Here's a good way of looking at it. How many friends do you have that are like the person you are attracted to? How many people like him do you have NON SEXUAL relationship with? If the answer is none, then ask yourself why? In other words, take the sex out of the equation and see if they STILL have something worthwhile.
So many people choose a partner they would NEVER seek out as a friend. Unless you HONESTLY gravitate to people like them on a NON SEXUAL basis, you HAVE to question your perception of their 'redeeming qualities' as filtered through the VERY distorting lens of sexual attraction. Lust is a big thing and you wouldn't be the first person to get their brain stuck in their pants from time to time. Ah, the human condition! Don't you just love it?
Delusion is a BIG part of the mind and we NEVER outgrow it, so its no big deal. You are not responsible for what comes into your head, but you ARE responsible for how you deal with it.
Also I hope you've noticed that we see, not what is in front of us, but pretty much what we WANT TO SEE. Basically ALL perception is highly suspect. We end up filtering reality, so that what we see only confirms our pet theories. It takes a brave soul to question perception and maintain awareness of our biases in relation to what we WANT to see.
I can guarantee that in the early stages of infatuation you do Not want to see that your other half is not really compatible. And this will make it VERY difficult for you to be impartial and objective about this aspect of your reality. You're all loved up mate!
And in case you didn't already know, the world is full of REALLY lovely men that love women, who do NOT drink to excess or take drugs. It takes a bit of work to find them, but they ARE out there. I always say to people who choose problem partners/AA partners, 'What's wrong with all the really fit/cool non-alcoholics out there?' Why not pick one of them? Personally, I think non-alcoholics ROCK! But that's just my preference of partner...
All I know is that part of remaining teachable for me, means being willing to accept uncomfortable truths. whether they are convenient or not.
The pet theory is a VERY strong mindset. We all have our own cosy little ideologies of some sort or another. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong in a completely disastrous way. And most of the time we cannot tell which is which. In hindsight yes. But certainly not before.
So all I'm saying is don't be so sure that the approach you are using and the beliefs you are using as benchmarks are right, or reliable. They may not be.
I DO have high expectations of the people I choose to let into my life. AA or otherwise. And I avoid problem people like the plague unless I have no choice but to deal with them. For instance at work, or when working with newcomers or doing service.
As for dealing with issues. I have boatloads of those. I have plenty of 'stuff' to deal with. I might add, I don't 'act out'- thanks to restraint of tongue and pen. Life happens to me just like it happens to everyone else. Death, illness, weird stuff, accidents, family strife, relationship 'stuff'. You name it. If I didn't do the 'ninja' approach, I would be a train wreck. But I'm not.
I adhere to the belief that 'nothing holds true under all circumstances'. And therefore I do not adhere to any one set of 'rules'. For me, everything is on a case by case basis. I WISH life were that simple that I could just have a few rules. I don't know about you but I find life far more intelligent than any rule that exists. Life is the great teacher, not the man made (and therefore very limited) rules we invent to try and make sense of it.
'Doubt may be an uncomfortable state of mind but certainty is ridiculous.'Voltaire.
There are no facts, only interpretations. Friedrich Nietzsche. German philosopher (1844 - 1900)
- An Irish Friend of Bill
- I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Loved up? Perception of 'redeeming qualities' as filtered through the VERY distorting lens of sexual attraction
Posted by An Irish Friend of Bill
Labels: After Step 9, Rationalization, Relationships
Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)
Post a Comment