'Maybe I'm not that bad': Pervasive and unconscious Self Doubt

Committee Room window with balcony, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

'Maybe I'm not that bad'
Is a thought I get quite a lot these days. The reason I’m mentioning it here is so that you kind-of know this is coming. Later on. A lot. If you have not started thinking this already.
As far as I am concerned if you start thinking this in a sort of involuntary way in less than 5 years sobriety, I think you are doing a pretty !! good job.
Whatever. I suppose I had some ? sort of renewed faith in myself at 5 years, but this is different. Its like its very VERY slowly ‘dawning’ on me, that I MIGHT NOT BE THAT BAD.
You know, not ‘beyond hope’
Not ‘beyond repair’
Not a ‘lost cause’ in respect to certain areas I would have been CONVINCED were ‘off limits’ or ‘out of reach’.
More like I see the ‘plasticity’ of recovery.
I am starting to be more open minded as to just what can be altered.
More ? optimistic perhaps.
Perhaps I see better that you can cover A LOT of ground sometimes. If you just keep your head down and do the work, instead of giving up on yourself because it looks IMPOSSIBLE.

I’m not just talking about difficult tasks like study. (Because that really is difficult.) I mean stuff the therapists tell you JUST ISNT POSSIBLE.
The stuff they tell you CANT BE DONE.
I suppose I mean emotional work. Getting from A to B.
Hey I’m not there yet, but more and more I see my insides changing for the better. I don’t really know WHY it’s happening. I can guess. I have very helpful influences in my recovery. By no virtue of mine. I am lucky perhaps. I have no idea why people are helpful to me. That’s the truth. I really don’t know if I am doing the right things or not. I try my best but I have no idea if I am off course. I suspect I am sometimes. Hopefully not too often. Whatever. What I mean is I HAVE NO SURE FOOTING. I make my best guess and that’s it. The rest I don’t know.
Which means I am still capable of making crippling errors of judgement from time to time. That’s scary. When you REALLY realise that. That ALL your knowledge and ALL your experience, and ALL your ‘good intentions’ WILL NOT SAVE YOU from your own ..fallabilty.
To err is human. Unfortunately.
We are all in the same boat. None of us REALLY know what we are doing.
We all LIKE to think we ‘know’ left from right.
But it’s not that simple.
Anyway. The issue of uncertainty aside.

I just hear myself saying to myself in my head 'Maybe I'm not that bad' in a sort of bewildered confused surprise. Like I just learned that black is white or up is down. It’s a confusing perception, but feels like a gradual dawning upon my senses that all this time I was wrong, and things really are NOT what they seem.

The reason I mention this, is because I tend to sponsor people with very low self-image. Way WAY !!! off the reality chart. They think they are second-class citizens or something. The thinking is SO pervasive and habitual, they don’t even notice it till I point it out. The look of aghast surprise when I tell them they have a DUTY to themselves to NOT permit others to mistreat them repeatedly comes as a HUGE surprise.
So what I’m saying is they are very LOW confidence, LOW self-belief types. (I might add that learning to NOT be a doormat is NOT as easy as it sounds. Those with persecution complexes for instance need to be VERY VERY !!! careful with this one, as they see ‘attack’ everywhere, and are frequently wrong.)

Anyway. I hear them saying later on, in the same slightly surprised tone I hear in my own head, saying ‘Maybe I’m not that bad’. And it makes me realise that we are having the same experience on some level or other. Which always cheers me up as I want sponsees to feel and experience the things I have felt in the process to getting well. It reassures me that I am passing it on. Thank god. You have to give it away to keep it. And I plan on keeping it.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a list a MILE long of stuff I want to be different. Stuff I have NO IDEA how I will crack. Seriously. Makes study look like a piece of cake!
I have SO many things I want to be different. But I have NO idea when or how it will happen. I’m just ‘plugging away’. Doing my lousy best. Seeing what happens. Some of this stuff I have been working on in some form or other for YEARS. And I am VERY stubborn!! Heheh. Even though I KNOW something is GOOD for me, I DO NOT LIKE HAVING TO LET GO OF OLD IDEAS and CONSIDER THAT I MIGHT BE COMLETELY !!!!! WRONG !!!! ABOUT SOMETHING.
Unfortunately that’s the ONLY way I know how to change things!
First. Consider the ! possibility that I am COMPLETLY !! WRONG about something!

Basically you have to eat a LOT of humble pie.
Eat your words.
Reverse ones ideas about things. All kinds of stuff.
Basically as they say in the U2 video for the the song ‘the fly..

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

Heheh. Its TRUE.
Horrifying isn’t it?
Heheee well you just gotta get used to it and get used to eating your words.

And here’s the thing.
As I am writing this. I KNOW that at some point in the future, I might ! look back at this and think..

W o w
I was S O wrong about that .. and I had NO idea. No clue at ALL.
But hey. On that cheery note! I may as well head off to the gym and all that stuff.

But do you see? Nothing is really certain. That’s what I mean. And even when we are quite nice human beings, we still have terrible, glaring weaknesses we have yet to discover, or fully appreciate. But glaring weaknesses are all part of the deal of being a human. So no big deal. What’s new?

That’s why I think its funny that people look at old timers like they ‘know the answers’. Anyone with ANY sense KNOWS they don’t know the answers. But I am CONVINCED that new people are attracted to people who have been around simply because they can SENSE that the ‘old timer’ can TELL that there are no ‘right’ answers. That ability to rest comfortably in uncertainty is what makes them look ‘safe’. Gawd knows.

Right. Gym beckons.

By the way, this ‘I’m not that bad’ stuff. I’m not fishing for compliments. I KNOW I’m alright, but I’m just sharing with you the conversations I have with myself regarding my own pervasive self doubt.

Also this is more relevant to those from the self-doubt end of the spectrum. I meet newcomers who have FAR too much confidence for heir own good. They reckon they are ‘A-ok!’ when they CLEARLY are not. Those people need a WHOLE different kind of conversation going on!! This is more for the people who CANNOT see no matter HOW hard they look, that they are ALRIGHT.
So there you go. See? You ARE MUCH better than you think. You just don’t know it yet. Yes and you have terrible flaws too, that you probably cant see either, but what I’m saying is that EVEN WITH THOSE TERRIBLE FLAWS, YOU ARE OK.
Flaws are normal. Even the terrible blind ones.
But YOU are OK. You are really quite a nice person. Yeah. ! Even you!
Weird huh?


So what's the moral of the story?
ACT AS IF YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF SH*T
Why?
Because you will be MAD !!!!! at yourself in years to come when it FINALLY dawns on you that actually.. YOU ARE NOT THAT BAD!
You will be KICKING yourself for all the wasted opportunities and things you just figured were IMPOSSIBLE or OUT OF REACH, when you realize you ARE ok.
So save yourself a LOT !!! of heartache and beating yourself up later, by ALWAYS AIMING HIGHER THAN YOU THINK YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO. (‘Beyond your wildest dreams’ as they say..)
The worst thing that can happen is that someone will tell you ‘No’.
But I would MUCH rather someone ELSE told you NO,
Than YOU told you NO.
See? The IDEAL ‘no’ comes from SOMEBODY ELSE, not from YOU.
so basically. Don’t discount yourself from stuff. Nice people, nice places, nice jobs, you name it.
Because in YEARS to come, LONG after opportunities have come and gone. You will FINALLY realize that you are a !! nice human being. That other people want to be around! Even the nice ! people want to be around! You know. Properly.
So there you go.

‘Simple but not easy’ as the saying goes.
Too right!
See y’all. Have a fabulous Thursday!

'Too good to be true'. Dealing with Success, and love from other people.

I saw this comment on tkdjunkie's blog. and LOVED it so I'm quoting it here.

tkdjunkie. said
'Blessings are often first greeted with resentment and suspicion. In my mind, anything that seems too good to be true is too good to be true. Anything that seems to exceed my expectations must be a ticking time bomb waiting to go off the moment I trust it.'

This is a NEAR PERFECT description of the (typically negative) 'alcoholic' reaction to success in life, and love from others.
Basically we HAVE A LOT TO LEARN about having a positive attitude to SUCCESS and RECEIVING LOVE from others.
RECEIVING ANYTHING really.

I have found that the more 'success' I experience in recovery, the MORE I experience this type of thinking.

Success is tough!
It brings up NEUROSIS, INSECURITY, INFERIORITY, and FEAR OF TRUSTING AND LETTING GO
Stuff like:.

I don't deserve this.
'When a person said they liked me, I knew one of two things. They were either LYING or they were STUPID.'
Fear of death
Fear of 'losing everything'
'a ticking time bomb waiting to go off the moment I trust it.' (tkdjunkie)
Paralysis because you think ANYTHING might trigger a 'collapse'

This is because we are habitually:
Negative. Cynical, fear the worst, expect 'the sky to fall in', distrust other peoples motives, think very little of ourselves and other people. Remind ourselves of our failures.

We need to learn to:
Think better of others and ourselves. Assume other peoples motives are GOOD, not bad. Assume we ARE loveable, even if we cannot see it at all. Say ENCOURAGING things to ourselves. Focus on the positive. Remind ourselves of our little victories.
Trust!!
Trust ourselves
Trust other people. (Well the nice ones anyway!) People are much nicer than we think they are!

The pursuit of Success and a 'better life' is a VERY high teaching

Disclaimer: NO major changes till after step 9. Provided you have completed the steps competently! As you may know already I do not think that everyone who is sober in AA has 'recovered'. Even those who have been sober a while. To me, some are 'accidents waiting to happen'. But that is MY opinion. So when I say after step 9, I mean only if you've done it 'properly'.

Ok here we go...
This is more of a post step 9 thing. Usually only affects those who are making GENUINELY positive improvements to their life. And who also have developed a good capacity to 'feel'. Pursuing success while still numb will not have quite the same effect im afraid. Lots of people (in AA and out of AA) are dissociated and numb to some degree. Denial is the root of all dissociation and numbness. If you have successfully become a 'stronger vessel' (as a result of completing the first nine steps) you will have a MUCH greater capacity to experience 'the whole catastrophe', as they call it. Which is a GOOD thing! Great joy and great 'everything else' can be on the menu, if you have 'cleared a channel' with the help of the first nine steps.

If you 'stay where you are' and not venture out of your comfort zone, you will not see this 'stuff' nearly so clearly.
Some people come to AA with GREAT jobs or great houses or partners already, so they have no reason to make improvements in those areas.
But we ALL have own own pathetic, weak places. And if we TRY to make improvements in THOSE areas, then yes, we will enter a very high level of spiritual growth.

Dealing with success and the pursuit of success will show you your 'stuff' like NOTHING else. Its a VERY powerful, respectable spiritual path.
A better job
A more satisfying job
A more satisfying career
A more fulfilling relationship
An improved style of relationship
Trying to be happier
Having a makeover. New hair new make up new wardrobe.
Betting a better body by going to the gym

ALL these things will VERY QUICKLY show you ALL the cracks in your armor.
Also, you MAY (if your life finally starts turning around for the better) start believing that now that you are FINALLY getting the life you always wanted, that you might die.

Fear of Death.
Hard to explain. But if you discover how wonderful life CAN be, you begin to understand the reality of how death can snatch it all away in an instant.
Basically you start to value life. And you see the fragility of life and the possibility of loss much more clearly.
The possibility of loss and death was always there, but you never cared much for life, or cared whether you lived or died, so you never really got to learn this lesson till now.
So don't be alarmed by suddenly fearing death. It doesn't mean something is terribly wrong. It means you are finally realizing that you want to be alive, now that you are learning how to live well.
Even for non alcoholics, when they stumble across a wonderful, life changing partner, they fear death for the first time in a new and powerful way. I see this as a HEALTHY appreciation of life.

Getting in touch with your inferiority.
If you seek improvements, (and are not numb), you will feel strong inferiority, despair, hopelessness, pessimism, bleakness, lack of confidence.
Again this does not mean that something is 'wrong'. Feelings aren't facts. It just means you are no longer numb and you are getting to see your 'stuff' around the area of success. A reflection of your old programming about what you can and can't do, and what you do and don't deserve. Its your 'stuff'. If you behave better than you feel, and do the next right thing anyway, you will come out the other end of the 'tunnel' eventually.
Remember this programme is all about ACTION. Not thinking.
If you get fed up with these waves of negative feelings and thought forms, you can 'treat' them by the usual stuff of going to meetings, communicating your internal environment to your (informed) peers, and helping others. Mainly newcomer women. All these actions will soften the impact of these 'psychic terrorists' on you, and make for a more comfortable ride.
Personally I can turn around the most devastating emotion is less than 2 minutes by talking to a newcomer. Why do you think I love newcomers so much!!
I hope you get an idea of how much 'stuff' I've HAD to process, by how many newcomers I talk to. Hahaaa I have LOADS of 'stuff'. But ultimately I think we ALL have our mountains to climb.

Anyway. Just so you know. Trying to improve your life (if you are not numb and have cleared a channel using the steps) brings you in touch with difficult and uncomfortable internal beliefs and habits. And when you DO finally see how wonderful life CAN be, death becomes a new 'fear' for want of a better word.

All these things are do-able if you are in 'fit spiritual condition', so don't worry about it. Don't be alarmed, or think you must be doing it 'wrong'. Yes they are 'uncomfortable'. But that's all. Its like having a bruise on your leg and you just have to be patient while it gets better and stops hurting. Its nothing to be alarmed about. You just keep on keeping on and it gets better!! Trust me, I'm a doctor!! Hahahaa
Can you see now why its so important to be 'comfortable being uncomfortable?' This is why Patient Endurance is SUCH a valuable skill post step 9. These things REALLY can be NO BIG DEAL. That's my experience! It might feel like being stuck in a whirlwind sometimes, but thank God for newcomers. They save us from ourselves.