No Sympathy and lots of questions: A flawless demonstration of how we might Sponsor others by Phillip Hodson

Phillip Hodson is a famous UK psychotherapist who amongst other things, spent many years advising complex mental health issues over the course of phoneins to prime UK radio stations many years ago. As far as I know he neither does phone ins, or even practices as a therapist anymore. He may have retired apart from media and writing projects.
Anyway. Back in the day, people would call in regularly who had been sexually abused, raped, had other !! hugely embarrassing personal issues, or delicate and complex mental health issues, and without fail he managed to consistently provide excellent therapeutic advice to callers, IN AN INCREDIBLY SHORT TIMEFRAME. Hugely !! impressive. I find this style of engagement and delivery !!!! particularly impressive and effective, which is why I mention it here.

A link to his archive audio clips of advice during phone in radio shows is here.

One thing that is noticeable about the way in which he deals with callers, is that (in my interpretation anyway) his communication is devoid of even the slightest flicker of sympathy. ..What I think of as a 'poor you' response.
Unless you have heard an extremely competent person give advice very accurately, it is hard to see how you can give advice without resorting to sympathy at some point. His example illustrates perfectly how if you are very competent, and address the issue accurately, and maintain a common sense and evenhanded, upbeat, measured response, that that approach is infinitely preferable to a "poor you" attitude from the advice giver. Which in my opinion reinforces the concept of victimhood on the person to whom you are talking, so can do more harm.

As with most things, this is better understood by listening to his archive sample phonecalls on this site, than to my explanation, which I doubt does it justice.
But having listened to how effectively he addresses these issues a lot in the past when he used to host regular radio phone-in slots, I have strived to emulate his style in so far as I refuse to give in to the temptation to veer off into "poor you" territory. Having listened to people like Philip, I understood that sympathy may in fact be very detrimental to people who are vulnerable and on the brink of falling apart emotionally. So providing a consistent evenhanded response is often far more settling, and reassuring to the person disclosing their personal issues.
So basically I think Philip is a !!!!! ]fantastic example of how to sponsor people effectively over the phone. Well in my opinion anyway. It is conclusive proof that it need not take much time to get to the point of even a !! very complex issue, and also that sympathy is redundant in many cases, even the most heartbreaking abuse histories.

I just thought I would share that as a reference, as I have always held Phillip's phone skills in high regard, and I had no idea that he had these audio clips online. I only just recently found them so I thought I would mention them here.
I might add, that what I admire here is his skilfulness, and not necessarily the context of therapy per se. I admire skilfulness in all its manifestations, and he is a very atypical psychotherapist who has in my opinion, acquired a ! very high level of skill, which is why he interests me.
I'm not sure how his delivery might be interpreted by people in the US, but I know that in the UK he is an extremely respected professional, and considered generally to be a wise human being with a high level of skill regardless of his paper qualifications as a therapist.

So what I'm saying is, if you SOUND like Philip when you talk to Sponsees, (provided you are reasonably accurately providing !!!!! relevant AA feedback), then in my opinion you have acquired a !! very high level of skill in regards to sponsoring people.
I'm not saying I think you ought to be able to KNOW all the things that he knows is a psychotherapist. (!) What I mean is that putting aside the qualifications of psychotherapist, and just focusing on the WAY in which he listens and talks to people, a HUGE amount can be learned.
For instance, he will frequently interrupt to ask questions in order to clarify things. There are some people in AA that would accuse you of being disinterested or that you weren't listening, if you did that, but again this example illustrates ! perfectly that in order to be competent very often you DO have to interrupt and ask questions in order to get the point quickly. Basically he has a very interventionist style, as opposed to just 'listening'. I have always preferred a highly interventionist style, I understand that this is not normally what people do in AA, because people often feel that their job is a sponsor is to merely listen. But examples like Philip Hodson demonstrate how effective an questioning, interventionist approach is.
Basically a lot of what he does are things which could be levelled as criticisms by (in my opinion) people who don't understand the most effective means of sponsoring people. Because his advice was on a radio show, he worked under !!!!! intense time pressure, and sponsoring is a uniquely difficult task for precisely the same reason. There is a huge amount of time pressure because sponsoring is done on on TOP of full-time work commitments and social obligations. We are not therapists who have !!! hours to spare to book people in, we are people who work full-time who therefore want to get to the point very !!!! quickly, to get to the issue quickly, and so this particular model of advice giving has !!! great uses regarding how to sponsor people, in my opinion anyway. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way he speaks to people. Pure class. Really ! impressive skillfulness.

He is a great example of the maxim 'Sober not Somber' and 'we absolutely insist on enjoying life'. He does not allow himself to get dragged down to the despairing level of the caller. His energy does not become murky or entangled in the mire of the caller. He maintains a positive, proactive, outlook, and is one of a very rare breed who is intelligent enough to have learned how to make just about everything they know sound incredibly understandable and simple. Only very clever people who know their subject can do that. He's spot on. In my opinion. My aim would be to be as impartial and engaged without getting energetically murky, as he is, so that I can be as efficient at helping others as he is able to be. Why? Because I want to at least TRY to be of Maximum helpfulness. I am very grateful for his inspiring example provided on endless !! radio phone-ins years ago.

So there you go :) Better be off and get on with Sunday. Hope yours is a good one.

Which 'race' are you when push comes to shove? The decent or indecent man?

"From all this we may learn that there are two races of men in this world, but only these two-the '"race" of the decent man and the "race" of the indecent man. Both are found everywhere, they penetrate into all groups of society. No group consists entirely of decent or indecent people. In this sense no group is of pure race and therefore one occasionally found a decent fellow among the camp guards."
p94 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Viktor E. Frankl was a therapist who was in the concentration camps. Its a very dignified exposition of the beauty of the human spirit and what makes us 'good' and 'bad'. Riveting. Fascinating.

LOVE this book. Very short very readable.

Some prisoners when their backs were against the wall became horribly ruthless and cruel in order to survive at !!!! any price. Others maintained their dignity despite the ravages of the situation and would offer their last piece of bread to another in the most frightful and despairing circumstances.
So you see. We CHOOSE the next right thing (moral restraint and impulse control) or giving in to our reptilian survival impulses, oblivious to the next man. Heedlessly following the instinctual, habitual path of least resistance. Which one would you like to be?

"Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted as wrongly as you are about to act now!"
p114 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

I realized that I do the above without realizing when I speak to newcomers or sponsor people. I easily see the fork ahead in the road leading to an alternate destination were I to NOT explain to them how to dig themselves out of the hole. It is what motivates me to pass it on. The !!!! carnage and destruction down road B motivates me to TRY to educate them to travel down road A. so yeah I like this maxim.

..and describing a talk he gave his fellow prisoners after a !!! bleak and awful day:
"I asked the poor creatures listening to me attentively in the darkness of the hut (reminds me of Bill Wilson talking gravely to the assembled huddle of alcoholics in his kitchen) to face up to the seriousness of our position. They must not lose hope but must keep their courage in the certainty that the hopelessness of our struggle did not detract from its dignity and its meaning. I said that someone looks down on each of us in difficult hours-a frind, a wife, somebody alive or dead, or a God-and he would not expect us to disappoint him. He would hope to find us suffering proudly -not miserably....................The purpose of my words was to find a full meaning in our life, then and there, in that hut, and in that practically hopeless situation. I saw that my efforts had been successful. When the electric bulb flared up again, I saw the miserable figures of my friends limping toward me to think me with tears in their eyes."
p91 Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl

Fantastic book. Go get it. Takes an afternoon to read.
Have a fabulous Thursday!

I am oblivious to xmas so far. Just concentrating on study at the moment. Trust me. "Its just another day". Really. "There are no big deals" and all that. Hehe but I !! LOVE swerving all the seasonal palaver. Social ritual seems utterly meaningless to me. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye" as they say.

Outward stuff is just 'stuff'. So I am not terribly interested in it. I try to make sure I have no ketchup stains on my shirt (heheh) and all that, but above and beyond presentation (for the purposes of being considerate), my interest in plumage and ? nest building is a big fat zero. Hehe
So yeah do all that stuff if you REALLY want to but Im telling you it means NOTHING to me. Absolutely nothing. Kindness never goes out of fashion, but the palaver and running around I can do without.

Right gotta go.!!! Mind your head! :) Especially if you are in your first year. (Because it's nearly xmas and people tend to go a bit mad if they are not vigilant)

Watch Derren Brown Friday win on the horses on 'the system'

Article in the Times about Derren Brown's programme
I dare say they will repeat it ad infinitum, so no hurry to see it on Friday.

This ia a David Blaine spoof and is LIBERALLY sprinkled with the use of the F word, so please do NOT watch it if you are offended by the use of the F word. Personally I loved it. Made me laugh. but you may not. ?

I confess I really like Mr Blaine and Mr D Brown, but I don't know how they do what they do. But suffice to say I have no problem with the idea that mind over matter stuff is very real. That's my view, so I like people that look as though they are doing that stuff SOMETIMES. As opposed to ALL the time. I figure some are legit tricks, and some are not. I have no idea which percentage. 80/20?, 90/10?, 95/5?. No idea. I would say it was a smaller proportion. But anyway, they are great showmen, regardless of how they do what they do. I like em, whether they are simple magicians or not.

My favorite D Blaine quote. "Soft is stronger than hard."
His site is quite interesting. Lots of video stuff, and nice pics. Mr D Brown's is much more unassuming. But I confess I LOVE his understated reserve. Very British. But that's just me.

The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off: Jonny Kennedy

Here are the Utube links to the documentary in all 5 parts.
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 1 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 2 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 3 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 4 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 5 of 5

I really LOVE this guy.
To me he is ? 'special', whatever that means.
I am AMAZED by his capacity to deal with such a series of situations with such good grace. In such an ? 'ordinary' (meaning ego-less I suppose) way.
It is beyond my understanding how one might accomplish that.Well I DO understand. But its like doing weight training, and then seeing another person lift MUCH MUCH more weight than you could EVER manage even with a heavy training programme. I just look at that kind of example and go ..w o w. It makes me speechless really.
I love this guy. He is an AMAAZING example.
I LOVE people like this.
Whatever. Anyway. I think this documentary won LOADS of awards. Quite rightly. Its been put together really well.
Hope you like.
Have tissues ready for the end! You will need them!
But its weepy in a GOOD way. So don't let that put you off.

When (still drinking) friends or partners think we are not so much ? 'FUN' as we used to be..

"The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind, don’t matter"

Hmm sometimes, others (usually the ones still drinking) view our new found perspective as being a bit ? Gloomy. A bit serious. A bit .. Well not as much 'FUN' as we used to be. What then?

If a guy were to complain about us (women) not being 'our old selves' (meaning ? jolly or upbeat) this is how I would interpret a request to 'snap out of it' and 'put it behind you' etc etc.
By making such a request what he is saying is "it disturbs me now that you are more emotional than you used to be, this frightens me and I would prefer you to have emotions that more closely resemble mine"

Being anesthetized makes a HUGE!!!! difference to the way you feel things. Simple repression is NOT a viable route for you now. You require different directions. You need to learn how to navigate THROUGH the forest. NOT around it. It is the path of the spiritual warrior so to speak. Not for nancys!
If your other half stopped drinking altogether too, he might also feel things (!) differently.

Part of it is also coming to terms with the way men and women are emotionally different. John grey has some good advice in Mars Venus books.
But you cant just 'banish' stuff. You have to learn to live with the tide of UNANESTHETISED emotion, with some GRACE and HUMOUR.
That's all you can do really.
Plus you need to be STRONG enough to do the right thing when you feel overwhelmed or overpowered by unpleasant emotion. You know, usual stuff. Call people, reach out to a newcomer, meetings, fellowship. All that stuff.

But don't worry, It will be FINE. There IS a 'middle way', even is your (still drinking) other half is unlikely to ever REALLY understand what it is like for you to adopt it.
Yes you WILL learn how to be 'Sober NOT Somber', but it ma not happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day, so give yourself some time to figure out this new skill. It IS possible. Even if you can't do it RIGHT NOW.

SERIOUSLY easy going, and a little bit wild!

Its very common for aa's to interpret sobriety as some sort of 'super responsible' 'well-meaning, 'well-intentioned' identity.
Well yes it is, but its also VERY easy going. If you try too hard to be 'good', you will wear yourself out! Plus it will be no fun!
There has to be a little room for wildness and unpredictability and play, otherwise it all gets VERY serious and dreary. I like the book 'Women who run with the wolves' because it describes a very healthy form of 'wildness'. Amongst other things.

Stop trying so hard!
Stop trying to be 'good' or 'nice'. (It looks sugary and fake anyway) Integrity is FAR more attractive.
Avoid being earnest, over responsible, and serious.

Easy does it, but do it!
Wear life like a loose garment.

An Instant cure for self pity and taking yourself FAR TOO SERIOUSLY

They Call Me Naughty Lola: The "London Review of Books" Personal Ads.

See I told you it was funny! They've just made it into a book! Cool.