Pride creates judgment which roadblocks emotion. But its not a free-for-all. Indulgence is no good either.

I can still find myself telling myself things that 'disallow' some sort of emotion on the basis that ? ..
It is not 'spiritual',
it is 'wrong'
I am just being 'negative'. Etc etc.
Various reasons that all amount to the same thing.
'This is WRONG, and you shouldn't be doing it'

This is what I call 'Judgment'. Or a value judgment.
When I say ANYTHING is RIGHT or WRONG I am essentially making a JUDGEMENT.
For me I first learned about judgment in step 4 and 5. The way I was shown how to do step 4 and 5 meant that I learned that Pride was the defect of character that made judgment possible. I'm not going to explain step 4 here, as that would take too long, but I'll explain how my understanding of that relates to my emotional life.

In order to get round this ? Booby trap'. I think a lot of it comes from being able to suspend judgment. I first learned it in step 4 when I learned how to identify and take stock of my pride. As for me pride is the root of judgment. Its not like a magic wand, but basically I am to 'practice these principles in ALL my affairs". So that means it applies to my emotional life too. All I know is I have to 'practice' suspending my judgment (stemming from pride) to my emotional affairs. Basically not find fault with them. If I do that I can feel emotions guiltlessly.

Fear is the wrong word but I am 'wary' of the danger of 'indulging' a negative mind states. But striking the balance between repression and indulgence is not easy. Like most things in life, the more you practice, the better you get.
To be honest, I'm not sure if you would do a very good job of this BEFORE the end of step 5, as I think you might be too ? Unstable. I think you need a bit of strength to do this. So don't try this if you are new. You will tip almost immediately into 'indulgence' and cause more harm to yourself. Best wait till you are on more solid spiritual ground, and can 'hold steady' better.

Also, it is unwise to have TOTAL faith in emotion. Sometimes emotion is pure KACK. For some reason we have this idea that all emotion is reliable. Often it is NOT. It comes from our BAGGAGE. So don't go putting emotions on a 'pillar', thinking they are always right, or 'true', or useful. Even when they ARE 'true', there can be times when they are a TOTAL LIABILTY. For instance when you step outside your comfort zone. Jeez. If we let our emotions dictate our lives at THAT point, we would never do ANYTHING. So like I say, sometimes they are total BS, other times they are true AND useful. Other times they are true but totally USELESS. Sometimes they are true but we are ''learner driver' and this vehicle is just a bit too big for us to try driving just yet.
You see? Its NOT THAT SIMPLE. Ha! Like most things in life..
Yeah, I get fed up too with the 'no shortcuts'. 'no easier softer way' thing. Jeez I would LOVE it if life were simple. BUT IT ISN'T.
Just when you think you have figured something out, along comes something ELSE which proves pretty much conclusively that you DON'T.
Ah well. Nothing wrong with being a work in progress. EVERYONE is evolving. Even the Dalai lama is evolving. (Bless im). So there's NO SHAME in it.

Being 'well' up's the stakes in terms of what 'looks good' in potential relationships

You know its perfectly normal to want to be in a relationship. If it's any consolation, a whole new world of possibilities opens up (if you make good use of your recovery) with regards to forming relationships. What I mean is that the more 'well' we are, the better we are at identifying and attracting the other 'well' people. Yeah of course we can all still get it horribly wrong, because we are not mind readers and terribly human. But by and large we are just better at sensing who is well and who is ! nuts.

But the bottom line is that it happens in gods time, not ours. 99.99% of alcoholics secretly believe they deserve ! crap, (crumbs on the table) even if they have a boatload of bravado in an attempt to cover that up.

So just be reassured that your expectations are probably VERY LOW. I don't mean that in a bad way, its just how CAN you want GOOD things if all you know is 'bad mental habits' about life such as ? Cynicism, negativity, self pity outlook, defeating attitudes, resentment in all its forms. I don't mean you are FULL of those things. I just mean you haven't learned to be AWARE of all those things.

That's what 'taking stock' is in step 4. Once you SEE these defeating outlooks in MUCH greater clarity in step 4, it's VERY hard to not notice them in others too. You notice it like you you'd notice bad breath in others. What I mean is that its MUCH more obvious where people are coming from. Not entirely. But you just get better at it. the upshot is, the stakes are 'raised' in terms of what you are looking for in people. Again the extent to which that happens depend on the extent to which you learn to identify your OWN weaknesses. Those character defects are worth getting to know!

You just have to TRUST that your higher power is not a DOPE and knows what they are doing in this respect, if for whatever reason you find you are not in a relationship at the time.

Besides, it's a 'grass is always greener thing' on both sides--single people want to be married, and married people want to be single. I think the mind is just very good at NOT noticing the PLUS side of the situation we are in, and finds reasons to be miserable based on what other people are doing. Good old envy! A VERY lopsided and INCOMPLETE view if ever there was one! And a recipe for PERMANENT dissatisfaction! Lovely!

Control Freak: Being Self Centered and The Actor running the Show

"It was very simple. When I didn't get my OWN WAY, I took a RESENTMENT"
(My favorite old timers way of explaining Self Centeredness)

Not getting your OWN WAY, is a mini-lesson in the grand old art of SELF CENTREDNESS. Or 'being a CONTROL FREAK' for short.
Lovely eh? These things are just not even REMOTELY flattering. There's nothing 'cool' about being a control freak is there? Bleh!
Don't worry. It gets easier! It looks pretty ugly at the beginning when all you see is ONE flaw, then ANOTHER. Yuk!

In 'AA speak' we call being a control freak 'running the show' or 'the actor running the show' p60

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his OWN WAY.
If his arrangements would ONLY stay put, if only people would do as HE WISHED, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right.

Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, HE IS SURE OTHER PEOPLE ARE MORE TO BLAME. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a SELF-SEEKER?

Our actor is SELF-CENTERED.
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."

Self centeredness therefore, (in my opinion) is a VITAL character defect to identify in ANY step 4. God help you if you FAIL to identify the part it played in ALL of your resentments! Its such a BIG part of resentment.
Anyway. That's why they say 'let go and let god'. Because that means pretty much being the OPPOSITE of a control freak.
Self centeredness is 'standard issue' stuff. We are SICK people getting well, NOT bad people getting good, and all that..
It DOES get better! Thank god!

FRUSTRATION is a classic Self centered position also, as the discomfort always stems from a DESIRED OUTCOME which has not arisen. Getting our OWN WAY means the same 'thing' as a 'desired outcome'. Frustration is when that desired outcome is felt very strongly and therefore its 'absence' is felt very strongly too.

Recognizing (Self Centered) Fear in its unflattering forms! It's not pretty!

In order to benefit from the vast pool of wisdom that is available to you in AA, and therefore learn the MOST you can about recovery, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO IDENTIFY WHO HAS SUCCEEDED IN KEEPING MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF THIS KILLER ILLNESS (such as Self Centered Fear) IN REMISSION, AND TO WHAT EXTENT. A little? A lot? (Self Centered) Fear is a SYMPTOM of alcoholism, which is a nasty, degrading, humiliating, killer illness. It's is a MASSIVE chunk of this illness. So its WELL worth learning to recognize.

For me I see (Self Centered) Fear as characterized mainly by an NEUROTIC, INTENSE, ENERGISED state. It looks 'jumpy'. The more twitchy and energized a person looks, the more I assume (Self Centered) Fear is eating them up inside, and the more unchecked their belief is, that everyone is out to get them!

More dramatic manifestations:
Neurotic. Panic Attacks. Agoraphobia. Obsessive compulsive disorder. Superstitious. Nightmares. Disturbed sleep. Insomnia. Early morning insomnia.
'The horrors'. Meaning you 'see' horrific trains of events played out in your mind (like a video) during the day. For example getting on the train and graphically imagining a bomb going off under your seat.

Less dramatic, (but equally unpleasant) manifestations:
Worry. Circular thinking. 'Busy' head. Doom and gloom. Pessimism. Anticipating disaster. Living emotionally in the future. Fragmented scattered mind. Inability to concentrate. Mind wanders off constantly, AWAY from the present moment.

Wary of others. Wary of anything. Twitchy. Jumpy. Can't settle. Can't tolerate silences in conversation, so nervously fills in gaps. Fidgety. Biting nails. Nervously strumming fingers on desk. Nervous-ness. Biting lip. Looking around you and behind you. Afraid of the dark. Afraid of being mugged. Afraid of anything.

Intense. Uptight. Control freak. Addicted to strict regimes. Unable to tolerate any chaos, or leeway.

Shrill. Strained. Keyed up. Wired. Speedy. Brisk, dismissive, Restless. Animated. Talks too fast. Hamster in the wheel busyness. Running on nervous energy.

Starey eyes. Nervous smile. Permanent smile. Fixed grin. Fixed eye contact. Nervous laugh. Strained politeness. Phony. Fake. Ingratiating. Too 'nice'. Insincere. Insecure.
Spineless. Doormat. Martyr. Wimp. Pansies. Never disagrees with anyone.

Uncomfortable. NOT comfortable in their own skin. NOT wearing life like a loose garment. Not calm. Not easy going.

Persecution complex. CONVINCED everything that goes wrong is a deliberate attack on you. Defensiveness: You respond to others angrily on the assumption that their careless remark was DELIBERATE. Why? Because you think everyone is out to get you! When someone laughs, you are convinced they must have been laughing at you!

Absence of things. Such as: Not able to be in the present moment.

Ideally, Step 4 is where you get to identify where (Self Centered) Fear has poisoned your wellbeing, (in the form of resentment). And a list of phobic fears. But until then, you still stand to benefit from recognizing degrees of manifestation of (Self Centered) Fear both in yourselves and others. It will help you find the people who really have recovered from their (Self Centered) Fear. They are the people who can teach you how to remove your own. Not unfortunately, the people whose (Self Centered) Fear is still running the show.
(Self Centered) Fear is incredibly painful, so if you do learn how to reduce or diminish your own you will have a very valuable skill to offer 'the alcoholic who still suffers'.

We ALL have fearful tendencies. We will NEVER be perfectly free of it. But we CAN go to to ANY LENGTHS to not indulge our fearful behaviors or attitudes, or alternatively, to ACT AS IF we are full of FAITH. (but describing faith is a whole other story!) So there is always something we can do to improve our lot. The less your (Self Centered) Fear is running riot, the more peace of mind you will have! So there is a strong incentive to reduce our levels of (Self Centered) Fear to an ABSOLUTE MIMIMUM.

Fear does have its uses! But I prefer to use PRUDENCE, rather than unbridled terror to direct my actions throughout the day, and keep me safe!!!
Bill W describes Prudence as 'rational concern, without worry'.

Recognizing Self Pity in its unflattering forms! It's not pretty!

In order to benefit from the vast pool of wisdom that is available to you in AA, and therefore learn the MOST you can about recovery, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO IDENTIFY WHO HAS SUCCEEDED IN KEEPING MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF THIS KILLER ILLNESS (such as Self Pity) IN REMISSION, AND TO WHAT EXTENT. A little? A lot? Self Pity is a SYMPTOM of alcoholism, which is a nasty, degrading, humiliating, killer illness. It's is a MASSIVE chunk of this illness. So its WELL worth learning to recognize.

For me I see Self Pity as characterized mainly by a DRAINED, APATHETIC, ENERGY-LESS state. It looks 'tired'. The more energy-less a person looks, the more I assume self pity is eating them up inside, and the more unchecked their belief is, that the glass IS half empty.

Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink. Complaining. Whingeing. Moaning. Hard done by.
Taking things for granted. Eg: I Complained because I Had No Shoes, until I met someone who had no feet. Believing the glass is half empty. Not half full.

Victim Mentality. Sympathy. Persecution complex

Apathy. Defeatism. What's the point? Drained. Weary. Energy-less. Lackluster. Heavy sigh. Everything is such an effort!

World weary. World weighs heavy on their shoulders. Sad smile. Sad.

Absence of things. Such as: No enthusiasm. No passion. No gratitude.

Ideally, Step 4 is where you get to identify where Self Pity has poisoned your wellbeing, (in the form of resentment). But until then, you still stand to benefit from recognizing degrees of manifestation of Self Pity both in yourselves and others. It will help you find the people who really have recovered from their Self Pity. They are the people who can teach you how to remove your own. Not unfortunately, the people whose Self Pity is still running the show.
Self Pity is incredibly painful, so if you do learn how to reduce or diminish your own you will have a very valuable skill to offer 'the alcoholic who still suffers'.

We ALL have Self Pitying tendencies. We will NEVER be perfectly free of it. But we CAN go to to ANY LENGTHS to not indulge our Self Pitying behaviors or attitudes, or alternatively, to ACT AS IF we are full of gratitude. (but describing gratitude is a whole other story!) So there is always something we can do to improve our lot. The less your Self Pity is running riot, the more peace of mind you will have! So there is a strong incentive to reduce our levels of Self Pity to an ABSOLUTE MIMIMUM.

Recognizing Pride in its unflattering forms! Its not pretty!

Pride is all about imbalances of the ego.
In the Spiritual world the ego is RUBBISH. The aim is to have NO ego. Ideally no self. The reason ego is such a skewed perception of reality is because THERE IS NO SELF. There is only ONE PERSON, and that is everyone! That's why pride and ego ALWAYS feels wrong or bad.
I defy you to indulge your pride and feel good. Its IMPOSSIBLE! Try it! It cant be done! You always end up feeling like a plank at some point!!
Hence the old axiom, Pride comes before a fall'. Yep pride sucks. Always feels uncomfortable and bad, like you are being poisoned from the inside.
Its totally at odds with your TRUE NATURE, and that's why it just never makes you feel 'happy joyous and free'.

The imbalances occur when:
The ego is too puffed up. 'Superior'.
The ego is shriveled. 'Inferior'.
Basically ALL ego is bad. Because we are in fact all one blob of existential awareness, manifesting in (what looks like) separate bodies but ABSOLUTELY connected together, whether we like it or not!
By the way, this is why WE HEAL OURSELVES WHEN WE TRY TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE. Why? Because we are really attempting to help another part of (what I call) the 'blob'. We ARE helping another part of OURSELVES. Even thought it doesn't look like it, looking through the (very limited) view of reality we get via our senses.
(Sorry for going into space cadet territory!) I cant help it!! Just ignore this part of it does your head in. ok? Hahaaaa. Even I have to laugh at the things I come out with sometimes. If you could hear the conversations I have with Sponsees sometimes..!!

Here are some 'earmarks' of evidence of mismanaged or inadequately managed PRIDE.
The more I see these things in others (and myself), the more I assume pride is significantly unrecognized, unchecked and badly managed by that person, (including myself!).

Definition of earmark: An identifying feature or characteristic: eg: a novel with all the earmarks of success

So I do NOT look to people with these characteristics to teach me a great deal about how to rid myself of my remaining pride or to develop humility, which would be the opposite of pride.
Also I find I would be unable to help people unless I was aware of these imbalances, both in myself and in others. These imbalances cause a HUGE amount of emotional pain, so they DO concern me. Pride Kills!

Manifestations of 'Superior' version of Pride:
What will people think of (The Great) me?
Arrogance. Smart alec. Cocky. Scoffing. Delusions of grandeur. Grandiose. Pious. -(Spiritual pride). Self importance. Big shot. Lord it about. Overvalue oneself. Think you are irreplaceable in some capacity. Pompous. Oblivious to personal fallibility. Talk down to people. Talk down to newcomers. Looking down your nose at ANYONE. Believing you are 'better than' other people. Sniffy. Snooty. Disgust. Don't you know who I am? Taking exception at the trials and errors of life EVER landing on THEIR doorstep!! Inflated. Talks for too long. Monopolizes conversations. Loves the sound of their own voice. Smug. Smarmy. Self congratulatory. Back slapping. Cozy. Complacent. Intolerance toward others with fewer skills and abilities than oneself. Pulls rank. I know better than you. Know it all. Smart Alec. Self righteous. Racist. Bigoted. Irritable. Thinking that because you have been sober a long time that you are somehow less likely to be wrong, or to make TERRIBLE mistakes.

Manifestations of 'Inferior' version of Pride:
Apologetic. Sheepish. Wimpy. Never speaks up. Assumes ones opinion is always null and void. Assumes one is always wrong, damaged, beyond repair, damaged goods, beyond help, loser. Convinced that they are 'special and different' because they are uniquely crap and therefore recovery does not apply to them.

Judgmental: (A form of Pride) Manifests as:
Critical. Condemnation. Finding fault. -with ANYTHING. Finger pointing. I'm right and you're WRONG! Being the 'chief critic'. Damming. Looking down your nose at ANYONE. Irritable. Intolerant. Unable to practice Live and Let live.

Judgmental behaviors:
When someone is in the habit of being judgmental and finding fault with people, places and things, they tend to adopt these kinds of behaviors...
Bitchiness. Attacking. Verbal attacks. Punishing behaviors or mindsets. Sarcasm. Putting other people down. Slagging off others. Making 'jokes' at the expense of others. Making someone the butt of a joke. Put downs. Thinly disguised put downs. Strained politeness. Phony. Fake. Insincere. Indignant exclusion. Sulking. Avoiding. Ignoring.
Or more obvious !! evidence of disapproval such as..
Physically attacking. Punching. Fighting. Shouting. Verbal abuse. Name calling.

Closed minded: (a form of arrogance, which is a form of Pride). Manifests as:
Contempt prior to investigation. Inflexible. Rigid. Un teachable. Not open to new ideas. Unable to let go of their old ideas.

Absence of Humility:
Thinking that because you have been sober a long time that you are somehow less likely to be wrong, or to make terrible mistakes. Oblivious to personal fallibility. No flies on me. I'm alright Jack. Conviction. Self Assurance. Unable to see that they could be wrong. Unquestioned confidence in ones decisions, perception or outlook. Confidence generally

Describing Humility is a whole other area, and I will not go into it here as it would take too long. But I hope after reading this you have a better grasp of how pride tends to manifest. Knowing this will make you are a better judge of who has really identified and rooted out their own pride, and who, on the other hand, is still being 'dragged around by the hair' by their pride.

In order to benefit from the vast pool of wisdom that is available to you in AA, and therefore learn the MOST you can about recovery, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO IDENTIFY WHO HAS SUCCEEDED IN KEEPING MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF THIS KILLER ILLNESS (such as Pride) IN REMISSION, AND TO WHAT EXTENT. A little? A lot? Pride is a SYMPTOM of alcoholism, which is a nasty, degrading, humiliating, killer illness. Pride is a MASSIVE chunk of this illness. Virtually a cornerstone. So its WELL worth learning to recognize.

Ideally, Step 4 is where you get to identify where pride has poisoned your wellbeing, (in the form of resentment). But until then, you still stand to benefit from recognizing degrees of manifestation of pride both in yourselves and others. It will help you find the people who really have recovered from their pride. They are the people who can teach you how to remove your own. Not unfortunately, the people whose Pride is still running the show.
Pride is incredibly painful, so if you do learn how to reduce or diminish your own you will have a very valuable skill to offer 'the alcoholic who still suffers'.
We ALL have pride. We will NEVER be perfectly free of it. But we CAN go to to ANY LENGTHS to not indulge our prideful behaviors, or alternatively, to ACT AS IF we are full of humility. (but describing humility is a whole other story!) So there is always something we can do to improve our lot. The less your pride is running riot, the more peace of mind you will have. So there is a strong incentive to reduce our levels of pride to an ABSOLUTE MIMIMUM.

The difference between feeling sad and self pity..

As explained by Sumhedo in the article Gratitude for Luang Por Chah in the Forest Sangha Newsletter

Another term used to describe this tendency is 'Mental proliferation'.

You only need the confidence to reflect, to be aware, not of how things should be but on what you are actually experiencing, without claiming it, without adding to it in any way.
Thus, when I feel sad, if I think “I am sad” then I have made it more than what it is. Instead, I am simply aware of the sadness - which is pre-verbal. So awareness exists without the arising of thought. The habit tendency is to think, “I am sad, and I don’t want to be sad, I want to be happy”. Then it becomes a big problem for us.
Awareness is not a special quality that I have more of than you. It is a natural ability which we all share. The practice is in using this natural ability and in being willing to learn from it.

Step 1 and 4 are the most labour intensive