Avoiding relapse: Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do

Here's some stuff that you can't really afford not to do.
There are some really basic things that seem like common sense to me now, but didn't always seem like that. So if you're a new person, or you're fairly new to AA generally, or you're somebody who finds themselves relapsing constantly, these are some things which as far as I'm concerned are the most basic elements of the programme and I don't think I've actually ? seen anybody get and stay sober who hasn't done these things. Sometimes people get sober without doing these things, but they cannot STAY sober unless these habits have become a way of life basically. Many balk at these, thinking they are impractical or just not necessary. But to me they are absolutely !! fundamental aspects of the programme. Totally non-negotiable. As mandatory as it can possibly be. If you're planning on staying sober anyway.
If you're thinking of staying sober for six months or a year and then relapsing again then it won't matter if you do these or not, but if you seriously want to get sober and STAY sober then I don't think you stand much of a chance of staying sober unless these habits become a way of life. Here they are:

1. Service. Constant thought of others as opposed to being self obsessed.
2. Ask for help. You are as sick as your secrets so broadcast your dilemmas, and ask for help.
3. Higher power. Get a concept of one, then ask it for help.
4. Just for today card. Ie AA books of some sort. But JFT card will do.
5. Meetings. Go to them and try to take part in them. Go for coffee after. It’s the pub with no beer.
6. Last but not least - Pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink.

One. Do something for somebody else every day. (Ideally a newcomer.) Think of others. Help a newcomer. "Constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" basically. The big Book states very explicitly that 'Helping others is the foundation of your recovery', so make it the foundation of YOUR recovery.
The more self obsessed you are, the more !!! incredibly !!! painful your life becomes. It's excruciating. So save yourself the mental and emotional agony of a contracted and self-obsessed relationship with the world, and instead look at reality from a broader perspective. One that includes the welfare of others as well as your own. As many others as possible. The more you can help the better. (This is NOT an instruction to be a doormat btw, as doormats cause far more problems than they solve. Well that's what I find.) Develop what I call the 'Service mindset' and look upon all life situations as nothing more than an opportunity to be of help. Yes. Especially the really sucky life situations. 'Everything is teaching us' as Ajahn Chah used to say. Aim to best serve the needs of the MOMENT, as opposed to the person. This will make you egoless and selfless. Remember, think 'How can I best serve what appears to be the needs of this moment? Is there ? anything I can do here that might help the people or situation I find myself in?'. Kindness costs nothing. Ajahn Chah used to say "The nicest thing you can do for another person is to be calm and still'. I just look for ways in which I can be helpful to the person in front of me. Even if they look like a psychopath. Especially if they look like a psychopath. Thats been my experience. Either I wish them well or I think to see if there is a way that I can help them. Each situation is different. Btw this does not mean tolerate domestic violence, it means defend your life in order to survive and be useful to others. My experience is that I am in much less danger from hostile forces if I maintain a steady will to assist as many as I can, in whatever way I can, including the most unconscious and disturbing people. My desire to be of help is unconditional, meaning I really believe that the smelly aggressive drunks are no less deserving of my goodwill than the seemingly lily-white spiritual person. Love ought to be unconditional. I just do my lousy best in this regard.

Two. Talk to somebody else very honestly. Ask for help. Stop trying to do it all on your own. Stop being afraid of looking like you don't have all the answers. Take a risk and show your vulnerability. Confess your neuroses. Broadcast your neuroses. You are as sick as your secrets. Ideally you would have this conversation with somebody such as a sponsor, but this can also work if it is a spiritual friend, or somebody else who can be relied upon to tell the truth and be kind, as opposed to trying to dominate and control you, or get you to agree to their philosophy, whatever it happens to be.

Three. Ask a power greater than yourself for help. What would be perfect would be as if you had a very honest conversation with a power greater than you. Make a cup of tea sit down and have a chat. It has to be a loving power greater than you. If it is judgemental then it's no good. If you don't have time for a conversation then reserve it to simply asking for a sober day in the morning and saying thank you at night. By the way if you can't sleep just lie in bed and have a chat to your higher power.

What is a higher power? Well firstly it is loving not judgemental. Secondly it is just something slightly more powerful than you. The world is full of examples of powers greater than you. Somebody said if you can't think of a power greater than new, jump in the air and see how long you can stay there". It can be the power that makes the earth turn, it can be the power of AA as a whole, it can be the collective wisdom and experience of AA members, it can be the collective wisdom available throughout the world, it can be the combined wisdom and experience of a group of people in a meeting relative to your own singular perspective of life. Personally, I find I can learn something from almost anyone. I feel a bit like a magpie, looking for little nuggets of wisdom with whomever I happened to meet. But ultimately I also know, that it's easier for other people to view my behaviour objectively, than it is for me to view my own behaviour because it's always easier to see things in other people than it is to see it in oneself. So I find there are ample examples of areas of wisdom and expertise far beyond my individual capacity wherever I look. I see collective wisdom greater than mine in meetings and in the objective responses reflected back to me from other people every day. So that's why we say that 'God' can mean group of drunks.

The main thing is to understand that our perspective is limited, and that there are vast resources of wisdom and experience beyond our individual perception, and that therefore we would be very wise to make use of those resources, instead of relying entirely upon our own limited pool of information.

If tomorrow you were to decide to become a plumber, and you have two choices, you could either try and figure out how to create plumbing entirely from your own head, or alternatively you could attend a college with Master craftsman plumbers and observe how they have constructed plumbing in the past, which would you choose? Personally I would choose to observe the master craftsman in order to learn this new skill. In selecting people I feel can shed some light on the path I am trying to embark upon, I am in effect identifying a power greater than myself in respect of plumbing, and I am accessing the resource, and asking for help from it.
A higher power works exactly the same way. The only difference is that the College of Master craftsman plumbers, is a physical obvious object that I can see, whereas the power greater than myself which might be the power of AA as a whole, is something I cannot see as tangibly as the College of plumbers. But in order to make use of my higher power I am required to dialogue with it and ask it to for help even though it doesn't appear like a solid object in the same way a plumbing college would. So that's the difference. I ask it for help and I say thank you at night, and I can converse with it particularly in regard to things that I am having difficulty with or do not understand, or feel I need help with. Well that's how I understand how using a higher power works. You are entirely free to choose which ever concept makes sense to you. The only requirement is that it is a power greater than you, and that it is a loving higher power. I find the simpler you keep this the better.

And I have not found it necessary for people to choose a religious concept of a higher power. You can remain atheist for as long as you want and this will not cause you any problems whatsoever in staying sober. In the beginning my concept of a loving power greater than me was blurry and vague and confusing, so the first thing I asked for was "please would you grant me the most loving and most powerful concept of a power greater than me, that I can have". I think I asked this for about a week and very soon after I felt as though I did have a much clearer and accessible concept of a loving power greater than me. And this made progress in recovery a lot easier. The book tells us that it is all right to ask for oneself, if the things you ask for assist your recovery. I felt there was no problem in asking for a clearer concept of a power greater than me because it would assist my recovery. I didn't like asking for this concept because I was very defiant and very resistant. As far as I remember I asked this through gritted teeth. So don't concern yourself if you feel like you are full of defiance and anger and resistance, because I have found that not to be a problem. Once you have a concept of a power greater than yourself you can then ask that power greater than yourself for help with your defiance and help with your resistance.

Four. Try to do something off the just for today card. It doesn't have to be the most difficult thing, it can be any thing you want. If you're going through a difficult time, carry the just for today card with you in your back pocket, and when you get stuck or overwhelmed about something, try to do one of those things on the just for today card, and it can be the easiest thing on card.

Five. Go to AA meetings, and try to be helpful when you get there. Don't isolate in the meeting, do service, talk to people, talk to newcomers. Be part of the meeting. Do not just show up and disappear at the end without talking to people. This is a recipe for disaster. It is a pub with no beer. It's a free social and community resource, and you would be very foolish to pass up the opportunity to be part of it. The alternative is social isolation. If you attend meetings you will automatically come into contact with a vast range of amenable and accessible friendly people. Yes of course some of them are slightly unhinged, but the trick is to gravitate toward the people who you feel you have something in common with, or who you feel are mutually supportive and constructive and positive. There is no hard and fast rules but generally it would be considered unwise to gravitate toward people who act unpredictably and irrationally, and it would be considered helpful to gravitate towards people that make you feel better after you have spoken to them. Obviously men stick with men and women stick with women to avoid thirteen stepping.

Btw I've seen people stay sober who didn't go to meetings but had access to a very real network of AA friends so basically had the benefits of a meeting without having access t one. ie were helping newcomers and talking regularly to others and confiding in them, despite being away from physical meetings. You can help newcomers online nowadays by saying nice things to them on their blogs. The blogsphere has opened up a whole network of fellowship and service. I knew someone (before the days of internet) who lived on an Island with no meetings but stayed sober by setting up their own meeting and trying to help local alcoholics. So if there are no meetings near you this need not be the end of the world. What matters is whether you are helping newcomers and confiding honestly in others.

Six. Last but not least, pick up the phone BEFORE you pick up a drink. This is the case whether you are one-week sober, one-year sober, 10 years sober, or 20 years sober. It doesn't matter. The rule stays the same. If for any reason you think you might want to pick up a drink, you need to pick up the phone first and talk to someone about it. You need to be completely honest about what's going on in your head. Tell the truth basically instead of trying to struggle through life on your own. Once there is a real danger that you might drink, then all bets are off and you need to get the phone ASAP. Nothing takes greater precedence than this instruction. Even if you are in the middle of a marriage ceremony you need to leave the room, find the nearest phone, and call someone in AA. This is not negotiable. You pick up the phone no matter what. This is what is called going to any lengths. If you are on holiday you pick up the phone, if you are in the middle of an important board meeting you leave and you pick up the phone. If you are in the middle of explaining some complex technical theory to a conference, you excuse yourself for five minutes and you pick up the phone. No exceptions. If you are in the middle of planning a strategic military attack on a bunker, you excuse yourself from the control room and you pick up the phone. First things first. If you relapse then the problem you are dealing with will deteriorate rapidly due to your inability to manage it because you are drinking. So if you care about the life situation you are dealing with, you will have no choice but to leave it and pick up the phone. Alcoholics cannot stay sober on their own. The days of soldiering on through life alone and "independent" are over. You need people whether you like it or not, and you need to start being honest with them about how you're REALLY feeling. Not how you would like them to THINK you are feeling. This can be very ego puncturing, but it's actually a nice thing to do. It only takes five minutes to pick up the phone and speak to somebody in AA so it's no great loss. It's five minutes of your life for God sakes so it's no big deal. So pick up the phone.

* I used dictation software so there might be some ? funny words here I havent spotted yet. I'll fix them eventually ! Its alovely day here so great for a run in the park.. Have a great Tuesday :)

'The Journey to Alcoholics Anonymous' short video by UK General Service Office of AA

This is a seriously GREAT video for newcomers called ' The Journey to Alcoholics Anonymous" that Higher Powered Daave spotted a while back, but I am SO impressed with it that I thought I would mention it. Its really good for people who are new and have hang-ups and worries about what AA will be like if they go to a meeting.
Anyway see for yourself. And thanks to Daave for spotting it for me. I think I will include a sidebar link for this permanently.

Have a great Sunday!

Short of Newcomers to talk AT? (heheee) : New Ladies in Blogland.

Feeling Restless, irritable and discontent?
That feeling of something missing?
A 'God shaped hole' perhaps?

What you need, is a MIND ALTERING NEWCOMER!!
FREE in every AA meeting!!
GUARANTEED to make you feel happy joyous and free in 5 minutes or your money back!
Remember. "It works when ALL else fails" *
TRY ONE TODAY!!
(Hey, and you're NEVER too new, to start giving it away to keep it! Kindness costs nothing!)

* It works when other activities fail. (p89)
Hehehee. Sorry I know its a c*ap joke, but I couldn't help myself.

So yeah.
The Newcomer is THE most important person in the room. (As they say)
Even if the room is a virtual one!
Besides, Its always a little opportunity for service.
From what I can see, the new ladies around at the moment seem to be...
Katia at Seeking the Cranberry(First meeting yesterday. Bless er!)
Lea at Recovering Wino
Johna at My Lifetime Movie
Krista at Wine-O
Clarity at Clarity Case
Kathym at Gospodi Pomiluj
Ms Shadow at one door away from heaven.10 months ALREADY! Time FLIES huh? Practically an old timer already!
Ms V at Onward

(Haven't posted for a while, but you just never know..)
Rhonda at journey to Wellness
SE at The World of an Addict

"Actually, he may be helping you more than you are helping him. Make it plain he is under no obligation to you, that you hope only that he will try to help other alcoholics when he escapes his own difficulties. Suggest how important it is that he place the welfare of other people ahead of his own. Make it clear that he is not under pressure, that he needn’t see you again if he doesn’t want to. You should not be offended if he wants to call it off, for he has helped you more than you have helped him. If your talk has been sane, quiet and full of human understanding, you have perhaps made a friend. Maybe you have disturbed him about the question of alcoholism. This is all to the good. The more hopeless he feels, the better. he will be more likely to follow your suggestions." (p94)

Have I missed any? REALLY new ones I mean.
I have some more listed on my sidebar on the right under Alcoholic bloggers under one year.
Tell me some more if you know of any...

How it DOESN'T work: 26 Methods that FAIL UTTERLY: Religion, Therapy, Will power, Self knowledge etc

Ancient carving of Mara: He is a tempter, distracting humans from practicing the spiritual life by making the mundane alluring or the negative seem positive., originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Heheh. The poor bloke in the picture! Reminds me of some of my former Sponsees on a bad day! Or before they do the 6 things! should I say! Right, anyway..Back to the subject in hand..
These are things which I see as part of Step 1. Step 1 is EXHAUSTING. This is part of the education as to what recovery asks of us. What Is required to succeed. And why previous attempts have failed.
I think ALL my Sponsees were women who had failed at sobriety previously. Either because they could not stop drinking, or they were suicidally depressed and felt life was not worth living sober. Ie they were at the jumping off place.
Basically, they are people who have 'been through the system' and it just hasn't worked. Often they are disillusioned with AA, and the programme, and they expect to fail. Again. Part of what I do, is identify what was missing from their previous approach. This is not entirely necessary, but I have come to actually quite enjoy ferreting out the offending action, or inaction. This does not mean they choose to use the information immediately. Some do. Others are 'bludgeoned into humility by pain and unremitting suffering'. But anyway, this will hopefully give you an idea of what I have learned is no substitute for the AA programme, and in many cases impedes the programme when employed prior to being restored to sanity as a result of the steps.So here goes. This is a LONG one, so you may need a STRONG cup of coffee to get to the end! Heheh.

"If you want to hide something from an alcoholic, put it in the Big Book"

In my ? 'introduction' I say "I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's BEST KEPT SECRET a lot of the time. (In my opinion). "
The reason I say this, is because 99 times out of 100, the alcoholics I bump into in meetings are OBLIVIOUS to the points I list below, despite having read the big book MANY times, yet evidentially have FAILED to study adequately.
Studying something bears NO resemblance to READING something.
This is why I INSIST on Sponsees buying fluorescent markers and a FULL size hard backed copy of the big book, so that thy will haven enough room to DIFFERENTIATE these passages, and many others. Otherwise they stand NO CHANCE WHATSOVER of finding them again. Quickly and efficiently anyhow. And I don't know about you, but I have a LIFE to be getting on with. I do not have time to waste looking for passages again and AGAIN, instead of simply highlighting it once, or making a note in the margin. Life is TOO SHORT!
Anyway. Like I say, here are some EXTREMELY EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS from the Big Book that MANY alcoholics I meet HAVE NO IDEA EXIST. Which is a shame. But like every other thing in AA, is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
90% of these points I learned from the "Favorite old timer" in my old home group. One of the things he used to say (That his sponsor told him) was:
"REALLY get to know the Big Book. Because you may be the ONLY walking Big Book you ever meet'
I used to think that was a bit melodramatic, and grandiose. I wish that were the case. Instead, I find many (!!) alcoholics are unaware of these, and many other EXPLICIT and UNCOMPROMISING STATEMENTS in the basic text. I would like it to be different. Because I would like the degree of suffering to be the minimum. But I am not 'running the show'. So instead I do my lousy best to pass on what I consider myself VERY lucky to have learned. If anyone picks it up and uses it, great, if not, well I never had any power over those people anyway, so it makes no difference.

Disclaimer:
Oh yeah, and if some of the things on the list 'shock' and 'horrify' you, don't take it up with me, take it up with the first 100 members!!
I happen to have found that the things that the first members documented have been true IN MY EXPERIENCE and the experience of others that I have observed using both the the same method as myself and different versions than the one I use. 20 years of 'unofficial' clinical observation, if you like.
I do NOT insist that you agree with me OR them. Because what you make of these IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
So make of them what you will. I list them here for your information. Nothing more.
Like most things in life, applying ANY principle without common sense or with the wisdom of an experienced assistant (ie sponsor) can end up with disastrous results. So don't blame me, If you apply ANY of these in an incredibly kack-handed way, and suffer as a result. That's what sponsors are for!
What I am NOT saying, is that these things have no value at all. Because that's not what the first 100 members said either. These methods fail as ALTERNATIVES TO THE PROGRAMME OF RECOVERY, not !! as a WAY OF PRACTICNG ASPECTS THE SUGGESTED PROGRAMME IN ITS ENTIRETY. But I'm too tired to explain that now. Enough! Another day!
Anyway, I'm waffling now. Here's the list.

How it DOESN'T work.
1. Religion.
2. Human power.
3. Therapy.
4. Self knowledge.
5. Humiliation (The memory of.)
6. Half measures. (As opposed to "Any lengths'.)
7. Holding on to your OLD IDEAS. (This is EASILY the TOUGHEST requirement.)
8. A Mental Defence.
9. Thinking. (As opposed to ACTION. i.e.: Trying to THINK yourself well)
10. Will power. (i.e.: White knuckle. Self will. 'Trying hard', Exerting oneself.)
11. Keeping on guard.
12. Avoiding temptation .
13. Moral and philosophical convictions.
14. Just not drinking.
15. Just going to meetings.
16. Kidding (deluding) yourself that you are enjoying sobriety when deep down you are NOT.
17. Having a "Befogged" brain.
18. Your conduct continues to harm others. (And you are not sorry.)
19. Self reliance.
20. Self Confidence.
21. Constant thought of SELF.
22. Indulging the 'dubious luxury" of anger, resentment, retaliation, or argument.
23. Trying to keep ego puncturing admissions to yourself (You are as sick as your secrets.)
24. An 'easier softer' way.
25. Being Vague.
26. Not COMPLETELY 'giving yourself' to THIS simple program.

(All Page references below refer to the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous.)
1. Religion.
"Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be FAR superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he well be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient." (p93)
"He interrupted: "I used to be strong for the church but that won’t fix it. I’ve prayed to God on hangover mornings and sworn that I’d never touch another drop but by nine o’clock I’d be boiled as an owl." (p157)
"Then he (the Lawyer) added, "He (God) sure didn’t do much for me when I was trying to fight this booze racket alone." (p158)
("Alone" here refers to without OTHER ALCOHOLICS as opposed to other similarly inclined religious people.)
"To be vital, faith MUST be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive ACTION." (p93)
"Though not a religious person, I have profound respect for the SPIRITUAL approach in such cases as yours. For most cases, there is virtually no other solution." (p43)

2. Human power.
(that includes therapists, Priests, etc as the last time I heard, they are STILL using human ones.)
"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (p63)
"Neither he nor ANY other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power." (p43)
"Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)
"Something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change." (pXXVII)
"There is NO doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from DIVINE help." (p43)

3. Therapy.
(ie Human power)
"Neither he nor ANY other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power." (p43)
"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (p63)
(Doesn't say, "except for therapists, or religious people")
"Something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change." (pXXVII)
"He had consulted the BEST known American psychiatrists. Then he had gone to Europe, placing himself in the care of a celebrated physician (the psychiatrist, Dr. Jung) who prescribed for him. Though experience had made him skeptical, he finished his treatment with unusual confidence. His physical and mental condition were unusually good. Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall." (p26)
"There is NO doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from DIVINE help." (p43)

4. Self knowledge.
"The actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience." (p39)
"Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall." (p26)
"Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)
"I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots." (p42)

5. Humiliation.
(the memory of)
"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24)
"The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove." (p24)
"This time I had not thought of the consequences at all." (p41)
"Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)
"Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? (p107)

6. Half measures.
(As opposed to "Any lengths')
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)
"We believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution." (p25)
"The result was NIL until we let go ABSOLUTELY." (p58)
"IF you have decided you WANT what we have and are willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get it- THEN you are ready to take certain steps. (p58)
"Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to ANY LENGTHS to find a spiritual experience" (p79)
"Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to ANY LENGTHS for victory over alcohol." (p76)

7. Holding on to your OLD IDEAS.
(This is EASILY the TOUGHEST requirement.)
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and THE RESULT WAS NIL until we let go ABSOLUTELY." (p58)

8. A Mental Defence.
(ie: thinking in the form of reliance on ones thinking to 'save' you from temptation)
"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24)
"neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (p43)
"The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove." (p24)
"They prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come-I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. (p41)
"I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots."
(p42)
"This time I had not thought of the consequences at all." (p41)
"Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)

9. Thinking.
(As opposed to ACTION. ie: Trying to THINK yourself well.)
"Outline the PROGRAM OF ACTION, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him (p94)
"the spiritual answer and PROGRAM OF ACTION which a hundred of them had followed successfully." (p42)
"They had told of a simple religious idea and a practical PROGRAM OF ACTION." (p69)
"To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive ACTION." (p93)
"This is not all. There is ACTION and MORE ACTION “Faith without works is dead.” (p88)
"We pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or ACTION." (p87)
"We have then completed Step Seven. Now we need MORE ACTION, without which we find that “Faith without works is dead.” (p76)
Chapter 6 Into ACTION (p72)
"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous ACTION" (p63)
"The two friends spoke of their spiritual experience and told him about THE COURSE OF ACTION they carried out." (p157)
"You may suggest A DEFINITE COURSE OF ACTION" (p142)

10. Will power.
(ie: White knuckle. Self will. 'Trying hard', Exerting oneself.)
"Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent." (p24)
"Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)
"In alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though if often remains strong in other respects." (p7)
"The queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power." (p92)
"I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots." (p42)
"What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?" (p102)
"The man agreed that no amount of will power he might muster could stop his drinking for long. A spiritual experience, he conceded, was absolutely necessary" (p155)
"Such codes and philosophies did not save us, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TRIED" (p45)
"Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? If this presents difficulty, re-reading chapters two and three, where alcoholic sickness is discussed at length might be worth while. (p140)
"How could they be so blind about themselves? What had become of their judgment, their common sense, their will power? Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)
"We had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power." (p34)
"His human will had failed" (p11)
"Oh no,” said my friend, “this chap is either through with liquor, or he is minus a job. If he has your will power and guts, he will make the grade.”
I wanted to throw up my hands in discouragement, for I saw that I had failed to help my banker friend understand. He simply could not believe that his brother-executive suffered from a serious illness." (p139)
"I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my WILL POWER and keeping on guard." (p40)

11. Keeping on guard.
"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24)
"I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard." (p40)
"Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all." (p41)

12. Avoiding temptation.
(without doing the programme of recovery.)
"Any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure." (p101)
"Nor are you trying to run his life so he will be shielded from temptation to drink. If he is conscientiously following the program of recovery he can go anywhere your business may call him." (p147)
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do." (p100)
"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!" (p101)
"Our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there." (p101)

13. Moral and philosophical convictions.
"We found that such codes and philosophies DID NOT SAVE US, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)
"Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." (p62)

14. Just not drinking.
"We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough." (p82)
"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." (p122)
"Those who DO NOT RECOVER are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program" (p58)
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)

15. Just going to meetings.
(As opposed to COMPLETELY giving oneself to THIS simple programme)
"Those who DO NOT RECOVER are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to THIS simple program" (p58)
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)

16. Kidding (deluding) yourself that you are enjoying sobriety when deep down you are NOT.
"We smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give ANYTHING to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol." (p152)

17. Having a "Befogged" brain.
"It is IMPERATIVE that a man’s brain be cleared BEFORE he is approached"
( pxxiv)

18. Your conduct continues to harm others. (And you are not sorry).
"If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, WE ARE QUITE SURE TO DRINK We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience" (p70)

19. Self Reliance.
"Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, BUT IT DIDN'T GO FAR ENOUGH. (p68)

20. Self Confidence.
"Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or ANY other." (p68)

21. Constant thought of SELF.
"Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of OTHERS and how we may help meet THEIR needs." (p20)
"Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery." (p97)
"A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be." (p97)
"Chapter 7 Working with others. Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail." (p89)
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others" (p107)
"Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life" (p86)
"The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others." (p74)
"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now." (p124)
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead" (p14)

22. Indulging the 'dubious luxury" of anger, resentment, retaliation, or argument.
"If we were to live, we HAD to be free of anger". (p66)
"The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison". (p66)
"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It DESTROYS more alcoholics than ANYTHING else". (p66)
"This business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is FATAL. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die." (p66)
"The more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got" (p66)
"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness". (p66)
"These resentments MUST be mastered". (p66)
"From it (meaning resentment) stem ALL forms of spiritual disease". (p64)
"To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore". (p66)
"The world and its people really dominated us". (p66)
"God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. We avoid retaliation or argument." (p67)
"If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention." (p118)

23. Trying to keep ego puncturing admissions to yourself
(You are as sick as your secrets.)
"Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost Invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story." (p74)
"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it."(p73)

24. An 'easier softer' way.
"Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost Invariably they got drunk." (p72)
"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not." (p58)

25. Being Vague.
"It would be EASY to be vague about this matter. Yet, we believe we can make some DEFINITE and valuable suggestions." (p86)
"If you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking-"What do I have to do?"
It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions SPECIFICALLY. We shall tell you what we have done." (p20)
".wants to recover and that he will go to ANY extreme to do so, you may suggest a DEFINITE course of ACTION" (p15)

26. Not COMPLETELY 'giving yourself' to THIS (!) simple program.
(NOT!! 'Mary's program', 'Frank's Program', or the 'Hazeltwig program'. THIS !!! program.)
"Those who DO NOT RECOVER are people who cannot or will not COMPLETELY give themselves to THIS (!!!) simple program" (p58)
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and THE RESULT WAS NIL until we let go ABSOLUTELY." (p58)
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)
"We believe there is NO middle-of-the-road solution." (p25)
"We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not." (p58)

Phew! Have a GREAT Sunday y'all. Time for my run!

God's Beauty Parlor: Sobriety can be INCREDIBLY !! anti ageing

Just thought I would mention that not drinking can be VERY anti aging. Alcohol makes you red faced, bloated and puffy and dehydrates the skin a LOT. I always say to new ladies. Get sober purely for the sake of VANITY!! (In my opinion) people can age REALLY well in recovery. If you play your cards right.

I saw these photos in today's Mail and was REALLY shocked !! at how aged these women look at age 45. (Yeah I know its the Daily Mail, but I get it free in the gym, so I think of it as a free rag.)
The very ! GOOD news about not drinking, (and not smoking) is that is is VERY anti ageing. Thank GOD. ..So just ANOTHER reason for you ladies to order sparkling water with a slice of lime instead!

Pauline Rees, 45-year-old mother of five. Ouch!
Atricle is called:One big happy family: Scrounging grandmother's pride at daughters' teenage pregnancies
Jacqueline Simpson, 45. Double ouch.
Article is about: Grandmother of girl mauled to death was 'high on drink and drugs' and opened door to killer pit bull

Let that be a lesson all you newcomer ladies! It ALL helps. Besides cosmetic surgery is SOoo expensive these days..
You will save yourselves a FORTUNE in botox, and everything else..

But yeah sunscreen helps too. And glasses of water. But an alcohol free lifestyle can work WONDERS. And of course there's that inner beauty too, because a peaceful and positive attitude is VERY attractive to others.
Which just makes you look even BETTER!!
Trust me ladies. Its a WIN WIN situation!

Untreated Alcoholism: 'Stinking thinking". The STEPS are the answer. NOT Self Knowledge, or Will Power.

Inside All Saints Margaret Street Church London, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

"Stinking Thinking leads to Drinking"

This is for those of you who are new, and have not yet got a Sponsor, and started working through the Steps, as laid out in the Basic Text of AA. (The Big Book)
I remember I had to hear AA members repeat this SO !! MANY TIMES before I really HEARD it. That's why I'm spelling it out here. !

Lets say you have reached a point after starting coming to meetings where you are just beginning to see that instead of being a 'nice person'. Or a 'victim of circumstance', that actually, you have a little more 'stinking thinking' than you first realized. (!!!)
That actually you are a bit ! selfish.
That actually you have about as much gratitude as a gnats chuff.
That actually people annoy you quite a LOT.
That the general conversation, 'washing machine' thoughts that rumble around in your head, ARENT ACTUALLY THAT !!!! POSITIVE.

Well at this point it is tempting to think, that what AA offers is something 'educational' or 'self aware'. A bit like therapy perhaps. This is not so. Not entirely anyway. Self knowledge plays a PART, but not a very BIG part. The 'meat and potatoes' is in the STEPS. Well that's what I've found anyway.
Right. So regarding those negativities or mental 'defects' that you have started to spot..
"Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to. Neither could we reduce our self-centeredness much by wishing or trying on our own power."
p62

"We found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn´t there. Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly."
p45

"the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience."
p39

And regarding any thoughts about drinking you may be experiencing..
"Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Except in a few cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power."
p43

"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (Doesn't say, "except for Mary, Joan, or Bridget')
p60

So if the problem isn't ''selfishness' (or any other 'stinking thinking" ) as such. What IS the problem?
"Lack of power, that was our dilemma. we had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves. Obviously. But where and how were we to find this Power?
Well, that´s exactly what this book is about. Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."
p45

So how exactly am I supposed to " find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."?
"Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery"
p59
"Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps"
p60

So. There's your answer.
The STEPS will restore you to sanity.
Which will enable you to have a mental defence against alcohol. See page 84.

(After step 9) regarding alcohol:
"We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. WE react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes! That is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it, neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we had been placed in a position of neutrality—safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither cocky nor are we afraid."
p84

And will provide you with the 'needed power" to do many things which until now have been beyond reach. Such as to act in keeping with the " moral and philosophical convictions galore" which you have, but are unable to live up to. Eg selfishness etc.

But to do the steps, you will need a sponsor. The more contented the better, the more peace of mind the better. Find the best available woman in your neighborhood and ask her to take you through the first nine steps. After that its just maintenance.
But most importantly,
"the (drink) problem has been removed. It does not exist for us."
p84

Which is why we all showed up in AA in the first place, lets face it!

So happy hunting! And I hope you find a good un!

Quality not Quantity: TY show called Faking it: FURTHER proof that length of Sobriety ALONE counts for VERY little

"Quality not Quantity" is the slogan that tells us that the length of time sober ALONE tells us VERY LITTLE about a person. Nor is it an indication of skill or expertise in regards to the degree of wellbeing achieved. Not everyone uses the time in AA wisely! Some use the time to better effect than others.

Newcomers always seem to think I am pulling their leg when I say that. But I mean it with utmost sincerity. I never, repeat NEVER, assume that someone is in more impressive 'fit spiritual condition', simply because they have been sober longer than another person. There's just MORE to it than that I'm afraid.

Anyway, it just crossed my mind when I happened upon this TV programme called Faking it by Channel 4., that it illustrates this wisdom PERFECTLY. So I am drawing your attention to it.

Here's some blurb from the website for the show:
"Faking It is a transformational battle against the odds. Our faker is plucked from their natural habitat and given four weeks to master a skill well enough to fool a group of EXPERT judges."

OFTEN, the Panel of EXPERTS, conclude that the FAKE does a BETTER in 28 DAYS than others who have been doing the SAME thing for YEARS. DECADES in fact.
So what does that tell you?

See? Quality NOT Quantity.

Here. is a link to the Channel Four website for the show
And here. is a link to an episode of the show on google videos, about a posh history of art guy who becomes a grafitti artist in 28 days!!!!
How cool is that??

Magic Fairy Dust: Constant Thought of others, combined with MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness

Relevant Big Book quotes are:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others. p102 Big Book.
"OUR VERY LIVES, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. p20 Big Book.
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead. p14 Big Book.
"How can I BEST SERVE Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us CONSTANTLY." p85 Big Book.
"Then we resolutely TURN OUR THOUGHTS TO SOMEONE WE CAN HELP." p84 Big Book.
" Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed". p102 Big Book.

If you PRACTICE 'constant thought of others' plus, MOTIVE of maximum helpfulness, in your BRAIN. (Which is actually not NEARLY as difficult as it sounds), it FEELS like MAGIC FAIRY DUST is EVERYWHERE. Wel I find that to be the case anyway, and so do other people when they do the same thing. So there you go.
How cool is that!!!!

Whatever Its quite difficult to explain how to actually PRACTCE 'constant thought of others' combined with 'maximum helpfulness' MOTIVE, so I'm not going to do that just here. Suffice to say I will provide you with a recent case history that shows how POWERFUL this PRACTICE is.
I've seen it work its MAGIC, MANY times over the years, but this one is recent and fresh in my mind so I will share a bit of it.

Basically, I !! Bullied a AA lady I met recently into re evaluating the way she was doing the programme lately, and she is STUNNED by how DIFFERENT she feels in such a short time. The effect is INSTANT really, if I'm honest. But she said the same herself, AT THE TIME I EXPLAINED THIS TO HER FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
Weirdly enough, just HAVING THE INFORMATION as to how to practice 'constant thought of others' is ENOUGH to IMMEDIATELY ALTER YOUR MIND STATE. Cool!
That's why 'The Six Things' are SO powerful. And the cool thing is, you can do it from the VERY BEGINNING of your sobriety!! Right from the week of meetings. That's what's so great about 'The Six Things'. ANYONE can do them.

I was saying to her. "Can you see?, that when you do this stuff, it feels like 'Magic Fairy Dust' all the time or something? And she said ..'yeah..."
I said, "Well it STAYS like that, if you keep your thoughts kind of 'pointing in that direction', (The direction being, 'What can I do for others', 'What's the MOST I can contribute here?' etc etc)
Cool!! I am GLAD I 'confronted' her on her old approach. I ! Didn't like it much at the time!! But it was worth it. But then 'going to any lengths' "to give it away to keep it' ALWAYS is. Provided you MOTIVE is good that is..

Yeah I know I sound like a bit of a freak here, but you just have to bear with me on this one. I've seen it happen so many times now, that I kind of take it for granted.
Yes I PROMISE I will TRY to do a post explaining EXACTLY how I tell people to 'do' constant thought of others', but that will be a bit of work. So later! Trust me, Its quite a bit of work to explain it! Normally I do it verbally.

NONE of us will be able to say, 'oh yeah, you know I just don't have negative thoughts or behaviors', but what we CAN do is become REALLY good at getting on top of hem when they show up, and creating a mind state which is pretty DAMM !! Impenetrable to negative s**t. Good karma, or what I like to call 'constant thought of others' creates a FORTRESS of good energy around you, which protects you and insulates you from the 'slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.
I love it. You can get sort of 'high' on it actually. Whatever. That's another post really.

Supposed 'Authorities' in AA: Don't be INTIMIDATED by them. Make your OWN mind up.

And yes. That includes me. (Just in case you have the MISFORTUNE to either put me on a ? 'pedestal', or conclude that I am any less FALLIBLE than any other human being)

Why?
Tradition 2:
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; THEY DO NOT GOVERN.

Tradition 12:
"ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities."

Yes on the one hand, if people are VERY new, or I have GRAVE, IMMEDIATE concerns about them, I MAY choose to suggest something VERY clearly. But OUTSIDE of that, (after step 9 really) I would MUCH PREFER people to think for themselves.

That's one (of the many) reasons why I prefer not to sponsor formally after step 9. I want people to START THINKING FOR THEMSELVES.
Ok , if they REALLY want to ask me about something in particular, fair enough. But what I DON"T want them to do, is to end up thinking that they are SOMEHOW INCAPABLE OF FIGURING THINGS OUT FOR THEMSELVES.

Apart from the fact that I would have NO FREE TIME WHATSOVER if I chose NOT to do that. I strongly believe that it is in THEIR best interests to learn to start to trust their OWN judgment.
I just don't think its right if you end up thinking that you are ALWAYS wrong, or that you cant make a decision about something without asking a dozen people.
Basically its all about balance.
Yeah, some cant make a decision for love nor money and end up asking a TON of people. And then others think they know everything!!! And are a bit peculiar in my opinion!
Yeah, and the ones that are angry, depressed, or fearful, well they cant see the wood for the trees so they have a lop sided view which isn't very good when trying to make decisions. Oh well.

I mean the 'normal' ones. (after step 9 really) They need to be FAR more confident of their perceptions and their ability to figure things out. Yes, of course they will make STUPID mistakes, but that's going to happen anyway. Life involves taking risks. You cant avoid that. And with risk comes the possibility of embarrassing failure.
Personally I LOVE asking cool people questions about how to go about my life. (Any excuse to talk to them really) But there are not many people that fall into that category I'm afraid to say.

What I was TRYING to say before I got HOPELESSLY sidetracked, is
DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY PEOPLE IN AA (or any other 12 step programme) WHO PROFESS TO BE AN 'AUTHORITY' ON ??? ANY ASPECT OF RECOVERY.
I may be infuriatingly clear in the manner in which I choose to express myself, but I do NOT, I repeat.. NOT
THINK I HAVE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.
And in fact I go to a LOT of trouble to try VERY HARD to communicate that to people. In fact it ANNOYS me when anybody makes that assumption about me, or any other member of AA. I find admiring comments quite ikky too..
So there you go.
So, Don't EVER let ANYBODY talk DOWN to you. EVER. (Talking down to you is SUPERIORITY, not humility.)
Or I will send the boys round!! Heheh..
See? I can be intimidating TOO when I try!!. Were you scared???
Oh well. Never mind. Maybe next time...

PS: Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against expertise. I think when I say 'authority' here I mean something that appears to be 'superior, or 'better than', in a way that INHIBITS one from including ones own version of events. Sort of like when you dismiss your own concerns because you think 'they know better'. That's what I mean. What Im trying to describe here is arrogance and superiority, not expertise.
For instance I really like Bill gates, and he is very much an expert, but I do not perceive him as presenting himself as 'the final word' on matters regarding computers. He does not strike me as 'superior'. Or an 'unquestioned authority'.
Anyway I hope that makes it a little clearer..

What I DO aim to do as 'standard' when I Sponsor

Some sponsors have a very unstructured approach with sponsoring. Fair enough. It's up to them. Each to their own, but I thought I'd just share a bit about how I approach it. Its the ONLY way for me to do it without getting very resentful!
Basically I find you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time. Unless oyu are a lady of leisure! And have a TON of free time..

Anyway here are some 'structures' I have in place when I sponsor. I am flexible, but this is the general structure.

What I DO aim to do as 'standard'
5-10 min calls Mon to Friday preferably in the morning. (7.30-8.30am type thing)
2hr weekend bookings either for:
2hr evening bookings Mon-Thurs either for:
Reading out step one or two written work
Reading out step four as part of step5
'Out of hours' calls if it is an emergency or it cannot wait.
Mobile text queries at any time, but whether I answer them or not is at my discretion. But if you send me too many I will ask you not to.
Email. Anytime. Same as text really. Answers are at my discretion, and if you send too many I will ask you not to.
I will make exceptions if the circumstances are such that you cannot do the stuff I mentioned above, but I do NOT like to make a habit of it.

Coffee after meeting. Once a week. With other Sponsees.
See them at a meeting once a week. Ie make an effort to be at one meeting as a definite arrangement once a week. Otherwise meetings are 'off the cuff'.

Examples of stuff I do NOT do as ''standard' when I Sponsor

Basically you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time.

Examples of stuff I do NOT do as ''standard'
but WILL do AT MY OWN DISCRETION:
Random time calls
Random length calls
Weekend calls (What I call 'time off')
Evening calls (What I call 'time off')

I never do 'random time' calls. in fact it surprises me that ANYONE with a busy lifestyle COULD do that. I arrange 5-10min calls at set times. ideally in the morning. but other times if that's not poss. mon to fri only. other than that it would have to be a VERY important reason to call. ie calling me on my ''time off'. I will take calls on those times, but only if it is VERY important, or urgent and cannot wait.
Put it this way. would YOU want Sponsees to call you at random times throughout the day? I wouldn't! I don't think I know ANYONE that would welcome that arrangement.

What I consider to be 'Bad' Sponsors

To be honest I get a bit fed up listening to stories of people who have sponsors who:

Change plans at the last minute. Or don't show up.
Are never available.
Say they are going to do stuff and then don't do it. Ie unreliable and flaky.
Cannot be got hold of on the phone.
End up talking about THEIR OWN STUFF instead of the Sponsees stuff.
Are totally inflexible.
Get pissed off with Sponsees when the approach they are using is partly responsible for causing friction. Ie blame the Sponsee instead of reappraising the method they are using. Hey don't get me wrong, all Sponsees can drive you NUTS, but by and large it is WRONG to always assume that the fault lies with the Sponsee. That's all. Sometimes a different approach is needed. A tougher approach, or a softer approach. It all depends. Again this is at the discretion of the sponsor. If you simply do not have time for constructing another approach, then you have no choice but to suggest they find a different sponsor.

I have a list a mile long !!! of (what I consider to be) bad sponsorship, but I have focused here mainly on:
Flakiness
Unmanageability
Basic inability to get to grips with the Sponsee.

There are very common complaints. But there are many others!

I pretty much aim to let go of Sponsees after step 9

I pretty much aim to let go of Sponsees after step 9, so I never let them 'build up'. Meaning I would never have more than 5 or 6 doing the steps at any one time. Plus I try to do ALL 1-9 in 9 months if poss. So I'm always recycling Sponsees. I don't 'keep' them for long. But that's a very personal approach. I could never do that thing where you have 50 Sponsees or something. Jeez. What a nightmare! I don't mind the occasional query from someone who has done the first nine steps, but I don't want to 'baby-sit' them through various life decisions on some kind of permanent basis, if I can help it.

Basically you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time.

Quality not Quantity

There are PLENTY of nutcases in AA as you probably know by now, and there's no reason why sponsor might not be a bit nutty too!! You can't put them on pedestals! Just because they've got some time DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING. You'd be surprised how disappointing the human condition is!
Either find someone with more structure in the way they sponsor people, then hopefully they will have more free time. Either that or get someone who has no job, no hobbies, no friends so plenty of free time!!

I ALWAYS say "QUALITY NOT QUANTITY"
Meaning the QUALITY of their 'wellbeing' and their ability to cope with life, is FAR more important than HOW LONG THEY HAVE BEEN SOBER. Mind you the quality of wellbeing has a different value over time. Dizzy idealism may 'look' positive in the early years, but is replaced with a more mature 'benign wellbeing' in later recovery. So yes, positivity 'looks' different over time. But that's a different post really.

Lets try it and see what happens: What I do at the VERY beginning of Sponsoring someone

I do NOT do 'Temporary Sponsorship' as such.
I DO on the other hand, start out with Sponsees on a 'lets see how we get on' sort of way. This is for me (and her) to find out:
If we get along.
If she is receptive to what I am telling her.
If she is able to understand what I am saying.
If she is able to 'take instruction'.
If she is willing to go to 'any lengths'.
Whether she can DO the things I suggest.
Whether she WANTS to get well or not.
(And a whole bunch of other things, but that's some of the main ones.)

But I do NOT call that 'Temporary Sponsorship'. I tell them something along the lines of:

Lets try it and see how we get on. I will give you some stuff to do, if for WHATEVER reason you are unable to do the things I suggest, I will be FORCED to conclude that I am NOT helping you, in which case, I would advise you to find yourself another sponsor. There are MANY different sponsorship styles out there. I do NOT think the approach I use it for everyone, it is NOT. It suits certain personality types but not others. Also it is more suited to the more 'desperate' types. If you have 'the gift of desperation', you are more likely to succeed with this method. If not you may prefer a more laissez-faire, less structured, style of sponsorship, which happens to be a VERY common sponsorship style, so you will have a GREAT many alternative sponsors to choose from. My style of working with people is NOT typical, so may seem unusual at first, but like most things, I suggest you TRY it first and decide LATER whether or not you think this is working. I have no way of knowing myself, if this will work until I try it, so that is what I intend to do. This is why I will call this a 'try-out' period. The beginning is always rather difficult, but don't let that put you off. It also happens to be the most labour-intensive for me, so please try to take that into account when I work with you. You will make this easier for me if you try VERY HARD to do as I say. And I prefer to work with what I call 'easy' Sponsees. Why? Because it takes me LESS time to 'teach' them this stuff, and as a DIRECT result, I get to help MORE PEOPLE. And that's the bottom line really. Its a numbers game in the end. This will all make sense to you a bit more, once you get started, so don't worry if all this seems like double Dutch at the moment.

Then I give them the 6 things to do, (Listed in the sidebar on the right hand side) and
I look at what meetings they can get to, depending on where they live and work.
I arrange a time for them to call me, every week day if possible. Morning if possible.
And arrange to see them for coffee after the meeting in a weeks time or so, to see how they got on with the things I have told them to do. Ideally I would tell them to bring along their written work to see ho wthey have got on so far.

Also I try to find out a bit about their personal situation. Work. Home. Family. Health. Other addictions.

And I tell them to start writing a 'Drinking CV'. Which is actually more like a potted history of EVERYTHING. But very much a BIRDS EYE VIEW. Very much a LOOK BUT DON'T STARE sort of thing.
Names, dates, addresses, family, school, work, any other compulsions, addictions. How the drugging/drinking/compulsive behaviour started, what happened, where it ended up. What brought them to AA. The 'high' points, meaning the 'high drama' points throughout the course of their entire life. The whole thing really. I tell them, when it is finished, they will come round to mine and read it out, and that I would like to be able to do that in about 3 hours. I'd like to get it all read out in one go if possible.

I expect them to include a ROUGH THUMBNAIL SKETCH of any or all of these things if they are relevant:
Prison, police, psychiatric admissions, if any, shoplifting, gambling, sex addiction, drugs, prescribed and 'street', anti depressant use, suicide attempts if any, thoughts of suicide, self harm history, anorexia, bulimia, any violent behavior, occult fears, occult experimentation in the past, hauntings, (if any), hospital admissions, illnesses, bereavement, abuse (all kinds), battered wife, assault, previous psychiatric diagnoses, panic attacks, bullying, therapy history, counseling history, motor accidents, what they think the 'worst thing is that has happened to them so far, what they think is the most painful thing that has happened to them so far, what they fear most, any previous attempts a staying sober, what happened and how long it lasted, Religion history. Family background. Basically the whole nine yards.

This is just ONE part of step 1. I'm not going to explain it all here, but it is the way I do step one. Its essentially a 'getting to know you' exercise. Amongst other things. Now you see why I find Step 1 so EXHAUSTING!

Why do some people 'get it' and others don't?

I have never to this day, been able to understand why some people 'get it' and others don't. It seems to bear no relationship to intelligence or social group or 'keeness'. Some are terribly keen but are barking up the wrong tree and go horribly wrong. Its weird. Its a totally random thing. The very finest things in life are never meant to be understood, and I think this random ? receptivity to the AA message is one of those things. The way recovery unravels in different individuals I find completely fascinating and weird. A life form in itself.

Mind you, I think even when one is 'correctly orientated' that the work that is required to live peacefully, and reasonably happily, can be extremely demanding in some ways. So just being 'ready' doesn't make it any easier as such.
Doesn't mean you get any shortcuts though. No easier softer way I'm afraid. You just get to do what the rest of us have been doing, which is some pretty unflattering truth telling about ourselves and our lives. It doesn't sound like much, but its REALLY worth it. And it means you can be there for the NEXT suffering alcoholic that shows up and doesn't know what the ! hell they are doing. And that's the main thing. Funnily enough.

The newcomer is often the last to know he or she is doing well. Newcomers are notoriously c**p at 'seeing' their own progress in the beginning? EVERYONE can see it except them! Its kind of funny really.

The pub with no beer: The meeting after the meeting

The coffee after the meeting is the BEST bit. It really is 'the pub with no beer.' I have always needed to do the meeting after the meeting to get to know people. It VERY difficult to get to know them just from seeing them in meetings. I always prefer ones where they go out after. Its always a bit scary asking does anyone want to go, but its worth it.

I have always chosen a home group where everyone was invited to go for coffee afterwards. I don't like the cliquey ones where its hit and miss as to whether or not you are included. I prefer inclusive to exclusive, so to speak.

Restricted freedoms in early recovery such as 'stay away from relationships for the first year'

This refers to the advice to stay out of relationships, to move or not to move, to take business trips in early recovery etc.

Firstly, the rules are, there are no rules, so ask your if sponsor if you are not sure about something.
Remember initially restrictive practices are NOT done for the sake of them, they are really to try to !! Limit the risk of no-nothing new people from driving themselves into a ditch by mistake. Depending on how competent and proficient you are at practicing the AA suggestions, the more latitude you can be given, and be 'safe'.

It also depends on the 'life chapter' you are in at that time. If (god forbid) something utterly drastic is about to occur then such as open heart surgery or something!! Then a major life change is a BAD idea. Or ? Some other HIGHLY CHARGED event that threatens to ? Drive you mad.

I am no less alcoholic than you are. The only reason people who have been around a while have the 'freedom of the city' and newcomers don't Is because we HAVE ENOUGH SKILLS AND EXPERIENCE of the programme in practice to ensure safety.

So in other words, the more of a 'diligent goody-goody model AA student' you are, the more reliably you can be expected to perform suggested actions well (and therefore be comfortable on an INTERIOR level) and therefore be SAFE in those circumstances.

The more of a C**P AA Student you are, the more doubtful those additional freedoms will be.

That's why everything is on a case by case basis.

Basically, if you are an AA swot! you have a LOT more 'freedom' in EVERY sense. Doesn't mean you have it EASY. Just means YOU CAN COUNT ON YOURSELF TO TO THE RIGHT THING NO MATTER WHAT.

Its like being a little AA Ninja! A little 'any lengths' machine!

There is a DIRECT correlation between adherence to AA suggestions and INNER CALM. That's it! There's no big secret other than that!
Nothing happens by mistake. The people who get well and stay well are the people that are WILLING TO DO WHATEVR IT TAKES to have the best possible recovery. Its more of an attitude than anything else. You may not be required to do anything much, but you just kind of 'know' that at the back of your mind, if push comes to shove, and the s***t hits the fan, that your FIRST port of call will be an AA ? Thing.

Regarding business trips in early recovery: If I was your sponsor I would say yes (IF you wanted to do it) on the condition that you were a bit of an AA 'swot' while you were there. And no I don't mean going to meetings all day. I mean making AA stuff a priority. Which is different. In other words, go but play it safe. Not a short leash, not a very long leash. Somewhere in between!

Go to as many meetings as you can when you are new

It makes early recovery MUCH easier when you MAX OUT on meetings. It really helps a LOT, as the penny drops a bit sooner rather than later. As you can probably tell by now, there is actually rather a LOT of information to process with this thing, and meetings help to teach us, so attending more speeds up our education. When used wisely of course.

Alcoholics hate people to think they have nothing to do, so there is this thing where people want to get back to 'normal living' asap, which is fair enough, but, if used wisely, meetings can be very liberating places. Ample opportunity to help others in greater need than ourselves, frank accounts of the irrationalities of the things we tell ourselves, and every self defeating belief we can think of. Plus endless opportunities to learn tolerance from all the people we can't stand! I call it grass-roots spirituality.

You would learn very similar things in the refined atmospheres of ashrams or high end mediation centers for £150 quid a day, but aa teaches us the same stuff, but in a more 'new York taxi driver' sort of a way. No messing. No navel gazing bullshit. I see it as the same wisdom, but delivered in a different way. But the best part is that the act of participating assists in healing others. And that's priceless. You don't get that in ashrams. As far as I know! I've never actually been to an ashram, as I'm not really into the guru ? thing.

I kind of 'lived' in meetings for ? Years but then my brains were pretty badly fried I think. Anyway, I do not regret that as I formed a unbreakable connection with a 'gang' of AA's that exists to this day, even though we are scattered to the four winds, and have developed very individual ways of practicing our programmes. What I mean is that makes me feel totally 'knitted' into the matrix of AA now, even if I only attend one meeting a month. Or less. Hard to describe, but a substantial connection has been made and it just seems to carry on no matter what.

I'm not saying you should curtail your life to include more meetings, but just that going to more helps. To begin with anyway.

The MIRACULOUS healing effects of TRYING to help newcomers

All I know is that helping newcomers in meetings by taking them for coffee afterwards was what enabled me to do things I had never been able to do before. Like feel marginally comfortable in my own skin!

It gives me the power to make my life work. Or something. I get a 'power' from it. Gawd knows. Impossible to explain. But my life works better when I do service.

I would just scan the room for a newcomer while in the meeting and I would go up to people after and introduce myself and ask them to go for coffee after. I did that every day. After every meeting. I still look out for them when I go. I started doing it in earnest after 3 months of attending meetings. LONG before I thought I had anything of value to share. I wasn't doing it in isolation, but of all the things I did, that gave me the MOST wellbeing, and does to this day. That's why I go on about it I suppose.

IT is THE strongest weapon in my AA artillery. I find one to one works best. 'distance' communication is not as good. Person is better than phone. Phone is better than email.
Anyway. That's what I've learned. I can't speak for others, but I see my Sponsees have MIRACULOUS relief from their demons when they do this too, and the old timers I know who seem to me to have the most ? 'wellness' are the ones who are focused on helping the newcomer get sober and stay sober.

So PHONE A NEWCOMER EVERY DAY.
"A newcomer a day, keeps the alcoholism at bay"

"Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety."
AA preamble