What is unreasonable?: The more polite you are, the more you second-guess yourself

I spoke to a woman less than five years sober recently about difficulties she was having a relationship. I would not describe her as a shy person, but to some degree she suffers from (what I call) spinelessness and lack of confidence in standing up to unreasonable behaviour. I do not think this is because she is a spineless person, I think this is because she doubts herself, in that she is not sure whether or not she is justified in rejecting unreasonable behaviour. I think this is because she questions herself constantly. This is because she is so incredibly polite. It is part of her nature to think extremely carefully about what she says in case it causes offence. This makes her very pleasant company and very polite company. I think she is afraid of labelling another person's behaviour untoward, for fear of appearing Draconian or rigid. She is so busy minding her p’s and q's and terrified of appearing domineering and unfair. This approach is like a ball and chain around her feet when asserting her preferences in a relationship.
When I meet people like this I label this behaviour "Catholic guilt". I don't know if it is Catholic guilt or not, as it's just a label I use so that people see this pattern when it repeats itself more clearly. Normally when people present themselves in this way,

racked with self-doubt whilst unwittingly permitting (or enabling) unacceptable behaviour,

the first thing I say to them is something like "That's Catholic guilt". Along with some comment to the effect that as far as I know they are not catholic etc, so why are they suffering from Catholic guilt? I probably know some Catholics but their religion is irrelevant as so many people suffer from this particular trait.

When I meet somebody who has difficulty assessing another person's behaviour as unreasonable, because they are essentially a "nice" person. I start questioning them along the lines of

'If the roles were reversed, would YOU behave the way this person is treating you?' ..If not, why not?

So for instance if the other person is being very demanding, and the doormatty/polite person is doubting themselves and making excuses for their friend/partner, I just say to them something like "well so and so, if the circumstances were different and you were in the position you find your partner in, would YOU act in this particular way? For instance "would you be demanding and needy at unreasonable moments?" Meaning would YOU behave the way your partner/friend is behaving? If not why not?
The person I am talking to invariably looks back at me with complete shock, because it would never ! occur to them to behave in such a manner. And in that time, it becomes clear to them that they have been making excuses for their partner, for something they would never !! dream of doing themselves, because this type of behavior would be completely out of character for them.
This type of analysis, only really works with the type of woman who is polite, reasonable, and quite generous, as these are the types that are more likely to be bullied and dominated by friends and partners. This reasoning would not apply to a person who was a bully himself or herself.

I identify much more closely with women who are bullied than with women who bully, as this tends to be what happens to people who are reasonable. I find that the more unreactive I am, that the safer others feel in presenting their irrational emotional states. So sometimes people ‘blow a gasket" simply because they know they can, and that I will not retaliate or punish. This unfortunately is the burden of being reasonable under emotional pressure. The nicer you are, the more people feel they can say pretty much whatever they like to you. This means that I have to be prepared to enforce my boundaries at any time. Thankfully I have learned how to do this over the years, so I am not so easily hijacked. Occasionally I get a unexpected rapidfire attack from out of nowhere, which if peculiarly unpleasant leaves me feeling quite unpleasant until I recover. But other than that people do not get much of a chance to treat me unfairly or cruelly for very long, because I do not let them.

Anyway I have a rather ! tedious shopping trip to get done before I make my way to a meeting that serves coffee after which I think is the part of the meeting I like best. Anyway have a lovely Saturday :) I hope to achieve as much as I can today, as I am catching up with loose ends regarding chores at home that have taken a back seat since study consumed most of what was left ! of my free time.

By the way, PG made a comment about speed reading in relation to reading my post. I know !! exactly how she feels :) It is precisely because of this that I invested in a acereader pro software. I think it costs about $20 or something. That means I can read online material by cutting and pasting into the software at a rate of about 1000 words a minute. Basically I really like this piece of software and it helps me to read a lot of the blogs that I do, even if I don't manage to comment on on them as much as I would like. So that's my speed reading tip for the day. Have a lovely weekend! ☺

Avoiding Harmful Speech: Keep your mouth shut ! till you cool down

Generally I kind of shut up till I cool down. Works for me!

When you step outside your comfort zone, guess what happens? You get fearful, anxious, uncertain, irritable, fault finding, whatever! The duvet seems very appealing! I don't know about you, but I tend to look for reasons to revert to type rather than embrace a WHOLE NEW way of looking at things. Being outside your comfort zone (within reason) is actually a REALLY GOOD THING, but yeah it feels UNCOMFORTABLE!! Ah well, you can't make an omlette without breaking a few eggs as they say..

So anger can be a GOOD sign as it tends to show up when you are venturing outside you comfort zone, but at the same time, anger pretty much ALWAYS tells me I am full of crap, and that I need to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT till I have cooled down and am able to avoid what the Buddhists call 'harmful speech'.

Basically all words become POISON when I am angry. they are designed to hurt and punish, not heal. So I keep my mouth SHUT generally.
When I've cooled down, THEN I do the ''problem solving' with the situation that 'inflamed' me in the first place. You never really sort things out very well when you are heated, and getting heated is a very natural occurrence when you challenge your old ideas.

It's just the ego, thrashing about. Hold still!! Do not believe 'monkey mind'. It plays tricks on us you see.. Its aim is to keep us enslaved by the Ego (small mind). Basically its full of CRAP most of the time..

Avoiding angry people and Impulse Control

Jeez. I get as FAR away from angry people as I POSSIBLY can. I try to leave the room or area before they finish the FIRST angry sentence. If someone 'lost it' I would simply excuse myself. I CERTAINLY would not hang about or try to reason with them. The only times I seem to get caught out is when I am so shocked by their outburst that my mind goes a bit blank.

I hate to say it, but I find a LOT of AA's behavior pretty disappointing. Obviously there are some REAL kindnesses exchanged within AA. Lots of fellowship, service and all that. But when push comes to shove, and you unwittingly trigger their 'stuff', there can be a real ! lack of impulse control, a real lack of self restraint when it comes to 'reining in' their angry impulses. Some AA's think they are being 'honest' by expressing their anger at a situation. Its a bit f***ed up really. Of course there are the doormat or repressed types too, but they are angry too, just not expressing it openly. If they feel 'safe' enough to vent their reservations with you, it can be pretty unpleasant! I just don't 'buy' that concept of 'honesty'. It's a personal attack. Nothing more.

You know what though? I suffer from the SAME kind of defensive irrationality when exposed to certain triggers. But then I am pretty messed up emotionally, compared to more ? normal types. I can experience overpowering internal upheavals when a fundamental core belief is challenged. The difference between me and AA's who act out when they feel angry, is that I do not TRUST anger. I know it means I am full of s**t and it will keep me blind. Keep me stuck. It is because I WANT to move on that I am willing to NOT give in to it. Besides, I know I will go off course if I allow myself to get dragged along by the current. Its called MORAL RESTRAINT. Its actually VERY important. So much hinges on 'keeping our side of the street clean'. Well I think so.

Denial is just plain weird, and in order to overcome it, we have to not 'give in' to the anger, and let it run riot through the system. Only then do we have a chance to come to our senses and see what an idiot we have been. Once I have cooled down I think my anger was utter madness, embarrassing and pathetic. But that moment comes much sooner rather than later if I REFUSE to act on it. That's my best chance. Anger is like hot metal, not easy to handle! It requires some impulse control!

I suppose I like to think of myself as a 'strong vessel', able to contain pretty powerful emotional states without flinching, so to speak. That's one of the best things step 11 has given me.

Boundaries: Avoiding even SLIGHTLY crazy people

I find a LOT of my peace of mind comes from simply avoiding even SLIGHTLY crazy people, unless I HAVE to, or am doing some kind of service.
Mind you, I can experience LOADS of vitriol from disturbed alcoholic I try to help. It happens sometimes. They always come to their senses after a while, but in the interim I am exposed to their toxic energy which is VERY unpleasant.

I am much more protective of my wellbeing the longer I am around. There are actually very few people I really want to be around. Unless coming into contact with another person 'lifts' me, I basically would rather be in my own company. I find a lot of people draining simply because they seem conflicted and restless, even if they say very little to me. I think I have become MUCH more sensitive to other people, so it is useful for me to limit my exposure to people who are more disturbed than myself. 'Stick with the winners' means a pretty small circle of people at the moment. But that's ok. The road gets narrower, as they say..
Each to their own, but that's how I find it at the moment.

Boundaries: 'No' is a complete sentence

I love that thing "No is a complete sentence'. Always makes me laugh. sometimes I say no just for fun! heheh.

For me, saying no is often an 'act as if' thing, meaning there's still some sense of obligation lurking. I have guilt but I work HARD at ignoring it. I find once I am free of obligations, it dawns on me what a wise decision it was. I kind of grow into the decision or something.

I prefer to call this tendency 'caving in to peer pressure'. I always ORDER my Sponsees to be their own person if I take them on, as I can't stand working with wimpy compliant people. Apart form anything, it slows down their progress if they do. Therefore creating more work for me! which is never a good thing!

All I know is being an independent thinker and 'your own person' are SO important. Being a martyr doormat is VERY miserable.
I think I still do stuff to get approval or to be 'seen' to be doing good at something. But not a great deal. I think I'm a bit of a black sheep at heart and take a perverse pleasure in doing the opposite of what (I think) people expect me to. Still very reactive I know, but just in a different direction! Taking ones life back is a very worthwhile cause.

"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it."

My favorite thing for avoiding arguments and pointless debates is:
"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it." that's what my favorite old timer used to say. Its not easy to sidestep the bait and walk away when the other person wants to have a row, but it CAN be done.

The best way is if you figure out a pre-prepared 'get out clause' BEFORE they 'kick off'. Because its IMPOSSIBLE to think of a good one in the heat of the moment. Prepare beforehand! Then you won't get caught out the next ! time she throws a wobbly!
The aim is react less than before. Progress not perfection. All we are looking for is evidence of progress. Nothing more really.

Social skills: 'Guilt Manipulation'

I call that 'guilt tripping' thing 'guilt manipulation.' There's a very useful reference to it on page 61 of the book '

Making Friends: A Guide to Getting Along with People' by Andrew Matthews,

..which looks a bit too simple at first sight, but has LOADS of really useful references for basic social skills in it. I recommend some of his books to Sponsees for learning basic ways of relating to other peoples demands, expectations, etc. I see all that stuff as common sense, in that 'normal' (meaning reasonably happy) people do these things anyway, but most people in AA have no idea how to do these things and they need to learn them from scratch. I say 'common' sense, but 'common' sense isn't nearly !! as common as I'd like it to be. I found his books really helpful. They just look a bit naff, that's all.

Anyway, its pretty good going to be able to distance yourself from the 'scene of the crime' (in resentment terms) when provoked If I am feeling heated, I try to get some distance between me and the resentment, otherwise I just cant think things through.

The road gets narrower: Choosing emotionally stable friends in later sobriety

The downside of insight and awareness leading to peace of mind is that we become much more attuned to the negativity of others. the mask is lifted so to speak. some people describe it as 'the road gets narrower'. All I know is that it becomes progressively more uncomfortable to be in close proximity to emotional intensity, as I become less and less ? disturbed, for want of a better word. I pretty much have very little alternative but to choose only reasonably serene company. it can seem a bit limiting sometimes, but I don't mind. Of course I make time for people if I think I can be of service in some way, but I limit the time I spend on that too. I couldn't do it all the time. It means I have a very reduced pool of potential friendships to choose from. There are a lot of frustrated and driven people out there. A lot are simply on auto pilot or just keyed up a lot of the time. Generally I try to gravitate as much as poss to the most ? well adjusted in any social group, and I try to spot the slightly crazy ones and give them a wide berth from the off. Much easier!

Should you stay or go?

I find there are two personality types. The 'freelancers' who can never stay on one place too long, and the 'comfortable rut' types that say FAR too long. we are all different. I'm the 'rut' type. I stay far too long in one 'place'.

Both are wrong if done blindly, and both behaviors have their uses if used wisely, so its not as simple as chucking the idea altogether. Rather harnessing the tendency in a way that serves you rather than enslaves you.

Its wise not to try to make BIG decisions before step 9, and IF you are sticking with the winners, to consult them BEFORE you embark on some ! Drastic course of action. But if they do NOT HAVE 'WHAT YOU WANT', then their advice is highly questionable. In my opinion anyway.

Disclaimer: By the way. If there is physical abuse or sexual abuse, serial infidelity resulting in infection with !! std's or some kind of other cruel, awful treatment. LEAVE!!!! No questions asked!!!

Conflict resolution: NOTHING is black and white. ..So find the THIRD WAY

Arguing the toss. Fighting Fair. Conflict Resolution.
NOTHING is black and white,

So don't be INFLEXIBLE or STUBBORN when it comes to 'I want' or 'who's right'.

Why?
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our (DEEPLY INGRAINED) old ideas and the result was NIL until we LET GO absolutely." BB p58

"We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument." 12x12 Step Ten

"We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn". 12x12 Step Ten

"we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down." 12x12 Step Ten

"We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish." 12x12 Step Ten

"We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention." 12x12 Step Ten

"It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up." 12x12 Step Ten

Let go or be dragged (Slogan from meetings)

There is ALWAYS a THIRD WAY.
It just takes a bit of CREATIVITY!
Which you should have in SPADES if you are a bit creative!

Well lets face it, we were ALL very CREATIVE when it came to FINDING WAYS TO GET TRASHED.
Well then. I rest my case!

If you both seem to have different outlooks regarding something,
Ask yourself if you can think of a way of 'managing' those seemingly opposing preferences,
Can you think of a bargain you can make between yourselves or boundaries that would allow for the needs of both in a CONSIDERATE way?

Most of life just requires a little bit of imagination! That's all!

Harmful Speech: Communicating problems (in order to seek help) WITHOUT Ranting or Dumping

The desire to rant stems from some sort of problem that has arisen.
Pretending the problem does not exist is NOT correct.
That would be REPRESSION. PRETENCE. PRETENDING.
NONE of these are HONEST, so this choice does not comply with AA doctrine.

Addressing the problem.
Looking for a solution to the problem.
Asking for advice or feedback from others in relation to the problem.
Trying out different approaches that have been suggested,
and SEEING FOR YOURSELF what WORKS.
..Are ALL PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS which are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to address whatever problem we encounter.

So when I say 'don't rant' I DO NOT mean
'Say NOTHING about this problem you have encountered'.
'Just pray. But don't talk to me about it'.
'keep this problem to yourself'.

Its NOT about THE CHOICE TO SPEAK about the problem or not.
Its about HOW you speak about the problem.
Ie. It is about LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PROBLEMS TO OTHERS IN A SKILLFUL WAY.

If something is 'skilful' it just means that your actions DO NOT HARM OTHERS.
Frequently. Newer AA's HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HARM IS.

This is usually because they HAVE NOT COMPLETED STEP 8.
Which is the first REAL education as to the EXACT nature of 'harm'.
Until then, AA;s rarely understand this concept.

They feel guilty for EVERYTHING
They feel guilty for not submitting to unacceptable demands
They are easily bullied into thinking they 'ought' to be doing something.

They can 'explode over a trifle'
They can INTERPRET MANY NEUTRAL OR HARMLESS comments or actions as an ATTACK
They are very inconsiderate in that they have VERY high expectations of others. They 'get the hump' when other people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND them.

So what I'm saying,
Is that they SEE harm where NONE EXISTS.
And they SEE NO HARM where harm REALLY DOES exist.

So. This is why it can be hard to explain to them how to,
COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEM WITHOUT RANTING, BLAMING, OR DUMPING.

The problem with ranting is the ATTITUDE of the speech.
Or the INCONSIDERATE NATURE of the speech.

I say to people who rant or dump.
"Do YOU like it, when people talk to you about a problem AS IF THE PROBLEM IS SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT. Or that there is an IMPLIED ATTITUDE that you are SUPPOSED to 'fix' them?"
Or
"Do YOU like it, when people just go ON and ON about 'how crummy their life is', for HOUR upon HOUR, just ranting and bleating?"

They ALWAYS say no.
I say "Well then, why do you KEEP DOING THAT to other people?"
"Don't you care about the way you are making them feel?"
"Why don't you TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED?"

Its surprising what a revolutionary concept this can be for some alcoholics.
They act in a terribly selfish and inconsiderate way, and then they wonder why they are driving people away.
Its very simple
Life is pretty much about CONSTANT THOUGHT OF OTHERS.
Failure to behave in considerate and thoughtful ways, means you will feel VERY ALONE.
Obviously not all alcoholics are like this, but we ALL have this to some extent. To this day, I can STILL see 'blind spots' where I am not engaging with the needs of others IN CERTAIN AREAS.
Its an ongoing 'battle' against the 'self'. The 'ego'.
Learning to be unselfish and kind to our fellow men is a lesson we will NEVER stop learning.

Being 'well' is not a 'Get out of Jail Free' ticket, for those who are unwilling or reluctant to break unhealthy ties with the past

Sometimes newer people in AA, think that there is something 'wrong' with them if they get upset by unkind ot thoughtless comments. That if they just work their programme 'a little bit harder' they will somehow become IMMUNE to normal feeling responses.
That's not 'serenity', that's NUMB!

Well that's not really how it works! The point of being 'well', is NOT to develop immunity of some sort to toxic situations. It pretty much works the other way around actually. Meaning the longer I am around, the HARDER it is to be around crazy people.

Being 'well' is not a 'Get out of Jail Free' ticket, for those who are unwilling or reluctant to break unhealthy ties with the past. Serenity is not some sort of 'emotional immunity' to BAD life choices. I have found that sometimes, people think they can 'play with fire', or indulge destructive relationships with toxic family members or ex boyfriends, because they now feel 'better'. They soon find out that they start feeling pretty lousy the moment they choose to ignore the 'stick with the winners' suggestion.

They do NOT say, 'stick with the winners', except after you have done step 9, or except when you feel extremely grateful and serene' does it?

AA's with their own agendas, 'read' their own 'exclusion clauses' into every suggestion!

Basically. You can't have your cake and eat it too!
You pays your money, you makes your choice.
Choose toxic people, and you start feeling TOXIC. No matter HOW long you have been sober, or HOW many steps you have completed..

Boundaries: How to change 'The Rules of the Game', (with example..)

Figure out what is it EXACTLY that is bugging you about something that person does.
It's usually a recurring event.
When you are at home, doing your own thing and AWAY FROM THAT PERSON OR SITUATION, decide what 'alternative arrangement' you would prefer. What 'other thing' would you like?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO ASSERT BOUNDARIES IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT OR WHEN YOU ARE 'AMBUSHED' ON THE SPOT.
Make the request into a POLITE REQUEST STATEMENT. This may take a while to figure out exactly as tact and consideration are involved.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FIGURE OUT THIS SENTENCE IF YOU ARE RILED OR FEELING BITTER as your sentence will sound riled and bitter!
There's a great deal of skill in making polite requests in such a way THAT DOES NOT OFFEND OR BLAME.
Blaming is rubbish and just creates more problems. Besides, as AA tells us, we are usually TALKING OUT OF OUR A**E when we are angry. Well I am anyway! I don't know about you. I always think I am a demented Looney frothing at the mouth when I am experiencing anger. Even if the thing that I am objecting to is TOTALLY AWFUL BEHAVIOUR.
Why do I think that? Because you never see the Dalai Lama lose the rag with the Chinese. That's why. Now there IS a sane individual!

Ok. Plan your 'request statement' IN ADVANCE. And just 'wait in the undergrowth' for the person to do the thing THAT REALY ANNOYS YOU again. They will! They always do! You could probably set your watch by it!
Next time you chat to them, just wait for the SAME OLD SAME OLD to come up again.
Then REALLY CASUALLY, just drop in IN A VERY 'OFF THE CUFF', 'MATTER OF FACT WAY' your prepared SENTENCE. MAKE IT AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE. NO LONG WINDED, MEANDERING, TRAILING OFF SENTENCES.
SHORT AND SWEET. NO DRAMA. NO BLAME. NO RECRIMINATION.
CALM AS A CUCUMBER.

No doubt they will probably seem momentarily surprised. They might go 'Oh'.
SEIZE the MOMENT. DO NOT LET THEM START A LONG DEBATE ON WHY? OR PULL YOU OFF TRACK.
Before they get a chance to counter, debate, or argue the point, just say 'Yeah, I'd much prefer it if you could do that, I know it might seem a bit weird! Is that ok?
'ok'
Cool. (Job done!)

Then the NEXT time they do it, (They ALWAYS do!) you just need to smile and give them THAT LOOK and say 'Remember that conversation we had?' they say 'oh yes'. You say , 'Well then I wont need to repeat myself then, will I? (I always try to do these things in good humor, with a friendly smile)
'No'
'Good'.
(Done!)
See? No drama!

Why do I know this, BECAUSE I FORGOT MY 'RULES OF ENGAGEMENT' recently, and did it in a 'clunky' way instead. Doh! See I don't meet ANY boundary crashers these days, and so I had forgotten my ROUTINE.

Oh well
I'll give you MY example to show you how I SHOULD have done it.

Problem. Nosey Girlfriend (not on a 'spiritual path' as such.) I used to talk to her about 'guy stuff', both hers and mine. But although I knew she meant well insofar as she tried very hard to find solutions for me, I found her feedback and ensuing questions increasingly irritating. I was not happy with her MOTIVE on both counts.
I felt her motive to FIX was coming from her INABILTY TO TOLERATE DIFFICULTY, and I suspected her motive for REPEATEDLY asking me about my state of affairs was GRATUITOUS CURIOSITY. Either way, it wasn't working.

So what I SHOULD have said was...
(Me) ' You know X, I know you really care about me, and in truth you have been a very loyal and reliable friend to me, but I'm afraid I would MUCH rather PREFER IT if you STOPPED asking about these things when we get together.
If there's something I REALLY think you NEED TO KNOW, I WILL tell you. But in the meantime, PLEASE stop questioning me about it. Ok?'

Dissent of some sort. 'Oh don't be silly, sure I'm only asking' etc

(Me) 'Really. I would really appreciate it if you would do that from now on.'

If continued dissent..

(Me) 'If its any help, I used to get upset when girlfriends didn't tell me ALL about their personal stuff. I fell out with someone a while back over it. I was pretty mad! Since then I have learned that THEY ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO TELL ME ANYTHING. And I respect that. Sorry if that seems strange to you. It seemed strange to ME when I was mad at MY friend. But I can see it differently now, and I take an entirely different view.
Of COURSE we're still friends! Its just for the time being I would prefer it if you stop asking me about this.'

Even if you are feeling REALLY PISSED OFF by their objections or protestations. DO NOT SHOW IT. Be CALM AND REASONABLE. But NOT a APOLOGETIC DOORMAT. Just don't froth at the mouth or say something WITHOUT THINKING when you are 'mad'. BECAUSE YOU WILL PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING CLUMSY AND BADLY THOUGHT OUT. Ie CRAP!
End.

Do you see?
The trick is TO HAVE A PLAN. WORD FOR WORD. PREPARED IN ADVANCE.
Yet ANOTHER example of 'you snooze you lose'
Life is not for sissies or lightweights! We have to pay attention EVERY DAY. And there are NO days off!! If we don't get these things RIGHT we just CREATE MORE PROBLEMS FOR OURSELVES. Ah well..

CLUMSY, unkind speech is SO easy to do, when we are angry, because we just aren't very good at THINKING CLEARLY and OBJECTIVELY when our blood is boiling... We always end up doing a very second class job of it..

See I could have just said MIND YOUR OWN EFFING BUSINESS YOU NOSEY COW. JESUS IF YOU ASK ME ONE MORE FREAKING TIME I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT I DO!!.
But that would have ESCALATED the problems somewhat!!!!
Hahaaaa hhaa Sorry I know that's really cheeky but I just thought that was funny. I couldn't resist putting that in... lol
Sorry if that seems terribly 'unspiritual', but I use lots of irreverent, cheeky speech (mostly to myself) to have a laugh about things when something is annoying me. Its one of my 'tricks' for changing my mood. Humor is very powerful. (Not in a way that hurts someone, only in a 'third party' way)

Also if they get nasty. I get firmer and more business-like. Otherwise I keep the mood as light as possible.
If they become antisocial, I leave them alone with a phrase along the lines of 'I think we should leave this for now and continue this conversation when you have cooled down'. Then I LEAVE. I don't tolerate any CRAZYNESS. Loonies ranting or frothing at the mouth NEED TO BE LEFT ALONE! But I very rarely have to deal with this.

Anyway, hope that helps you understand the whole boundary thing. I do it another way too, but this is my main method.

Boundaries. Surplus Expectations of Sponsorship. What a Sponsor is NOT

As you (meaning my Sponsees) are such prolific sponsors yourselves, I believe you will find this information VERY useful. You are at liberty to choose your own sponsorship style (of course!) BASED ON YOUR EXPERIENCE, but this is the general way I view sponsorship. Its important to know roughly what you are obliged to do, and what is a CHOICE. So hope this helps..

Boundaries are TERRIBLY important when it comes to being a sponsor. If you don't use them you will very quickly become railroaded into unwanted responsibilities and you will end up pretty resentful on the demands on your time.

What a Sponsor is NOT under ANY OBLIGATION to be or do.
A sponsor is not....

A dumping ground. Someone to 'dump' on
A 'bleating' opportunity
A ranting opportunity
Someone to listen to war stories for hours
Someone to feel sorry for you, or pity you

A surrogate Mother

A debating society
Someone to 'argue the toss' with
Someone to tell all your 'yes buts' to
Someone to to be honest 'IN AN UNKIND OR INCONSIDERATE WAY' to

Someone to 'fix' you
Someone to make you 'feel better'
Someone who 'owes' you
Someone to blame for not 'fixing' you.

Someone to motivate, cajole, persuade you to follow suggestion.
Someone to explain to you WHY you should follow suggestion
Someone to make you want to get well
Someone to make you willing to take direction

Someone to do your thinking for you.
Someone to read and study spiritual texts for you, so that you don't have to bother.

A mortgage adviser
A property finder
A small business adviser
A financial adviser
A life coach
Someone to give medical advice
A crisis manager
A nutritionist or exercise advisor
A dietician

A Therapist
A person to help you choose a therapist
Someone to explain 'what therapy is', to you
Someone to identify and explain your personality weaknesses to you

A relationship therapist
Someone to help you find a new boyfriend or get rid of an old one.

Someone to tell you how to find a plumber, hairdresser, etc
A problem solving brain stormer
A 'life manager'

Your 'friend'
Someone to chat to for no reason in particular
Someone to hang out with
Someone to chat to when you are bored, needy or lonely
Someone to go shopping with
Someone to invite you round for dinner
Someone to have you round to stay at their house

Your 'guru'
A person who knows the answers to all your problems
Someone to tell you what to do with your life
Someone to make your decisions for you
Someone who is responsible for making all your decisions for you

Someone to provide constant reassurance
Someone to provide regular compliments
Someone to tell you look pretty or you are not fat

A sponsor CAN (if they really want to, or feel that on certain occasions it would be beneficial) to be ANY or all of those things,
BUT THESE 'JOBS' ARE NOT WITHIN THE DEFAULT REMIT OF THE SPONSORS RESPONSIBILITY.

AT THE SAME TIME
If a sponsor feels that ON CERTAIN OCCASIONS certain ADDITIONAL information would be useful, then IT IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE FOR THE SPONSOR TO ASSUME OTHER 'JOBS' temporarily. WHEN THEY CHOOSE TO.
So basically these jobs are an optional CHOICE decided on a case by case basis. BUT SPONSORS ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO THEM.

So what IS a Sponsor? I hear you ask..
Well. The PRIMARY PURPOSE of sponsoring
Is to TAKE YOU THROUGH STEPS ONE TO NINE, and teach you how to maintain your recovery using the MAINTENANCE STEPS ten to twelve.

Why do they do this?
So that you can 'have a spiritual awakening as a result of doing the steps' that will enable you STAY STOPPED. So that you need NEVER DRINK AGAIN.

That is the point of doing the steps, and that is why we sponsor people.

"OUR PRIMARY PURPOSE is to STAY sober and HELP other ALCOHOLICS to ACHIEVE sobriety." (From The AA Preamble)

ANYTHING OVER AND ABOVE THAT IS A BONUS. AND IS NOT A REQUIREMENT OF THE SPONSORSHIP PROCESS.
THE SPONSOR IS AT LIBERTY TO DECIDE HOW MUCH ADDITIONAL HELP THEY ARE WILLING TO OFFER. Ie. THEY ARE NOT OBLIGED.

OBVIOUSLY there are MANY different ways that people CHOOSE to sponsor.
This explanation is a VERY PERSONAL INTERPRETATION of how I have chosen to view sponsorship based on the experiences I have had in the last 20 years.

My priorities are to prevent people from drinking themselves to death FIRST. And EVERYTHING else comes second, and is essentially a bonus. Because most people I know who sponsor are very busy and have jobs and lives to manage, I do NOT endorse endless problem solving as an aspect of sponsorship once the Sponsee has completed the first nine steps, as it just takes up time and has gone WAY beyond the 'drinking oneself to death' phase. Once they are 'safe' from drink. They do not need a 'life manager'. I encourage people to ask advice from the VAST POOL OF WISDOM in aa, if they have a 'specialist query' after step 9.
Besides, GOD HELP you if you choose to sponsor in this fashion as a 'default style'. I promise you, you WILL grow to resent it. Either that or you will have NO CHOICE but to sponsor VERY FEW PEOPLE. I have chosen to adopt ADDITIONAL responsibilities on a case by case basis, AS A SHORT TERM MEASURE, but I do NOT assume responsibility for those other areas as a DEFAULT position.

So this is just to help you 'see' what the OBJECTIVES are (as I see it) of sponsoring people. I am NOT speaking for AA as a whole when I say these things. It is a programme of attraction not promotion. It is not for people who NEED it, it is for people who WANT it.
DO NOT FEEL that you are OBLIGED to choose this type of sponsorship. You are not. WE ALL HAVE FREE WILL IN AA SO PLEASE USE YOURS!

Be guided by results not reasoning. I chose my sponsor because she was (and still is) able to render 'prodigies of service', AND STILL HAVE A LIFE.
I have never wanted to be like people who (as a result of sponsoring), compromised the quality of their own lives, or just didn't HAVE a life.
I 'did not want what they had'. This is very personal.

If you think you DO want or expect a great deal more from your sponsor than being instructed how to achieve PERMANENT SOBRIETY, ask yourself IN ALL HONESTY, whether you are willing to offer that to ALL your Sponsees in return. We are instructed to draw FROM OUR EXPERIENCE, not our OPINIONS, based on what other people do. If ALL YOU REALLY KNOW IS ONE TYPE OF SPONSORSHIP BASED ON A MULTITUDE OF TASKS over and above the twelve steps, then you will have NO OTHER CHOICE, but to draw from THAT experience when you sponsor people yourself. Ie you are 'stuck' with ONE frame of reference (meaning experience) to draw from.