Pining? Song 4 Mutya: Don't react now. You can't go back now. Just look ahead now.

Yeah I know. I'm just indulging myself now. But I meet quite a few 'heartbroken' types in the rooms, pining for somebody who rejected them.
I like Johno's maxim, "Rejection is God's Protection'.
I must say I HAVE found this to be the case. EVERY time.
But for those of you that are still ? Convinced that these former liaisons have any redeeming merit, I thought this tune might cheer you up a bit. Besides, the message, is very true.

"Just as soon as I'm on top of my life, there you are again
But don't react now. You can't go back now.
Don't panic, panic, (Mutya), Just look ahead now."
Groove armada: Song for Mutya

Plus I just like Groove armada AND Mutya from the Sugarbabes. I think she looks GREAT in this vid. Not 'dull , boring and glum, like some righteous folk I see". I LOVE it when women look strong, confident, and sassy. Cheers me up!

"Am I to be consigned to a life where I shall be stupid, boring and glum, like some righteous people I see?" (p152)
..er ..NO.
Since when did being 'Spiritual" mean wearing Beige and not being funky? Nah. Tambourines and sandals are not necessary. Thank GOD. Personally I find that there is nothing very conservative about a spiritual life. It forces me to question EVERYTHING, and maintain a flexible open minded attitude to things. Scary, but very refreshing at the same time.

Anyway, I'm glad her solo career seems to be taking off as she seems like a nice human being. GA are pretty cool too mind you.

And even more pointless! Little bit of eye candy. Here are some pointless . pics . of . the . Groove Armada Guys who I think are pretty easy on the eye as it happens.

God's Beauty Parlor: Sobriety can be INCREDIBLY !! anti ageing

Just thought I would mention that not drinking can be VERY anti aging. Alcohol makes you red faced, bloated and puffy and dehydrates the skin a LOT. I always say to new ladies. Get sober purely for the sake of VANITY!! (In my opinion) people can age REALLY well in recovery. If you play your cards right.

I saw these photos in today's Mail and was REALLY shocked !! at how aged these women look at age 45. (Yeah I know its the Daily Mail, but I get it free in the gym, so I think of it as a free rag.)
The very ! GOOD news about not drinking, (and not smoking) is that is is VERY anti ageing. Thank GOD. ..So just ANOTHER reason for you ladies to order sparkling water with a slice of lime instead!

Pauline Rees, 45-year-old mother of five. Ouch!
Atricle is called:One big happy family: Scrounging grandmother's pride at daughters' teenage pregnancies
Jacqueline Simpson, 45. Double ouch.
Article is about: Grandmother of girl mauled to death was 'high on drink and drugs' and opened door to killer pit bull

Let that be a lesson all you newcomer ladies! It ALL helps. Besides cosmetic surgery is SOoo expensive these days..
You will save yourselves a FORTUNE in botox, and everything else..

But yeah sunscreen helps too. And glasses of water. But an alcohol free lifestyle can work WONDERS. And of course there's that inner beauty too, because a peaceful and positive attitude is VERY attractive to others.
Which just makes you look even BETTER!!
Trust me ladies. Its a WIN WIN situation!

Untreated Alcoholism: 'Stinking thinking". The STEPS are the answer. NOT Self Knowledge, or Will Power.

Inside All Saints Margaret Street Church London, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

"Stinking Thinking leads to Drinking"

This is for those of you who are new, and have not yet got a Sponsor, and started working through the Steps, as laid out in the Basic Text of AA. (The Big Book)
I remember I had to hear AA members repeat this SO !! MANY TIMES before I really HEARD it. That's why I'm spelling it out here. !

Lets say you have reached a point after starting coming to meetings where you are just beginning to see that instead of being a 'nice person'. Or a 'victim of circumstance', that actually, you have a little more 'stinking thinking' than you first realized. (!!!)
That actually you are a bit ! selfish.
That actually you have about as much gratitude as a gnats chuff.
That actually people annoy you quite a LOT.
That the general conversation, 'washing machine' thoughts that rumble around in your head, ARENT ACTUALLY THAT !!!! POSITIVE.

Well at this point it is tempting to think, that what AA offers is something 'educational' or 'self aware'. A bit like therapy perhaps. This is not so. Not entirely anyway. Self knowledge plays a PART, but not a very BIG part. The 'meat and potatoes' is in the STEPS. Well that's what I've found anyway.
Right. So regarding those negativities or mental 'defects' that you have started to spot..
"Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power."
p62

"We found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn´t there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly."
p45

"the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience."
p39

And regarding any thoughts about drinking you may be experiencing..
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power."
p43

"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (Doesn't say, "except for Mary, Joan, or Bridget')
p60

So if the problem isn't ''selfishness' (or any other 'stinking thinking" ) as such. What IS the problem?
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. we had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that´s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."
p45

So how exactly am I supposed to " find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."?
"Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery"
p59
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps"
p60

So. There's your answer.
The STEPS will restore you to sanity.
Which will enable you to have a mental defence against alcohol. See page 84.

(After step 9) regarding alcohol:
"We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. WE react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid."
p84

And will provide you with the 'needed power" to do many things which until now have been beyond reach. Such as to act in keeping with the " moral and philosophical convictions galore" which you have, but are unable to live up to. Eg selfishness etc.

But to do the steps, you will need a sponsor. The more contented the better, the more peace of mind the better. Find the best available woman in your neighborhood and ask her to take you through the first nine steps. After that its just maintenance.
But most importantly,
"the (drink) problem has been removed. It does not exist for us."
p84

Which is why we all showed up in AA in the first place, lets face it!

So happy hunting! And I hope you find a good un!

Deep Deep Joy!

Dalai Lama Ticket May 2008, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Deep Joy.
Block FBC is the second !! block from the front. The front block is full of die hard ninja types and monks. Religious types and what have you. So I will be near all them. VERY VERY cool. I cannot WAIT.
Early bird gets a seat near the front!!
Hehee
!! Excited now!!

I just LOVE this stuff. Even though most of it goes RIGHT over my head. !!! I can't WAIT. I LOVE this stuff. Don't know why. I just DO.
Anyway. Have a GREAT Friday y'all!

Karma 'Speeds up': Things coming to a head. Things coming to FRUITION.

Ancient Statue of a Bodhisattva in Room 33 of the British Museum, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Things coming to FRUITION.
Ripening to their inevitable outcome FASTER.

One of the things I tell people who start doing (what I consider to be GOOD) Step 11 practice. With powerful energetic Teachers. (As not all have very strong energy.)

(By the way you can empower yourself by practicing 'constant thought of others, maximum helpfulness' but that's another story.)

Here is a passage from Step 12 section of a guy from my homegroup about how we were 'taught' Step 12.
"AA Service
RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING in AA, we should start trying to adopt AN ATTITUDE OF SERVICE and a what-can-I-contribute approach IN ALL AREAS OF OUR LIVES However, for the alcoholic, it is VITAL that this should include PARTICULARLY (!!) passing on the message of AA’s programme of recovery on to suffering alcoholics.
This can take a variety of forms, direct or indirect, and can be aimed at both alcoholics who are already in AA in the AA group; and those who are outside AA and yet to stop through the Intergroup and General Service structures and even just as we go about our daily lives. The chapter Working With Others in the Big Book is the primary source for guidance here. The Twelve Traditions are invaluable to us in our consideration of how best to carry the message."
This is from the website called miseryisoptional.info

Anyway I digress. As !!! Usual.
Ok .
If you have been 'zapped' by a GOOD step 11
OR
If you have been 'zapped' by EFFECTIVELY helping newcomers.

THEN
You effectively have generated a TON of extra 'energy'.
This has the effect of 'cooking' you FASTER.

So,
The water reaches the boil FASTER than it would ordinarily.
Mind states change more frequently.
Insight occurs more often.
The penny drops more often.
The veil is lifted more often.
Our emotions evolve more often.
The 'furniture in our head' is rearranged more often.

Basically EVERYTHING SPEEDS UP.
NOTHING stays the same!
Its a bit of a rollercoaster ride to be honest. Hold onto your hats!

The furniture thing. Let me explain.
Ok.
Its like you went to bed with all the furniture in the usual place.
Then you got up in the middle of the night to have a pee.
And none of he furniture is in the same place it was yesterday. And you keep bumping into things.
Some stuff is new and you're not sure where you got it.
Other stuff you can't find.
Other stuff you don't even notice was missing till years later.

Well that's what its like IN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR EMOTIONS when you are on a FUNCTIONING Spiritual path.
Well that's what I think anyway. No offence if you know what I mean.

Right I'll get to the point if it kills me!
Reality is in a constant state of flux and IMPERMANENCE is the Hallmark of reality.,
Everything is whirling around at the speed of light. Changing in a nano second.
Reality is very PLASTIC. Hinges on a thought, Hangs on one tiny action.
Its very fragile. Like a butterflies wing. And can change at a moments notice.

"And I'm a million different people from one day to the next"
The Verve. Bittersweet Symphony

Very true. Richard Ashcroft was more accurate than he realized.
Anyway.
Scary huh?
Most of us don't see this very much, because we are too busy hiding in our comfort zones and HABITUAL thinking.
Auto pilot basically. To give us the ILLUSION of stability. Heheh. No such thing!
Reality is MUCH more scary than that. MUCH more delicate and precarious. MUCH more random. Being honest with oneself of the true nature of things is not a 'comfort'. The comfort comes from ACCEPTING that this is how it is. Just making peace with it.Getting used to the sand shifting under your feet constantly.

Anyway! Before I go on for !!!!! Ever!
My POINT IS
Increasing your ? energetic condition, by either (properly) helping others, or doing (a good) step 11 moves you CLOSER to this reality.
Its like you moved closer to the 'fire' and you can feel the 'heat' more.
Things start moving around quicker.
Synchronicity kicks in.
Things just happen at the right time.
The right people show up.
You hear what you need to hear.
You get what you need. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the time.

But IN ADDITION to that.
Things that 'aren't quite right'.
Guess what happens to them?
Yep!
Like I said before.
First you get a pebble.
Then you get a Brick.
Then you get a BOULDER!

Well when you are 'tuned in' and the spiritual path is 'working'
The Boulder comes FASTER
Sometimes MUCH FASTER

Its the law of consequences. Or Karma.
Karma is just another word for the 'fruition' of ones actions.

If I eat a cake every day. Eventually I will get fat. That's a KARMIC CONSEQUENCE of that action.
So don't think I'm being vague here. I'm not. I just like using the word karma to describe this thing. Its the same as consequence.

Why does the boulder come faster?
Well its like God decided to put you in th 'A' Stream instead of the usual 'D' stream.
See. You are no longer a Spiritual 'Nancy', so God figures he can 'up the stakes' with you a bit.
So its cool really. Means you have 'upped' a grade. Well that's how I see it.

By the way, this is NOT to be confused with people who experience CRISIS after CRISIS because their lives are hopelessly unmanageable. This has an ENTIRELY different quality to it.
This will ONLY happen to people who are SINCERELY trying to help others OR doing a GOOD step 11.
Meaning, if you are just some sort of a git, and make crummy choices, then yeah, the s*it WILL hit the fan. But that's not the same thing.
This has MUCH more of a flavor of SYNCHRONICITY about it.
So no. If you are not sincere, or your motives are ego feeding rather than to be of service, then its a different ball of wax.

I don't have time to give examples.
Heres one.
Sometimes the karmic consequence occurs SECONDS after the thought occurs.
I used to ALWAYS ALWAYS pay my travel fares.
One day for some ? Reason I forgot to buy more bus tickets.
THE MOMENT I realized I didn't have a travel pass that included the current day. (It had expired)
THE THOUGHT OCCURRED TO ME that I could just stay in the bus and not buy a new ticket before I got off.
The bus journey was 5 minutes tops.
I was tempted to not pay.
THE MOMENT I thought. Yeah why not. I'm only going to be on the bus for a few more minutes. Its too much hassle to get off the bus and get a new one. Ill be late for work anyway if I do. What the hell, I'll get a new pass when I get off later in the day.
DISHONEST.

GUESS WHAT HAPPENED
About 1 minute AFTER HAVING THAT THOUGHT
A ticket inspector got on. And started checking tickets.
As the bus was waiting to go off. I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO GET OFF THE BUS and buy a new one or else stay on and get a 10 pound fine. Or whatever it is that these guys do. Gawd knows.
Ok. To put this in context.
I went to that job for nearly ? 5 years.
Every day I got the bus 2-3 stops on the way there. 5 days a week.
Guess how often I saw a ticket inspector on the Bus during those 5 years?
ONCE.
Guess how often I THOUGHT about not paying my fare over those 5 years?
ONCE.
How much Step 11 was I doing then?
LOADS. With really cool people.

So there you go. Too long as usual! No change there!
I will have to do some more examples on another post.

DO YOU SEE WHY I BELIEVE WHAT WE THINK IS SO !! IMPORTANT?
There are plenty other examples. But I quite like that one. It was REALLY fast.
The boomerang came back WITHIN SECONDS.
So yeah. You have to stay on your toes if you plan on 'growing along spiritual lines'
Well that's what I think anyway.

Basically its all about MOTIVE.
So make yours 'For the benefit of all sentient beings' which is just another way of saying 'Maximum helpfulness'. Or "The greatest good for the greatest number'.
Its the BEST motive money can buy. If you ask me.

Anyway. Have a GREAT Thursday.
Sorry if that sounds a bit freaky or odd. Its just the mood I am in today. Whatever.
Please IGNORE it if it does your head in. Or ? it doesn't agree with you for some other reason.
See y'all!

Inspirational speech by Steve Jobs: Don't let the NOISE of OTHER'S OPINIONS drown out your OWN inner voice

"Your time is LIMITED.
So DON'T WASTE IT living SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.
Don't be trapped by DOGMA.
which is living with the results of OTHER PEOPLE'S THINKING.

Don't let the NOISE of OTHER'S OPINIONS DROWN OUT your OWN INNER VOICE.

And MOST important,
Have the courage to FOLLOW YOUR HEART AND YOUR INTUITION.

They somehow ALREADY KNOW what you TRULY WANT to BECOME.

EVERYTHING else is secondary."

~Steve Jobs: From the speech he gives to College Graduates on You Tube.

"What you don’t have. You don’t need it now
What you don’t know, you can feel it somehow"
~U2 Beautiful Day.

I love this speech. Its great for those of you that are struggling with career issues, but its also just great for a bunch of other reasons. I LOVE what he says about intuition, and trying to not be BULLIED into conforming to other peoples viewpoints. Or redundant social norms.
Having said that, this applies AFTER step 9 as opposed to before really. But to some extent, you NEED to be able to use your intuition a BIT beforehand. If something smells a bit 'suss', then it may very well be just that.

"Common sense would thus become uncommon sense."
Chapter 1. Bill's Story p13

"We have begun to develop this vital sixth sense."
Chapter 6. Into Action p85

"We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while."
Chapter 6. Into Action p86

"We will intuitively know how to handle situations
which used to baffle us."
Chapter 6. Into Action p83

"I was to test my thinking
by the new God-consciousness within."
Chapter 1. Bill's Story page p13

"We ask God to direct our thinking."
Chapter 6. Into Action p86

"Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane"
Chapter 6. Into Action p86

"We ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought."
Chapter 6. Into Action p86

"We have entered the world of the Spirit."
Chapter 6. Into Action p84

15th Century Statue of the Bodhisattva Vajrasattva in Room 33 of the British Museum

15th Century Statue of the Bodhisattva Vajrasattva in Rm 33 British Museum, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

This is something for those that are planning on taking the The Vajrasattva Initiation in Nottingham, May 2008 with the Dalia Lama
I find it helpful to 'get to know' the ? Deities in question before I take an initiation. I was drawn to this statue the other day before I heard that the Dalai Lama was doing an initiation next year in May 2008. I nipped in toady in passing to see if there were any Vajrasattva statues in the museum and sure enough. There he/she/it was!!
Cool. Anyway Pictures work for me, so here is a pic of the 15th Century Statue from Nepal. The words underneath are the short form Mantra, which invokes the Deity. But you may be required to have an initiation before you actually use it. (!) Not sure. Haven't done my research yet. Some you do, some you don't. It is always wise to repeat these things respectfully, and that your motive for using them always be 'For the good of all sentient beings'. As opposed to some other motive.
Whatever. Hope you find the picture helpful, if you plan on attending next year. I just did it to help me get to know ? It better.

Its a really lovely statue. So many beautiful artifacts in Room 33..I LOVE that this stuff is so OLD. Real 'Tomb Raider' stuff..Worth a visit.

Total Lunar Eclipse visible in the US at 4am Tuesday morning

Breakfast coffee at Leadenhall Market in the City, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Hey I feel pretty weird at the best of times, but the full moon makes me feel even more peculiar! So that's why I've been feeling a bit spaced out today. Moon is 99% full. Due to eclipse pretty soon. Except I won't be able to see it from here, but you guys in the US will
Here's a video explaining what happens and at what time. Pretty cool as it happens. But I love all that 'planet' stuff. Right I'm off. Hope you catch a glimpse of it. There will be plenty of info on this if you google lunar eclipse. See y'all..

Death: "Birth and Death are Just a Game of Hide and Seek" by Thich Nhat Hanh

Tibetan Buddha in Room 33 of the British Museum, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

This refers to a video called Birth and Death are Just a Game of Hide and Seek in my sidebar of a talk by hich Nhat Hanh in Sept 2005. I do not know how to post videos from google video so I'm including a link instead.

For those of you that feel ? Like something has been 'taken away' so to speak when a person dies, this video may help. I am of the belief that Thich Nhat Hanh has a better grasp of the nature of reality than most, so yes I know what he says might sound a bit odd, but he is very good at explaining these things in almost childlike terms. There is no real need to understand it in its infinite complexity. You just need a rough idea of how the dang thing works. That's all. HOW it works isn't necessary to know.

What he describes isn't as simple as reincarnation, if that's what you're thinking. For a start that would rely on the concept of a separate self. To a degree. He describes it much better than I ever could but basically he describes the inter connectedness of ALL things. Which is just another way of describing Non Duality. Which is the concept of only one 'person', as opposed to lots of separate selves. He describes the web of connections that connect us all. To everything and everybody. All the time. Whether we like it or not. The connections don't just exist in the present, they go back in time. Forward too probably. Gawd knows. So basically we are knitted into this fine web of connections to EVERYTHING.

In relation to people who have 'passed' this is relevant in that the connection is no less 'valid' due to the fact the person has passed. So basically we need never be alone again. And our loved ones are only a thought away. Well that's how I see it.

We cannot separate ourselves from them any more than we can separate ourselves from ourselves. Why? Because they ARE ourselves. Another leaf on the same tree, so to speak. We have no choice other than to be knitted together for all eternity. Whether we feel it or not. Whether we believe it or not.

Whatever. Now I'm just talking out of my a*se. So I'd better ! shut up. See I sounds like s*ite when I say it, but Thich Nhat Hanh, on the other hand, makes it sound terribly ordinary. Which is why he teaches all over the world, and I don't. Easy really!

But yes, I saw him do a very similar lecture in Scotland a couple of years ago. It blew me away. I have profound issues with death as I've been dealing with it since I was ? 4 or something. Basically I am programmed to expect death. Mine, or anyone else's I hold dear, or rely upon. Anything I love and value. I expect them to die, or for circumstances to 'take them away'. So this was a very powerful talk for me. It showed me I could never be separated from the most special people I have grown to love and value in this lifetime. Which was a wonderful gift from Thich Nhat Hanh. Like I say, Its not quite as simple as ? 'simple' reincarnation. More a continuum of connections that never 'disappears' as such, but manifests in an ever changing forms, and exists in states that have no intrinsic 'form' or 'shape'. Its just 'there', wherever 'there' is. But like I say. He sees it a DANG site better than I do, so listen to HIS version, not mine.

There is a pretty dull intro (in my opinion) by a woman host. I always skip the intro and go straight to the lecture. I have no patience!

Look I know this stuff seems WEIRD, but try to take it on trust that, that's really how it is, out there in the ether. (If you want to that is). I accept this stuff as reality. That's my choice, but I have come to believe that it is true.

Right I'm off then. Hope that's not too morose for you!

Dalai Lama: Vajrasattva Initiation and Bodhisattva Vow. Nottingham Sat 24th-Wed 28th May 2008

Amazing. His Holiness will be teaching in Nottingham in May 2008.. Thanks Johno for emailing me about it.

Regarding tickets. Floor seats are better (usually) as they can be closer to the stage.
Regarding hotels. I think the Nottingham Central Travelodge looks sufficient. 55 quid for a family room that can sleep three if you want ! it to. Starts early on Saturday morning. So book Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues night for the whole event.

There are two main events so to speak.
The Bodhisattva Vow.
The ceremony for engendering the Heart of Awakening - or bodhicitta. To generate the aspiration to attain enlightenment for the benefit of all beings and to enrol on the spiritual career of a Bodhisattva. Cool!

The Vajrasattva Initiation. Wednesday morning 28th May 08.
Vajrasattva is the buddha of purification. The meditation and recitation of Vajrasattva is considered supreme among all practices for the purification of all the accumulated negativities, illness and obscurations that are not inherently part of our true nature. A Sharp Weapon for the Total Elimination of Inner Darkness Caused by the Delusions and Distorted Emotions. Even better!

And some pretty !!! dense teachings, I would imagine. Not easy to grasp with the limits of the human mind. Unless you have many lifetimes of accumulated wisdom to draw from, and an above !!! Average mind. (Neither of which I have..)

General information on the Vajrasattva deity.

Nice old pic of the deity.

Downloadable Recording of the 100 syllable Vajrasattva Mantra sung by Khenchen Rinpoche

Recording of the 100 syllable Vajrasattva Mantra sung by Ven. Geshe Dakpa Topgyal.

Downloadable video of the 100 syllable Vajrasattva Mantra sung by Chagdud Tulku Rinpoche

Vajrasattva Invocation Mantra

OM VAJRA SATTVA HUNG

OM VAJRASATTVA HUM
OM VAJRA SATTO HUNG PHED

The 100 syllable Vajrasattva Mantra
-as described in Geshe Topgyal's: A Guide to Daily Vajrasattva Purification Practice and The Practice of the 35 Purification Buddhas - A Sharp Weapon for the Total Elimination of Inner Darkness Caused by the Delusions and Distorted Emotions)

OM
OM Banza Sato Samaya
Manu Palaya
Banza Sato Teno Per
Thi Kya Dri Dro Mey Bhawa
Suto Kyo Yo Mey Bhawa
Supo Kyo Yo Mey Bhawa:
Anu Rakto Mey Bhawa
Sawa Siti Mey Tra ya Tsa
Sawa Kama Sutsa Mey
Tsi Tam Shri Yam Kuru Hung
Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha Hoe Bha Gha Wana
Sava Tathagata
Banza Ma Mey Mun Zha
Bhan Zhi Bhawa
Maha Samaya Sato
Ah
Hung

See you there!

April was THREE on Thursday. Cool.

April is cool. Bless er. Go say Hi if you get the chance. She gets DISTINCTIONS and all that in her exams!! So I am (naturally) in awe!
Her Blog is A day in the life of Alcohol and drug Recovery

Can't stop I'm afraid..Gotta rush off to work now. See y'all..

Rest assured that my absence has NOTHING to do with either a) a fast moving truck, or b) large quantities of jack Daniels.. (or whatever it is ??? people drink these days.? .Bacardi breezers I think..)Work is BUSY and I've volunteered to help TRY get the stuff done. I dare say It won't last. 13hr days with NO breaks! Ha! Lunch is for WIMPS and all that..Hope y'all are having a GREAT sober time.. See yez later when I get a day off and I've managed to catch up with sleep..

Learning to trust the quiet inner voice: Christina Aguilera. The Voice Within

I'm sure this might not be to everyone's !! taste, but I think this song has a great message. Just thought I'd mention it here in case you don' know it already

Perhaps its the bit about being your own best friend. Not sure. But like that it suggests relying on ones own resources when the 'outside' seems confusing. I think we understand ourselves better than ANYONE else. So I think this is a very valuable and underused resource. I don't know about you, but I can FAR TOO EASILY defer to 'outside agencies', most often people, for 'external validation'. As they call it.
For me it goes against the grain to trust my perceptions. So that's why I like this kind of stuff.
Have a great Tuesday!

An Introduction to Step 8

Tower block in process of being demolished, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

The way I did it was in three columns
1st column: Whom I harmed. (People, places and things.)
2nd column: The nature of the harm
3rd column: What did it feel like being THEM on the receiving end of my harmful actions?
or harmful OMISSION of actions?
How might I have felt if that had been done to me?
But more importantly, how did THEY feel?

This is an exercise in EMPATHY.
In placing oneself in the ROLE of another.
And seeing the world through THEIR eyes.
From a position we may NEVER have inhabited previously.
You have to get inside their skin.
Walk in their shoes.
See it from THEIR perspective.
In its full unadulterated emotional and mental glory.
Its often not a pretty sight.

Its not easy.
Harm is not such an easy concept.
Sometimes we are CONVINCED we have harmed another when in fact we HAVE NOT.
Sometimes we are CONVINCED we have NOT harmed another when in fact we HAVE.
Sometimes we are CONVINCED we have NOT harmed another, bacause THEY HARMED US and we imagine that that somehow invalidates any harm we might have done them.
This is why having a sponsor is so important.

Oh yeah and I do not NOT include myself as a person I have harmed. If you had even the slightest glimples of the RAMPANT SELFISHNESS of the average alcoholic, you would know why this is so laughably irrelevant.

Your sponsor should oversee your step 8 list from the word go, IN CASE YOU ARE DOING IT ALL WRONG. If you meet your sponsor once a week at a meeting, just bring the list along so she can look it over. That's all it takes, no big deal.

THE THIRD COLUMN SHOULD BE HEARTBREAKING.

If it is not. THEN YOU HAVE FAILED IN YOUR ATTEMPT TO TRULY !! UNDERSTAND WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE WOUNDED BY ANOTHER.
Personally. I can tell if the person writing the third column doesn't give a toss about the affect their actions have had on the people who were unlucky enough to be on the receiving end of their self centeredness.

I can just 'tell' when they finally DO manage to 'crawl inside the skin' of the person they harmed. I can just 'feel it' when that happens. And I can smell indifference and BS at 100 paces.
So I am a hard person to impress in this regard.
VERY OFTEN, I tell Sponsees to GO BACK AND DO IT AGAIN.
I do not accept anything less than a SINCERE and ACCURATE ESTIMATE of the EMOTIONAL harm they INFLICTED (knowingly OR unknowingly) on those they came into contact with.

Step 8 is a TOUGH one.
You finally get to see the lacerations and tears on the heartstrings of others. That is ENTIRELY down to YOUR ACTIONS. No one else's.
Plus emotional harm always f*cks people up in some way.
For instance:
It makes them insecure
It makes them doubt themselves
It makes them think they are BAD
It makes them think no one will love them
It makes them think they are SHIT
It makes them angry and frustrated
It makes it harder for them to perform theor obligations at work
It makes them drained
It makes them more likely to lash out at those closest to them
It increases their sense of shame
It makes them preoccupied and worried
It makes them withdraw into themselves
It makes them feel like they are bleeding inside
It makes them feel like they have been stabbed in the chest
It makes them feel like they have been punched in the stomach
It makes them frightened to ever trust another person
It makes them frightened to ever trust their own judgment
It makes them think that they deserved it
It makes them think that everyone knows how shabbily they have been treated
It makes them think that being treated like SHIT was NORMAL
It makes them afraid of getting close to another human being ever again
It makes them afraid of people
It makes them expect abuse
It makes them expect shabby treatment
It makes them give up
It breaks their heart
It makes them a nervous wreck
It makes them afraid all the time
It makes them afraid of being touched
It makes them afraid of sudden movements
It makes them lose faith in human nature
It brings them down and makes them negative
It makes them think "All men/women are bastards"
It makes them think "You can't trust anyone"
It makes them think "What's the point?""
It makes them cry
It makes them sad and they don't really know why they are sad. Its all just one BIG SAD FEELING that follows them around like a ghost
It makes them think they can never be themselves because they were so cruelly rejected in the past that they believe no one could ever truly love them
It makes them believe wholeheartedly, that they are unlovable
It make them think they are 'jinxed'
It make them think people are not very nice
It makes them think they are worthless
It makes them think other people can see that they are worthless
It makes them numb, because they cant deal with the feelings
It makes them feel like they are worse then others
It makes them frightened to talk to others about what is really going on, because hey are ashamed
It makes them feel as though the rug has been pulled from under them. (Hence the choice of photo above)

All these LOVELY observations, and MORE are part of the PICTURE YOU PAINT of 'what it was like being THEM. What did I actually DO to that person REALLY?
What did I really DO to that person???
What was the END RESULT of the actions, or OMISSION to act, that ENDED UP HARMING THAT PERSON?

So yeah. That's just how I did it. Hope that helps!
Yes Step 8 is a bit FULL ON and HEAVY. But that is as it should be.
Step 9 is a whole other ball of wax. Don't even THINK about it during step 8, as it will roadblock you.

Also here is a similar note from a guy who I knew from my old home group who went through the steps the same way I did.
Here is a link to his webpage on Step 8 from the website called "Misery is Optional"

As I was agonizing as to how to explain maximum helpfulness, I 'coincidentally' bumped into the preserved remains of the founder of that philosophy

Jeremy Bentham's preserved physical remains, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

By the way. Jeremy Bentham was the philosophical founder of the maxim "The Greatest Good for the Greatest Number."

Weird story: One day I was agonizing as to how to explain maximum helpfulness, (Its not easy to explain!!) while wandering around randomly taking pictures with my mobile phone to places I had NEVER been to before. This is when I stumbled across this weird box thing. (see photo) I had no idea who Jeremy Bentham was. This box used to contain his preserved head, but contains his skeleton and clothes made up into a seated figure.
Well the upshot is. I had only inadvertently stumbled upon the physical remains of the father of the concept "The Greatest Good for the Greatest Number." (As requested in his will, his body was preserved and stored in a wooden cabinet, termed his "Auto-icon".)
How cool is that?
Heheh. That's just one of MANY coincidences that I pretty much take for granted these days. So there you go. Weird s*it is the norm when you are on a spiritual path. Well that's what I find anyway.

Some web pages about him:
Pitur eof the preserved skeleton and head
Document explaining his preserved corpse in a box.
Wikipedia page on Jeremy Bentham

Don't flinch when a Demon shows up. Be a kind host, and their stay will be easier to endure.

Dragon on the Temple Bar Memorial 1880, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I think I can be a good 'flat mate' when a demon shows up unexpectedly for a visit. The more I try to make them leave, the longer they stay. So I am the consummate host! I am very peaceful about them visiting. No matter how dark and shadowy they are. Even if they STINK! I just watch them go about the place. Sit themselves down. Help themselves to stuff in the fridge. Change the channel on the telly. I just say nothing, watch them. TRY to be nice to them and find out what is bothering them. What they want. Often it is just recognition, or attention. Somehow, in the process of looking at them, they become less shadowy. Less 'mad'. After a while they seem quite logical in many ways. A very obvious reaction to a painful episode. It can often seem quite heartbreaking to see their twisted souls, longings, conflicts, and muddy-ness. Such a mess! But, I am able to stay with them with compassion. Not judge them. And really LISTEN to them. Then this ?'stuff' just moves through me, and it is no longer a 'hot potato'. Its vanished. Back into the ether. There are many pretty ugly unlovable parts of the mind, but you can't flinch from them. Any more than it would be ok to flinch from a stinking, belligerent newcomer man. They ALL deserve our help and our attention. We cannot 'dismiss' them because they are ugly or frightening. They ALL belong to us, so it is up to US, (not anybody else) to be a 'good parent' to them. Show them love and compassion really.
But yeah, it takes a bit of practice, and its probably better to try to do after a while in the programme, rather than when you are feeling very ? Unsafe or afraid of drinking. But don't you see? This is why helping newcomers is so cool! It teaches us compassion towards these quite powerful, damaged and unruly parts of ourselves.

(Relatively) New Blogger on the Block: Go say Hi to Ms Determined at Progress not Perfection

Marble Statue in University, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Ah Bless. I see Ms Determined is posting again. She started one before but never really posted very much. She's been around two years or so and is neither 'new' nor 'at risk' as such. Just has a bit of growing up to do.. But don't we ALL lets face it!! Life on life's terms is no easy feat!! I happen to think she is very much on the right track, but happens to have her fair share of demons, (not her fault, just the way the cookie crumbles) which cloud her vision from time to time, but that's just my opinion. What I mean is that those demons are just 'grist for the spiritual mill', as opposed to impediments to a spiritual life as such. But we shall see. If sobriety has taught me anything, it has taught me that I cannot rely on my perceptions. So gawd knows.
Also she hasn't got round to getting to know all you !! cool blogging people out there. Of which there are many. I'm actually very pleasantly surprised at how many cool people there are out there in the blogsphere. It's certainly opened up a new bunch if like minded people that I simply do not see as much of in my day to day AA life. Anyway I'm happy to see she is trying to get back into the posting swing of things.
I'm sure she'll like it once she gets into the swing of it as I am surprised at how much I get from this thing. Its better than I though it would be. Having said that I may become very negligent when my coursework starts again in October. We shall see.

Anyway, If you feel the urge, pop over and say hi. As I'm sure she will be thrilled !!! to bits to find she has had visitors. !!! (Well I always like it when I get comments and I'm sure she is no different.)

Her blog is called Progress not Perfection. as she can expect things to be a 'certain way' quite a LOT. Plus she has a slightly driven streak when it comes to problem solving which can very often get in the way of finding the solution. But I'm sure she will be a laid back hippy in no time! 'Que sera sera' and all that.. Just takes a bit of time that's all. I think I was pretty ? 'driven' ? 'intense' for the first 5 years or so of my recovery. But its always more difficult to get an accurate picture of oneself so who knows. But it FELT intense. I know that. Whatever. But then I was very MAD when I was new, so I had no choice. I could not 'let up' on my spiritual course of action", because I would have felt CRAP. I had to work VERY hard (usually talking to newcomers) to keep the demons at bay. I think I had quite a few of those demons. Still do really. I just have a different way of relating to them. They are 'alright'. But then EVERYTHING's 'alright', so that's not really saying much. What I mean is I have peace around the inevitable? Tugs and pulls at the heartstrings. Its ok. Right well I'm waffling now, so I'd better be off to that gym!
Hope you guys have a GREAT Monday and if you live over here, drink lots of water, as its going to be HOT over here, and you'll get pooped otherwise. See y'all..

The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether'

Chapel in Lincolns Inn, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

This really relates to the previous post called American Beauty: "But it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world".
Do you notice that when you watch that clip from yesterdays post about the movie American Beauty,, that it ? 'connects' you to another ? 'transcendent', 'ethereal' mind state?

Sometimes I call it being a 'space cadet'.
Sometimes I call it being 'tuned in'.
Sometimes I call it 'transcendent'
It feels a little ? 'ethereal', high or spaced out..
Like the veil between this world and ? Another world gets just a little bit thinner. Feels weird, but in a GOOD way.

Well that's what life is like when your MOTIVE is to be of MAXIMUM HELPFULNESS, and your life is about SERVICE. That is the ? 'magic fairy dust' I was talking about* that comes into existence when we think of what we can do for others, and go out of our way to REALLY help newcomers. Its VERY cool.
But I use this term a LOT (One foot in the 'World', one foot in the 'Ether') to describe what it feels like to be 'living along spiritual lines.'
Its ADDICTIVE once you get a 'taste' 'of it. Feels thoroughly blissful. I can highly recommend it!!

And what do you have to do to get this thing?
Well, my theory is
Constant thought of others in the form of a MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM HELPFULNESS, 'in ALL your affairs'.

There is a LOT to this and I am in the process of TRYING to commit it to posts, but haven't finished it. Its the best part of my programme, and one of the most laborious to explain. Ah well. I will get it done at some point.
Anyway. Have yourselves a DANG good Tuesday!

*See post called "Magic Fairy Dust: Constant Thought of others, combined with MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness"

American Beauty: "But it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world"

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me
... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...

...and then I remember to relax,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but gratitude
for every single moment
of my stupid little life...

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.
But don't worry...

You will someday."

-From American Beauty Script (at the end)

"When you stop seeing beauty, you start growing old"
U2. Summer Rain Lyrics.

I really like this end bit of the film. It captures the ? Abandonment of ? 'reason' as such when one 'sees' beauty. It's everywhere really. If you choose to look for it. Its not something that comes from the mind. Its a ? 'seeing' that comes from the heart. Or something. Anyway. Its not the ? Brain' that's sees this stuff. It is not an 'idea'. But you know when you have it. Like most really good things in life, -Very hard to describe.
There is also a quality of timelessness that I really like about this segment of the film. It has an 'air' of the poem by William Blake.

To see a World in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour

Blake is one cool geezer. From early childhood he had visions of angels. He is buried very close to Old street station (Bunhill Fields Burial Ground, City Road) and you should go and see th grave if you happen to be in the neighborhood. Here is a website with some information about him and the grave.

"One of Blake's strongest objections to orthodox Christianity is that he felt it encouraged the suppression of natural desires and discouraged earthly joy."
(From wikipedia page about William Blake What a COOL guy. I LOVE his attitude to ? 'religion'. Right up my street!

Are you being a Control Freak with your Character Defects?: "The more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got." p66

Interior Stone Gothic Archways, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Stop fighting your demons: (Control Freak. White knuckle. Self will)

For me its when I am essentially being a CONTROL FREAK that I get hung up on the TODAY's emotional 'outcome.' For example:

Whether I am impatient TODAY
Whether I am intolerant TODAY
Whether I have self pity TODAY
Whether I have inferiority TODAY

The 'outcome' is NONE OF MY BUSNESS. We all have a ?'dark side', a weak side to our personality. I just don't feel ? shame about that anymore. but that's shadow work really. Once you understand the shadow side of things, you stop feeling judgmental and bad about dark ? lurking parts of the mind.

By the way these are GREAT books on Shadow work:
Meeting the Shadow by Connie Zweig
A Little Book on the Human Shadow by Robert Bly
Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Doesn't mean I ENCOURAGE them. Just means I accept that EVERY human has them. The whole human condition is a bit weird really. Can be very dark and very light at the same time. There are so many facets to the mind. It never ends. Its when we stop 'fighting' the 'dark side' that a RELAXED ACCEPTANCE sort of 'kicks in' and everything calms down. Ironic really. 'the more we fight and try to have our own way, the worse matters got' as they say..

Life is just TOO SHORT. And besides, getting hung up on this stuff is too much like taking myself FAR TOO SERIOUSLY. Not wearing life like a loose garment.
I call it 'right effort'. Where I am putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do the 'next right thing', but at the same time, NOT BEING PREOCCUPIED WITH THE OUTCOME too much.
Yeah its a bit of a balancing act. Lots of effort. Going to ANY LENGTHS sometimes as a matter of fact, but not placing my mental energy in the OUTCOME. Why? Because IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I have no way of controlling the outcome, so it makes no sense really to get too concerned with it.
So yeah. Get busy going to ANY LENGTHS to have a FABULOUS life, but do not waste one iota of mental or emotional energy on the outcome of your efforts, as you have no control over the outcome anyway.

Whatever. That's just what I think.
Yeah I get frustrated at the speed of my improvements in some areas too. But that's normal to feel like that from time to time. I just don't have the mental energy to be 'fussy' about my recovery. Being pretty laid back has become the norm, so fussing over ANYTHING just feels ? 'odd'. So yeah, I want things quicker too, but by and large I just kind of plod on, and just get on with it.

How I try to get over 'disillusioning behavior' from people in AA, and wherever really..

IMAGE_180, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

For me, the ? 'answer is in non duality and shadow work. Which are pretty much the same thing anyway. If you really do see that there is only ONE person, as Thich Nhat Hanh so eloquently describes in the poem Call Me By My True Names, you have to reach a point where you see:

"I am a frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond. And I am the grass-snake that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. And I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate. And I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving."

Non duality is a TERRIFYING reality to admit to oneself. But it IS the true nature of things. So you, and that offender are one and the same. Intrinsically connected, just like Thich Nhat Hanh describes. What I find REALLY cool, is that AA was 'onto this' in 1935, when it told us to 'look for the similarities not the differences'. It goes much deeper than that, but essentially we have FAR more in common than we want to admit.

Yeah. Regarding the sexual abuse case in the papers, I know NOTHING about this guy. Saw him in meetings AGES ago and that's it really. For all we know he's been out on the piss. My ?(guess) theory is that he was not drinking, and for all we know he may have been going to meetings. There are plenty of sick puppies in meetings!! So that's not such a stretch. Plus this thing happened ? 10 years ago. So he would have been ? 5-7 ? Years sober at the time.
Gawd knows. Its not really important anyway.

Yeah I remember when I first got disillusioned with AA. 93? 94? Can't remember.. Thank GOD for the Buddhist monk that explained that disillusionment happens on EVERY spiritual path. Not just the AA one! Its a very respectable 'rite of passage'. You have to somehow keep your heart open and compassionate despite the few bad apples, and disheartening examples. But you also have to have some kind of compassion for the sick people, like Thich Nhat Hanh does in the poem Call Me By My True Names, or else you will go mad!

What was weird, was that the thing that started me off on this 'dis'ing old timers was one online AA that I found horrifyingly ? Dogmatic and 'authoritative', for want of a better word. Without naming names I wanted people to see how !! dodgy the whole ''preaching' thing is. So there you go. I let AA's piss me off from time to time too. I'm sure they think they are doing the right thing, but I think it sounds a bit mad. I can't help but worry what people newer than me make of it. If they immediately assume this person 'knows' what they are talking about. I like to think I can spot a 'duff' one at 100 paces, but I don't think newer people can.. Whatever. Its none of my business either. But being someone with 20 odd years has really shown me how MEEK and SUBSERVIENT and TRUSTING some newer AA's are with long time sober people. To be honest I find it quite HORRIFYING how trusting some people are. I don't think I was ever like that. Oh well.

But yes. (in MY opinion) I think its VERY, I repeat VERY healthy, to see AA in the LONG term. (5 years and over) as 'spiritual kindergarten'. Step 11 should eclipse AA in spiritual power. Leaving AA as some kind of base camp. Step 11 is where you 'climb'. AA is much more 'grass roots' spirituality. A place to learn, humility, patience, tolerance, and generosity. Helping others. But the 'illuminations' belong to a GOOD (non AA) step 11. (Meaning you look OUTSIDE AA for examples of enlightened activity) I never learned Step 11 from Step 11 meetings, or from other AA members talking about THEIR experience of step 11. I went straight to the horses mouth so to speak. I found some of the most highly respected, world famous enlightenment teachers on my doorstep. There arent that many so they are pretty easy to track down. Plus some choose tp teach all over the world. 'Why speak to the monkey when you can speak to the organ grinder' sort of thing. So I learned about Step 11 in Monasteries, with senior monks and nuns from various religions. Mainly Buddhist. Obviously, thats a very personal preferenece, meaning its a free country and you can practice step 11 any way you wish. But I have to admit that sponsees who do the same, feel EXACTLY the way I do about AA after they meet some (what I call) 'Senior teachers' outside AA. but that's another story really..
I do my 'grass roots' with meetings and newcomers, but I get my direction and strength from step 11. That is what informs my actions, and tells me where to go next.

For me meetings are like being an auxiliary nurse. Real basic stuff, but hard work nonetheless. Its like a basic workout. A sort of once over. Like brushing my teeth every day. And the step 11 stuff. Well that's like SUPER-advanced yoga classes, or attending a lecture by the finest professor on the subject, that makes the most complex esoteric truth seem like common sense. In aa, I feel as though I am mopping up blood and vomit. Dirty work, but good for me, and thankfully does bring me closer to my higher power if I do it in the right spirit. Reminds me of when Gandhi insisted on the regular practice of cleaning the latrines as a way of maintaining humility. AA (for me) is the 'dirty work', but it gives me a great deal of pleasure when I do it right. And step 11 refines and pushes me in ways that AA meetings never could.
Whatever. That's just what I think.

The 'old life' loses its luster: "Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

IMAGE_213r, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Hmm Regarding the 'old life'. The old stuff doesn't appeal to me either. When you find a real joy in ? Transcendent things that appear out of the ether after helping newcomers, it can make the rest of the world seem very unfulfilling and pointless.
You have to somehow learn to embrace the 'world' and all its ? 'hollow' things, knowing that the 'world' offers us NO real 'refuge' as such. Refuge can only be found in the ? 'realm of the spirit'. But we have to love the world anyway. We cannot turn our backs on it, just because it Is not ultimately satisfying. Besides, there IS beauty in worldly things. It is after all the place we are assigned to grow along spiritual lines. So yes, it is a bit of a 'downer' when you see the limitations of it. But that does not mean we cannot enjoy it in its own 'level'.
You are changing inside. That's all. The world looks different and feels different. This is a good thing. But yes, it places a responsibility on YOU to find ways of enjoying it that make sense to YOU.

"Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives." p83 Big Book
Why do you think the first 100 members said that?
The 'world' falls away. And all we have to hold on to, is spiritual principles. The highest of which is the desire to help other human beings get sober and stay sober. That's it I'm afraid!

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

Yeah I know it sounds grim, but if you really ARE living along spiritual lines. Initially anyway, the world can suddenly seem very LIMITED in terms of what it has to offer. That new job, new car, new house etc, can suddenly seem MUCH less compelling.

"The spiritual life is not a theory. We HAVE to live it." p83 Big Book
" We have entered the world of the Spirit." p84 Big Book

If you are feeling like this. Think of this as a 'transition phase' where your job is to find things that you DO enjoy. They are often little things. You just need to refocus. To adjust your viewpoint slightly.
But yes, the cars, houses etc are NICE, but no they DON"T really change how we feel at the end of the day.
Happiness IS an inside job. But the good news, is that if you ARE happpy in yourself, those cars, houses etc can be fun things! So do not despair! Ut gets better!
But yeah. Phone a newcomer as well. Give it away to keep it and see how you feel after.

Reminds me a bit of that old post I did called
Are you hoping that one day everything will be fine and you'll enjoy everything?
Where I posted something I heard which was:
"You can enjoy everything, nothing is too small or large to enjoy.
You should learn to enjoy, in all aspects of your life.
"Tell me one thing in the day you look forward to."

Quality not Quantity: TY show called Faking it: FURTHER proof that length of Sobriety ALONE counts for VERY little

"Quality not Quantity" is the slogan that tells us that the length of time sober ALONE tells us VERY LITTLE about a person. Nor is it an indication of skill or expertise in regards to the degree of wellbeing achieved. Not everyone uses the time in AA wisely! Some use the time to better effect than others.

Newcomers always seem to think I am pulling their leg when I say that. But I mean it with utmost sincerity. I never, repeat NEVER, assume that someone is in more impressive 'fit spiritual condition', simply because they have been sober longer than another person. There's just MORE to it than that I'm afraid.

Anyway, it just crossed my mind when I happened upon this TV programme called Faking it by Channel 4., that it illustrates this wisdom PERFECTLY. So I am drawing your attention to it.

Here's some blurb from the website for the show:
"Faking It is a transformational battle against the odds. Our faker is plucked from their natural habitat and given four weeks to master a skill well enough to fool a group of EXPERT judges."

OFTEN, the Panel of EXPERTS, conclude that the FAKE does a BETTER in 28 DAYS than others who have been doing the SAME thing for YEARS. DECADES in fact.
So what does that tell you?

See? Quality NOT Quantity.

Here. is a link to the Channel Four website for the show
And here. is a link to an episode of the show on google videos, about a posh history of art guy who becomes a grafitti artist in 28 days!!!!
How cool is that??

Helping others: Martyrs are INCREDIBLY !! UNspiritual

Relevant quotes:
"We (meaning the first 100 members) are SURE that GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE" p133 Big Book
"WE (meaning the first 100 members) ABSOLUTELY INSIST on ENJOYING LIFE" p132 Big Book

"Get off the cross we need the wood"

Helping others does NOT involve, becoming a MARTYR. Because AA tells us VERY specifically that martyrs are INCREDIBLY UNspiritual. Martyr is synonymous with 'sufferance', and there is not a SHRED of that 'sufferance' ideology in the Big Book. So unless you are confident that you know better than the first 100 members, you will take that on board and work from the assumption that the 'martyr trip' is NOT in keeping with AA doctrine.
In fact you would be SERIOUSLY endangering your 'fit spiritual condition' if you were to decide to play the martyr.

So no. The AA 'Rules' are that:
A) GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE,
and B) WE ABSOLUTELY INSIST ON ENJOYING LIFE. No exceptions.

So, as long as you are HJ&Free, you can help as many people as you like!
As SOON as your attempts to help others STOP feeling HJ&Free, then you KNOW you must be OFF TRACK in some way.
Either you are doing it WRONG, or you are doing it TOO MUCH. Could be one or the other.
Basically, if 'constant thought of others feels BAD, then you are doing it WRONG. Sorry! There are NO exceptions to that rule. Not in the Big book anyway! So if that id your experience..then back to the drawing board with that instruction, as you haven't quite figured it out yet.
(Well that's how I do it, and that's how I ? 'pass it on' to others. Seems to work for me AND for them.

Magic Fairy Dust: Constant Thought of others, combined with MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness

Relevant Big Book quotes are:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others. p102 Big Book.
"OUR VERY LIVES, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. p20 Big Book.
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead. p14 Big Book.
"How can I BEST SERVE Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us CONSTANTLY." p85 Big Book.
"Then we resolutely TURN OUR THOUGHTS TO SOMEONE WE CAN HELP." p84 Big Book.
" Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed". p102 Big Book.

If you PRACTICE 'constant thought of others' plus, MOTIVE of maximum helpfulness, in your BRAIN. (Which is actually not NEARLY as difficult as it sounds), it FEELS like MAGIC FAIRY DUST is EVERYWHERE. Wel I find that to be the case anyway, and so do other people when they do the same thing. So there you go.
How cool is that!!!!

Whatever Its quite difficult to explain how to actually PRACTCE 'constant thought of others' combined with 'maximum helpfulness' MOTIVE, so I'm not going to do that just here. Suffice to say I will provide you with a recent case history that shows how POWERFUL this PRACTICE is.
I've seen it work its MAGIC, MANY times over the years, but this one is recent and fresh in my mind so I will share a bit of it.

Basically, I !! Bullied a AA lady I met recently into re evaluating the way she was doing the programme lately, and she is STUNNED by how DIFFERENT she feels in such a short time. The effect is INSTANT really, if I'm honest. But she said the same herself, AT THE TIME I EXPLAINED THIS TO HER FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
Weirdly enough, just HAVING THE INFORMATION as to how to practice 'constant thought of others' is ENOUGH to IMMEDIATELY ALTER YOUR MIND STATE. Cool!
That's why 'The Six Things' are SO powerful. And the cool thing is, you can do it from the VERY BEGINNING of your sobriety!! Right from the week of meetings. That's what's so great about 'The Six Things'. ANYONE can do them.

I was saying to her. "Can you see?, that when you do this stuff, it feels like 'Magic Fairy Dust' all the time or something? And she said ..'yeah..."
I said, "Well it STAYS like that, if you keep your thoughts kind of 'pointing in that direction', (The direction being, 'What can I do for others', 'What's the MOST I can contribute here?' etc etc)
Cool!! I am GLAD I 'confronted' her on her old approach. I ! Didn't like it much at the time!! But it was worth it. But then 'going to any lengths' "to give it away to keep it' ALWAYS is. Provided you MOTIVE is good that is..

Yeah I know I sound like a bit of a freak here, but you just have to bear with me on this one. I've seen it happen so many times now, that I kind of take it for granted.
Yes I PROMISE I will TRY to do a post explaining EXACTLY how I tell people to 'do' constant thought of others', but that will be a bit of work. So later! Trust me, Its quite a bit of work to explain it! Normally I do it verbally.

NONE of us will be able to say, 'oh yeah, you know I just don't have negative thoughts or behaviors', but what we CAN do is become REALLY good at getting on top of hem when they show up, and creating a mind state which is pretty DAMM !! Impenetrable to negative s**t. Good karma, or what I like to call 'constant thought of others' creates a FORTRESS of good energy around you, which protects you and insulates you from the 'slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.
I love it. You can get sort of 'high' on it actually. Whatever. That's another post really.

Random snaps from my mobile phone on flickr

IMAGE_078r, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I LOVE a gadget, so having just figured out (after QUITE some time!) how the DANG camera works on my mobile phone, I'm being a bit of a 'tourist' and randomly clicking as I go my merry way...
Anyway it's better fun than I thought it woud be, so I might just make a habit of it. Could just be becuase the weather is LOVELY over here. I dunno. But who cares. I like looking at other peoples photos, so I thought why not bung a few on flikr in case anyone is similarly inclined..
Knowing me, I might get bored of this in a week, but you never know.
Right. I'm off. Hope you are alll having a GREAT Thursday!

Quality not Quantity: Old timer (? As far as I know.?.) shagging a 14 yr old girl. Allegedly.

Disillusionment: Sexual misconduct: ? AA ? Old timer (? 60 yrs old) having sexual relations with 14 year old, over a year or so . Allegedly.

When I talk about 'disappointing' or 'disillusionment'. it sounds rather mild mannered, doesn't it? Well the REALITY of 'disappointing' and 'disillusionment' is actually rather RAW and depressing!! To say the least!!!! Here's an example for you so you can get my drift.
Here's an example of something disillusioning and disappointing..

Its a story in the paper I read the other day.
I read about a guy I knew from AA AGES ago (18 years ago or something) who as far as I know stayed sober but I don't really know, as don't bump into him very often and even when I did see him regularly, I never made an effort to get to know him or talk to him.

Basically there are VERY FEW guys in AA that I speak to or get to know. Partly because there are SO MANY I wouldn't have the time even if I DID want to, and also because a lot of them are lonely and MISINTERPRET friendliness as sexual interest. Basically its just MUCH easier if I stick with the women..

Well anyway, he ALLLEGEDLY had sex with a 14 year old. Blah blah blah. Yeah also cleared of looking at kiddie porn for 'research purposes'. Yeah right.
Whatever. I don't think his name or the details are important. The only reason I mention this is because I saw it in the paper, and just beforehand was ? Moved to post about 'beware of aa old-timers full of s**t' yesterday. So you could say there was a bit of a theme going on there!!

So do you see !! WHY you should never just assume that just because someone has been sober for a long time that they must somehow be ? Less fallible, or less likely to be full of CRAP than anyone else????

See????? QUALITY NOT QUANTITY!!!!!!!
I think this case history makes that !! abundantly clear.

Anyway, before you all start frothing at the mouth and despairing as to the general plight of the human condition nowadays, FIRSTLY
I've seen a TON of sexual misconduct by old timers since I've been in AA, so this is NOTHING NEW to me. Its called 13th stepping and it happens ALL THE TIME. AA has its fair share of (what I call) 'sexual predators' who look out for very new bewildered, and very impressionable new girls to get off with, after spouting a few aa clichés and what have you.
Its EASY. Like shooting fish in a barrel. So it is an ongoing problem. Rather than whinge about it, I try to be part of the solution and 'brief' new women of this inherent risk AS SOON AS THEY COME TO MEETINGS. Whatever. That all I can do really. I can't 'change' the men's behavior, so I try to protect the women instead.

By the way I DO NOT HATE GUYS. Just in case you are thinking that. I have been very lucky in getting to know some really nice people in aa, but I have to admit, that by and large I am MUCH more 'at home' with people who are NOT alcoholics. Generally. That's a very personal thing, but its just how I feel. I feel more comfortable with non alcoholics. I RELATE more to alcoholics, but I would rather be with NON alcoholics.
Right I'm off.. Again. !

The human condition is pretty unflattering. We are quite infantile, petty creatures really.

Well that's what it seems like anyway. Perhaps it is ? Different for 'normal' non alcoholics? The people that just seem to get things done and not react very much at all? I dunno. But this is something I have been noticing a LOT lately.. Seems to be EVERYWHERE...

The more I get to know my head, the more ? 'small' and pathetic it looks. I call it, petty, childish, pathetic, defensive, grandiose, lazy, reptilian, 'cornered rat syndrome'. what I'm trying to say is that it is NOT very sophisticated. No 'big' words for it. I thought getting to know my mind would be 'interesting' and ? academic or something. But instead it seems very basic and a bit petty and embarrassing.
I can sort of see now why a wise person told me that I didn't need a therapist and I would do a much better job of it on my own. most of the time I see my outlook as very basic. an attempt to avoid 'grown up' things. stay a child, and shift the blame onto someone else.
I think you get used to it after a while. but at the moment I am surprised at how petty and small the human condition is. I'm sure I will reach a point where I have more compassion for this, but its a big disappointment to see it the way I do. (By the way if I am disappointed, it just means my previous expectations were too high)

Don't get me wrong. I can see there is good stuff in my head as well,but the 'small', lazy, petty, hiding, avoidant, shifting blame part, just looks SO disappointing. There are grand aspects of the human condition, but the 'small' bit looks SO lame. Oh well.
I think what I find disappointing, is that because there are layers of more sophisticated thought, its like I think we should 'know better'. But I suppose alongside the sophistication and more developed ideas, is a much more ? Reptilian part of the brain. Hey I will get used to it, but for the time being this is my current ? Disappointment I am coming to terms with.
I think to myself, 'why isn't it second nature for people to employ their OBVIOUS intelligence in the pursuit of the destruction of this childish pettiness? And why are these very capable minds still being run on some level by an inner infant? I would like them to be more impartial and less at the mercy of these basic childish instincts.

Whatever. Its none of my business. I don't know WHY I thought looking in my brain would reveal something 'interesting' or 'impressive', any more than you should expect to be 'impressed' when you cut open a body (surgery etc) to examine the contents. Well inside the mind is no more 'impressive' to look at than examining the contents of a body. Both are impressive from the point of view of the miraculous functions they are able to perform. A liver, for instance is an incredible piece of biological engineering, but I don't WANT to LOOK at a liver or HOLD one in my hand. Why? Because there's something very BASIC and very VISCERAL about it. It does not look 'grand', if you know what I mean. Well that the same way I feel about my mind. I can see there are aspects of its functioning that are transcendent and drawn to elevated ideas, but at the same time, I can see that it is THOROUGHLY BASIC in its nature too. That seems to me to be the FAR more obvious part of it.
So there you go. That's what's been on my mind lately. I am coming round to the idea. But I'm not quite there yet. I am in the process of getting used to the idea that our intelligence does not save us from our childish (ego driven) tantrums.
Now I can see why 'restraint of tongue and pen' is such a HIGH teaching. Because it essentially ROADBLOCKS this 'pathetic' part of the brain. Which, now I can see, is a HUGE part of the mind. So when you take that on, you are being pretty brave!

It sort of makes me want to be a marine, or a Shaolin monk, or spend three hours a day in the gym or something. Meaning I want to develop something inside me SO tough and SO strong, that I rarely have to observe this SMALL, PETTY bit of my mind. Or that if it does raise its head that I have the coolness or the impartiality to see it for what it is and not give in to it.
By the way I'm not saying that all marines or fitness freaks are enlightened. I'm just saying I could do with 'some of what they have' to deal with this part of the mind I am noticing a lot more these days.

Ah well . I will just have to look at developing more willpower and discipline. Or something!
Right off to the gym . Have a nice Wednesday!

Supposed 'Authorities' in AA: Don't be INTIMIDATED by them. Make your OWN mind up.

And yes. That includes me. (Just in case you have the MISFORTUNE to either put me on a ? 'pedestal', or conclude that I am any less FALLIBLE than any other human being)

Why?
Tradition 2:
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; THEY DO NOT GOVERN.

Tradition 12:
"ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities."

Yes on the one hand, if people are VERY new, or I have GRAVE, IMMEDIATE concerns about them, I MAY choose to suggest something VERY clearly. But OUTSIDE of that, (after step 9 really) I would MUCH PREFER people to think for themselves.

That's one (of the many) reasons why I prefer not to sponsor formally after step 9. I want people to START THINKING FOR THEMSELVES.
Ok , if they REALLY want to ask me about something in particular, fair enough. But what I DON"T want them to do, is to end up thinking that they are SOMEHOW INCAPABLE OF FIGURING THINGS OUT FOR THEMSELVES.

Apart from the fact that I would have NO FREE TIME WHATSOVER if I chose NOT to do that. I strongly believe that it is in THEIR best interests to learn to start to trust their OWN judgment.
I just don't think its right if you end up thinking that you are ALWAYS wrong, or that you cant make a decision about something without asking a dozen people.
Basically its all about balance.
Yeah, some cant make a decision for love nor money and end up asking a TON of people. And then others think they know everything!!! And are a bit peculiar in my opinion!
Yeah, and the ones that are angry, depressed, or fearful, well they cant see the wood for the trees so they have a lop sided view which isn't very good when trying to make decisions. Oh well.

I mean the 'normal' ones. (after step 9 really) They need to be FAR more confident of their perceptions and their ability to figure things out. Yes, of course they will make STUPID mistakes, but that's going to happen anyway. Life involves taking risks. You cant avoid that. And with risk comes the possibility of embarrassing failure.
Personally I LOVE asking cool people questions about how to go about my life. (Any excuse to talk to them really) But there are not many people that fall into that category I'm afraid to say.

What I was TRYING to say before I got HOPELESSLY sidetracked, is
DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY PEOPLE IN AA (or any other 12 step programme) WHO PROFESS TO BE AN 'AUTHORITY' ON ??? ANY ASPECT OF RECOVERY.
I may be infuriatingly clear in the manner in which I choose to express myself, but I do NOT, I repeat.. NOT
THINK I HAVE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.
And in fact I go to a LOT of trouble to try VERY HARD to communicate that to people. In fact it ANNOYS me when anybody makes that assumption about me, or any other member of AA. I find admiring comments quite ikky too..
So there you go.
So, Don't EVER let ANYBODY talk DOWN to you. EVER. (Talking down to you is SUPERIORITY, not humility.)
Or I will send the boys round!! Heheh..
See? I can be intimidating TOO when I try!!. Were you scared???
Oh well. Never mind. Maybe next time...

PS: Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against expertise. I think when I say 'authority' here I mean something that appears to be 'superior, or 'better than', in a way that INHIBITS one from including ones own version of events. Sort of like when you dismiss your own concerns because you think 'they know better'. That's what I mean. What Im trying to describe here is arrogance and superiority, not expertise.
For instance I really like Bill gates, and he is very much an expert, but I do not perceive him as presenting himself as 'the final word' on matters regarding computers. He does not strike me as 'superior'. Or an 'unquestioned authority'.
Anyway I hope that makes it a little clearer..

What I DO aim to do as 'standard' when I Sponsor

Some sponsors have a very unstructured approach with sponsoring. Fair enough. It's up to them. Each to their own, but I thought I'd just share a bit about how I approach it. Its the ONLY way for me to do it without getting very resentful!
Basically I find you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time. Unless oyu are a lady of leisure! And have a TON of free time..

Anyway here are some 'structures' I have in place when I sponsor. I am flexible, but this is the general structure.

What I DO aim to do as 'standard'
5-10 min calls Mon to Friday preferably in the morning. (7.30-8.30am type thing)
2hr weekend bookings either for:
2hr evening bookings Mon-Thurs either for:
Reading out step one or two written work
Reading out step four as part of step5
'Out of hours' calls if it is an emergency or it cannot wait.
Mobile text queries at any time, but whether I answer them or not is at my discretion. But if you send me too many I will ask you not to.
Email. Anytime. Same as text really. Answers are at my discretion, and if you send too many I will ask you not to.
I will make exceptions if the circumstances are such that you cannot do the stuff I mentioned above, but I do NOT like to make a habit of it.

Coffee after meeting. Once a week. With other Sponsees.
See them at a meeting once a week. Ie make an effort to be at one meeting as a definite arrangement once a week. Otherwise meetings are 'off the cuff'.

Examples of stuff I do NOT do as ''standard' when I Sponsor

Basically you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time.

Examples of stuff I do NOT do as ''standard'
but WILL do AT MY OWN DISCRETION:
Random time calls
Random length calls
Weekend calls (What I call 'time off')
Evening calls (What I call 'time off')

I never do 'random time' calls. in fact it surprises me that ANYONE with a busy lifestyle COULD do that. I arrange 5-10min calls at set times. ideally in the morning. but other times if that's not poss. mon to fri only. other than that it would have to be a VERY important reason to call. ie calling me on my ''time off'. I will take calls on those times, but only if it is VERY important, or urgent and cannot wait.
Put it this way. would YOU want Sponsees to call you at random times throughout the day? I wouldn't! I don't think I know ANYONE that would welcome that arrangement.

What I consider to be 'Bad' Sponsors

To be honest I get a bit fed up listening to stories of people who have sponsors who:

Change plans at the last minute. Or don't show up.
Are never available.
Say they are going to do stuff and then don't do it. Ie unreliable and flaky.
Cannot be got hold of on the phone.
End up talking about THEIR OWN STUFF instead of the Sponsees stuff.
Are totally inflexible.
Get pissed off with Sponsees when the approach they are using is partly responsible for causing friction. Ie blame the Sponsee instead of reappraising the method they are using. Hey don't get me wrong, all Sponsees can drive you NUTS, but by and large it is WRONG to always assume that the fault lies with the Sponsee. That's all. Sometimes a different approach is needed. A tougher approach, or a softer approach. It all depends. Again this is at the discretion of the sponsor. If you simply do not have time for constructing another approach, then you have no choice but to suggest they find a different sponsor.

I have a list a mile long !!! of (what I consider to be) bad sponsorship, but I have focused here mainly on:
Flakiness
Unmanageability
Basic inability to get to grips with the Sponsee.

There are very common complaints. But there are many others!

I pretty much aim to let go of Sponsees after step 9

I pretty much aim to let go of Sponsees after step 9, so I never let them 'build up'. Meaning I would never have more than 5 or 6 doing the steps at any one time. Plus I try to do ALL 1-9 in 9 months if poss. So I'm always recycling Sponsees. I don't 'keep' them for long. But that's a very personal approach. I could never do that thing where you have 50 Sponsees or something. Jeez. What a nightmare! I don't mind the occasional query from someone who has done the first nine steps, but I don't want to 'baby-sit' them through various life decisions on some kind of permanent basis, if I can help it.

Basically you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time.

Quality not Quantity

There are PLENTY of nutcases in AA as you probably know by now, and there's no reason why sponsor might not be a bit nutty too!! You can't put them on pedestals! Just because they've got some time DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. You'd be surprised how disappointing the human condition is!
Either find someone with more structure in the way they sponsor people, then hopefully they will have more free time. Either that or get someone who has no job, no hobbies, no friends so plenty of free time!!

I ALWAYS say "QUALITY NOT QUANTITY"
Meaning the QUALITY of their 'wellbeing' and their ability to cope with life, is FAR more important than HOW LONG THEY HAVE BEEN SOBER. Mind you the quality of wellbeing has a different value over time. Dizzy idealism may 'look' positive in the early years, but is replaced with a more mature 'benign wellbeing' in later recovery. So yes, positivity 'looks' different over time. But that's a different post really.

Turns out I've spent (approximately) 47% of my life not drinking in 12 step recovery..

Cool huh? I thought I would try to calculate it because Doc a pointed out I had 7500 days today. (Thanks Doc as I hadn't noticed till you said..)
It will be nice when it is 50%!!

Yeah so why do I STILL not know everything then???
I think I should go ask for my money back eh?
Never mind. Maybe NEXT year, I will have figured everything out..
You never know!

By the way I am being facetious!!! Hey I don't mind. Keeps me on my toes. But that's why I like talking to people who've been around a bit longer, because they have LONG since shed the ILLUSION that at some point they will have ''arrived'. Only newer people have that kind of expectation. Poor things! Its always a bit disillusioning when the truth of that reality finally sinks in. oh well. Learning how to deal with disillusionment is a VERY important part of ANY spiritual journey you know.
When people experience it, they often think there is something 'wrong'. There isn't . Its 'business as usual'. You still go to meetings. You just alter your expectations. Or better still have none. Have ASPIRATIONS or INTENTIONS instead. Much better! What you should NOT do is 'ditch the baby out with the bathwater' and quit meetings, or quit AA.
Right gotta go! GYM!!

Nip in and say Hi to SE at The World of an Addict..

Ah bless. Another new blogger. 6 months! Cool. Another alkie on the mend! Always a nice thing to see. Its called The World of an Addict.
I don't know if its a he or a she, but I dare say that will figure itself out in due course! Meantime its just SC. I kind of like using initials because they all sound like rappers names to me. You know like J Lo and all that nonsense..
Anyway just thought I'd let you know we have a new alcoholic blogger on the block!
Anyway hope you all are having a relaxing Sunday. For some strange reason I am POOPED and have been reading a book on the couch instead of going to the gym FIRST. Bah!!!
That's the problem with being mellow, you have to MAKE yourself do things. Bummer. All these things were SO much easier when I was driven by a neurotic desire to prove? something to ?? somebody. Ah well. You can't have everything! Sometimes I wish I had some sort of Nazi life coach to yell at me to do things...never mind.
So, Please,. if there are any recovering alcoholics with Nazi-like powers of bullying, you are very welcome to become a life coach on my behalf, as I am FAR too comfortable for my own good. WAY too mellow. Ah well. Right I think I need some STRONG coffee from the Algerian Coffee Store and haul my alcoholic ass to the GYM, before it is in danger of eclipsing the sun. Besides, there might ! be some cute guys in there. One never knows! Its always a bonus when there is a little eye candy to take ones mind off the (!!) grueling cardio..
Right I'm off! Have a nice Sunday!