No Sympathy and lots of questions: A flawless demonstration of how we might Sponsor others by Phillip Hodson

Phillip Hodson is a famous UK psychotherapist who amongst other things, spent many years advising complex mental health issues over the course of phoneins to prime UK radio stations many years ago. As far as I know he neither does phone ins, or even practices as a therapist anymore. He may have retired apart from media and writing projects.
Anyway. Back in the day, people would call in regularly who had been sexually abused, raped, had other !! hugely embarrassing personal issues, or delicate and complex mental health issues, and without fail he managed to consistently provide excellent therapeutic advice to callers, IN AN INCREDIBLY SHORT TIMEFRAME. Hugely !! impressive. I find this style of engagement and delivery !!!! particularly impressive and effective, which is why I mention it here.

A link to his archive audio clips of advice during phone in radio shows is here.

One thing that is noticeable about the way in which he deals with callers, is that (in my interpretation anyway) his communication is devoid of even the slightest flicker of sympathy. ..What I think of as a 'poor you' response.
Unless you have heard an extremely competent person give advice very accurately, it is hard to see how you can give advice without resorting to sympathy at some point. His example illustrates perfectly how if you are very competent, and address the issue accurately, and maintain a common sense and evenhanded, upbeat, measured response, that that approach is infinitely preferable to a "poor you" attitude from the advice giver. Which in my opinion reinforces the concept of victimhood on the person to whom you are talking, so can do more harm.

As with most things, this is better understood by listening to his archive sample phonecalls on this site, than to my explanation, which I doubt does it justice.
But having listened to how effectively he addresses these issues a lot in the past when he used to host regular radio phone-in slots, I have strived to emulate his style in so far as I refuse to give in to the temptation to veer off into "poor you" territory. Having listened to people like Philip, I understood that sympathy may in fact be very detrimental to people who are vulnerable and on the brink of falling apart emotionally. So providing a consistent evenhanded response is often far more settling, and reassuring to the person disclosing their personal issues.
So basically I think Philip is a !!!!! ]fantastic example of how to sponsor people effectively over the phone. Well in my opinion anyway. It is conclusive proof that it need not take much time to get to the point of even a !! very complex issue, and also that sympathy is redundant in many cases, even the most heartbreaking abuse histories.

I just thought I would share that as a reference, as I have always held Phillip's phone skills in high regard, and I had no idea that he had these audio clips online. I only just recently found them so I thought I would mention them here.
I might add, that what I admire here is his skilfulness, and not necessarily the context of therapy per se. I admire skilfulness in all its manifestations, and he is a very atypical psychotherapist who has in my opinion, acquired a ! very high level of skill, which is why he interests me.
I'm not sure how his delivery might be interpreted by people in the US, but I know that in the UK he is an extremely respected professional, and considered generally to be a wise human being with a high level of skill regardless of his paper qualifications as a therapist.

So what I'm saying is, if you SOUND like Philip when you talk to Sponsees, (provided you are reasonably accurately providing !!!!! relevant AA feedback), then in my opinion you have acquired a !! very high level of skill in regards to sponsoring people.
I'm not saying I think you ought to be able to KNOW all the things that he knows is a psychotherapist. (!) What I mean is that putting aside the qualifications of psychotherapist, and just focusing on the WAY in which he listens and talks to people, a HUGE amount can be learned.
For instance, he will frequently interrupt to ask questions in order to clarify things. There are some people in AA that would accuse you of being disinterested or that you weren't listening, if you did that, but again this example illustrates ! perfectly that in order to be competent very often you DO have to interrupt and ask questions in order to get the point quickly. Basically he has a very interventionist style, as opposed to just 'listening'. I have always preferred a highly interventionist style, I understand that this is not normally what people do in AA, because people often feel that their job is a sponsor is to merely listen. But examples like Philip Hodson demonstrate how effective an questioning, interventionist approach is.
Basically a lot of what he does are things which could be levelled as criticisms by (in my opinion) people who don't understand the most effective means of sponsoring people. Because his advice was on a radio show, he worked under !!!!! intense time pressure, and sponsoring is a uniquely difficult task for precisely the same reason. There is a huge amount of time pressure because sponsoring is done on on TOP of full-time work commitments and social obligations. We are not therapists who have !!! hours to spare to book people in, we are people who work full-time who therefore want to get to the point very !!!! quickly, to get to the issue quickly, and so this particular model of advice giving has !!! great uses regarding how to sponsor people, in my opinion anyway. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the way he speaks to people. Pure class. Really ! impressive skillfulness.

He is a great example of the maxim 'Sober not Somber' and 'we absolutely insist on enjoying life'. He does not allow himself to get dragged down to the despairing level of the caller. His energy does not become murky or entangled in the mire of the caller. He maintains a positive, proactive, outlook, and is one of a very rare breed who is intelligent enough to have learned how to make just about everything they know sound incredibly understandable and simple. Only very clever people who know their subject can do that. He's spot on. In my opinion. My aim would be to be as impartial and engaged without getting energetically murky, as he is, so that I can be as efficient at helping others as he is able to be. Why? Because I want to at least TRY to be of Maximum helpfulness. I am very grateful for his inspiring example provided on endless !! radio phone-ins years ago.

So there you go :) Better be off and get on with Sunday. Hope yours is a good one.

What I DO aim to do as 'standard' when I Sponsor

Some sponsors have a very unstructured approach with sponsoring. Fair enough. It's up to them. Each to their own, but I thought I'd just share a bit about how I approach it. Its the ONLY way for me to do it without getting very resentful!
Basically I find you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time. Unless oyu are a lady of leisure! And have a TON of free time..

Anyway here are some 'structures' I have in place when I sponsor. I am flexible, but this is the general structure.

What I DO aim to do as 'standard'
5-10 min calls Mon to Friday preferably in the morning. (7.30-8.30am type thing)
2hr weekend bookings either for:
2hr evening bookings Mon-Thurs either for:
Reading out step one or two written work
Reading out step four as part of step5
'Out of hours' calls if it is an emergency or it cannot wait.
Mobile text queries at any time, but whether I answer them or not is at my discretion. But if you send me too many I will ask you not to.
Email. Anytime. Same as text really. Answers are at my discretion, and if you send too many I will ask you not to.
I will make exceptions if the circumstances are such that you cannot do the stuff I mentioned above, but I do NOT like to make a habit of it.

Coffee after meeting. Once a week. With other Sponsees.
See them at a meeting once a week. Ie make an effort to be at one meeting as a definite arrangement once a week. Otherwise meetings are 'off the cuff'.

Examples of stuff I do NOT do as ''standard' when I Sponsor

Basically you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time.

Examples of stuff I do NOT do as ''standard'
but WILL do AT MY OWN DISCRETION:
Random time calls
Random length calls
Weekend calls (What I call 'time off')
Evening calls (What I call 'time off')

I never do 'random time' calls. in fact it surprises me that ANYONE with a busy lifestyle COULD do that. I arrange 5-10min calls at set times. ideally in the morning. but other times if that's not poss. mon to fri only. other than that it would have to be a VERY important reason to call. ie calling me on my ''time off'. I will take calls on those times, but only if it is VERY important, or urgent and cannot wait.
Put it this way. would YOU want Sponsees to call you at random times throughout the day? I wouldn't! I don't think I know ANYONE that would welcome that arrangement.

What I consider to be 'Bad' Sponsors

To be honest I get a bit fed up listening to stories of people who have sponsors who:

Change plans at the last minute. Or don't show up.
Are never available.
Say they are going to do stuff and then don't do it. Ie unreliable and flaky.
Cannot be got hold of on the phone.
End up talking about THEIR OWN STUFF instead of the Sponsees stuff.
Are totally inflexible.
Get pissed off with Sponsees when the approach they are using is partly responsible for causing friction. Ie blame the Sponsee instead of reappraising the method they are using. Hey don't get me wrong, all Sponsees can drive you NUTS, but by and large it is WRONG to always assume that the fault lies with the Sponsee. That's all. Sometimes a different approach is needed. A tougher approach, or a softer approach. It all depends. Again this is at the discretion of the sponsor. If you simply do not have time for constructing another approach, then you have no choice but to suggest they find a different sponsor.

I have a list a mile long !!! of (what I consider to be) bad sponsorship, but I have focused here mainly on:
Flakiness
Unmanageability
Basic inability to get to grips with the Sponsee.

There are very common complaints. But there are many others!

I pretty much aim to let go of Sponsees after step 9

I pretty much aim to let go of Sponsees after step 9, so I never let them 'build up'. Meaning I would never have more than 5 or 6 doing the steps at any one time. Plus I try to do ALL 1-9 in 9 months if poss. So I'm always recycling Sponsees. I don't 'keep' them for long. But that's a very personal approach. I could never do that thing where you have 50 Sponsees or something. Jeez. What a nightmare! I don't mind the occasional query from someone who has done the first nine steps, but I don't want to 'baby-sit' them through various life decisions on some kind of permanent basis, if I can help it.

Basically you have to be VERY organized to be a sponsor, otherwise you end up HATING it and resenting the demands on your time.

Lets try it and see what happens: What I do at the VERY beginning of Sponsoring someone

I do NOT do 'Temporary Sponsorship' as such.
I DO on the other hand, start out with Sponsees on a 'lets see how we get on' sort of way. This is for me (and her) to find out:
If we get along.
If she is receptive to what I am telling her.
If she is able to understand what I am saying.
If she is able to 'take instruction'.
If she is willing to go to 'any lengths'.
Whether she can DO the things I suggest.
Whether she WANTS to get well or not.
(And a whole bunch of other things, but that's some of the main ones.)

But I do NOT call that 'Temporary Sponsorship'. I tell them something along the lines of:

Lets try it and see how we get on. I will give you some stuff to do, if for WHATEVER reason you are unable to do the things I suggest, I will be FORCED to conclude that I am NOT helping you, in which case, I would advise you to find yourself another sponsor. There are MANY different sponsorship styles out there. I do NOT think the approach I use it for everyone, it is NOT. It suits certain personality types but not others. Also it is more suited to the more 'desperate' types. If you have 'the gift of desperation', you are more likely to succeed with this method. If not you may prefer a more laissez-faire, less structured, style of sponsorship, which happens to be a VERY common sponsorship style, so you will have a GREAT many alternative sponsors to choose from. My style of working with people is NOT typical, so may seem unusual at first, but like most things, I suggest you TRY it first and decide LATER whether or not you think this is working. I have no way of knowing myself, if this will work until I try it, so that is what I intend to do. This is why I will call this a 'try-out' period. The beginning is always rather difficult, but don't let that put you off. It also happens to be the most labour-intensive for me, so please try to take that into account when I work with you. You will make this easier for me if you try VERY HARD to do as I say. And I prefer to work with what I call 'easy' Sponsees. Why? Because it takes me LESS time to 'teach' them this stuff, and as a DIRECT result, I get to help MORE PEOPLE. And that's the bottom line really. Its a numbers game in the end. This will all make sense to you a bit more, once you get started, so don't worry if all this seems like double Dutch at the moment.

Then I give them the 6 things to do, (Listed in the sidebar on the right hand side) and
I look at what meetings they can get to, depending on where they live and work.
I arrange a time for them to call me, every week day if possible. Morning if possible.
And arrange to see them for coffee after the meeting in a weeks time or so, to see how they got on with the things I have told them to do. Ideally I would tell them to bring along their written work to see ho wthey have got on so far.

Also I try to find out a bit about their personal situation. Work. Home. Family. Health. Other addictions.

And I tell them to start writing a 'Drinking CV'. Which is actually more like a potted history of EVERYTHING. But very much a BIRDS EYE VIEW. Very much a LOOK BUT DON'T STARE sort of thing.
Names, dates, addresses, family, school, work, any other compulsions, addictions. How the drugging/drinking/compulsive behaviour started, what happened, where it ended up. What brought them to AA. The 'high' points, meaning the 'high drama' points throughout the course of their entire life. The whole thing really. I tell them, when it is finished, they will come round to mine and read it out, and that I would like to be able to do that in about 3 hours. I'd like to get it all read out in one go if possible.

I expect them to include a ROUGH THUMBNAIL SKETCH of any or all of these things if they are relevant:
Prison, police, psychiatric admissions, if any, shoplifting, gambling, sex addiction, drugs, prescribed and 'street', anti depressant use, suicide attempts if any, thoughts of suicide, self harm history, anorexia, bulimia, any violent behavior, occult fears, occult experimentation in the past, hauntings, (if any), hospital admissions, illnesses, bereavement, abuse (all kinds), battered wife, assault, previous psychiatric diagnoses, panic attacks, bullying, therapy history, counseling history, motor accidents, what they think the 'worst thing is that has happened to them so far, what they think is the most painful thing that has happened to them so far, what they fear most, any previous attempts a staying sober, what happened and how long it lasted, Religion history. Family background. Basically the whole nine yards.

This is just ONE part of step 1. I'm not going to explain it all here, but it is the way I do step one. Its essentially a 'getting to know you' exercise. Amongst other things. Now you see why I find Step 1 so EXHAUSTING!

The programme is just common sense really. Nothing fancy.

Sponsees tend to be be very 'impressed' with AA in the beginning. They put people like me on pedestals, and tend to think there is something a bit like the 'holy grail' going on someplace. I should know. I thought the same when I was new. I don't anymore. I TRY (not always successfully I have to say) to NOT put people on pedestals any more. Nowadays I put step 11 (rather than AA) people on pedestals. And that's just as bad, as they are human too. Whatever.

I always say to Sponsees that the programme is little more than common sense, and that they just have a bit of catching up to do in the common sense department. And that when they get to step 9, they will think the AA programme is very 'ordinary'.
They just look at me blankly, like there is some GREAT secret to the whole thing. But they 'get it' later and DO decide the programme is just common sense. Recovery is very 'ordinary' despite the fact that the programme contains very unfathomable mystery ingredients, otherwise known as the higher power and the 'spiritual awakening'.

Its always a HUGE relief, when a Sponsee reaches that point when they take people in AA (including myself) OFF their pedestals, and decide that I am actually just very human, and on my own journey of discovery, Instead of thinking I am somebody that 'knows all the answers'. Phew!
When some one expects you to know the answers all the time, that is a TOTAL drag!

Shame-free explanations about what EXACTLY is getting in the way

One of the things I have to do a LOT with Sponsees (in the past) is communicate to them IN TERMS THEY CAN UNDERSTAND, what I think is road blocking them, as often they cannot see it. I also am interested to see what they make of these ideas as I have no intention of following them around all the time to observe their behavior, !! so I NEED their feedback on what I think I see is going on with them. Sometimes I am dead right, sometimes I am not, especially if I have not spoken to them for a while, and have no idea what they have been up to,

I had about 40-50 refusals to sponsor me until my former sponsor capitulated, and not ONE of those refusals explained 'properly' why they didn't want to. I was convinced there was something I was doing wrong but I had NO ideas what it was, and they seemed reluctant to guiltlessly explain what the matter was. So if I ever feel I am not able to help someone, I feel I am doing them a HUGE favor if I explain EXACTLY why that is.

I just don't understand why people feel these character impediment are a problem. I see no shame in having them. Its neither here nor there. You just either have them or you don't. So I have shame free conversations with them about what is getting in the way.
I don't see them as either 'good or bad, right or wrong', but I DO know what makes sponsorship easy and what makes it difficult, so that IS easy to communicate. Some Sponsees are easier than others. I will have to do a post on how to be an 'easy' Sponsee..
I clearly was NOT an easy Sponsee when I was new, but I had to figure out what I was doing wrong all by myself, and I would have preferred if someone had told me, as I might have been able to get a sponsor more quickly than I did.

'Reading the Riot Act': A Step One confrontation technique I use occasionally

Step one is by FAR the most exhausting. For MANY reasons. But invariably, there comes a point of utter exasperation, where I reach my ABSOLUTE LIMITS of patience and tolerance. Normally I will just let it ride. But if I have SERIOUS concerns about the persons imminent (1-3 month) risk of relapse, or I am simply 'not getting through', I will adopt more 'dramatic' verbal approach. Which also happens to be VERY exhausting, for myself.

Its one of my least favorite tactics, as I find it REALLY tiring and mentally draining. But I have found that it seems to 'work' pretty much every time I use it, so I reluctantly implement it when no other method appears to be working. Also when my patience runs out!

What it feels like for me is like I am taming a wild horse or something, or wrestling with an alligator, or trying to catch a greasy pig.
It feels like a 'fight' of some sort. A battle of wills.
It is my belief that I am wrestling their ego to the ground in these verbally and mentally EXHAUSTING and very confrontational exchanges. Actually its not really THEIR ego, it is the ALCOHOLIC ego RUN RIOT that I am addressing, as opposed to THEM personally. I will not stop until I 'win'. And I do not care what I have to say or how I have to say it to 'win'. I often throw their previous behavior in their face, or aspects of their past that they are in denial about. Its pretty dramatic. Afterwards, Sponsees tell me I have been 'brutally honest', but that they REALLY appreciated it, and NEEDED to hear it. But don't get me wrong. Nobody ever WANTS to hear this stuff. I actually find it a bit scary saying it all. Although you wouldn't know that if you heard me in mid-stream! But that's probably because I hate confrontation. I can do it, but I do not like it.

I call it 'Reading the Riot Act'.
Its VERY draining! Its pretty intense and emphatic, A 'no holds barred' full on 'thing' where I tell them (whether they like it or not) what they are doing WRONG. And usually how pissed off I am at trying to deal with it. Its a bit like being a 'hairdryer'. Its weird. Its a technique I have only really used for ? 3-4 years. I am amazed at how well it seems to work when all else fails. Basically its a very FULL ON thing where I take their inventory, and tell them in VERY unflattering and blatant terms where they are horribly wrong. Its VERY ego puncturing. But that's step 1. There is always a very unique kind of silence at the end stage of the exchange. It feels very different than normal silences. Better. Its a good silence. It tells me I am getting through. It reminds me of the 'silent' response of tom cruise in the vanilla sky clip I have posted on my side bar JUST after the guy in the lift tells Tom Cruise that 'It was Sofia who never fully recovered'. Anyway I feel step one is kind of 'on the way' when this point arises. You need to allow the dust to settle and the effect of the words to sink in. but usually you see a much more 'humbled', quieted, person after such an encounter. Provided they were a bit 'gobby' or 'mouthy' beforehand.

Anyway, I had to one of these the other night, and I am STILL mentally burnt out from it. My head literally ? Feels 'burnt out'.
Anyway it seemed to work and I like to think that they have enough information now about where they are going wrong to avoid getting themselves in the same mess they were in when I spoke to them last. I don't like to make any assumptions. And I CERTAINLY do not want them to think that they are in any way safe UNTILL they start implementing some new behaviors, as the LAST thing people need when they are getting it horribly wrong is to be lulled into a false sense of security. But you never know. Perhaps this is the last time I will have to repeat myself so empathically and at such length. I hope so!

Disclaimer: I meet a TON of women who are DOORMATS and go through life being BULLIED and just take that for granted. Also I have seen more than my fair share of browbeating, heavy handed and mean spirited sponsorship, so if you have experienced or are experiencing this type of sponsorship, do NOT see this post as an endorsement of that kind of sponsorship. It is NOT. It took AGES for me to develop the confidence and efficiency to develop this technique. Plus it simply DOES NOT WORK if the person doing it is even in the SLIGHTEST way RESENTFUL or BITTER.
The technical term for the difference in approach is 'clean anger' and 'dirty anger'.

Whatever. Just thought I would share that. I might add, I have not come across another sponsor who uses a similar technique, but I AM hoping that my Sponsees might learn how to do it themselves at some point, as I have found it to be REALLY effective at 'taming' newcomers. If you get step one right, the rest is downhill. Well pretty much anyway. And learning how to 'tame' rebellious Sponsees means that you are able to help a much wider range of personality types, and often more damaged people. Which can only be a good thing.

Boundaries: 'No' is a complete sentence

I love that thing "No is a complete sentence'. Always makes me laugh. sometimes I say no just for fun! heheh.

For me, saying no is often an 'act as if' thing, meaning there's still some sense of obligation lurking. I have guilt but I work HARD at ignoring it. I find once I am free of obligations, it dawns on me what a wise decision it was. I kind of grow into the decision or something.

I prefer to call this tendency 'caving in to peer pressure'. I always ORDER my Sponsees to be their own person if I take them on, as I can't stand working with wimpy compliant people. Apart form anything, it slows down their progress if they do. Therefore creating more work for me! which is never a good thing!

All I know is being an independent thinker and 'your own person' are SO important. Being a martyr doormat is VERY miserable.
I think I still do stuff to get approval or to be 'seen' to be doing good at something. But not a great deal. I think I'm a bit of a black sheep at heart and take a perverse pleasure in doing the opposite of what (I think) people expect me to. Still very reactive I know, but just in a different direction! Taking ones life back is a very worthwhile cause.

Differing sponsorship styles: I prefer a confrontational and interventionist style in the main

..on condition that the MOTIVE is correct. I.e: To be HELPFUL, as opposed to DOMINTE, CONTROL, BROWBEAT or PUNISH. If done correctly, it saves me a LOT of time. If NOT done correctly, it creates more problems than it solves, and is pretty much useless. In my opinion anyway.

Be as gentle as doves but as wise as serpents' is a good rule.
New people lie a lot. I have been lied to and it does help us to see our gullibility and idealism more clearly. Being taken in does leave on feeling betrayed. And that does not feel nice.

Hmm let me see. I am not a touchy feely nice guy when I deal with very new people. I am pretty tough. But for good reason. I refuse to open up wounds for examination until the 'patient' has the strength to look at them. So my tone alters dependent on their ability. The more 'well' they are the more compassionate the tone gets. Anyway. In the beginning they have virtually no tolerance at all for even the most superficial level of emotional honesty, so I keep it very light. Basically the more 'at risk' they are, the shorter the leash. The more 'tough' I get so to speak.

The upshot I frequently tell new people I think they are full of s**t , because they very often are. Its the truth and they know it so it does no harm. Anyway. If you are the 'kind, helping hand' version of helping, that is less interventionist in style and gives the unscrupulous person more leeway. Makes them a little less accountable.

Basically I let new people get away with very little. I'm not there saying 'there there, never mind, don't you worry' etc. its more along the lines of a series of very explicit instructions one after the other. I know it sounds crap, but you just have to take my word for it. Basically I'm very interventionist, very 'pulling people up on things', very action commands orientated. Its not speculation, not theory, not sympathy. Just a series of suggested actions.

Help is the Sunny side of Control: Are you helping or are you being a Control Freak?

I find people can 'smell a rat' at 100 paces. Meaning they can tell if I'm being a control freak yet trying to sound 'helpful'. Similarly, I can be VERY direct with people but at the same time have ABSOLUTELY no 'controlling interest', and when I do that, people seem very happy and untroubled about what I say. They can just 'sense' that it is my view, and I have no delusions that I believe I can 'make' them do anything. So basically what I'm saying is that I think it all comes down to MOTIVE, as opposed to WHAT you say exactly.

NOT being a control freak is EXTREMELY liberating as it enables MUCH freer expression of ideas. You can be much more guiltless in what you say. It doesn't work ALL the time, but then what does? but most of the time seems to go fine really.

The HARDEST people to help are those closest to you. Thankfully I understand when to not patronize people who know more than me by accidentally suggesting something. Its a very embarrassing social faux pas, to accidentally suggest stuff to people who know better. Very embarrassing! Thankfully they are always very polite and never react when I get it wrong. I wish I was like that. Oh well, you cant have ! Everything.

Step 5

I do step 5 the same way with Sponsees I did it with my sponsor. 2 hour sessions weekly (sometimes more frequently) until its done. Step 5 is very cool really. Very powerful. A cool old timer called it 'Spiritual surgery'. It is! You are literally 'cutting out' the putrefied 'stinking thinking' that has accumulated over the course of lifetime. If resentment had a physical appearance It would look like like a tumor. Black sticky tar, clinging to our internal energy centers. Whatever. I digress. But basically, step 5, if done well, is VERY cool. If done well, it is a SIGNIFICANT emotional plateau of safety (in comparison to what the person was like before) when finished.

Step 4 and 5 ( for me) are not about 'life stories' as such. I get 'briefed' on the ? overall history in Step 1, so I know most of the 'stuff' LONG before step 5. Step 5 is a place to look at resentments, not personal hstory. That's all.

Did you know step 4 and 5 messes with your head? Well it does. I always suggest that Sponsees just don't try to figure anything out till AFTER step 5. It'll feel better then.

If you are in the middle of step 5, I don't want to say something that increases any sense of uncertainty, as that tends to increase anyway during step 5, so just keep plugging away and soon it will be all over.
It's best to ignore what gremlin-ish ideas it comes up with till the step5 is well and truly DONE.
The uncertainty and discomfort will pass. don't you worry..

The gift of Desperation: Remembering the intense, angry, determination to get well when I was new

I was just thinking about the intense ? Anger, resolve? that I felt about wanting to get well when I was new. I was chatting to a former Sponsee's, Sponsee (about her first Sponsee as it happens) at a local exhibition the other day and she said I reminded her of Dirty Harry in the way I described my initial resolve to get well. Funny. I haven't seen the film (not being a big Clint fan), but I think its useful to know that this kind of 'cornered rat desperation' has its uses in the beginning. I definitely was very sort of angry and intense about wanting to get well. Inwardly. I have no idea what I looked like to others when I was new. As far as I know I did not appear to be angry when I was new. I did not have any antisocial behaviors in that I was not acting out in an angry way. Mad? yes. Antisocial? no. What I'm describing is an inner condition.
Anyway, sure enough I was reading about Kenny's THIRD AA anniversary TODAY!! (Ah bless his cotton socks), and he was describing a very similar thing. Of basically this VERY intense faculty that took over regarding getting well. I just completely related to it.

I think back then, I felt SERIOUSLY ! pissed that after following recommendations from what seemed like all the 'right' people, (therapists etc), that I was in an UNBEARABLE emotional state that I could NOT get out of. It really WAS like the 'quicksand' analogy that Bill talks about in his story.
It wasn't that I wanted to give myself 'one shot', Its just that I felt like this was as close as I EVER wanted to get to losing my mind and wanting to die. This was as close to the edge as I could get. I just felt I had no option but to see if AA would work. I really believe that I owe my life to AA. I just do not know how I would have endured that state much longer without some relief.

I love that 'gift of desperation' thing. It works! Intensity has its place in recovery. It is often required for the bits where we need to go to any lengths. I LOVE a tough, gritty approach when its needed.

By the way I HAVE seen people get well who did NOT have this thing. People who kind of 'floated' into AA by mistake very early on in their drinking careers. So don't think that this means that only people who feel this get well. I'm just saying getting well is a DAMM SITE EASIER if you have this thing. Otherwise you have little or no sense of urgency, and any half hearted attempt can cost you DEARLY in either relapse or !! HUGE ! pain. But I tell you, those people are REALLY ! hard to sponsor. It CAN be done, but it is HARD work! Basically, they can think you are being a bitch when you tell em to do things. (Bitch? Moi??) Heheh. People who have been brought to their knees, or are just 'ready' to take suggestion, just kind of listen. Who knows how the damm thing works. But suffering sure gets our attention!! and makes us listen!

Anyway, Have a LOVELY Monday.
And Happy Anniversary Mr Kenny! London won't be the same when you head off to Dublin!

When you don't know something. ASK! ..In ALL your affairs..

When you don't know something. ASK!
firstly, Well done for learning how to ask Aa's and sponsors for advice!.
But why stop there?
Basically why not 'practice this principle in ALL your affairs'
The world is full of MANY 'powers greater than yourself' in MANY areas of life.

So, if you are having a problem with a co worker. Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Ask someone at work!

So, if you are having a problem with your car Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Ask someone who knows about cars!

So, if you are having a problem with your other half, Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Email a Relationship therapist!

So, if you are having a problem with your leaky roof, Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Ask the guys at the DIY shop!

Etc etc.
Basically, what I am trying to say, is that:
WHEN SOMEONE HAS GREATER ACCUMULATED KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE ABOUT ANYTHING THAN YOU,
IN THAT RESPECT THEY ARE A POWER GREATER THAN YOU.

Ie They are a HP IN THAT AREA.
So consult them!!

I do get a BIT !!! Annoyed when people start asking me about dry rot, mortgage advice, shopping queries !!!! And GOD KNOWS WHAT!!

Hey! Use all the MANY resources out there of people that are EXPERTS on their chosen field of expertise.
Just don't keep asking AA people, or your sponsor for SPECIALIST queries!!
Thank you!

Rule 1: The Rules are, there ARE no Rules

Rule 1: The rules are, there ARE no rules.
Basically you do WHAT WORKS on a CASE BY CASE basis.
There IS no 'right' and 'wrong' regarding any specific 'issue'.. Or anything really..(within reason!)

Jeez. I get REALLY fed up when people assume there is always ONE right answer, !!! hidden away somewhere, and that for some !!!!! Godforsaken reason, I OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!

AAARRGGH!
PLEASE learn how to think for yourself!
Please learn how to NOT be a 'mental loafer' so that then you can FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR YOURSELF ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS.

Please!! ENGAGE YOUR BRAIN!
Why? Because AFTER Step 9..
"Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use." p86


Marvelous!

I am Impressed when new people DO AS THEY ARE TOLD

Why?
Not because I care. Because if they were doing any of this to impress anybody, that would be a complete ! disaster. No. I am impressed because it means they have a 99% chance of staying sober permanently if they do. Therefore making MY life SIGNIFICANTLY easier! Which is ALWAYS a good thing! (You see it's ALL about ME!) Just Kidding!!
THAT'S why I like it when new people learn that skill. It's NOT easy! It OFTEN involves going to ANY LENGTHS. Which is tough! But tough is good. It WORKS and that's the main thing

I call it Ninja-style recovery, when people submit to the wisdom of AA. Its VERY tough to do!! Not for pansies!

How I help suffering alcoholic co-workers go to meetings WITHOUT breaking my anonymity

Regarding situations where I meet alcoholics looking for help to stop drinking AT WORK:

I tell them that I know a nice bloke who has stopped drinking for a while now, who goes to AA, and would they like it if I passed my friends phone number to him? (With that persons permission of course)
If they say no, I say that the AA friend I know said it was a good idea to call the telephone office sometime and speak to someone there.

Basically I feign knowledge of AA on the premise that I know a really nice guy who doesn't drink who has been to AA, that I can put them in contact with.
Sometimes I bring in a where to find, with the guys phone number on the back, and say, 'my frind said you could have this'.
You can bring in ANY amount of literature in under this premise. A newcomer pack, the living sober book. You name it!
Don't get TOO carried away though It will look a bit SUSS!

I call a guy I know in AA from my old home group, and clearly explain that this is a CO WORKER and I have told them that they are a friend. Ie please do NOT tell this person that I am a member of AA. Its very simple. As my friends are reliable, this is nothing for me to worry about. They are not flakes, so when they say they will do something, I can rely on them.

Harmful Speech: Communicating problems (in order to seek help) WITHOUT Ranting or Dumping

The desire to rant stems from some sort of problem that has arisen.
Pretending the problem does not exist is NOT correct.
That would be REPRESSION. PRETENCE. PRETENDING.
NONE of these are HONEST, so this choice does not comply with AA doctrine.

Addressing the problem.
Looking for a solution to the problem.
Asking for advice or feedback from others in relation to the problem.
Trying out different approaches that have been suggested,
and SEEING FOR YOURSELF what WORKS.
..Are ALL PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS which are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to address whatever problem we encounter.

So when I say 'don't rant' I DO NOT mean
'Say NOTHING about this problem you have encountered'.
'Just pray. But don't talk to me about it'.
'keep this problem to yourself'.

Its NOT about THE CHOICE TO SPEAK about the problem or not.
Its about HOW you speak about the problem.
Ie. It is about LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PROBLEMS TO OTHERS IN A SKILLFUL WAY.

If something is 'skilful' it just means that your actions DO NOT HARM OTHERS.
Frequently. Newer AA's HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HARM IS.

This is usually because they HAVE NOT COMPLETED STEP 8.
Which is the first REAL education as to the EXACT nature of 'harm'.
Until then, AA;s rarely understand this concept.

They feel guilty for EVERYTHING
They feel guilty for not submitting to unacceptable demands
They are easily bullied into thinking they 'ought' to be doing something.

They can 'explode over a trifle'
They can INTERPRET MANY NEUTRAL OR HARMLESS comments or actions as an ATTACK
They are very inconsiderate in that they have VERY high expectations of others. They 'get the hump' when other people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND them.

So what I'm saying,
Is that they SEE harm where NONE EXISTS.
And they SEE NO HARM where harm REALLY DOES exist.

So. This is why it can be hard to explain to them how to,
COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEM WITHOUT RANTING, BLAMING, OR DUMPING.

The problem with ranting is the ATTITUDE of the speech.
Or the INCONSIDERATE NATURE of the speech.

I say to people who rant or dump.
"Do YOU like it, when people talk to you about a problem AS IF THE PROBLEM IS SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT. Or that there is an IMPLIED ATTITUDE that you are SUPPOSED to 'fix' them?"
Or
"Do YOU like it, when people just go ON and ON about 'how crummy their life is', for HOUR upon HOUR, just ranting and bleating?"

They ALWAYS say no.
I say "Well then, why do you KEEP DOING THAT to other people?"
"Don't you care about the way you are making them feel?"
"Why don't you TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED?"

Its surprising what a revolutionary concept this can be for some alcoholics.
They act in a terribly selfish and inconsiderate way, and then they wonder why they are driving people away.
Its very simple
Life is pretty much about CONSTANT THOUGHT OF OTHERS.
Failure to behave in considerate and thoughtful ways, means you will feel VERY ALONE.
Obviously not all alcoholics are like this, but we ALL have this to some extent. To this day, I can STILL see 'blind spots' where I am not engaging with the needs of others IN CERTAIN AREAS.
Its an ongoing 'battle' against the 'self'. The 'ego'.
Learning to be unselfish and kind to our fellow men is a lesson we will NEVER stop learning.

WALK AWAY! Unless you have a heart of STONE, (or are completely NUMB), cruel words will ALWAYS hurt

Words can be INCREDIBLY hurtful. You can 'kill' with words. (Gossip in AA kills, for instance.)
It is VERY important to learn how to SKILFULLY AVOID argumentative and attacking comments, AND argumentative and attacking people.

When someone either thinks or says something POISONOUS toward us this is what is known as 'Psychic Attack'. Well I call it that anyway.
It can take the form of, Rant, bile, blame, digs, sarcasm, hurtful comments..

As part of taking care of myself I WALK AWAY from people who TRY to say toxic things to me. I simply DO NOT TALK to verbally attacking people. I do not know how NOT to be hurt by cruel words any more than I know how to NOT be hurt by a physical injury.
Unless you have a heart of STONE, (or are completely numb) cruel words will ALWAYS hurt.

Moral of the story? STICK WITH THE WINNERS.

And physically avoid verbal attacks when they arise unexpectedly.
ie just WALK AWAY or END THE PHONE CALL when they 'start up'. Or even better, when YOU CAN TELL THEY ARE ABOUT TO START UP but they haven't got round to saying anything poisonous YET.

There may be a temptation to 'address' their negativity, (to 'win a POINTLESS argument' as they say in the 12x12) but it is MUCH easier just to STAY AWAY.

Regarding 'arguments' and disagreement generally..
"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it."

"That's the thing about faith. If you don't have it you can't understand it. And if you do, no explanation is necessary. -- Major Kira Nerys

“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
St. Thomas Aquinas quotes (Scholastic philosopher and theologian, 1225-1274)

“For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't understand, no explanation is possible”

I do NOT try to 'convert' people to 'my way of thinking'.
It is NOT my problem, if they want to believe negative things!!!
I am under NO obligation to 'fix' them. Besides, it take FAR too much energy!

To me, all 'arguments' are essentially about a lack of faith in the other person. An EGO BATTLE of sorts. (Well that's how I interpret them in the role of sponsor anyway.) Outside that , I don't really know as I just do not find myself 'arguing' with people not in AA, because it is just too draining a form of communication for me. Life is too short.

This is basically another version of practicing 'Stick with the winners'.
Its probably one the MOST important things to do in recovery.
Negativity IS contagious. So is positivity.