Magic Fairy Dust: Constant Thought of others, combined with MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness

Relevant Big Book quotes are:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others. p102 Big Book.
"OUR VERY LIVES, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. p20 Big Book.
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead. p14 Big Book.
"How can I BEST SERVE Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us CONSTANTLY." p85 Big Book.
"Then we resolutely TURN OUR THOUGHTS TO SOMEONE WE CAN HELP." p84 Big Book.
" Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed". p102 Big Book.

If you PRACTICE 'constant thought of others' plus, MOTIVE of maximum helpfulness, in your BRAIN. (Which is actually not NEARLY as difficult as it sounds), it FEELS like MAGIC FAIRY DUST is EVERYWHERE. Wel I find that to be the case anyway, and so do other people when they do the same thing. So there you go.
How cool is that!!!!

Whatever Its quite difficult to explain how to actually PRACTCE 'constant thought of others' combined with 'maximum helpfulness' MOTIVE, so I'm not going to do that just here. Suffice to say I will provide you with a recent case history that shows how POWERFUL this PRACTICE is.
I've seen it work its MAGIC, MANY times over the years, but this one is recent and fresh in my mind so I will share a bit of it.

Basically, I !! Bullied a AA lady I met recently into re evaluating the way she was doing the programme lately, and she is STUNNED by how DIFFERENT she feels in such a short time. The effect is INSTANT really, if I'm honest. But she said the same herself, AT THE TIME I EXPLAINED THIS TO HER FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
Weirdly enough, just HAVING THE INFORMATION as to how to practice 'constant thought of others' is ENOUGH to IMMEDIATELY ALTER YOUR MIND STATE. Cool!
That's why 'The Six Things' are SO powerful. And the cool thing is, you can do it from the VERY BEGINNING of your sobriety!! Right from the week of meetings. That's what's so great about 'The Six Things'. ANYONE can do them.

I was saying to her. "Can you see?, that when you do this stuff, it feels like 'Magic Fairy Dust' all the time or something? And she said ..'yeah..."
I said, "Well it STAYS like that, if you keep your thoughts kind of 'pointing in that direction', (The direction being, 'What can I do for others', 'What's the MOST I can contribute here?' etc etc)
Cool!! I am GLAD I 'confronted' her on her old approach. I ! Didn't like it much at the time!! But it was worth it. But then 'going to any lengths' "to give it away to keep it' ALWAYS is. Provided you MOTIVE is good that is..

Yeah I know I sound like a bit of a freak here, but you just have to bear with me on this one. I've seen it happen so many times now, that I kind of take it for granted.
Yes I PROMISE I will TRY to do a post explaining EXACTLY how I tell people to 'do' constant thought of others', but that will be a bit of work. So later! Trust me, Its quite a bit of work to explain it! Normally I do it verbally.

NONE of us will be able to say, 'oh yeah, you know I just don't have negative thoughts or behaviors', but what we CAN do is become REALLY good at getting on top of hem when they show up, and creating a mind state which is pretty DAMM !! Impenetrable to negative s**t. Good karma, or what I like to call 'constant thought of others' creates a FORTRESS of good energy around you, which protects you and insulates you from the 'slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.
I love it. You can get sort of 'high' on it actually. Whatever. That's another post really.

'Creates an Uncomfortable Contrast'

I find that after a while, me being consistently 'comfortable' can be REALLY disquieting for others to be around, if what they are used to is drama, struggle, emotional overwhelm, ups and downs, and what have you. In terms of the impact it appears to be having on me I mean. I think people tend to assume I have no problems. Either that or they just can't make me out. All I know Is they rarely imagine that I am dealing with difficult things. They assume because I look 'ok' that things in my life must be 'ok'. Not so! Life lessons happen to EVERYBODY. Including me! Bereavement, betrayal, disillusionment, you name it! There is no way you can avoid these things. Its part of learning how to be a human. They happen to !! everybody. Not just the people who have a habit of referring to these events in conversation.

Initially, people are nearly always pleased to see me. But over time it becomes apparent that I'm just not being hijacked by moods, negativity or emotional overwhelm in the way that they unwittingly take for granted, and that can really 'upset the apple cart' in a strange sort of way. It just doesn't 'compute' that I might be having the SAME, if not worse, problems that THEY have, but I am just dealing with it a different way. Especially in AA, as people can tend to make assumptions about how 'honest' I'm being, or whether or not I am in denial. I can just tell that it is difficult for some of them to really understand. Obviously not everybody. Just those that take fairly obvious negativity or negative behaviour for granted as 'part of the furniture.'

Having spent 1-2 years trying to do the steps in another programme and getting progressively more MAD before I got well in AA, I COMPLETELY understand that viewpoint. My Sponsees often say they see the same look of non recognition in some fellow AA's, when they report how they feel or how they are dealing with things. I've had many strange comments over the years, including one woman who thought 'I must not be an alcoholic'. Whatever. I understand how it must look strange to someone who has become accustomed to a different way of dealing with things. I understand that attitude, but I prefer to be around people who think emotional stability is a NORMAL thing, instead of some weird ?! freaky thing. Each to their own, but I prefer to be with people I feel I have more in common with. The term I have heard used to describe this tendency is 'creates an uncomfortable contrast', and so that's how I describe it now.

The road gets narrower: Choosing emotionally stable friends in later sobriety

The downside of insight and awareness leading to peace of mind is that we become much more attuned to the negativity of others. the mask is lifted so to speak. some people describe it as 'the road gets narrower'. All I know is that it becomes progressively more uncomfortable to be in close proximity to emotional intensity, as I become less and less ? disturbed, for want of a better word. I pretty much have very little alternative but to choose only reasonably serene company. it can seem a bit limiting sometimes, but I don't mind. Of course I make time for people if I think I can be of service in some way, but I limit the time I spend on that too. I couldn't do it all the time. It means I have a very reduced pool of potential friendships to choose from. There are a lot of frustrated and driven people out there. A lot are simply on auto pilot or just keyed up a lot of the time. Generally I try to gravitate as much as poss to the most ? well adjusted in any social group, and I try to spot the slightly crazy ones and give them a wide berth from the off. Much easier!

Active Imagination and reasoning with 'Component parts' of self

I don't generally have a 'busy' head these days, but if there WAS something 'rattling around' in there that was bugging me,
I either tell someone about it,
OR, do an 'active imagination' conversation. (See previous posts under label 'prayer')

Or sometimes I just dialogue with the 'rattled' part of my head that is 'bleating'. I 'hear it out' and listen to what it has to say, and then counter its arguments for being distressed with reasoned feedback from my knowledge of recovery. It's like being a good parent to myself.

They all work well in their own way.

Happy Quotes. From places other than the Big Book

It is a spiritual axiom that EVERY time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US.
Step 10. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

If you're happy, would you please inform your face!

Sober not Somber

Service is Gratitude in action.

I complained because I had no shoes; until I met a man that had no feet

We don't see things as they are, we see them as WE are.
Anais Nin.

I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.
Oprah.

Then he did something else that was to become an A.A. classic. It all went on a little card about golf-score size. The cover read: "Middleton Group #1. Rule #62." Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: "Don't take yourself too damn seriously."
Tradition 4. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Bludgeoned and beaten into Humility by unremitting suffering.
'We saw we needn't always be bludgeoned and beaten into humility. It could come quite as much from our voluntary reaching for it as it could from unremitting suffering.'
Step 7. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.

Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances--jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride--did the same thing.
Step 10. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.

Happiness IS an inside job

Maybe good, maybe bad, who knows?
Taoist Parable.

Neither 'good' or 'bad', 'right' or 'wrong', It just IS.
Buddhist.

It's ALL alright.
(Revered Buddhist monk whose name I didn't write down when I heard this quote.)

EVERYTHING is teaching us.
Ajahn Chah

Yesterday’s history. Tomorrow’s a mystery, Today is a Gift, that's why they call it The Present

If the people in your life really DO treat you badly, whose responsibility is it?

If you miss the bus, it wasn't your bus

Pining and Nostalgia

Essentially, nostalgia is a very skewed perspective of reality because it is living in the PAST. Therefore it is not very 'real'. We function best when we are TOTALLY IN THE MOMENT. Or 'Present'. The past CAN be 'accessed' in the present moment, but that's a different sort of skill, and bears no resemblance to the habit of nostalgia. Something I heard at a Thich Nhat Hanh talk. I might explain how to do it in a later post.

I have come to believe that NOTHING happens by accident! If people are not in your life, that is probably EXACTLY how your higher power wants it to be! With GOOD reason more than likely...

Thich Nhat Hanh calls the habit of living in the future and the past as 'Not keeping our appointment with life'
It doesn't really matter what you call it, but I just thought I'd mention that.

If you don't know something. Don't AGONIZE, ..ASK!

ASK! The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind, don’t matter, so there is NOTHING to lose by it!
Start by asking and see how it goes from there. STOP WORRYING ABOUT HURTING THEIR FEELINGS. HE/ She's not a child! Its very patronizing when people who are new assume that you would 'get upset' by something as mundane as a simple question. But I'm so used to that misperception in new people that I almost expect it.
I always say, IF YOU DON'T KNOW, ASK! Alkys are very good at agonizing and 'stewing' for weeks instead of just asking !!!??? Asking is so EASY and solves so many problems, but most new people prefer to agonize relentlessly instead of going 'straight to the horses mouth' and asking a simple question!! Once you've learned how to communicate fearlessly, you'll wonder why you EVER subjected yourself to so much NEEDLESS uncertainty and confusion by being too scared to ASK FOR CLARIFICATION.

A lot of recovery involves 'biting the bullet' and 'doing the next right thing,' whether we like it or not. And its only by DOING the suggested actions that we get to see how 'wrong' our neurosis was. Its never a good idea to buy into neurotic thoughts about things generally. In aa or out of it. I don't think its possible to make a good decision based on fear. They just end up being neurotic decisions. Ie poor decisions.

Mon 13th Nov. 7pm: A Tibetan Monk doing a talk called: Happiness: A Makeover for the Mind

Monday 13 November Talk at 'Alternatives' (See sidebar under Mind Body Spirit for link)
Happiness: A Makeover for the Mind
 
By: GESHE TASHI TSERING. (From the Jamyang Centre)

The bottom line in life is to be happy. Everything anyone does, at the deepest level, is motivated by a wish to be happy. Happiness is a state of mind - an obvious statement and yet it seems we see happiness, not as this, but as a state achieved through the acquisition and manipulation of external phenomena. The car, the job, the relationship is happiness. Buddhism asserts this is fundamentally incorrect and the reification of phenomena leads to us falsely seeing them as causes for our happiness. We are simply looking for happiness in the wrong place and only when we turn inwards and examine the mind will we be turn this around.

In this talk, Geshe Tashi will explore how ancient Buddhism wisdom can transform our minds into true happiness.

Geshe Tashi Tsering is a highly eloquent Tibetan monk who has represented HH The Dalai Lama on many occasions and who is well known for his great warmth and humour. He has been the resident teacher at Jamyang Buddhist Centre in London for the last 13 years. He is the creator of the Foundation of Buddhist Thought, a two-year correspondence course on Tibetan Buddhism, and the author of The Four Noble Truths.

Visit www.jamyang.co.uk.
£10/5 concs

ST JAMES'S CHURCH. 197 Piccadilly, London, W1J 9LL
Nearest tube Piccadilly Circus

Peace of mind is NOT dependent on having PLEASANT thought forms or emotions

It IS dependent on THE WAY WE RELATE to our thoughts and emotions.

Ie: do we ACCEPT them?, without forming an 'opinion' (which is essentially a JUDGEMENT) about them either being 'good' or 'bad'?

OR, do we GET ALARMED AND SCARED by them,as if they were 'bogeymen' and 'run for the (deeply unconscious) hills' straight into the nearest tub of Hagen daz, or whichever avoidant activity we happen to prefer! You might be a Ben and jerry's person for all I know! or a tv addict. Whatever. Anything to avoid 'unpleasant' feelings! Some people call these 'fixes'. I call them ways of staying NUMB, and avoiding having to FEEL. I told you recovery is not for sissies! It REALLY isn't!

The Buddhists call it 'monkey mind' with good reason. The mind (and everything else come to think of it) has A LIFE OF ITS OWN.
The problem isn't WHAT COMES INTO OUR HEADS. The problem is HOW WE DEAL WITH IT. Step 1 means you are powerless over 'people ,places and things'. And what are thoughts but 'things'? Therefore YOU ARE POWERLESS OVER THEM.
And that's why they say 'You are NOT responsible for what comes INTO your head. But you ARE responsible for how you DEAL with it.'

"Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm."
When you meet 'spiritual giants' you will learn that enlightenment isn't numbness, its a CALM, STEADY CONTAINMENT of EVERY shade of emotion. Good bad and indifferent.
If you have loads of acceptance, you have peace of mind NOMATTER WHAT THOUGHTS OR EMOTIONS you are experiencing.
Its all about acceptance in the end. Not an IDEALISZED SET OF MENTAL OR EMOTIONAL CONDITIONS. Dependence on a set of 'pleasant' thought forms or emotions in order to have peace of mind would be 'dependence on people places and things'. But like it says in the big book "Some of us have taken VERY hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job, wife or no wife, we simply do NOT stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people (places and things) ahead of dependence on God" p98

If you do a GOOD step 11 practice you will get to observe your thoughts and feelings in a cooler, more impartial way, and this BENEVOLENT relationship with ALL your emotions, good and bad, will become easier.
So what I'm saying is that this 'sinks in' when you get to step 11. Not before usually.
I've seen people who've been sober a LONG time who are still effectively 'at war' with (what they see as) 'bad' thoughts or emotions.

Personally I MUCH prefer the AA ideology of:
'we have ceased fighting anything or anyone' p84

And if we are 'to practice these principles in ALL our affairs.' p60 (ie including our EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL affairs) It follows that 'NOT fighting' would AUTOMATICALLY EXTEND TO THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS.
So it would be AGAINST AA policy (so to speak), to have a 'warring relationship' with ANYTHING. Including our negative mind states.

So the 'enemy' is NOT the thoughts and emotions, and that is why we are no longer fighting them, along with everything else.

I LOVE the Great Spirit Prayer (on a previous post listed under the Topic of prayer) as I think it contains a HUGE amount of wisdom, but I will repeat some bits that can be used to relate to this issue..

'Help me to remain calm and strong in the face of all that comes towards me.' (including negative mind states)
'Let me learn the lessons you have hidden in every leaf and rock.' (including negative mind states, because they are FULL of VERY valuable lessons about ourselves)

'I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy
Myself.' (not my thoughts or emotions, or negative mind states)

Anyway, sorry if that's a bit rambly, as its a bit late, but hopefully you get the jist.

Enlightenment isnt' numbness, it's steady containment

What I call 'creating a strong Vessel'