Increased sensitivity toward others AND acceptance means: "It hurts you more but it bothers you less"

On a relative level, it hurts you MORE. On an absolute level, it bothers you LESS
"There is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely." Quote at 6.15 of the video.

This is like a master class on emotional intelligence by Ken Wilber. Bless im.
This is for those of you that tend to get steamrollered by your emotions or fear that life will tear you apart unless you close your eyes to the suffering in the world. Ken has a very good explanation as to how more advanced practitioners view that ongoing tension.

My words:
Firstly. He distinguishes between what he calls RELATIVE reality, and ABSOLUTE reality.
Lets call the relative reality the ? world. 'People places and things', such as emotions, patterns of the mind. Al the emotional and mental 'traffic' we experience.

Then lets call the ABSOLUTE reality ? ..God, HP the power of AA as a whole. ? Whatever. Just something beyond the daily push and pull. Doesn't really matter what you call it. Its that place that feels ? beyond the surface of things. ? ..Gawd knows what it is, but it is beyond people, places and things. Including the capacity of the thinking mind.

In retrospect, I think this ? 'dual' reality he describes, of both a 'relative' and 'absolute' nature, (Buddhists call it 'conditioned' and 'unconditioned' reality, but it doesn't really matter what you call it) is the thing I was ! trying to describe in the July 2007 post called: The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether' And another Dec 2006 post called: A strange 'dual' mind space shared by myself and my Sponsees. (And their Sponsees)

Anyway. regarding RELATIVE reality: Ken says at 5.06 of the video:
"The more awakened you become, the more INVOLVED you become, the more you actually FEEL, and the more painful it becomes. So the pain increases. (So do the positive emotions BTW.)
You become SO sensitive you can feel EVERYTHING that's arising for everybody. All that becomes something that you TASTE and you FEEL CONSTANTLY.

He then says at 6.03 of the video:
"On the ABSOLUTE side, it bothers you LESS.
So there is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely.

We have to give ourselves PLENTY of room to feel BOTH:
The ABSOLUTE PERFECTION in everything that arises.
..And yet see ONE person starving and you will start crying so hard it will kill you.
And if you are not doing BOTH, you are doing something WRONG."

My words:
AA's learn to see 'perfection' in this way by developing the spiritual principle of Acceptance p417 of the Big book
""When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some FACT of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I ACCEPT that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

NOTHING, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
(p417, AA Big Book) you can view the story this comes from called "Acceptance was the answer" here

*Apologies for the music on this vid BTW. Hey i didn't choose it!!.. but hey never mind.. :)

There is another ongoing tension with emotions between REPRESSION and INDULGENCE. But that's another post.
There are plenty of other Ken Wilber vids on Utube. Plus he has a website if you are interested..

An exercise in Acceptance: Try telling yourself THIS next time you are experiencing pain, overwhelm, weepyness

Christmas Day Service in St Pauls Cathedral, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Or what Eckhart Tolle calls the 'Pain body'. Whatever. The label is not that important.
This is from his book The New Earth. I think it is pretty cool. It is a conversation he had with a client who as experiencing a LOT of pain and could not 'process' it. 'Release' it. Whatever you like to ? call it.
This is what he said:

"At this moment this is what you feel.

There's nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment, THIS is what you feel.

Now. Instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is.

Which adds more pain to the pain that is already there.

Is it possible for you to completely accept, that this is, what you feel right now?

(if there is a rebellious respons of No! I don't want to accept this!)
Who is speaking?
You, or the unhappiness in you?

Can you see that your unhappiness about being unhappy is just another layer of unhappiness?

I'm not asking you to DO anything, all I'm asking is that you find out if it is possible for you to allow those feelings to be there.

In other words. And this may sound strange.
If you don't MIND being unhappy. What happens to the unhappiness?

Don't you want to find out?"

She said. After a few minutes...
"This is weird.
I am still unhappy.
But now there is 'space' around it. It seems to matter less."

By the way. My other 'fave' for 'weepy overwhelm is the Taoist Arch. I have a post about it called Weepy? Overwhelmed? Try the Taoist arch!

Its SUPER cool. Bu that's just my opinion..
I ALWAYS tell new weepy people it to help them cope with dodgy moments during the beginning bit of recovery.

Sadness cloaked as anger: Just underneath Anger is sadness and hurt

My invented and totally unproven thought on this are that Al anons like alkies have the 'heart-sadness' but alcoholics are the 'edgier' breed of the two. There's a roughness round the edges. Its resentment really. But anger and sad are two sides of the same coin. Sad is just that little bit more honest than anger. Just underneath the anger there's a pool of tears. Perhaps the alky is the sad person who went blind because they couldn't face the truth, so they experience their sadness more predominantly as bitterness and anger. Sadness cloaked as anger. One extra layer between their emotional lives and reality.

Alkies are more removed from their grief. There's an additional tension in the psyche from the mental separation that that condition creates. The extra division splits them from the inside so that they cant even see their 'separated self' when they REALLY try.
Recovery is about ending the fragmented and separated disowned emotions. Reclaiming them.

Free Teleclass about living in the solution regarding Virginia Tech: Thursday, April 19th at 4 pm Mountain Time

Join Rhonda Britten this Thursday, April 19th at 4 pm Mountain Time
Call number: 641-297-5900 or 641-297-5910
Password: 80080

Here's some of her blurb:
I am deeply moved by what occurred at Virginia Tech yesterday morning. I know my heart is heavy and broken. I shared a lot of my feelings on my Blog written at 2 am this morning. And if you are like me, you may need to talk about what it all means....therefore, I invite you to join me on this Free Telecall to share your feelings and perhaps find some solace in this precarious time for our nation.
We may not be able to find any answers but together we might be able to heal some of the pain that this tragic event has stirred up inside of us. I send prayers to you and yours and know that light, and love, and peace surround you during this trying time.
With Fearless Love,
Rhonda

I do not agree with Rhonda that fear is behind all emotional maladjustments to life, but I can still find her very non judgmental, solution orientated approach very helpful. (Take what you like and leave the rest sort of thing) I'm just saying that so that you do not conclude that I think she has all the answers, that she has what I want (as such), or that I trust her motive for saying what she does, or even that I agree, The things she DOES have that I would like to acquire interest me GREATLY and I always love listening to motivational and positive stuff. She's doing a lot right I reckon, but I get tied up when it comes to the money aspect. I think money corrupts a LOT of the time. That part doesn't work for me. Although I have learned a lot from the mind body spirit workshop school, I got a bit fed up after a while having to listen to them re-brand an aspect of the human condition to make it look like they have cornered a unique perspective on life, when the very act of re-branding it adds confusion to the job of trying to understand the process. So I don't buy the ''fear is everything' idea. I just found I ended up reframing her quite complicated ideas into more common sensical terms that had universal applicability. Fear Is a big thing, but it is not everything. Well I think so. Everything? That would be greed, hatred, delusion. Fear is a big part though. But who knows, perhaps I am wrong. I just think if fear was behind the whole thing the Dalai Lama and all those teachers would be focusing on it a LOT more than they do. They don't. That's my guess as someone who is trying to learn from the best examples I am aware of. When I want to know something I just consider the dalai lama and all those people and what they say. I'm just mentioning this because it is free. She is lively and good at speaking honestly, which is a skill in itself. Also she is good at uncovering crappy hidden motives, and being flexible. She makes no attempt to look 'cured' which is humble. And a lot of her stuff seems similar in approach to aa stuff. Whatever. Just don't blow your life savings on the workshops! Sorry if you are a hardened Rhonda Britten fan! Who knows, I could have it all wrong anyway!

Pray for the Bastard!: A 'stand-in' cure for Resentment before you complete the 4th and 5th step.

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even whey you don't really want it for them and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead an do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks, and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."
Freedom from Bondage, Page 552, Alcoholics Anonymous.

(Thank you Zane at Zanejabbers(who is actually a rather lovely human being) for reminding me of where this passage is. I completely forgot!)

When people are new and do not have the skills in identifying resentment that come after (competently!) completing steps 4 and 5, this is what I tell them to do with resentment. It's the NUMBER ONE offender" so it's VERY important to find a way of managing it prior the the insight we have after step 5.

My favorite old timer used to say it (Pray for the Bastard!) ALL the time.
I did it when I was new.
It worked for me.
I know LOADS of other people who did it and it worked for them too.
So, basically, it works.

Trust me, you NEED this skill prior to completion of step 5. If you do not learn this skill there is a STRONG chance you will get hijacked by resentment, and you are in GRAVE danger of drinking if you have not been 'restored to sanity as a result of having a spiritual awakening having completed the first nine steps.'
So this is VERY necessary.

Why?
Resentment is probably the greatest threat to sobriety. And the only real way to get on top of it is by the process of examining our resentments in step 4, and staying out of harms way till we know better in the meantime.

"But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is fatal. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we HAD to be free of anger. The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison."
p66 BB

And this is why arguments (or ANYTHING that inflames resentment) puts you in an EXTREMELY vulnerable position. Anger just doesn't work for us. We can't just follow it like we used to. Even when we are 'right'. And especially ! when we are new because that's when we have the LEAST defense against the first drink.

This ' Pray for the Bastard!' thing is actually rather a lovely process. I LOVE hearing the stories people tell about what happened after they did it. Really !! Cool stuff happens sometimes. It seems to have a very miraculous effect.

The REALLY cool part of the proceess, is asking yourself IN ALL HONESTY. "What do I want?"
Really. What do I LONG for?
What would I love more than ANYTHING ELSE?"

See untill you answer that question HONESTLY, you have NO CLUE what to ask for the other person.
You have to identify your HEARTFELT DESIRE
Your INNOCENT HOPE
You need to identify the thing you CRAVE
No bullshit. The truth.

THAT'S the cool part.

And when you know what that thing is?
Well. You ask for the OTHER person, to have that thing.

Wow. I LOVE this practice. Its EXTREMELY powerful.
The more HONEST you are about what you TRULY want, the BETTER this thing works.
Yes. Of COURSE it involves going to ANY LENGTHS. But whats new? That's the 'AA deal'. This is NOT a half measures thing. Just do your lousy best. I start off saying it through gritted teeth, (Heheh) but it gets easier.
But just trust me. You will LOVE this one, in hindsight. Its an AMAZING practtice. We are SO lucky to have this gem in our toolbox. It REALLY moves things around in the universe.
Right I'm off. Have fun with that one!

Trying to run before you can walk: ‘Processing’ difficult emotions without letting them ‘take over’ is a skill best learned AFTER Step 9

A lot of newish people think getting well means they will be so 'serene' that they will feel 'blissful' or 'neutral' all the time. Things won’t feel ‘unpleasant’. Wrong! Serenity is not numb. You get to experience the ENTIRE range of the human condition! Serenity is being at peace with the process. Not making it a problem. It is peace AMID the storm.

Yeh of course addicts want a quick way out. Feelings, good or bad, need not be a problem. But the act of processing them without letting them 'run the show' is actually rather !! skilful. It requires a relaxed and easy going unflustered attitude to 'take on' these seemingly dramatic inner states without getting caught up in them. This skill is best learned AFTER step 9. (Actually this would be something you learn automatically if you were to do a high quality step 11 meditation practice, under the guidance of a good teacher.)

There is just too much resentment clogging up the system prior to that. Plus there is not enough emotional stability to really take these things on an maintain some sort of balance. I would say that without a decent completion of steps 1 to 9, trying to process resentment is like swimming upstream. You will simply never really !! 'catch up', as there is just too much resentment being produced on a daily basis.

Basically step 10 is a lost cause (in my opinion) if you haven't received the benefits of the first 9 steps. You will just never keep up! It’s better than NOTHING, or as a temporary support while you complete the first nine as fast as you can, but as a long term plan? Yipes! No!
What I’m saying is that ‘You cannot survive on step 10 alone’, for very long. Its a FAR better decision to REALLY go for the first nine, as THOROUGHLY as you can, using step 10’s as a way of keeping tabs on resentments, once you have learned the AA craft of identifying them in step 4. But in theory, you should be more ‘normal’ after step 9, and things should be getting to you less, in the main.
Obviously if (god forbid) your entire family gets wiped out by a hurricane, then YES you are going to get pretty !! Annoyed about that after step 9. Well you know what I mean! I hope!

I had MASSES of resentments (Every !!! FRICKIN day!!!!) before step 9, compared to after. Jeez, it would have been a FULL TIME JOB !! doing step 10's if i didn't get the benefit of the first 9. Now I hardly have to to anything. phew!
Well that's what Ive found anyway. In myself and others.
Basically that is what I would recommend, based on my own experience and what I have observed. I am not saying ‘You HAVE to’. (Just in case, there are lots of restless, irritable and discontent people reading this!!)

Have a DAMM fine Sunday why don’t you!

Defensiveness and Blame: My response to life is NOT 'their' fault. Admitting uncomfortable truths and shedding the 'rose tinted' view

I love this subject of alcoholic blame. Blame for drinking. Blame for WHATEVER.
You know, I really KNOW that my alcoholism is nobody else's fault.
But what's STILL very challenging for me and can STILL feel VERY opaque sometimes, is that MY RESPONSE TO *LIFE* IS NOT 'THEIR' FAULT.
Basically casting blame. Looking for JUSTIFICATIONS for my unhappiness with what they are doing.
All resentment is BULLSHIT in my opinion. But its difficult to 'see' that when I'm caught up in something, when something 'rattles my cage', or I just can't handle something, and decide to be 'better than', or 'right' instead. Basically finding fault. Looking down my nose, instead of 'changing my mind' to 'their' view.

(This refers to when I KNOW I am dealing with a person with more knowledge of life than I have. This does NOT refer to when somebody with no impulse control lashes out. This is about TRYING to come to terms with what are essentially uncomfortable truths. Not attempts to control by another)

I 'believe' the triggers in their behavior, and I secretly suspect I am right even though I am reluctant to admit it to them in person as I KNOW judgment is wrong. To me its all about the STUBBORNESS and RELUCTANCE to CHANGE MY MIND about things, and BE PREPARED TO LOOK AT IT FROM ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW. When I am disturbed by something, I don't want to change the entrenched beliefs of a lifetime, and the comfortable self righteous 'better than', that goes with it. I can feel as though my house is built in rock, when the uncomfortable truth is that it IS built on SAND and changes CONSTANTLY, and involves admitting scary truths about myself.

Being honest with myself is one of the hardest things in the world. I want to see WHAT I WANT TO SEE. I don't want to 'see' reality, when it involves 'seeing' DISTURBING truths about reality and myself. Basically, what I call 'embracing uncertainty' and dealing with the 'shadow'.

For me, the battle is about NOT BEING RIGHT. NOT BEING BETTER THAN. (Which all comes from the ego). And being willing to SEE IT ANOTHER WAY. Which is ego again.
E Gads! The ego puncturing aspect of this disease, just NEVER ENDS! But that's ok because I would LOVE to have less ego. But the process of reducing it, is HORRIBLE. Its a real 'CLIMB DOWN'. I ALWAYS find that challenging. No matter HOW long I am around. The 'climbing down' part feels HORRIBLE, at the time. But VERY liberating afterwards.

Plus it actually feels very sad to see the world how it IS sometimes, because it means giving up the 'rose tinted view' of humans, and ANY semblance of certainty. There is NOTHING to hold on to! Giving up a fantasy of how the world works involves a period of grieving the loss of the deluded fantasy.

Hatred and Delusion don't 'go away' as such. They just stop being an (alarming) BIG ! DEAL

We ALL suffer from hatred and delusion. The worst possible kind. Its part of the human condition. They don't go away as such. The trick is to have a compassionate, non judgmental awareness of these terrible weaknesses, and have the ability to go to any lengths to practice 'restraint of tongue and pen'. I learned the former by doing step 4 and 5, and the latter was a standard suggestion right from the earliest days in AA.
Robert Bly is very good at describing what's known as 'the shadow'. I got into all that in step 11. Its DARK! But it's ok, if you learn how to handle it!

But its also true that what you dwell on Is who you become, But we all have the option of free will, so we are at liberty at any time to try to maintain focus on the solution rather than the problem. That's a different issue.

(Related slogans)
You move towards, and become like, that which you think about, whether it is good for you, or bad for you
The more you think about the problem, the bigger the problem gets. The more you think about the solution, the bigger the solution gets.

These abilities became 'normal' for me as opposed to VERY HARD work, as a result of doing the first 9 steps. I wanted them LONG before then, but they only materialized when I completed the first 9 steps and maintained with 10, 11, 12 afterwards. "The lift is broken, please use the steps", as they say.

(Related Big Book quote)
"If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered LONG ago. But we found that such codes and philosophies did NOT save us, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TRIED.
We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with ALL our might, BUT THE NEEDED POWER WASN'T THERE.
Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, WERE NOT SUFFICIENT: they FAILED UTTERLY." p45

All I know is my mind is INFINITELY more stable than it was before completion of the steps.
That said, it is ALSO true that my ability to be non judgmental with various 'nasty' mind states, means that by and large, these 'weaknesses, are NO BIG DEAL.
I really LOVE the 'NO BIG DEAL' mindset. Its just another way of saying, This is NOT a 'problem', this is NOT a drama. ..Now where's the solution?

Harmful Speech: Communicating problems (in order to seek help) WITHOUT Ranting or Dumping

The desire to rant stems from some sort of problem that has arisen.
Pretending the problem does not exist is NOT correct.
That would be REPRESSION. PRETENCE. PRETENDING.
NONE of these are HONEST, so this choice does not comply with AA doctrine.

Addressing the problem.
Looking for a solution to the problem.
Asking for advice or feedback from others in relation to the problem.
Trying out different approaches that have been suggested,
and SEEING FOR YOURSELF what WORKS.
..Are ALL PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS which are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to address whatever problem we encounter.

So when I say 'don't rant' I DO NOT mean
'Say NOTHING about this problem you have encountered'.
'Just pray. But don't talk to me about it'.
'keep this problem to yourself'.

Its NOT about THE CHOICE TO SPEAK about the problem or not.
Its about HOW you speak about the problem.
Ie. It is about LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PROBLEMS TO OTHERS IN A SKILLFUL WAY.

If something is 'skilful' it just means that your actions DO NOT HARM OTHERS.
Frequently. Newer AA's HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HARM IS.

This is usually because they HAVE NOT COMPLETED STEP 8.
Which is the first REAL education as to the EXACT nature of 'harm'.
Until then, AA;s rarely understand this concept.

They feel guilty for EVERYTHING
They feel guilty for not submitting to unacceptable demands
They are easily bullied into thinking they 'ought' to be doing something.

They can 'explode over a trifle'
They can INTERPRET MANY NEUTRAL OR HARMLESS comments or actions as an ATTACK
They are very inconsiderate in that they have VERY high expectations of others. They 'get the hump' when other people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND them.

So what I'm saying,
Is that they SEE harm where NONE EXISTS.
And they SEE NO HARM where harm REALLY DOES exist.

So. This is why it can be hard to explain to them how to,
COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEM WITHOUT RANTING, BLAMING, OR DUMPING.

The problem with ranting is the ATTITUDE of the speech.
Or the INCONSIDERATE NATURE of the speech.

I say to people who rant or dump.
"Do YOU like it, when people talk to you about a problem AS IF THE PROBLEM IS SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT. Or that there is an IMPLIED ATTITUDE that you are SUPPOSED to 'fix' them?"
Or
"Do YOU like it, when people just go ON and ON about 'how crummy their life is', for HOUR upon HOUR, just ranting and bleating?"

They ALWAYS say no.
I say "Well then, why do you KEEP DOING THAT to other people?"
"Don't you care about the way you are making them feel?"
"Why don't you TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED?"

Its surprising what a revolutionary concept this can be for some alcoholics.
They act in a terribly selfish and inconsiderate way, and then they wonder why they are driving people away.
Its very simple
Life is pretty much about CONSTANT THOUGHT OF OTHERS.
Failure to behave in considerate and thoughtful ways, means you will feel VERY ALONE.
Obviously not all alcoholics are like this, but we ALL have this to some extent. To this day, I can STILL see 'blind spots' where I am not engaging with the needs of others IN CERTAIN AREAS.
Its an ongoing 'battle' against the 'self'. The 'ego'.
Learning to be unselfish and kind to our fellow men is a lesson we will NEVER stop learning.

Two Alaskan 'sacred space' sprays at the Homeopathic Hospital Pharmacy

They now sell these two sprays which I really like.
They are a handy way to 'transport yourself' into a 'better space' with very little effort! They will not have much of an effect if you have other very destructive life habits! But they can have a very pleasant improvement when your life is based on generous spirited principles and you would like a bit of a lift when something difficult has come along.

(No I do NOT have shares in these things!)

Calling All Angels.
(£12.50 or something for 150ml.) 
This one REALLY does connect you with a VERY NICE energy. I'm not an expert on Angels, but it DOES feel like angelic energy. Very SOFT. Beautiful actually.

Guardian (£12.50 or something for 150ml.) 
This one is protection. I feel 'safe' and 'contained' and 'not grubby' (like I have something 'grubby' stuck to me) when I use this one.

Royal London Homeopathic Hospital,
Great Ormond Street,
London WC1N 3HR
Pharmacy is open from 9 to 5. Monday to Friday.

Am I a FREAK or C**P at my AA programme if DIFFICULT people make me angry? NO.

It's PERFECTLY NORMAL to have your patience tested to it's LIMITS, when we are thrown unwittingly into having to deal with DIFFICULT people.

You are NOT a freak for being angry! It's how you DEAL with the anger that arises that 'sets you apart' in terms of our programme.

Beating yourself up for simply BEING HUMAN serves no useful purpose. Compassion! Anger has its own rhythm. You just have to let it run its course, WITHOUT ACTING OUT destructively.

Here's some stuff which is good if anger has 'arisen'.
Go scream into a bowl of water, (Quite fun actually!, even when you don't feel REMOTELY angry!!)
Strangle a towel!
Clean up..in a slightly ferocious manner!
Go do some weights in the gym.
go to a lake and throw stones into it. ?? Heheh. Well you know what I mean.

I'm a BIG fan of the old 'Taoist Arch' trick when emotions run high, but that's just me.

By the way. This is NOT a license to be ANGRY ALL THE TIME, or TO THINK IT IS NORMAL TO WANT TO KILL PEOPLE. (Yes, I have met MANY people in AA who subscribe to this view!) Jeez. Oh well..
NO that is NOT normal. If this is how you feel you have a BIG problem with anger and you are SERIOUSLY UNDERMINING your 'fit spiritual condition'. Why? Because "Resentment is the number one offender". p64
It is NOT 'ok' to act out on your anger. Why?
Because "If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink." p70

Just remember: "Restraint of tongue and pen.", "Restraint of tongue and pen.", "Restraint of tongue and pen."
Repeat it like a mantra! Until the desire to tell them what a USELESS WASTE OF SPACE THEY ARE, subsides! Heheh.
If I'm honest, the MOST powerful leveler of ANY yukky emotion is the old chestnut 'Constant thought of others' . Meaning service of some sort.

Just thought I'd put that in just in case! This post addresses people who have completed the first nine steps and are NOT a seething cauldron of contemptuous rage! (Hahahaa) or (one of my FAVORITE big book quotes) the sort of person who "explodes over a trifle". p126
Heheh. I LOVE that one.. Always conjures up the FUNNIEST pictures in my mind..

REALLY accepting that there is NO immunity to profound and heartbreaking LOSS, even when everything is 'right'.

Another title I thought of for this post was:
The 'heavy' consequences of REALLY seeing impermanence. & Loss: Even the prettiest garden contains the shadow of death.

This is about mustering the courage to embark on hoped-for dreams when your perception of impermanence improves so that you 'feel' (?) 'all seasons in one day', (for want of a better word). Basically 'feeling', the beginning, middle and end from the off! Bleh! Not nice! Very sad! It calls for a whole new level of dealing with loss! Very difficult to explain. More like just an sustained knowledge of the heaviness that exists 'down the road'. The other thing that is difficult, is staying joyful about life, having a better view of impermanence, ie the eventual end of all things. Not easy! Yeh, I know it sounds a bit weird, but I'll explain it better as I go along..

What's the gateway to emotional healing? (For me anyhow)
Being 'open' to (REALLY painful) disappointment.
Ruin, death, endings, failure, impermanence, losing the love you have always wanted or craved. Knowing there will be an end to ALL things you cherish. BEING OK WITH THAT. BEING WILLING TO FEEL, WHAT THAT WILL FEEL LIKE, WHEN THAT ENDING COMES AROUND. Knowing you will eventually encounter this thing, even under the most IDEAL circumstances.

'Old age, sickness and death' as they say in the Buddhist monasteries..

Not deciding to hate the world or be bitter because THERE WILL BE AN END.
This is what the Buddhists call the 'challenge of the human realm'. This is something I am 'working' on at the moment.
I don't know why my soul craves infinite security. Why I want to hold on to 'good things' forever. Its crazy! Nothing lasts.

I hardly dare hope or dream or want, because I can 'see' the impermanence of ALL that I want. Its like I can see 'all seasons in one day' or something. It's heavy. But its real.
Its like when you see those fast forward pictures of a bowl of fruit. There is a beginning, a middle and an end. I like seeing the bowl of fruit when it is plump and ripe. I feel a bit sad when it is all grey mush. But that is how life is. I accept it, but I do not like it.

I have a background of death and loss, so I have always found it easy to anticipate those things, but this is different. The only way I can describe it as 'all seasons in one day' or something. It's only something that has developed in the last 2 years or so. Its REALLY heavy! But I'm glad I can 'see' it, whatever that means. I would describe it as a feeling more than anything. I have no desire to know exactly when things will happen. This is more a general overview of impermanence, experienced in a feeling way.

The practical reality is that I suppose I am coming to terms for the first time, not with the fear of death and loss, because that's an old 'tape', but of the NORMAL EVENTUAL LOSS OF ALL THINGS, good and bad, even in the VERY BEST HOPED FOR CIRCUMSTANCES.

In the past I would think of loss and endings as something that happened 'when things went WRONG'. Now things are going 'right' for me, and it has just dawned on me that ENDINGS WILL STILL OCCUR, even though everything is 'right' and I could ask for nothing more'. It's weird.

Before, when there was crisis after crisis, I 'dreamed' that a time would come when I would 'reach dry land', find a 'safe place', where I would be safe from the ravages of painful or cruel circumstances. I never knew that the pain of loss WOULD STILL HAPPEN, in fact it would feel WORSE, because you would TRULY be losing something of GREAT value, should my life and the circumstances change for the better.
It REALLY hurts when you have something valuable and you KNOW the limits of being human. That you will invariably do things you think are INCREDIBLY STUPID (in hindsight of course!) That you will hurt the ones you love, that you will fail MANY people, who you could have helped. That there will be SO MANY FLAWS AND MISTAKES that you CANNOT TAKE BACK, and that hurt other people.
Personally, I don't mind hurting people that were never very nice to begin with!, but I HATE that I cannot prevent myself from doing things that hurt people I admire.

I know there will come a time, when I can wear this 'truth' joyfully and happily 'like a loose garment', because I have seen it done by accomplished monastics. And I have 'digested big chunks of truth about myself' on MANY occasions already. Like when I first realized I was an alcoholic! I didn't like that much either at first!

This is all just about coming to terms with the unflattering limits of being a TERRIBLY FALLIBLE human, and the eventual loss of even the most wonderful and ideal circumstances. Like I say, I've seen this done by wiser people than myself, so I know it is possible. But it is an UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH. Its like breaking in a new pair of shoes, Eventually, the shoes will feel ok.

There is a grieving process that occurs when you 'see' reality and are forced to let go of an old 'fantasy'. It breaks your heart. And I have NO intention of being numb, so I will feel EVERYTHING.

My NEW 'truth' is:
Even when you have the most wonderful life, loss and decay ARE PART OF THAT PICTURE. So are the REAL hurts you inflict, knowingly or unknowingly, along the way. There is NOTHING you can do about this to make it 'less'. It will hurt. A LOT. When the time comes and the truth is revealed to you.
Choosing to enter into a 'good' life RESPONSIBLY, means ACCEPTING that and not 'taking it personally' or blaming or hating life for having 'failed' you when these things DO occur. There IS no 'ideal' set of circumstances that will protect you from this loss.

My 'punctured fantasy' is:
'If something really great came along. It would last forever, because it would be so 'good', it would be 'nice'. Not 'real'.
There would be less pain, because it 'worked' so well. Grief and loss, would be like an 'old chapter' you had left behind. It would be a safe refuge.'

The reason I need to learn this is:
Having experienced dealing with death, threat of death, and painful rejections growing up, I am VERY frightened of ANOTHER 'bereavement' or loss. My 'protection' is to stay emotionally 'at arms length' because I fear I will not 'survive' ANOTHER loss. It will be 'the straw that breaks the camels back'. Loss feels (for me) like annihilation. So I 'stay out'. Uninvolved.
Unfortunately I cannot FULLY participate in life if I am afraid to risk the disappointment of wanting something more than ANYTHING and at some point later losing that thing.
So in order to FULLY FUNCTION emotionally, I have to accept the reality of loss and risk the pain of disappointment. Even though it is VERY !!!! UNCOMFORTABLE. (That's why the monks say one of the most VALUABLE things you can develop in your practice is PATIENT ENDURANCE.)

The solution? (in terms of practical action)
I need to not be afraid to want something with all my heart, knowing I may NEVER 'have' it.
I need to not 'hold back' for fear of being hurt or disappointed.
I need to not be afraid of the feelings that accompany eventual loss of ALL things.
I need to resist the urge to protect myself emotionally with a wall of 'impartiality' or 'reasonableness'
I need to not hide behind 'serenity' as a way of disguising emotional un-involvement.
I need to not remain unaffected, indifferent or cut off from my feelings and call it being 'accepting' or 'serene'.
I need to understand that loss has a NATURAL and RIGHTFUL place in the very healthiest and best possible lives. And that the grieving process is NOT LESS heartbreaking because it is is experienced in a wonderful set of circumstances. I CANNOT realistically 'escape' this feeling, even when I do a LOT right.
I need to stop equating loss with 'failure', and a 'sick' life. Loss belongs to EVERY walk of life. The sick, and the incredibly healthy.
I need to not be afraid of hoping, and having those hopes dashed. I have to be willing to endure the pain of having my hopes crushed.

In the buddhist wheel of life, this is called 'finding your REAL refuge. There is NO refuge in worldly things. All is impermanent. The only permanence is in what sumedho calls the 'deathless realm'. The gates to the deathless'.
The 'answer' is non attachment to worldly things and taking refuge in 'the deathless'. I kind of thought I was doing that already, but the more I cherish my life, the more tough this reality becomes. It tears at my heartstrings, but I think this is healthy. To care for the things in your life and mourn their passing.

Basically loss IS A PART OF LIFE. It is not just something that happens when you are on a path of self destruction using alcohol and negative thinking. It is JUST AS REAL and has a RIGHTFUL PLACE in even the most blissful of circumstances. Even the prettiest garden holds the shadow of death. That is how it is supposed to be. This is what I am coming to terms with now.

Here Is a passage that I have been thinking about a lot lately, which I think sums up what I think I am in the process of learning. Its from a passage about the Buddhist wheel of life' on this webpage

Human Realm:
Characterized by:- Desire; Freedom of choice; Dissatisfaction.
"I don't want this, 1 want that".
In the Human Realm there is the constant attempt to maximise pleasure and minimise pain. But we find that no pleasure can be made permanent, and the unpleasant cannot always be avoided. We vacillate between the four pairs of opposites - gain & loss, fame & disgrace, praise & ridicule, elation & sorrow. This vacillation can lead to frustration which in turn may raise the question, "What is there that will truly satisfy?" It is this which motivates the religious quest. And so this realm is considered to be the best one for religious training. The Buddha in this Realm appears as a Monk to show beings the possibility of the religious path, the way of non-attachment.
Consider: Pursuit of the pleasurable, avoidance of the unpleasant; The ups and downs of our ordinary daily lives; No sooner is the desired thing gained than it begins to be scorned; The life of the monk;

Anyway I post this because I like finding identification, and I think It is a useful picture to those that are planning on doing some heavy step 11 practice later on, because It gives you an idea of the emotional condition one can find oneself in at a later stage in recovery, WHEN YOU ARE REMAINING 'OPEN' TO NEW AND UNCOMPROMISING TRUTHS. We are ALL a work in progress. This particular 'lesson' is a very uncomfortable one for ME because of my background of loss and disappointment. We all have slightly different backgrounds so this may not apply to you at all. But I just thought I'd put it out there in case anyone sees something they didn't already see.
Also I could never really explain this properly in a meeting, and I benefit from explaining my inner processes to others. This blog is a better platform for sharing this type of information than a meeting. I LOVE explaining my 'inner work' to others as it helps me clarify what I am learning. It ALL helps!

By the way if you are new, this 'heavy' stuff is OK. It will not make me drink because I choose to stay in FIT SPIRITUAL CONDITION. So do not be concerned, or think I cannot handle this. I CAN. It's just it's an uncomfortable !! stage of growth. That's all. Like discovering you are an alcoholic, but different.

Ok That's it! Hey, now you know why I NEED to stay in good humor! This is just one of many 'themes' I am 'processing' at the moment. I have plenty others! Hahaaa. Jeez. If you didn't know me you would think I was a miserable cow! I can assure you I am not!. Right I'm off. Have a FABULOUS weekend! The weather is truly GLORIOUS over here!

Does 'pain', or unfavorable circumstances, (past or present), put you at risk of drinking?

I have (former) Sponsees who have had VERY painful interpretations of their past, and 'heavy' baggage to process. Plus some very REAL 'challenges' in recovery!! (Not abuse issues, they belong to the 'drinking years!'}
'Painful' issues as regard to the distant drinking past can include, broken hearts, violence, physical and sexual abuse. Parental cruelty and neglect.
Current challenges can include career and scary financial issues. Serious illness, dealing with former abusive partners in separation wrangles. Anything really!
You name it! But they do NOT find themselves thinking of drinking. Even the ones with previously HEAVY drinking patterns.

I see 'pain' and the desire to drink as TWO SEPERATE THINGS.
One says a lot about the things you learned in step 4 and how you take inventory on a daily basis.
The other says a lot about now much you are helping newcomers. And weather you have REALLY learned how to help them.

I have often said to Sponsees who are CONVINCED their CIRCUMSTANCES mean they have no choice but to 'suffer', and mentally deteriorate..

"Some of us have taken VERY hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job, wife or no wife, we simply do NOT stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people (places and things) ahead of dependence on God" p98

"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead." p14

"Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics." p89

"We CANNOT subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us." p113

"It is a design for living that WORKS in ROUGH going." p15

"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an ALCOHOLIC MIND; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!" p101

Feeling sorry for yourself? Shame you missed the Paul Abbott interview on Radio 4..

I heard this interview . on BBC Radio 4 yesterday (you have to click on the Desert Island Discs title to see it) and it made me think of a few things..

Ok, so he's still got issues, has chosen a 'godless' life and is reliant on medication and what have you, but there is still a LOT to learn from this story.
I am a sort of magpie, in that I am interested in Everyone's story in case there' something there that I can learn from it. There are many things in his story which are polar opposites to my coping mechanisms, but I find aspects of his story very interesting.

Firstly, it is his writing that 'saved' him. he says in the interview that he would die if he could not write every day.
I feel the same way about service as he does about writing. I simply cannot imagine not contributing in some small form every day. My soul would wither and die. Service keeps me afloat.

Secondly, It reminded me what 'beauty' there is in suffering. I know it sounds crazy, but I see great ''beauty' in suffering. I see something like that in Johnny Depp, and the LOVELY old actor in the film the Straight Story, and Thich Nhat Hanh and whatever the thing 'is' that I 'see' in them, it is very beautiful.
Anyway I saw an element of the same thing in this guy Paul Abbot. Obviously people have different ways they deal with their suffering, Thich Nhat Hanh has a more elegant way of dealing with it than Paul abbot does, but they have both got suffering written on their hearts.

Basically, what I'm saying is that I think terrible suffering really does bring us closer to god, like Mother Theresa used to say. I think people who have had terrible experiences AND USE THEM TO GOOD EFFECT, have an opportunity to 'grow along spiritual lines' that other people with 'easier' lives simply do not have. Its like god gave you a bigger set of weights in the gym to work with, and as a result, you have stronger spiritual muscles.All I know is that I am often drawn to people who have had really difficult experiences, and I can feel there is something lacking when I am with people who haven't had tough things. Don't get me wrong, I find that EVERYONE has a story that would break your heart, but I'm not talking about those.
Basically, it is a blessing to have terrible thing happen, as it means we are more likely to need to find solutions, and I think it makes people more attractive.

There was loads of other interesting stuff, his constructive use of anger etc, but I won't mention them all as it would just take too long.

It's such a pain but I've just found out you can't listen to this online!!
The extra bits are, He hated being with his family so much, he ASKED to be taken into care, but was refused. He was brutally raped at 14 and then tried to kill himself by jumping off a multi storey car park, but instead managed to break a leg. Because there was nobody he could talk to, he was unable to talk about the rape till he was married at 28. He still thinks about suicide regularly because he is bi polar, but his love for his family and kids keeps him going. He is TOTALLY in love with his wife of 18yrs and loves her more as time goes on. His kids are in GREAT shape, and one is a GREAT drummer. I found the story heartbreaking AND heartwarming. He HAS to write every day. It is his lifeline. By pure fluke, he managed to write for radio, otherwise god knows what would have happened to him. He chose some GREAT tracks as well. The Roberta Flack one, was in reference to his wife and kids which was very moving.

From the Radio 4 webpage.
"He was driven to write as a response to the chaotic and traumatic childhood he’d suffered. One of eight children, both parents had left the family home by the time he was eleven, leaving his older sister to bring them up. They had a near feral existence, and lived, says Paul, like rats. At fifteen he attempted suicide and ended up in a psychiatric ward. After that, without wanting to or really being aware it was happening, he wrote as a way of letting out the rage he felt inside him."

'Seeing through a glass darkly': Limits of reasoning. Unknowns and Uncertainties. Projections.

Needing to be be reassured by some kind of reasoning to make sense of reality is very limited as most of our reasoning, no matter how plausible and cogent, is really at best only a half truth. 'we see through a glass darkly' as they say.
As for being uncomfortable with unanswerable questions and uncertainties. well that would be problematic too, as life is quite simply chock-full of those!
Acceptance of the unknown and uncertain is invaluable if you are planning on being comfortable in your own skin for very long.

It's ALL just our 'projections' we see. NOT reality.
It would be a VERY different world if we could see things as they ARE, instead of how we THINK they are.
Trust me. We'd ALL get a few surprises! To say the least.

We see, not what is in front of us, but pretty much what we WANT TO SEE. Basically ALL perception is HIGHLY suspect. We end up filtering reality, so that what we see only confirms our pet theories. It takes a brave soul to question perception and maintain awareness of our biases in relation to what we WANT to see.
The pet theory is a VERY strong mindset. We all have our own cosy little ideologies of some sort or another. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong in a completely disastrous way. And most of the time we cannot tell which is which. In hindsight yes. But certainly not before.
So all I'm saying is don't be so sure that the approach you are using and the beliefs you are using as benchmarks are right, or reliable. They may not be.

Delusion is a BIG part of the mind and we NEVER outgrow it, so its no big deal. Denial and delusion is kept alive ONLY by dishonesty. Which is effectively a SELECTIVE interpretation of events, in favor of our own (usually ego feeding) pet theories.
All bias is a form of dishonesty, and denial is an extreme position of bias. We are seeing things ONLY as WE want to see them. Regardless of how glaringly obvious it is to everyone else that we are out of touch with reality!
Unfortunately denial is an 'invisible' weakness to whomever is suffering from it, so they will have NO idea they are in denial. Even if everyone else can see it. 'Its a disease that tells you you don't have it'.

I think this is why the big book tells us our greatest weapon against 'grave mental and emotional disorders' is HONESTY.
Honesty works against both delusion and denial, and enables us to see things slightly more clearly. no matter how uncomfortable that reality is. I don't think we would have the courage to see things like that without a higher power. I know I couldn't. My higher power is a rock amongst all this uncertainty and delusion. At least one of us has a clue what's what!

I only thought of this as I was explaining to a former Sponsee the other day that its actually very healthy to see how WRONG we have been about things for so long. Needless to say, she wasn't experiencing very 'pleasant' emotions at the time!, but I think she could tell, deep down, that what was happening to her was actually very healing, even though it felt uncomfortable. I call these moments 'Step one moments', when 'more is revealed'. Its very humbling!! Very ego puncturing! And often just sad. Thank god a lot of this happens only after step 9! `I just don't think people are ready to see this stuff till then, and certainly without the support of a comforting and informed step 11 practice.
This is why I say in the opening bit 'about me', that I am COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE.

I promise I WILL get round to cheerier subjects at some point!! I only mention this because I have been encountering this with people at the moment!! That's all! I COMPLETELY forget about these little jigsaw pieces of my recovery to date, until some person jogs my memory about something I haven't got round to explaining on this darned blog, that's all..

Becoming a 'Strong Vessel': Increasing your capacity for holding very powerful (good and bad) mind states in consciousness, without going mad!

Becoming a 'Strong Vessel' is like weightlifting, in that you steadily increase your capacity for ALL shades of emotional 'pressure'

Another guiding principle I use is contained in the poem by Thich Nhat Hanh called 'Call Me By My True Names', where he says,

'My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans.'

What he is describing is not so much a 'swinging' mood, rather than a coexisting one. That's my interpretation anyway. Having seen him in person on various retreats he certainly does not appear on the surface to show any 'mood' as such other than benevolence. I think all senior monks and some lay practitioners develop a very strong 'constitution' for holding very powerful (good and bad) mind states in consciousness, which would drive the likes of you and me a bit (!!!) mad. it takes many years, sometimes many lifetimes to build up that kind of resilience and steadiness of the mind. The more they develop their practice, the more they can withstand HUGE emotional pressure. Its a bit like weightlifting, but with powerful or compelling emotions instead of weights. in that the more you practice, the bigger the weights you can lift with ease. From what I've been told anyway..!! They are VERY peculiar animals indeed, those monks.

'Steady containment' is what I call enlightenment

STEADY CONTAINMENT is (what I call) the 'ninja' way of holding (what can be VERY !!!!) unpleasant emotions in consciousness WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.
Steady containment is what I call enlightenment.

(The other way I have heard this described is as 'Becoming a strong vessel'. Its sort of similar and I might explain that more in another post.)

It is a place in the mind where there is PEACE OF MIND in the presence of ALL SHADES OF EMOTION OR BEING. It is ALL ALRIGHT. There are NO BIG DEALS. That DOESN'T mean there is no emotion. That just means that ALL emotions are OK. They are DO-able. There is NO judgment or anxiety about them. It is essentially TOTAL ACCEPTANCE of the HUMAN CONDITION. The 'normal' aspects and the 'weird' indescribable, and unfathomable aspects. There is acceptance of the UNKNOWN, and the anxiety that accompanies new growth when we embark on uncharted territory.

There is something INCREDIBLY tough about this type of mindset, but to describe it as 'tough' alone would be misleading, because it is also characterized as a terrible beauty or gentleness. It can be incredibly joyous. (See the Dalai Lama). Like when you see a great chef prepare a fabulous meal and make it look so natural and easy, monk-type-people make this joyous, balanced, non judgmental state look like a 'normal day'. No big deal. Par for the course.

That doesn't mean it is EASY for them. They are working INCREDIBLY hard, often in extremely difficult and uncharted territory. They are not pansies! They are going to ANY LENGTHS. Not a moment is wasted. They just don't make a 'big show' of all the effort they are making. That would be FAR to ego feeding. Like it says on the just for today card..

JUST FOR TODAY—I will exercise my soul in three ways: I will do somebody a good turn, and NOT GET FOUND OUT; if ANYBODY knows of it, it will not count. I will do at least two things I DON'T WANT TO DO—just for exercise. I will not show anyone that my feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today I will not show it

But to cultivate such a mind can be the result of many lifetimes work. Some are just born that way. But we all have the capacity to try to reach for a more balanced way of relating to our (seemingly IMbalancing) inner experiences.

This is a teaching that can only really be FELT as opposed to UNDERSTOOD. Often you need to be in the presence of a teacher. But it IS possible to 'connect' with a teacher through words and books. I find myself 'connecting' with Thich Nhat Hanh through his written word. But we do not really 'choose' our teachers. The choice is made for us, by the way we respond to each one. I have listed book recommendations and retreat centers that are reliable.

The Dalia lama teaches all over the world. So does Thich Nhat Hanh, and the Lazy Lama. They are all 'top dollar' I have their teaching schedule permanently featured in my links menu.
Also there is a fabulous monastery in redwood valley, California. Free to stay! As far as I know. Also thy may be able to recommend other good retreat centers in America. If you live over there.
http://www.abhayagiri.org/

This site shows you where the worldwide chain of monasteries of the Theravada tradition are (Which I am lucky enough to have on my doorstep). They (meaning the senior monks and nuns) know ALL the cool meditation places to go. If I need any 'leads' this is where I go to get info. Why? Because they are WESTERN. A person who grew up in Thailand (for instance) has a completely different set of emotional programming than myself as a result of their cultural conditioning. Just look at the difference between the way the local populace responded to the Tsunami as compared to the way the locals responded to the Katrina in New Orleans. I rest my case..
http://www.forestsangha.org/

Its no different than doing AA. You could never 'learn' AA without going to meetings could you? You need to SEE the people face to face to believe it. Well the same is true about this. You learn it much more powerfully if you can find a person that you can be in the same room as who has this quality. That's why I tell Sponsees to go on retreat after step 9, so they can see a whole new 'WAY OF BEING' demonstrated by these types of people. The skills they have go FAR above what can be seem in an AA room. But perhaps if enough AA's supplement their programme with a highly developed step 11 practice, then these skills might filter into AA rooms. I DO know that my (former) Sponsees appear to be learning this lesson pretty well. The ones that have gone on retreats anyway. Some retreats are utter rubbish by the way. Organized by charlatans! Not ALL retreats are good! Some are just not very good, and will only really do a half baked job, or will just be too tough, or imbalanced in the areas of development. You need all round skills really. 'Heart' practice and 'collecting/ quieting the mind' practice

Right I'm off! Too long. Gym, Library, the usual!!!
Hope you are all well and all that... Thanks for everything. You are a pretty cool bunch!

The 'North Face' NEVER goes away, so learn to enjoy the journey ANYWAY

We ALL have our mountains to climb. It is all just part of life. You get used to accepting the reality of that after a while. There will ALWAYS be some sort of (what I call) 'north face' to deal with. It's just the aspect of the north face changes from year to year. sometimes its work, sometimes its relationship, sometimes its spiritual growth, sometimes its about where we live, sometimes it's the way we relate to AA, or the programme of AA. It's always something!
Once you get used to the idea that there will ALWAYS be challenging and confronting work to do, it makes it easier to try to enjoy the journey by doing stuff to make it fun. What I mean is once you get used to the idea that we are never 'cured' of the difficulties of life, you stop resenting it, and learn to try to enjoy the bittersweet journey.
It is always possible to access joyful mind states if we have wholesome things in our lives. good people, good spiritual practice, and ANYTHING that makes us feel good to be alive. Just looking at a flower will bring up feelings of joy. The trick is incorporating these aspects into our lives, to work against the necessary challenges we have to make in order to move forwards in our lives. We cant just do 'serious' growth work all the time. We'd drive ourselves mad if we did! We have to have SOME fun. There's a lot of mucky work to do, so if we don't experience real joy in some form or other, the task will become overwhelming. So eating well, exercise, and rest, and fun stuff are vital in order to keep yourself going.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

The reason I mention this is because some people think that when things are going 'wrong' that this means that they are 'off course'. They aren't. (Well sometimes they are, but that's another story!) But usually it is just your 'next lesson' in life. No you are NOT mad, 'wrong', about to drink, etc etc. you are just human and these are LIFE LESSONS. And no amount of attendance in AA meetings will make them disappear!!!
This is what being a human being is all about! Its a LEARNING PROCESS! And the lessons can often feel very personal. That's probably because they are! There is NOTHING wrong with this.
When you are REALLY new, the lessons can sometimes be very obvious and easy to fix, but that's what sponsors are for. After step 9, they can be a little bit more perplexing to solve! But that's life! Its just the deal with being a human being. Nothing to be concerned about. What I mean is that the 'North face' is NO BIG DEAL. It is NOT necessary to have an ANXIOUS relationship towards it. You can be accepting and peaceful about the 'north face'.

(I might add, if you feel like crap but you have not done the first 9 steps, or have a sponsor, or go to meetings, then the reason you feel lousy is because you are not working the programme!!!! This post addresses those who ARE following AA suggestions, but think they are getting it wrong because they experience difficulty sometimes.)

Right I'm off to the gym then library!! I am skiving by going online!! I shouldn't really be posting! Nice to see you all and thank you for your kind and supportive comments!

Gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight

'You can't control what comes into your head, but you CAN control how you deal with it'

'Right slap bang in the middle of a contradiction' was a phrase I heard Bono use in an interview, and I like these lyrics as an interpretation of where we can be in our heads, as we truly are POWERLESS over what comes into them. The only thing we can HOPE to control is how we decide to deal with it. I suppose I just love any description of the spiritual struggle toward recovery/enlightenment which includes all the ugly, disturbed bits of the mind. I'm just no good at wimpy, 'fluffy' spirituality. I like mine gritty and real. With all the lumps and bumps included! The other side of the spiritual life is equally real, the weird, peaceful, 'spaced out' part. But I get a bit annoyed when people only describe that one side of the coin, the 'wafty, esoteric' bit, when there is this other 'dark' side as well. Its what they call the 'shadow' if you ever get round to reading any Robert Bly. The shadow doesn't negate the positive aspects of the mind, but it IS there, and failure to acknowledge it can lead to all sorts of problems. I'm a strong believer in learning about shadow work in recovery. After step 9 anyway.
Who knows why I like what I do, but I do know I love this song, and it felt very satisfying to listen to it today on my ipod.
Because we are all in a constant, utterly uncontrollable state of change, the only thing we really can look to as being a constant in our lives is our higher power. I have always liked thinking of my higher power as love, (amongst other things), so these lyrics fit my concept of a HP.

U2 Lyrics: God Part II
Don't believe the devil, I don't believe his book
But the truth is not the same without the lies he made up
I don't believe in excess, success is to give
I don't believe in riches, but you should see where I live
I... I believe in love

Don't believe in forced entry, I don't believe in rape
But every time she passes by, wild thoughts escape
I don't believe in death row
skid row or the gangs
Don't believe in the Uzi, it just went off in my hands
I... I believe in love

Don't believe in cocaine, I got a speedball in my head
I could cut and crack you open... did you hear what I said?
Don't believe them when they tell me there ain't no cure
The rich stay healthy, the sick stay poor
I... I believe in love

I don't believe in Goldman, his type like a curse
Instant karma's gonna get him, if I don't get him first
I don't believe that Rock 'N Roll can really change the world
As it spins in revolution, spirals and turns
I... I believe in love

I don't believe in the 60's, in the golden age of pop
You glorify the past, when the future dries up
I heard a singer on the radio late last night
Says he's gonna kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight*
I... I believe in love

I feel like I'm falling
like I'm spinning on a wheel
It always stops beside a name, a presence I can feel
I... I believe in love
-for John Lennon

*Bruce Cockburn

My (all learned as opposed to original) ideas of what constitutes a balanced attitude to difficult emotions

The 'rule' I learned from a senior monk that I use is: 'Neither repression nor indulgence'. stated by the monk as 'We walk a fine line between repression and indulgence'.
Another guiding principle I use is contained in the poem by Thich Nhat Hanh called 'Call Me By My True Names', where he says,

'My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans.'

I think this is pretty accurate as (in my opinion) we all share the 'collective unconscious' which contains ALL emotions. Besides, we are all hopelessly interconnected anyway, so we cannot help but experience the limitless collective emotional experience, good bad and ugly.

But even if you choose to view it from a purely personal historical perspective, we can all still access limitless sources of pain and joy if we so choose by selective focus on different glass half full/ half empty perspectives.

I suppose my favorite summary of the incredible 'flexibility' of the mind is in the slogan 'You MOVE TOWARDS, and BECOME LIKE, THAT WHICH YOU THINK ABOUT, whether it is good for you, or bad for you'.

This seems to be true on EVERY level for me. Both in a very worldly practical sense, and in an utterly inexplicable 'other' worldly sense.
I have Sponsees with pretty disturbed pasts, and they are able to feel real joy in their hearts 'provided they remain willing to follow a few simple rules'. So you CAN have peace of mind, no matter what your history. Thank god this programme goes FAR beyond logic in it's application..

Basically, you can feel your feelings without letting them 'run the show' or be 'in charge'. It takes a bit of practice though, as we tend to clumsily veer toward imbalanced viewpoints. Like any skill, it gets better with practice!