About Me

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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

The Gift of Desperation, E.E., Sharing for the Newcomer, and Wise as Serpents

Yeh, sometimes they call it 'The Gift of Desperation'.
It IS a gift. Trust me! I was lucky. I had it.

Ii always say. "I was a member of EE before I was a member of AA, 'Everything Else'. Yeah. NOTHING !!!! worked.

Not therapy.
Not self help books.
Not all the self knowledge I got from all those self help books.
Not success at work.
Not friends at work.
Not al anon. **(see bottom of post)
Not having a higher power in al anon
Not working the 'hazeltwig' steps in al anon. (Sorry all you 'hazeltwig' fans out there!) It just didn't work for ME, ok? :)
Not going to al anon meeting every day
not helping people in al anon.
Not kindnesses and concern from people in al anon
Not having fellowship in al anon
Not 'just not drinking'.
Not 'trying to be a better person'.
Not throwing myself into work to take my mind off it.
Not stopping eating sugar.
Not crying hoping the tears would eventually run out.
Not staying in bed thinking I needed some rest.
Not time off.

Diddly squat. Nothing.
I was back at square one.

I fell apart anyway.

I was losing my mind. PROPERLY losing my mind. In a really NOT FUNNY way. In a scary 'One flew over the cuckoos nest' way. And it was getting WORSE.

So I KNEW when I got to AA, that there was a bit more !! to the steps than meets the eye.
I did NOT plan on repeating my errors in al anon.
It was like 'close but no cigar'. (But that's another post)

I was missing ! something. I KNEW it. There was something I had just !!! missed. Not noticed. I needed to look a LITTLE BIT HARDER, and be a LITTLE BIT SHREWDER in my approach. I needed to REALLY study the way different people were trying to get well.
I figured if I got it wrong a SECOND time. That would be IT. There was very little 'battery power' left. In retrospect I think that was a pretty accurate assessment. I KNEW I had to GET IT RIGHT this time.

That's why Jesus said to the disciples,
"Be as gentle as doves, BUT AS WISE AS SERPENTS"
Well, without realizing it at the time, THAT"S what I was doing. I STILL do it. I pay CLOSE attention to things. Well I try to anyway.

I looked at who was just talking for the sake of looking good, and who was actually speaking to ME when they shared. The (metaphorically) BATTERED and BLEEDING, raw newcomer.

'Luck' played a part in me finding my home group, but It was actually really easy to 'see'. My heart 'felt' the language spoken instantly. It soothed my emotional lacerations. It was like balm. It made me feel safe.

One person just REALLY stood out in that respect. I followed my nose. Yeah I checked him out too. He checked out fine. I wanted what he had, so I found out how he did the steps, and then I persuaded a female sponsor in the 'chain' of his Sponsees to take me through the steps.
I've been following my 'nose' ever since. I can just tell when people give a damm or not. Hey a lot of people are just too busy. Or ambivalent. Whatever. But I have always been drawn to those people who have an indefinable ?? something that tells me they care whether I live or die. It helps if in addition to that, they KNOW THEIR SUBJECT.
I confess, I get !!! Pretty irritated when people have a contradictory or muddled view of ANY doctrine. I LOVE clarity. Immediate simple answers. No 'fluff'. Like the big book says:

"The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight." Doctors opinion. PXXVI
Meaning NOT 'fluff'. Yeah I have a pretty low tolerance for what I call 'fluff'. I admit it. Heeheh

When I did what those people suggested, my burden became just SLIGHTLY lighter. That's how I KNEW these people weren't full of s**t. I tested their doctrine. And it worked. For the first time in my WHOLE GOD DAMMED LIFE, something WORKED. So that was it. I was sold. I remember how SHOCKED I was that something could actually lessen my pain. It was an AMAZING revelation. Blew me away.

**(by the way I LOVE al anon, don't get me wrong. Its just I needed to be in AA, NOT al anon, and that's why it wasn't working. If I have time, I try to get to an al anon meeting now. They're cool.)

Yeh I know I might sound like a judgmental B***H sometimes, Because I have a very DEFINITE ! way of expressing myself sometimes!, but you'll just have to take my word for it, (if that's what you're thinking) that actually you couldn't be further from the truth. I have the LOWEST of tolerances for what is known as 'taking a position', (which is basically the OPPOSITE of being OPEN MINDED), but I will have to explain that in ANOTHER POST. That's a WHOLE other doctrine!
Jeez so much stuff!

Right I'm OFF! See y'all.


Syd said...

I get a lot from going to open AA meetings. I think that there is more obvious recovery and harder work going on in AA than in Al-Anon. I know that I belong in Al-Anon but I need to hear the message from AA because the words give me strength and understanding.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

I think Al anon offers a completely different 'flavour' of recovery. A 'softer' version. and i mean that in a GOOD way. soft as in the opposite of a 'hard heart'. i needed to get to aa to survive. but now my survival is no longer the issue, I can enjoy what al anon offers. when I get round to going! Meaning im not very good at showing up!
Nice to see you syd. glad you didnt think i dont like al anon because I have a LOT of respect for the work people do there. They are the complete opposite of control freaks. its very refreshing!