Emanate goodwill instead of emanating ill will

I always think motive is far more important than the words themselves. I feel my way rather than thinking my way. If when I look inside I can see condemning, presupposed judgements or accusatory tendencies, I know through previous experience that I am starting on the wrong foot, and that I should withdraw from expressing myself at that time until I feel as though I am coming from a more neutral place.
Basically if my attitude is negative I am not likely to have much success. I will probably wind them up. The only way I know how to speak in a way which doesn't cause more problems is to be genuinely goodhearted. I don't always start out that way but that doesn't matter. In other words it's not what comes into your head that matters, it's what you do with it that counts. So a lily-white psyche is not required to say the right thing. All that's really needed is a desire to do the right thing no matter what your head or emotions tell you.
I try as hard as I can to give other people the benefit of the doubt, especially when I have become convinced that they are a bit rubbish or irritating. If I am having a particularly negative perception of them, then chances are I have completely lost all objectivity and I am just stewing on some deluded resentment or other. I suppose what I'm saying is that if there is some unconscious reactivity bubbling around under the surface, that very little can be achieved by windowdressing, i.e. faking pleasantries when there is some internal tension going on. My experience is that it's much better to confront the negative attitude head on and make a sincere effort to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. This is much easier if you have learned that your head very rarely tells you the truth, and emotions lie. I have reached a point where I don't trust my thoughts or my feelings, so this makes being open-minded in such situations much easier.
By the way this doesn't mean that I deliberately hang around in abusive conversations, it just means that when I sense negativity internally, I would rather address my judgement and accusatory tendencies than try to be pleasant through gritted teeth and fail miserably. I'm also surprised at how quickly one can genuinely alter one's internal landscape if you're used to questioning your thoughts and feelings instead of accepting them on face value. Many years of practising restraint of tongue and pen mean that I'm able to keep my mouth shut, and make a conscious effort to become open-minded about that person, instead of deciding in advance that they must be irritating or wrong in some way before I clarify the issue that I am concerned about.
I just thought I'd mention that because it came up in conversation recently.

I suppose what I'm saying is that your private thoughts and emotions about other people aren't really as private as you think. People actually know you much better than you realise. If you have a negative attitude towards them, even if you don't say anything explicit or express to that effect, they will know on some level. If you get used to the idea that everybody can see through you then there is a much stronger motivation to clean up your internal, privately held attitudes and beliefs about people places and things. I am much more motivated to be pure hearted towards other people because I know how easy it is to see through people, and I also know that people react extremely badly to negative attitudes when they are slightly disturbed to begin with. So it makes sense to clean up one's internal environment, rather than paper over the cracks with phoney pleasantries that actually don't fool anyone.

In AA we call this having a good bullshit detector, but really on some level children, pets, your co-workers and everyone really are able to pick up on your negative attitude and will react accordingly because most people are highly reactive. So you save yourself a lot of grief if you make a real effort to come from a goodhearted place, (despite habitual negativity) and emanate goodwill towards them instead of emanating ill-will towards them.

Anyway it's a rather uninspired grey lifeless and rather cold day over here. I'm going to have some tea and get to the gym and that might get the blood circulating. I hope your Tuesday is a little bit more interesting than this one is looking so far :)

Motive: It's not what you say. It's where you're coming from.

Hello there. Thanks for your kind comments and well wishes re study grief :) I feel a LOT !! less stressed about my crazy ol study schedule as I think I have FINALLY stumbled across a method of processing the workflow that matches the content and requirements. Phew. A method that seems to work :)
Takes me a while but I figure it out in the end. Now all I need to do is apply the strategy to all the work I have bumbled around doing so far.. Oh well. Better late than never. I had a nice little routine worked out last year which matched the requirements very nicely, but this material is much more scattered and hard to keep track of. I use my computer a LOT when I study so nearly all my work is done reading on the puter. Very little actual reading of Books. But hey. There you go. There is some catching up to do which is a bit scary, but I hope I can catch up fairly easily.

Anyway. About the heading. "It's not what you say. It's where you're coming from"

I really think that it doesn't really matter what you say, but it matters MUCH more WHY you are saying it.
Ie. What is your MOTIVE for saying that?
Ie. What is your MOTIVE for doing that?
I have found that IF YOU MEAN WELL AND YOU HAVE NOTHING BUT A SINCERE DESIRE TO HELP,

"he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful"
(p18, AA Big Book)

as opposed to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED about 'what's in it for me?' when you are engaging with others, that life is INFINITELY simpler. You can make stupid errors of judgment and get it wrong, and others sense that its 'ok' because your heart is in the right place.
That's not a license to be kack-handed and heedless BTW. No. what I mean is your inevitable errors will not be taken badly by the other. But if you are just too lazy to pay attention to what you are saying, then I'm not sure this will get you off the hook :)

Btw when I say " your heart is in the right place." I mean there is NO ATTACHMENT TO ANY OUTCOME. Or as the buddhists would say .'No clinging'
Ie
you are not being a control freak
you are not trying to score points
you are not trying to wangle a friendship
you are not trying to be 'a better aa member'
you are not trying to become enlightened
you are not trying to 'do good'
you are not trying to 'get rid of your anger'

No. you are just doing what you do (being kind or nice to people) BECAUSE THAT S WHAT YOU DO. Because experience has shown you that it fosters wholesome mind states which make it easier to approach the problems life throws at you with equanimity. Or as the aa's call it 'acceptance'.

So you see. Theres no self centred/ self obsessed motive for being NICE
You just do it because the book tells you you should, and experience suggests that this approach helps you practice the principles in all your affairs.

So. Next time you hate someone
Are pissed off with someone
Are jealous of someone
Are really irritated by someone
Feel contempt for someone
Secretly hate that persons mannerisms. Or their laugh.
Hate the way they speak
Feel repulsed by them
Feel outraged by how un-spiritual' they are
Get hugely irritated by how drippy and overly-spiritual they are
Hate them because of the WRONG way they are working their programme..

Stop trying to be nice, because it doesn't work. They can tell you hate them. Really.
So go away and really ask yourself
WHAT IS MY MOTIVE FOR TALKING TO THIS PERSON?
AM I TRYING TO HELP?
WHAT EXACTLY AM I TRYING TO ACHIEVE BY TALKING TO THEM?

BE HONEST
You cant bullshit a bullshitter.

Don't think they don't know you hate em. They do.
So you would do more good if you go away and try to speak to them later WHEN YOU HAVE CALMED DOWN AND YOU ARE COMING FROM A BETTER PLACE.
Don't just say nice stuff through gritted teeth. Trust me, they KNOW how you feel.

Al I know is that my life turns to CRAP if my motive is OFF
So I check my motive if I think I am on thin ice, or coming up to a difficult bend in the road.
My motive is my protection. Provided I am willing to pay attention and go to any lengths to practice these principles in all my affairs.

That's why the first 100 members whisper in your ear on page 102..
“Keep on the firing line of life with these motives and God will keep you unharmed.”
(p102, AA Big Book)

See? WILL, not might. There's a BIG difference.
Its never !!!! let me down yet. Nor other old timers I knew from waaaay back when I was new.
My fave old timer used to say (bless im)

"Feeling without action is sentimentality
Action without feeling is an empty gesture"

"Service is gratitude in Action"

So yeah. Get yourself a REALLY NICE motive, and let that motive 'abide' in you when you connect with those difficult people. REALLY hang on to the motive. Nomatter HOW much they annoy you. :)

And sit back and watch the miracles happen :) hehe
Trust me. ITS ALL ABOUT THE MOTIVE
A self centered motive turns your world to CRAP
A SELF FORGETTING motive makes the world a magical place, nomatter what is happening.

So yeah. That's my experience anyway. So go out there motive-shopping and find yourself a shiny new one to practice on your guinea-pig friends. :)

BTW this is a very PRIVATE exercise
NOBODY REALLY knows what your motive is except YOU
It is INVISIBLE to the naked eye
It will NOT be evidenced by certain words or actions
It is INSIDE
It is about WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM
Its about WHAT YOU REALLY FEEL INSIDE. Do you wish them well? Do you want them to find their still centre while the world spins? Do you want them to understand that they are LOVED? That they are OK? Do you want their suffering to end? Can you empathise with their excuses and habitual negativity? Do you want them to die sober? ..thankful of the connections they made while they were alive?
THESE are the thoughts I cultivate when I want to engender a good motive.

And that's why it is such a PRIVATE and INTERIOR matter
You are looking at your INTERIOR LANDSCAPE. Nothing more.
Not really at the words
Not really at the actions. Although that doesn't mean 'be heedless'
Just keep the PRIMARY focus on WHERE YOU ARE INSIDE
Contempt? Bitterness? Tightness? Irritabilty? Jugement?
Or A SINCERE DESIRE TO HELP

"he has no attitude of Holier Than Thou, nothing whatever except the sincere desire to be helpful"
(p18, AA Big Book)

Focus just on the interior landscape. Do you mean well? Or are you trying to punish with indifference or in a passive aggressive way by sounding like you don't really care? 'yeh whatevea'

So go on. Give it a whirl and tell me what happens :)
The tricky bit is 'holding your centre' when buffeted by outward 'unpleasant' words or behaviors.
Another nice thing is that THE ONLY PERSON WHO KNOWS HOW PROFICIENT YOU ARE AT THIS IS !!! YOU
This is a much more PRIVATE and UNKNOWN aspect of service than making the tea' or 'setting up the meeting' (Not that there's anything wrong with making the tea..)
I like it because it is 'secret' and only I !!! know when I am doing it hehe
Plus I love watching the effect it has on people :)

So there you go. Try it. I love it. You will LOVE the effects :( its very cool. In my opinion. Plus the first 100 member seems to rate the idea too ;) and they have yet to give me a bum steer :)
Right well Im off to do some study prep. Have yourselves a fabulous Wednesday :)

Hidden Motives: When Genuine DESPAIR is also a form of ATTACK

I just LOVE this book. They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life by Oliver James
Us ladies are VERY good at being ANGRY in more 'covert' ways. We don't want to be seen throwing punches, or yelling at people in the street, so we employ SNEAKY ways of expressing HOSTILTY.
We are SO good, we don't even know OURSELVES that we are being angry after a while..
(Yeah I know some women are more dis-inhibited with 'out-and-out' anger, but this is for the ones that sneak anger in the back door. So to speak.)
Anyway here's the quote:

"Our despair is GENUINE
But is is ALSO a means of expressing HOSTILITY
A COVERT way of FRUSTRATING and RETALIATING.

ANGERED by the failure of others TO NUTURE US

We use MOODS and threats, to 'GET BACK' and ''teach a lesson'
By exaggerating our plight, and acting in a miserable fashion
We AVIOD RESPONSIBILITIES
And place ADDED BURDENS on others.
Cold and stubborn silences are PUNITIVE BLACKMAIL, a THREAT of trouble to come."
P206 They F*** you up by Oliver James.

Ouch!
I kind of knew moods were a way of being angry, but I think he has captured this trait REALLY well in this passage.
Particularly the despair and the nurture part.
I tend to view despair as something that hurts the owner more than anything. And if I am experiencing despair, I am too self absorbed to see the impact it is having on others. Even if the mood is not 'acted out' as such.
I LOVE this passage. Good old Oliver. Perhaps men have a better view of the way us women are covertly angry. Who knows. But I LOVE this observation.
I just LOVE finding hidden anger and attack.
See I don't do the more obvious moods or sulks as such. Nothing that you would notice externally anyway. I'm from the more repressed end of the spectrum. But I hadn't seen the way the feeling of despair could have a sneaky more unconscious agenda to punish, that's all.
Yeah I know some women do very OVERT moods and sulks. Door slamming. Plate throwing. Obvious tantrums and what have you. Those are EASY to spot. It is the SUBTLE stuff that sneaks in under the radar that bugs me. So there you go.

So just for the sake of clarity. If we were all really good at EGO PUNCTURING HONESTY.
Instead of 'doing' despair in this way.
We could say:
"Yes right now, it WOULD be true to say I am feeling some despair.
But in addition to that, I can see there is (quite a strong) temptation to use that mood as a way of punishing you. Classic GUILT TRIP material really..
You see the truth is, that I AM angered by (what **I** see) as your FAILURE to NUTURE me.
But rather than say that OUT LOUD, (because lets face it, it sounds a bit naff and petulant.)
Its 'easier' (Ha!..NOT!) to flail about, feeling sorry for myself, and wallow in a sense of hopelessness, (because I KNOW that will make you feel BAD) rather than deal with this problem face on. Or GOD FORBID
ACTUALLY HAVE THE GUTS TO ASK FOR THE THING (whatever it is) THAT I THINK (?) I NEED RIGHT NOW, that you APPEAR to not be giving me.
You know WHY I don't ask?

Well firstly, because I probably don't even know MYSELF what it is!!.
Why? Because I am FAR better at thinking about what I DON'T want instead of what I DO want.
When I'm in one of these moods, I'm more interested in PUNISHING you, than ACTUALLY SORTING OUT MY PROBLEM.

And secondly, because I HATE thinking of myself as NEEDY. Which is what I essentially AM, when I'm in one of these moods. Its quite a VULNERABLE place, and I don't like being VULNERABLE and EXPOSED like this. Its too ego puncturing!

Thirdly. Actually SEEING what I DO require to feel 'nurtured' is VERY, VERY ego puncturing. It makes me see my own HUMANITY. And I don't want to be human.
I want to be INVULNERABLE!
To rise above everything!
To feel FINE all the time! (ie not FEEL vulnerable EVER again.)
And even WORSE. Let YOU see me being VULNERABLE. Ouch!
These messy, squishy emotions are EMBARRASING to my ego, and reduce me (in my UNFORGIVING eyes) to the level of a pathetic blob. Basically I HATE admitting my weaknesses and BASIC HUMANITY. Even to myself. Yeah the alcoholic ego does NOT like that ONE BIT!

So that's why I throw a mood. And do the 'despair' trip.
Keeps me in the PROBLEM, not the SOLUTION.
Which I can see is not really ! helping. To say the least.
So yeah, there is some genuine despair going on, and I'm not ashamed of that.
But this time I am NOT going to use it as a CLUB to BEAT you over the head with. (Which you will be glad to hear!).
I will EVEN, go so far, as to actually sit down and think about EXACTLY what version of 'nurturing' I had the GALL to harbor an EXPECTATION of receiving.
And once I have FIGURED OUT WHAT IT IS,
I might very well POLITIELY ASK YOU for that thing.
ONLY THIS TIME, I will NOT harbor a GRUDGE or an EXPECTATION that you are BOUND to oblige me in this request.
Hey I am not running the show here.
I am not the 'manager'.
This is a two way street, and I can ask, but that DOESN'T guarantee that I will 'get'.
But at LEAST I will have the GUTS to ask.
Instead of simply ALLOWING the "All is lost' and 'What's the point?' THINKING, and the feelings of despair and overwhelm that INEVITABLY accompany that.
Even if ASPECTS of those despairing feelings are genuine.

Heheh.
Im not saying you SHOULD say this, but I just thought it would be fun to articulate a more ego puncturing admission of what is going on, behind the scenes, so to speak, that Oliver James describes in that passage.
I like YANKING the dodgy thought processes into the light, for scrutiny.
The 'cure' for everything is HONESTY. Well that's what I think, so a bit of brutal truth-telling seems to pave the way for change. Well that's what I find. The truth seems to make the disease shrink back into the cracks in the ether from whence it came. Seems to banish shadows. Honesty is like a flashlight. I call it 'cleaning under the cooker'. Bleh!! No one LIKES cleaning under the cooker! Have you SEEN what's under there? Its GROSS!
But if you do get stuck in and face the ! Yukky ! Stuff down there, a burden is lifted, and we feel better.

Phew! Why cant I write SHORTER posts??
See then I wouldn't have so many half finished ones!!
Hey have a FABULOUS Thursday y'all..

The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether'

Chapel in Lincolns Inn, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

This really relates to the previous post called American Beauty: "But it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world".
Do you notice that when you watch that clip from yesterdays post about the movie American Beauty,, that it ? 'connects' you to another ? 'transcendent', 'ethereal' mind state?

Sometimes I call it being a 'space cadet'.
Sometimes I call it being 'tuned in'.
Sometimes I call it 'transcendent'
It feels a little ? 'ethereal', high or spaced out..
Like the veil between this world and ? Another world gets just a little bit thinner. Feels weird, but in a GOOD way.

Well that's what life is like when your MOTIVE is to be of MAXIMUM HELPFULNESS, and your life is about SERVICE. That is the ? 'magic fairy dust' I was talking about* that comes into existence when we think of what we can do for others, and go out of our way to REALLY help newcomers. Its VERY cool.
But I use this term a LOT (One foot in the 'World', one foot in the 'Ether') to describe what it feels like to be 'living along spiritual lines.'
Its ADDICTIVE once you get a 'taste' 'of it. Feels thoroughly blissful. I can highly recommend it!!

And what do you have to do to get this thing?
Well, my theory is
Constant thought of others in the form of a MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM HELPFULNESS, 'in ALL your affairs'.

There is a LOT to this and I am in the process of TRYING to commit it to posts, but haven't finished it. Its the best part of my programme, and one of the most laborious to explain. Ah well. I will get it done at some point.
Anyway. Have yourselves a DANG good Tuesday!

*See post called "Magic Fairy Dust: Constant Thought of others, combined with MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness"

Magic Fairy Dust: Constant Thought of others, combined with MOTIVE to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness

Relevant Big Book quotes are:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others. p102 Big Book.
"OUR VERY LIVES, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs. p20 Big Book.
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead. p14 Big Book.
"How can I BEST SERVE Thee-Thy will (not mine) be done.” These are thoughts which must go with us CONSTANTLY." p85 Big Book.
"Then we resolutely TURN OUR THOUGHTS TO SOMEONE WE CAN HELP." p84 Big Book.
" Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed". p102 Big Book.

If you PRACTICE 'constant thought of others' plus, MOTIVE of maximum helpfulness, in your BRAIN. (Which is actually not NEARLY as difficult as it sounds), it FEELS like MAGIC FAIRY DUST is EVERYWHERE. Wel I find that to be the case anyway, and so do other people when they do the same thing. So there you go.
How cool is that!!!!

Whatever Its quite difficult to explain how to actually PRACTCE 'constant thought of others' combined with 'maximum helpfulness' MOTIVE, so I'm not going to do that just here. Suffice to say I will provide you with a recent case history that shows how POWERFUL this PRACTICE is.
I've seen it work its MAGIC, MANY times over the years, but this one is recent and fresh in my mind so I will share a bit of it.

Basically, I !! Bullied a AA lady I met recently into re evaluating the way she was doing the programme lately, and she is STUNNED by how DIFFERENT she feels in such a short time. The effect is INSTANT really, if I'm honest. But she said the same herself, AT THE TIME I EXPLAINED THIS TO HER FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME.
Weirdly enough, just HAVING THE INFORMATION as to how to practice 'constant thought of others' is ENOUGH to IMMEDIATELY ALTER YOUR MIND STATE. Cool!
That's why 'The Six Things' are SO powerful. And the cool thing is, you can do it from the VERY BEGINNING of your sobriety!! Right from the week of meetings. That's what's so great about 'The Six Things'. ANYONE can do them.

I was saying to her. "Can you see?, that when you do this stuff, it feels like 'Magic Fairy Dust' all the time or something? And she said ..'yeah..."
I said, "Well it STAYS like that, if you keep your thoughts kind of 'pointing in that direction', (The direction being, 'What can I do for others', 'What's the MOST I can contribute here?' etc etc)
Cool!! I am GLAD I 'confronted' her on her old approach. I ! Didn't like it much at the time!! But it was worth it. But then 'going to any lengths' "to give it away to keep it' ALWAYS is. Provided you MOTIVE is good that is..

Yeah I know I sound like a bit of a freak here, but you just have to bear with me on this one. I've seen it happen so many times now, that I kind of take it for granted.
Yes I PROMISE I will TRY to do a post explaining EXACTLY how I tell people to 'do' constant thought of others', but that will be a bit of work. So later! Trust me, Its quite a bit of work to explain it! Normally I do it verbally.

NONE of us will be able to say, 'oh yeah, you know I just don't have negative thoughts or behaviors', but what we CAN do is become REALLY good at getting on top of hem when they show up, and creating a mind state which is pretty DAMM !! Impenetrable to negative s**t. Good karma, or what I like to call 'constant thought of others' creates a FORTRESS of good energy around you, which protects you and insulates you from the 'slings and arrows of outrageous fortune' LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.
I love it. You can get sort of 'high' on it actually. Whatever. That's another post really.

A strange 'dual' mind space shared by myself and my Sponsees. (And their Sponsees)

I still can have very unpleasant reactions to people but at some level, NO MATTER HOW PISSED OFF I AM, or how offensive their behavior is, I sort of KNOW that I will see it differently later, and that I have no right to judge another human being. It's quite cool really. It can feel as if two parallel mind states are existing simultaneously. One, heated and emotional. Another, very calm and wise, sort of observing everything that unfolds. I checked with my Sponsees (And their Sponsees) to see if they experience the same kind of mental state, and they said they did too. So it's nice to know that I have succeeded in passing on that faculty, via the steps. Meaning it's not unique to me or dependent upon anything other than the way we went through the steps. It never ceases to amaze me what can be 'passed down' to other people.

I mention this so that you know that if you are going through the Steps with one of my Sponsees, that there is a STRONG likelihood that you will also inherit this mind space. (Usually sometime between step 5 and 9) Provided you are following the suggestions given to you!! Not just in outward appearance, but in MOTIVATION also.
Based on the little research I have done in AA, I have found that this mind state is NOT a common experience. I could be proved wrong, but that is what I have found so far.
It might sound a bit crap (So what? sort of thing) to someone who is new, but, speaking as someone with long term sobriety, I can tell you I REALLY value this faculty of the mind. It provides an opportunity to lend calm objectivity to an otherwise heated and unreasonable mind set. I am EXTREMELY grateful for this ability. And it makes me VERY happy to have found out (via my obedient guinea-pig Sponsees) that it is so transferable! So thank you for providing me with that information!

Anyway, I need to study!!!!!