See you after Wednesday :)

Wow its so GREEN !! round here these days. Summer is HERE!! yaaaay.
Im just posting to say my enforced absence will be temporarily suspended as of Wednesday 27th. Cross your fingers for me for the Wednesday as that's my last scary exam. (Till next time!)
Hope you are all well :) I am sure you all are :)
I'm fine. Same ol same ol. Just less sleep, and heightened nerves. The two go rather well together as it happens..
As for AA. Haven't given it much thought. Time permitting, I will see if I can find a express-Sponsee to do steps with in the summer in double quick time. But its pure luck whether one shows up that is suitable for that sort of thing. Will be nice to catch up with you all. :) I am already drifting into holiday mode as I anticipate the reduction in workload after Wednesday. But in truth another pile of obligations show up that need attending to that I have put on the back burner. I might take a needed dharma-break and hang out with some monks/nuns. They are sooooooooooo relaxing to be around. Its like you have a MONTHS holiday in a week, or a weeks holiday in a day. Plus I just really like ! being around them. Even if I feel like a complete fool. Hehe. Its VERY !!!!!! ego puncturing, I can tell you. Still the ritual humiliation and subsequent humility will be what I call 'good uncomfortable'.
I will have to check if I have any time off work left.. Hopefully.
Right well I look forward to having some TIME do do STUFF. I have LOTS to catch up with. Oh well.

RIGHT. Must not!!!! Get distracted!!!! Back to work!! I find it VERY hard sustaining the effort to the bitter end, so I must take my leave and get back to you after Wednesday :)
Have a LOVELY Sunday :)

There's always SOME truth in criticism

There's always some truth in criticism. ..well apart from 'shape shifting reptile' !! baloney!

It is tempting to think that the more one accumulates information, and the more success one has at passing on the message of recovery to people with less experience, that the more infallible one becomes, or more impenetrable to stupid mistakes, projections, misplaced blame, and various forms of 'justified' moral superiority.

But I have found that not to be the case. One of the reasons I am intrigued by personal and moral superiority, is because I find those pitfalls are much more readily available to anybody who has successfully managed to stay sober for some time. Yes of course arrogance exists in many forms and I have met my fair share of arrogant newcomers. But I'm just saying that for those who are lucky enough to have managed to overcome a compulsion to drink for a long period of time, and also have overcome a lot of personal obstacles, then there is a very strong temptation to occupy the moral high ground when one encounters people who are clearly less able. Either because they cannot stop drinking, because they have little or no grasp of how arrogant they are.

One of the things I frequently tell Sponsees, if they follow the path of steps that way I was shown them, is that they will enjoy (as described on page 83) "a feeling of neutrality safe and protected", "the drink problem has been removed, it does not exist for them". Whilst that might not seem very impressive to a non-alcoholic, unfortunately due to the unwillingness of many AA to follow suggestions, it's not common for people to feel like that in AA recovery. I find that most members of AA that I meet do not feel as though they are "in a position of neutrality safe and protected". Because this is the case, it would be easy to feel superior in some way to these people.

It's because of this that I tell Sponsees and when they start, the they will have to work very hard in order to overcome arrogance and superiority at a later date. It's easy to feel humble when everything you do you turns to crap. It's much harder to stay humble when most of what you do succeeds. Of course not everything succeeds, that's not what I mean. What I mean is, we have a good chance at life. And things really start to work. Often for the very first time. We start getting along with our family. We start getting along with the people we work with. We start to be of real help to the people we meet. Our friends and family start relying upon us for our assistance. The people we have helped in the past, come back because the thing we passed onto them, really worked for them. And seeing all these nice things to happen is really lovely.
But none of these things make me or anybody else less prone to error, or faulty judgement. There is no critical mass of life experience or information that can shield either you or I from our own stupidity, or carelessness.
And blindness doesn't leave us simply because we did well yesterday. So basically we never get to put our feet up. Life has nasty way of reminding us when we take our eye off the ball. You snooze you lose.

So when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there may very well be some truth in it. It's highly likely I'm doing something wrong, and that I may be contributing to the problem unwittingly in some way or other. Mainly because none of us can lay claim to EVER being ENTIRELY free of error.
Of course some criticism is expressed in a way that is difficult to take on board, but that does not make the content of the criticism any less valid. Alternatively, a form of criticism may be expressed very eloquently, yet its content is utterly misplaced. The same is true of compliments. A compliment could be very skilfully expressed, yet have no basis in truth. Or a compliment could be expressed really poorly, yet reflect a real virtue of some sort.

I regularly receive criticism of some sort another from AA's I meet. Misery loves company. And if I communicate that I believe (on almost cellular level) that happiness is an inside job, that understandably ruffles some people's feathers, who haven't had the good fortune to have that experience.

"We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, even though it was once just that for very many of us"

so yeah, people get pissed off. It's the nature of the beast. I don't take it personally. I'm not saying I like it, I just don't take it personally.

Basically I'm just saying that criticism goes with the territory. Especially if the results you are getting are not very similar to that of the majority membership of AA. So long-term sobriety is in some respects can be pretty thankless. Until of course others get grips with your approach, and get to see the benefits of it first-hand. Only then, are people able to genuinely put their prejudices and reservations to one side. I think that's fairly normal. I don't think makes them difficult, obstructive, or worse in some way or other. I think I was the same. I think I only really understood how powerful a program was after I had completed the first nine steps. The longer I am sober the more I see what an extraordinarily powerful vehicle the AA program is for all kinds of self-realisation.

When I encounter criticism from Sponsees and newcomers I completely understand that they don't understand. I find it unpleasant to be on the receiving end of their negativity. It actually feels like little arrows are physically piercing me. Not nice! Quite toxic. And very draining if I stick around too long. But what I mean is, regardless of all the things I've learned, and regardless of all the experiences I have overcome, I don't assume that I'm right, or without fault, when something goes wrong. Perhaps I make too many allowances for people's genuine reservations about what I am telling them. Who knows? All I know is that that's how I feel when things go wrong. When someone reacts badly to what I'm saying. (apart from total !! crazy nutters)

But by and large I would say defensive, critical reactions are very common in AA. AA is full of touchy, restless, irritable and discontent people so it's hardly surprising people disagree in ways that are not terribly !! skilful! As you may already know from reading this blog, I have very low expectations generally of others. I don't expect people in AA to be gracious when they encounter something they don't like. I expect mudslinging and other such childish reactions. So it's hard to disappoint me by behaving childishly, but like I said before, I don't have a heart of stone, so yes I feel the consequences of attacking comments just like everybody else.

Anyway I just thought I would share that. Basically nothing is as simple or as comfortable as you would like it to be. And there is no point at which you stop questioning yourself. Anyway I better be off. I'm only doing this because I'm avoiding another task! So have a fabulous Tuesday, and I hope your weather is as nice as ours :)

Almost instant cure for RSI: The Mind/Body Prescription

Well I've been suffering from what I'm going to call "the 12 days of RSI."
I've had it in the past, and successfully used Australian bush flower essences which pretty much fixed it. Anyway, I've used the same bush flower essences that I used the last time, and thank God they worked! Phew!

But whilst I was doing a little bit of extra research on the Internet for RSI, I stumbled across what looks like a fabulous resource which pretty much sums up my interpretation of how RSI arises in the first place. I had always taken the view that it was some sort of stress arising due to an unresolved dilemma of some sort, but I particularly like the way in which it is articulated by the woman describing how she recovered using Dr Sarnos's approach.

There is a link to it here. Another related page is here. And the Amazon book page references is here. Australian bush flowers are here.

What I mean is, but I thought I had an instinctive understanding of this, but I am really impressed by the clarity and straightforward explanation provided by this interpretation of how RSI arises. So, I listened to the the online recordings which summarise the method, and have been trying to consciously implement its suggestions, and although I was feeling good already, I feel even better than I did before I listened to the audio.

The gist of it goes:
Unresolved conflicts bringing to light parts of oneself one doesn't like to acknowledge. But the tension between the view one likes to have of oneself, (I am a good caring person who makes time for other people), and the view revealed by testing circumstances, (I don't have time to take care of you and everybody else because quite frankly I have got TOO MUCH TO DO right now), create internal tension, and unless you are prepared to look at this dilemma SQUARELY in the eye, and see the UNFLATTERING truth about oneself, the body creates a CONVENIENT DISTRACTION from the daunting, unflattering issue. RSI is useful because it creates an almost total distraction, because just about every movement is affected by it. This way, you have almost 24 x 7 distraction.

The cure? Simply to remind oneself when pain arises, that the pain is a convenient fiction to distract oneself from the dilemma, and to basically go straight to the heart of the dilemma and solve that, or at the least acknowledge it. Basically, if you face the demon, then there is no need for the body to ameliorate your stress by providing you with the painful distraction.

Cool. My conflict, or cognitive dissonance to give its true name, was the conflict between,
1. being a responsible person in my family, who does whatever they can to provide solutions to family problems.
2. Having too much on my plate right now to deal with the ENERGY VAMPIRES in my family who are currently in enacting various stages of drama, in response to one family member who has cancer. their drama, my current workload, their inability to understand my lack of drama, their inability to understand the extent of my current workload, is just too much work for me to take on at this moment in time, and at some point this problem will require me to tell them so, in a way that doesn't cause them harm, or shift blame onto them, for what is essentially MY personal limits of patience and tolerance, and mental and emotional energy.

Unsurprisingly, I do not like to see myself as somebody who does not have a great deal of patience and tolerance for the demands placed upon myself because of a 'cancer drama' presenting itself to a family member. Nor do I like to see myself as somebody who has to exert almost every available ounce of energy into my current workload, in order to achieve a satisfactory result.

Helping my family, is much more exhausting than helping a newcomer. As my family are much less open and receptive to new ideas. They are very conventional. So whereas an hour helping a newcomer might invigorate me and refresh my mind, an hour trying to help my family member, is straining, frustrating, testing, seemingly intractable. Like pulling teeth basically. Yes it can be done, but it's slow arduous work. I know because I've done in the past, and I've seen gradual improvement. But that kind of work takes moment to moment, unwavering focus, in order not to drift into habitual negativity, blame, fixed ideas. The only thing I can compare it to, is like dealing with a newcomer who doesn't want to get sober, who thinks they know best, who thinks they are right, and that I am stupid. I can help newcomers who fit that description, but it's HARD work, and one has to deal with ongoing slights and undermining remarks of one sort or another which is draining.

So that's why being there for my family in a non bullshitty kind of way, takes !! work, and because I'm at a !! PARTICULARLY busy point in my workload, my mind is pretty full !! up with that right now, so I don't have mental space for a pile of other concerns, which to me seem entirely self-inflicted and avoidable. I know that they want me to be there for them in what I would call a "conventional" way. But I am more accustomed to being there for other people, in what I would call a fairly nonconventional way. When I am concerned about another human being. I feel that in some way benefits them. Some would say that was delusional, to me it is nothing more than the power of prayer. I think that ANY good thought directed towards another human being benefits them, and I don't think it matters whether you call it prayer or anything else. So I feel as though I am doing my bit, albeit not in a way that I think makes sense to them. In this way the spiritual life is a bit of a curse, because one ends up dealing with people who are not on a spiritual path who think you think you're being a complete A*SE. The answer is in the St Francis prayer where it says:

"It is better to understand, than to be understood"

(yeah I know it's not exactly the same, but that's how I remember hearing it in aa meetings) Meaning, life is a great deal simpler, when instead of trying to make everybody else understand YOUR perspective, you behave in a way, and speak in such a way, that you are sure their limited viewpoint WILL be able to understand. It's as if we are talking two COMPLETELY separate languages, and in order to be understood I have to adopt THEIR language.

Obviously, I'm no doctor, I am not saying that I think you ought to adopt the same viewpoint, I'm just telling you this is what I make it today. don't for God's sakes assume I expect you to agree with me :)
Right well much as though I would love to stay and chat!, The gym is calling :) Have a relaxing cosy Sunday wherever you happen to be :)

Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Well, after all those kind comments you alcoholic bloggers left for me in the last post, I think I'm going to have to do buy this book, and commit it entirely to memory :)
..no, seriously, this book does appeal to me, but I confess I haven't read it yet.
Its called: Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Personally, I think the ego is extraordinarily insidious. Never really goes away. Best you can do, is learn to tolerate it gracefully. Some people, do manage to have very impressive absence of? Ego. Not nearly enough unfortunately.
There is that whole, "false humility" thing, which I find a little bit distasteful. I'm not very good at tolerating it, because I find it embarrassingly transparent. If it was less obvious, then it wouldn't bug me so much. But as it is, it's sort of stands out like a sore thumb, and it's very difficult to not notice.

Also, this subject has significance for either someone with long-term sobriety, or someone with less sobriety who is able to enjoy a high standard of of emotional stability, for want of a better word. When I say emotional stability, I don't mean that they somehow experience that sort of "flat line" emotional life. What I mean is, that they don't take their emotional state personally. Meaning their relationship to their varied, unpredictable, and conflicting states, is "no big deal".
And of course, this applies to all those that by default have a confident demeanour, and a tendency towards complacency.

Personally, I find when things are going well, that's the time I'm most likely to get lazy and complacent. So success for me, is a sort of minefield. You'd be surprised how easy it is to wreck things, by just letting things slide. So, the more success you experience, the easier it is to become complacent. Well that's what I find anyway.

So, I think this book looks quite promising. There is nothing more unattractive than grandiosity. And how easy! it is to think oneself slightly better than the next man, especially when the next man is in a particularly sorry state, for one reason or another. Like someone said, "it's easy to love the lovable ones".

I must admit, I find those things I learned from having to deal with success of one sort or another, quite interesting. Because so much of my life before was about failure after failure. So, I never really had to learn how to be responsible when good things came my way. Now I am in a fortunate position in many ways, life is a lot better than it was. I have more luck than I deserve. And yes, in this impermanent world, nothing is certain. "This too shall pass". The good things pass, and the bad things pass. But in the past all I had was lots of bad things. At least, that's the way it seemed. I daresay I have a slanted perception of my past, so they that may not be entirely accurate! But yes I became very good at different forms of crisis management. Whereas now, my challenge is to maintain the good things, so that I do not allow them to slip through my fingers. Nor hold on to them so tightly, that I squeeze the life out of them. And this is an entirely new lesson. For me.

So anyway, it I just thought I would mention this book, because us alcoholics are a bit ! weak on the ego front. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be uniquely awful. ..So much so that we are 'special and different', in a worse way, than other aa's. Which is bull.

Right I'm off. And thank you so much for your kind comments on my birthday. If I'm honest, compliments make me slightly uncomfortable, As I subscribe more to the Kipling review of criticism and compliments From be poem called if

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

Meaning I think of both criticism and compliments as imposters. Because neither of them tell the whole story. And no matter how nice the thing you are telling me is, I know that there is another side to that. And that feeling never really leaves me, so on the one hand it is only polite to say thank you, but I don't feel as though I am a better person because I have those compliments. the nagging reality of my varied nature is all too apparent, unfortunately. I don't mean that in a disparaging sense, because I wholeheartedly believe that all humans contains shades of light and dark, so when I say that, it has no 'good' or 'bad' meaning. it's like saying 'I am just like you'. So there is no sense of shame or criticism, for me when I think those thoughts.

One thing I like about long-term sobriety, if that every now and again, life pulls you up short, in no uncertain terms, and lets you know absolutely that you don't know everything. So I kind of know that a moment that feels just like that, lies ahead. And that's why it easier to not take success or failure personally, and to see it all as shades of experience. Neither good nor bad. Right or wrong.

There I go again. I had every intention of writing a very short post. Just mentioning the book and the author and leaving it at that. Typical.
Well have a fabulous day, wherever you are :)

Happy New Year :) 22yrs tomorrow! And Cainer says you can cast positive resolutions in concrete tonight.

http://www.icq.com/img/friendship/static/card_16961_rs.swf
HAPPY NEW YEAR e card

Right. Yeah, another ! year on the sober block, as opposed to up some alcoholic creek without a paddle. Hehehe A creek I got to know ALL too well before I decided to take the advice of some friendly alcohol counselors and put the drinking on hold and go to aa meetings. Cool. Now all I need to do is maintain (what I consider to be) a respectably low fat percentage, then I will have !! everything! ...Just kidding.. But yeah its always work staying the weight you want to be. There are "no days off" with that one either! Shame! I have to undo the December excesses. Oh well.

More importantly. Cainer says your thoughts will become things that STICK this new year. Enabling you to cast a positive resolution in concrete. So to speak. Great!

Cainer said yesterday:
Tomorrow brings the awkward convergence of an earthly tradition and a cosmic apparition. Normally, New Year’s Eves come and go without too much fuss. We celebrate. We sing. We make our resolutions then we carry on. But what if some heavenly force were secretly listening in to our every vow, offering full celestial support in ensuring those promises were completely carried out? Tomorrow night, Saturn turns stationary. Such conditions favour those who wish to make a decision and ‘cast it in concrete’ so that it can never be changed. Be very careful not to make a ‘negative’ resolution.
And today he said:
It’s rare to have New Year with a stationary Saturn. Resolutions made under this cosmic climate will prove particularly powerful and unnervingly easy to keep!

Hehe I know what resolutions I want this year.
There are study ones, career ones, fat percentage ones, gym ones, and nearest and dearest ones. Loads! So I am getting busy formulating my desired destinations in my mind today to garner momentum and staying power from the freakishly rare unmoving hulk of Saturn. Cool.

So I hope you all have a peaceful new year and for those of you that are newer to sobriety, don't suffer to much from peer pressure that convinces you that you OUGHT to be doing ?? Something expensive overcrowded and unfunny, just because you feel imposed upon by ? nameless social conventions. Life is too !! short. Do whatever you fancy and don't feel guilty about it. If you don't want to stand for 40mins in a !! freezing queue to get in to some sort of 'exclusive' club only to find it full of lurching unintelligible alcohol sodden, or 'wired' people functioning only on the most reduced limbic brain state, well, you will be glad !! to hear that you ! don't ! have ! to! Thank god. Leave that 'luxury' to the active alcoholics, and THEY can pay 50 quid to stand in an overcrowded bar with slightly overweight red faced lurching individuals who have difficulty forming sentences. :) Trust me, you'll meet a MUCH nicer bunch in the gym. Or basically ! anywhere where the main form of entertainment is NOT being anesthetized, and out of control. Basically. Hehe

Right well you can tell how much I enjoy the company of active alcoholics on their home turf. Not much basically. They are bearable when they are sober but get repetitive and dull after a few so I make my excuses and leave when their social skills get clumsy which sadly can happen quite quickly. I manage to enjoy those sorts of occasions by just seeing what I can do for others while I'm there. Without being a doormat that is. As there are plenty of awkward ! social moment due to the disihibiting affects of alcohol, there are plenty of opportunities for service to change the subject quickly and gloss things over in a social sense.
There are loads of AA new years nights here if you like that kind of thing. They can be quite sweet. Like a wedding disco or something. A wide mix of people catching up with each other, throwing a few shapes, and not taking themselves too seriously.
Plus they have seriously great fireworks by the river and millennium wheel over here, and smaller displays all over. If you can bear the cold!

Or, you can enter the new year with 5 - 20 mins of meditation.
Ajahn Chah used to say, "If you want to change the world learn to make your mind still. To a mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders."

Brahmavihara Meditation (Boundless Equanimity, Love, Appreciative Joy and Compassion) - mp3, 20mins
http://tinyurl.com/brahmavihara
World Peace Meditation - mp3, 15mins
http://tinyurl.com/7enoj9
You can use any of these to enter the new year meditating...or simply sit in receptive silence.
As part of the meditation session it will be good to focus loving, peaceful thoughts to the troubled regions in our world today.
"Khanti paramam tapo titikha"
Patient endurance is the supreme austerity.
Wishing you an equanimous new year.

Right. Gym. Essays.
Have a good one, whatever you do :)

Increased sensitivity toward others AND acceptance means: "It hurts you more but it bothers you less"

On a relative level, it hurts you MORE. On an absolute level, it bothers you LESS
"There is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely." Quote at 6.15 of the video.

This is like a master class on emotional intelligence by Ken Wilber. Bless im.
This is for those of you that tend to get steamrollered by your emotions or fear that life will tear you apart unless you close your eyes to the suffering in the world. Ken has a very good explanation as to how more advanced practitioners view that ongoing tension.

My words:
Firstly. He distinguishes between what he calls RELATIVE reality, and ABSOLUTE reality.
Lets call the relative reality the ? world. 'People places and things', such as emotions, patterns of the mind. Al the emotional and mental 'traffic' we experience.

Then lets call the ABSOLUTE reality ? ..God, HP the power of AA as a whole. ? Whatever. Just something beyond the daily push and pull. Doesn't really matter what you call it. Its that place that feels ? beyond the surface of things. ? ..Gawd knows what it is, but it is beyond people, places and things. Including the capacity of the thinking mind.

In retrospect, I think this ? 'dual' reality he describes, of both a 'relative' and 'absolute' nature, (Buddhists call it 'conditioned' and 'unconditioned' reality, but it doesn't really matter what you call it) is the thing I was ! trying to describe in the July 2007 post called: The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether' And another Dec 2006 post called: A strange 'dual' mind space shared by myself and my Sponsees. (And their Sponsees)

Anyway. regarding RELATIVE reality: Ken says at 5.06 of the video:
"The more awakened you become, the more INVOLVED you become, the more you actually FEEL, and the more painful it becomes. So the pain increases. (So do the positive emotions BTW.)
You become SO sensitive you can feel EVERYTHING that's arising for everybody. All that becomes something that you TASTE and you FEEL CONSTANTLY.

He then says at 6.03 of the video:
"On the ABSOLUTE side, it bothers you LESS.
So there is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely.

We have to give ourselves PLENTY of room to feel BOTH:
The ABSOLUTE PERFECTION in everything that arises.
..And yet see ONE person starving and you will start crying so hard it will kill you.
And if you are not doing BOTH, you are doing something WRONG."

My words:
AA's learn to see 'perfection' in this way by developing the spiritual principle of Acceptance p417 of the Big book
""When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some FACT of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I ACCEPT that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

NOTHING, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
(p417, AA Big Book) you can view the story this comes from called "Acceptance was the answer" here

*Apologies for the music on this vid BTW. Hey i didn't choose it!!.. but hey never mind.. :)

There is another ongoing tension with emotions between REPRESSION and INDULGENCE. But that's another post.
There are plenty of other Ken Wilber vids on Utube. Plus he has a website if you are interested..

Which 'race' are you when push comes to shove? The decent or indecent man?

"From all this we may learn that there are two races of men in this world, but only these two-the '"race" of the decent man and the "race" of the indecent man. Both are found everywhere, they penetrate into all groups of society. No group consists entirely of decent or indecent people. In this sense no group is of pure race and therefore one occasionally found a decent fellow among the camp guards."
p94 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Viktor E. Frankl was a therapist who was in the concentration camps. Its a very dignified exposition of the beauty of the human spirit and what makes us 'good' and 'bad'. Riveting. Fascinating.

LOVE this book. Very short very readable.

Some prisoners when their backs were against the wall became horribly ruthless and cruel in order to survive at !!!! any price. Others maintained their dignity despite the ravages of the situation and would offer their last piece of bread to another in the most frightful and despairing circumstances.
So you see. We CHOOSE the next right thing (moral restraint and impulse control) or giving in to our reptilian survival impulses, oblivious to the next man. Heedlessly following the instinctual, habitual path of least resistance. Which one would you like to be?

"Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted as wrongly as you are about to act now!"
p114 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

I realized that I do the above without realizing when I speak to newcomers or sponsor people. I easily see the fork ahead in the road leading to an alternate destination were I to NOT explain to them how to dig themselves out of the hole. It is what motivates me to pass it on. The !!!! carnage and destruction down road B motivates me to TRY to educate them to travel down road A. so yeah I like this maxim.

..and describing a talk he gave his fellow prisoners after a !!! bleak and awful day:
"I asked the poor creatures listening to me attentively in the darkness of the hut (reminds me of Bill Wilson talking gravely to the assembled huddle of alcoholics in his kitchen) to face up to the seriousness of our position. They must not lose hope but must keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of our struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning. I said that someone looks down on each of us in difficult hours-a frind, a wife, somebody alive or dead, or a God-and he would not expect us to disappoint him. He would hope to find us suffering proudly -not miserably....................The purpose of my words was to find a full meaning in our life, then and there, in that hut, and in that practically hopeless situation. I saw that my efforts had been successful. When the electric bulb flared up again, I saw the miserable figures of my friends limping toward me to think me with tears in their eyes."
p91 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Fantastic book. Go get it. Takes an afternoon to read.
Have a fabulous Thursday!

I am oblivious to xmas so far. Just concentrating on study at the moment. Trust me. "Its just another day". Really. "There are no big deals" and all that. Hehe but I !! LOVE swerving all the seasonal palaver. Social ritual seems utterly meaningless to me. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye" as they say.

Outward stuff is just 'stuff'. So I am not terribly interested in it. I try to make sure I have no ketchup stains on my shirt (heheh) and all that, but above and beyond presentation (for the purposes of being considerate), my interest in plumage and ? nest building is a big fat zero. Hehe
So yeah do all that stuff if you REALLY want to but Im telling you it means NOTHING to me. Absolutely nothing. Kindness never goes out of fashion, but the palaver and running around I can do without.

Right gotta go.!!! Mind your head! :) Especially if you are in your first year. (Because it's nearly xmas and people tend to go a bit mad if they are not vigilant)

Buy half price vitamins in November and December

Because they are FULL price in January.
I bought about a years worth of super !! high quality vitamins today at half price. I remembered that this time of year is a GREAT time to buy cheap vitamins as everyone is waaay too busy buying mince pies and things that make you fat. So yeah. Now's a good time. Just thought id mention that.
But who knows perhaps they will be cheap all year due to the economics? Gawd knows.
Whatever. Just thought I would share that.

AA is not a social club: Friendship in AA is a bonus, not a given.

Firstly let me say I DO know people in AA that are real friends and whose friendship I do value. What I mean here is that I do not use AA as a social club.
I do not go there to 'take', I go to 'give' and therefore "perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because I want to 'survive the certain trials and low spots ahead" (p15, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because the big book tells me it is "imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead" (p14, AA Big Book)
So yeah. Meetings are for doing SERVICE.
Everything else is secondary.

So
12 step meetings are for doing service. Not for making friends. As such. Would you look to make friends from people in a psychiatric ward? We are here because we have a VERY serious mental illness, of which one of the symptoms is a devastating recurring blind spot that conveniently forgets "the suffering and humiliation" (p24, AA Big Book) of past drinking. Amongst other things.

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24, AA Big Book)
Even though we "vaguely sense I was not being any too smart," (p36, AA Big Book)
We have the "curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink." (p37, AA Big Book)
So basically we are a pretty !! mad bunch. In SIGNIFICANT ways. Not minor ones.
Our blind spots are life threatening, until we rid ourselves of this "curious mental phenomenon" (p37, AA Big Book) by completing the first nine steps with the help of a competent sponsor. And keeping it in remission with steps 10 11 and 12.

Most are preoccupied with self. Few seriously think of others. We are all different. It takes ages to teach people how to think of others. 12 step progs can provide a great excuse to become terribly self absorbed whilst deluding oneself that one is a spiritual giant. Easy to do!

I look for friends outside AA mostly, and if friendship occurs in AA I see it as a bonus. Sponsees are good friends as they understand me better than most regardless of how little I see them or speak to them. (more like ex Sponsees at the moment as I am waaay to busy to sponsor at the mo)

I have found face to face is not necessary for friendship and support, but yes we are social animals and we tend to perform worse without the pressures and conflicts social interaction provide. Without these rough spots, we never grow tolerance patience or acceptance.
I find I need time spent being sociable with friends less and less, as I feel connected to them all the time anyway. But yes I need social stimulation to function well.

So I like being around others because I learn from them and am supported by them. But friendship and support comes from absent friends too. People who are not 'in the building'. Books can be friends. Books can be teachers.
Active imagination can feel as real to me as people are. Sometimes feels more real than physical presence. So I can get support without the other needing to be in the building. So to speak.

As regards general friendship. It is the norm that whomever instigates social functions inevitably deals with reluctance and flakiness from those they invite and organize for.
If you are naturally thoughtful of others, be grateful for this natural orientation of the mind that you possess, but do not expect to find it often in others. Do not think people feel and think the same as you and get surprised when you find out they are not. That would be a great recipe for disillusionment. You would be falling prey to Idealism.

My home group was very ? Girl guide aa. Meaning we did it by the book. Were very morally/ethically restrained. In the same way you might expect a paid professional to be. Restraint of tongue and pen. Etc. (Step 10 12x12) a basic ethics principle of 'do onto others as you would.."

10th step 12x12
“Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.”

Most meetings do not work from a basic ethics principle of "Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97, AA Big Book) or "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)
so yeah, people can be very flaky and unreliable.
In the main, my home group members could be relied upon absolutely as they were expected to be in 'service mode' ! constantly. It just went with the territory. Service, service and !!! more service!!!!
"the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles* in all my affairs" (p14, AA Big Book)
*The principle here refers to: "to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book) and "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)

So. For finding people who are capable of being good friends in AA, it is always a good idea to find the MOST SERVICE ORIENTATED members and meetings in your area that you can find, as they tend by and large to be more reliable and considerate than others. Stick with the winners as best you can. Principles before personalities*. Just go to where there is most recovery, and don't get sidetracked by other social trends such as similar background or other considerations.

*(Tradition 12: "ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities.")

So if you want friends that better meet your needs I suggest:
Ask your HP to guide you to the people, places and things that support your spiritual growth the MOST.
And ask for the KNOWLEDGE and POWER to carry out that journey. No matter WHERE it takes you.
"praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Step 11. (p59, AA Big Book)
Then do the footwork. You paddle. God steers.

Cool huh? Scary as well. But that's what growing up is about. We never know where we will end up..
TRUE open mindedness is not for the faint hearted!

Hey gotta go. Have a great Tuesday!!

Attending AA Meetings in Second Life

Second life is a virtual world and here is their website.

Here is a pic of the 12 Step Recovery Meeting Hall. Inset is the interior and the sunset pic is an example of a more ! attractive environment one could create as a meeting venue. Meaning the range of options is !!! limitless and this recovery hall looks a little ! Spartan. The meeting could be held in space, in a jungle, anywhere ! really. Gawd knows. Perhaps a more 'plain' one is better.. ? No idea.
Anyway:
To set up a 12 step meeting.
Figure out a weekly time that suits you.
Then IM Spike Willard to request a schedule weekly meeting.
That's it. Job done.

Or else just show up at the same time after you tell your mates in SL.
Or set up your own meeting hall. Even better!

I had a look at second life and immediately saw !!! Loads of stuff that hadn't been added yet and immediately wanted to create about a !! dozen environments.
Typical!
Anyway. This is only the online version of 'cleaning under the cooker' when a more !!! onerous task presents itself. Of which right now I have MANY :)
A pointless distraction basically.

But yeah. Its interesting, but I imagine it's use will reflect the web trend of being led primarily by po*n and sexual activity. But hey, just like the web has done, beter things will piggy back on that online trend and eventually environments will emerge that appeal to our vastly superior (Yeah right!) Tastes!! :)

So yeah. Go waste even MORE time than you already do on the net by sorting yourself out some Avatar and waste MASSES of time being a tourist in virtual environments. Hehe
There is a bog standard naff looking avatar you can get upon registration, but it should do. First name is the interesting. Second name is predesignated. Ie so a bit naff. But first name is whatever you like to call oneself.

So there you go. Just thought I would share that with you :)

Like any new medium I advise being a tourist and hanging around before you commit to anything. But that's just me. I always prefer to err on the side of caution.

But seriously there is a TON of stuff I would love to set up but my free time is a bit too thin on the ground right now so I figured I would put the idea out there for all you guys to jump on in your inimitably enthusiastic ! alcoholic fashion. ...If you ? fancy it anyway. Or just to mull over.
I don't use online meetings as typing takes far too long and I don't feel the urge to take part. SL meetings offer you the option to talk as well as type. So the time wasting part of typing can be avoided. Whatever. Other people could eavesdrop though unless you restrict access to the meeting space. Also there may be audio controls you can implement which will restrict who can overhear spoken conversations. I'm sure it's all doable though, if you can be ! bothered figuring it all out. So yeah privacy issues may be relevant. Anonymity as well. Obviously. So yeah there is stuff to figure out. But im sure you tech heads will figure it out in a heartbeat. :)
There are tools online (including the HStick - Proximity Scanner) that allow you to detect the presence of other visitors to your site
Hehe Go shopping crazy in onrez.com and go buy yourself a castle as a venue :)
If you LOVE shopping you may find Second Life very !! addictive Im afraid!

So there you go.
Right I'm off!
Too much stuff to do! Oh well
Doesn't help that I'm sat here instead of getting on with it!
Have a gorgeous Tuesday! :)

Happy Joyous and Free: Inspirational Speech by Dr. Randy Pausch

This is great if you haven't already seen it. There are many entries on you tube and the full length final speech is also on there.
I really like his approach.
No victim mentality.
Fun. Enthusiasm. "We insist upon enjoying life" What that means...being "Happy joyous and Free"
The love inherent in constructive criticism.
Loads !! really. Its a great lecture. This is the short 10min version he did on Oprah. Hope you like :)

Andrew at The 4th Avenue Blues is precisely ONE YEAR sober today

Andrew at The 4th Avenue Blues is precisely ONE YEAR sober today.
I have been watching him deal with all manner of difficult circumstances and am terribly !!! happy to see that he has accomplished one years recovery a day at a time. I find him particularly generous hearted and totally without arrogance or unkindness, except unconsciously toward himself in the form of self doubt and deprecation.
What a lovely guy! He has come an ! astonishingly long way in the last 365 days and is an example to all of us, that presuppose our life circumstances mean we cannot get well using the programme of recovery.
His recovery inspires me and I am profoundly happy to see how differently he relates to his family and the world since he realized drinking was no longer working for him. His steady improvement is wildly impressive.

His kindness and generosity literally shine out of what he writes, but I know he cannot see these things anything like as clearly as others are able to see them in him. I look forward to the day when he is better able to see what a worthwhile, inspirational, kind and compassionate human being he truly is.
Ah bless. So go wish him happy aa anniversary if you feel so inclined. :)

Well !! done !! Andrew. Happy AA Anniversary!!!!!
There are PLENTY more of those anniversaries available to you, a day at a time. Virtual cake and streamers your way!
Keep coming back Friend. It gets better.

'Unlocated': Distresses and exasperates the thinking mind.

St Paul's Cathedral shrouded in thick (pea soup) fog one Saturday 6.15am, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Unlocated.
That's my favorite word of the day. Something that defies ? Location. Cannot specify its boundaries. Does not have a 'postcode'. Like no beginning and no end. Doesn't start 'here' and end 'there'.
Cant be grasped by the mind. Cannot be held. Cannot be possessed. Defies being 'pinned down' to a specific meaning or place in the world.
Feels slippery in the mind. And makes the mind flail around getting more and more upset as its limited range of function cannot 'get' it. Very upsetting for the mind. Very frustrating.
Cannot be encapsulated by a neat mental code or description. Just when you think you've got it you haven't. Like trying to capture a butterfly in your hand. The moment you exert yourself to contain it, the moment vanishes and the butterfly is squashed by the act of grasping.
Its like walking a rope but forcing yourself not to look down. You deprive yourself of the opportunity to get a 'fix' on your location. And you STAY that way. Free floating unlocated undefined experience. Scary!

I think the first time AA's get this type of experience is when they try to define a higher power. ..Well once they have settled into AA and start trying to think about what an HP actually is.
When people are new they tend to be very !!! confident about whatever their belief happens to be. That there IS a god, or there is NO god, or that they are an ATHEIST. Basically its all very neat and tidy. All sorted. Even if they are undecided they are very confident about the fact that they are undecided. Full of confidence in their beliefs basically.

The 'HP' defies definition. And so the act of mentally trying to define it will exasperate the mind, and always have an unfinished quality. Something lacking. Something not yet located.
This is what Amaro calls unlocated, and he often refers to this term when he talks about things.
I have the same experience when I (!) try to understand monastics or the like. I get the same slippery exasperating, unfinished quality of mind in their presence.

The pathetic hankering of the mind to satisfy it's need to DEFINE everything and create boundaries for every experience makes me laugh. Its pathetic really. Such an inadequate attempt to nail down some thing that cannot be nailed down. Reminds me of a cat pathetically pawing at the door trying to get in. kind of feeble. Gets the mind nowhere. Just an instinctive ITCH (what Amaro would call the grasping mind) to get an answer. To define and categorize everything.

Being around unlocated people is weird too. I get that feeling around monks and nuns and the like. They are neither one thing nor the other. They are neither here nor there. You cannot nail em down. They !!!!! confuse the brain. Thankfully they also create something whilst in their presence that reassures sufficiently so as to not create a sense of !! total flailing. There is a parallel experience of 'all is well' in addition to the unlocated presence they emanate.

Every now and again I (stupidly) think I can second guess these kinds of people. I try really hard to guess what they will reply to questions and answers sessions for instance. What I LOVE about them, is that they never say what I anticipate. Which is great.

An example of just how valuable this quality is, is to examine its polar opposite. (This is just an idea and may be worthless BTW). But we all have got to know a troll who posts abusive hate speech about AA in defiance of the regulations Blogger and google imposes upon such acts.
But that's beside the point. What's very interesting is how 'located' his thought forms are. There is nothing inherent in his statements that renders uncertainty in any form. All is certain. All is 'placed'. All is nailed down.
Well I don't think you can nail the universe down. Or any of its constituent elements. There are many clues in his speech which point to greed hatred and delusion, so I'm not claiming to have stumbled upon anything particularly clever here. I'm just saying that the 'fixed position' is the opposite of 'unlocated'.
And that I do not trust any kind of fixed position. I see the exception to the rule, splintering the validity of the 'rule'.
But there you go. Open minded versus fixed closed positions on the world. Nothing new there. But yeah I am in love with the word 'unlocated' at the moment. It is helping me see where I would like my mind to be, and to teach me to learn how to endure the distress in the mind when all attempts to categories and name 'it', fail.
But there you go.

Hehe. Anyway. That's today's pointless meanderings. Like I always say. Amaro say it much, much better than I ever could, and manages mot to sound like a pompous fool when he says them. So if any of this piques your curiosity, then listen to how he explains it in his mp3's. He's very, very good. Well I think so..

And I hope you americans manage to do the 'next right thing' when you vote today. Which I hope you will. I am sure I need not remind you of the voting conditions that led to the last US president being voted in. Basically ALL the votes would appear to count after all, if the last election is anything to go by.
My favorite old timer used to say "Ask yourself.. Which is the most COMPASSIONATE person/party? ..when deciding who to vote for" which I found useful.
We may not have an ideal person or party to vote for, but the least we can do is vote for the lousy best out there and see what happens. If we wait for ideal conditions, we will be waiting a Loooonnng!!!! time! So please follow your conscience and express your right to choose the lousy best out there. It may help or it may not, but you just never !!!!! know. No harm in trying.
So yes, good luck to all you ! anxious americans out there. Hope your nerves are not too shattered. :) Good luck!
Anyway. I'm off. I have essays to write :) as usual! Have yourselves a grand old Tuesday.

Life is a lot more like Vanilla Sky than you would think

Vanilla sky is about a man who is experiencing a nightmare which he believes is his real life until he is FORCED to examine his experience more carefully because of 'pain and unremitting suffering'.
Admittedly. His experience is a bit trippy at times. One person changes into another for instance. So we won't experience it in quite this (!) dramatic way. But yeah. He is dreaming. But he doesn't know it.
The nightmare gets his attention, and he struggles with familiar unconscious parts of himself (the therapist and old friend) in his attempt to make sense of the predicament he finds himself in.

More importantly the film VERY ACCURATELY shows how the TINIEST act can literally pull the whole thing apart.
Not just a mediocre of average thing.
But a SERIOUSLY GREAT, seemingly bullet proof thing.
Yes. I'm afraid that's a reality we are ALL capable of experiencing. At one year sober or 50 years sober. Our flaws and lack of judgment, or innocent oversight can pull everything down around our ears. Everything.

Basically its a lesson in cause and effect, impermanence, (that everything can disappear in a moment) and the maxim, 'you snooze you lose'. Very painfully illustrated by the devastating effect of Toms momentary decision to take a short car ride with Cameron.
Yeah I know its a very theatrical scene in the sense that Cameron acts like a !! total loon in the car, but even if we do not meet total loonys, we can STILL fall foul of poor choices that REALLY land us in it. They can be VERY SMALL and SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT choices. And in their isolated sense, they probably are.
But in regard to the knock on effect down the line. They are NOT.
And that is how the world IS im afraid.
You would become TOTALLY paranoid about the smallest acts if you knew how tragic events trail back to insignificant sources. So its just as well we cannot see the causal links so clearly.
Anyway. I digress. As usual.

But yeah. Life is like vanilla sky. It really is. More so than you realize.
Its a great undiscovered film. Nobody realizes what a great metaphor it is.
Very accurate in a lot of ways.

For those of you that routinely experience the metal tape loop of

"when anyone said they liked me I used to think one of two things.
They were either LYING
Or they were STUPID"

(And I count myself among one of the people that experience that particular mental tape loop of destructive self loathing)
Then the TOTAL MISJUDGEMENT of the love that Toms character HAD during his life THAT HE HAD NO CLUE EXISTED
Is a valuable and VERY HUMBLING lesson.

Yes we are VERY OFTEN oblivious to the love and concern that others REALLY have for us.
That's why we look to ? 'feed' off of other fixes. Food. Tv, anything really to absorb into as an 'out', a way of running away from what Amaro calls 'the craving mind' (Tahana) or the hungry ghost as other call it.

Anyway. In his (Toms) despair, he DOES NOT SEE Penelope's love, or his friends love. He is oblivious to the GOOD people in his life. He FAILS to notice them because he is in pain and cannot see the wood for the trees. But unless you really PRACTICE gratitude and ACTIVELY LOOK for the GOOD people and GOOD things in your life, then YOU TOO will miss these wonderful people in your life. They are there already! You just forget to keep looking out for them! Thank god. We all have SOMEBODY who looks out (of HAS looked out for us). Well I think so. Even if we cannot see them. I am sure they are there.

Anyway I digress yet again.
What im saying is that this film is a fantastic illustration of how we unconsciously 'dream' our existence into being, and how the tiniest acts can destroy or save us. How we do not notice the love around us, and how we GET IT WRONG. ALL. THE. TIME.
Even if we are 'nice people'
Even if we 'mean well'
Even when we 'try hard'
Even when we 'do our best'

So yes we are pretty much at the mercy of our habitual thinking, and view of the world. Every (!!) act and thought counts. You snooze you lose. And sometimes you can lose everything on a dime. The tiniest thing.

Is it any wonder that it is so essential to connect with something greater than ourselves?
To 'move toward and become like' something greater than ourselves in order to make sense of the impeccable complexity partnered with utter simplicity? How in !! Gawds name are we supposed to make ANY sense of it all without that?
I have no idea.
Thank god the ? 'heart wisdom' is infinitely more expansive than the mind and can hold dozens of contradictions in place and STILL see the wood for the trees.
Complicated and simple at the same time. And the faultless infinite complexity need not be a problem. Just a feature of the landscape. Just another 'thing' in the mix.

So yes. The mind just doesn't have a strong enough 'engine' to get you there. Whereas the heart is like some sort of ? portal. A gateway into the world the mind simply cannot see. A landscape that sees all. Can hold it all.

Yes it means dropping the thinking mind temporarily. Which can throw you into BLIND PANIC if the only way you have ever ! Tried to make sense of the world is by being able to frame it in some cozy little mental box of classifications.
But yeah. If you can stand the SQIRMING mind bleating in the background because it can't 'fit' the experience into a neat little box,
AND you can resist the urge to let the mind gallop off like a dog with a stick the !! moment it sees a juicy morsel to THINK about, then you might !! just be able to enjoy a nice moment of what sogyal rinpoche calls Just BE (ing)

Whatever
I have no idea why I decided to type all that.
What I MEANT to say was, Vanilla Sky is a GREAT film and works on MANY levels. All true. So watch it a few times and see what you think.

Imagine (for one horror stricken moment,) that the 'story', might not be such a 'story' after all. But more real than most of the stuff you think of as your daily reality.
Now THAT'S a scary thought. But I am afraid to say I see a lot of reality in that film. Not all of it. But a lot more than you see in most. Which IS scary I suppose.
But never mind eh.
We just do our lousy best and try to stay in (reasonably) fit spiritual condition.
That's all we can do really. Seeing as how we see through the (god dammed) glass SO !!! darkly. Its like we don't really have much choice!

The OTHER great thing about this film, is that it is an accurate reflection of the inherent UNREALITY of the 'nightmare'. is that the nightmare is JUST THAT. A nightmare. Its an illusion. A 'seeming' as Amaro calls it. Important only insofar as to our need to RECOGNIZE it for what it is so that it becomes transparent to us, as opposed to this large looming chunk of reality staring at us. It is not 'real'.
The good news? Like some monk said.. IT IS ALL. ALL. RIGHT. Yet at the same time we are required to be aware of this subtle trick of the mind in order to not be consumed by it. Easy to say. Hard to do.
So there you go. A vaguely cheery note to end on. :)

Heheh
Whatever.
Sorry for rambling on.
It just once I start I cant stop :)

Right Id better go do some mundane household stuff. Go clean the bathroom and put some laundry on.
Same ol same ol basically.

BTW I am tempted to put a ? warning disclaimer on some of these posts because they are not ? Quite what I normally put here, and I am just kindof typing the first thing that comes into my head. So please do not feel that you have to agree with me or like it. Or anything really. Im just thinking out loud. And I may have got it wrong as I am not used to writing about this. So forgive me if I am sounding a bit cr*p. Im afraid its jus one of those things. Its VERY easy (unfortunately) to sound like a bit f a tw*t when you talk about these things, so you will just have to bear with me while I figure out (if ever!) how to write about ? this type of thing without sounding like a grandiose loon. It aint easy!

Hehe. Right off to tackle the bathroom with a strong cup of tea!

In the meantime, have a great Sunday! I on the other hand.. Have some serious cleaning up to do! Hey ho. Amaros 'zen bliss' (a my sister calls it) will keep me amused in the background!

Compassion for the 'enemy': The 114yr old monk who stayed alive to protect his attackers karma

At 35mins into the downloadable mp3 of the talk by Amaro called Listening to the mind there is a cool story which I thought I would share about having compassion for ones enemies. It sort of goes like this. Its a true story but I cant make out the spelling of the monks name. Amaro will know, but I haven't emailed nim to ask.

The true story of great master (cannot tell spelling from audio which is a shame) Siu yung.who at the age of 114 was attacked by the red guard.
He restored monasteries that were being destroyed by the communist party. He was so influential and so loved in china that at the time of the communist revolution the red guard came round and beat him up when he was 114 years old. They beat him with wooden clubs and left him for dead. Broken and bleeding. But he survived. He didn't die.
His fellow monastic took care of him, looked after him and were amazed at his strength and his resilience and he recovered.
Some weeks later the red guard found out he was still alive and they went back and beat him up again with steel bars. Broke his bones, and bust his head and he was incredibly injured. And everyone was sure he was going to die.
He was Incredibly hurt and was in incredible pain. And even his disciples, who loved him dearly, thought, "even though he'd been so injured and so hurt, the great master isn't dying. It must be out of compassion for us, that he's holding on, because he knows how upset we'll be if he passes away.
So they said to him. 'please, don't just hang on to life. Your bones are all broken, your organs are smashed, you're in such terrible pain. Please don't hold on to life just because you think that we will be upset if you pass away. If its time for you to die. Please don't just hang on to life for our sake. "
He said. "its not for you. I am deliberately holding on and staying alive. But its not for you. Its for the soldiers who beat me. Because if I died, the karma that they would create would be so terrible, I couldn't be responsible for that. So I'm staying alive. But its for their sake. Not for you."
And he lived for another SIX years after that. Wisely the communist army left him alone an he lived till 1959."

Nice huh?
Well I liked it.
Just goes to show. There's no excuse for hatred. Amazing !! levels of compassion are possible. Wow.
Right I'm off. Have a fabulous Wednesday!

A little Ego massaging diversion from the repetitive realities of life

Apparently I am the guru! Hehehe.. ermmm. yeah right. As Lydia from Writerquake said.. 'well hardly' but yeah, like her I can recognize myself in some parts of this description. Probably we all can, on some level or other. But that doesn't matter.

"You Are the Guru

You are a naturally good counselor. You are inspiring, encouraging, and compassionate.
You are eager to help everyone who crosses your path, even those who don't want to be helped.

You are a natural healer. People feel at peace when they are with you.
You are so good for people, in fact, that they go through withdrawal once you're gone.

You quietly do your own thing, without openly resisting. You secretly try to fix every problem.
Your biggest regret is not being able to help as many people as you'd like."

Cool. No mention of 'restless, irritable and discontent' which is always nice to hear! If somewhat (!!!) idealistic. ..but hey what do you expect..they seem to have ! skipped the fallible human bit, but I'm not complaining! Rose tinted? Bring it on! hehee

Go check out the link and get yourself a blemish-free character portrayal from this site. A little bit of pointless ego massaging can be fun if you take it with a pinch of salt..
What role do you play?

I got it from johnos blog, who found it through Lydia @ Writerquake who also appears to be a guru! Cool! There are clearly far more Gurus and Kings around than I thought there were!
Its kind of fun :)

Tired? SUPER healthy RAW veg soup that tastes like 'normal' veg soup to give you more energy

When I am stressed and have a LOT on, eating raw vegtables can double my energy levels and allows my body and mind to cope with the flurry of activity. I get more done. I need less sleep. I call this 'exam food', as I used it when I was sleeping very little coming up to exams. Partly because I was a bit wired about the exams and partly because I was trying to revise as many hours as I could. I figured out a few raw food recipes, but i particularly liked this one.
Its just a variation of bog standard miso soup, but including a BIG serving of RAW broccoli (or some other green veg) to be eaten without you ever noticing ! you are eating raw food.

Just thought I would share that with you as I 'discovered' this last Easter when I REALLY needed all the physical and mental energy I could get my hands on!
Its a neat trick. Raw foods made a HUGE impact on my energy levels and I am not much good at eating tons of raw veg in their 'normal' state, (apart from carrot sticks which are EASY) so this soup was a way of sneaking MORE raw broccoli etc into my diet without me noticing. It seemed to work! I was sleeping for two to three hours and getting up and doing a full days revision. I would wake at 2am and start studying because I was wide awake. So yeah, it enables you to crank more hours out of the day. Oh and of course MASSES of cups of tea help to keep me awake as well!

Tastes like 'normal' vegetable soup to me. I would have NO idea it was all raw veg added to previously boiled water. Its a kind of comfort food. I think it tastes great. You may hate it and that's fine too! It sounds a bit bleh! But tastes like the 'proper' vegetable soups they serve in fancy restaurants in central London. If you like DECENT broccoli or veg soup, (as opposed to the glutinous artificial stuff you get in tins and packets), you will like this. Its tastes better than it sounds. Basically. Sounds a bit 'goody two shoes' (meaning a bit cr*p) but actually tastes really nice. Well I think so..

So in the time it takes to boil some ginger and garlic for five minutes and whizz some broccoli in the blender, your meal is ready!
I can have two HUGE bowls of this in one sitting as a meal. It really feeds the body without making you feel 'stuffed'.
The only fats are in the Udo oil blend, but they are essentail fats, so that is ok. But go easy on the oil. You don't need much.

This amount will serves one hungry person or two very restrained people. Makes 2 BIG bowls of very low calorie and extremely nutritious soup. Its an instant food in that you have to eat it as soon as you make it as it the vegetables will oxidize and become less raw if you leave it. Raw shredded vegetables generally are much better if you eat them straight away.

The cooking part
2 cloves of Garlic
Fresh Ginger
5-10 Almonds if you want protein
A mushroom or two if you want.

Put a pint and a half water in pot. Add Marigold Organic Swiss Vegetable Bouillon Low Salt Cubes (small amount) Bring to the boil.
While the waer is coming to the boil, pulverise ginger, garlic, almonds, mushrooms in magimix using big rotating blade. Put the 'mooshed' bits into the water.
Let it rapid boil for 5 minutes or so.
While its boiling, use a hand blender in the pan to whizz it up even more

Turn the heat off. Let the water calm down.
Add all the other ingredients and then use the hand blender in the pan to pulverize it all and mix it up
Serve immediately

The raw ingredients.
Raw vegetables. Can be:
Head of Broccoli
Pack of Sugar snap peas
Bag of Raw spinach leaves
A bag of Alfalfa Sprouts, or mixed sprouts

Ideally something GREEN. Not too starchy. I haven't tried Savoy cabbage, as I really like the broccoli version. All are 'mooshed' in the magimix and then added to the previously boiled water once the heat has been turned off.

The raw condiments
Organic Miso paste
Organic Sprouted Flax Powder
Marigold Engevita Nutritional Yeast Flakes
Udo's Choice Ultimate Oil Blend or another 3, 6 9 oil.
You can also add Bragg Liquid Amino Seasoning but its a bit salty so you probably wont need it.

No added salt or pepper
Miso and Bouillon add salt
Raw ginger acts as pepper

If you add bread to the soup, it will make you tired and reduce the energizing effects significantly. Bread just makes you TIRED. Oh well. Plus its addictive! ..For people like me anyway!

Another good healthy food is brown basamti rice with chick peas or some other kind of pulse. The Udo oil, yeast flakes, flax sprouts and amino seasoning added at the end make it even more nutritious.
I am not so good at this food because it is more starchy and I can eat rice like it Is going out of fashion. But yeah. This gives the body all it wants in terms of nutrients. Apparently. Rice and beans is a staple vegetarian meal.

Right I'm off. Have a great Tuesday!

The World (of the 'Self') that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth

At the risk of sounding like someone who does not really know !!! (at ALL) what they are talking about, (!) I thought I would share this..
I KNOW I am not the greatest (!!) Authority about this, but I am very excited about this, like I am with most new things I am TRYING to learn, and in my attempt to understand it better myself, I thought that if I TRIED to put it into my own words, it MIGHT make more sense to me, or I might just organize my thoughts better so here goes...
(It helps me even if it makes no sense to you whatsoever!! Heehe )

The above utube (here is a link to the Matrix blue/red pill scene because the link above appears to be no longer working. The part I like starts 50 seconds in.) the is a dialogue clip from the Matrix which I think works as a VERY useful metaphor on loads of levels. A metaphor for The 'dream world' we inhabit when we are 'captivated' or 'caught up' by the hopelessly ! misleading (but VERY compelling) information habitually flooding our senses and mind. A metaphor for the underlying reality of Non duality that goes unseen. No self: the illusion of self. Non existence of time: the illusion of time.

Its like we are little babies getting distracted by a 'glittering bauble' being dangled in front of our eyes, and we are failing to notice all the OTHER !! conditions around us. All we can see is the 'glittery thing' that glints and catches our attention. The glittery thing is sight, sound, the chatter and murmurings of the mind. The WORDLESS BELIEFS in the mind. The surges of the mind to ? GET something, or get AWAY from something. Primal SURGES of one thing or another. Such as..
Can I eat it? Can it eat me? Can I mate with it? .. (As Amaro says in his talks) They take centre stage, And we don't even notice. Shame really.

Or they HIJACK us from the wings with whispered blurry unquestioned half-truths we just never think to question because they feel so .. 'normal'.
Basically the way our senses and our mind are conditioned to interpret the world is very partial, habitual, and accepted unquestioningly.
If you look closer what you find is all the senses look hopelessly inadequate. And the way the mind habitually interprets them is very lazy and pathetically caught up in itself. Not logical at all. If you calm down enough to see ? 'past' all the mental chatter and pointless mind meanderings, and actually question the reliability of the information coming in via the senses, it all starts to look a LOT !! More insubstantial. Like a cloud passing by. Vapor. So one the 'worldly objects' are reduced to ? Nothing containing any substance. Whereas the space in which all those things arise and disappear takes on a WHOLE new significance and looks like the REAL thing going on in the background.
Or something.

Anyway. Its what's BEHIND all that ? activity we get caught up in, that Is interesting. The more quiet the mind gets, the easier it is to watch for those pauses between breaths of bits of inactivity. Plus as you get more chilled out with all the different distracting baubles floating about in the ? Mind, then you can kind of watch them without breaking a sweat and stand firm, resisting the tidal surge to heedlessly follow each new impulse.
Basically kind of watch the 'show' from the sidelines, instead of being IN the 'show'.
And when you do that, you start to see that the 'show' is not really YOU.
Just some weird sh*t 'happening' on the stage in front of you.
Anyway. When that happens, the whole sense of identity shifts from a 'personal' ME to a more ? Impersonal ? Awareness. Not a ME. Something else. A cooler ? Something ? else, which is not a ME.
Anyway. Whatever it is. It feels more spacious. More free. Less personal. Not from the world of ? THOUGHT. Comes from a ? Feeling place. A 'quiet knowing'.
Its nice whatever it is.
But yeah every time you start congratulating yourself on what a COOL person you are for managing to get even ! This far. You are immediately SUCKED back onto the stage where you are right back to being a ME again. Sheesh..
There are no days off basically.
But yeah its a nice trick. Anyone can do it I reckon.
Its quite funny. There you are sitting watching the show. Trying VERY hard to resist the urge to listen to a POINTLESS CONVERSATION going on in the row behind you (somewhere else in the mind) that sounds TERRIBLY INTERESTING, and you manage that, but then don't notice SELF has appeared in the form of a self congratulatory remark, and you start listening to it and BINGO. There you are. Back in the self again. Just goes on and on really. Just when you think you've got it. You don't! Hahaah. Funny old game.

I'm pleased with my progress of my awareness of the 'show' WITHOUT getting caught up in it, when it feels similar to someone persistently COUGHING when you are trying to concentrate on your golf swing. Like I am the golfer, and the coughing is NOT putting me off. Like that really. The ? Reptile brain or Mara as the Buddha liked to call it. The ? 'Evil tempter.' Is ALWAYS trying to put us off our game. And 99.9% of the time it wins. !
But its nice to score a few points against Mara every now and again. Not get SUCKED IN to some POINTLESS inner drama or DISTRACTION, and instead notice the glittering baubles dangling alluringly in the consciousness, are NOT ALL THAT. That there is actually something a LOT more SIGNIFICANT and RESONANT going on VERY quietly in the background. The land of no self. Cool!

But yeah. Sometimes the 'bauble' is indifference, disinterest, dullness. lethargy or boredom. All those are not what you would call a 'quiet' mind. A very sleepy mind! But not a quiet one. So snoozing, or having a mental tea-break, or being 'zoned out' doesn't count I'm afraid! Never mind eh? Rome wasn't built in a day as they say..

Anyway. When you get a better sense of the underlying stuff, you feel a bit SWINDLED by the mind and the senses, and the SELF it conjures up. In much the same way as you feel a bit swindled by the whole 'getting drunk is great' notion after you stop drinking for any length of time. You think... Why didn't anyone tell me it was like THIS??? Jeez. There I have been believing all this SELF sh*te for gawd knows how long, when in fact it was some poxy MIRAGE masquerading as SUBSTANCE. Whatever.
Well that's kind of what it feels like. Like most things. Once you see them for yourself, they seem OBVIOUS and you feel completely CONNED all the time you had no idea. Oh well. Never mind.
Thank you Mr Amaro for helping me look in the right direction and helping me see that. Even if it was just a ! glimpse. It all helps. Doesn't 'cure' me of my senses, but at least I have a SLIGHTLY ! better idea of what I am up against.

In this clip (the way I see it anyway) the 'prison' is the 'world' (meaning 5 senses and the MIND,) and the object being imprisoned by the senses and the chattering mind is the IMPERSONAL existence of 'no-self.' Poor ol NO SELF doesn't get a chance, because there is this MASSIVE smokescreen of SELF going on. MY nose, MY ears, MY thoughts. MY emotions.. etc etc. Yeah right! Look a little closer and there's NOTHING there. ..Meaning the REAL me isn't the endless flow of thoughts emotions and god knows what else. its the ? 'thing' (some people call it the witness) that is AWARE of all that trivial and pretty pointless mind-stuff. Timeless, impersonal unconditioned awareness. not a 'thing'. not a 'person'. Just plain ol awareness! A universal quality. Not a ME quality. Cool not hot. Undistracted not distracted. Steady not fluctuating. There just isn't ANYTHING 'personal' about it.

Anyway here's the part of the Matrix script I like:
I can see it in your eyes.
You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees,
Because he is expecting to wake up.
Ironically, this is not far from the truth....
Do you believe in fate, Neo?
No.
Why?
Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life.
I know.. exactly what you mean.

Let me tell you why you're here.
You're here because you know something.

What you know you can't explain.
But you feel it.
You've felt it your entire life.

That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there...
Like a splinter in you're mind.
Driving you mad.

It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?

The Matrix?

Do you want to know..what it is?

The Matrix is everywhere.
It's all around us
Even in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window.
Or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work.
When you pay your taxes.

The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes,
to blind you from the truth.

What truth?

That you are a slave, Neo.
Like everyone else.
You were born into bondage
Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch.
A prison...for your mind.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is.
You have to see it for yourself.

This is your last chance.
After this. There is no turning back.
You take the blue pill.
The story ends.
You wake up.
And believe.. whatever you want to believe.

You take the red pill.
You stay in wonderland.
And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes

What do you WANT to happen? Well then, ..IMAGINE living !! that reality

The above video is Adventures in Success by Will Powers.
This ? Trick was called Metaphysics by ? booksellers. All the books i bought ages ago had the typed label 'Metaphysics' as a subject guide on the back. Perhaps they classify them as something else now. I dont know as I haven't looked at a new one for at least ? 10 years.
It is encapsulated (as are so man other realities) by one of my favorite ! slogans:

You MOVE TOWARDS, and BECOME LIKE, THAT WHICH YOU THINK ABOUT, whether it is good for you, or bad for you

Similar slogans are:
You'll see it when you believe it
"We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thought. With our thoughts, we make our world." ~The Buddha
What you 'see' is what you 'get'
Thoughts Become Things...choose the good ones!

Basically. Whatever you tend to dwell on shows up more and MORE.
So if you have a habitually complaining mind. Guess what shows up? Yep. More of the complain type stuff. Well that's what I find.
Like attracts like.
The same principle is explained in the film The Secret
Cosmic ordering works along the same principle. There are a ton of books on Metaphysics. Called Manifestation, cosmic ordering and gawd knows what else. TONS of books basically all saying just about the same thing.

The AA version goes like this:
"The more you think about the problem, the bigger the problem gets. The more you think about the solution, the bigger the solution gets."
or:
"When I focus on what's good today, I have a good day, and when I focus on what's bad, I have a bad day. If I focus on a problem the problem increases: if I focus on the answer, the answer increases."
(p451, AA Big Book) Third Edition. Personal stories: Doctor, Alcoholic Addict

ANYWAY.
The jist is.
You IMAGINE living the ? Thing you want. And well.. This is where it starts sounding a bit ! Odd. Well I find that it pretty much tends to come into being.
I'm a little lazy with this technique as I tend to wait untill my back is against the wall and I really need to GET (whatever it is) sorted in a very short while, and THEN I get round to doing this!
But yeah. Every time I do it, it seems to work.
SO while I am on a short study break I am going to do some of this stuff. Jobs id like to get down the line, etc etc. I feel no sense of urgency at the moment because I don't have any ? Immediate problems as such, but it will help me no end if I get a CRYSTAL CLEAR image in my mind of EXACTLY the reality I would like to see myself in.

Reminds me of that song Adventure in Success by Will powers.
But I much prefer the Stanton Warriors version which is not for sale on iTunes, which is a total drag.
Stanton Warriors - Adventures In Success by 679 Recordings If you REALLY want I can tell you where you can get an mp3 of the 679 vinyl track, but you'll have to email me!

So ! STOP!!!!!!! Dwelling on the PROBLEM
Think instead of " What would it look like WITHOUT !! the problem?"
Go on! Imagine it!!!!
Yes. It requires a bit of imagination and WORK. But yeah its worth it.
Sit down and paint the picture. Write it down. Like a list.
Then step into the shoes of the new imaginary You and see how it feels to be that person. To have that life. To feel inside the way you always wanted to feel inside. Imagine what it feels like to be 'there' NOW.
What's it like? Was it what you thought it would be ?
Interesting isn't it?
And just 'visit' this new you by stepping into the shoes for 5mins a day or so. A little trip to the new psyche you always wanted, and just 'be' in that new persona for 5 mins or so. Like breaking in a new pair of shoes. Till it starts feeling VERY normal. Usual. Same ol same ol.

Oh yeah. This ? type of 'exercise' is included in my Step 2 with Sponsees. They are required (as I was) to get to see their powerlessness AND unmanageablity in Step 1. A very specific, CRYSTAL CLEAR list of their failings. Their inabilty to control their drinking, etc.
In Step 2 I asked them on EACH failing. "What would it look like WITHOUT !! the problem?"
so htey had to go away and think.. "What would it look like WITHOUT !! the alcohol problem?" (ie the need or desire to drink) and they would imagine things like..
''I am having the MOST fun at this party and I am the only one not drinking! Heheee
"I feel fantastic! when I'm out and about, and the thought of a drink could not be further away from my list of things I want to do this evening!"
I LOVE! not drinking. Not drinking when i'm with people seems like the most natural thing in the world!"
"I LOVE dancing on the speakers/ tables sober! Falling off them is no longer a problem! Ha!"
etc etc. You get the picture.
WHY do they do this? Because ther is NO POINT in asking a higher power to 'restore you to sanity' if you have NO CLUE what 'sanity' looks like!!! The EASIER it is to 'see' what sanity IS, the more motivated you will be to get there!
I see no point in mouthing the ords of the steps if all they are is just a WORD. I want each sponsee to know EXACTLY what sanity would look like IN THIER LIFE.
After all the Big Book tells us we need to be SPECIFIC (p20, AA Big Book) (ie not vague) in the ay we do the steps. So a VAGUE understanding of what sanity IS, will NOT DO. Heheh.
Step 2 is like dangling a carrot in front of the sponsee.
Once they see what sanity looks like, they get excited about getting well. they start looking forward to step 9. thank GOD. Makes my job easier, and thats all that matters !!! Hhehee

Another cool trick is to imagine a person you admire. (Can be anyone)
Think of all the cool things you like about them. Why you appreciate them.
Imagine them standing in the room with you.
Stand up and walk over to where they 'are'. Stand inside their 'space'.
See the world through their eyes.
What does the world look like now?
How do you feel about the situations presenting themselves to you now?

Lyrics to Adventures in Success by Will Powers.
"You are an important person.
A rare individual.
A unique creature.
There has never been anyone just like you and never will be.
You have talents and abilities no one else has.
In some ways you're superior to any other living person.
The power to do ANYTHING you can imagine is within you when you discover your real self by practicing a few simple laws of success.

First law of success.
Take inventory of your assets.
Don't be modest or critical.
Be open and objective.
Get a pencil and paper.
Write down every good thins about yourself you can think of.

Second law of success.
Write a description of the person you'd like to be.
Describe your personal dress, your home, your automobile, your desired occupation and income.
Be HONEST.
Now, go even deeper
Describe the INNER person you'd like to be.
Let your mind run WILD.
Assume you can become ANYTHING that you desire.
The fact is, you WILL become the person you HONESTLY describe.
You CAN'T avoid it.

Third law of success.
Concentrate on a mental image of the person you'd like to be.
Paint a picture in your imagination of who you want to become.
Constantly hold this visual in your mind's eye.
See yourself performing and responding like a champion.
Feel the confidence and courage that RADIATE from this type of person.

These three laws are powerful and effective in changing lives.
They'll work for you without fail if you're persistent in applying them."

If you liked this track, other slightly corny but enjoyable ones are on Will Powers Dancing For Mental Health listed here with mp3 samples. But the Stanton warriors 679 Breakbeat version of Adventures in Success is my personal favorite.

Right. On that note! I'm off! Have a fabulous Tuesday!