Disappointment, Idealism, and why it’s not a good idea to put people on pedestals

I seem to be spending a lot of time recently explaining to people under 5 years of sobriety that just because people have been sober long time doesn’t necessarily mean that they are nice people, or that they are not seriously deluded or deeply unconscious in some way or other. I’m trying to puncture their idealism and bring them back down to earth because I think many of them tend to be idealistic and therefore unrealistic about what can reasonably be expected by embarking upon the steps. Or more to the point, that the vast majority can very often be compromised, or just not try very hard to get well and do a fairly half-baked job of it.

I found this great response to a query about disappointment, and I think it applies equally to AA or to any other institution that purports to contain reputable spiritual seekers of some kind. Basically it applies to any authority in my opinion. Principles before personalities as they say. Do not put any person on a pedestal. I edited the text so that it reads as though it applies to AA.

http://community.dhammaloka.org.au/threads/205-When-monastics-disappoint
The reality is that the number of truly exceptional people, whether in AA or Al Anon, is always going to be tiny. This is true even within a tradition as established as AA. So be careful not to take individuals as your refuge. Rather, simply remember that as long as we have the 12 Steps, there will always be a small number of people who realise 12 Step teachings; we just don’t know exactly who they are. Keep your eyes and ears open, keeping asking questions, and you will be able to steer the right course.

Please also remember that conditioning and delusion are very powerful forces. It is possible to be a good AA member or Sponsor, yet be profoundly deluded about certain issues. Anyone who is deluded hurts themselves, or their own cause, more than anyone else. If you remember this, you may be able to feel a sense of compassion instead of getting upset. To avoid conceit, it is also useful to remember that most of us, probably all of us – are deluded in some respect or other. Again, the right response is compassion towards ourselves and others. My point is that although it is important to take a stand on what is right, it is equally important not to get carried away and forget basic AA principles. Let us be careful not to be swamped with negative emotions. If we're not, we lose the benefits of recovery in a much more profound sense.

Anyway I hope you are having lovely weekend. It is sunny and warm, albeit with raised radiation levels due to the continuing meltdown of the Japanese nuclear reactors being carried across Europe in the jet Stream. Oh well. That’s another story as they say.. :)

Avoiding relapse: Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do

Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do.
There are some really basic things that seem like common sense to me now, but didn't always seem like that. So if you're a new person, or you're fairly new to AA generally, or you're somebody who finds themselves relapsing constantly, these are some things which as far as I'm concerned are the most basic elements of the programme and I don't think I've actually ? seen anybody get and stay sober who hasn't done these things. Sometimes people get sober without doing these things, but they cannot STAY sober unless these habits have become a way of life basically. Many balk at these, thinking they are impractical or just not necessary. But to me they are absolutely !! fundamental aspects of the programme. Totally non-negotiable. As mandatory as it can possibly be. If you're planning on staying sober anyway.
If you're thinking of staying sober for six months or a year and then relapsing again then it won't matter if you do these or not, but if you seriously want to get sober and STAY sober then I don't think you stand much of a chance of staying sober unless these habits become a way of life. Here they are:

1. Service. Constant thought of others as opposed to being self obsessed.
2. Ask for help. You are as sick as your secrets so broadcast your dilemmas, and ask for help.
3. Higher power. Get a concept of one, then ask it for help.
4. Just for today card. Ie AA books of some sort. But JFT card will do.
5. Meetings. Go to them and try to take part in them. Go for coffee after. It’s the pub with no beer.
6. Last but not least - Pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink.

One. Do something for somebody else every day. (Ideally a newcomer.) Think of others. Help a newcomer. "Constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" basically. The big Book states very explicitly that 'Helping others is the foundation of your recovery', so make it the foundation of YOUR recovery.
The more self obsessed you are, the more !!! incredibly !!! painful your life becomes. It's excruciating. So save yourself the mental and emotional agony of a contracted and self-obsessed relationship with the world, and instead look at reality from a broader perspective. One that includes the welfare of others as well as your own. As many others as possible. The more you can help the better. (This is NOT an instruction to be a doormat btw, as doormats cause far more problems than they solve. Well that's what I find.) Develop what I call the 'Service mindset' and look upon all life situations as nothing more than an opportunity to be of help. Yes. Especially the really sucky life situations. 'Everything is teaching us' as Ajahn Chah used to say. Aim to best serve the needs of the MOMENT, as opposed to the person. This will make you egoless and selfless. Remember, think 'How can I best serve what appears to be the needs of this moment? Is there ? anything I can do here that might help the people or situation I find myself in?'. Kindness costs nothing. Ajahn Chah used to say "The nicest thing you can do for another person is to be calm and still'. I just look for ways in which I can be helpful to the person in front of me. Even if they look like a psychopath. Especially if they look like a psychopath. Thats been my experience. Either I wish them well or I think to see if there is a way that I can help them. Each situation is different. Btw this does not mean tolerate domestic violence, it means defend your life in order to survive and be useful to others. My experience is that I am in much less danger from hostile forces if I maintain a steady will to assist as many as I can, in whatever way I can, including the most unconscious and disturbing people. My desire to be of help is unconditional, meaning I really believe that the smelly aggressive drunks are no less deserving of my goodwill than the seemingly lily-white spiritual person. Love ought to be unconditional. I just do my lousy best in this regard.

Two. Talk to somebody else very honestly. Ask for help. Stop trying to do it all on your own. Stop being afraid of looking like you don't have all the answers. Take a risk and show your vulnerability. Confess your neuroses. Broadcast your neuroses. You are as sick as your secrets. Ideally you would have this conversation with somebody such as a sponsor, but this can also work if it is a spiritual friend, or somebody else who can be relied upon to tell the truth and be kind, as opposed to trying to dominate and control you, or get you to agree to their philosophy, whatever it happens to be.

Three. Ask a power greater than yourself for help. What would be perfect would be as if you had a very honest conversation with a power greater than you. Make a cup of tea sit down and have a chat. It has to be a loving power greater than you. If it is judgemental then it's no good. If you don't have time for a conversation then reserve it to simply asking for a sober day in the morning and saying thank you at night. By the way if you can't sleep just lie in bed and have a chat to your higher power.

What is a higher power? Well firstly it is loving not judgemental. Secondly it is just something slightly more powerful than you. The world is full of examples of powers greater than you. Somebody said if you can't think of a power greater than new, jump in the air and see how long you can stay there". It can be the power that makes the earth turn, it can be the power of AA as a whole, it can be the collective wisdom and experience of AA members, it can be the collective wisdom available throughout the world, it can be the combined wisdom and experience of a group of people in a meeting relative to your own singular perspective of life. Personally, I find I can learn something from almost anyone. I feel a bit like a magpie, looking for little nuggets of wisdom with whomever I happened to meet. But ultimately I also know, that it's easier for other people to view my behaviour objectively, than it is for me to view my own behaviour because it's always easier to see things in other people than it is to see it in oneself. So I find there are ample examples of areas of wisdom and expertise far beyond my individual capacity wherever I look. I see collective wisdom greater than mine in meetings and in the objective responses reflected back to me from other people every day. So that's why we say that 'God' can mean group of drunks.

The main thing is to understand that our perspective is limited, and that there are vast resources of wisdom and experience beyond our individual perception, and that therefore we would be very wise to make use of those resources, instead of relying entirely upon our own limited pool of information.

If tomorrow you were to decide to become a plumber, and you have two choices, you could either try and figure out how to create plumbing entirely from your own head, or alternatively you could attend a college with Master craftsman plumbers and observe how they have constructed plumbing in the past, which would you choose? Personally I would choose to observe the master craftsman in order to learn this new skill. In selecting people I feel can shed some light on the path I am trying to embark upon, I am in effect identifying a power greater than myself in respect of plumbing, and I am accessing the resource, and asking for help from it.
A higher power works exactly the same way. The only difference is that the College of Master craftsman plumbers, is a physical obvious object that I can see, whereas the power greater than myself which might be the power of AA as a whole, is something I cannot see as tangibly as the College of plumbers. But in order to make use of my higher power I am required to dialogue with it and ask it to for help even though it doesn't appear like a solid object in the same way a plumbing college would. So that's the difference. I ask it for help and I say thank you at night, and I can converse with it particularly in regard to things that I am having difficulty with or do not understand, or feel I need help with. Well that's how I understand how using a higher power works. You are entirely free to choose which ever concept makes sense to you. The only requirement is that it is a power greater than you, and that it is a loving higher power. I find the simpler you keep this the better.

And I have not found it necessary for people to choose a religious concept of a higher power. You can remain atheist for as long as you want and this will not cause you any problems whatsoever in staying sober. In the beginning my concept of a loving power greater than me was blurry and vague and confusing, so the first thing I asked for was "please would you grant me the most loving and most powerful concept of a power greater than me, that I can have". I think I asked this for about a week and very soon after I felt as though I did have a much clearer and accessible concept of a loving power greater than me. And this made progress in recovery a lot easier. The book tells us that it is all right to ask for oneself, if the things you ask for assist your recovery. I felt there was no problem in asking for a clearer concept of a power greater than me because it would assist my recovery. I didn't like asking for this concept because I was very defiant and very resistant. As far as I remember I asked this through gritted teeth. So don't concern yourself if you feel like you are full of defiance and anger and resistance, because I have found that not to be a problem. Once you have a concept of a power greater than yourself you can then ask that power greater than yourself for help with your defiance and help with your resistance.

Four. Try to do something off the just for today card. It doesn't have to be the most difficult thing, it can be any thing you want. If you're going through a difficult time, carry the just for today card with you in your back pocket, and when you get stuck or overwhelmed about something, try to do one of those things on the just for today card, and it can be the easiest thing on card.

Five. Go to AA meetings, and try to be helpful when you get there. Don't isolate in the meeting, do service, talk to people, talk to newcomers. Be part of the meeting. Do not just show up and disappear at the end without talking to people. This is a recipe for disaster. It is a pub with no beer. It's a free social and community resource, and you would be very foolish to pass up the opportunity to be part of it. The alternative is social isolation. If you attend meetings you will automatically come into contact with a vast range of amenable and accessible friendly people. Yes of course some of them are slightly unhinged, but the trick is to gravitate toward the people who you feel you have something in common with, or who you feel are mutually supportive and constructive and positive. There is no hard and fast rules but generally it would be considered unwise to gravitate toward people who act unpredictably and irrationally, and it would be considered helpful to gravitate towards people that make you feel better after you have spoken to them. Obviously men stick with men and women stick with women to avoid thirteen stepping.

Btw I've seen people stay sober who didn't go to meetings but had access to a very real network of AA friends so basically had the benefits of a meeting without having access t one. ie were helping newcomers and talking regularly to others and confiding in them, despite being away from physical meetings. You can help newcomers online nowadays by saying nice things to them on their blogs. The blogsphere has opened up a whole network of fellowship and service. I knew someone (before the days of internet) who lived on an Island with no meetings but stayed sober by setting up their own meeting and trying to help local alcoholics. So if there are no meetings near you this need not be the end of the world. What matters is whether you are helping newcomers and confiding honestly in others.

Six. Last but not least, pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink. This is the case whether you are one-week sober, one-year sober, 10 years sober, or 20 years sober. It doesn't matter. The rule stays the same. If for any reason you think you might want to pick up a drink, you need to pick up the phone first and talk to someone about it. You need to be completely honest about what's going on in your head. Tell the truth basically instead of trying to struggle through life on your own. Once there is a real danger that you might drink, then all bets are off and you need to get the phone ASAP. Nothing takes greater precedence than this instruction. Even if you are in the middle of a marriage ceremony you need to leave the room, find the nearest phone, and call someone in AA. This is not negotiable. You pick up the phone no matter what. This is what is called going to any lengths. If you are on holiday you pick up the phone, if you are in the middle of an important board meeting you leave and you pick up the phone. If you are in the middle of explaining some complex technical theory to a conference, you excuse yourself for five minutes and you pick up the phone. No exceptions. If you are in the middle of planning a strategic military attack on a bunker, you excuse yourself from the control room and you pick up the phone. First things first. If you relapse then the problem you are dealing with will deteriorate rapidly due to your inability to manage it because you are drinking. So if you care about the life situation you are dealing with, you will have no choice but to leave it and pick up the phone. Alcoholics cannot stay sober on their own. The days of soldiering on through life alone and "independent" are over. You need people whether you like it or not, and you need to start being honest with them about how you're REALLY feeling. Not how you would like them to THINK you are feeling. This can be very ego puncturing, but it's actually a nice thing to do. It only takes five minutes to pick up the phone and speak to somebody in AA so it's no great loss. It's five minutes of your life for God sakes so it's no big deal. So pick up the phone.

* I used dictation software so there might be some ? funny words here I havent spotted yet. I'll fix them eventually ! Its alovely day here so great for a run in the park.. Have a great Tuesday :)

Emanate goodwill instead of emanating ill will

I always think motive is far more important than the words themselves. I feel my way rather than thinking my way. If when I look inside I can see condemning, presupposed judgements or accusatory tendencies, I know through previous experience that I am starting on the wrong foot, and that I should withdraw from expressing myself at that time until I feel as though I am coming from a more neutral place.
Basically if my attitude is negative I am not likely to have much success. I will probably wind them up. The only way I know how to speak in a way which doesn't cause more problems is to be genuinely goodhearted. I don't always start out that way but that doesn't matter. In other words it's not what comes into your head that matters, it's what you do with it that counts. So a lily-white psyche is not required to say the right thing. All that's really needed is a desire to do the right thing no matter what your head or emotions tell you.
I try as hard as I can to give other people the benefit of the doubt, especially when I have become convinced that they are a bit rubbish or irritating. If I am having a particularly negative perception of them, then chances are I have completely lost all objectivity and I am just stewing on some deluded resentment or other. I suppose what I'm saying is that if there is some unconscious reactivity bubbling around under the surface, that very little can be achieved by windowdressing, i.e. faking pleasantries when there is some internal tension going on. My experience is that it's much better to confront the negative attitude head on and make a sincere effort to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. This is much easier if you have learned that your head very rarely tells you the truth, and emotions lie. I have reached a point where I don't trust my thoughts or my feelings, so this makes being open-minded in such situations much easier.
By the way this doesn't mean that I deliberately hang around in abusive conversations, it just means that when I sense negativity internally, I would rather address my judgement and accusatory tendencies than try to be pleasant through gritted teeth and fail miserably. I'm also surprised at how quickly one can genuinely alter one's internal landscape if you're used to questioning your thoughts and feelings instead of accepting them on face value. Many years of practising restraint of tongue and pen mean that I'm able to keep my mouth shut, and make a conscious effort to become open-minded about that person, instead of deciding in advance that they must be irritating or wrong in some way before I clarify the issue that I am concerned about.
I just thought I'd mention that because it came up in conversation recently.

I suppose what I'm saying is that your private thoughts and emotions about other people aren't really as private as you think. People actually know you much better than you realise. If you have a negative attitude towards them, even if you don't say anything explicit or express to that effect, they will know on some level. If you get used to the idea that everybody can see through you then there is a much stronger motivation to clean up your internal, privately held attitudes and beliefs about people places and things. I am much more motivated to be pure hearted towards other people because I know how easy it is to see through people, and I also know that people react extremely badly to negative attitudes when they are slightly disturbed to begin with. So it makes sense to clean up one's internal environment, rather than paper over the cracks with phoney pleasantries that actually don't fool anyone.

In AA we call this having a good bullshit detector, but really on some level children, pets, your co-workers and everyone really are able to pick up on your negative attitude and will react accordingly because most people are highly reactive. So you save yourself a lot of grief if you make a real effort to come from a goodhearted place, (despite habitual negativity) and emanate goodwill towards them instead of emanating ill-will towards them.

Anyway it's a rather uninspired grey lifeless and rather cold day over here. I'm going to have some tea and get to the gym and that might get the blood circulating. I hope your Tuesday is a little bit more interesting than this one is looking so far :)

Dependence or Attachment? The Solution is to 'Kiss the joy as it flies'

I'm glad that I can take refuge in something other than 'people places and things' ie "Joy at last to know there's no happiness in the world" (often quoted by Ajahn Chah)..meaning thank god I no longer have to waste valuable time, mental and emotional energy looking for refuge/security/certainty in that which is inherently insecure and therefore uncertain because it is subject to change. what a relief! Its all shifting sand so utterly pointless hanging onto it or expecting it to be permanent when it isn't. Deep joy to know the limits of what people places and things can offer. I can 'kiss the joy as it flies' but thats about it. I don't look for refuge in the shifting sands and that makes my life whole lot easier. Bill nailed it when he spoke of 'faulty dependence' on people places and things. He was really repeating another Bill :) (William Blake) who says

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sun rise.

Have a lovely weekend :)

Converting straw to gold. Converting suffering to liberation..

Here’s some summary notes I made on the chapter 6 of a book about how to develop happiness in the previous post. I’ve added Big Book quotes when they seemed to be saying the same thing. I only made these notes to help me remember it later. :) because I forget !! everything otherwise. So feel free to ignore it if you feel like it..

Reasons why it’s a good idea to work towards reducing ones own suffering.
1. If we let ourselves be overwhelmed by our personal problems, no matter how tragic, we only increase our difficulties and become a burden on those around us.
a. We think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we bust into merriment over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn’t we laugh? We have recovered, and have been given the power to help others. P132. Big book.
2. It is essential to acquire a certain inner sense of well-being so that without in any way blunting our sensitivities, our love, and our altruism, we are able to connect with the depths of our being.
3. "If there is a cure, what good is discontent? If there is no cure, what good is discontent?

Conclusions about suffering.
1. Suffering will always exist as a universal phenomenon, but every individual has the potential for liberation from it.
2. Suffering is not inevitable because unhappiness has causes that can be identified and acted upon. Unhappiness is itself subject to change and can be transformed. There is neither primordial nor eternal suffering. We all have the ability to study the causes of suffering and gradually to free ourselves from them.
a. We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. But it is clear that we made our own misery. God didn’t do it. Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence. P133. Big Book.
3. Peace of mind does not come simply because we want it to. You have to take action and work towards it. It's not the magnitude of the task that matters; it's the magnitude of our courage.
a. Faith withot works is dead. P76. Big Book. Do not be discouraged. P70. Rome wasn’t built in a day. It’s a cinch an inch but it’s hard by the yard.

Common misperceptions about unhappiness.
1. Unhappiness is inevitable because it is the result of divine will or other immutable principle ie forever out of our control.
2. Unhappiness has no identifiable cause, is random and has no relation to us personally.
3. Confused fatalism thinking that whatever the cause of suffering, the effect will always be the same. Ie ‘Whats the point’.

Distinguish between ephemeral discomforts and unhappiness.
1. Ephemeral discomforts:
a. Depends on external circumstances.
2. Unhappiness
a. A profound state of dissatisfaction enduring even in favorable external conditions.
i. Restless irritable and discontent. The Doctor’s opinion.

Distinguish between 2 types of suffering: Physiological pain and the mental and emotional suffering it unleashes.
1. Physiological pain.
a. Mental imagery has proven to be the most effective in alleviating pain. eg a Beautiful landscape. Slide show. or a repetitive exercise .
b. Within a month of guided practice of mental imaging, 21% of patients claim a notable improvement in their chronic migraines, as opposed to 7% of control group that did not undergo training

2. Mental and emotional suffering.
a. Emotional reactions to pain vary, but if we allow anxiety to overwhelm our mind, the most benign pain will soon become unbearable.
b. Assessment of pain also depends on our mind. It is the mind that reacts to pain with fear, rejection, despondency, or a feeling of powerlessness; instead of being subjected to a single agony, we accumulate a host of them.
c. Selfless sadness need not amount to mental and emotional suffering because you can suffer physically or mentally - by feeling sad, for instance - without losing sense of fulfillment founded on inner peace and selflessness.

Magic magnifying mind p420 Big Book Acceptance was the answer: The more we think of the problem, the bigger the problem gets. The more you think of the solution, the bigger the solution gets. http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/bigbook/pdf/theystoppedintime16.pdf
‘If our mind becomes accustomed to dwelling solely on the pain that events or people inflict on it, one day the most trivial incident will cause it infinite sorrow. As the intensity of this feeling grows with practice, everything that happens to us will eventually come to distress us, and peace will find no place within us. All manifestations will assume a hostile character and we will rebel bitterly against our fate, to the point of doubting the very meaning of life.’

Being happy doesn’t mean you stop caring or feeling.
1. You can be happy despite trauma and tragedy because someone can feel unconditional love for those who suffer and do everything in their power to attenuate their pain without allowing their lucid vision of existence to be shaken.
2. A storm may be raging at the surface, but the depths remain calm. ‘The wise man always remains connected to the depths.’
3. You can be available to others without giving in to despair when the natural episodes of life and death follow their course. It is a design for living that works in rough going. P15. big book.
4. Recovery from unhappiness is managed not cured because just because you are not defeated doesn’t mean events do not affect you or that you have overcome these obstacles forever; it only means that they no longer block your progress toward inner freedom.

The role of self-centeredness in suffering and pain.
1. "selfcenteredness" is the source of most of our disruptive thoughts. From obsessive desire to hatred, not to mention jealousy, it attracts pain the way a magnet attracts iron filings. Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. P62. Big Book.
2. Death/loss of a loved one. Self centered/self obsessed attachment is what causes painful obsession with the other. Remaining painfully obsessed with a situation or the memory of a departed loved one, to the point of being paralyzed by grief for months or years on end, is evidence not of affection, but of an attachment that does no good to others or to oneself.
3. Self-centeredness is the root cause of ‘invisible suffering’.

What is ‘invisible suffering’?
1. Visible suffering. Easy to spot..
2. Hidden suffering. concealed beneath the appearance of pleasure, freedom from care, fun.
a. Eating a fine dish and later getting food poisoning.
b. It remains hidden to those taken in by the illusion of appearances and cling to the belief that people and things last, untouched by the change that affects everything. Ie ‘This too shall pass’.
3. Invisible suffering.
a. The suffering that underlies the most ordinary activities.
b. Eg the inhumane battery farming ‘hidden’ in a boiled egg.
c. Is the hardest to distinguish.
d. Stems from blindness, ignorance, selfishness, selfcenteredness.

Page 84 has examples of freedom from suffering despite great adversity including stories about Guy Comeau (Peace despite great physical suffering) and Tenzin Choedrak (peace despite prisoner of war and torture survivor).
2 Proposed solutions to suffering offered are Mental imaging, where you try to imagine situations that are a source of peace on p74 and secondly a Compassion practice which is like Step 12. As in Service and 'Constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs' big Book which is on page 78 of his book. Although I find helping a newcomer works much the same way. :)

Anyway, I was interested with the similarities between this approach and AA so I just thought I would share that :) Hope you are all having a lovely wednesday :)

The part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything

“I often notice that when people get up from the table on the patio, they don’t push their chair back in. They have no commitment to that chair. They feel, “The chair isn’t important, I have to get into the zendo and hear about the truth.” But the truth is the chair. It’s where we are right now. When we leave the door open, it’s that part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything, so we run out the door. We’re looking for the truth instead of being the unease and distress of where we are right now.”
Joko Beck. Everyday Zen.

Every moment of our life is relationship. There is nothing except relationship.
Joko Beck. Everyday Zen.

My thoughts..
‘The part of us that does not want to be in relationship to anything.’
Frantically and unthinkingly looking for the next thing instead of being with ‘the unease and distress of where we are right now’.

Eg: acting in an inconsiderate way with people on the tube in order to get to the meeting on time. There’s a contradiction there :)
What does that action tell us about how we REALLY feel toward our feelings? It says ‘I don’t really care’. ‘I’m just going to carry on regardless’ I do not care enough to stop and attend to this discomfort. How uncaring. How callous. How insensitive. We scurry on regardless out of habit, fear and heedlessness. Like a hamster in a wheel. All fear and scurrying. We need to STOP, and notice what is happening. Like a glass of muddy water, if you stop just a little you start to notice these things when the water gets clear. The silly blurry heedlessness becomes easier you notice, and we can see the ‘unease and distress of where we are right now.’ This is what AA calls ‘Restless irritable and discontent.’ This is what we need to notice.

Sorry for prolonged absence. I am reading TONS of stuff. so am rethinking lots of stuff :)
Happiness: A Guide to Developing Life's Most Important Skil
Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?: Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life's Difficulties
Mindfulness Bliss and Beyond: A Meditator's Handbook
Everyday Zen: Love and Work

Hope you are having a LOVELY Saturday :)

Heard in a meeting

'I want to do life 'neat', not dilute it with alcohol'.

I heard this and liked it, so I just thought I would share that.
It's a brilliant autumnal day over here. Have a lovely wednesday :)

What (free) stuff I'm listening to. Amongst other things.. Adyashanti

I love this !!!!! sooo much at the moment. Can't !! stop listening to it on my ipod. :)
The free basic teaching talks are ! excellent. But yes, I have bought some mp3's as well. Can't get enough of this at the moment. Love it to bits. I wonder what thing will be next?
Anyway I thought I would just include a reference to the free basic talks, as they pretty much cover 98% of the teaching anyway. Thats it.
I'm not going to go on about it as this one involves having to part with cash. Which I don't want to encourage people to do really. i prefer to mention free stuff only. I spend money on technology and esoteric stuff, so thats my weakness. My curiosity gets the better of me. Normally I lend people my CD's so that they can listen to the mp3's, but thats harder to do when we are not meeting each other in the AA meeting down the road, (!) but if you email me I'll see what I can do.
Hope you had a nice weekend :)
Full moon tonight!! Awesome :) I LOVE the full moon..

Here are links to the free talks on the basic teachings..? if you are interested. if not. Thats fine too :)
The Basic Teachings ~ Part 1....Principles of the Teaching
http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=video
The Basic Teachings ~ Part 2 ...Application of the Teaching
http://www.adyashanti.org/cafedharma/index.php?file=video

3 free episodes of The Big Silence on BBC iplayer till the 12th of November

This was recommended to me and I think it is really good.

Update* The episodes have since been added to youtube so if you missed them on BBC iplayer, you can see them on youtube instead. They are on http://www.worthabbey.net/bbc/links-youtubeBS.htm

It is called The Big Silence and was broadcast on BBC2.
There are 7 days remaining to watch the 2 episodes for free on BBC iplayer online. There are two episodes of one hour each. The Retreat Centre used in this programme is St Beuno's in North Wales and has some of the most breathtaking scenery I have seen in avery long time. Stunningly beautiful. Here is a link for the place they attended if you think you might be interested in doing a retreat there. I must admit i was impressed with the Jesuits who acted as guides for retreat participants. They were very, very kind and gentle in my estimation. From what I saw in this programme. Here is a link for the retreat schedule in St Beuno's. For all I know it might be expensive. I have no idea. Monasteries offer retreats that are free or very affordable so do not despair if you have limited funds and would like to go on a retreat :)

Here is the link for the TV programme. http://www.bbc.co.uk/i/vjcp5/

I found it very moving. Excellent program. I loved the skillful insight into how to access the healing power of silence, and the transformation of the volunteers over 8 days. The volunteers were courageous and honest, very imperfect, yet they all underwent a deep transformation. They were humbled by the experience of witnessing their restlessness and conflicts when left with no distractions to 'escape' from their loneliness, boredom, and restlessness.

There are some very nice Christian monastics on here. Plus some very lovely non-monastic Jesuits (ie like you and me because we do not live in monasteries) who have managed to develop a valuable meditation practice despite work and home obligations. If you have never been to a retreat before this will give you an idea of the gentle-hearted people you are lucky enough to meet if you do. It is also an indication that it is not the ? type of path chosen that is important (as ? far as I know) meaning buddhist, christian, jesuit etc, but how much you are committed to the path you have chosen. Basically all people who sincerely and earnestly seek to grow along spiritual lines, and are committed to unconditional truth and love turn into wonderful human beings as a result of their devotional practice. Well thats what I think. 'Badges' such as Buddhist, Hindu, Christian, Muslim, Jesuit etc are less important than the willingness to go to any lengths to realize your best self.

Heres the blurb from the BBC iplayer website..
Abbot Christopher Jamison, a Benedictine monk, believes that he can teach five ordinary people the value of silent meditation, as practised by monks in monasteries, so they can make it part of their everyday lives. He sets up a three-month experiment to test out whether the ancient Chrisitan tradition of silence can become part of modern lives.
In this episode, Christopher brings the five volunteers to his own monastery, Worth Abbey, before sending them to begin a daunting eight days in complete silence at a specialist retreat centre.

Have a lovely weekend, ..and of course I hope life is treating you well :)

observational comedy on Spiritual Pride

AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

This video does not seem to want to upload properly. Oh well You will just have to click on the link instead. It is from the Onion.
I am not endorsing the end result of this comedy sketch, but I LOVE its very accurate portrayal of taking oneself far !!! too seriously and the trap of Spiritual Pride, where you can end up feeling smug, self satisfied or slightly (!) superior to drinkers or other AA's with less recovery. Or anyone really..
When the first 100 members said 'We absolutely insist on enjoying life' they had a point. :)
Anyway, I could not resist sharing this as I thought was very funny and exposes the trap we can all fall into of thinking that we are more 'worthy' or ? something compared to other people because we have had a spiritual awakening.. Meaning we use the process of recovery as an 'ego-feeding-proposition' in itself. Reinforcing narcissism, self importance, self obsession and self centredness. My experience has taught me that much of what AA brings about is a series of very ego puncturing admissions, one after ! another. When however I feel as though I am moving toward an ego massaging proposition, I instinctively feel I am moving away from recovery. I simply do not trust that movement. I prefer ego puncturing. This allows me the freedom not to be serious all the time, or be 'earnest' like I mentioned in the previous post.
Anyway.. Have a great (sanctimonious-free, smug-free and pious-free) Thursday :)

Earnest? No. It's much ! healthier to be harmlessly mischevious

Heard in meetings: 'Sober not Somber'
'If you are happy would you please inform your face'
Big Book:
We are not a glum lot p132
Those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. p132
We absolutely insist on enjoying life. p132
We cannot subscribe to the belief that his life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us. p133

I like it when people in AA are having FUN, wherever ? they are, but not at other peoples expense as that would constitute 'harmful speech'. Or in a socially embarrassing or inappropriate way. Social skills are a !! huge asset, without them its so easy to rub people up the wrong way without realizing..

I saw someone who was clearly quite 'into' the AA programme recently in a very uneventful phase of their recovery, but to me they ? just looked like they were having no ! fun. Very dreary. So ! serious! Bleh. All I know is that I would find it unbearable to endure an overly serious sobriety indefinitely. It looks too much like sufferance. If I go to a meeting which is attended by fairly serious looking people, I'm almost certain that they must think I am some sort of ? lightweight because I look like I'm just having a bit of a laugh. The more serious they are the more I want to have a laugh. But if I attend a meeting full of high-pitched shrieky nervous laughter I am equally uncomfortable and would prefer a more relaxed calm response.

But I was at a meeting full of slightly more serious faces recently and it crossed my mind how important it is to have fun, because it's very hard to stay sober if recovery is terribly serious. if I meet someone who looks a little too earnest or serious, or is simply trying too hard, I try to tell them how important it is to lighten up and wear life like a loose garment. it's the only way that long-term sobriety is bearable. It gets too heavy otherwise. Besides having fun is not an opportunity to be missed. It costs nothing :)
But occasionally I attend meetings full of young people trying desperately to look “interesting” by sounding witty or clever, and those meetings also grate after a while. “You impress me when you stop trying to impress me” is something an old timer at my home group used to say.

My home group 20 years ago was full of people having a laugh, so that's what I became used to. Now when I see a room full of serious faces I cannot really relate to them very much. I understand that this is a common feature of the first 5 years of recovery, and I am sure that when I was less than 5 years I was equally unduly earnest, but I try to encourage sponsees to lighten up as soon as possible rather than wait 5 years to do so like I did. I think 5 years is a common benchmark for the time it takes a reasonably disturbed person to loosen their feverish grip on the program and start to relax a little, by doing less AA activities without fear of drinking again.

So generally speaking I would say that being a bit too serious is not at all good for long-term sobriety, and that if you are a little bit humourless, or serious and preoccupied a lot of the time, that this could quite reasonably have devastating effects on your sobriety long-term.
Trying too hard to be a “good” AA member is equally disastrous because it is not sustainable. Nobody can maintain a earnest disposition, because at some point we all ! look foolish for some reason or other, so the 'earnest' mask will crack. It gets unbearably dull and repressive. There is no fun in it.

So forget the “too good” ideology. Stop trying to convince everybody that you are serious about your program by trying desperately to look serious and earnest, or speak in a terribly serious way in meetings. You stand a much better chance staying sober indefinitely if you really learn how to wear your life like a loose garment and stop taking yourself so seriously. Get over yourself! Try to cultivate harmless mischievousness instead. And if your face looks miserable then you are not there yet :) There should be a glint in the eye. A wry smile. No sufferance. Not a sad “Oh well never mind” smile. A jolly smile. A Santa Claus smile. The best example I can give you as to what I mean when I say this is the example provided by TNH. He discusses very serious and far-reaching topics but he is not miserable looking. Here is a link to recent video so you can see what I mean. http://vimeo.com/14221955

I was saying to another AA member recently how much I appreciated learning how to have huge amounts of fun doing incredibly mundane things. We had stopped to buy something trivial after a meeting in a very ordinary supermarket and ended up having a really pleasant and funny exchange with the cashier. It was a lot of fun, and this isn't the sort of place where people normally ! expect to have much fun. So after we left I was saying to the other AA how lucky we are to be able to have fun in such mundane circumstances. Perhaps this example gives you a better idea of what I mean about developing one's capacity to have fun every day. It's very important. I can't emphasize this enough. I can honestly say that you put your sobriety at grave risk (long term) if you do not learn how to have fun and enjoy your day ? whatever you happen to be doing. Being generally humourless, earnest or taking yourself far too seriously is a recipe for disaster. Even if it doesn't drive you to drink, it will make your sobriety utterly grim, and who wants that?

Anyway, I'd better go so hope you have a lovely weekend :)

Codependency: Brainwashing myself with Byron Katie on repeat play

Im not sure what exactly ? codependency is, but if any of you see a great weakness in (what you think is) this area, which I would say is just about ! every alcoholic I meet :) .then I would strongly recommend this CD by Byron Katie. Its not the answer to everything, but its a damm fine start :)
You could do a lot worse, put it that way. Anyway I hate (!) to deflect newcomers from the meat and potatoes of the first 9 steps, so I include this as a post step 9 'side salad'. Meaning something that has the potential to enhance ones recovery once the (much !!!!! more important task of stopping oneself drinking oneself to death has been addressed. (!) So yeah, Im not holding this out as a substitute for the steps. No way :)

Basically I am learning a lot from listening to Katie Byron at the moment. It is taking a while to really sink in. But after many many ! many repeat plays, it is starting to seep into my bones. It is essentially a master-class in Acceptance with respect to our relations with others (among other things). and life in all its forms. I love learning new ways of practicing the principles in all my affairs, so this is my current focus. Will be something else in 6-12 months! I learn better by listening than by reading as it catches me off guard, so sneaks into my brain when I am not looking. You might prefer books. I LOVE hearing the voice. It brings the ? teaching home. Or ? something. Gawd knows. Works for me. Thats all I know :)

So, I thoroughly recommend brainwashing yourself by repeat play on loop on your ipod of 'I Need Your Love - Is That True?' audiobook by Byron Katie if you are struggling to accept life on lifes terms with relationship issues. Family, friends, significant others, you name it :) Its the same as AA (well thats how i see it) so ought not contradict any of the principles we are introduced to in AA. But if in doubt, ask another AA or your Sponsor as I would hate to confuse you. I usually recommend this material to people after the first 9 steps, as by then they understand the AA principles with sufficient clarity to be able to dovetail material like this seamlessly with their existing AA programme. If for some reason they are unclear as to what acceptance means in day to day practice (for instance) this might confuse them and look like something ? completely different to what AA advocates, which (in my opinion) would be counterproductive to their recovery. But then I prefer to err on the side of caution. If I were very confident that the Sponsee was able to grasp the 'similarities not the differences' between AA and Byron Katie I would make an exception, so this is not a blanket rule by any stretch. More a case by case basis. I see only similarities between the material on this CD and what AA suggests, so it presents no conflict for me. But there you go, each to their own. Just thought I would mention it in case anyone was interested.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Need-Your-Love-Approval-Appreciation/dp/0739316990/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1285256587&sr=1-2

Have a great Thursday :)

Go see the (free) Heart Shrine Relic Tour if you get the chance..

Relics are things that ? show up in the cremated remains of teachers from the Buddhist tradition. They are handed down to entrusted people who have donated some for a 500 ft bronze statue in India which is built to last 1000 years, where they will be housed to benefit others.
Its a rare sacred treat to be able to see them, (if you like that kind of thing) ..so ? if you are in London for the next three days, you can see the Heart Shrine Relic Tour at the Jamyang Buddhist Centre,The Old Courthouse, 43 Renfrew Road, London SE11 4NA tel: +44 (0) 20 7820 8787 fax: +44 (0) 20 7820 8605 email:admin@jamyang.co.uk

And f you live in the states, (or anywhere across the world really) the Heart Shrine Relic Tour will travel across the US, so check the Tour calender to see if it is passing near you :)

And regardless of all that :) Have a ! fabulous weekend :) Weather is soo nice today. Crisp and dazzlingly sunny. Gorgeous.

Nothing insures immunity from drinking as much as intensive work with other alcoholics p89

Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. p89 Big Book. Chapter 7 Working with others.
They knew they must help other alcoholics if they would remain sober. p159 Big Book.
Particularly it was it imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead, he said. p14 Big Book.
Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. p20 Big Book.
If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead. p15 Big Book.
Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery." p97 Big Book
A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be." p97 Big Book.
To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive action. p93 Big Book
Happy in their release, and constantly thinking how they might present their discovery to some newcomer" p158 Big Book

But what does AA mean by 'intensive work' with other alcoholics? Presumably the work involved in carrying the message of how precisely to recover (pxXIII) to the alcoholic who still suffers.
Also, the conditions under which this 'intensive work' take place most effectively are defined very explicitly on page 18;
these are the conditions we have found most effective.
he obviously knows what he is talking about;
his whole deportment shouts at the new prospect that he is a man with a real answer;
no attitude of Holier Than Thou;
nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful;
no fees to pay;
no axes to grind;
no people to please and;
no lectures to be endured.

So basically, the experience of the first hundred members would seem to be that nothing insures immunity from drinking as much as 'intensive work' with other alcoholics (p89 Big Book) and this 'intensive work' is performed most effectively under the 8 conditions listed on page 18. Easy!

It is very easy to complicate the process of recovery, and make very ? complicated analyses of why certain people relapse and why certain people don't relapse.
Rather than get sidetracked by the debating society line of thinking, I prefer to stick to what I have observed first hand keeps people sober in meetings. All I know, is that I have yet to meet an alcoholic who consistently (!) makes helping newcomers their priority who has relapsed. Thats what attracted me to it in the first place. Yes I know some members 'two-step' (meaning they practice only step one and 12, and skip the rest inbetween) but I mean in conjunction with completing the first 9 steps. I just haven't met them. All the people I meet who consistently focus on, and assist newcomers insofar as helping them stay sober using the programme, ..all stay sober. (as opposed to consistently using AA as a social club, or a place to find a husband, friends or a job or ? whatever..)
Its probably the most consistent thing I've done in AA. The other stuff was presented to me by old timers as a sort of 'side salad'. Optional in the sense that I didn't need to do it straight away or every day, whereas helping others was presented to me as mandatory daily fare right from the beginning. I started when I was very very new. Less than ? 3 months. Its helped me !!!!! tremendously so I always mention it to people who are concerned that they might drink, or are having thoughts about drinking. or for whom drinking still seems appealing. I almost feel guilty saying it, but I literally never think about drinking. But then I help newcomers a LOT. Always have. and I am sure that is why. I really enjoy it now, but I wouldn't say it is ever easy. Its a very demanding workout, but feels great once you get into the swing of it.
I'm not saying it's easy, all I'm saying it's extraordinarily rewarding when you throw yourself into it unconditionally. Plus you don't have to worry about drinking. Well that's what I find.

So, next time you meet somebody who has relapsed, (at ? some point) ask them how many AA newcomers they spoke to, or tried to help in the 7 days preceding their relapse. Two weeks beforehand?
Or how often they helped newcomers before they relapsed. Once a week? Once a month? Every day?
Or ask them which step they were working at the time of their relapse.
If you have no attitude of holier than thou, and have nothing whatever except a sincere desire to be helpful, (page 18) then you can ask these questions without fear of harming the other person. Well thats what I find.

Anyway just thought I would mention that, as I have always been very interested in the conditions preceding a relapse. And the conditions that make people feel very free, and unburdened. Not because I have an interest in the matter per se, but because I have a desire to be helpful, and being informed as to what leads to relapse allows me to be more effective in helping others.
Informed decisions are better than uninformed decisions in my experience. So I try to understand the conditions as best I can, knowing that I may never really understand it, but there's no harm in trying to make sense of it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this :) and I hope you have a !!! fabulous weekend :)

It feels like time for a laugh :) so here's some Fascinating Aida

It feel like it's time for a laugh :) so here's some Fascinating Aida :) This song is called cheap flights. (They use the word 'fek' just so you know). For US readers, the blonde has a brilliantly accurate rendition of a Southern Irish accent. I rarely find such convincing accents on TV or radio.
They have another funny track called dogging which is ! hilarious. for some reason I only discovered fascinating aida in the last week or so, which is unusual as I used to go to a lot of comedy clubs, so I'm surprised their name never came up.
Also the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britan does a great version of 'Shaft' which I only discovered a ? year or so ago.

So yes, a little light relief is always a good idea. I also really like the Sassy Gay Friend, but NOS gets the credit for pointing that one out to me :) I LOVE the sassy gay friend :) so thank you NOS for that top tip :)
Also Snatch Wars is very funny (but has lots of swearing) based on the character 'Brick Top' in Guy Ritchie's film Snatch. Very UK humor. May not appeal to the US visitors.

But seriously. I think having a laugh is very !! important and is part of the reason I spent a few years going to comedy clubs.
Because I think we all have a tendency to take ourselves far !! too seriously, comedy clubs can be very useful in teaching us how to lighten up. And also just providing us with something to chuckle about later on. I also like being (appropriately) irreverent in conversation as a way of making people laugh, but I'm sure that came from attending comedy clubs. People say they think I'm funny, (when I'm not on life and death AA conversational territory) and I am sure this has a lot to do with having spent years watching live acts. It becomes much easier to use humor in conversation when you have observed comedy acts developing their own styles for a couple of years. I love Harry hills TV Burp, but I don't know who the new talent is on the comedy scene nowadays. Youtube has changed everything, so loads of new material is on there.
Right well. I'd better go off and do some work. (!)
Have a great Thursday :)

Who is the least restless irritable and discontent?

I had this conversation recently with someone who was going through a difficult time and was finding it difficult to tolerate restless irritable and discontented people, because they were just too draining for her. Rather than say to her “stick with the winners” I said something along the lines of - “make it your business to identify and locate the people at work, family, and AA meetings who are the least restless irritable and discontent. Whoever ? those people turn out to be, those are the people that you ought to be affiliating yourself with during this difficult period. When things get back to normal and everything feels fine, then by all means strike up conversations with people you thoroughly dislike, or who have zero social skills or impulse control. But in the meantime put your recovery first. Put principles before personalities. Recovery comes first. Everything else comes 2nd. Friendships come 2nd. Family comes 2nd. Obligations come 2nd. Within reason. i.e. do not use this AA principal as an excuse to abandon basic common sense. (When in doubt, ask your sponsor or another alcoholic first.)

When I was new in recovery, I had a persistently fragile emotional condition that was easily affected by detrimental or negative influences, so I had no choice but to practice “principles before personalities” in order to have some composure and clarity. So out of necessity I had to learn this AA lesson very early on. I often met people who I thought I had something in common with, or whose sense of humour I liked better than others, but because I was so emotionally fragile I had to put those things to one side and focus instead on who seemed the most comfortable and happy in any given meeting.
Their age, social background, level of professionalism, likes and dislikes were just not important. What mattered was how comfortable they were in their own skin.
I knew at the time that what I was practicing was the notion of “sticking with the winners” but because so many people have difficulty with that expression, I’m explaining it a slightly different way here. People often misinterpret this slogan to mean that it infers that the person who is “sticking with the winners” is making a judgment about the people they are choosing not to affiliate themselves with.
That has not been my experience. What I found, and still find, is that when I choose to gravitate toward people who are the least restless irritable and discontent, this is often a very ego puncturing proposition, because it sidesteps my intellect and ideas about who I like or who I agree with, and instead focuses on the conduct of others. Actions speak much louder than words. Talk is cheap. AA is full of people who like to talk, but may not also like to do the next right thing, or simply haven't learned the importance of moral restraint. “Restraint of tongue and pen” and are therefore very heedless.
I can easily form attachments or friendships to people who are likable but at the same time have destructive or heedless behaviours, which cause rough edges one way and another when I'm in conversation with them. Their lack of moral restraint, or heedlessness, is a sort of loose cannon, which can go off at any time. Friendships with people like this are problematic if I spend much time with them or have quite a few conversations with them. I prefer to form friendships with people who understand how not to be heedless. People who have impulse control and are considerate in their speech and action. Ultimately I find that the people whose actions are the most considerate are the people who are also the least restless irritable and discontent. My experience reflects the experience in the big book insofar as the extent to which I am able to “think of other people's needs and how I can help meet them”, is the extent to which I am “freed from the bondage of self”, and are therefore able to understand the meaning of what it is to be “happy joyous and free”.
Basically I am free to the extent that I am not self obsessed.

So if you are going through a disturbed patch, and are wondering who can show your way out of the mental and emotional disturbance. Simply look around you in the meeting and attempt to identify the least restless irritable and discontent person. That is the person most qualified to teach you how to reduce your discomfort. (This rule does not apply if they are glazed over and doped up to the eyeballs with 101 prescribed mind altering drugs!). When I say the least restless irritable and discontent, I mean without the numbing effects of mind altering drugs. (!)

I look for people with a twinkle in their eye, and inner and outer steadiness.
Using this method has always worked for me. It has guided me to some of the most wonderful AA meetings, AA members and people outside AA, so I'm very grateful that AA taught me this lesson.
So I hope you find it useful if you didn't already know about this one :)
Have a lovely Monday, wherever you are :)

Wonderful old timers and dodgy old timers

Good morning. I woke up far too early, so I thought about posting something before I go out. I can't think of anything particularly useful to say at the moment. Perhaps I haven't had enough tea and coffee.

Someone else posted this video which is a clip from the film Amongst White Clouds and I liked it so much I thought I would post the you tube link and mention it here. It's right up my street! I love that kind of stuff. Also I found the whole film is viewable online on http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=5902279151658995270#

It's been a bit strange catching up a very tiny bit with some people in AA. Like returning to some dysfunctional family. I confess I am a little disappointed with a few members, but what do you expect? They are alcoholics after all, so one shouldn't be entirely surprised if they make some strange (!) life choices. I don't mean that in a bible-belt kind of way. I mean that in a quite deeply disturbing kind of way.

Well if it tells me anything, it confirms to me that step 11 is mandatory. And that (in my interpretation anyway) all hell breaks loose when members who have been sober a long time do not do step 11. I don't think I have actually met any longtime sober person who doesn't do step 11 who has 'got what I want'. Take heed, as they say. The next time I have free time to sponsor somebody, if I really want to achieve as much as I can in the shortest possible time, I will be looking to sponsor people who have what I call a predisposition towards step 11. But step 11 on its own is worthless as well. Step 11 is only really useful once you have cleaned house adequately using the first nine steps.

Perhaps I am very deluded, but I can honestly say that I'm extraordinarily grateful for the path I have been shown in recovery. There are not nearly enough AA members in my locality who have 'got what I want'. Of course I like them. I can't help liking alcoholics. But my favourite old-timer is still one of the only people that really makes sense to me. He is not around any more. But I am extraordinarily grateful for his example. You have no !!!! idea how lucky ! I was to be able to attend his home group for so many years. I have been !!! extraordinarily lucky in my recovery. I could not have asked for more spectacular AA members to learn from. And when I went on to practice step 11 in earnest by visiting very highly regarded Buddhist practitioners, I also stumbled across some spectacularly inspiring examples. The one I never met in person was Ajahn Chah. But I have been in the presence of his statue which contains some of his relics and it felt like I was in the same room as him. But then people like him are a kind of one-off. Very very unusual human beings in every respect. I tend to believe they are born that way, but who Knows. I'm in no position to tell because of my inability to understand these things.

I'd better get going otherwise I'll be late. But basically I owe my life to the kindness of people who, on the face of it knew me the least, but in reality knew me better than all the other people who I'd spent most of my lifetime with. What I mean it is not be number of conversations you have with somebody that determines how well they know you. It's got nothing to do with that. It's absolutely about their capacity to understand the human condition. If they have that in spades, then it's completely irrelevant how many conversations you have with them. Their capacity to understand is not dependent upon acquiring all the details of your history. They are amazing. I love Those people. Thank God they exist.

What I suppose I mean is that for some reason today I am very conscious of the wonderful human beings I have been lucky enough to learn from in AA and in my step 11 forays. Not only did I meet some amazing people, but I was lucky enough to be willing to learn from their example at the time, which is something I can't say the same about others who were there the time, who have gone down a different road entirely since then. I am completely baffled why some longtime sober people have chosen what I consider to be thoroughly compromised, empty and unsatisfying, and ultimately damaging lives. Who knows. I couldn't stand it myself. It would be unbearable, unless I had the ability to not care, or not feel anything.

It's none of my business, and I'll just have to leave it at that. Instead of focusing on people who haven't 'got what I want', I need to focus on creating the fellowship I crave, which means focusing on finding the people I think I can help the most and investing my mental energies in them, so that in years to come there will be nicer old-timers around than there are at present. Even the dodgiest old-timer has something good to offer if they go through the basics with a newcomer, but I'd like AA to be a better place than that. I have no idea whether or not it will make any difference but there's no harm in trying. That's all I can do.

Anyway, have a ! lovely Sunday. It's gorgeous over here :) Warm and lovely..

Never ceases to amaze me how great meetings are

I am so accustomed to being able to choose from hundreds of meetings within easy reach, that I completely forget sometimes how lucky I am. It’s not something that really makes sense to people unless they have actually been to meetings, but basically I have an extraordinary range of scope in terms of the type of people that I get to speak to on a daily basis. I can very easily completely forget that this is not normal for most people. I’ve been living like this for over 20 years or so, so I forget all the time that this is not the norm.
Anyway, I went to a meeting that I normally can’t get to because it clashes with something else but I have enjoyed going to in the past, and I was wildly impressed at what a great meeting it was. For me, AA is ‘the pub with no beer.’ It’s like a David Lynch movie sober. Reminds me of Twin Peaks. Some amazing characters.
I LOVE that nobody knows how great AA meetings are except the people that actually go. I like that it’s a unique subculture with a genuine democracy, accessibility, and authenticity unlike any other social sphere I have encountered. And remains completely free as well. Amazing in this day and age.

Perhaps it’s really different out there in the sticks? but I have a feeling it is ? might be pretty similar. I used to drink in fairly remote places compared to where I am now, and it didn’t seem to matter where I was, because I always ended up hanging out with pretty !! colourful people, no matter how conservative or parochial the neighborhood was. I think alcoholics must have an affinity for seeking out the nonconformists. Who knows. But all I know is that I am extraordinarily fortunate to have seemingly limitless access to fascinating people who feel like long-lost friends even when I’ve never met them before, at my fingertips, any day of the week should I feel like dipping my toe into AA. It’s like this ? magic multiplying address book of connections, that never seems to stop getting bigger. Just when you think you’ve met more people than you’ll ever (!) have time to speak to, you meet some more ‘long lost friends’ who are actually strangers.
All this would be completely unsatisfying if there was not a meaningful and authentic connection with these people, but to me they feel like family. All of them. I really don’t understand ? why it works like that, but I just know it DOES, and I consider myself extremely fortunate to have this. No matter where I am in the world there will always be people within easy reach who feel !!! utterly familiar, even when I’ve never seen them before in my life. My family is huge. Well that’s what it feels like anyway.

None of this will make any sense to you if you never really got into the swing is going to meetings, like most things in AA it only makes sense once you actually DO it. Until then ..it sounds like hokey :)

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think.
I just thought I would mention this as it's been on my mind lately.

If I feel as though my mind is being drawn towards some sort of drama, some sort of resistance, some sort of inclination to get caught up in a ‘fight’, I remind myself of this motto. It is very anti-drama. It is very hard to hold onto drama when I remind myself of this motto. It gets me out of polar thinking. Black-and-white thinking. Us and them thinking.

All drama is bullshit really, but we fall for it every time. Just the ego desperately looking for a hook. Anything to create division, get us back up on the moral hilltop, and create a separate sense of self.
I think a lot of the time I kind of feel my way to the right answer. Meaning if I feel peaceful and reconciled. If I have stopped fighting, then I know I am doing something right.

And if I am still at war with something, even if it is merely some internal surge toward ‘contending’ against something, (even when I have said nothing), as far as I am concerned, I am full of crap. A little harsh you might think, but to me resentment is poison, and when I feel it internally, it feels like poison. It feels wrong. Like strange tiny green ivy tendrils encircling my veins and arteries and weaving its way through my body in ever-increasing quantities. An energetic poison. I feel embarrassed and stupid.* Like being stuck with spinach on your teeth at a party. Like farting in an elevator. I find resentment socially embarrassing, even when I’m alone in my own company.
*When I say stupid I mean that familiar Step one feeling of being caught with your pants down. Knowing you’ve been rumbled. It’s very humbling. It feels foolish but in a good way.

Resentment feels wrong even when on the surface it’s something that could be easily justified. Wanting revenge against a paedophile for instance. Wanting to punish an ‘evildoer’. It’s all the same in the end. Just another justified resentment. Baseless. A fiction to prop up the ego.

But basically, I really love this motto when I’m feeling ‘drama’. What I mean is when I am making a problem out of something, as thats when I feel like there is a drama. It seems to stop the drama in its tracks. It goes against my innate pre-programming toward drama and that’s why I like it. I believe it to be true. It’s like cool water. I want to keep it close in my mind when thing seem tough. It’s like a friend.

Hope you’re all having a lovely Tuesday. I’m still up to my eyes in papers and books. Physically and mentally tired. I still have plenty of inner rebellion against study, so am trying very hard to do the next right thing, which in this case involves looking at the next page, a paragraph at a time if necessary. Bleh. I find it interesting that the material I am studying is so universally disliked by other students, (apparently, but who knows if they are telling the truth) even the ones that gave me the impression that they were into it. It seems very difficult so I just have to plough through it. I’m very much in the just for today card ‘do something for 24hrs that would appal you if you thought you had to keep it up for a lifetime’ territory :)

No Sympathy and lots of questions: A flawless demonstration of how we might Sponsor others by Phillip Hodson

Phillip Hodson is a famous UK psychotherapist who amongst other things, spent many years advising complex mental health issues over the course of phoneins to prime UK radio stations many years ago. As far as I know he neither does phone ins, or even practices as a therapist anymore. He may have retired apart from media and writing projects.
Anyway. Back in the day, people would call in regularly who had been sexually abused, raped, had other !! hugely embarrassing personal issues, or delicate and complex mental health issues, and without fail he managed to consistently provide excellent therapeutic advice to callers, IN AN INCREDIBLY SHORT TIMEFRAME. Hugely !! impressive. I find this style of engagement and delivery !!!! particularly impressive and effective, which is why I mention it here.

A link to his archive audio clips of advice during phone in radio shows is here.

One thing that is noticeable about the way in which he deals with callers, is that (in my interpretation anyway) his communication is devoid of even the slightest flicker of sympathy. ..What I think of as a 'poor you' response.
Unless you have heard an extremely competent person give advice very accurately, it is hard to see how you can give advice without resorting to sympathy at some point. His example illustrates perfectly how if you are very competent, and address the issue accurately, and maintain a common sense and evenhanded, upbeat, measured response, that that approach is infinitely preferable to a "poor you" attitude from the advice giver. Which in my opinion reinforces the concept of victimhood on the person to whom you are talking, so can do more harm.

As with most things, this is better understood by listening to his archive sample phonecalls on this site, than to my explanation, which I doubt does it justice.
But having listened to how effectively he addresses these issues a lot in the past when he used to host regular radio phone-in slots, I have strived to emulate his style in so far as I refuse to give in to the temptation to veer off into "poor you" territory. Having listened to people like Philip, I understood that sympathy may in fact be very detrimental to people who are vulnerable and on the brink of falling apart emotionally. So providing a consistent evenhanded response is often far more settling, and reassuring to the person disclosing their personal issues.
So basically I think Philip is a !!!!! ]fantastic example of how to sponsor people effectively over the phone. Well in my opinion anyway. It is conclusive proof that it need not take much time to get to the point of even a !! very complex issue, and also that sympathy is redundant in many cases, even the most heartbreaking abuse histories.

I just thought I would share that as a reference, as I have always held Phillip's phone skills in high regard, and I had no idea that he had these audio clips online. I only just recently found them so I thought I would mention them here.
I might add, that what I admire here is his skilfulness, and not necessarily the context of therapy per se. I admire skilfulness in all its manifestations, and he is a very atypical psychotherapist who has in my opinion, acquired a ! very high level of skill, which is why he interests me.
I'm not sure how his delivery might be interpreted by people in the US, but I know that in the UK he is an extremely respected professional, and considered generally to be a wise human being with a high level of skill regardless of his paper qualifications as a therapist.

So what I'm saying is, if you SOUND like Philip when you talk to Sponsees, (provided you are reasonably accurately providing !!!!! relevant AA feedback), then in my opinion you have acquired a !! very high level of skill in regards to sponsoring people.
I'm not saying I think you ought to be able to KNOW all the things that he knows is a psychotherapist. (!) What I mean is that putting aside the qualifications of psychotherapist, and just focusing on the WAY in which he listens and talks to people, a HUGE amount can be learned.
For instance, he will frequently interrupt to ask questions in order to clarify things. There are some people in AA that would accuse you of being disinterested or that you weren't listening, if you did that, but again this example illustrates ! perfectly that in order to be competent very often you DO have to interrupt and ask questions in order to get the point quickly. Basically he has a very interventionist style, as opposed to just 'listening'. I have always preferred a highly interventionist style, I understand that this is not normally what people do in AA, because people often feel that their job is a sponsor is to merely listen. But examples like Philip Hodson demonstrate how effective an questioning, interventionist approach is.
Basically a lot of what he does are things which could be levelled as criticisms by (in my opinion) people who don't understand the most effective means of sponsoring people. Because his advice was on a radio show, he worked under !!!!! intense time pressure, and sponsoring is a uniquely difficult task for precisely the same reason. There is a huge amount of time pressure because sponsoring is done on on TOP of full-time work commitments and social obligations. We are not therapists who have !!! hours to spare to book people in, we are people who work full-time who therefore want to get to the point very !!!! quickly, to get to the issue quickly, and so this particular model of advice giving has !!! great uses regarding how to sponsor people, in my opinion anyway. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way he speaks to people. Pure class. Really ! impressive skillfulness.

He is a great example of the maxim 'Sober not Somber' and 'we absolutely insist on enjoying life'. He does not allow himself to get dragged down to the despairing level of the caller. His energy does not become murky or entangled in the mire of the caller. He maintains a positive, proactive, outlook, and is one of a very rare breed who is intelligent enough to have learned how to make just about everything they know sound incredibly understandable and simple. Only very clever people who know their subject can do that. He's spot on. In my opinion. My aim would be to be as impartial and engaged without getting energetically murky, as he is, so that I can be as efficient at helping others as he is able to be. Why? Because I want to at least TRY to be of Maximum helpfulness. I am very grateful for his inspiring example provided on endless !! radio phone-ins years ago.

So there you go :) Better be off and get on with Sunday. Hope yours is a good one.

Some great quotes..

Some great quotes that Ajahn Brahm makes quite often.. I loved some of these so I thought I would share them. He has the standard 'This too will pass', but I include it just to demonstrate the similarities between what he is talking about and AA I suppose. I love step 11 practitioners. Well not ALL of them, but I occasionally am very inspired by them. Some of these are gems. I love em :)
btw Ajahn Brahm has loads of talks on youtube on the BuddhistSocietyWA's Channel if you ? like that kind of thing. I find them very helpful for getting a good nights sleep during exams :)
Anyway, Hope you are having a volcanic dust-free weekend :) Meanwhile here's the quotes:

Whatever you think it's going to be..
It will always be something different.

"Never allow your knowledge to stand in the way of truth."

"The secret to life is... Everything is out of control"

"Pushing the wheelbarrow is easy, its the thinking about it that is hard"

"Suffering is asking from the world what it can never give you"

"The door of my heart will always be open to you, no matter what you did, who you are."

We should always be grateful for the faults in our partner because if they didn't have those faults from the start, they would have been able to marry someone much better than us.

How many times should you forgive someone? Always "one more time."

There is no right or wrong decision, only a decision with consequences

"What is the Law of Khamma in short? You get everything you deserve."

"This is good enough"

"A Busy person is not someone who has lots to do...Busy person is someone who does too many things at the same time"

"The purpose of life is finding the purpose of life"

Anger comes from frustrated plans..

Less expectations..Less Anger...

"When you expect less you can appreciate more"

What's the challenge in loving someone who's perfect?

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

"Teach your child two things - teach him to be honest and to question."

"Complaining is finding faults, wisdom is finding solutions"

Better to Light a Candle than Complain about the Darkness

"It's very compelling, very attractive to have a big daddy in the sky or a big mummy in the sky who will actually make sure that everything is okay for you and will make sure that all your problems disappear... BUT, you know, we're grown up now."

"When the stock market goes down, spiritual values go up."

Buddhist aircon: When it's cold outside, keep a warm heart. When it's warm outside, keep a cool head.

"Don't allow others to control your Happiness"

This too will pass.

Wings of desire: What it must be like to listen in to the thoughts of others

Wings of desire is a lovely film about 'Angels that walk the earth'. I am not saying it reflects reality in exactly the way I see it, but I like the insight into the private thoughts of passers-by in this film. I know that the longer I am sober and the more successfully I am able to communicate with others, that lots of things become apparent that were not apparent before. I feel I can read between the lines. I believe I can see where people are coming from much better than before. Even when they insist on chattering aimlessly about nothing in particular. I think we are very fortunate to get this ability to connect better with our fellow human beings as a by-product of recovery.
This film reminds me of how it feels to be around people who give the impression that they can see right through people. In a good way :) Another version of the same film is City of Angels. Both films have their moments. This film makes me wonder what my perception of humans would be if I could listen in to the thoughts and feelings of others. I like to think that I would feel nothing but compassion for the human condition if I could see that much. It would be a very humbling insight into our shared condition.

What's great about this film is that it is an intimate and vulnerable portrait of the inner landscape. Of the private thoughts people think nobody else knows about. In the course of various Step 11 experiences I have been lucky enough to be around people who made me feel completely transparent because they had such a high level of insight. At first I found it very embarrassing. It feels as though one has no mental or emotional privacy. These people gave me the impression that they can see right through me. So there was no point in trying to disguise anything I was thinking or feeling. (Whether they could or couldn't was by the by, the effect it had on me was what got my attention.)
This is part of the reason I recommend going on step 11 retreats so highly. Because it exposes you to people with a sufficiently high level of insight to completely see through your BS. And like I say, it first it seems uncomfortable, then very !!!! humbling. I suppose I really like it now. I prefer having no place to hide. But it's a very !! good way to get in touch with your humility. :)

I am much more aware of my petty internal responses to things than I was before. I didn't used to notice it nearly so much, but being around people who saw through my ? BS made me notice lots of slightly dodgy thoughts rumbling around in the background that I hadn't picked up on before. Plus lots of crazy rationalizations that I didn't even notice I had. Oh well. The unflattering thoughts don't go away, but I feel significantly more reconciled with my humanity. I feel very lucky to have had this experience.
It taught me a huge respect for logical questioning of what I am thinking. In the past I used to think that I needed to "understand". Now I just think I have to NOTICE things instead of letting them pass me by. I find that when I try to 'understand' things, my mind is invariably drawn towards the things I WANT to think about, (ie ego-massaging BS) as opposed to the things I SHOULD be looking at. (ie ego-puncturing observations)

The process started in AA. And continues because people always reflect something back to me that I hadn't seen before or hadn't noticed. Always some sort of new ? 'wake up call'. So I always end up coming face-to-face with something that reflected back that I wasn't expecting. It just seems to be more and more ego-puncturing experiences. Brings me face to face with the inner surges of the 'fight-to-the-death' ego. It would be so !!! lovely to have no ego. It encourages me to see some people manage to have made quite a bit of headway in that direction. Thank god it is not a lost cause :)
I find egolessness an incredibly beautiful characteristic in a person. I hope to be able to emulate some of the egoless people I have been lucky enough to meet sometime. There would be no 'self-will' left to break. Nothing between me and the ability to harmonize with others.