Trying to run before you can walk: ‘Processing’ difficult emotions without letting them ‘take over’ is a skill best learned AFTER Step 9

A lot of newish people think getting well means they will be so 'serene' that they will feel 'blissful' or 'neutral' all the time. Things won’t feel ‘unpleasant’. Wrong! Serenity is not numb. You get to experience the ENTIRE range of the human condition! Serenity is being at peace with the process. Not making it a problem. It is peace AMID the storm.

Yeh of course addicts want a quick way out. Feelings, good or bad, need not be a problem. But the act of processing them without letting them 'run the show' is actually rather !! skilful. It requires a relaxed and easy going unflustered attitude to 'take on' these seemingly dramatic inner states without getting caught up in them. This skill is best learned AFTER step 9. (Actually this would be something you learn automatically if you were to do a high quality step 11 meditation practice, under the guidance of a good teacher.)

There is just too much resentment clogging up the system prior to that. Plus there is not enough emotional stability to really take these things on an maintain some sort of balance. I would say that without a decent completion of steps 1 to 9, trying to process resentment is like swimming upstream. You will simply never really !! 'catch up', as there is just too much resentment being produced on a daily basis.

Basically step 10 is a lost cause (in my opinion) if you haven't received the benefits of the first 9 steps. You will just never keep up! It’s better than NOTHING, or as a temporary support while you complete the first nine as fast as you can, but as a long term plan? Yipes! No!
What I’m saying is that ‘You cannot survive on step 10 alone’, for very long. Its a FAR better decision to REALLY go for the first nine, as THOROUGHLY as you can, using step 10’s as a way of keeping tabs on resentments, once you have learned the AA craft of identifying them in step 4. But in theory, you should be more ‘normal’ after step 9, and things should be getting to you less, in the main.
Obviously if (god forbid) your entire family gets wiped out by a hurricane, then YES you are going to get pretty !! Annoyed about that after step 9. Well you know what I mean! I hope!

I had MASSES of resentments (Every !!! FRICKIN day!!!!) before step 9, compared to after. Jeez, it would have been a FULL TIME JOB !! doing step 10's if i didn't get the benefit of the first 9. Now I hardly have to to anything. phew!
Well that's what Ive found anyway. In myself and others.
Basically that is what I would recommend, based on my own experience and what I have observed. I am not saying ‘You HAVE to’. (Just in case, there are lots of restless, irritable and discontent people reading this!!)

Have a DAMM fine Sunday why don’t you!

Defensiveness and Blame: My response to life is NOT 'their' fault. Admitting uncomfortable truths and shedding the 'rose tinted' view

I love this subject of alcoholic blame. Blame for drinking. Blame for WHATEVER.
You know, I really KNOW that my alcoholism is nobody else's fault.
But what's STILL very challenging for me and can STILL feel VERY opaque sometimes, is that MY RESPONSE TO *LIFE* IS NOT 'THEIR' FAULT.
Basically casting blame. Looking for JUSTIFICATIONS for my unhappiness with what they are doing.
All resentment is BULLSHIT in my opinion. But its difficult to 'see' that when I'm caught up in something, when something 'rattles my cage', or I just can't handle something, and decide to be 'better than', or 'right' instead. Basically finding fault. Looking down my nose, instead of 'changing my mind' to 'their' view.

(This refers to when I KNOW I am dealing with a person with more knowledge of life than I have. This does NOT refer to when somebody with no impulse control lashes out. This is about TRYING to come to terms with what are essentially uncomfortable truths. Not attempts to control by another)

I 'believe' the triggers in their behavior, and I secretly suspect I am right even though I am reluctant to admit it to them in person as I KNOW judgment is wrong. To me its all about the STUBBORNESS and RELUCTANCE to CHANGE MY MIND about things, and BE PREPARED TO LOOK AT IT FROM ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW. When I am disturbed by something, I don't want to change the entrenched beliefs of a lifetime, and the comfortable self righteous 'better than', that goes with it. I can feel as though my house is built in rock, when the uncomfortable truth is that it IS built on SAND and changes CONSTANTLY, and involves admitting scary truths about myself.

Being honest with myself is one of the hardest things in the world. I want to see WHAT I WANT TO SEE. I don't want to 'see' reality, when it involves 'seeing' DISTURBING truths about reality and myself. Basically, what I call 'embracing uncertainty' and dealing with the 'shadow'.

For me, the battle is about NOT BEING RIGHT. NOT BEING BETTER THAN. (Which all comes from the ego). And being willing to SEE IT ANOTHER WAY. Which is ego again.
E Gads! The ego puncturing aspect of this disease, just NEVER ENDS! But that's ok because I would LOVE to have less ego. But the process of reducing it, is HORRIBLE. Its a real 'CLIMB DOWN'. I ALWAYS find that challenging. No matter HOW long I am around. The 'climbing down' part feels HORRIBLE, at the time. But VERY liberating afterwards.

Plus it actually feels very sad to see the world how it IS sometimes, because it means giving up the 'rose tinted view' of humans, and ANY semblance of certainty. There is NOTHING to hold on to! Giving up a fantasy of how the world works involves a period of grieving the loss of the deluded fantasy.

Conflict resolution: NOTHING is black and white. ..So find the THIRD WAY

Arguing the toss. Fighting Fair. Conflict Resolution.
NOTHING is black and white,

So don't be INFLEXIBLE or STUBBORN when it comes to 'I want' or 'who's right'.

Why?
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our (DEEPLY INGRAINED) old ideas and the result was NIL until we LET GO absolutely." BB p58

"We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument." 12x12 Step Ten

"We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn". 12x12 Step Ten

"we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down." 12x12 Step Ten

"We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish." 12x12 Step Ten

"We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention." 12x12 Step Ten

"It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up." 12x12 Step Ten

Let go or be dragged (Slogan from meetings)

There is ALWAYS a THIRD WAY.
It just takes a bit of CREATIVITY!
Which you should have in SPADES if you are a bit creative!

Well lets face it, we were ALL very CREATIVE when it came to FINDING WAYS TO GET TRASHED.
Well then. I rest my case!

If you both seem to have different outlooks regarding something,
Ask yourself if you can think of a way of 'managing' those seemingly opposing preferences,
Can you think of a bargain you can make between yourselves or boundaries that would allow for the needs of both in a CONSIDERATE way?

Most of life just requires a little bit of imagination! That's all!

Control Freak: Being Self Centered and The Actor running the Show

"It was very simple. When I didn't get my OWN WAY, I took a RESENTMENT"
(My favorite old timers way of explaining Self Centeredness)

Not getting your OWN WAY, is a mini-lesson in the grand old art of SELF CENTREDNESS. Or 'being a CONTROL FREAK' for short.
Lovely eh? These things are just not even REMOTELY flattering. There's nothing 'cool' about being a control freak is there? Bleh!
Don't worry. It gets easier! It looks pretty ugly at the beginning when all you see is ONE flaw, then ANOTHER. Yuk!

In 'AA speak' we call being a control freak 'running the show' or 'the actor running the show' p60

"Each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenery and the rest of the players in his OWN WAY.
If his arrangements would ONLY stay put, if only people would do as HE WISHED, the show would be great. Everybody, including himself, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful.

What usually happens? The show doesn't come off very well. He begins to think life doesn't treat him right.

Still the play does not suit him. Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, HE IS SURE OTHER PEOPLE ARE MORE TO BLAME. He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is his basic trouble? Is he not really a SELF-SEEKER?

Our actor is SELF-CENTERED.
Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles."

Self centeredness therefore, (in my opinion) is a VITAL character defect to identify in ANY step 4. God help you if you FAIL to identify the part it played in ALL of your resentments! Its such a BIG part of resentment.
Anyway. That's why they say 'let go and let god'. Because that means pretty much being the OPPOSITE of a control freak.
Self centeredness is 'standard issue' stuff. We are SICK people getting well, NOT bad people getting good, and all that..
It DOES get better! Thank god!

FRUSTRATION is a classic Self centered position also, as the discomfort always stems from a DESIRED OUTCOME which has not arisen. Getting our OWN WAY means the same 'thing' as a 'desired outcome'. Frustration is when that desired outcome is felt very strongly and therefore its 'absence' is felt very strongly too.

EVERY time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US

My favorite old timer used to always say this quote, so I thought I'd mention it. It's from Step 10 in the 12 x 12. I'd forgotten how embedded in my brain this whole passage is, so I'd thought I'd repeat it here.

"It is a spiritual axiom that EVERY time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US."

These are my favorite bits from the following paragraphs..
emotional "dry benders"
When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.
Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.
We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument.
big shot.
Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better,
There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't.
when our real motive was to win a useless argument.
our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down.
We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention.
this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one,
This subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought.

Here are the paras in their entirety
If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders"

The quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those where people or new events throw us off balance and tempt us to make mistakes. In all these situations we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere. We need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not for perfection. Our first objective will be the development of self restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt. Now that we're in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against "big-shot-ism" we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours. Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.

Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God's help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, making, of course, any amends still neglected. But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were. There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't. We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument. Or, the person concerned not being present, we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down. We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish. We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention. This odd trait of mind and emotion, this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one, permeates human affairs from top to bottom. This subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought.

The difference between feeling sad and self pity..

As explained by Sumhedo in the article Gratitude for Luang Por Chah in the Forest Sangha Newsletter

Another term used to describe this tendency is 'Mental proliferation'.

You only need the confidence to reflect, to be aware, not of how things should be but on what you are actually experiencing, without claiming it, without adding to it in any way.
Thus, when I feel sad, if I think “I am sad” then I have made it more than what it is. Instead, I am simply aware of the sadness - which is pre-verbal. So awareness exists without the arising of thought. The habit tendency is to think, “I am sad, and I don’t want to be sad, I want to be happy”. Then it becomes a big problem for us.
Awareness is not a special quality that I have more of than you. It is a natural ability which we all share. The practice is in using this natural ability and in being willing to learn from it.

Identifiying the 'Prayers' in the Big Book

Step Three Prayer
Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 63
God, I offer myself to Thee --
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self,
that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties,
that victory over them
may bear witness to those I would help
of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!

Step Seven Prayer
Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 76
My Creator,
I am now willing that you should have all of me,
good and bad.
I pray that you now remove from me
every single defect of character
which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows.
Grant me strength, as I go out from here,
to do your bidding.
Amen.

Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS page 70
To sum up about sex:
We earnestly pray for the right ideal,
for guidance in each questionable situation,
for sanity,
and for the strength to do the right thing.

Chapter 6. INTO ACTION page 85
How can I best serve Thee?,
Thy will (not mine) be done."
These are thoughts which MUST go with us CONSTANTLY.

Chapter 1. BILL'S STORY page 13
I was to sit quietly when in doubt,
asking only for direction and strength to meet my problems
as He would have me.
Never was I to pray for myself,
except as my requests bore on my usefulness to others.
Then only might I expect to receive.
But that would be in great measure.

Chapter 5. HOW IT WORKS
page 59
Sought through prayer and meditation
to improve our conscious contact with God
as we understood Him ,
praying only for knowledge of His will for us
and the power to carry that out.

Chapter 6. INTO ACTION
page 86
Before we begin,
we ask God to direct our thinking,
especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity,
dishonest or self-seeking motives.