Nothing is as good or as bad as you think

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think.
I just thought I would mention this as it's been on my mind lately.

If I feel as though my mind is being drawn towards some sort of drama, some sort of resistance, some sort of inclination to get caught up in a ‘fight’, I remind myself of this motto. It is very anti-drama. It is very hard to hold onto drama when I remind myself of this motto. It gets me out of polar thinking. Black-and-white thinking. Us and them thinking.

All drama is bullshit really, but we fall for it every time. Just the ego desperately looking for a hook. Anything to create division, get us back up on the moral hilltop, and create a separate sense of self.
I think a lot of the time I kind of feel my way to the right answer. Meaning if I feel peaceful and reconciled. If I have stopped fighting, then I know I am doing something right.

And if I am still at war with something, even if it is merely some internal surge toward ‘contending’ against something, (even when I have said nothing), as far as I am concerned, I am full of crap. A little harsh you might think, but to me resentment is poison, and when I feel it internally, it feels like poison. It feels wrong. Like strange tiny green ivy tendrils encircling my veins and arteries and weaving its way through my body in ever-increasing quantities. An energetic poison. I feel embarrassed and stupid.* Like being stuck with spinach on your teeth at a party. Like farting in an elevator. I find resentment socially embarrassing, even when I’m alone in my own company.
*When I say stupid I mean that familiar Step one feeling of being caught with your pants down. Knowing you’ve been rumbled. It’s very humbling. It feels foolish but in a good way.

Resentment feels wrong even when on the surface it’s something that could be easily justified. Wanting revenge against a paedophile for instance. Wanting to punish an ‘evildoer’. It’s all the same in the end. Just another justified resentment. Baseless. A fiction to prop up the ego.

But basically, I really love this motto when I’m feeling ‘drama’. What I mean is when I am making a problem out of something, as thats when I feel like there is a drama. It seems to stop the drama in its tracks. It goes against my innate pre-programming toward drama and that’s why I like it. I believe it to be true. It’s like cool water. I want to keep it close in my mind when thing seem tough. It’s like a friend.

Hope you’re all having a lovely Tuesday. I’m still up to my eyes in papers and books. Physically and mentally tired. I still have plenty of inner rebellion against study, so am trying very hard to do the next right thing, which in this case involves looking at the next page, a paragraph at a time if necessary. Bleh. I find it interesting that the material I am studying is so universally disliked by other students, (apparently, but who knows if they are telling the truth) even the ones that gave me the impression that they were into it. It seems very difficult so I just have to plough through it. I’m very much in the just for today card ‘do something for 24hrs that would appal you if you thought you had to keep it up for a lifetime’ territory :)