You know its perfectly normal to want to be in a relationship. If it's any consolation, a whole new world of possibilities opens up (if you make good use of your recovery) with regards to forming relationships. What I mean is that the more 'well' we are, the better we are at identifying and attracting the other 'well' people. Yeah of course we can all still get it horribly wrong, because we are not mind readers and terribly human. But by and large we are just better at sensing who is well and who is ! nuts.
But the bottom line is that it happens in gods time, not ours. 99.99% of alcoholics secretly believe they deserve ! crap, (crumbs on the table) even if they have a boatload of bravado in an attempt to cover that up.
So just be reassured that your expectations are probably VERY LOW. I don't mean that in a bad way, its just how CAN you want GOOD things if all you know is 'bad mental habits' about life such as ? Cynicism, negativity, self pity outlook, defeating attitudes, resentment in all its forms. I don't mean you are FULL of those things. I just mean you haven't learned to be AWARE of all those things.
That's what 'taking stock' is in step 4. Once you SEE these defeating outlooks in MUCH greater clarity in step 4, it's VERY hard to not notice them in others too. You notice it like you you'd notice bad breath in others. What I mean is that its MUCH more obvious where people are coming from. Not entirely. But you just get better at it. the upshot is, the stakes are 'raised' in terms of what you are looking for in people. Again the extent to which that happens depend on the extent to which you learn to identify your OWN weaknesses. Those character defects are worth getting to know!
You just have to TRUST that your higher power is not a DOPE and knows what they are doing in this respect, if for whatever reason you find you are not in a relationship at the time.
Besides, it's a 'grass is always greener thing' on both sides--single people want to be married, and married people want to be single. I think the mind is just very good at NOT noticing the PLUS side of the situation we are in, and finds reasons to be miserable based on what other people are doing. Good old envy! A VERY lopsided and INCOMPLETE view if ever there was one! And a recipe for PERMANENT dissatisfaction! Lovely!
- An Irish Friend of Bill
- I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Being 'well' up's the stakes in terms of what 'looks good' in potential relationships
Posted by An Irish Friend of Bill
Labels: Character Defects, Relationships, Step 4
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
I'm finding that the things that I recognize in others are the same things that I have to work on. I can say that I am getting much better at not accepting unacceptable behavior in anyone. I used to take it on the chin but don't anymore. I'm less than a year in the program but am working as hard as I can.
hey thanks. i liked reading that. i'm currently stuck in those low expectations and bad mental habits....
Thanks for the post. I guess that I will call myself a fence sitter today then, not single, but not really married. Have a great Easter!
many years ago a woman in a meeting said that people who were married wanted to be single and singles wanted to be married. I thought at the time how odd she was and how cynical.
Damn, now I can see it.
But today I am mostly happily married to an untreated Alanon (I chose him)I hope to never be single again but we'll see what God's plan is...
thanks for visiting my blog, nice to see you here
God's time and my time are not the same. I think I knew that on day one of my recovery. Lol
Good post. Thought provoking stuff. Thnaks for sharing it.
This is EXACTLY what I needed to read this fine morning. I'm newly single AND getting ready to start my fourth step. How lucky am I? Truly, even when I do find myself in those self-pitying modes my gratitude for being able to this spiritual work with such an amazing blueprint....
It's like the rules I should've been playing by all along but I never knew there was a rule book!
Many, many people I trust and love have told me that relationships will be a whole new game after I finish my fourth step...it feels true...
Post a Comment