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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Friday, February 02, 2007

Self Talk: Saying NASTY things to ourselves

Self critical thoughts are themselves just a habit. All I know is it is MUCH harder to say nasty things to myself than it was before. But I can still do it. Again, I'm never really sure if these things occur LESS, or I have just stopped making a BIG DEAL of them. Either way, they just don't feature on my 'radar like they used to.
I can still in a careless moment be shocked at an inconsiderate, cruel thought I have had about myself though. In fact I think I am probably MUCH more sensitive to them now, (which is probably why I do them less), they are so cruel sometimes I weep, when I realize how NASTY some of those commenting thoughts can be. I would never in a MILLION years think of speaking to another person like that, so I find it quite shocking when it happens. I think it's just SO much much easier to make truly wounding digs at oneself simply because we have so much personal information at our disposal which we can use as ammunition. I think my cruel streak, knows it has no outlet in the 'real world', but sort of thinks it can 'get away' with saying cruel, personal, punishing things to myself. That's the 'shadow' as I call it, and bits of anger left rumbling around the system, looking for expression of some sort I reckon. If you don't deal with this stuff, it deals with you!

In my case I would say that in the same way that people curse or swear when they are frustrated and exasperated, that these callous unkind comments I hear myself saying to myself sometimes, are a way of 'smashing something up' like you see people do in films when they are angry. You know when they fling everything off the desk? Well outwardly, all my roads of harmful expression are blocked. Also the type of personal work that brings about this kind of exasperation, is 'invisible to the eye'. M 'battles' are nearly always personal and internal. So I think the 'invisible' source of the 'battles' PLUS the fact that all roads of negative self expression are BLOCKED, means that my carelessness tends to result in this inner 'flinging' of deliberately unkind words toward myself. Realizing the error of my ways can be terribly sad, once you grow a conscience!

The weird thing is, is that I do it so much LESS than I did it before, but I just never really noticed it before. It seemed 'normal' and didn't even register. Which is sad too. But most of us are TERRIBLY TERRIBLY UNCONCIOUS. Its SHOCKING seeing this, the longer you are sober and the more you see about how you actually think, to see how crappy our habitual thinking can be. I started to se how crazy it was when I first started going on retreats, but now I have a much more heartfelt appreciation of how mean and cruel some of those thought are, so it impacts on me more.

6 comments:

mAAry-AAnne said...

Hi and thanks for dropping by and the kind remarks. Totally agree re the critical self talk. I try to remember that its coming from a "critical parent" voice and not a nurturing or adult voice (that whole using transactional analysis thing). Anyway its definitely made an impact. Enjoying your entries. I'll be back to visit again.

Dharmashanti said...

Such a wonderful and important point and you made it well. When I become aware of a critical, loveless thought (whether towards myself or someone else), I simply say to myself and the Universe, "I am willing to let this go. I am willing to see things differently." Over time, it becomes easier to free myself of these remnants of my past way of living.

Thank you so much for sharing about this oft-overlooked issue.

Peace,
Dharmashanti

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Thanks dharma. I like pre-prescribed 'responses' like that. Half the battle is having them ready made up for the next ? problem. It's no good trying to figure these things out 'in the heat of battle'. They have to be ready and waiting, ahead of time. So that is cool, and I will give that a whirl and see what happens!
And thanks mary anne too, yep, I use that awareness too and it DOES help. Its so cool having you wise bloggers to get feedback from! Hope you are all having a FABULOUS Friday!

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

As usual, great post my Irish friend of Bill. Enjoy your weekend.

Anonymous said...

Bravo on your post about being mean to yourself. I suffer from this EVERYDAY. I hope that I too oneday will be shocked at the horrible things I say to myself about myself. Good post.

Kinda stumbled here, thanks for letting me comment.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Cool. Nice to meet you anon and thanks for your kind comment. You're very welcome! Stumble by here more often! Just the hope the 'stumbling' isn't due to vast quantites of gin!! Haha Just kidding. Stumble along any old darned way you like!