I think that it's REALLY hard to admit defeat with something like that. Been there! Done that!!! It brings up all sorts of desperation and fear of being alone. Yuk!! Its not easy. All I can tell you from my own experience, is that the longer you 'stay' with something that ISN'T WORKING, the MORE pain there is to deal with when you finally do separate. Being rational and objective isn't even SLIGHTLY easy in these matters. but life has a way of 'educating' us (!!!) into submission. 'Resistance is futile' as they say. We have two choices, either we capitulate to the wisdom of our feelings, or we are 'bludgeoned into humility by pain and unremitting suffering'. Bleh!
'Simple but not easy' Too bloody right!
'Pain isn't caused by change, it's cause by RESISTANCE to change.'
'We don't make friends, we take hostages'
Wishful thinking. Deluded optimism.
There IS, on the other hand a time when perseverance IS called for, but I don't really want to mention it here because the people who are 'flogging a dead horse' will grab onto that (in a heartbeat!) as a lame excuse for dragging out the death throes EVEN LONGER.
By the way In all HEALTHY relationships, there will be 'rough edges', this is NOT what I'm talking about here..
This is more for the 'love addicts' out there who are chasing the 'love avoiders'. We are TERRIBLY REACTIVE, and that means when someone distances themselves in some from or other, our KNEE JERK reaction, is to TAKE THEM HOSTAGE, in some form or other.
It is ALSO true, that if someone is ALL OVER US like a SUGARY RASH, we will (very reactively) be REPELLED, and want to LEAVE asap!!
Oh yes, If you want to get in touch with your 'inner misguided fool', just look back at the way you have behaved with the people you formed relationships with! It's VERY humbling!!! Relationships do NOT show us in our most flattering light! They require a LOT of ego puncturing admissions to work. Well I think so anyway. But then I think most of life is like that really. But in relationships is is definitely more painfully obvious!!
Basically if you fancy a bit of ego puncturing, go get yourself a relationship! Fancy seeing the limits of your patience, tolerance, and understanding? A relationship will do that for you! Want to see how mean spirited you are when push comes to shove? You guessed it! Want to see yourself possess every shade of desperation, craving, insecurity, and neurosis? Yep. Go get yourself a relationship! Want to see some REALLY BAD decision making? Etc etc..
I think the best we can hope for is 'restraint of tongue and pen' when we experience 'moments' of irrationality and desperate feelings. It would be nice to be 'cured' of these moments of weirdness, but I do not expect that to happen somehow!
Relationships are not for pansies! That's why they say leave it till after step 9. It is the home of hot headed irrationality and neediness. Lovely!! Plus we all get to act like spoilt children, trying to get our own way and failing! I feel sorry for the poor bastard whose inventory we take!
They are GREAT things, as tools for growth, but I would NOT describe them as EASY, that's for sure.. All relationships require 'difficult conversations' from time to time. Alkies DO NOT like those!
Some people 'coast' in a comfortable, habitual rut, but that doesn't count! That might FEEL 'easy', but I don't believe that, that IS really easy. Not in the long run. Some people do manage to do that though. It's not what I want though. The way I understand it anyway. I have 'coasted' myself in the past, but, it didn't work out.
I think 'normal' non alcoholics are occasionally VERY GENEROUS and UNTROUBLED, and can make life every easy for us if we get involved with them, but I don't think even the most service-orientated amongst us (meaning alkies) can say we have the same level of generosity when push comes to shove. We get all reactive and twisted inside, even if our CONDUCT is 'clean'. Who knows? as I can only see it from the alcoholic point of view, but I DO wonder sometimes what cool NON alcoholics see in us! That's my low self esteem talking there. Yes I DO still have it! I just accept these things as part of the emotional landscape. It's not what comes into my head that's important, its the way I DEAL with them. 'Act better than you feel' and all that..
- An Irish Friend of Bill
- I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Admitting defeat: Relationships that JUST AREN"T WORKING
Posted by An Irish Friend of Bill
Labels: Acceptance, Relationships
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Still got a lot to learn. If you still have it, let alone ME!
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