About Me

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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think.
I just thought I would mention this as it's been on my mind lately.

If I feel as though my mind is being drawn towards some sort of drama, some sort of resistance, some sort of inclination to get caught up in a ‘fight’, I remind myself of this motto. It is very anti-drama. It is very hard to hold onto drama when I remind myself of this motto. It gets me out of polar thinking. Black-and-white thinking. Us and them thinking.

All drama is bullshit really, but we fall for it every time. Just the ego desperately looking for a hook. Anything to create division, get us back up on the moral hilltop, and create a separate sense of self.
I think a lot of the time I kind of feel my way to the right answer. Meaning if I feel peaceful and reconciled. If I have stopped fighting, then I know I am doing something right.

And if I am still at war with something, even if it is merely some internal surge toward ‘contending’ against something, (even when I have said nothing), as far as I am concerned, I am full of crap. A little harsh you might think, but to me resentment is poison, and when I feel it internally, it feels like poison. It feels wrong. Like strange tiny green ivy tendrils encircling my veins and arteries and weaving its way through my body in ever-increasing quantities. An energetic poison. I feel embarrassed and stupid.* Like being stuck with spinach on your teeth at a party. Like farting in an elevator. I find resentment socially embarrassing, even when I’m alone in my own company.
*When I say stupid I mean that familiar Step one feeling of being caught with your pants down. Knowing you’ve been rumbled. It’s very humbling. It feels foolish but in a good way.

Resentment feels wrong even when on the surface it’s something that could be easily justified. Wanting revenge against a paedophile for instance. Wanting to punish an ‘evildoer’. It’s all the same in the end. Just another justified resentment. Baseless. A fiction to prop up the ego.

But basically, I really love this motto when I’m feeling ‘drama’. What I mean is when I am making a problem out of something, as thats when I feel like there is a drama. It seems to stop the drama in its tracks. It goes against my innate pre-programming toward drama and that’s why I like it. I believe it to be true. It’s like cool water. I want to keep it close in my mind when thing seem tough. It’s like a friend.

Hope you’re all having a lovely Tuesday. I’m still up to my eyes in papers and books. Physically and mentally tired. I still have plenty of inner rebellion against study, so am trying very hard to do the next right thing, which in this case involves looking at the next page, a paragraph at a time if necessary. Bleh. I find it interesting that the material I am studying is so universally disliked by other students, (apparently, but who knows if they are telling the truth) even the ones that gave me the impression that they were into it. It seems very difficult so I just have to plough through it. I’m very much in the just for today card ‘do something for 24hrs that would appal you if you thought you had to keep it up for a lifetime’ territory :)

5 comments:

Syd said...

I do my best to stay out of drama. It seems to come mostly from sponsees these days who seem to thrive on it. I don't think that I ever thrived on drama but certainly lived it which may be the same thing. Anyway, nice post. And as always, glad to read you.

NOS said...

Very smart post. Black and white thinking is such an easy pattern for me to fall into-- it's so simple, but definitely not an easy way to think or live. And drama is hard to resist sometimes, but when we do it's for the better.

I hope all is going well for you. You're in my thoughts as you delve into your work. Best of luck!

Wishing you well,
NOS

indistinct said...

So, what is the purpose of mind? Our brains spin out thoughts and feelings, dreams and intuitions. This is what drives us, gives us direction. Minds create most of the terror in the world, most of the good as well.

I didn't stop drinking until the pain of drinking became greater than the pain of facing life sober and clean. I am very grateful for my new way of living, of walking in the sunshine, of trying to be useful to others, of trying to love those around me instead of just using people for my own gain. And, as you said, just for today, I will continue on that path.

But this question on the purpose of mind has been nagging me for the past few weeks. It started as my mind spun out some imaginary drama that stirred up the cauldron of emotion that left me feeling depressed. It was just an imaginary script that I must of wanted to follow. It's like I wanted to be trapped in the loop of depression. I used to think my brain makes this stuff up, so I can feel shitty and then use that as an excuse to numb myself again. But I would use feeling happy as an excuse as well.

I'm not looking for an answer, it's become the focus of some reading for me, some research. And I can see, more than ever, the importance of reaching out to others, of being there to help others, as tools of getting me out of the deathly cycle of my own thoughts.

There be dragons in there.

Glad your still here posting. Your thoughts are always intriguing, provoking. Thanks

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

thanks for the question indstinct :) Havent seen u posting for !!! AGES so nice to hear from you :) was wondering where u were :)
i emailed u an answer bc it was faaar too long :)

and thanks for all the other comments :) always nice to hear from other people trudging the road of happy destiny :) NOS i love your piggie picture. Pigs are cool.

100-Days-Sober said...

Hi just sloggin thru the beginning journey