn't feel like sacrifice to me. It feels good. Why else would I do it?

So what I'm saying is
SERVICE MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD
"constant thought of others and how I can meet their needs" (p20) MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD

I have cool things in my life, but where does my joy emanate from?
SERVICE
Weird huh?
I've long since stopped trying to figure it out. All I know is THAT'S HOW IT IS. That's how life WORKS.
So that's what I do.
Easy really.

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now." (p124)
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead" (p14)
"Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

So if you want to feel gloriously !! happy, fulfilled, and have a sense of meaning and purpose
GO GRAB YOURSELF A PERSON NEWER THAN YOU
And pass on WHATEVER you know. NOMATTTER HOW LITTLE.
Hey you gotta start somewhere.
Just TRY to be helpful. That's all. Just do your lousy best and let go of the outcome.

Then, you can enjoy all the !! Cool things in your life!! Excellent huh?
Oh yeah. And it practically GUARANTEES you stay sober!!
Why?
"Chapter 7 Working with others. Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail." (p89)

So its a DOUBLE WIN really...
Have a nice Thursday y'all..

Untreated Alcoholism: 'Stinking thinking". The STEPS are the answer. NOT Self Knowledge, or Will Power.

Inside All Saints Margaret Street Church London, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

"Stinking Thinking leads to Drinking"

This is for those of you who are new, and have not yet got a Sponsor, and started working through the Steps, as laid out in the Basic Text of AA. (The Big Book)
I remember I had to hear AA members repeat this SO !! MANY TIMES before I really HEARD it. That's why I'm spelling it out here. !

Lets say you have reached a point after starting coming to meetings where you are just beginning to see that instead of being a 'nice person'. Or a 'victim of circumstance', that actually, you have a little more 'stinking thinking' than you first realized. (!!!)
That actually you are a bit ! selfish.
That actually you have about as much gratitude as a gnats chuff.
That actually people annoy you quite a LOT.
That the general conversation, 'washing machine' thoughts that rumble around in your head, ARENT ACTUALLY THAT !!!! POSITIVE.

Well at this point it is tempting to think, that what AA offers is something 'educational' or 'self aware'. A bit like therapy perhaps. This is not so. Not entirely anyway. Self knowledge plays a PART, but not a very BIG part. The 'meat and potatoes' is in the STEPS. Well that's what I've found anyway.
Right. So regarding those negativities or mental 'defects' that you have started to spot..
"Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power."
p62

"We found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn´t there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly."
p45

"the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience."
p39

And regarding any thoughts about drinking you may be experiencing..
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power."
p43

"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (Doesn't say, "except for Mary, Joan, or Bridget')
p60

So if the problem isn't ''selfishness' (or any other 'stinking thinking" ) as such. What IS the problem?
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. we had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that´s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."
p45

So how exactly am I supposed to " find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."?
"Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery"
p59
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps"
p60

So. There's your answer.
The STEPS will restore you to sanity.
Which will enable you to have a mental defence against alcohol. See page 84.

(After step 9) regarding alcohol:
"We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. WE react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid."
p84

And will provide you with the 'needed power" to do many things which until now have been beyond reach. Such as to act in keeping with the " moral and philosophical convictions galore" which you have, but are unable to live up to. Eg selfishness etc.

But to do the steps, you will need a sponsor. The more contented the better, the more peace of mind the better. Find the best available woman in your neighborhood and ask her to take you through the first nine steps. After that its just maintenance.
But most importantly,
"the (drink) problem has been removed. It does not exist for us."
p84

Which is why we all showed up in AA in the first place, lets face it!

So happy hunting! And I hope you find a good un!

The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether'

Chapel in Lincolns Inn, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

This really relates to the previous post called American Beauty: "But it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world".
Do you notice that when you watch that clip from yesterdays post about the movie American Beauty,, that it ? 'connects' you to another ? 'transcendent', 'ethereal' mind state?

Sometimes I call it being a 'space cadet'.
Sometimes I call it being 'tuned in'.
Sometimes I call it 'transcendent'
It feels a little ? 'ethereal', high or spaced out..
Like the veil between this world and ? Another world gets just a little bit thinner. Feels weird, but in a GOOD way.

Well that's what life is like when your MOTIVE is to be of MAXIMUM HELPFULNESS, and your life is about SERVICE. That is the ? 'magic fairy dust' I was talking about* that comes into existence when we think of what we can do for others, and go out of our way to REALLY help newcomers. Its VERY cool.
But I use this term a LOT (One foot in the 'World', one foot in the 'Ether') to describe what it feels like to be 'living along spiritual lines.'
Its ADDICTIVE once you get a 'taste' 'of it. Feels thoroughly blissful. I can highly recommend it!!

And what do you have to do to get this thing?
Well, my theory is
Constant thought of others in the form of a MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM HELPFULNESS, 'in ALL your affairs'.

There is a LOT to this and I am in the process of TRYING to commit it to posts, but haven't finished it. Its the best part of my programme, and one of the most laborious to explain. Ah well. I will get it done at some point.
Anyway. Have yourselves a DANG good Tuesday!

*See post called "Magic Fairy Dust: Constant Thought of others, combined with MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness"

Quality not Quantity: TY show called Faking it: FURTHER proof that length of Sobriety ALONE counts for VERY little

"Quality not Quantity" is the slogan that tells us that the length of time sober ALONE tells us VERY LITTLE about a person. Nor is it an indication of skill or expertise in regards to the degree of wellbeing achieved. Not everyone uses the time in AA wisely! Some use the time to better effect than others.

Newcomers always seem to think I am pulling their leg when I say that. But I mean it with utmost sincerity. I never, repeat NEVER, assume that someone is in more impressive 'fit spiritual condition', simply because they have been sober longer than another person. There's just MORE to it than that I'm afraid.

Anyway, it just crossed my mind when I happened upon this TV programme called Faking it by Channel 4., that it illustrates this wisdom PERFECTLY. So I am drawing your attention to it.

Here's some blurb from the website for the show:
"Faking It is a transformational battle against the odds. Our faker is plucked from their natural habitat and given four weeks to master a skill well enough to fool a group of EXPERT judges."

OFTEN, the Panel of EXPERTS, conclude that the FAKE does a BETTER in 28 DAYS than others who have been doing the SAME thing for YEARS. DECADES in fact.
So what does that tell you?

See? Quality NOT Quantity.

Here. is a link to the Channel Four website for the show
And here. is a link to an episode of the show on google videos, about a posh history of art guy who becomes a grafitti artist in 28 days!!!!
How cool is that??

Helping others: Martyrs are INCREDIBLY !! UNspiritual

Relevant quotes:
"We (meaning the first 100 members) are SURE that GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE" p133 Big Book
"WE (meaning the first 100 members) ABSOLUTELY INSIST on ENJOYING LIFE" p132 Big Book

"Get off the cross we need the wood"

Helping others does NOT involve, becoming a MARTYR. Because AA tells us VERY specifically that martyrs are INCREDIBLY UNspiritual. Martyr is synonymous with 'sufferance', and there is not a SHRED of that 'sufferance' ideology in the Big Book. So unless you are confident that you know better than the first 100 members, you will take that on board and work from the assumption that the 'martyr trip' is NOT in keeping with AA doctrine.
In fact you would be SERIOUSLY endangering your 'fit spiritual condition' if you were to decide to play the martyr.

So no. The AA 'Rules' are that:
A) GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE,
and B) WE ABSOLUTELY INSIST ON ENJOYING LIFE. No exceptions.

So, as long as you are HJ&Free, you can help as many people as you like!
As SOON as your attempts to help others STOP feeling HJ&Free, then you KNOW you must be OFF TRACK in some way.
Either you are doing it WRONG, or you are doing it TOO MUCH. Could be one or the other.
Basically, if 'constant thought of others feels BAD, then you are doing it WRONG. Sorry! There are NO exceptions to that rule. Not in the Big book anyway! So if that id your experience..then back to the drawing board with that instruction, as you haven't quite figured it out yet.
(Well that's how I do it, and that's how I ? 'pass it on' to others. Seems to work for me AND for them.

Quality not Quantity: Old timer (? As far as I know.?.) shagging a 14 yr old girl. Allegedly.

Disillusionment: Sexual misconduct: ? AA ? Old timer (? 60 yrs old) having sexual relations with 14 year old, over a year or so . Allegedly.

When I talk about 'disappointing' or 'disillusionment'. it sounds rather mild mannered, doesn't it? Well the REALITY of 'disappointing' and 'disillusionment' is actually rather RAW and depressing!! To say the least!!!! Here's an example for you so you can get my drift.
Here's an example of something disillusioning and disappointing..

Its a story in the paper I read the other day.
I read about a guy I knew from AA AGES ago (18 years ago or something) who as far as I know stayed sober but I don't really know, as don't bump into him very often and even when I did see him regularly, I never made an effort to get to know him or talk to him.

Basically there are VERY FEW guys in AA that I speak to or get to know. Partly because there are SO MANY I wouldn't have the time even if I DID want to, and also because a lot of them are lonely and MISINTERPRET friendliness as sexual interest. Basically its just MUCH easier if I stick with the women..

Well anyway, he ALLLEGEDLY had sex with a 14 year old. Blah blah blah. Yeah also cleared of looking at kiddie porn for 'research purposes'. Yeah right.
Whatever. I don't think his name or the details are important. The only reason I mention this is because I saw it in the paper, and just beforehand was ? Moved to post about 'beware of aa old-timers full of s**t' yesterday. So you could say there was a bit of a theme going on there!!

So do you see !! WHY you should never just assume that just because someone has been sober for a long time that they must somehow be ? Less fallible, or less likely to be full of CRAP than anyone else????

See????? QUALITY NOT QUANTITY!!!!!!!
I think this case history makes that !! abundantly clear.

Anyway, before you all start frothing at the mouth and despairing as to the general plight of the human condition nowadays, FIRSTLY
I've seen a TON of sexual misconduct by old timers since I've been in AA, so this is NOTHING NEW to me. Its called 13th stepping and it happens ALL THE TIME. AA has its fair share of (what I call) 'sexual predators' who look out for very new bewildered, and very impressionable new girls to get off with, after spouting a few aa clichés and what have you.
Its EASY. Like shooting fish in a barrel. So it is an ongoing problem. Rather than whinge about it, I try to be part of the solution and 'brief' new women of this inherent risk AS SOON AS THEY COME TO MEETINGS. Whatever. That all I can do really. I can't 'change' the men's behavior, so I try to protect the women instead.

By the way I DO NOT HATE GUYS. Just in case you are thinking that. I have been very lucky in getting to know some really nice people in aa, but I have to admit, that by and large I am MUCH more 'at home' with people who are NOT alcoholics. Generally. That's a very personal thing, but its just how I feel. I feel more comfortable with non alcoholics. I RELATE more to alcoholics, but I would rather be with NON alcoholics.
Right I'm off.. Again. !

Supposed 'Authorities' in AA: Don't be INTIMIDATED by them. Make your OWN mind up.

And yes. That includes me. (Just in case you have the MISFORTUNE to either put me on a ? 'pedestal', or conclude that I am any less FALLIBLE than any other human being)

Why?
Tradition 2:
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; THEY DO NOT GOVERN.

Tradition 12:
"ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities."

Yes on the one hand, if people are VERY new, or I have GRAVE, IMMEDIATE concerns about them, I MAY choose to suggest something VERY clearly. But OUTSIDE of that, (after step 9 really) I would MUCH PREFER people to think for themselves.

That's one (of the many) reasons why I prefer not to sponsor formally after step 9. I want people to START THINKING FOR THEMSELVES.
Ok , if they REALLY want to ask me about something in particular, fair enough. But what I DON"T want them to do, is to end up thinking that they are SOMEHOW INCAPABLE OF FIGURING THINGS OUT FOR THEMSELVES.

Apart from the fact that I would have NO FREE TIME WHATSOVER if I chose NOT to do that. I strongly believe that it is in THEIR best interests to learn to start to trust their OWN judgment.
I just don't think its right if you end up thinking that you are ALWAYS wrong, or that you cant make a decision about something without asking a dozen people.
Basically its all about balance.
Yeah, some cant make a decision for love nor money and end up asking a TON of people. And then others think they know everything!!! And are a bit peculiar in my opinion!
Yeah, and the ones that are angry, depressed, or fearful, well they cant see the wood for the trees so they have a lop sided view which isn't very good when trying to make decisions. Oh well.

I mean the 'normal' ones. (after step 9 really) They need to be FAR more confident of their perceptions and their ability to figure things out. Yes, of course they will make STUPID mistakes, but that's going to happen anyway. Life involves taking risks. You cant avoid that. And with risk comes the possibility of embarrassing failure.
Personally I LOVE asking cool people questions about how to go about my life. (Any excuse to talk to them really) But there are not many people that fall into that category I'm afraid to say.

What I was TRYING to say before I got HOPELESSLY sidetracked, is
DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY PEOPLE IN AA (or any other 12 step programme) WHO PROFESS TO BE AN 'AUTHORITY' ON ??? ANY ASPECT OF RECOVERY.
I may be infuriatingly clear in the manner in which I choose to express myself, but I do NOT, I repeat.. NOT
THINK I HAVE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.
And in fact I go to a LOT of trouble to try VERY HARD to communicate that to people. In fact it ANNOYS me when anybody makes that assumption about me, or any other member of AA. I find admiring comments quite ikky too..
So there you go.
So, Don't EVER let ANYBODY talk DOWN to you. EVER. (Talking down to you is SUPERIORITY, not humility.)
Or I will send the boys round!! Heheh..
See? I can be intimidating TOO when I try!!. Were you scared???
Oh well. Never mind. Maybe next time...

PS: Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against expertise. I think when I say 'authority' here I mean something that appears to be 'superior, or 'better than', in a way that INHIBITS one from including ones own version of events. Sort of like when you dismiss your own concerns because you think 'they know better'. That's what I mean. What Im trying to describe here is arrogance and superiority, not expertise.
For instance I really like Bill gates, and he is very much an expert, but I do not perceive him as presenting himself as 'the final word' on matters regarding computers. He does not strike me as 'superior'. Or an 'unquestioned authority'.
Anyway I hope that makes it a little clearer..

What I consider to be 'Bad' Sponsors

To be honest I get a bit fed up listening to stories of people who have sponsors who:

Change plans at the last minute. Or don't show up.
Are never available.
Say they are going to do stuff and then don't do it. Ie unreliable and flaky.
Cannot be got hold of on the phone.
End up talking about THEIR OWN STUFF instead of the Sponsees stuff.
Are totally inflexible.
Get pissed off with Sponsees when the approach they are using is partly responsible for causing friction. Ie blame the Sponsee instead of reappraising the method they are using. Hey don't get me wrong, all Sponsees can drive you NUTS, but by and large it is WRONG to always assume that the fault lies with the Sponsee. That's all. Sometimes a different approach is needed. A tougher approach, or a softer approach. It all depends. Again this is at the discretion of the sponsor. If you simply do not have time for constructing another approach, then you have no choice but to suggest they find a different sponsor.

I have a list a mile long !!! of (what I consider to be) bad sponsorship, but I have focused here mainly on:
Flakiness
Unmanageability
Basic inability to get to grips with the Sponsee.

There are very common complaints. But there are many others!

Quality not Quantity

There are PLENTY of nutcases in AA as you probably know by now, and there's no reason why sponsor might not be a bit nutty too!! You can't put them on pedestals! Just because they've got some time DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. You'd be surprised how disappointing the human condition is!
Either find someone with more structure in the way they sponsor people, then hopefully they will have more free time. Either that or get someone who has no job, no hobbies, no friends so plenty of free time!!

I ALWAYS say "QUALITY NOT QUANTITY"
Meaning the QUALITY of their 'wellbeing' and their ability to cope with life, is FAR more important than HOW LONG THEY HAVE BEEN SOBER. Mind you the quality of wellbeing has a different value over time. Dizzy idealism may 'look' positive in the early years, but is replaced with a more mature 'benign wellbeing' in later recovery. So yes, positivity 'looks' different over time. But that's a different post really.

I do not need to 'be reminded' of the effects of alcoholism in order to want sobriety

"We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, THE PROBLEM HAS BEEN REMOVED. IT DOES NOT EXIST FOR US. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid. That is how we react so long as we keep in FIT SPIRITUAL CONDITION."
p85 Big book.

When people in AA meetings nod sagely when a relapser (upon returning to meetings), 'meaningfully' reports how much worse it got whilst they were out, I wonder to myself, "Jeez, when was the last time these people bothered to speak to a newcomer???' ..they should know this stuff like the back of their hand!! They shouldn't need a relapser to come to meetings to 'report back'. (!!)

I suppose I am forced !! to observe the consequences of active alcoholism when I help people through the steps and help newcomers, so I am made aware of stuff like this whether I like it or not. Just never find myself 'forgetting it', or 'needing to be reminded' like I often hear people say in meetings.

I often hear this bandied about in meetings, as a popular idea about an important aid to stay sober. Along the lines of 'this is why I come to meetings," or "I needed to be reminded of how awful drinking is'. Or 'that helped me stay sober'. To me this way of staying sober bears little resemblance to the protection from relapse described on page 84 and 85 of the big book, so it has no relevance to my own sobriety, or my Sponsees, or my old home group for that matter. Basically I do not relate to it at all.

Its like that thing 'who ever heard of a hay fever sufferer with a compulsion to sniff flowers?' to me anyway, what these people are describing is a very weak mental defence, if it needs to be reinforced in this way. It means they clearly do not already feel " as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected." (p85)

Whatever. Its NONE OF MY BUSINESS how others conduct their own recovery, but that does irritate me somewhat. Its a grave misunderstanding of what AA proposes as a way of obtaining a mental defence. Its a LONG way from the 'fit spiritual condition' described in page 85. To my mind anyway.

Yes I KNOW this is a 'popular belief' in AA but I'm aware of that, and that's the main reason I'm drawing attention to (what I see) as inconsistencies between the reasoning inherent in those statements and the mental defence as described in the basic text. Also it bears little resemblance to my experience, but then, so does EVERYTHING I post as one of my polices is that what I share here is based on various 'case histories', including my own.

We are never 'cooked'. There is no 'let up' as such.

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do"
p85 Big Book

If anything, MORE is required of us as our capability increases. Having said that, yes it feels a damm site easier than the first year, but I think we just can't 'get away' with negativity and the defence of 'I didn't know any better' as time goes on. Well it gets harder to underperform. The excuses run out!

I think this thing of 'wanting all the hard work to end' is like the part of us that wanted to blot things out with alcohol and ? drugs, TV whatever. we love the ? work to be over, but life's just not that simple. It really helped me in step 11 to meet really !! awesome people and to find out just how HARD they were working. Every day. made me feel like a bit of a Nancy. I used to think that you could sort of do a phd in spirituality and the tough lessons would be over. well now that I know how !! hard the seriously ! cool people are working. well i find it very humbling. i have NO excuse to take a day 'off'. each to their own. some would say that level of vigilance is not necessary. but i am motivated to TRY to emulate the approach of the people that inspire me, so that's why i prefer to be a little fussy. I just 'want what they have'. that's it really. and not ONE of them is a slouch. so I'm stuck with that approach.
I think it would be very easy to declare oneself 'cooked' and put your feet up for a while, and to be honest I like the less demanding plateaus when they show up, but I think the more work you do, the more is revealed, the more the ego is punctured. I used to think that was a bad thing, but when I met some !! Amazing people in step 11 who made it look consummately beautiful and do-able, I was sold. I don't mind it now really. Now I just don't identify with people who talk or act like they have figured 'it' out. It looks really unattractive and arrogant, and mentally lazy, now that I think of it. Staying 'in the oven' for the rest of ones life CAN be carried off in a VERY elegant manner. It IS possible. Its hard work. But its worth it. It is right to want to safeguard what you have 'built' so far. I think its very healthy to value and appreciate the benefits of recovery when they show up. I don't think its neurotic to fear losing those things. I'm sure you have experienced the ? Inexplicable pull toward negativity when we let up on something, stop making an effort, or indulge some petty small minded bitter aspect of our nature. It all goes to crap!! I know how quickly my thinking or bad mood can screw things up, so I am 'one bitten, twice shy'. I am just not willing to risk screwing it up so much. Yeah I still make stupid mistakes, but I try very hard to keep my head space pretty positive. Bah! I should be in the gym.. Have a great Wednesday!

Quality NOT Quantity! Good intentions AND length of sobriety ALONE are NOT enough

Good intentions AND length of sobriety ALONE are NOT enough.
They are better than NOTHING but they do NOT remove (or diminish) th e short OR long term risk of untreated alcoholism getting the better of the suffering alcoholic (Sponsee) in question.

'We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough'. p82
'My friend was much more than inwardly reorganized. He was on different footing. His roots grasped a new soil.' p12
'Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition.' p122

This is why I always say Quality NOT quantity. I have met LOTS of long time AA's whose sobriety I DO NOT WANT. At ALL!

I've also seen VERY promising new people that I KNOW will have GREAT recovery in 10 years time provided they sustain the effort and thoroughness they are applying from the start.

I think it's REALLY difficult to tell unless you get to know a bit about them. Put it this way, I do NOT make 'favorable assumptions' about people based SOLELY on length of time sober. Just like I TRY (not often very successfully!!) not to make UNfavorable assumptions about people who are new around. I get it wrong ALL the time. All I know is that I DON"T know.

Another benefit of being sober a longer time is that its VERY hard to be idealistic or put ANYONE on a pedestal. I know too much about the terrible weakness we ALL have!!
I am DEEPLY Unimpressed by length of time ALONE. I look for completely different things.

Having said that, yes, THOSE WHO USE THEIR TIME IN AA TO GOOD EFFECT, ARE able to enjoy rewards of peace of mind that others, who by virtue of luck or choice, have Not made such 'skilful' use of heir time in AA. So time CAN be an advantage, BUT IT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY AN ADVANTAGE.
Just like LACK of time CAN be an DISadvantage, BUT IT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY A disADVANTAGE.

I really do think length of time ALONE means VERY LITTLE. There's a LOT more to it than that. In my opinion.

If you look in more 'structured' (as opposed to 'arbitrary') style AA meetings, generally you will find more accountable AA members.

I have to say, I am mostly VERY disappointed with what I hear about the general quality of sponsorship out there, even though a LOT of it is well meaning. Good intentions aren't enough unfortunately!

Innocent Hope, and 'You CANNOT transmit something you haven’t got' -Doesn't say, 'except for Martha, or Johnny'

Things I knew I DIDN'T want to 'inherit' from a Sponsor.
There is a very close relationship towards what a sponsor 'has' and what the Sponsee 'gets' (or is TRANSMITTED, to use the AA term)

The phrase that best sums this up in the big book is
You CANNOT transmit something you haven’t got.
p164

What does this mean?
Well. I always say to new people that are looking for Sponsors.
Think about it. If you would like to NOT be depressed in recovery, then it doesn't make a lot of sense choosing a depressed person to be your Sponsor, does it?
Think about it. The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to overcome depression, if they are in fact, still depressed.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to deal with their anger, if they are still angry, touchy, reactive, defensive, indignant, vengeful, punishing, verbal attacks, or losing their temper. (Acting out basically)
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to overcome irritability, if they are still snappy, and short with people.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to overcome fear, if they are still having panic attacks. Or are unable to move out of their habitual comfort zone.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to overcome their Pride, if they are talking 'down' to people, or are self righteous, pompous, arrogant, rigid, inflexible, un-teachable and closed minded.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to overcome self pity, if they are still feeling sorry for themselves, or hard done by, weeping constantly, or just plain world weary, heaving great sighs, sad smiles, and lackluster.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to cope with 'trials and low spots', if they are falling apart, every time they hit a rough patch. Or worse, relapsing.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they are still pretty self centered and selfish if they still make no effort to help newcomers. Or a half hearted superficial attempt that never adequately addresses the newcomers greatest weaknesses, therefore leaving the newcomer in great danger.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to overcome mood swings, if they are still unpredictable, changeable and inconsistent, or emotionally unstable.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to wear life like a loose garment, if they are still being a drama queen. Emotionally or behaviorally.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT KNOW (yet) how to enjoy their sobriety, and have fun, if they are still 'dull, boring and glum'. Dreary, overly serious and earnest? Sober not somber!
The EVIDENCE suggests that they DO NOT UNDERSTAND (yet) how to practice tradition 1, if they are still badmouthing or gossiping about other aa members.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND (yet) how to practice 'restraint of tongue and pen', (or moral restraint generally) if they still have no impulse control.
The EVIDENCE suggests that they CLEARLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND (yet) how to practice step 12 and pass it on, if they make everything (about recovery) seem mysterious, complicated and unfathomable. Or wooly, boring, intangible and unfocused. Or simply never get to the crux of any problem they are presented with by someone in need.
Etc etc.
It's not exactly rocket science!

None of this would matter IN THE SLIGHTEST were it not for the big book statement 'You CANNOT transmit something you haven’t got.'
Normally I would have no interest whatsoever in what other people in aa have or haven't got, but if 'what they have' influences what may or may not be transmitted to ME in future. Well then, suddenly I am VERY interested!
Not because I care whether Ralph or Suzanne are doing what I think they should be doing. (Because what Ralph or Suzanne decide to do with their recovery is NONE OF MY BUSINESS!)
No. the reason, I show even the slightest interest in what Ralph or Suzanne has achieved (so far) in recovery is BECAUSE IT LIMITS THE EXTENT OF WHAT THEY CAN TEACH ME ABOUT RECOVERY. And that will have a DIRECT IMPACT on what is 'transmitted' to me. And therefore, the QUALITY of MY sobriety.
I was very greedy with recovery and wanted as much as I could get my greasy little hands on.
So I became VERY interested in what my peers had accomplished, and could therefore TRANSMIT. To me!!

So. Look for people who HAVE ALREADY ACHIEVED the goal that you are aiming for yourself.
The slogan that best sums up this approach is
'Have they got WHAT YOU WANT?'
This is a TERRIBLY PERSONAL question, because if you ask 20 AA's what they want to be like or feel in 10 years time, you will get 20 different answers. This is PERFECTLY FINE.

Nobody said we were all supposed to be the same. We aren't. This is NOT A PROBLEM. The 'spirit' of Live and let Live, means that we are completely comfortable being around other people who clearly have differing and opposing views to our own. That's the way it is supposed to be.

Submitting to peer pressure or 'following the crowd' is NOT being true to yourself. There is no integrity in such a position.
You should have the guts to GUILTLESSLY express your heartfelt desires. If only to yourself. REGARDLESS OF WHAT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS, or wants.

DO NOT FEEL OBLIGED TO WANT THE SAME AS TOM OR RACHEL SAY THEY WANT.
That's not the point.
Tom or rachel may think what you want is ludicrous or totally unachievable.
Unfortunately OPINIONATED, CONTROLLING types will be the first in the queue to tell you (in no uncertain terms) what THEY think you should be doing, or wanting!!
The truth is IT IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS what your heartfelt preferences are!
This is not a VALUE JUDGEMENT. This is an HONEST HEARTFELT PERSONAL PREFERENCE.

I always say to people who feel guilty about expressing their heartfelt desires for fear of being judged by others...
Lets say I offer you some ice cream. I say Hi Joan, fancy some ice cream? Chocolate or strawberry?
You say 'chocolate thanks'
I say (In an INDIGNANT, SHIRTY tone) 'What do you mean??? Are you JUDGING the strawberry? That's not very nice of you Joan!!! '
Do you see how crazy, irrational and DEFENSIVE that reaction is?
Well the BAD news is that AA is full of TOUCHY, REACTIVE, INDIGNANT OPINIONATED people. Again this need not be a problem. Personally I do not have a problem with this.
This is the nature of RESENTMENT and is par for the course when dealing with the disease of alcoholism. Its the NORMAL manifestation of UNTREATED ALCOHOLISM.
(In reference to Resentment) 'From it stem ALL forms of spiritual disease.' P64

I mean you'd hardly be surprised to walk into a cancer ward to find !!! People with tumors, would you? You wouldn't berate or scold them, or JUDGE them for having those symptoms, would you?
Well then, its makes just as little sense to judge 'restless, irritable, and discontent' people in a meeting as the big book tells us in no uncertain terms that resentment is the PRIMARY SYMPTOM of alcoholism. ( 'From it stem ALL forms of spiritual disease.') Trust me, its really normal. Its the most prevalent symptom when dealing with UNTREATED ALCOHOLISM. So its is to be expected. Judging it would be stupid really.

So basically...
I encourage you to MAKE YOUR OWN MIND UP.
This is YOUR recovery. Not THEIRS.
Decide for YOURSELF what you want to achieve.
Do not be BULLIED into thinking you OUGHT TO CONFORM to other peoples VIEWS and OPINIONS about what THEY think is realistically achievable.
DECIDE FOR YOURSELF.
This requires sometimes that you grow a spine! Recovery is not for sissies!

So the best course of action is to ask yourself 'What do I want to be like 10 or 15 years sober?'
Do I want to be depressed?
Do I want to be depressed one day in every seven?
Do I want to be depressed one day in every month?
Do I want to be depressed one day in every year?

Do I want to be miserable?
Do I want to be miserable one day in every seven?
Do I want to be miserable one day in every month?
Do I want to be miserable one day in every year?

Do I want to bitch and moan?
Do I want to bitch and moan one day in every seven?
Do I want to bitch and moan one day in every month?
Do I want to bitch and moan one day in every year?

Do I want to struggle?
Do I want to struggle one day in every seven?
Do I want to struggle one day in every month?
Do I want to struggle one day in every year?

Do I want to be defeatist?
Do I want to be defeatist one day in every seven?
Do I want to be defeatist one day in every month?
Do I want to be defeatist one day in every year?

Do I want to be on anti depressants?
Do I want to be on anti depressants one day in every seven?
Do I want to be on anti depressants one day in every month?
Do I want to be on anti depressants one day in every year?
Et etc. you get the drift by now I'm sure.

Don't be afraid of looking stupid. (that's just your Pride, and we all know what the big book tells us about pride!) its rubbish!
Just admit to yourself, what you HONESTLY want for yourself.
Be honest!
Don't think, 'don't be silly I'll NEVER be like that'. What will Graham think?
Just admit HONESTLY what you REALLY want. What would YOU truly LOVE to be like? What would be your dream? Your INNOCENT HOPE? Imagine ANYTHING is possible. (perhaps not flying to the moon in a converted Lada, but you know what I mean!)
Its quite embarrassing admitting your heartfelt desires, even to yourself!

Ok. Once you have done that,
LOOK FOR SOMEONE WHO HAS THE THINGS THAT YOU WANT.
The MORE things they have that you want. The higher they 'rate' on your 'recovery monitor' and the MORE attention you pay to HOW THEY WORK THEIR PROGRAMME. The MORE you try to copy what they are doing to stay sober.
In an ideal world, you would get someone like this to be your sponsor. But if that is not possible, you can LEARN FROM THEIR EXAMPLE. Watch what they do. Go to the same meetings they do. Listen to what they say in meetings. Find out who they have sponsored, and ask them what suggestions they have been given. Find out how they did the steps. How did they do their step 4 EXACTLY? Be nosey. Find out as MUCH as you can about their programme.

Alternatively. The LESS they have of what you want. The lower they 'rate' on your 'recovery monitor' and the LESS you do what they are doing to stay sober. In fact, make a concerted attempt to AVOID doing whatever they have been doing to stay sober!

This is a summary of what I call
'Sticking with the winners'
And
'By their fruits, ye shall KNOW them' (from the Bible)

Its also embodies the slogan:
You move towards, and become like, that which you think about, whether it is good for you, or bad for you

Another slogan that springs to mind..
Wise people learn from their own mistakes. Smart people learn from other people’s!

Basically
YOU SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO APOLOGISE FOR THE THINGS YOU WANT AND VALUE IN LIFE.
IT DOES NOT MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON TO WANT GOOD THINGS FOR YOURSELF.
So don't apologize!!! Be true to yourself!!

To summarize:
The sad fact of the matter is that you can ONLY learn from people WHO HAVE ALREADY ACQUIRED the skills and abilities that you are planning on learning.
If you sincerely care for the newcomer, and plan on staying comfortably sober, so that you can pass on your experience to 'the suffering alcoholic', Pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to the achievements of your peers,, because their accomplishments LIMIT what you 'get'.
Why? Because 'You CANNOT transmit something you haven’t got.'
p164

Blinking heck! Explaining these things takes far too much time!!! Oh well..