About Me

My photo
I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Avoiding angry people and Impulse Control

Jeez. I get as FAR away from angry people as I POSSIBLY can. I try to leave the room or area before they finish the FIRST angry sentence. If someone 'lost it' I would simply excuse myself. I CERTAINLY would not hang about or try to reason with them. The only times I seem to get caught out is when I am so shocked by their outburst that my mind goes a bit blank.

I hate to say it, but I find a LOT of AA's behavior pretty disappointing. Obviously there are some REAL kindnesses exchanged within AA. Lots of fellowship, service and all that. But when push comes to shove, and you unwittingly trigger their 'stuff', there can be a real ! lack of impulse control, a real lack of self restraint when it comes to 'reining in' their angry impulses. Some AA's think they are being 'honest' by expressing their anger at a situation. Its a bit f***ed up really. Of course there are the doormat or repressed types too, but they are angry too, just not expressing it openly. If they feel 'safe' enough to vent their reservations with you, it can be pretty unpleasant! I just don't 'buy' that concept of 'honesty'. It's a personal attack. Nothing more.

You know what though? I suffer from the SAME kind of defensive irrationality when exposed to certain triggers. But then I am pretty messed up emotionally, compared to more ? normal types. I can experience overpowering internal upheavals when a fundamental core belief is challenged. The difference between me and AA's who act out when they feel angry, is that I do not TRUST anger. I know it means I am full of s**t and it will keep me blind. Keep me stuck. It is because I WANT to move on that I am willing to NOT give in to it. Besides, I know I will go off course if I allow myself to get dragged along by the current. Its called MORAL RESTRAINT. Its actually VERY important. So much hinges on 'keeping our side of the street clean'. Well I think so.

Denial is just plain weird, and in order to overcome it, we have to not 'give in' to the anger, and let it run riot through the system. Only then do we have a chance to come to our senses and see what an idiot we have been. Once I have cooled down I think my anger was utter madness, embarrassing and pathetic. But that moment comes much sooner rather than later if I REFUSE to act on it. That's my best chance. Anger is like hot metal, not easy to handle! It requires some impulse control!

I suppose I like to think of myself as a 'strong vessel', able to contain pretty powerful emotional states without flinching, so to speak. That's one of the best things step 11 has given me.

No comments: