About Me

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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Orbs heading for the church bell tower at midnight

If you do a google image search for Orbs, you will see lots of images just like this. White round things. Some big some small. They are actually rather common and show up in photos. I was randomly photographing a church while on my way through town and a load of them showed up on my pictures. I can never see them through the viewfinder, but become visible when you see the pics properly later. Normally I don’t see them in pics I take. I’ve seen them show up on friend’s pictures. I don’t think they mean something ‘special’. I think they’re just random.
But anyway I was happy to catch some as I was making my way though town as I randomly stopped to photograph a church. I will have to go back and see if they show up at the same place every midnight. (!)
Spooky huh? Well not really. Well I don’t think so. I like them. I like having visual reminders of ? dimensions I am not able to see. I know loads of ‘stuff’ is out there but I can’t ! see it. ..I’m not sure I want to, to be honest ☺ My church pics are full of these blobs, all different sizes, but I included these ones as they were pretty dense.
It only occurred to me later that their movement is towards the bell tower which is about to strike midnight. The second picture was of a bigger one at the front of the church just as the clock bell tolled midnight. Cool.

I always say to Sponsees, ‘life gets a bit ..WEIRD (!) after step 9’, because it .!.does. But thankfully I am not scared by it. Instead I feel the old page 84 maxim..

“We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected.” (p84, AA Big Book)

..And for those of you that have not yet reached a point where you feel like that and are a bit freaked out by the pics..
“Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed.” (p102, AA Big Book)
Remember, Do good ‘stuff’ and good ‘stuff’ happens right ! back. Well that’s what I think..

I have a busy Sunday. One (apparently) very easy exam paper, another admission test paper to submit monday and a difficult 2000wd application form for monday. And its REALLY hot here.. I will just have to drink TONS of tea :)
Have a lovely Sunday !

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Disappointing return to 'regular' meetings..

LondonTreeJune09, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I thought I should write because I haven't for awhile.
I'm still supposed to be doing important paperwork due end of June and July, so I feel obligated with various fairly dreary and difficult tasks. They never really go away.
I haven't looked around much for new women to sponsor, but the few I did meet did not seem too interested. Either they have sponsors or they are giggling round the under 5yrs males in AA who look like AA has become a useful resource when it comes to picking up women. Whatever. I haven't bothered to find out one way or another, but as I hear of new women getting pregnant and seeking abortions, and worse.. I generally assume that 13th stepping is alive and well across most of AA.
I'm not much good with giggly women, it has to be said. Thankfully I know just enough women who have been around longer to not have to listen to it very much.
Its a bit depressing seeing the state of AA one way or another. The people who show up in different meetings asking for money so that people will not realize they do it every week, the 13th stepping, the lax and ineffective sponsorship, and of course the low recovery rate and high relapse rate. Very depressing. My experience tells me it is avoidable if they are willing to follow suggestions you see. That's why its hard to watch.
I haven't looked very hard to be honest, but I suppose I have been attending a meeting that is mostly very new people, and the sense of misery and despair is palpable. That and the chronic dependence on relationships.
So yeah I am a bit shocked by the degree of (what I see) as 'acceptable' negativity.
Perhaps if I invest in one meeting a bit I will start to see a different side or I can try to be a positive influence on the 13th stepping, relapse rate and general levels of anguish. Who knows.
But thing is. I know the only way I will see a real and satisfying change in an individual is if I sponsor them properly. Otherwise its very piecemeal.
I am not very motivated to look for new women to reject me in favor of some low life AA bloke on the pull, but I will carry on looking.

In theory one always learns something new about oneself, but I dislike rejection as much as the next alky. And I take great offence at being labeled (wordlessly of course) as some kind of man hater, because I do not recommend relationships with men in aa. Quite wrong. Never mind. The only reason that rankles is because I have yet to meet a woman who understood what the HELL I meant by that till they go out with a reasonably sane non alcoholic. Whatever. I'm not even going to even TRY to explain that one.
But alkys are pretty sick. Pretty maudlin, negative creatures. I much prefer people without the same kind of mental illness, albeit in remission. Nah.

Anyway. It just goes to show that I am wrong even about having nothing (apparently) to say. Quelle surprise!
Being wrong is pretty ordinary. So nothing new there.

Right well the sun is shining and I am off to burn 1000 cals in the gym :)
Have a nice Tuesday out there :)

Monday, June 01, 2009

Just a hello. Nothing in particular

Just a brief hello. I have caught up on some sleep. Not enough. I have caught up with some former Sponsees. Again not enough. I hope to catch up with family sometime this week and hopefully other former Sponsees and AA members. I find my family quite needy. Energy vampires! But I can handle them in small doses. I have important courses to apply for and applications to do. A backlog of paperwork. Lots of cleaning up! And I need to resume my fairly strict diet and exercise routine. Lots to do!
I would love to spend time with some monastics, and work permitting, I will. My body and nervous system is gradually winding down from its nervous energy for the last three months.
As for AA, I haven't given it much thought. Meetings for me are "the pub with no beer" so I enjoy going just to catch up with everybody and say hello, try to be useful, drink too much coffee etc. I might do a service commitment this summer and use the weekly meeting as an opportunity to catch up with people I haven't seen for a long time.
I will go to a meeting later today where I always see people I know and is socially pleasant. My mind feels relatively blank. I have no particularly obsessive thoughts. Nothing that is stuck on repeat. My head feels very empty at the moment. There are lots of problems at work, but I have no reaction to it, same as many other people I work with, simply because none of us are worried any more. There is simply no point in being worried. There is plenty of things wrong with AA, as always, but that doesn't bother me either. I'm sure I disagree with many people on many points about how AA runs itself, but this doesn't concern me. Basically I suppose I must be feeling very equanamous.
I am looking forward to spending time with people this summer who dwarf my limited experience. I thoroughly enjoy being around my elders and betters, even if I feel very foolish. Which happens quite a lot in their company. I intend to challenge myself in other ways this summer. So I will push myself out of my comfort zone. Diet and exercise should do that, amongst other things. If a senior Lama is visiting London this summer I will try to attend, but I will have to arrange it around my work commitments.
Well I better be off. Where there is seriously gorgeous over here. Really hot! So I hope you have a lovely Monday, and perhaps I will have something more interesting to say when I get back to you :)