About Me

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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Calling all DOORMATS: Don't confuse being DEFENSIVE and SHIRTY with 'Sticking up for yourself'

Doormats (ie people who LACK ASSERITVENESS SKILLS) nearly ALWAYS have a problem with ANGER. Especially when they begin to realize they are being doormats.
Women can be the WORST offenders in this category. Not always. But its a common mistake I see women making.
Sort out your anger ladies!!! Life is TOO SHORT!!!

'Proper' assertiveness is VERY CALM. Not NEUROTIC, or AGITATED.
Just a sincere desire to re-establish arrangements in such a way as to cause least friction.
If you are full of resentment. SAY NOTHING!! You will only say something that makes you look like an uptight old bag. Which is not attractive I can tell you!
So, if you are angry, stay away till you have stopped frothing at the mouth!, and then ask politely for a different arrangement.
I've seen this SO many times with women that perceive themselves to have been 'victims' and want to try to be attentive.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Like any new skill, you will do it BADLY to begin with. But don't worry, you'll get better!

What assertiveness isn't:
Defensive. Aggressive. Shirty. Agitated, Rancor, Accusatory. Sarcastic. Blaming. Indignant. Pissed off. Narky. Arsey. Smart ass. Flustered. Knickers in a twist. Frothing at the mouth.

What assertiveness is:
Calm. Un neurotic. Clear. Unflustered

Here's some definitions:

excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings.
Psychology Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one's shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.

Shirty: Bad-tempered; irritable; cranky.

Sarcasm is SNEERING, jesting, or MOCKING a person, situation or thing. It is strongly associated with irony, with some definitions classifying it as a type of verbal irony INTENEDED TO INSULT OR WOUND -- stating the opposite of the intended meaning, e.g. using "that's amazing" to mean "that's awful". It is used in a humorous manner, often harshly, and is expressed through vocal intonations such as over-emphasizing the actual statement or particular words. Use of sarcasm is sometimes viewed as an expression of CONCEALED ANGER

As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from AGGRESSION and PASSIVITY. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that RESPECTS THE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES OF OTHERS. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.
Link here

1 comment:

Meg Moran said...

I slip back and forth...its a process!