What you resist persists: 'We have ceased fighting anything or anyone' p84

Here is a phrase I use when I encounter something I dislike and want to get rid of promptly. I find it really helpful in stopping the rising panic when I see something I think is 'bad' that I must get rid of immediately. It helps me shift into a more open hearted space,

The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

and if I am willing to tolerate the fear that the 'thing' will never leave me, I find the inner conflict dies down and I feel much more peaceful inside. The drama disappears, and the object becomes much more peaceful to have to live with, and can often melt away quite quickly. Its a great trick, so I thought I would share it. Fighting all my defects would just be too exhausting and difficult. A full time job :) So this kind of acceptance is better. Yes, I encounter fear, but AA taught me to to 'do the next right thing' whether I liked it or not, so this is just another time when I have to have some faith in the process and just surrender and get myself out of the way. get rid of the self will, controlling neurotic tendency. Weirdly enough, it is when you surrender that you win :) Well thats what I find. I've put some examples of things I might want to resist, fight or correct, to give you an idea, but it doesn't really matter what examples you use. Just substitute the thing you hate the most about yourself, or others for that matter and see if it works for you.

Some bullet points which relate to this approach.
We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol p84
What you resist persists
Keep coming back. We invite even the most heedless and errant AA member to 'keep coming back.' Why not extend the same principle to ALL our 'visitors'. Including our internal visitors such as the emotions and thoughts that show up on a daily basis?
Acceptance. Some people call this 'radical acceptance'. Does not imply permission to 'act out' or 'indulge in destructive behaviors' or heedlessness. This is about an internal attitude toward things, not so much what you 'do'.
This does not mean being a doormat or a martyr. Or recklessly putting yourself in the line of fire.
Its about 'holding a space' for all these different 'people place and things,' instead of rejecting aspects of ourselves.
It means you never slam the door and say 'No room at the inn!' to any of these 'things'. You resolve to hold a space for ALL of them. Even the most intolerable.
Shadow work: What are you unwilling to acknowledge or permit in yourself? Acknowledge it. Integrate it. Stop running away from it. Let go of trying to 'control' it. Allow it a space at the table too. Show it compassion.

Blank examples.
We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even X.
The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even X.
The door of my heart is open to you, X. Come in. Pull up a chair. You're very welcome. Stay as long as you want.

Named examples.
We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even anger.
The door of my heart is open to you, anger. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even jealousy.
The door of my heart is open to you, jealousy. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even 'restless, irritable and discontent'.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'restless, irritable and discontent'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even loneliness.
The door of my heart is open to you, loneliness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even sadness.
The door of my heart is open to you, sadness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even weepy-ness.
The door of my heart is open to you, weepy-ness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even fear.
The door of my heart is open to you, fear. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even self pity.
The door of my heart is open to you, self pity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even hatred.
The door of my heart is open to you, hatred. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my broken-ness.
The door of my heart is open to you, broken-ness.. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my 'wrong' components.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'wrong' components. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even my destructive behaviors.
The door of my heart is open to you, my destructive behaviors. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even judgmental thoughts.
The door of my heart is open to you, judgmental thoughts. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even obsessive behavior.
The door of my heart is open to you, obsessive behavior. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even the habits I hate.
The door of my heart is open to you, the habits I hate. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even intolerance.
The door of my heart is open to you, intolerance. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even impatience.
The door of my heart is open to you, impatience. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even confusion.
The door of my heart is open to you, confusion. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even being lost.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'being lost'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even exhaustion.
The door of my heart is open to you, exhaustion. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even negative entities.
The door of my heart is open to you, negative entities. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even rapists.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed an act of rape'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even murderers.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed an act of murder'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even lairs.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who has committed the act of lying'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even those who have no desire to get well.
The door of my heart is open to you, 'person who have no desire to get well'. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even irrationality.
The door of my heart is open to you, irrationality. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even lack of clarity.
The door of my heart is open to you, lack of clarity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even despair.
The door of my heart is open to you, despair. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even hopelessness.
The door of my heart is open to you, hopelessness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even purposelessness.
The door of my heart is open to you, purposelessness. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even sorrow.
The door of my heart is open to you, sorrow. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even tears.
The door of my heart is open to you, tears. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even control-freak-ness.
The door of my heart is open to you, control-freak-ness.. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even frustration.
The door of my heart is open to you, frustration. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even depression.
The door of my heart is open to you, depression. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

We have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even negativity.
The door of my heart is open to you, negativity. Come in. Stay as long as you want.

Hope you all had a !! restful alcohol free 4th of July and are making the most of the great weather :)

observational comedy on Spiritual Pride

AA Destroying The Social Lives Of Thousands Of Once-Fun Americans

This video does not seem to want to upload properly. Oh well You will just have to click on the link instead. It is from the Onion.
I am not endorsing the end result of this comedy sketch, but I LOVE its very accurate portrayal of taking oneself far !!! too seriously and the trap of Spiritual Pride, where you can end up feeling smug, self satisfied or slightly (!) superior to drinkers or other AA's with less recovery. Or anyone really..
When the first 100 members said 'We absolutely insist on enjoying life' they had a point. :)
Anyway, I could not resist sharing this as I thought was very funny and exposes the trap we can all fall into of thinking that we are more 'worthy' or ? something compared to other people because we have had a spiritual awakening.. Meaning we use the process of recovery as an 'ego-feeding-proposition' in itself. Reinforcing narcissism, self importance, self obsession and self centredness. My experience has taught me that much of what AA brings about is a series of very ego puncturing admissions, one after ! another. When however I feel as though I am moving toward an ego massaging proposition, I instinctively feel I am moving away from recovery. I simply do not trust that movement. I prefer ego puncturing. This allows me the freedom not to be serious all the time, or be 'earnest' like I mentioned in the previous post.
Anyway.. Have a great (sanctimonious-free, smug-free and pious-free) Thursday :)

You are Lovable

It might take a while, but eventually you will realize that you are actually alright, a lovable human being, ..and it will be utterly !! heartbreaking to see all the wasted years that you thought you ought to hate/diminish yourself for all your 'wrongs'.
If you think you feel sad now, just wait! ..this will wound you to your very centre. But in a good way. Each time we get a bit better, we grieve for the wasted days, months, decades, when we were 'blind and could not see' and thought it was acceptable to loathe ourselves and our weaknesses.
It ? might be a long time coming, but it will show up eventually..
The sooner you 'get' this, the less time you will squander. -As a fully lived life is impossible if you believe deep down that you deserve to be hated, even if only by yourself.
(I prefer the word hate to the word resentment btw, I see them as interchangeable in case you are wondering..)

If you hate your ‘character defects’, or castigate yourself for having them, reading about the Shadow may help.
Understanding the Shadow is a great way to embrace ones ‘wrongs’ wholeheartedly, without following them heedlessly. It is very respectful toward the presence of destructive impulses, yet accepts them as part of ones humanity.

Have a fabulous Wednesday :) Gosh where did the year go?..

Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Well, after all those kind comments you alcoholic bloggers left for me in the last post, I think I'm going to have to do buy this book, and commit it entirely to memory :)
..no, seriously, this book does appeal to me, but I confess I haven't read it yet.
Its called: Facing the Dragon: Confronting Personal and Spiritual Grandiosity

Personally, I think the ego is extraordinarily insidious. Never really goes away. Best you can do, is learn to tolerate it gracefully. Some people, do manage to have very impressive absence of? Ego. Not nearly enough unfortunately.
There is that whole, "false humility" thing, which I find a little bit distasteful. I'm not very good at tolerating it, because I find it embarrassingly transparent. If it was less obvious, then it wouldn't bug me so much. But as it is, it's sort of stands out like a sore thumb, and it's very difficult to not notice.

Also, this subject has significance for either someone with long-term sobriety, or someone with less sobriety who is able to enjoy a high standard of of emotional stability, for want of a better word. When I say emotional stability, I don't mean that they somehow experience that sort of "flat line" emotional life. What I mean is, that they don't take their emotional state personally. Meaning their relationship to their varied, unpredictable, and conflicting states, is "no big deal".
And of course, this applies to all those that by default have a confident demeanour, and a tendency towards complacency.

Personally, I find when things are going well, that's the time I'm most likely to get lazy and complacent. So success for me, is a sort of minefield. You'd be surprised how easy it is to wreck things, by just letting things slide. So, the more success you experience, the easier it is to become complacent. Well that's what I find anyway.

So, I think this book looks quite promising. There is nothing more unattractive than grandiosity. And how easy! it is to think oneself slightly better than the next man, especially when the next man is in a particularly sorry state, for one reason or another. Like someone said, "it's easy to love the lovable ones".

I must admit, I find those things I learned from having to deal with success of one sort or another, quite interesting. Because so much of my life before was about failure after failure. So, I never really had to learn how to be responsible when good things came my way. Now I am in a fortunate position in many ways, life is a lot better than it was. I have more luck than I deserve. And yes, in this impermanent world, nothing is certain. "This too shall pass". The good things pass, and the bad things pass. But in the past all I had was lots of bad things. At least, that's the way it seemed. I daresay I have a slanted perception of my past, so they that may not be entirely accurate! But yes I became very good at different forms of crisis management. Whereas now, my challenge is to maintain the good things, so that I do not allow them to slip through my fingers. Nor hold on to them so tightly, that I squeeze the life out of them. And this is an entirely new lesson. For me.

So anyway, it I just thought I would mention this book, because us alcoholics are a bit ! weak on the ego front. Even those of us who consider ourselves to be uniquely awful. ..So much so that we are 'special and different', in a worse way, than other aa's. Which is bull.

Right I'm off. And thank you so much for your kind comments on my birthday. If I'm honest, compliments make me slightly uncomfortable, As I subscribe more to the Kipling review of criticism and compliments From be poem called if

If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;

Meaning I think of both criticism and compliments as imposters. Because neither of them tell the whole story. And no matter how nice the thing you are telling me is, I know that there is another side to that. And that feeling never really leaves me, so on the one hand it is only polite to say thank you, but I don't feel as though I am a better person because I have those compliments. the nagging reality of my varied nature is all too apparent, unfortunately. I don't mean that in a disparaging sense, because I wholeheartedly believe that all humans contains shades of light and dark, so when I say that, it has no 'good' or 'bad' meaning. it's like saying 'I am just like you'. So there is no sense of shame or criticism, for me when I think those thoughts.

One thing I like about long-term sobriety, if that every now and again, life pulls you up short, in no uncertain terms, and lets you know absolutely that you don't know everything. So I kind of know that a moment that feels just like that, lies ahead. And that's why it easier to not take success or failure personally, and to see it all as shades of experience. Neither good nor bad. Right or wrong.

There I go again. I had every intention of writing a very short post. Just mentioning the book and the author and leaving it at that. Typical.
Well have a fabulous day, wherever you are :)

It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS

All Souls Church, Langham Place. Rear door, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who likes me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who doesn't like me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who agrees with me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who doesn't agree with me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what other people think of me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS why people like me or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS why people agree with me or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who 'gets' it (meaning sobriety) and who doesn't.
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who ends up being a friend and who doesn't
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who ends up wanting to be my friend and who doesn't
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS which men are attracted to me and which aren't
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS whether it makes any sense or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I can contribute or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like it or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what exam marks I get
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I feel like going to the gym or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I feel like eating healthily or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get sick or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how long I get to live
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I have an accident or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what will happen next week or next hour
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what thoughts come into my head
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what feelings arise in any given moment
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how well or badly I react to things
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am better or worse than the next person
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how things turn out
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how well I understand things
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how fast or slowly I recover
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like Sponsees or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like sponsoring or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if things are easy or difficult
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like it or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am getting along with everyone or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how long I get to stay in my current employment
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am successful or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am in physical pain or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I encounter enemies or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am betrayed or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I can handle it
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how I look. What voice I have. What personality I have
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how long it takes to erode a destructive mental habit
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am frightened or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I experience grief or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if it feels overwhelming
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I respond well to
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I 'click' with
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if my lousy best is good enough
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who responds well to me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who responds badly to me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I can or cannot help
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if get what I want or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get the thing that feels most important or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I lose the thing that feels most important or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS why the world is the way it is
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if it rains or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like AA meetings or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I look foolish from time to time
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS when I get it wrong, how often, or how badly I get it wrong
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I fail or succeed
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if my head doesn't change for a looong time
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if my feelings don't change for a looong time
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who reads this blog, of what people think of it
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am verbally attacked or blamed
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I acheive my ideal weight, or body shape
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get the dream man or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am misrepresented or misunderstood
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I need to be alone or spend time with people
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who the best teachers are on any given day
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who tells me what I need to know
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS where I get the direction and guidance I need from
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS when I need help
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how stubborn persistent and intractable my 'wrong view' is
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am a nice person or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am 'right' or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I manage to avoid terrible errors of judgment or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS when the people I love die or get sick
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get the help I THINK I need or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what people, places and things I am attracted to
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am appreciated or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I get a pleasant lifestyle or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I have financial security or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if it feels like I have achieved something or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS whether it means anything in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS whether I find out later I have been barking up the wrong tree or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS how many friends I have, or where I find them
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who is important to me
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS who I manage to help
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if there is a 'payoff' or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I experience very unskillful negative mind states, and how often
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I know what to say or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I have enough patience and tolerance or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I am neurotic or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if I like you or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if there is a happy ending or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if the good guys 'win' in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if evil prevails in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS if humans destroy themselves in the end or not
It's NONE OF MY BUSINESS what happens!! Basically.

As you can tell. the list is ENDLESS!

Meaning I have let go of the DELUSION that I am 'the actor running the show'
I don't have a say
I don't have a vote
I don't get to rearrange reality to be the way I think it 'should' be.
I cannot control people places and things. That means you, me, the world and all that happens in-between. Everything! The complete opposite of being a control freak basically..

Don't get me wrong
I work as hard as I can
I do my LOUSY BEST
Which I can assure you, feels like going to ANY !!!! LENGTHS !! some days.
So I do NOT get to 'put my feet up' just because I am not a successful dictator of world events.

Apart from that, life is very straightforward!!

Before you get all !! depressed, read the stuff I posted under the label Insightful writing which includes the writing calledDo good anyway... By Mother Theresa

(I'm still ADDICTED to Ajahn Amaro's talks at the moment..)

Have a nice Sunday! Its GLORIOUS over here.
Thank God for freshly squeezed orange juice ice lollies!!

'Maybe I'm not that bad': Pervasive and unconscious Self Doubt

Committee Room window with balcony, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

'Maybe I'm not that bad'
Is a thought I get quite a lot these days. The reason I’m mentioning it here is so that you kind-of know this is coming. Later on. A lot. If you have not started thinking this already.
As far as I am concerned if you start thinking this in a sort of involuntary way in less than 5 years sobriety, I think you are doing a pretty !! good job.
Whatever. I suppose I had some ? sort of renewed faith in myself at 5 years, but this is different. Its like its very VERY slowly ‘dawning’ on me, that I MIGHT NOT BE THAT BAD.
You know, not ‘beyond hope’
Not ‘beyond repair’
Not a ‘lost cause’ in respect to certain areas I would have been CONVINCED were ‘off limits’ or ‘out of reach’.
More like I see the ‘plasticity’ of recovery.
I am starting to be more open minded as to just what can be altered.
More ? optimistic perhaps.
Perhaps I see better that you can cover A LOT of ground sometimes. If you just keep your head down and do the work, instead of giving up on yourself because it looks IMPOSSIBLE.

I’m not just talking about difficult tasks like study. (Because that really is difficult.) I mean stuff the therapists tell you JUST ISNT POSSIBLE.
The stuff they tell you CANT BE DONE.
I suppose I mean emotional work. Getting from A to B.
Hey I’m not there yet, but more and more I see my insides changing for the better. I don’t really know WHY it’s happening. I can guess. I have very helpful influences in my recovery. By no virtue of mine. I am lucky perhaps. I have no idea why people are helpful to me. That’s the truth. I really don’t know if I am doing the right things or not. I try my best but I have no idea if I am off course. I suspect I am sometimes. Hopefully not too often. Whatever. What I mean is I HAVE NO SURE FOOTING. I make my best guess and that’s it. The rest I don’t know.
Which means I am still capable of making crippling errors of judgement from time to time. That’s scary. When you REALLY realise that. That ALL your knowledge and ALL your experience, and ALL your ‘good intentions’ WILL NOT SAVE YOU from your own ..fallabilty.
To err is human. Unfortunately.
We are all in the same boat. None of us REALLY know what we are doing.
We all LIKE to think we ‘know’ left from right.
But it’s not that simple.
Anyway. The issue of uncertainty aside.

I just hear myself saying to myself in my head 'Maybe I'm not that bad' in a sort of bewildered confused surprise. Like I just learned that black is white or up is down. It’s a confusing perception, but feels like a gradual dawning upon my senses that all this time I was wrong, and things really are NOT what they seem.

The reason I mention this, is because I tend to sponsor people with very low self-image. Way WAY !!! off the reality chart. They think they are second-class citizens or something. The thinking is SO pervasive and habitual, they don’t even notice it till I point it out. The look of aghast surprise when I tell them they have a DUTY to themselves to NOT permit others to mistreat them repeatedly comes as a HUGE surprise.
So what I’m saying is they are very LOW confidence, LOW self-belief types. (I might add that learning to NOT be a doormat is NOT as easy as it sounds. Those with persecution complexes for instance need to be VERY VERY !!! careful with this one, as they see ‘attack’ everywhere, and are frequently wrong.)

Anyway. I hear them saying later on, in the same slightly surprised tone I hear in my own head, saying ‘Maybe I’m not that bad’. And it makes me realise that we are having the same experience on some level or other. Which always cheers me up as I want sponsees to feel and experience the things I have felt in the process to getting well. It reassures me that I am passing it on. Thank god. You have to give it away to keep it. And I plan on keeping it.

Don’t get me wrong. I have a list a MILE long of stuff I want to be different. Stuff I have NO IDEA how I will crack. Seriously. Makes study look like a piece of cake!
I have SO many things I want to be different. But I have NO idea when or how it will happen. I’m just ‘plugging away’. Doing my lousy best. Seeing what happens. Some of this stuff I have been working on in some form or other for YEARS. And I am VERY stubborn!! Heheh. Even though I KNOW something is GOOD for me, I DO NOT LIKE HAVING TO LET GO OF OLD IDEAS and CONSIDER THAT I MIGHT BE COMLETELY !!!!! WRONG !!!! ABOUT SOMETHING.
Unfortunately that’s the ONLY way I know how to change things!
First. Consider the ! possibility that I am COMPLETLY !! WRONG about something!

Basically you have to eat a LOT of humble pie.
Eat your words.
Reverse ones ideas about things. All kinds of stuff.
Basically as they say in the U2 video for the the song ‘the fly..

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG

Heheh. Its TRUE.
Horrifying isn’t it?
Heheee well you just gotta get used to it and get used to eating your words.

And here’s the thing.
As I am writing this. I KNOW that at some point in the future, I might ! look back at this and think..

W o w
I was S O wrong about that .. and I had NO idea. No clue at ALL.
But hey. On that cheery note! I may as well head off to the gym and all that stuff.

But do you see? Nothing is really certain. That’s what I mean. And even when we are quite nice human beings, we still have terrible, glaring weaknesses we have yet to discover, or fully appreciate. But glaring weaknesses are all part of the deal of being a human. So no big deal. What’s new?

That’s why I think its funny that people look at old timers like they ‘know the answers’. Anyone with ANY sense KNOWS they don’t know the answers. But I am CONVINCED that new people are attracted to people who have been around simply because they can SENSE that the ‘old timer’ can TELL that there are no ‘right’ answers. That ability to rest comfortably in uncertainty is what makes them look ‘safe’. Gawd knows.

Right. Gym beckons.

By the way, this ‘I’m not that bad’ stuff. I’m not fishing for compliments. I KNOW I’m alright, but I’m just sharing with you the conversations I have with myself regarding my own pervasive self doubt.

Also this is more relevant to those from the self-doubt end of the spectrum. I meet newcomers who have FAR too much confidence for heir own good. They reckon they are ‘A-ok!’ when they CLEARLY are not. Those people need a WHOLE different kind of conversation going on!! This is more for the people who CANNOT see no matter HOW hard they look, that they are ALRIGHT.
So there you go. See? You ARE MUCH better than you think. You just don’t know it yet. Yes and you have terrible flaws too, that you probably cant see either, but what I’m saying is that EVEN WITH THOSE TERRIBLE FLAWS, YOU ARE OK.
Flaws are normal. Even the terrible blind ones.
But YOU are OK. You are really quite a nice person. Yeah. ! Even you!
Weird huh?


So what's the moral of the story?
ACT AS IF YOU ARE NOT A PIECE OF SH*T
Why?
Because you will be MAD !!!!! at yourself in years to come when it FINALLY dawns on you that actually.. YOU ARE NOT THAT BAD!
You will be KICKING yourself for all the wasted opportunities and things you just figured were IMPOSSIBLE or OUT OF REACH, when you realize you ARE ok.
So save yourself a LOT !!! of heartache and beating yourself up later, by ALWAYS AIMING HIGHER THAN YOU THINK YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO. (‘Beyond your wildest dreams’ as they say..)
The worst thing that can happen is that someone will tell you ‘No’.
But I would MUCH rather someone ELSE told you NO,
Than YOU told you NO.
See? The IDEAL ‘no’ comes from SOMEBODY ELSE, not from YOU.
so basically. Don’t discount yourself from stuff. Nice people, nice places, nice jobs, you name it.
Because in YEARS to come, LONG after opportunities have come and gone. You will FINALLY realize that you are a !! nice human being. That other people want to be around! Even the nice ! people want to be around! You know. Properly.
So there you go.

‘Simple but not easy’ as the saying goes.
Too right!
See y’all. Have a fabulous Thursday!

An Instant Cure for Self Pity, or an attack of the 'Poor Me's'

There is probably SOMEONE out there who is sufficiently ! self obsessed or has such entrenched and habitual 'poor me' thinking, that they will be able to STILL feel sorry for themselves AFTER watching this, but hopefully those people will be few and far between!

Happy Easter and all that. But go easy on the chocolate girlies! You will only regret it later. :( Have a Green and Blacks Nut and Seed Cereal Bars instead. They are probably JUST as calorific, but for some (deluded) reason, you feel slightly ? immune from the curse of imminent obesity after polishing off the entire pack of three in one go. Not that I !! would know anything about that! Yeah right. Ah well . Back to the raw broccoli I suppose...

The meaning of Pride (manifesting as Judgment) as learned in Step 4 and 5

Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell

I think this book explains what Sponsees (hopefully) come to understand as being 'Pride' - manifesting as 'Judgment' in step 5. This book really encapsulates the pointlessness of making ANYTHING 'good' or 'bad'.
It is essentially an essay on how reality is in fact NEUTRAL, yet we ascribe value to it either in the form or 'good' or 'bad'. This creates problems with the self, as we 'decide' some bits of us are 'good' and others 'bad', and EDIT our expression of yourself to EXCLUDE the parts we fear we will be JUDGED for...Not realizing that the very act of doing this *ucks us up and destroys any sense of authenticity and integrity. A loss or drop in honesty ALWAYS results in a diminishing and lowering of the personal state. Basically 'we are as sick as our secrets'. (By the way this does NOT mean that a 'free for all' approach to honesty is any good either!)
What's the solution? A COMMITMENT TO TELL THE UNFLATTERING EGO PUNCTURING TRUTH EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Hahhaah
Yeah! Easy huh? (..erm.. no!)
Well its not as bad as it seems. Thank GOD AA prepares us for this by the 'induction' of step 4 and 5. The idea is, is that that teaches us the GOOD things that come to pass when we learn to made ego puncturing admissions a way of life.
Oh well.
Anyway I just found this book the other day, and realize that it contains a lot of the principles I learned by going to retreats and doing step 11 stuff. It espouses 'Neither repression nor indulgence' (as the monks use to say), but kind goes on a bit so you know exactly what that sentence means. Its a book about ACCEPTANCE of the MYRIAD of internal landscapes us human beings get to experience on a daily basis! So if you have not yet grasped that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD BUT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT, then this might be a good book for you to read. Its very short. I prefer thing to be expressed in more esoteric terms than therapeutic terms ,buts that's my personal preference. I find this book a little limiting, but a VERY good starting point for those who are ENSLAVED by a belief that they are 'bad, or what they think and feel are 'bad'.
No such thing my friend! Us humans ALL have weird s**t floating around in our brain space from time to time! Its no big deal! Trust me!
Right now I REALLY am off..

Hidden Motives: When Genuine DESPAIR is also a form of ATTACK

I just LOVE this book. They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life by Oliver James
Us ladies are VERY good at being ANGRY in more 'covert' ways. We don't want to be seen throwing punches, or yelling at people in the street, so we employ SNEAKY ways of expressing HOSTILTY.
We are SO good, we don't even know OURSELVES that we are being angry after a while..
(Yeah I know some women are more dis-inhibited with 'out-and-out' anger, but this is for the ones that sneak anger in the back door. So to speak.)
Anyway here's the quote:

"Our despair is GENUINE
But is is ALSO a means of expressing HOSTILITY
A COVERT way of FRUSTRATING and RETALIATING.

ANGERED by the failure of others TO NUTURE US

We use MOODS and threats, to 'GET BACK' and ''teach a lesson'
By exaggerating our plight, and acting in a miserable fashion
We AVIOD RESPONSIBILITIES
And place ADDED BURDENS on others.
Cold and stubborn silences are PUNITIVE BLACKMAIL, a THREAT of trouble to come."
P206 They F*** you up by Oliver James.

Ouch!
I kind of knew moods were a way of being angry, but I think he has captured this trait REALLY well in this passage.
Particularly the despair and the nurture part.
I tend to view despair as something that hurts the owner more than anything. And if I am experiencing despair, I am too self absorbed to see the impact it is having on others. Even if the mood is not 'acted out' as such.
I LOVE this passage. Good old Oliver. Perhaps men have a better view of the way us women are covertly angry. Who knows. But I LOVE this observation.
I just LOVE finding hidden anger and attack.
See I don't do the more obvious moods or sulks as such. Nothing that you would notice externally anyway. I'm from the more repressed end of the spectrum. But I hadn't seen the way the feeling of despair could have a sneaky more unconscious agenda to punish, that's all.
Yeah I know some women do very OVERT moods and sulks. Door slamming. Plate throwing. Obvious tantrums and what have you. Those are EASY to spot. It is the SUBTLE stuff that sneaks in under the radar that bugs me. So there you go.

So just for the sake of clarity. If we were all really good at EGO PUNCTURING HONESTY.
Instead of 'doing' despair in this way.
We could say:
"Yes right now, it WOULD be true to say I am feeling some despair.
But in addition to that, I can see there is (quite a strong) temptation to use that mood as a way of punishing you. Classic GUILT TRIP material really..
You see the truth is, that I AM angered by (what **I** see) as your FAILURE to NUTURE me.
But rather than say that OUT LOUD, (because lets face it, it sounds a bit naff and petulant.)
Its 'easier' (Ha!..NOT!) to flail about, feeling sorry for myself, and wallow in a sense of hopelessness, (because I KNOW that will make you feel BAD) rather than deal with this problem face on. Or GOD FORBID
ACTUALLY HAVE THE GUTS TO ASK FOR THE THING (whatever it is) THAT I THINK (?) I NEED RIGHT NOW, that you APPEAR to not be giving me.
You know WHY I don't ask?

Well firstly, because I probably don't even know MYSELF what it is!!.
Why? Because I am FAR better at thinking about what I DON'T want instead of what I DO want.
When I'm in one of these moods, I'm more interested in PUNISHING you, than ACTUALLY SORTING OUT MY PROBLEM.

And secondly, because I HATE thinking of myself as NEEDY. Which is what I essentially AM, when I'm in one of these moods. Its quite a VULNERABLE place, and I don't like being VULNERABLE and EXPOSED like this. Its too ego puncturing!

Thirdly. Actually SEEING what I DO require to feel 'nurtured' is VERY, VERY ego puncturing. It makes me see my own HUMANITY. And I don't want to be human.
I want to be INVULNERABLE!
To rise above everything!
To feel FINE all the time! (ie not FEEL vulnerable EVER again.)
And even WORSE. Let YOU see me being VULNERABLE. Ouch!
These messy, squishy emotions are EMBARRASING to my ego, and reduce me (in my UNFORGIVING eyes) to the level of a pathetic blob. Basically I HATE admitting my weaknesses and BASIC HUMANITY. Even to myself. Yeah the alcoholic ego does NOT like that ONE BIT!

So that's why I throw a mood. And do the 'despair' trip.
Keeps me in the PROBLEM, not the SOLUTION.
Which I can see is not really ! helping. To say the least.
So yeah, there is some genuine despair going on, and I'm not ashamed of that.
But this time I am NOT going to use it as a CLUB to BEAT you over the head with. (Which you will be glad to hear!).
I will EVEN, go so far, as to actually sit down and think about EXACTLY what version of 'nurturing' I had the GALL to harbor an EXPECTATION of receiving.
And once I have FIGURED OUT WHAT IT IS,
I might very well POLITIELY ASK YOU for that thing.
ONLY THIS TIME, I will NOT harbor a GRUDGE or an EXPECTATION that you are BOUND to oblige me in this request.
Hey I am not running the show here.
I am not the 'manager'.
This is a two way street, and I can ask, but that DOESN'T guarantee that I will 'get'.
But at LEAST I will have the GUTS to ask.
Instead of simply ALLOWING the "All is lost' and 'What's the point?' THINKING, and the feelings of despair and overwhelm that INEVITABLY accompany that.
Even if ASPECTS of those despairing feelings are genuine.

Heheh.
Im not saying you SHOULD say this, but I just thought it would be fun to articulate a more ego puncturing admission of what is going on, behind the scenes, so to speak, that Oliver James describes in that passage.
I like YANKING the dodgy thought processes into the light, for scrutiny.
The 'cure' for everything is HONESTY. Well that's what I think, so a bit of brutal truth-telling seems to pave the way for change. Well that's what I find. The truth seems to make the disease shrink back into the cracks in the ether from whence it came. Seems to banish shadows. Honesty is like a flashlight. I call it 'cleaning under the cooker'. Bleh!! No one LIKES cleaning under the cooker! Have you SEEN what's under there? Its GROSS!
But if you do get stuck in and face the ! Yukky ! Stuff down there, a burden is lifted, and we feel better.

Phew! Why cant I write SHORTER posts??
See then I wouldn't have so many half finished ones!!
Hey have a FABULOUS Thursday y'all..

Constant thought of Others (Not just Newcomers): ALL life situations can be viewed as "An Opportunity for Service"

There is nothing more to life than giving. Being helpful. Its the only reason we're here really. To TRY to help one another.
See the film Groundhog day.
Any life lived in the absence of 'giving' is a life not worth having. Well that's what I think. A spirit of generosity is EVERYTHING. Without it, it is a VERY grey lackluster world.
This is a clip from the film Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97)
"CONSTANT thought of Others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20)

Service is NOT something you do at the weekends. Or something you reserve for newcomers. It is an ATTITUDE. A service mindset.
ALL life situations can be viewed as 'An opportunity for service"
Just requires a little imagination. That's all.
Job, prayer life, family life. EVERYTHING can be done with an ATTITUDE of EITHER Self Seeking OR Self Forgetting.
EVE-RY-THING!

Alcoholics are APPALLINGLY Self centered. This CHRONIC self obsession is the root of their suffering. And poisons their experience of their life no matter HOW many fortunate circumstances they may obtain. Including fortunate religious circumstances.

If ALL you do is help the occasional newcomer, and then go right back to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED, in ALL your affairs, you will CONTINUE to suffer.

Self Seeking v's Self Forgetting
So basically Newcomers are your BEST CHANCE at grasping the importance of not being SELF OBSESSED.
If you think you can view Service as being CONFINED to newcomers, you are SORELY mistaken.
Until you TRANSFER the SKILL of SELF FORGETTING , FIRST acquired whilst working with newcomers, TO EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE , you will continue to "step on the toes of your fellows and they retaliate". (p62)

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate" (p62)

So yeah. The first 100 members were Not talking out of their A*SE when they said
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery".

Trust me. Its the truth. Whether you like it or not.
Helping NOT JUST NEWCOMERS.
Helping FULL STOP.

That's why they say:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

OTHERS.
Not JUST newcomers.

Yeah newcomers get PRIORITY. Why?
"Our PRIMARY purpose is to STAY sober and HELP other ALCOHOLICS to ACHIEVE sobriety." (From The AA Preamble)

So yeah. They get TOP priority. In terms of free time. (If any!)
But AFTER that, we help 'others'.
Ie ANYBODY.
Not just arbitrarily.
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

Ie in a way that helps as MANY as possible. So try to help in such a way that brings the greatest benefit to the greatest number with the limited resources of time and energy you have. It is a complex moral argument. One has to delegate time and energy with the consideration of the potential impact one can make. An ineffectual and time consuming ATTEMPT to help, deprives many others who COULD have been helped with a better course of action or a more effectual strategy.
So basically its a very STRATEGIC approach to the expenditure of ones time and energy in trying to help others.

My EXPERIENCE is that when I pursue a life goal with a SELF SEEKING motive
I do not have as much success in achieving that goal, as when I adopt a SELF FORGETTING motive.
My mind is clearer, when I adopt the latter.
I can see the wood for the trees.
More is revealed.
Plus I don't p*ss people off nearly as much.
I meet the right people at the right time.
I 'bump into' the right information.
It just 'works' better.

Yeah DESPERATION gets results too. But the emotional 'fallout' for THAT coping mechanism is VERY high. Its a very UPTIGHT condition to maintain. Unless you plan on anesthetizing yourself with mind altering drugs to 'take the edge off', you could end up like a VERY !!! tightly coiled spring!

How do you know when you are doing this thing?
When you keep having the experience Bill Murray has when he is on the dance floor in the movie Groundhog Day. Ie Almost every conversation he has includes an expression of appreciation for a past act of some sort. There is also some unspoken appreciation which is just as real, but doesn't take the form of words. Its not that difficult to tell when one is appreciated. If people are always glad to see us, we can assume they benefit from their association with us.

But the rule is. Just like Bill Murray does in the film..
YOU DO THESE THINGS ONLY !! TO THE EXTENT THAT THEY LIFT ! YOUR SPIRITS.
If you become a MARTYR
You get 'NIL POINTS'

Why?
Because by becoming a MARTYR
You place yourself in BREACH of the EXPLICIT instruction
"We (meaning the first 100 members) are SURE that GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE" p133 Big Book
"WE (meaning the first 100 members) ABSOLUTELY INSIST on ENJOYING LIFE" p132 Big Book

So, Get off the cross we need the wood
Do it like Bill Murray instead.
Have some FUN with it for Gods sakes!

Perhaps that clarifies what I mean when I use the word 'service' better..
Have a good Monday y'all.. Keep on keepin on as they say..

If Jane Tomlinson's example doesn't convince you there's NO excuse for Self Pity. NOTHING will..

Ancient Statue of Buddha Room 33 British Museum, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

From the Guardian. Although you can find this story in MANY newspapers online. I just picked the Guardian article at random.

The tireless charity fundraiser Jane Tomlinson has died. The mother-of-three took up running after being diagnosed with terminal cancer in 2000 and told she had six months to live.
In the following seven years she raised £1.75m for charities, most of it through feats of endurance which included cycling from Italy to Yorkshire and across the US, as well as numerous marathons and gruelling ironman events.

Here's an interview with Jane Tomlinson that was broadcast on Womens Hour on radio 4 today.

Are you being a Control Freak with your Character Defects?: "The more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got." p66

Interior Stone Gothic Archways, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Stop fighting your demons: (Control Freak. White knuckle. Self will)

For me its when I am essentially being a CONTROL FREAK that I get hung up on the TODAY's emotional 'outcome.' For example:

Whether I am impatient TODAY
Whether I am intolerant TODAY
Whether I have self pity TODAY
Whether I have inferiority TODAY

The 'outcome' is NONE OF MY BUSNESS. We all have a ?'dark side', a weak side to our personality. I just don't feel ? shame about that anymore. but that's shadow work really. Once you understand the shadow side of things, you stop feeling judgmental and bad about dark ? lurking parts of the mind.

By the way these are GREAT books on Shadow work:
Meeting the Shadow by Connie Zweig
A Little Book on the Human Shadow by Robert Bly
Women Who Run with the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Doesn't mean I ENCOURAGE them. Just means I accept that EVERY human has them. The whole human condition is a bit weird really. Can be very dark and very light at the same time. There are so many facets to the mind. It never ends. Its when we stop 'fighting' the 'dark side' that a RELAXED ACCEPTANCE sort of 'kicks in' and everything calms down. Ironic really. 'the more we fight and try to have our own way, the worse matters got' as they say..

Life is just TOO SHORT. And besides, getting hung up on this stuff is too much like taking myself FAR TOO SERIOUSLY. Not wearing life like a loose garment.
I call it 'right effort'. Where I am putting one foot in front of the other, trying to do the 'next right thing', but at the same time, NOT BEING PREOCCUPIED WITH THE OUTCOME too much.
Yeah its a bit of a balancing act. Lots of effort. Going to ANY LENGTHS sometimes as a matter of fact, but not placing my mental energy in the OUTCOME. Why? Because IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS. I have no way of controlling the outcome, so it makes no sense really to get too concerned with it.
So yeah. Get busy going to ANY LENGTHS to have a FABULOUS life, but do not waste one iota of mental or emotional energy on the outcome of your efforts, as you have no control over the outcome anyway.

Whatever. That's just what I think.
Yeah I get frustrated at the speed of my improvements in some areas too. But that's normal to feel like that from time to time. I just don't have the mental energy to be 'fussy' about my recovery. Being pretty laid back has become the norm, so fussing over ANYTHING just feels ? 'odd'. So yeah, I want things quicker too, but by and large I just kind of plod on, and just get on with it.

The human condition is pretty unflattering. We are quite infantile, petty creatures really.

Well that's what it seems like anyway. Perhaps it is ? Different for 'normal' non alcoholics? The people that just seem to get things done and not react very much at all? I dunno. But this is something I have been noticing a LOT lately.. Seems to be EVERYWHERE...

The more I get to know my head, the more ? 'small' and pathetic it looks. I call it, petty, childish, pathetic, defensive, grandiose, lazy, reptilian, 'cornered rat syndrome'. what I'm trying to say is that it is NOT very sophisticated. No 'big' words for it. I thought getting to know my mind would be 'interesting' and ? academic or something. But instead it seems very basic and a bit petty and embarrassing.
I can sort of see now why a wise person told me that I didn't need a therapist and I would do a much better job of it on my own. most of the time I see my outlook as very basic. an attempt to avoid 'grown up' things. stay a child, and shift the blame onto someone else.
I think you get used to it after a while. but at the moment I am surprised at how petty and small the human condition is. I'm sure I will reach a point where I have more compassion for this, but its a big disappointment to see it the way I do. (By the way if I am disappointed, it just means my previous expectations were too high)

Don't get me wrong. I can see there is good stuff in my head as well,but the 'small', lazy, petty, hiding, avoidant, shifting blame part, just looks SO disappointing. There are grand aspects of the human condition, but the 'small' bit looks SO lame. Oh well.
I think what I find disappointing, is that because there are layers of more sophisticated thought, its like I think we should 'know better'. But I suppose alongside the sophistication and more developed ideas, is a much more ? Reptilian part of the brain. Hey I will get used to it, but for the time being this is my current ? Disappointment I am coming to terms with.
I think to myself, 'why isn't it second nature for people to employ their OBVIOUS intelligence in the pursuit of the destruction of this childish pettiness? And why are these very capable minds still being run on some level by an inner infant? I would like them to be more impartial and less at the mercy of these basic childish instincts.

Whatever. Its none of my business. I don't know WHY I thought looking in my brain would reveal something 'interesting' or 'impressive', any more than you should expect to be 'impressed' when you cut open a body (surgery etc) to examine the contents. Well inside the mind is no more 'impressive' to look at than examining the contents of a body. Both are impressive from the point of view of the miraculous functions they are able to perform. A liver, for instance is an incredible piece of biological engineering, but I don't WANT to LOOK at a liver or HOLD one in my hand. Why? Because there's something very BASIC and very VISCERAL about it. It does not look 'grand', if you know what I mean. Well that the same way I feel about my mind. I can see there are aspects of its functioning that are transcendent and drawn to elevated ideas, but at the same time, I can see that it is THOROUGHLY BASIC in its nature too. That seems to me to be the FAR more obvious part of it.
So there you go. That's what's been on my mind lately. I am coming round to the idea. But I'm not quite there yet. I am in the process of getting used to the idea that our intelligence does not save us from our childish (ego driven) tantrums.
Now I can see why 'restraint of tongue and pen' is such a HIGH teaching. Because it essentially ROADBLOCKS this 'pathetic' part of the brain. Which, now I can see, is a HUGE part of the mind. So when you take that on, you are being pretty brave!

It sort of makes me want to be a marine, or a Shaolin monk, or spend three hours a day in the gym or something. Meaning I want to develop something inside me SO tough and SO strong, that I rarely have to observe this SMALL, PETTY bit of my mind. Or that if it does raise its head that I have the coolness or the impartiality to see it for what it is and not give in to it.
By the way I'm not saying that all marines or fitness freaks are enlightened. I'm just saying I could do with 'some of what they have' to deal with this part of the mind I am noticing a lot more these days.

Ah well . I will just have to look at developing more willpower and discipline. Or something!
Right off to the gym . Have a nice Wednesday!

Politicians and all that, who knows anything these days

Just thought I'd throw that one in, just in case you had any faith whatsoever in them to 'figure it out'. Oh well.

More to the point, none of us know REALLY. Its all a bit confusing to say the least. (!) Its better if you look at it from the point of view of how much you DON"T know instead of how much you DO know. Gives you a much more accurate assessment of how much of a grip of the situation you have. Ie NONE really.
Oh well. Never mind eh?
Hahahaa
Yeah I know it sounds depressing, but its the truth, and it saves yourself tying yourself in knots trying to figure the whole DANG thing out. Well that's what I think anyway..
Hey I have no idea why I decided to post this. But it IS how I see it, and I just thought I would share that with you..

Soft or Hard? Open or Closed?: The beauty and bravery of vulnerability

Doctor a posted this on his blog called Relationships in Recovery
and I just LOVED it:

"This means allowing ourselves to become more vulnerable, more exposed"
Balance comes when we learn to accept being off balance, not when we hold ourselves aloof."

I LOVE both those statements because they 'champion' 'the beauty and bravery of vulnerability. I have made big inroads into this faculty in the last 2-3 years. I must say I like it. Its a bit of a weird new balancing act, but its do-able. .
I'm not sure what I 'do' as such to make it happen. Its just something I 'feel' more and more as time goes on. A 'softening' if you like.
Maybe its because I am a woman and I know how easy it would be for me to be a Queen Bitch, I dunno. But I HATE the 'aloof' thing in women. YIK!!

So what I don't like is:
Not 'gentle'
Hard faced
Queen bitch
Aloof
'held in'
Controlled
Just 'so'
'Closed'
'Spikey'
Tough
Opinionated
Forceful
Conviction
'Perky': A slightly ? 'lively' amount of energy
Derogatory observations of others
Appears as an ''authority'. Meaning 'someone who KNOWS the answers.
Arrogant.
Complacent
Confident
Spiritual Pride.

What I DO like is:
Gentle
'Open'
Soft
Not 'spikey'
No 'toughness'
Everything is open to question. Open-minded.
Appears NOT as an 'authority', Meaning does not look like they know ALL the answers. Looks as though there might be MANY answers, and that the 'right' choice is FAR from obvious.
Humility.

Bleh! I have seen this trait can develop with SOME women over a long time sober. Lets see..?.. 11 years or so and after. It happens SOMETIMES if they have a VERY structured and effective programme. The less effective ones are never afforded the luxury this kind of ? Superiority. (As far as I know) It is something you 'feel' rather than what they say.
The only reason I mention this is because I have found the success rate with the method I was shown is VERY high, and if you are not careful, that 'success' can go to your head and make you VERY complacent and basically give you a COMPLETELY FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY. I've seen it happen quite a few times with former members of my old home group. Its an easy trap to fall into. The more successful you are, the more likely you are to suffer from arrogance.

Mind you, I don't want to be completely accessible, as I would be overwhelmed by other peoples problems. I need SOME boundaries!

Yeah and don't get me wrong, that DOESN"T mean that I think people are doing GREAT if they are weeping all the time either!! Or falling apart at the seams. I'm just saying this in relation to the people that become just a LITTLE TOO GOOD sometimes at being 'well'.
The way I see it, is you spend the first 8 years or so learning how NOT to be a miserable B*****d. Then you spend the NEXT 8 years learning how to be UTTERLY OPEN TO EVERY SHADE OF EMOTION, WITHOUT JUDGEMENT OR 'INDULGENCE'.
It can seem sometimes like you are going 'backwards'. But its not the same as the uncontrolled emotional chaos that you experienced before you came to AA. Hmm lets see. One could call it a 'Controlled explosion'. Yeah I know. Perhaps not the best choice of word, but I can't think of another one.

Actually here's a phrase which probably explains it better
Going to Pieces without Falling Apart by Mark Epstein (Book)
You know I bought this book and it was a bit of a disappointment, but I LOVE the title. Perhaps if I read it now I would like it. Who knows. I think I like reading monks and nuns best. The only prior monk I like reading is Jack Kornfield.

Whatever. Its like 'Stage 2' of emotional growth,, is learning the VERY FINE balancing act of 'Neither repression or Indulgence'.
But Stage 1, is just like learning how not to HATE people. Including yourself. How not to be a MISERABLE COW and all that. Basic stuff about how to be positive instead of HORRIBLY NEGATIVE.

Whatever. That's just what I think.
Yeah Stage 1 and Stage 2. That's what I should call it from now on..
Stage 1: Steps 1-9. How to not be a Miserable COW.
Stage 2: Step 11. Learning how to "Go to Pieces without Falling Apart". The FINE art of 'Neither Repression nor Indulgence"

Cool! Sorry for thinking out loud there. Hope that makes some sense to you!
Have a GREAT Thursday!

Pride creates judgment which roadblocks emotion. But its not a free-for-all. Indulgence is no good either.

I can still find myself telling myself things that 'disallow' some sort of emotion on the basis that ? ..
It is not 'spiritual',
it is 'wrong'
I am just being 'negative'. Etc etc.
Various reasons that all amount to the same thing.
'This is WRONG, and you shouldn't be doing it'

This is what I call 'Judgment'. Or a value judgment.
When I say ANYTHING is RIGHT or WRONG I am essentially making a JUDGEMENT.
For me I first learned about judgment in step 4 and 5. The way I was shown how to do step 4 and 5 meant that I learned that Pride was the defect of character that made judgment possible. I'm not going to explain step 4 here, as that would take too long, but I'll explain how my understanding of that relates to my emotional life.

In order to get round this ? Booby trap'. I think a lot of it comes from being able to suspend judgment. I first learned it in step 4 when I learned how to identify and take stock of my pride. As for me pride is the root of judgment. Its not like a magic wand, but basically I am to 'practice these principles in ALL my affairs". So that means it applies to my emotional life too. All I know is I have to 'practice' suspending my judgment (stemming from pride) to my emotional affairs. Basically not find fault with them. If I do that I can feel emotions guiltlessly.

Fear is the wrong word but I am 'wary' of the danger of 'indulging' a negative mind states. But striking the balance between repression and indulgence is not easy. Like most things in life, the more you practice, the better you get.
To be honest, I'm not sure if you would do a very good job of this BEFORE the end of step 5, as I think you might be too ? Unstable. I think you need a bit of strength to do this. So don't try this if you are new. You will tip almost immediately into 'indulgence' and cause more harm to yourself. Best wait till you are on more solid spiritual ground, and can 'hold steady' better.

Also, it is unwise to have TOTAL faith in emotion. Sometimes emotion is pure KACK. For some reason we have this idea that all emotion is reliable. Often it is NOT. It comes from our BAGGAGE. So don't go putting emotions on a 'pillar', thinking they are always right, or 'true', or useful. Even when they ARE 'true', there can be times when they are a TOTAL LIABILTY. For instance when you step outside your comfort zone. Jeez. If we let our emotions dictate our lives at THAT point, we would never do ANYTHING. So like I say, sometimes they are total BS, other times they are true AND useful. Other times they are true but totally USELESS. Sometimes they are true but we are ''learner driver' and this vehicle is just a bit too big for us to try driving just yet.
You see? Its NOT THAT SIMPLE. Ha! Like most things in life..
Yeah, I get fed up too with the 'no shortcuts'. 'no easier softer way' thing. Jeez I would LOVE it if life were simple. BUT IT ISN'T.
Just when you think you have figured something out, along comes something ELSE which proves pretty much conclusively that you DON'T.
Ah well. Nothing wrong with being a work in progress. EVERYONE is evolving. Even the Dalai lama is evolving. (Bless im). So there's NO SHAME in it.

Challenging old ideas brings up a LOT of resistance!

Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?

For me, judgments and self-righteous complaints stem from 'old ideas' that need to be revised. I think things should be 'my way'. Which is BS!!! I can feel very compassionate, but as long as I think I am 'right', I don't really move forward. Accepting new ideas is by far the HARDEST thing for me to do. Especially the ones that are outside my comfort zone. I know its all down to fear in the end. But I HAVE to concede to my innermost self that I am WRONG and that I need to look at it a DIFFERENT way, in order to get past my judgments. Its not easy! Perhaps I am doing it all wrong, and that's why I'm not making as much progress in this area as I would like, but the desire to be RIGHT is pretty !!! Stubborn. Well I suppose I'm talking about fairly life long ideas here, so maybe that's why they are a bit stubborn!
Basically, I'm nearly always chipping away at some !!! Stubborn old belief that has outlived its usefulness.
Or perhaps I am just a bit stubborn. Gawd knows. But the desire to be right is VERY prevailing, and gets in the way of seeing reality THE WAY IT IS, instead of THE WAY I WANT IT TO BE.
As you can tell I also suffer from impatience as I would like to have my 'mind makeover' NOW!!! I have NO patience with the 'old' thinking once I have set my mind to something. Ah well. Rome wasn't built in a day..

Help is the Sunny side of Control: Are you helping or are you being a Control Freak?

I find people can 'smell a rat' at 100 paces. Meaning they can tell if I'm being a control freak yet trying to sound 'helpful'. Similarly, I can be VERY direct with people but at the same time have ABSOLUTELY no 'controlling interest', and when I do that, people seem very happy and untroubled about what I say. They can just 'sense' that it is my view, and I have no delusions that I believe I can 'make' them do anything. So basically what I'm saying is that I think it all comes down to MOTIVE, as opposed to WHAT you say exactly.

NOT being a control freak is EXTREMELY liberating as it enables MUCH freer expression of ideas. You can be much more guiltless in what you say. It doesn't work ALL the time, but then what does? but most of the time seems to go fine really.

The HARDEST people to help are those closest to you. Thankfully I understand when to not patronize people who know more than me by accidentally suggesting something. Its a very embarrassing social faux pas, to accidentally suggest stuff to people who know better. Very embarrassing! Thankfully they are always very polite and never react when I get it wrong. I wish I was like that. Oh well, you cant have ! Everything.

Integrity: DON'T follow the crowd. 'To thine own self be true'.

Conforming is EASY. It is living with integrity and authenticity that is extraordinarily difficult. So many people are on auto pilot, and don't even stop to ask themselves what they REALLY want. or what they REALLY believe to be true. I find being honest with myself one of the scariest things in the world. the answers I come up with about what is 'true' NEVER seem to gel with social norms. reality is VERY challenging! well that's what I find anyway.

A large part of being true to myself was talking inventory of my pride in the form of "what will people think of (the great) me?" in step 4. I was RIDDLED with it. Making that ego puncturing admission time after !! time, with seemingly endless resentments, made me NEVER want to think like that again. Now I REALLY notice when I find myself thinking that, and I cannot entertain its legitimacy. Step 4 (for me anyway) really 'put the boot in' to my defects of character. Just made it REALLY difficult to take the thinking the defects provoked with ANY seriousness whatsoever. So I think that's helped me disregard what other people think I 'ought' to be doing.

Really, its nobody's business but MINE what I am doing, just like its none of MY business, what everyone ELSE is doing.

Are you hoping that one day everything will be fine and you'll enjoy everything?

"You can enjoy everything, nothing is too small or large to enjoy.
You should learn to enjoy, in all aspects of your life.

Tell me one thing in the day you look forward to."

Reading Syd's post about the joy that comes from little things reminded me of something someone told me, who has an AMAZING capacity to enjoy life.
I don't know about you, but it really made me think.

The first thing that they said was the bit in the heading.
Then when they suggested actually thinking about what I look forward to in the day, I was really surprised at the answers that came into my head. I suppose they were little overlooked pleasures and moments of beauty that for some reason I just completely took for granted.
I still find it a fascinating way to direct my attention.

Another way of phhrasing it could be
Notice what you enjoy today.

For instance, when I ask myself this question am ! surprised at the answers.
For instance.
Being interested in the political evolution of the European union.
Learning new things.
Burying myself in piles of books in the British library.
Being showered with little pink blossom petals in a sunny afternoon on my way someplace.
Blossom on the trees.
Running with my ipod through crowded city streets.
My cat. Because she is so cute.
Black filter coffee from the Algerian coffee store.
The smell of the beans when I open the airtight container I put them in.
Vidal sassoon hair colour.
The earthy smell of foliage in warm summery evenings.
The great court and the reading room in the British museum.
Feeling mentally alert.
Tea and toast.
Radio 4.
Generosity of time and expertise from other aa's.
Aa's who do their best to encourage, inform and support me when I don't understand something.
Coffee after the meetings.
Being a non-verbal reassuring presence for weepy newcomers in meetings.
Helping newcomers. Feeling useful.
Seeing sponsees start sponsoring others.
Thinking of my mentors, and the people I love and admire.
Peaceful silence.
A Sponsee telling me they have been dancing till 5am.
Cobalt blue.
The moon.
Thinking about sea air.
Looking at a picture of the beach and thinking about what it feels like to be there.
Bright spring quality of light.
The pub with no beer.
Great quotes.
Getting comments on my blog from passing visitors.
Knowing aa's that live locallly to me.
That the centre of London feels like my 'front garden' or ''front porch'.

Well anyway, there are a lot of things on that list that I did not expect to see there. It surprises me what they are.
So anyway, what I'm saying is that it is fascinating journey to notice all the little pleasures that pass our way in the course of a 24 hours.
Its sort of like a gratitude list but different . The focus is not gratitude as such. Just
What do you enjoy?
Or
Name one thing in the day that you look forward to?

And then, working on the principle that " You can enjoy everything, nothing is too small or large to enjoy."
REALLY taking a second look at things and finding how that applies to all the things I do every day. When I do that, its TRUE. I CAN find joy in just about everything. Its WEIRD. Ah well. See for yourself.

Well I find it very interesting.
Right I'm off. Have a GREAT Monday!