About Me

My photo
I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

It's STILL very !! exasperating to be around STUBBORN denial in my Dad

Jeez. My dad STILL pisses me off! (sometimes!)
He's in complete denial.
I brought up something in passing I've thought about many times but didn't get round to saying and he did his 'usual'.
!!!!!
Its VERY exasperating!
I HATE illogical, skewed, entrenched mindsets!!
I have VERY little patience with denial in other people. And he is VERY entrenched in his 'head in the sand' view of this thing. He thinks my mother was 'the sanest of us all'. Just so you know. She was not even REMOTELY sane. In my opinion anyhow.
Dear God I've heard it all now.
!!!!!!!
He said he thought my view was DISTORTED. (!!!)
That really got my back up.
And he just wouldn't listen to ANY of my reasons why her being 'the sanest of us all', just MIGHT !!! not be the case, and volunteered to change the subject instead.
We agreed to disagree. As usual.
Anyway he's been living 'rent free in my head' for the last hour or so while I've been cleaning the kitchen.

I would SORELY love to talk some sense to him, but I do NOT want to WIND MYSELF UP by doing so. I have VERY little optimism regarding my ability to change his perspective, and I HATE exposing myself to such pitiful mental cowardice. It's just NOT worth it.

He is NEVER going to change.
He is in COMPLETE denial.
And I am NOT feeling GENEROUS enough to 'try to help him see it from another point of view'.

Sometimes I hate being 'the one who sees' things in my family. It's a BIG responsibility because in a way I get to control (via my efforts to communicate and explain what I have learned), how much others get to understand.
I have always felt like this. Since before I was five. I'm probably just feeling sorry for myself because sometimes I just want SOMEBODY else to 'pick up the slack'.

The GOOD news is, that even though (in my family) I have always felt the 'burden' of being kind of the 'ONLY sane one'. (Yeah I know that sounds arrogant, but it's the TRUTH about how I have always FELT.}
Well, like I say, even though I have felt like 'the person who 'sees' most' in the family since before I was five, and I get VERY tired of the isolation of that position sometimes.
Well OUTSIDE my family. Mostly in AA and the 'spiritual friends' I have met since recovery, I have been blessed with getting to know some of the the most wonderful 'elders' one could wish to meet. So in that respect I am EXTRAORDINARILY lucky.

I may be over dramatizing, but my family and my 'spiritual friends' can seem like utter, ! utter, opposites. Couldn't be more different.

So I suppose it's kind of swings and roundabouts.
I know enough about the flaws in perception to know that I may NEVER know 'what was what' in my family, but I must admit, that it is hard dealing with them sometimes. Basically, they are a bit toxic. A bit needy. I know they mean well, but I don't want to be around them very much at the moment.

Cool. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest! I feel better now!
I hate to speak like this because I think it could be interpreted as being VERY arrogant. But it was bugging me so I just thought I'd mention it.

Thank God !!! for our 'Spiritual family' That's all I can say!
Sorry for that uncharacteristic rant! But I actually feel MUCH better now, and you never know, it might be of use to someone else out there!

1 comment:

Noor Azman Othman GBE said...

Rant it out, my friend. I'm a good listener and a good reader to your post too. Rant it, raves it, it will do you good. No point to keep it inside you, bottled it up, it could explode.

I wish you're feeling better now.