The desire to rant stems from some sort of problem that has arisen.
Pretending the problem does not exist is NOT correct.
That would be REPRESSION. PRETENCE. PRETENDING.
NONE of these are HONEST, so this choice does not comply with AA doctrine.
Addressing the problem.
Looking for a solution to the problem.
Asking for advice or feedback from others in relation to the problem.
Trying out different approaches that have been suggested,
and SEEING FOR YOURSELF what WORKS.
..Are ALL PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS which are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to address whatever problem we encounter.
So when I say 'don't rant' I DO NOT mean
'Say NOTHING about this problem you have encountered'.
'Just pray. But don't talk to me about it'.
'keep this problem to yourself'.
Its NOT about THE CHOICE TO SPEAK about the problem or not.
Its about HOW you speak about the problem.
Ie. It is about LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PROBLEMS TO OTHERS IN A SKILLFUL WAY.
If something is 'skilful' it just means that your actions DO NOT HARM OTHERS.
Frequently. Newer AA's HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HARM IS.
This is usually because they HAVE NOT COMPLETED STEP 8.
Which is the first REAL education as to the EXACT nature of 'harm'.
Until then, AA;s rarely understand this concept.
They feel guilty for EVERYTHING
They feel guilty for not submitting to unacceptable demands
They are easily bullied into thinking they 'ought' to be doing something.
They can 'explode over a trifle'
They can INTERPRET MANY NEUTRAL OR HARMLESS comments or actions as an ATTACK
They are very inconsiderate in that they have VERY high expectations of others. They 'get the hump' when other people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND them.
So what I'm saying,
Is that they SEE harm where NONE EXISTS.
And they SEE NO HARM where harm REALLY DOES exist.
So. This is why it can be hard to explain to them how to,
COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEM WITHOUT RANTING, BLAMING, OR DUMPING.
The problem with ranting is the ATTITUDE of the speech.
Or the INCONSIDERATE NATURE of the speech.
I say to people who rant or dump.
"Do YOU like it, when people talk to you about a problem AS IF THE PROBLEM IS SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT. Or that there is an IMPLIED ATTITUDE that you are SUPPOSED to 'fix' them?"
"Do YOU like it, when people just go ON and ON about 'how crummy their life is', for HOUR upon HOUR, just ranting and bleating?"
They ALWAYS say no.
I say "Well then, why do you KEEP DOING THAT to other people?"
"Don't you care about the way you are making them feel?"
"Why don't you TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED?"
Its surprising what a revolutionary concept this can be for some alcoholics.
They act in a terribly selfish and inconsiderate way, and then they wonder why they are driving people away.
Its very simple
Life is pretty much about CONSTANT THOUGHT OF OTHERS.
Failure to behave in considerate and thoughtful ways, means you will feel VERY ALONE.
Obviously not all alcoholics are like this, but we ALL have this to some extent. To this day, I can STILL see 'blind spots' where I am not engaging with the needs of others IN CERTAIN AREAS.
Its an ongoing 'battle' against the 'self'. The 'ego'.
Learning to be unselfish and kind to our fellow men is a lesson we will NEVER stop learning.
- An Irish Friend of Bill
- I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Harmful Speech: Communicating problems (in order to seek help) WITHOUT Ranting or Dumping
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
Post a Comment