AA is not a social club: Friendship in AA is a bonus, not a given.

Firstly let me say I DO know people in AA that are real friends and whose friendship I do value. What I mean here is that I do not use AA as a social club.
I do not go there to 'take', I go to 'give' and therefore "perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because I want to 'survive the certain trials and low spots ahead" (p15, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because the big book tells me it is "imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead" (p14, AA Big Book)
So yeah. Meetings are for doing SERVICE.
Everything else is secondary.

So
12 step meetings are for doing service. Not for making friends. As such. Would you look to make friends from people in a psychiatric ward? We are here because we have a VERY serious mental illness, of which one of the symptoms is a devastating recurring blind spot that conveniently forgets "the suffering and humiliation" (p24, AA Big Book) of past drinking. Amongst other things.

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24, AA Big Book)
Even though we "vaguely sense I was not being any too smart," (p36, AA Big Book)
We have the "curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink." (p37, AA Big Book)
So basically we are a pretty !! mad bunch. In SIGNIFICANT ways. Not minor ones.
Our blind spots are life threatening, until we rid ourselves of this "curious mental phenomenon" (p37, AA Big Book) by completing the first nine steps with the help of a competent sponsor. And keeping it in remission with steps 10 11 and 12.

Most are preoccupied with self. Few seriously think of others. We are all different. It takes ages to teach people how to think of others. 12 step progs can provide a great excuse to become terribly self absorbed whilst deluding oneself that one is a spiritual giant. Easy to do!

I look for friends outside AA mostly, and if friendship occurs in AA I see it as a bonus. Sponsees are good friends as they understand me better than most regardless of how little I see them or speak to them. (more like ex Sponsees at the moment as I am waaay to busy to sponsor at the mo)

I have found face to face is not necessary for friendship and support, but yes we are social animals and we tend to perform worse without the pressures and conflicts social interaction provide. Without these rough spots, we never grow tolerance patience or acceptance.
I find I need time spent being sociable with friends less and less, as I feel connected to them all the time anyway. But yes I need social stimulation to function well.

So I like being around others because I learn from them and am supported by them. But friendship and support comes from absent friends too. People who are not 'in the building'. Books can be friends. Books can be teachers.
Active imagination can feel as real to me as people are. Sometimes feels more real than physical presence. So I can get support without the other needing to be in the building. So to speak.

As regards general friendship. It is the norm that whomever instigates social functions inevitably deals with reluctance and flakiness from those they invite and organize for.
If you are naturally thoughtful of others, be grateful for this natural orientation of the mind that you possess, but do not expect to find it often in others. Do not think people feel and think the same as you and get surprised when you find out they are not. That would be a great recipe for disillusionment. You would be falling prey to Idealism.

My home group was very ? Girl guide aa. Meaning we did it by the book. Were very morally/ethically restrained. In the same way you might expect a paid professional to be. Restraint of tongue and pen. Etc. (Step 10 12x12) a basic ethics principle of 'do onto others as you would.."

10th step 12x12
“Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.”

Most meetings do not work from a basic ethics principle of "Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97, AA Big Book) or "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)
so yeah, people can be very flaky and unreliable.
In the main, my home group members could be relied upon absolutely as they were expected to be in 'service mode' ! constantly. It just went with the territory. Service, service and !!! more service!!!!
"the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles* in all my affairs" (p14, AA Big Book)
*The principle here refers to: "to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book) and "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)

So. For finding people who are capable of being good friends in AA, it is always a good idea to find the MOST SERVICE ORIENTATED members and meetings in your area that you can find, as they tend by and large to be more reliable and considerate than others. Stick with the winners as best you can. Principles before personalities*. Just go to where there is most recovery, and don't get sidetracked by other social trends such as similar background or other considerations.

*(Tradition 12: "ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities.")

So if you want friends that better meet your needs I suggest:
Ask your HP to guide you to the people, places and things that support your spiritual growth the MOST.
And ask for the KNOWLEDGE and POWER to carry out that journey. No matter WHERE it takes you.
"praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Step 11. (p59, AA Big Book)
Then do the footwork. You paddle. God steers.

Cool huh? Scary as well. But that's what growing up is about. We never know where we will end up..
TRUE open mindedness is not for the faint hearted!

Hey gotta go. Have a great Tuesday!!

Great talk on 'Restraint of tongue and pen" by Ajahn Munindo called 'Wise Forebearance'

Ajahn Munindo does a great 20 minute talk here on how to actually practice 'Restraint of tongue and pen" called Wise Forebearance. Great stuff!

Ajahn Munindo does a great 20 minute talk here on how to actually practice 'Restraint of tongue and pen" called Wise Forebearance. Great stuff!

Last 14mins very focused on how to do restraint.
(To stick it on your ipod, right click on the link and it prompts you to 'Download linked file as.." then save it on your desktop. Then itunes, then ipod. Done! )

"Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic."
Step 10. From 12 x 12

Amen!
I don't know about you but I am SERIOUSLY IMPRESED by restraint, and patient endurance. This is NOT to be confused with REPRESSION, which can more likely described as 'Bitter endurance' or unfeeling unawareness. Whatever, anyway, its not the same.
Right I better go. Have a nice Sunday!

PS. I also like Johno's 'Sellotape over the mouth" or ? 'Duct tape the mouth' phraseology to describe this thing. Funny! Though I cant find the post she used it in. oh well. Its good because it shows how HARD it is to do. That's why it impresses me!

Help is the Sunny side of Control: Are you helping or are you being a Control Freak?

I find people can 'smell a rat' at 100 paces. Meaning they can tell if I'm being a control freak yet trying to sound 'helpful'. Similarly, I can be VERY direct with people but at the same time have ABSOLUTELY no 'controlling interest', and when I do that, people seem very happy and untroubled about what I say. They can just 'sense' that it is my view, and I have no delusions that I believe I can 'make' them do anything. So basically what I'm saying is that I think it all comes down to MOTIVE, as opposed to WHAT you say exactly.

NOT being a control freak is EXTREMELY liberating as it enables MUCH freer expression of ideas. You can be much more guiltless in what you say. It doesn't work ALL the time, but then what does? but most of the time seems to go fine really.

The HARDEST people to help are those closest to you. Thankfully I understand when to not patronize people who know more than me by accidentally suggesting something. Its a very embarrassing social faux pas, to accidentally suggest stuff to people who know better. Very embarrassing! Thankfully they are always very polite and never react when I get it wrong. I wish I was like that. Oh well, you cant have ! Everything.

Defensiveness and Blame: My response to life is NOT 'their' fault. Admitting uncomfortable truths and shedding the 'rose tinted' view

I love this subject of alcoholic blame. Blame for drinking. Blame for WHATEVER.
You know, I really KNOW that my alcoholism is nobody else's fault.
But what's STILL very challenging for me and can STILL feel VERY opaque sometimes, is that MY RESPONSE TO *LIFE* IS NOT 'THEIR' FAULT.
Basically casting blame. Looking for JUSTIFICATIONS for my unhappiness with what they are doing.
All resentment is BULLSHIT in my opinion. But its difficult to 'see' that when I'm caught up in something, when something 'rattles my cage', or I just can't handle something, and decide to be 'better than', or 'right' instead. Basically finding fault. Looking down my nose, instead of 'changing my mind' to 'their' view.

(This refers to when I KNOW I am dealing with a person with more knowledge of life than I have. This does NOT refer to when somebody with no impulse control lashes out. This is about TRYING to come to terms with what are essentially uncomfortable truths. Not attempts to control by another)

I 'believe' the triggers in their behavior, and I secretly suspect I am right even though I am reluctant to admit it to them in person as I KNOW judgment is wrong. To me its all about the STUBBORNESS and RELUCTANCE to CHANGE MY MIND about things, and BE PREPARED TO LOOK AT IT FROM ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW. When I am disturbed by something, I don't want to change the entrenched beliefs of a lifetime, and the comfortable self righteous 'better than', that goes with it. I can feel as though my house is built in rock, when the uncomfortable truth is that it IS built on SAND and changes CONSTANTLY, and involves admitting scary truths about myself.

Being honest with myself is one of the hardest things in the world. I want to see WHAT I WANT TO SEE. I don't want to 'see' reality, when it involves 'seeing' DISTURBING truths about reality and myself. Basically, what I call 'embracing uncertainty' and dealing with the 'shadow'.

For me, the battle is about NOT BEING RIGHT. NOT BEING BETTER THAN. (Which all comes from the ego). And being willing to SEE IT ANOTHER WAY. Which is ego again.
E Gads! The ego puncturing aspect of this disease, just NEVER ENDS! But that's ok because I would LOVE to have less ego. But the process of reducing it, is HORRIBLE. Its a real 'CLIMB DOWN'. I ALWAYS find that challenging. No matter HOW long I am around. The 'climbing down' part feels HORRIBLE, at the time. But VERY liberating afterwards.

Plus it actually feels very sad to see the world how it IS sometimes, because it means giving up the 'rose tinted view' of humans, and ANY semblance of certainty. There is NOTHING to hold on to! Giving up a fantasy of how the world works involves a period of grieving the loss of the deluded fantasy.

Conflict resolution: NOTHING is black and white. ..So find the THIRD WAY

Arguing the toss. Fighting Fair. Conflict Resolution.
NOTHING is black and white,

So don't be INFLEXIBLE or STUBBORN when it comes to 'I want' or 'who's right'.

Why?
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our (DEEPLY INGRAINED) old ideas and the result was NIL until we LET GO absolutely." BB p58

"We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument." 12x12 Step Ten

"We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn". 12x12 Step Ten

"we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down." 12x12 Step Ten

"We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish." 12x12 Step Ten

"We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention." 12x12 Step Ten

"It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up." 12x12 Step Ten

Let go or be dragged (Slogan from meetings)

There is ALWAYS a THIRD WAY.
It just takes a bit of CREATIVITY!
Which you should have in SPADES if you are a bit creative!

Well lets face it, we were ALL very CREATIVE when it came to FINDING WAYS TO GET TRASHED.
Well then. I rest my case!

If you both seem to have different outlooks regarding something,
Ask yourself if you can think of a way of 'managing' those seemingly opposing preferences,
Can you think of a bargain you can make between yourselves or boundaries that would allow for the needs of both in a CONSIDERATE way?

Most of life just requires a little bit of imagination! That's all!

Relationships MAGNIFY and confront you with your NEUROSES

Relationships can be INCREDIBLY powerful teachers if used wisely. They seem to magnify the weak !! areas.
Either you become increasingly neurotic and nosedive, or you bite the bullet and go to ANY LENGTHS to do the 'next right thing'.
I think they are very cool. I think it's great that you get the opportunity in relationships to see these neurotic tendencies so clearly in the way you relate to the 'other'.
It's not pretty seeing this stuff, but the alternative is just to keep blindly stumbling around on auto pilot.

Some neuroses that relationships can 'trigger' are:
I'm not good enough.
I don't deserve this (meaning its TOO good).
Insecurity. If I trust this good thing, the rug will be pulled from under me.
You 'see' harmful actions where none exist.
Basically the list is endless. I will have to think up a more exhaustive list in another post.

I know I can desire assurances of some sort, despite that I would never consider asking for one. But generally, I expect very little. My difficulty can be coming to terms with being offered 'more'. That can be very difficult for me.

Anyway. Have a great Sunday!

Harmful Speech: Communicating problems (in order to seek help) WITHOUT Ranting or Dumping

The desire to rant stems from some sort of problem that has arisen.
Pretending the problem does not exist is NOT correct.
That would be REPRESSION. PRETENCE. PRETENDING.
NONE of these are HONEST, so this choice does not comply with AA doctrine.

Addressing the problem.
Looking for a solution to the problem.
Asking for advice or feedback from others in relation to the problem.
Trying out different approaches that have been suggested,
and SEEING FOR YOURSELF what WORKS.
..Are ALL PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS which are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to address whatever problem we encounter.

So when I say 'don't rant' I DO NOT mean
'Say NOTHING about this problem you have encountered'.
'Just pray. But don't talk to me about it'.
'keep this problem to yourself'.

Its NOT about THE CHOICE TO SPEAK about the problem or not.
Its about HOW you speak about the problem.
Ie. It is about LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PROBLEMS TO OTHERS IN A SKILLFUL WAY.

If something is 'skilful' it just means that your actions DO NOT HARM OTHERS.
Frequently. Newer AA's HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HARM IS.

This is usually because they HAVE NOT COMPLETED STEP 8.
Which is the first REAL education as to the EXACT nature of 'harm'.
Until then, AA;s rarely understand this concept.

They feel guilty for EVERYTHING
They feel guilty for not submitting to unacceptable demands
They are easily bullied into thinking they 'ought' to be doing something.

They can 'explode over a trifle'
They can INTERPRET MANY NEUTRAL OR HARMLESS comments or actions as an ATTACK
They are very inconsiderate in that they have VERY high expectations of others. They 'get the hump' when other people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND them.

So what I'm saying,
Is that they SEE harm where NONE EXISTS.
And they SEE NO HARM where harm REALLY DOES exist.

So. This is why it can be hard to explain to them how to,
COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEM WITHOUT RANTING, BLAMING, OR DUMPING.

The problem with ranting is the ATTITUDE of the speech.
Or the INCONSIDERATE NATURE of the speech.

I say to people who rant or dump.
"Do YOU like it, when people talk to you about a problem AS IF THE PROBLEM IS SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT. Or that there is an IMPLIED ATTITUDE that you are SUPPOSED to 'fix' them?"
Or
"Do YOU like it, when people just go ON and ON about 'how crummy their life is', for HOUR upon HOUR, just ranting and bleating?"

They ALWAYS say no.
I say "Well then, why do you KEEP DOING THAT to other people?"
"Don't you care about the way you are making them feel?"
"Why don't you TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED?"

Its surprising what a revolutionary concept this can be for some alcoholics.
They act in a terribly selfish and inconsiderate way, and then they wonder why they are driving people away.
Its very simple
Life is pretty much about CONSTANT THOUGHT OF OTHERS.
Failure to behave in considerate and thoughtful ways, means you will feel VERY ALONE.
Obviously not all alcoholics are like this, but we ALL have this to some extent. To this day, I can STILL see 'blind spots' where I am not engaging with the needs of others IN CERTAIN AREAS.
Its an ongoing 'battle' against the 'self'. The 'ego'.
Learning to be unselfish and kind to our fellow men is a lesson we will NEVER stop learning.

WALK AWAY! Unless you have a heart of STONE, (or are completely NUMB), cruel words will ALWAYS hurt

Words can be INCREDIBLY hurtful. You can 'kill' with words. (Gossip in AA kills, for instance.)
It is VERY important to learn how to SKILFULLY AVOID argumentative and attacking comments, AND argumentative and attacking people.

When someone either thinks or says something POISONOUS toward us this is what is known as 'Psychic Attack'. Well I call it that anyway.
It can take the form of, Rant, bile, blame, digs, sarcasm, hurtful comments..

As part of taking care of myself I WALK AWAY from people who TRY to say toxic things to me. I simply DO NOT TALK to verbally attacking people. I do not know how NOT to be hurt by cruel words any more than I know how to NOT be hurt by a physical injury.
Unless you have a heart of STONE, (or are completely numb) cruel words will ALWAYS hurt.

Moral of the story? STICK WITH THE WINNERS.

And physically avoid verbal attacks when they arise unexpectedly.
ie just WALK AWAY or END THE PHONE CALL when they 'start up'. Or even better, when YOU CAN TELL THEY ARE ABOUT TO START UP but they haven't got round to saying anything poisonous YET.

There may be a temptation to 'address' their negativity, (to 'win a POINTLESS argument' as they say in the 12x12) but it is MUCH easier just to STAY AWAY.

Regarding 'arguments' and disagreement generally..
"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it."

"That's the thing about faith. If you don't have it you can't understand it. And if you do, no explanation is necessary. -- Major Kira Nerys

“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
St. Thomas Aquinas quotes (Scholastic philosopher and theologian, 1225-1274)

“For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't understand, no explanation is possible”

I do NOT try to 'convert' people to 'my way of thinking'.
It is NOT my problem, if they want to believe negative things!!!
I am under NO obligation to 'fix' them. Besides, it take FAR too much energy!

To me, all 'arguments' are essentially about a lack of faith in the other person. An EGO BATTLE of sorts. (Well that's how I interpret them in the role of sponsor anyway.) Outside that , I don't really know as I just do not find myself 'arguing' with people not in AA, because it is just too draining a form of communication for me. Life is too short.

This is basically another version of practicing 'Stick with the winners'.
Its probably one the MOST important things to do in recovery.
Negativity IS contagious. So is positivity.

TALK IS CHEAP. Who are your REAL friends?

TALK IS CHEAP. And boy do we LOVE to talk in AA!!
Oh yes. We get very good at TALKING
Not necessarily much else unfortunately...

Think about it..
Who can you REALLY rely on?
Who can you think of, that if you asked them to do you a favor, would do it for you?
Who would agree to help without even really thinking about it?
Who would hum and ha, and say 'I MIGHT be able to, but I'm just not sure, you see I have a lot going on myself' etc etc
Who would agree and then be flaky about it. Either change their mind, let you down, or forget?

Who could you call at 3 in the morning if you HAD NO CHOICE but to call at 3 in the morning because of the particular difficulty you were having?
Who do you INSTINCTIVELY prefer not to ask, because you feel you are a sort of 'burden' if you do?

Who offers to help you WITHOUT BEING ASKED?
Who offers to lend you things if you say you like something WITHOUT BEING ASKED?
Who never whinges or complains about the things you asked them to do? Ie never runs a GUILT TRIP on you afterwards. So that you always feel you 'owe' them.
Basically, who is a GENEROUS SPIRITED, KIND HEARTED PERSON amongst your friends and acquaintances?

They are not comfortable questions are they?
Isn't it weird the answers you get?
Sometimes we have really wonderful devoted people in our lives that WE JUST DON'T NOTICE, or WE FAIL TO APPRECIATE THEIR TRUE WORTH.
Similarly, WE CAN HOLD PEOPLE IN GREAT AFFECTION with whom we ACTUALLY have a VERY SUPERFICAL, PRETTY INDIFFERENT AND MEANINGLESS relationship WITH.

This reminds me of the story GREAT EXPECTATIONS by Charles Dickens. What a great book!
Young Pip is 'seduced' by the glitz and glamour of 'high society' London life. He becomes embarrassed and a bit ashamed of his 'country bumpkin' dad. Only later when he gets very sick, (scarlet fever or something pretty serious) does he see the 'error of his ways'. As when he comes out of his delirium, he finds his dad dutifully caring for him, having been there for ages. His dad doesn't complain, or make Pip feel bad for avoiding him while he pursued his glamorous life in London. He is totally forgiving, and just takes care of him.
Its such a sweet story!

Anyway, like Pip, we too can get 'seduced' by 'clever', 'glittery' things, (or people) and LOSE SIGHT OF WHAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT.
We can all FOOL OURSELVES about WHO THE REALLY IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN OUR LIVES ARE. And how HOLLOW and meaningless some of our 'valued alliances' are.

The world is FULL of people that say stuff, but when push comes to shove, ...well they don't come through for you.
MOST PEOPLE have VERY FEW 'proper' friends. REAL people you can count on. this is NORMAL.
Coming to terms with that reality can seen very disillusioning if you are an IDEALIST. but if this is the first time you are seeing this, it could seem like an unwelcome realization. nearest and dearest come FIRST. then a very few others. and that's it! the rest are very superficial friendships and mean very little, as the true commitment does not run very deep.
You can 'test' the commitment by asking for something from them and seeing if they actually 'deliver' what you ask. Its a depressing state of affairs! People are better at saying they will help, than actually coming through with whatever help is needed. This is why family/nearest and dearest is SO important, because you CAN rely on them. well more than most ''friends' anyway.
Sorry if that makes you more miserable, but I remember feeling very deflated when i realized that many of the AA friends who I felt VERY fond of, were not really people I could rely on for simple favors in the rare event that i might need some practical assistance with something. Now I just accept it and focus on the people who I know WILL go out of their way for me. (should I need them to)

Related quotes would be..
WALK THE WALK, not talk the talk
Actions speak MUCH louder than words

Never EVER think, that just because someone 'sounds good', that that means they ARE 'good'. They might not be. They just might SOUND convincing, but be UTTERLY INDIFFERENT to your 'lot'

Judge the TRUE 'worth' of your friends, by THEIR RELIABILITY AND PRACTICAL HELPFULNESS. Or ABILTY AND WILLINGNESS TO HELP.
NOT by how you FEEL about them, or the IMPRESSION you have about them, based on an UNTESTED ASSUMPTION ABOUT WHAT SORT OF A PERSON THEY REALY ARE.

What does happy joyous and free look like? -A smile on the heart

What does happy joyous and free look like? I like Thich Nhat Hanh's description. He say's it's more like 'a smile on the heart' rather than a smile on the face. This works for me. Although there is nothing wrong with a smile on the face. But a lot of women, due to their wimpy/ spinelessness and general nervousness, can have a very insincere nervous smile. So generally, a smile on it's own doesn't mean much.
When I talk to someone who smiles nervously, I feel uncomfortable. II also find that I am compelled to smile nervously in return. It actually requires quite a force of will to NOT do that. So I consider it a favor to refuse to smile nervously in the company of others.
The face stores up SO much tension, that a smile from an uncomfortable person, can be really quite unpleasant. For me anyhow. I'm not sure if other 'civvies' notice it to the extent I do, but I think non alcoholic 'normal' people notice it.
The more useless you think you are, the more there can be a desperate desire to be liked manifesting in a people-pleasing ingratiating nervous grin.

Also you should NEVER smile when you are discussing something that is not amusing or pleasant. This is called MIXED MESSAGES.
If you are someone whose expression is almost permanently fixed in a smile, you are probably just a very nervous person. People who smile a lot when they talk regardless of what they are talking about look a bit odd. Even comedians don't smile much. There's a clue.
So please, if you are in the 'nervous smile' category, try NOT to smile. You will make everyone MUCH more comfortable. If you INSIST on having a PERMANENT GRIN, opt for the 'smile on the heart' instead. Its a LOT nicer.

I'm afraid I consider women to be the worst offenders in the nervous smile category. Once you decide to try NOT smiling, you'll realize just how difficult it is. I still don't find it easy when im in nervous company.

Here's some other dodgy looking smile type stuff that sprung to mind...
Maniac laughing
Fixed grin. Really bad with fixed eye contact!
Strained smile. I'm trying to be polite, but I hate you, sort of thing.
Weary (never mind eh?) smile. Betrays 'poor me' thinking, and a boatload of self pity.
Nervous laugh
Look how much I'm enjoying myself REALLY!! Laugh
Obsequious smile
Ingratiating smile
The 'buoy you up' or 'Jolly you along' grin. This says much more about the other persons inability to tolerate what looks like a more 'real' expression. Its a control freak trying to cheer you up!
The 'positive thinking' (I'm in complete denial of my shadow) grimace
Smug smile. Yuk! It's SO full of ego. Very patronizing to boot.
Smarmy smile. Just looks really phony.

Bleh! Nervous smiles SUCK! Don't do them!!! They look REALLY uncomfortable, ingratiating, insincere, and nervous! And NEVER get into the habit of having a permanent smile when you are speaking. That's the worst. Looks really dodgy. Even if your mouth is permanently tipped up at the end. That's just as bad. In my opinion anyway. Apart from that, I really like them!
Look at top models on catwalks. Are they smiling? No! Yet they are the epitome of attractiveness. Models go to great lengths to rid them selves of facial tension, so that they look more attractive. So please learn from them!
Try to be sincere, instead of giving in to habit. It may feel 'clunky' at first, but its do-able

By the way. Don't go to the other end of the spectrum and conclude that the only sincere expression is a miserable one. It isnt. Its just not a permanent grin!
That remind me how after a 'unremitting doom' chair, punctuated by fits of weeping, is often met with sharing from the floor along the lines of, 'That was SO honest'. !! In other words, misery is held in high esteem in aa as being 'real', and a balanced disposition goes unnoticed or just doesn't ever attract the same type of comments from the floor. Why? Cynicism! The embedded belief that life is shite and could not possibly be enjoyed. Oh well. Enough about my pet hates! Hahaa. Right I'm off. Too long as usual...

Social Skills

Making Friends by Andrew Matthews

How to Make Anyone Like You : Proven Ways to Become a People Magnet by Leil Lowndes

Learning how to talk to, meet, or get to know guys after Step 9

Its all practice really, but here's some things which might help you build up your confidence and social skills..

Flirting and Walking Tours. Fridays. Leicester Square and Walking Tours. Fridays. Leicester Square

Street cupid. In case you see a dish at the bus stop!

Speed dating. Married men and all that, but at least it teaches you how to break the ice and start speaking to people you do not know. Book places on the guest list in the light bar for afterwards.

Internet dating site.

The light bar. Free. Book guest list before 3pm. If you are going to go to bars, you may as well go to the nicer ones.

The Long Bar. Free. Bit of a queue. Posers and such, but good practice

The Buzz Bar. Cheap early evening dance-fest. 2 quid or something, and it closes at pub times. Full on dance fest. Not much in the way of talent, but its a great place to learn how to swing your pants sober.

The Loop off Oxford Street. A skanky disco type place. You have to pay to get in. But there's a lot of people that pass through here, so its a good place to 'practice'. Theres bound to be someone you like the look of here. Mind you they may very well have alcoholic tendencies. Its a bit of a pick up joint I think. Not sure exactly. But whats good is that is is very ordinary and unpretentious, and not full of losers.

The Kingly Club. Free! They let you in on the door if you look alright, as far as I know. Cool Members bar. Some posey types. But no bad behavior, or obnoxious men. They get thrown out pretty sharpish.

Milk and honey. 150 quid a year membership. Bad for meeting people. Good for a quiet (non alcoholic) drink with a bloke. Staff are a bit groveling and drinks are pointlessly overpriced, but its much better than a skanky bar.

Worlds Best Bars. Check this out to see if there are other cool places to go. There are some good places near old street which are cool but not central. No fee to get in.

Comedy Clubs
Good for being sociable with guys and getting to know them better in a group rather than on your own which can be a bit more intimidating. If you make a point of going to one every week with a comedy buddy girlfriend, its no big deal to mention it to a guy who looks nice and tell him he can come along too if he likes.
Buy time out and go to the ones which get a star rating. Often very cheap 4 quid or something.

Café Rouge
Good place to meet people you know very little about. There's no pressure to have anything to eat, so you can leave if you don't like them, and if you do, then its an alright place to stay longer.

Cinema is not good unless you go in a group or you have already decided you like them. Its lousy for getting to know people.

Tate Modern on a Friday and Saturday night is a great place to hang out with someone you would like to get to know better. Much nicer than a skanky bar full of people getting pissed.

Also you should really be doing stuff that appeals to you anyway. Friday night skates or what have you. Or Sunday afternoon lectures at amaravati. You're FAR more likely to meet a similar minded person when you attend things that interest you. Doesn't mean that you will like them or anything, but its good practice.

Also Do not get intimate with your personal trainer, yoga class teacher or kick boxing teacher, as the entire class will have done the exact same thing beforehand. A sort of yoga class/ kick boxing conveyor belt of willing sexual conquests!! Never mind eh!

Stuff that makes people want to be in the same room as you

This is in the context of dating I suppose. This is what I think works.

What can I do for you today? The milk of human kindness. Belief in the goodness of mankind. Compassion. Being able to move on. Not holding a grudge. Liking men. Having no resentments toward men. Constant thought of others. Kindness. Generosity. Being absolutely honest all the time. Even when it means you have to have uncomfortable conversations. (in a considerate fashion). Being able to do stuff that you don't want to do. Restraint of tongue and pen. Impulse control. Skillful honesty. Social skills. Staying out of harms way when you have the hump temporarily. Patient endurance. Being comfortable being uncomfortable. (A necessary skill if you are to endure waves of irrational reactive emotions such as defensiveness WITHOUT acting out).Telling the truth. Authenticity. Humility. Not taking yourself too seriously. Being able to laugh at yourself. Being able to laugh full stop! Common sense. Uncomplicated. Don't let things get on top of you. Just get on with it. No big deals. Wear life like a loose garment. Ability to enjoy life. Look after your body and your appearance. Make up. Heels. Being fun. Ability to have fun. Being guileless. Intelligence. Hard work. Not being attached to any particular 'form' as such, just wanting the relationship to work.
All the stuff in the poem called the invitation by oriah mountain dreamer.

Stuff that (I think) drives the sane guys away..

Stuff that (In my opinion) that drives them away faster than a speeding bullet (if they have any sense)

Loneliness written all over your face or your behaviors. Victim mentality. Blaming everyone else for your problems. Not taking any personal responsibility. Neglecting your appearance and body. Being neglectful generally. Needy. Needing reassurance all the time. Being a drain. Energy vampire. Emotional Dependency on them to 'fix' you. Hopelessly dependent on other people generally. (As opposed to being a self-made woman so to speak). Needing to be 'saved' by others. Desperate. Intense. Trying too hard. Shrill. Strained. Speedy. Wired. Being 'too busy'. Hamster in wheel type perpetual motion. Unavailability. 'A highly strained abnormal condition'. Nervous. Nervous laugh. Nervous smile. Smiling all the time. Fixed strained smile. Ingratiating. Obsequious. Fawning. Putting them on a pedestal. Oily. Insincere. Apologetic. Apologizing all the time. Inferiority. Being cranky, grumpy, Shirty, Narky. Disdainful. Touchy. Irritable. Impatient. Angry. Holding a grudge. Chip on your shoulder. Nagging. Complaining. Sour faced. Hard faced. Bitchy. Attacking. Sarcasm. Sneering. Ridicule. Having a laugh at the expense of others. Putting other people down. Making 'digs'. Self pitying. Martyr. Being over responsible or having caretaking tendencies. Miserable. Ungrateful cow. Miserable cow. Indignant. Disapproving. Snotty. Snobby. Superiority. Thinking you're better than them because you have a 'spiritual programme'. Spiritual Pride. Haughty. Sniffy. Lofty. Condescending. Patronizing. Delusion of grandeur. Ego. When you think you're 'right'. Needing to be 'right'. Needing to win. Needing to win a pointless argument. Not being able to back down. Never apologizing or taking the blame. Reactive. Defensive. Always interpret seemingly negative situations as a deliberate attack. Not being able to give the benefit of the doubt. Persecution complex. Thinking 'it's always about you'. No faith in human nature. No trust. Hate men. Badmouth men. Badmouth anyone. Have a low opinion of men. Have a low opinion of anyone. Bitter and twisted. Harshness. Vindictive. Cruelty. Being short with people. Rudeness. Bad manners. Being ignorant. Taking pleasure in harming others in the guise of 'revenge'. Any punishing behaviors or thought forms. Not tipping. Being tight fisted. Being mean. Being mean spirited. Being rude to waiters. Or anyone really. Being too busy to talk. Very rude. Getting irritated by something as simple as standing in line in a supermarket. Getting your knickers in a twist about anything. Zero impulse control. Materialism. Shopping addiction. The NEED to shop. Liking and 'believing' in shopping. Spending more than you earn. Laziness. Being half hearted. Being inflexible. Deluded belief that a house or car will make you happy. Using anyone. Hating your boss. Hating anyone really. Saying bitchy things about the women you are supposed to be friends with. Being dishonest. Weeping in arguments. Not being calm. Being restless irritable and discontent. Being greedy or wanting 'things' far too much. Stubborn. Dogmatic. Not making an effort. Expecting them to do all the work. Being a 'passenger'. Boring them to death. Going on about yourself all the time. Being tired all the time. Hypochondriac. Being a big girls blouse. Dropping out of tough situations at the first hurdle. Trying to be 'nice'. Superficiality. Phoniness. Fake. Goody two shoes. Being 'nice'. Saccharine. Strained politeness. Ladishness. Swearing. Callousness. Scruffiness. Not being feminine. Inability to cope under pressure. Everything's a Drama. Everything's a BIG DEAL. Petulance. Sulking. Tantrums. Melodrama. Door slamming. Dramatic exits. Flailing around instead of getting on with solving the problem. Drama queen. Whingeing. Dumping. Venting. Being inconsiderate to anyone. Wanting to have things your own way all the time. Getting the hump when you don't. Moody. Up and down. Argumentative. Opinionated. Bossy. Controlling. Foot in mouth disease. Putting all your eggs in one basket. (-Puts FAR too much pressure on the relationship!!). Manipulative. Scheming. Indirect. Hinting instead of stating directly. Wimpiness. Doormat. Accepting poor treatment. (They will lose respect for you). Smart Alec. Arrogant. No flies on me! Breezy indifference. Trite. Glib. Saying things like you've said them a thousand times before. Too 'free' with your personal truths generally. Saying significant personal stuff so frequently that the words and memories lose their specialness. Careless. Not caring. Unfeeling. Terrified of Vulnerability. Crying all the time. Being over emotional. Sentimentality. Sugary-ness. Gushiness. Being numb. Making a show of backslapping camaraderie. Being loud. Being quiet and mincey. Being serious or earnest. Taking yourself FAR too seriously. Sense of humour failure. Dull. Boring. Glum. Wearing sludgey-coloured or grey, drab, shapeless clothing, and no make up. Unenthusiastic. Depressive. Listless. Lethargy. Inertia. Low energy. Despairing. Relentlessly pessimistic. Morbid reflection. Morbid preoccupation. Bleak outlook. Doom and gloom merchant. Giving up too easily. Negative thinking. Being Flaky. Lousy timekeeping. Disrespectful. Closed minded. Preconceived ideas. Bigoted. Mental loafer. Thinking the world 'owes you' something. Expecting generally. Having expectations of others. Demands. Ultimatums. Games. Trying to dominate. Wanting the power and control in a relationship. Sexual misconduct. Using sex to control in a relationship. Being judgmental about sexual behaviors. Sexually squeamish. Being focused on the things you hate about your body. Hating your body. Hating yourself. Being 'down' on yourself all the time. Never being happy with what you've got. Betrayal. Infidelity. No integrity. Emotional infidelity. Cyber affairs. Flirting or having (undisclosed) un platonic INTENTIONS or conversations with men other than your partner. (You are as sick as your secrets!). Behaving with other men in a way that would make you feel uncomfortable if your partner was watching. Deluding yourself that just because you have not kissed/had sex with another man that therefore you have not betrayed your partner. Weakness of character. Spineless. Timidity. No will power. Excuses. Rationalizations for negative behaviors and attitudes. Taking your partner for granted once you feel secure in their affections. Taking them for granted full stop. Letting yourself go. Being in a relationship for money or security instead of because you love and respect that person. -BAD karma!!!! Status orientated. Name dropper. Wanting/expecting to be paid for all the time. 'Making do' because you're frightened of being alone, and kidding yourself that you can sustain that situation. (-The truth will out!)

How to refuse a drink when you are out

How to decide whether to attend a boozy 'do'

our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking,
IF we have a legitimate reason for being there. (p101, AA Big Book)

That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties.
To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic,
This may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.

You will note that we made and important qualification. (p101, AA Big Book)

Therefore, ask yourself on each occasion,
1. "Have I any good social, business, or personal reason for going to this place?
2. Or am I expecting to steal a little vicarious pleasure from the atmosphere of such places?"
If you answer these questions satisfactorily, you need have no apprehension.
* Go or stay away, whichever seems best.
1. But be sure you are on solid spiritual ground before you start
2. and that your motive in going is thoroughly good.
3. Do not think of what you will get out of the occasion.
4. Think of what you can bring to it.
5. But if you are shaky, you had better work with another alcoholic instead! (p102, AA Big Book)

Why sit with a long face in places where there is drinking, sighing about the good old days. (p102, AA Big Book)

If it is a happy occasion, try to increase the pleasure of those there;
if a business occasion, go and attend to your business enthusiastically.
If you are with a person who wants to eat in a bar, by all means go along.
Let your friends know they are not to change their habits on your account. (p102, AA Big Book)

At a proper time and place explain to all your friends why alcohol disagrees with you.
If you do this thoroughly, few people will ask you to drink. (p102, AA Big Book)

While you were drinking, you were withdrawing from life little by little.
Now you are getting back into the social life of this world.
Don't start to withdraw again just because your friends drink liquor.(p102, AA Big Book)

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others,
so never hesitate to go anywhere if you can be helpful.
You should not hesitate to visit the most sordid spot on earth on such an errand. (p102, AA Big Book)

Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed. (p102, AA Big Book)