About Me

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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Correction!: Abuse responses

Upon reflection, I can see I was describing ONE common response to abuse. As opposed to a universal response. Also it was a bit confusing because I mixed it up with some other ideas, like the hungry ghost thing. So in the interests of clarity...
People who have been abused end up all different.
Some are prickly and defensive, some are doormats incapable of enforcing boundaries. Some think its ALWAYS their fault when a relationship goes wrong. That all they need to do is 'try harder'. Others are bitter and always blame the OTHER person, even when they themselves have behaved ! terribly. And mostly there are elements of both, as so many of us are a bunch of contradictions anyway, and swing from one to the other in a completely irrational way.

So there Is a broad range of types. So the guarded, defensive, untrusting type is just ONE response to abuse. The less socially skilled tend to be outwardly guarded, defensive, untrusting. The others with a bit more restraint or impulse control, might be EQUALLY guarded, defensive, untrusting, but it would not be nearly so evident. You might only get to see that when they are ambushed by triggers from within a relationship. As opposed to observing them in their day to day dealing with others.

So basically one is FAR TOO defended. And the other is NOT NEARLY defended enough!
The boundary-less person needs to learn to stop getting trampled on. We could call them the gullible, trusting types. Far too 'open'. Not 'contained' enough!
And the too-defended person needs to learn to STOP expecting EVERYONE to trample all over them! We can call them the 'suspicion at all times' type. Either too 'cut off' emotionally, or too 'contained'.

For what it's worth, I'm DEFINITELY the 24hr HYPER-vigilance type! As neurosis goes, it has its uses. I do not have the 'extreme cleaning' neurosis, (shame!) or the overachieving neurosis, (bummer!) but I DO have the 'hyper vigilance' neurosis. This comes in VERY handy when it comes to ANY form of contingency planning, and troubleshooting, and risk assessment. If you need anyone to do that stuff. Ask me! As it comes VERY naturally. I can EFFORTLESSLY identify EVERY possible risk, loophole and danger you have overlooked. I think I'm very 'survivor' orientated. Not in a wild eyed slightly crazy way! (As that would increase risk by attracting dodgy attention) But more like I'm very good at scanning the horizon for every unnoticed risk. I can spot a crazy person in the street from 100 paces. I sort of am familiar with danger, and expect it so I never have any trouble noticing where it might arise.

Basically I'm the opposite of a trusting gullible person, or bold risk taking entrepreneur type. Yes I do get caught out. But not very often. I have only had a bag stolen once. Put it this way. I can walk around most parts of London past all kinds of hoods and weirdoes and feel safe. I can walk past gangs of drug dealers at 3 in the morning on my own and feel safe. I think that is a bit unusual for women. I like to think I can 'out-psych hoods' who try to intimidate me. I have learned (from the old drinking days) how to never show fear when with dodgy people.
Yeah but the DOWN side of this is that trust is !!! Very difficult! Ima LOT better than I was, but I still have to ignore residual 'alarm bells' when dealing with 'good' people, who inadvertently set off a 'danger' trigger.

Phew. Hope that's a bit clearer!


Syd said...

I'm the trusting type for sure, which largely makes me not afraid of others. I've always been willing to give everyone the benefit of the doubt until someone slams me and shows me that they don't deserve my trust. That's when the judgment comes in. So I've basically held a lot of resentment towards people who "let me down" or so I thought. I'm learning that I have let a lot of people down myself and am to blame for many things. I still don't mind trusting and am working on the judgment part. When I can just move past taking someone else's inventory I will think that I'm making real progress.

joy said...

I'm glad I found your site. Thanks for the honesty and the wisdom here. I'll be back frequently!

Anonymous said...

Might it be possible to have a private word with you? I don't hide very much, or maybe better put that I'm aware of, lol. A few things I'd rather not put here, such as a link to another place on the net. Abuse and it's history to a group of people is something I'm seeing a lot of in another place. A great deal of them from England. Something there I'd like you to observe. To put it here, the link, might do some harm to those that gather there for some shelter and soul searching and to just have good fun. Abuse has it's typical signs, history and labels, but I'm seeing some that a lot don't because I have lived it. I suspect you're very busy and I would try very hard not to take up much of your time.

I am postpaleo@yahoo.com

Thanks for any consideration.

Had a laugh at the hyper vigilant, it was at myself. Know that damn thing all to well.