Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Well, after all those kind comments you alcoholic bloggers left for me in the last post, I think I'm going to have to do buy this book, and commit it entirely to memory :)
..no, seriously, this book does appeal to me, but I confess I haven't read it yet.
Its called: Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Personally, I think the ego is extraordinarily insidious. Never really goes away. Best you can do, is learn to tolerate it gracefully. Some people, do manage to have very impressive absence of? Ego. Not nearly enough unfortunately.
There is that whole, "false humility" thing, which I find a little bit distasteful. I'm not very good at tolerating it, because I find it embarrassingly transparent. If it was less obvious, then it wouldn't bug me so much. But as it is, it's sort of stands out like a sore thumb, and it's very difficult to not notice.

Also, this subject has significance for either someone with long-term sobriety, or someone with less sobriety who is able to enjoy a high standard of of emotional stability, for want of a better word. When I say emotional stability, I don't mean that they somehow experience that sort of "flat line" emotional life. What I mean is, that they don't take their emotional state personally. Meaning their relationship to their varied, unpredictable, and conflicting states, is "no big deal".
And of course, this applies to all those that by default have a confident demeanour, and a tendency towards complacency.

Personally, I find when things are going well, that's the time I'm most likely to get lazy and complacent. So success for me, is a sort of minefield. You'd be surprised how easy it is to wreck things, by just letting things slide. So, the more success you experience, the easier it is to become complacent. Well that's what I find anyway.

So, I think this book looks quite promising. There is nothing more unattractive than grandiosity. And how easy! it is to think oneself slightly better than the next man, especially when the next man is in a particularly sorry state, for one reason or another. Like someone said, "it's easy to love the lovable ones".

I must admit, I find those things I learned from having to deal with success of one sort or another, quite interesting. Because so much of my life before was about failure after failure. So, I never really had to learn how to be responsible when good things came my way. Now I am in a fortunate position in many ways, life is a lot better than it was. I have more luck than I deserve. And yes, in this impermanent world, nothing is certain. "This too shall pass". The good things pass, and the bad things pass. But in the past all I had was lots of bad things. At least, that's the way it seemed. I daresay I have a slanted perception of my past, so they that may not be entirely accurate! But yes I became very good at different forms of crisis management. Whereas now, my challenge is to maintain the good things, so that I do not allow them to slip through my fingers. Nor hold on to them so tightly, that I squeeze the life out of them. And this is an entirely new lesson. For me.

So anyway, it I just thought I would mention this book, because us alcoholics are a bit ! weak on the ego front. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be uniquely awful. ..So much so that we are 'special and different', in a worse way, than other aa's. Which is bull.

Right I'm off. And thank you so much for your kind comments on my birthday. If I'm honest, compliments make me slightly uncomfortable, As I subscribe more to the Kipling review of criticism and compliments From be poem called if

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

Meaning I think of both criticism and compliments as imposters. Because neither of them tell the whole story. And no matter how nice the thing you are telling me is, I know that there is another side to that. And that feeling never really leaves me, so on the one hand it is only polite to say thank you, but I don't feel as though I am a better person because I have those compliments. the nagging reality of my varied nature is all too apparent, unfortunately. I don't mean that in a disparaging sense, because I wholeheartedly believe that all humans contains shades of light and dark, so when I say that, it has no 'good' or 'bad' meaning. it's like saying 'I am just like you'. So there is no sense of shame or criticism, for me when I think those thoughts.

One thing I like about long-term sobriety, if that every now and again, life pulls you up short, in no uncertain terms, and lets you know absolutely that you don't know everything. So I kind of know that a moment that feels just like that, lies ahead. And that's why it easier to not take success or failure personally, and to see it all as shades of experience. Neither good nor bad. Right or wrong.

There I go again. I had every intention of writing a very short post. Just mentioning the book and the author and leaving it at that. Typical.
Well have a fabulous day, wherever you are :)

Which 'race' are you when push comes to shove? The decent or indecent man?

"From all this we may learn that there are two races of men in this world, but only these two-the '"race" of the decent man and the "race" of the indecent man. Both are found everywhere, they penetrate into all groups of society. No group consists entirely of decent or indecent people. In this sense no group is of pure race and therefore one occasionally found a decent fellow among the camp guards."
p94 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Viktor E. Frankl was a therapist who was in the concentration camps. Its a very dignified exposition of the beauty of the human spirit and what makes us 'good' and 'bad'. Riveting. Fascinating.

LOVE this book. Very short very readable.

Some prisoners when their backs were against the wall became horribly ruthless and cruel in order to survive at !!!! any price. Others maintained their dignity despite the ravages of the situation and would offer their last piece of bread to another in the most frightful and despairing circumstances.
So you see. We CHOOSE the next right thing (moral restraint and impulse control) or giving in to our reptilian survival impulses, oblivious to the next man. Heedlessly following the instinctual, habitual path of least resistance. Which one would you like to be?

"Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted as wrongly as you are about to act now!"
p114 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

I realized that I do the above without realizing when I speak to newcomers or sponsor people. I easily see the fork ahead in the road leading to an alternate destination were I to NOT explain to them how to dig themselves out of the hole. It is what motivates me to pass it on. The !!!! carnage and destruction down road B motivates me to TRY to educate them to travel down road A. so yeah I like this maxim.

..and describing a talk he gave his fellow prisoners after a !!! bleak and awful day:
"I asked the poor creatures listening to me attentively in the darkness of the hut (reminds me of Bill Wilson talking gravely to the assembled huddle of alcoholics in his kitchen) to face up to the seriousness of our position. They must not lose hope but must keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of our struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning. I said that someone looks down on each of us in difficult hours-a frind, a wife, somebody alive or dead, or a God-and he would not expect us to disappoint him. He would hope to find us suffering proudly -not miserably....................The purpose of my words was to find a full meaning in our life, then and there, in that hut, and in that practically hopeless situation. I saw that my efforts had been successful. When the electric bulb flared up again, I saw the miserable figures of my friends limping toward me to think me with tears in their eyes."
p91 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Fantastic book. Go get it. Takes an afternoon to read.
Have a fabulous Thursday!

I am oblivious to xmas so far. Just concentrating on study at the moment. Trust me. "Its just another day". Really. "There are no big deals" and all that. Hehe but I !! LOVE swerving all the seasonal palaver. Social ritual seems utterly meaningless to me. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye" as they say.

Outward stuff is just 'stuff'. So I am not terribly interested in it. I try to make sure I have no ketchup stains on my shirt (heheh) and all that, but above and beyond presentation (for the purposes of being considerate), my interest in plumage and ? nest building is a big fat zero. Hehe
So yeah do all that stuff if you REALLY want to but Im telling you it means NOTHING to me. Absolutely nothing. Kindness never goes out of fashion, but the palaver and running around I can do without.

Right gotta go.!!! Mind your head! :) Especially if you are in your first year. (Because it's nearly xmas and people tend to go a bit mad if they are not vigilant)

Creative problem solving: (Online) Oblique strategies by Brian Eno

Like a tarot deck but different. It was initially a device to assist painting projects. Especially under pressure.
Its a creative problem solving tool which allows you to consider a fresh perspective when things seem stale, predicable or unfruitful.

Something to 'shake up' the thinking, when we are being habitual and uninspired in our approach to situations.

Here is a site that allows you to pick a card. But you need to have adobe shock wave installed for it to work.

Brian eno is quoted here as saying:
" Oblique strategies evolved from me being in a number of working situations when the panic of the situation - particularly in studios - tended to make me quickly forget that there were others ways of working and that there were tangential ways of attacking problems that were in many senses more interesting than the direct head-on approach. If you're in a panic, you tend to take the head-on approach because it seems to be the one that's going to yield the best results Of course, that often isn't the case - it's just the most obvious and - apparently - reliable method. The function of the Oblique Strategies was, initially, to serve as a series of prompts which said, "Don't forget that you could adopt *this* attitude," or "Don't forget you could adopt *that* attitude."

The first Oblique Strategy said "Honour thy error as a hidden intention." And, in fact, Peter's first Oblique Strategy - done quite independently and before either of us had become conscious that the other was doing that - was ...I think it was "Was it really a mistake?" which was, of course, much the same kind of message. Well, I collected about fifteen or twenty of these and then I put them onto cards. At the same time, Peter had been keeping a little book of messages to himself as regards painting, and he'd kept those in a notebook. We were both very surprised to find the other not only using a similar system but also many of the messages being absolutely overlapping, you know...there was a complete correspondence between the messages. So subsequently we decided to try to work out a way of making that available to other people, which we did; we published them as a pack of cards, and they're now used by quite a lot of different people, I think. "

You can buy the bunch of cards from amazon, but the online version is probably easier and less hassle.

Have a nice Sunday!

GREAT relationship advice in Chapter 8 of the Power of Now

Just thought I'd share that.
MUCH better than your average therapy-speak, self help stuff. (In my opinion anyway.)

Goes much further than logic alone. So to speak. Its pretty !! difficult to explain adequately, so probably easier to read it yourself.

His approach seems to be an extended essay on acceptance and surrender to whatever is happening RIGHT NOW. Perfect!
It really reveals the extremely (!!!) high wisdom of the serenity prayer. (when used to good effect.) But its a VERY SKILLFUL interpretation of what the serenity prayer means.
Right I'd better be off you guys!

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
(Oh yeah and you can get all these things straight from the iTunes store as well in case you don't already know.)

The meaning of Pride (manifesting as Judgment) as learned in Step 4 and 5

Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell

I think this book explains what Sponsees (hopefully) come to understand as being 'Pride' - manifesting as 'Judgment' in step 5. This book really encapsulates the pointlessness of making ANYTHING 'good' or 'bad'.
It is essentially an essay on how reality is in fact NEUTRAL, yet we ascribe value to it either in the form or 'good' or 'bad'. This creates problems with the self, as we 'decide' some bits of us are 'good' and others 'bad', and EDIT our expression of yourself to EXCLUDE the parts we fear we will be JUDGED for...Not realizing that the very act of doing this *ucks us up and destroys any sense of authenticity and integrity. A loss or drop in honesty ALWAYS results in a diminishing and lowering of the personal state. Basically 'we are as sick as our secrets'. (By the way this does NOT mean that a 'free for all' approach to honesty is any good either!)
What's the solution? A COMMITMENT TO TELL THE UNFLATTERING EGO PUNCTURING TRUTH EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Hahhaah
Yeah! Easy huh? (..erm.. no!)
Well its not as bad as it seems. Thank GOD AA prepares us for this by the 'induction' of step 4 and 5. The idea is, is that that teaches us the GOOD things that come to pass when we learn to made ego puncturing admissions a way of life.
Oh well.
Anyway I just found this book the other day, and realize that it contains a lot of the principles I learned by going to retreats and doing step 11 stuff. It espouses 'Neither repression nor indulgence' (as the monks use to say), but kind goes on a bit so you know exactly what that sentence means. Its a book about ACCEPTANCE of the MYRIAD of internal landscapes us human beings get to experience on a daily basis! So if you have not yet grasped that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD BUT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT, then this might be a good book for you to read. Its very short. I prefer thing to be expressed in more esoteric terms than therapeutic terms ,buts that's my personal preference. I find this book a little limiting, but a VERY good starting point for those who are ENSLAVED by a belief that they are 'bad, or what they think and feel are 'bad'.
No such thing my friend! Us humans ALL have weird s**t floating around in our brain space from time to time! Its no big deal! Trust me!
Right now I REALLY am off..

VERY Highly Recommended. Eckhart Tolle Audio books. 'Power of Now' and 'New Earth'

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
(Oh yeah and you can get all these things straight from the iTunes store as well in case you don't already know.)

An alcoholic with a more advanced appreciation than myself, of the function of Step 11, gave me a copy of the above titles the other day, and I must say it's good stuff! Thanks J!
Here is a list of the audio books by Eckhart Tolle on Amazon for your reference. In case you are interested..

I have this on ongoing repeat play on itunes in the kitchen, (makes a nice change from lectures..) and on shuffle on my ipod player in the bedroom. (all night when I sleep) When I'm roaming about I'm plugged into my ipod, so basically I'm listening to this LOADS.
I leave stuff on all the time in the background. Don't know why. I just do. (Hmm.. Avoiding study perhaps? ..Heheh)
TV is for wimps! Heheh. Well see I don't really watch TV and I only put low speech radio on to provide low background noise. Music is for running, gym and cleaning up, and staying awake when I VERY tired.
Books are COOL. I am not very !!! Good at reading, but I am better at listening. Books tend to get neglected. But I cant ignore stuff that is playing.
I really like it. Its filled in gaps and put together bits I did not see were connected.
I can see that it might seem confusing for someone that is still very caught up in their ? illness before step 9. As really a much more pragmatic approach is needed until the psyche stabilizes after step 9.

Having said that, if it doesn't freak you out or confuse you, I think it is FINE to listen to this type of stuff whenever really. Only YOU will know if this is 'doing your head in' or not. If it is, then shelve it till after step 9. If not, just give it a listen but PUT NO PRESSURE ON YOURSELF TO GRASP THE WHOLE NINE YARDS for the time being. Just listen to it 'lightly'. Don't get anxious about the bits that don't make sense, just take the bits that make sense and don't worry about the rest. Oh yeah and don't do something DRASTIC based on something you heard without checking with another human being first!! You know. Basic common sense stuff really.

When I listen to stuff like this, I have no conflict whatsoever between this and AA ? doctrine. Its all one thing. This is a exposition of step 11 and a guide to 'practicing these principles in all or affairs'. That's all. How to be more honest. How to do GOOD step 10's and see though your own BS. Through to what is REALLY important. The bit behind all the pointless ego battles.
He talks a lot about the BS of the ego. I see this is a more detailed description of what AA describes as self centeredness (self obsession/ ego) and the drama we constantly act out as 'the actor running the show'. The thing that creates suffering.
Only yeah, he frames that argument within a ? Existential view of the world in a non dual way. Meaning its all one thing. Whatever. I think its good. There's no point in me trying to explain it really. I just tried so that you might get a rough idea what its about and why I like it.
But its good s**t! Trust me!

Also it is FULL of GREAT advice on relationships, how to get stuff done, and ! all sorts! Cool!
Don't think that this kind of stuff means AA is c*ap or a 'second class' version of spirituality. It is not. AA is very VERY cool, WHEN USED TO GOOD EFFECT. I don't see it as 'second class',in the SLIGHTEST. I just like this more detailed explanation as a way to add a depth of understanding to the largely EXPERIENTIAL lessons AA has taught me. So there you go. (Just in case you thought I was dismissing the AA spirituality...)

Right well I'm off. Have a great Tuesday!
I have to do some study now! Yipes!

When (still drinking) friends or partners think we are not so much ? 'FUN' as we used to be..

"The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind, don’t matter"

Hmm sometimes, others (usually the ones still drinking) view our new found perspective as being a bit ? Gloomy. A bit serious. A bit .. Well not as much 'FUN' as we used to be. What then?

If a guy were to complain about us (women) not being 'our old selves' (meaning ? jolly or upbeat) this is how I would interpret a request to 'snap out of it' and 'put it behind you' etc etc.
By making such a request what he is saying is "it disturbs me now that you are more emotional than you used to be, this frightens me and I would prefer you to have emotions that more closely resemble mine"

Being anesthetized makes a HUGE!!!! difference to the way you feel things. Simple repression is NOT a viable route for you now. You require different directions. You need to learn how to navigate THROUGH the forest. NOT around it. It is the path of the spiritual warrior so to speak. Not for nancys!
If your other half stopped drinking altogether too, he might also feel things (!) differently.

Part of it is also coming to terms with the way men and women are emotionally different. John grey has some good advice in Mars Venus books.
But you cant just 'banish' stuff. You have to learn to live with the tide of UNANESTHETISED emotion, with some GRACE and HUMOUR.
That's all you can do really.
Plus you need to be STRONG enough to do the right thing when you feel overwhelmed or overpowered by unpleasant emotion. You know, usual stuff. Call people, reach out to a newcomer, meetings, fellowship. All that stuff.

But don't worry, It will be FINE. There IS a 'middle way', even is your (still drinking) other half is unlikely to ever REALLY understand what it is like for you to adopt it.
Yes you WILL learn how to be 'Sober NOT Somber', but it ma not happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day, so give yourself some time to figure out this new skill. It IS possible. Even if you can't do it RIGHT NOW.

They F*** You Up by Oliver James

They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life by Oliver James
I saw this the other day and bought it. It's a good un.
I must admit, I like Oliver James. I like Philip Hodson too. Whatever. This is a good book.

If you had dodgy parents, you MUST read it. It doesn't change anything as such, but it maps out some menta and emotional responses to abusive or negligent situations. Gives you a rough guide as to what you are up against. Without self awareness, you really are sc*ewed.
Awareness is the way out. So inform yourself as to how you are habitually getting in the way of your own sanity, and it will be a DARN site easier to act differently.
I don't see this as an 'answer' as such, just a useful roadmap, that informs me which is the best road to take. It is a good observation of the human condition. Read, and learn.
Knowledge is power. It is no substitute for a spiritual life, or of 'constant thought of others', but in order to behave well, it IS necessary to INFORM ourselves. Not in order to feel sorry for ourselves, but to understand ourselves better, with the aim of avoiding some of the more predictable booby traps. Education is a good thing. Anything that shows us our demons is a good thing. We need to be able to see them in order to overcome them. We cannot fight what we cannot see.

Right I better be off. Have a nice Tuesday!

Are you being a Control Freak with your Character Defects?: "The more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got." p66

Interior Stone Gothic Archways, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Stop fighting your demons: (Control Freak. White knuckle. Self will)

For me its when I am essentially being a CONTROL FREAK that I get hung up on the TODAY's emotional 'outcome.' For example:

Whether I am impatient TODAY
Whether I am intolerant TODAY
Whether I have self pity TODAY
Whether I have inferiority TODAY

The 'outcome' is NONE OF MY BUSNESS. We all have a ?'dark side', a weak side to our personality. I just don't feel ? shame about that anymore. but that's shadow work really. Once you understand the shadow side of things, you stop feeling judgmental and bad about dark ? lurking parts of the mind.

By the way these are GREAT books on Shadow work:
Meeting the Shadow by Connie Zweig
A Little Book on the Human Shadow by Robert Bly
Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Doesn't mean I ENCOURAGE them. Just means I accept that EVERY human has them. The whole human condition is a bit weird really. Can be very dark and very light at the same time. There are so many facets to the mind. It never ends. Its when we stop 'fighting' the 'dark side' that a RELAXED ACCEPTANCE sort of 'kicks in' and everything calms down. Ironic really. 'the more we fight and try to have our own way, the worse matters got' as they say..

Life is just TOO SHORT. And besides, getting hung up on this stuff is too much like taking myself FAR TOO SERIOUSLY. Not wearing life like a loose garment.
I call it 'right effort'. Where I am putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do the 'next right thing', but at the same time, NOT BEING PREOCCUPIED WITH THE OUTCOME too much.
Yeah its a bit of a balancing act. Lots of effort. Going to ANY LENGTHS sometimes as a matter of fact, but not placing my mental energy in the OUTCOME. Why? Because IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I have no way of controlling the outcome, so it makes no sense really to get too concerned with it.
So yeah. Get busy going to ANY LENGTHS to have a FABULOUS life, but do not waste one iota of mental or emotional energy on the outcome of your efforts, as you have no control over the outcome anyway.

Whatever. That's just what I think.
Yeah I get frustrated at the speed of my improvements in some areas too. But that's normal to feel like that from time to time. I just don't have the mental energy to be 'fussy' about my recovery. Being pretty laid back has become the norm, so fussing over ANYTHING just feels ? 'odd'. So yeah, I want things quicker too, but by and large I just kind of plod on, and just get on with it.

Juniper cleansing bath: "Cleaning off' negative vibes AFTER the event

Times when you might want to use a Juniper cleansing bath are:

If you have been on the receiving end of sour, angry poisonous words.
If someone yelled at you.
If a boss was aggressive to you at work.
If a driver yelled something very aggressive at you.
If a relative HATES you, and you have to be in a normal sized room with them for 2 hours, even though you do not speak to them.
If poisonous words were directed at you.
If you were stuck in a physiaclly confined space with a disturbed or angry person.
If you just had a row.
If you feel completely DRAINED after having spoken to someone.
If you can tell someone hates you, or really dislikes you, even though they never actually SAY it. You can just 'feel' it.
If you are physically very close to very depressed people, very sick people, work in hospitals where people are dying or critically ill.
If you work in a shelter or something. Or physically close to very mentally disturbed, aggressive, violent and out of control people.
You have been in a very negative building. A place where people have been tortured or what have you. You know. Places where violence has habitually occurred. Prison cells. Gawd knows. I went to a prison museum once without really thinking about it. Never again!
If you have felt threatened by the way someone looks at you.
Bad vibes basically!
I call em 'toxic people and situations'. They are just places where there is a lot of sickness. That's all.

I can't speak for you but I cannot help but be affected by others moods, good and bad, so sometimes I sort of need to 'detox' after exposure to messed up people. of which there are many! I live in a pretty crowded area so cannot really avoid people!

I got this tip from a Patricia Davis Aromatherapy book by the way..
How you do it:
You just put 2 drops of PROPER !!! (meaning high grade from a GOOD supplier like Fragrant Earth online) Juniper essential oil into a bath of CLEAN water. Stick it in while the tap sare running and mix it through. When its full, just soak in the water for 10-20mins or something. that's all. Use the CLEAN water to sort of go through the motions of 'washing' yourself. DO NOT USE SOAP, bath salts or other ? products. Just the clean water with the 2 drops of essential of mixed into the filled tub. Make sure you wash your head properly. It's always a bit difficult to soak ones head properly in the bath! Its just like having a bath really, but without any regular products as such. When you are 'done' have a normal bath after the 20min soak if you feel like it. It doesn't really matter. The 'proper' name for this type of bath is a ''ritual cleansing bath'. Whatever. It doesn't really matter what you call it. Patricia Davis is 'top dog' in the aromatherapy world by the way. She knows what she is talking about. I find the stuff she suggests works. But see for yourself. Don't take my word for it.

It's a GREAT way to ? wash that 'stuff' off. Works for me!
I started doing stuff like this after step 11 as I felt MUCH more sensitive to other people after that. Still do. Some people (admittedly not many) leave me ! wiped out for 24 hours after 4 hours conversation. I'm just exhausted!! Other times if I have been in close proximity to a LOT of very anxious or distressed people, I feel like I need to wash 'something' off me afterwards. Whatever. If you get round to doing a few retreats in step 11 you will know what I mean. At the end of, say a five day retreat, returning home can be quite jangly and unpleasant. Like someone turned the volume up and fast forwarded everything, and filled it with conflict and sourness. It wears off, after you get used to 'normal life' again, but the adjustment is not pleasant!

Social skills: 'Guilt Manipulation'

I call that 'guilt tripping' thing 'guilt manipulation.' There's a very useful reference to it on page 61 of the book '

Making Friends: A Guide to Getting Along with People' by Andrew Matthews,

..which looks a bit too simple at first sight, but has LOADS of really useful references for basic social skills in it. I recommend some of his books to Sponsees for learning basic ways of relating to other peoples demands, expectations, etc. I see all that stuff as common sense, in that 'normal' (meaning reasonably happy) people do these things anyway, but most people in AA have no idea how to do these things and they need to learn them from scratch. I say 'common' sense, but 'common' sense isn't nearly !! as common as I'd like it to be. I found his books really helpful. They just look a bit naff, that's all.

Anyway, its pretty good going to be able to distance yourself from the 'scene of the crime' (in resentment terms) when provoked If I am feeling heated, I try to get some distance between me and the resentment, otherwise I just cant think things through.

The Secret is GREAT! An excuse for a mental spring clean!

I read about the Film called The Secret on Dharma's Blog , so I looked it up. Thank you Dharma!!
Anyway I will give you a DVD of this if I see you as its pretty cool. But if I don't see you you'll just have to get your own copy!
I've studied Metaphysics since I read The Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox years ! ago. I don't really make a huge effort to do it, but I have always thought it worked. Anyway , lets say I am doing a little revision of this subject.
I happen to think this film does a very good job of explaining the subject overall, and saves you having to read a TON of books from the Metaphysics section in Watkins.

Basically the principle is
You move towards. and become like, that which you think about. Whether it is good for you, Or bad for you.

So knowing that. Our 'job' is to
Decide what you want, and then focus on it.

The alternative is to get 'pulled' this way and that by very UNintentional thoughts!
So that's what I'm busy doing at the moment.
Revising in a VERY SPECIFIC WAY, what I want, so that I can bring it into my awareness more clearly, and also to help me notice where I am gravitating in my thoughts to what I do NOT want, with the aim of addressing those and countering them. A bit of a mental spring clean, so to speak.

Hey thanks everyone for all your kind comments and what have you. It was very sweet of you to drop by and say something nice. I hope y'all have been well and prospering!
My studies are done for a few months. Hopefully! Might be resits, I don't know, but I plan on getting other projects done while the study demands are less. Bit of catching up at the gym to do and what not. Back to the old routine. I feel like a bit of a 'spring clean' so to speak. Clear away a few cobwebs. I have actually got quite a lot of stuff to figure out at the moment! Some things have been neglected due to study, so I need to get those back on track! The task seems quite daunting! Losing weight gained, or reducing my fat percentage, resuming a pretty draconian diet! Getting back to my normal grooming regime. All that girlified stuff that us ladies need to do! Loads really. The good news is that I am feeling pretty motivated at the moment, so I plan on using that momentum to get where I want to get to.

I'm feeling very intolerant of negativity while I refocus on the positive stuff, so I want to avoid negative family members while I figure out this stuff. They are a bunch of energy vampires! I'm feeling very conscious of the fact I have some free time to put to good use, so I have good intentions to make the most of it.
Anyway I am going to get busy doing that, so I'm off! Have a great Wednesday!

An online copy of The Prophet by Khalil Gibran

Here is the link for the online copy of The Prophet

The link for all Kahlil Gibrans other written stuff online here

I've only just discovered that Kahlil Gibrans works are all posted online. Cool! I never got round to buying his books, but have always meant to get round to reading The Prophet. Now I can! Online! Anyway, these are pretty standard books of spiritual wisdom as far as I know, so it's quite nice to know you don't have to buy a copy. They are always displayed prominently in Watkins Books. Now I will dip into them as I meander round the web.

Gibran died in New York City on April 10, 1931: the cause was determined to be cirrhosis of the liver.

He may very well have been a raving alky as it happens, but it wouldn't be the first time great teachers have had this illness. The presence of alcoholism in a teacher does not undermine their material for me, any more than I would disregard a teacher because they had cancer. As far as I am concerned alcoholism is just a disease, and does not interfere with other skills and abilities in a person. Except when they become too ill to render their skill, in which case it does interfere! So what I mean is that his written work still is of value regardless of his alcoholism.

SERIOUSLY easy going, and a little bit wild!

Its very common for aa's to interpret sobriety as some sort of 'super responsible' 'well-meaning, 'well-intentioned' identity.
Well yes it is, but its also VERY easy going. If you try too hard to be 'good', you will wear yourself out! Plus it will be no fun!
There has to be a little room for wildness and unpredictability and play, otherwise it all gets VERY serious and dreary. I like the book 'Women who run with the wolves' because it describes a very healthy form of 'wildness'. Amongst other things.

Stop trying so hard!
Stop trying to be 'good' or 'nice'. (It looks sugary and fake anyway) Integrity is FAR more attractive.
Avoid being earnest, over responsible, and serious.

Easy does it, but do it!
Wear life like a loose garment.

'Top up' Remedies to 'smooth' the impact of Step 11

Step 11 when done in the company of senior monastics can be quite 'aggressive' meaning it can bring about quite powerfully felt upheavals. This is not always the case. It is an entirely unpredictable phenomenon. But generally, given the high level of denial in your average alcoholic, plus the lack of experience with fully-felt emotions, it is fairly predictable that (eventually) the average alcoholic will feel things in a way which (for them) may seem quite strong. Don't worry if you seem to have NO reaction. Like I say, it's totally unpredictable. It's not unusual for monastics (for instance) to spend a long time finder the 'right' community to join. What I mean is, its very personal.
Also, certain traditions are more accessible than others. For instance if you were drawn to the shamanic American Indian tradition, you would be hard pushed to find a good or inspiring teacher in England. But who knows as I haven't researched that in much detail. You don't really choose these things. They choose you. But it is safe to say that we have some VERY HIGH CALIBER teachers on our doorstep so we are very lucky. The Good Retreat Guide is FULL of GREAT places to try out.

This is why I emphasize seeking out competent and ideally senior meditation groups and monastics as they make this transition easier than if you were to try to do it on your own. The aim is to process some of the 'backlog', even though it doesn't feel very nice! And then just get better at feeling things without making the feelings into a problem (in respect to your thoughts about them.)

These supplementary Step 11 therapies are for when you are NOT in meditation groups. Ie all the rest of the time! These are soft, fluffy 'mild' therapies which will make for an easier time. Otherwise you can become a bit of a grouch! They're very good, don't get me wrong, its just I see them as a SECONDARY device, rather than the 'main event'.
This is sensible practice even if you feel FINE or blissed out after doing step 11, and if you start going on retreats you will find these therapies are pretty much 'standard issue' supports for any meditation practice, that 'normal' happy people use. Its' just sensible.

So..
When you're 'processing' a lot of 'stuff' (usually due to doing a lot of step 11), I think you should 'up' the usage of 'energetic medicine' for want of a better word.
This stuff is what I call 'fluffy', meaning it takes the 'edge' off strong 'stuff'. Its therapeutic and feels nice. Its sort of like a portable monastery! It should change the energy of your self and (in terms of the oil burners), your home too.
This only really applies to people who are doing 'proper' retreats. Unless of course you find yourself experiencing strong re emergence of 'stuff' without the aid of retreats. In which case go ahead!
By and large this is for post step 9 only, as you don't really want to be mucking around with this stuff before then, just in case it sets the step 11 ball rolling prematurely. Which would NOT be a good idea!

That would include
Regular healing. Ie NFSH. Hey its FREE!
Physical therapies. Such as
Chi Kung, ('standing like a tree' as they call it. Can be done at home easily in front of the telly) All you need is the book 'The way of Energy'. Its really easy to do. It is a form of healing, but self generated. Also just ten minutes a day can be good.
Shiatsu Treatments (See Zen school at Old Street). They are very cheap, one Saturday morning a month. Also fri eve class is cheap.
Also, this book showing Polarity Therapy Exercises is excellent. It shows you, among other things, how to do the Taoist Arch. Very short and sweet exercises.
Look up physical therapies in the Topics listing for reference.

I would also use energetic remedies such as Australian Bush Flower Creams:/Sprays:. Or Bach flower creams if you prefer those. I prefer the Australian Bush flower range as I'm more familiar with them and I think their uses are very 'contemporary'. Meaning they address 'modern' issues.
But basically I just never really got to know the Bach flower range. I've seen the rescue remedy cream but never tried it.
You can either get them from GOOD health food shops, or the London Homeopathic Hospital Pharmacy on Great Ormond Street. Open 9 till 5pm.

Aromatherapy at home. In the form of oil burners. Buy essential oils from fragrant earth ONLY and DEEP oil burner basins from culpepper in Covent garden. Read Subtle Aromatherapy book so you know how to use them. BE CAREFUL WITH THEIR USE AS THEY CAN BE TOXIC WHEN EXPOSED TO THE SKIN DIRECTLY.
And be careful with candles!!!
Equal quantities of Lavender and Vetiver is a good home combo. It does a bit of everything.

Protective use of the Green Tara Mantra whilst 'out and about', if you are becoming sensitive to other people and it doesn't feel very pleasant!
Om Tare Tuttare Ture Soha
You can buy a mala from Watkins if you like using the mantra in conjunction with that. But its not necessary. It helps if you get a nice picture of a green Tara from Watkins though.

Also if you go to the mind body spirit show they sell a greater range of sprays than you would find in the average health food shop, some which work very well. Same theory as other flower essences.

I've tried these: ones and I thought they were lovely. I think most brands work in the main. Al the ones i've bought seem to work pretty well anyway. Just try out some and see if they have any effect.

And last but not least, I strongly recommend increased use of active imagination 'conversations' with 'wise beings' as a useful tool to supplement what you are doing with your meditation practice. You are going to need additional support, and this kind of work is very personal so its not always easy to do with your normal channels. Active imagination is very portable, accessible. and free! Its basically a modified version of having a chat with your higher power. So WELL within your capability!

And it goes without saying that basic books on meditation like 'a path with heart' are 'standard issue'. Otherwise you wont have a clue what's happening!

There are a MILLION different ways, (some VERY expensive) of doing this stuff as you will find out when you attend something like the mind body spirit festival. Also some expensive charlatans! These are just some easy and effective ones you can try yourself.

Obviously it's up to you how much extra support using these things you plan on using, but the more you do things which make you feel good, the more step 11 'work' you can 'take on board'. Use a bit of common sense though! If all the step 11 is getting a bit much you can offset the effects by absorbing your attention in distracting things such as cinema, food, tv, ANY distraction will have this effect somewhat. I'm just saying you don't have to go at step 11 'full tilt' all the time. You can ease up on it, from time to time, if you find it makes you feel better. Its entirely up to you, and is already covered pretty well in the book 'spiritual emergency', so I don't need to repeat it here.
Spiritual Emergency: When Personal Transformation Becomes a Crisis Stanislav Grof

Also homeopathy is EXPENSIVE and requires word of mouth recommendation to avoid getting a 'duff' one, but they can prescribe remedies specifically designed to address energetic weaknesses in the body. But im inclined to see how you get on on your own steam as I know some very respectable practitioners who use these things. So don't think of them as the 'cheap seats'. They are as good as anything else you would pay for if you apply yourself to them.

Don't be slavish about this stuff. Just try it and see what works for you.

Oh yeah. And BOG STANDARD EXERCISE is HIGHLY recommended as a VERY EFFECTIVE REGULATORY TOOL too. The more 'heavy' the work you are doing, the more you need to be in the gym on the step machine!!
Exercise is fabulous for everything really. Its a great ally. In every sense.

Heartbreaking poem by Thich Nhat Hanh

Just thought I'd post an example of his poetry because I am unable to describe them to you adequately. The only way is to post an example. I love this book.the title of the poem is I Met You in the Orphanage Yard.
By the way they are not all like this. Some are full of bliss and such like..

I Met You in the Orphanage Yard

Your sad eyes
overflowed
with loneliness and pain.
You saw me.
You turned your face away.
Your hand drew circles
In the dusty ground.

I dared not ask you
Where your father or mother was.
I dared not open up your wounds.
I only wished to sit with you a moment
and say a word or two.

O you small ones
of four or five-
your life buds already cut off,
already engulfed
by cruelty, hatred and violence.

Why? Why?
my generation,
my cowardly age,
must shoulder the blame.

I'll go in a moment,
and you will remain
in the shabby yard.
Your eyes will return
to your familiar yard
and your fingers will draw again
those small circles
of pain
In the dusty ground.

Thich Nhat Hanh
From Call me by my True Names. The collected poems of Thich Nhat Hanh.

An Instant cure for self pity and taking yourself FAR TOO SERIOUSLY

They Call Me Naughty Lola: The "London Review of Books" Personal Ads.

See I told you it was funny! They've just made it into a book! Cool.

How to Awaken Love and Compassion

1. Loving Kindness: Unsealing the Spring

When we believe that we don't have enough love in us, there is a method for discovering and invoking it. Go back in your mind and recreate, almost visualize, a love that someone gave you that really moved you, perhaps in your childhood. Traditionally you are taught to think of your mother and her lifelong devotion to you, but if you find that problematic, you could think of your grandmother or grandfather, or anyone who had been deeply kind to you in your life. Remember a particular instance when they really showed you love, and you felt their love vividly.
Now let that feeling arise again in your heart, and infuse you with gratitude. As you do so, your love will go out naturally to that person who evoked it. You will remember then that even though you may not always feel that you have been loved enough, you were loved genuinely once. Knowing that now will make you feel again that you are, as that person made you feel then, worthy of love and really lovable.
Let your heart open now, and let love flow from it; then extend this love to all beings. Begin with those who are closest to you, then extend your love to friends and to acquaintances, then to neighbors, to strangers, then even to those whom you don't like or have difficulties with, even those whom you might consider as your "enemies," and finally to the whole universe. Let this love become more and more boundless. Equanimity is one of the four essential facets, with loving kindness, compassion, and joy, of what the teachings say form the entire aspiration of compassion. The all-inclusive, unbiased view of equanimity is really the starting point and the basis of the path of compassion.
You will find that this practice unseals a spring of love, and by that unsealing in you of your own loving kindness, you will find that it will inspire the birth of compassion. For as Maitreya said in one of the teachings he gave Asanga: "The water of compassion courses through the canal of loving kindness."

Tonglen Practice
from The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche

I read this ages ago in the book The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying, and I found it on this webpage, along with some other methods for invoking compassion. This practice is called 'the Metta Bhavna" or Metta practice. Its a standard in Buddhist teaching but I LOVE the way Sogyal Rinpoche describes it in this passage.

Pulling the rug from under your feet: DOUBT can start playing up a bit when you start doing heavy-duty Monastic Step 11 stuff

Heres something I wrote in a previous post
called One off or Specialist/Sexual queries? Email a therapist!

sometimes these professionals are better at explaining how to practice (what I call spiritual principles) in relation to some other matter. So they are something you can avail yourself of, should you want additional feedback.
Personally, I find that just having the option of that feedback is a comfort in itself. More than the need to actually use it. Meaning its a comfort just knowing that it's there, even if you never actually use it. Its a psychological trick to make you feel safe, when you are experiencing doubt, more than anything.

By the way doubt is not a sign that something is wrong. It is a natural part of any spiritual path. Part of the business of becoming a 'spiritual warrior' for want of a better term is learning how to 'show up for life' and keep on keeping on despite being pulled this way and that by the energy of doubt. Doubt is a lesson in faith and going to any lengths in my opinion. I like to think that I can 'do' doubt, after 18yrs of practice!! It still feels really uncomfortable though!!
But if your sponsor insists that the only way to get well is to give them all your money and let them sleep with your (very cute) husband, then doubt in that instance is a very healthy sign that something is terribly wrong!!
As in ALL things, there is an exception to EVERY 'rule'.
Hahaaa. Good old doubt. One could write a whole chapter on it but I can't be bothered so I won't.
(End of old post)

This subject will be covered a bit in the book a path with Heart and Spiritual Emergency.
They both describe the way the rug is pulled from under your feet as a direct result of step 11
The reason is because PERMANENCE IS A MYTH
NOTHING STAYS THE SAME
EVERYTHING IS IN A PERMANENT STATE OF FLUX
FIXED IDEAS ARE NOT SPIRITUAL
CLOSED MINDEDNESS IS NOT SPIRITUAL
INFLEXIBILITY IS NOT SPIRITUAL

So this new 'thing in the mind, although it feels uncomfortable, is a LOT closer to reality than your previous mindset.
Its VERY healthy.
This is all about SEEING REALITY FOR WHAT IT IS remember? Unflinchingly. Whether it suits us or not.

I think the AA passage that comes closest to the battle we have with doubt is - Some of us have tried to hold on to our OLD IDEAS and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

In this case the 'old idea' is that permanence exists.
Or that there is a 'right answer'
Hahahaha
LIFE IS FAR MORE SOPHISTICATED THAN THAT
A MUCH better summary of the 'truth' would be.. "Maybe good, maybe bad, who knows?"
That's a much more HONEST appraisal of the reality of the situation, and of just how much you REALLY know.

Welcome to the world of uncertainty Ladies!
As I used to say to you all the time, 'The rules are, THERE ARE NO RULES!'
Don't worry. After a while the uncertainty will stop bugging you. It doesn't bother me at all now. Well I can't remember the last time it bothered me.

Here's some things I like when I 'don't know the answer'
Music REALLY helps me get through certain things. It can be powerfully healing. I think of a lot of songs as a form of prayer. But I think ALL thoughts are a form of prayer, so music isn't excluded form that.

We found love,
So don't fight it
Life is a rollercoaster
Just gotta ride it
I need you,
So stop hiding
Love is a mystery
Girl, let's get inside it

Listen
Can't you feel my heart
Can't you feel my heart
Can't you take my heart

Ronan Keating Lyrics
Song: Life Is A Rollercoaster

Love, lift me out of these blues
Won't you tell me something true
I believe in you

Elevation Lyrics. U2

And I have no compass
And I have no map
And I have no reasons
No reasons to get back

And I have no religion
And I don't know what's what
And I don't know the limit
The limit of what we've got

Don't worry baby, it'll be alright
You got the right shoes
To get you through the night
It's cold outside, but brightly lit
Skip the subway
Let's go to the overground
Get your head out of the mud baby
Put flowers in the mud baby
Overground

No particular place names
No particular song
I've been hiding
What am I hiding from?

Don't worry baby, it's gonna be alright
Uncertainty... can be a guiding light
I hear voices, ridiculous voices
In the slipstream
Let's go, let's go... overground
Get your head out of the mud baby

She's gonna dream up
The world she wants to live in
She's gonna dream out loud

Zooropa Lyrics

Jack the 'Stripper'

A Path with Heart: by Jack Kornfield

Jack Kornfield's book is an EXCELLENT account of the type of meditation an the type of Buddhist meditation you will find at amaravati, or any other of the forest Sangha chain monasteries.

He was a monk on and off for AGES in this chain of monasteries. He robed and disrobed so often that the other monks affectionately took the p*** by referring to him as Jack the stripper.
I got to know 2 monks at Devon Vihara that used to know him while he was a monk.
NB. By the way, it would be considered disrespectful and rude to refer to him using that term. Its ok for his 'mates' to call him that, but its not ok for any old person to call him that. You'll understand once you find out a bit more about the monastic path. It can make being in the marines look like a walk in the park! No kidding. It's a hothouse in every sense, and can push you to your absolute limits, if you let it. Mentally emotionally and physically. It can be a doss too. It just depends on the approach you take.

Anyway, he's basically a product of that 'lineage' of teaching, and so this book (apart from being a spiritual classic) tells you a lot about what might be in store for you, if you were to try and practice meditation in the 'style' that is done in Amaravati.
So basically its a roadmap for how to do it, and what you might end up having to deal with as a result of doing it.