They F*** You Up by Oliver James

They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life by Oliver James
I saw this the other day and bought it. It's a good un.
I must admit, I like Oliver James. I like Philip Hodson too. Whatever. This is a good book.

If you had dodgy parents, you MUST read it. It doesn't change anything as such, but it maps out some menta and emotional responses to abusive or negligent situations. Gives you a rough guide as to what you are up against. Without self awareness, you really are sc*ewed.
Awareness is the way out. So inform yourself as to how you are habitually getting in the way of your own sanity, and it will be a DARN site easier to act differently.
I don't see this as an 'answer' as such, just a useful roadmap, that informs me which is the best road to take. It is a good observation of the human condition. Read, and learn.
Knowledge is power. It is no substitute for a spiritual life, or of 'constant thought of others', but in order to behave well, it IS necessary to INFORM ourselves. Not in order to feel sorry for ourselves, but to understand ourselves better, with the aim of avoiding some of the more predictable booby traps. Education is a good thing. Anything that shows us our demons is a good thing. We need to be able to see them in order to overcome them. We cannot fight what we cannot see.

Right I better be off. Have a nice Tuesday!

Difficult family members? Try treating them like a newcomer

I still have a long way to go with my parents. Generally, I try to do the right thing, but my emotions can still be very uncomfortable and messy about them. I try to heal my emotions by trying to be helpful to them in whatever way I can, which might not be very much.

For me, the attitude that seems to work best is if I think of them as newcomers. as in AA newcomers.
For some reason I don't recall ever thinking of them as 'adults' in the proper sense. Hard to explain, but I saw myself as more 'grown up' than them. Not that they are incompetents. Far from it. Just that I saw them as ? Infants or something.

Whatever. I find that if I think of them as newcomers then I am able to be more compassionate toward them. But I am also more vulnerable (in a good way), than I ever have been before, and so I can experience a lot of powerful emotion about realizations of failed expectations.

The more I experience kindness, love and acceptance in recovery, the more I see the missing bits of the jigsaw, so that's why grieving tends to accompany healing developments in recovery. Of which there are many. I know they regret the past, and try to do better, but I still see them as very limited in their ability to do the right thing, and my emotions are much closer to the surface than they ever were before, so it can feel overwhelming dealing with the consequences of the baggage.

Whatever. It gets better as they say. I like being able to feel stuff, as its so easy to be in denial. Sounds crummy, but for me this is 'getting better'. Its progress for me anyway.

Abusive behavior: Taking the blame is the EASY way out

That's a classic. Taking the blame is the easy way out, as it sidesteps having to face reality and come to terms instead with the grieving process and all those ! unpleasant feelings. Basically its NOT honest, its delusional really.
Its 'standard issue' to adopt this outlook to just about every form of abuse as it enables the sufferer to have a sense of control in a world which they have no control over.
With time, and courage, and the ability to be 'comfortable being uncomfortable', the grieving process can be faced HONESTLY and ELEGANTLY. The required skill is 'patient endurance'.

Correction!: Abuse responses

Upon reflection, I can see I was describing ONE common response to abuse. As opposed to a universal response. Also it was a bit confusing because I mixed it up with some other ideas, like the hungry ghost thing. So in the interests of clarity...
People who have been abused end up all different.
Some are prickly and defensive, some are doormats incapable of enforcing boundaries. Some think its ALWAYS their fault when a relationship goes wrong. That all they need to do is 'try harder'. Others are bitter and always blame the OTHER person, even when they themselves have behaved ! terribly. And mostly there are elements of both, as so many of us are a bunch of contradictions anyway, and swing from one to the other in a completely irrational way.

So there Is a broad range of types. So the guarded, defensive, untrusting type is just ONE response to abuse. The less socially skilled tend to be outwardly guarded, defensive, untrusting. The others with a bit more restraint or impulse control, might be EQUALLY guarded, defensive, untrusting, but it would not be nearly so evident. You might only get to see that when they are ambushed by triggers from within a relationship. As opposed to observing them in their day to day dealing with others.

So basically one is FAR TOO defended. And the other is NOT NEARLY defended enough!
The boundary-less person needs to learn to stop getting trampled on. We could call them the gullible, trusting types. Far too 'open'. Not 'contained' enough!
And the too-defended person needs to learn to STOP expecting EVERYONE to trample all over them! We can call them the 'suspicion at all times' type. Either too 'cut off' emotionally, or too 'contained'.

For what it's worth, I'm DEFINITELY the 24hr HYPER-vigilance type! As neurosis goes, it has its uses. I do not have the 'extreme cleaning' neurosis, (shame!) or the overachieving neurosis, (bummer!) but I DO have the 'hyper vigilance' neurosis. This comes in VERY handy when it comes to ANY form of contingency planning, and troubleshooting, and risk assessment. If you need anyone to do that stuff. Ask me! As it comes VERY naturally. I can EFFORTLESSLY identify EVERY possible risk, loophole and danger you have overlooked. I think I'm very 'survivor' orientated. Not in a wild eyed slightly crazy way! (As that would increase risk by attracting dodgy attention) But more like I'm very good at scanning the horizon for every unnoticed risk. I can spot a crazy person in the street from 100 paces. I sort of am familiar with danger, and expect it so I never have any trouble noticing where it might arise.

Basically I'm the opposite of a trusting gullible person, or bold risk taking entrepreneur type. Yes I do get caught out. But not very often. I have only had a bag stolen once. Put it this way. I can walk around most parts of London past all kinds of hoods and weirdoes and feel safe. I can walk past gangs of drug dealers at 3 in the morning on my own and feel safe. I think that is a bit unusual for women. I like to think I can 'out-psych hoods' who try to intimidate me. I have learned (from the old drinking days) how to never show fear when with dodgy people.
Yeah but the DOWN side of this is that trust is !!! Very difficult! Ima LOT better than I was, but I still have to ignore residual 'alarm bells' when dealing with 'good' people, who inadvertently set off a 'danger' trigger.

Phew. Hope that's a bit clearer!

Trust issues: Letting my guard down COMPLETELY

Everyone is different, but I have a !! LOT of work to do in the area of trust, so I just thought I would share some stuff with you..

I STILL find it hard to relax and trust that I will not 'fall' in the presence of unconditional love. Being UTTERLY undefended still feels ! scary, as I spent many years of my life (quite rightly!) looking over my shoulder in unprotected, unpredictable and edgy surroundings. Its a hard habit to break!

The only way 'out' for me is to trust that 'Feelings aren't facts'. And that even though it FEELS like instant annihilation looms if I so much as leave my guard down for a ! MOMENT, that it is just my old conditioning playing tricks with me. Its pretty uncomfortable work though! Allowing myself to trust feels like I am standing in the path of an oncoming juggernaut! Not nice! Even when I KNOW my feelings are NOT reality, it STILL feels like a waking nightmare when I try to 'stand firm' and not 'withdraw' emotionally to a 'guarded' position. The only way to 're-programme' myself is to not 'run' and wait till the emotions subside. I don't know what its like for others but I have quite ! Severe trust issues, so my emotional work can seem very demanding at times. But I don't mind. The end justifies the means.

I have found I have to be willing to endure uncomfortable turmoil to 'see through it'. I just cannot make sense of it without 'seeing' it first hand. I have some sort of safe 'core' from which I observe these emotional reactions, So I'm not sure the same technique would work for newer people.

This type of trust work is a fairly recent thing for me. 2 years old or so. For some reason, my old programming is 'coming up' in a very clear and noticeable way. Its a blessing, as I can SEE what I am dealing with. I don't recall EVER being able to see these 'demons' as clearly as I have in the last 2 years or so. I'm very excited about where this work is taking me in regard to my ability to relate fearlessly and openly in relationships.

Although I cannot really tell, as I am not a mind reader, I think in comparison to others, I may ? actually be quite an emotionally damaged person. This is probably why I rely on the programme to the extent that I do. But who knows, its VERY difficult to be objective about these things, and holding that view reinforces my ego, or sense of 'small' self, so I tend not to like thinking along those lines.

(By the way, this post is NOT about learning to trust recklessly, with all and sundry! It refers to learning how to drop my guard in a SAFE context. So if you are new please don't think you should start trusting EVERYBODY. That is NOT what I am referring to here. Learning who you CAN entrust is actually a pretty sophisticated skill in itself.)

It's STILL very !! exasperating to be around STUBBORN denial in my Dad

Jeez. My dad STILL pisses me off! (sometimes!)
He's in complete denial.
I brought up something in passing I've thought about many times but didn't get round to saying and he did his 'usual'.
!!!!!
Its VERY exasperating!
I HATE illogical, skewed, entrenched mindsets!!
I have VERY little patience with denial in other people. And he is VERY entrenched in his 'head in the sand' view of this thing. He thinks my mother was 'the sanest of us all'. Just so you know. She was not even REMOTELY sane. In my opinion anyhow.
Dear God I've heard it all now.
!!!!!!!
He said he thought my view was DISTORTED. (!!!)
That really got my back up.
And he just wouldn't listen to ANY of my reasons why her being 'the sanest of us all', just MIGHT !!! not be the case, and volunteered to change the subject instead.
We agreed to disagree. As usual.
Anyway he's been living 'rent free in my head' for the last hour or so while I've been cleaning the kitchen.

I would SORELY love to talk some sense to him, but I do NOT want to WIND MYSELF UP by doing so. I have VERY little optimism regarding my ability to change his perspective, and I HATE exposing myself to such pitiful mental cowardice. It's just NOT worth it.

He is NEVER going to change.
He is in COMPLETE denial.
And I am NOT feeling GENEROUS enough to 'try to help him see it from another point of view'.

Sometimes I hate being 'the one who sees' things in my family. It's a BIG responsibility because in a way I get to control (via my efforts to communicate and explain what I have learned), how much others get to understand.
I have always felt like this. Since before I was five. I'm probably just feeling sorry for myself because sometimes I just want SOMEBODY else to 'pick up the slack'.

The GOOD news is, that even though (in my family) I have always felt the 'burden' of being kind of the 'ONLY sane one'. (Yeah I know that sounds arrogant, but it's the TRUTH about how I have always FELT.}
Well, like I say, even though I have felt like 'the person who 'sees' most' in the family since before I was five, and I get VERY tired of the isolation of that position sometimes.
Well OUTSIDE my family. Mostly in AA and the 'spiritual friends' I have met since recovery, I have been blessed with getting to know some of the the most wonderful 'elders' one could wish to meet. So in that respect I am EXTRAORDINARILY lucky.

I may be over dramatizing, but my family and my 'spiritual friends' can seem like utter, ! utter, opposites. Couldn't be more different.

So I suppose it's kind of swings and roundabouts.
I know enough about the flaws in perception to know that I may NEVER know 'what was what' in my family, but I must admit, that it is hard dealing with them sometimes. Basically, they are a bit toxic. A bit needy. I know they mean well, but I don't want to be around them very much at the moment.

Cool. Thank you for letting me get that off my chest! I feel better now!
I hate to speak like this because I think it could be interpreted as being VERY arrogant. But it was bugging me so I just thought I'd mention it.

Thank God !!! for our 'Spiritual family' That's all I can say!
Sorry for that uncharacteristic rant! But I actually feel MUCH better now, and you never know, it might be of use to someone else out there!

Notice who is offering you pears today

I loved this story so much from two dogs blogging , (Posted under the heading How full is your basket?) that I asked if I could post it here. I think it's marvelous.

Our minds have a very sort of 'car crash tv' slant, in that we morbidly get drawn to negativity, like when people slow down when they drive past a car crash. It's just a habit. Once you realize there IS this 'magnetic' pull of the mind toward black negativity, it's very easy to fix. The trick is to think about the solution instead of dwelling on the problem. That's how I see this story anyway. And in this case, the trick is to notice all the places that are providing the very thing you seek instead of focusing on a place where that need simply cannot be met.
I STILL have to keep moving my focus to the solution instead of the problem, but then these things are never cured, just managed, on a daily basis.

The aa slogan that I feel sums up what this passage has to say is:
The more you think about the problem, the bigger the problem gets. The more you think about the solution, the bigger the solution gets.

Anyway, thanks 2 dogs! And hope you like..

From two dogs blogging
I went to the women's meeting this morning and although there were only four of us there, I heard something that really struck home with me. One member talked about dealing with the pain in her early recovery of a mother who was never emotionally available to her. She received some wonderful advice from another recovering woman when she shared with her how her mother had never been there for her.

The woman she was talking to about her parent's lack of emotional availability said, "Dear, if someone is holding a basket of apples and you want a pear, they can't offer you a pear, they can only offer you an apple. God gives us what we need; it just may not come from people that we want or demand it should come from. If you keep your focus on having pears magically appear from your mom's basket of apples, you will miss the other women who come into your life bearing pears because your "vision" will focused on your mom. You won't be looking around for the multitude of places one can find pears."

Abuse and Trauma

These are some I have come up with. There are LOADS of books on abuse-type-stuff around now..There are some bestselling ones such as the lucky bones and Dave Pelzer though, so some are very good reads.
Its always good to understand more rather than less in regard to these things. I actually find it all very interesting, so its not such a big deal for me to read stuff like this. You don't need to have experienced this stuff in order to benefit from learning about it (in my opinion). Yes, some of it is pretty heavy, and parts of it will resonate with your own life, but it you are working hard at enjoying your life you won't get dragged down by these subject matters. If you have experienced any of these abuse types, then you DO need to get to know more about them. Go easy though. Do little bits at a time if its too heavy going for you. There's no hurry! Just do what you can, and keep going! You'll get there eventually!


The Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold
Lucky by Alice Sebold
Both great books and stories. But both of pretty bleak subjects. Easy reading though.

After Silence by Nancy Venable Raine This is a great novel just on its own.

Telling by Patricia Weaver Francisco

There are LOADS of books on acquaintance rape, date rape, and sexual abuse on amazon if you want to find out about that area.

Trauma and Recovery : From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Lewis Herman
This is a good book if you want to try to understand how trauma works. Or PTSD as they call it.

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis
I'm not a big fan of this book as I find it far too bleak and negative. I have to mention it though because there are so few books on this subject, so I'm stuck with this one to recommend.

Covert Incest is discussed in the book Silently Seduced: When Parents Make their Children Partners - Understanding Covert Incest by Kenneth Adams

Understanding a bit about physical Abuse. Violence
When Men Batter Women: New Insights into Ending Abusive Relationships
by Neil Jacobson, John Gottman

Choosing messed up partners generally
Women Who Love Too Muchby Robin Norwood

An insight into very bad childhood abuse and survival of it
A Child Called "It": One Child's Courage to Survive by Dave Pelzer
The Lost Boy: A Foster Child's Search for the Love of a Family by Dave Pelzer
A Man Named Dave: A Story of Triumph and Forgiveness by Dave Pelzer
Help Yourself: Finding Hope, Courage, and Happiness by Dave Pelzer

Surrogate parents. Books can show you what good parenting looks like

I mention these books more as a way of finding an insight into what GOOD parenting looks like. For me, I have had to learn how to 'parent myself' in recovery. And these books are a guiding light as to what I should be doing. Hard to describe but they show me what love looks like. Parental love, that is.
If you have not experienced good parenting, let these books be your teachers! Even if you have had GREAT parenting you will still LOVE the story about Forrest.

The Education of Little Tree by Forrest Carter
VERY BEAUTIFUL story of skillful parenting. A monk recommended it to me. It serves as a window into loving behavior. I found it very beautiful and moving. Heartfelt. Its fiction, written very powerfully.

Follow Your Heart by Susanna Tamaro
GREAT because she paints a picture of healthy motherly love. (in my opinion) If you had an absentee mother, this lets you feel what its like having a loving mother. A surrogate parent. Its also fiction, written very powerfully. Like borrowing a surrogate parent for the time it takes you to read the book.

See Jane Win: The Rimm Report on How 1,000 Girls Became Successful Women ~Sylvia Rimm,
Book about a survey into what parenting skils produce girls who turn into happy productive adults. The advice although intended for children is just as useful for adults. I found it useful to see what bits I had got 'right' in my childhood, and what bits were missing, and therefore needed to be 'bolted on' in adulthood.
For instance, there was a section on how to reward successes without breeding fear of failure, which was interesting. There are lots of pointers.

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
for a general roadmap of 'toxic' parental behavior. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the different forms of parental neglect or abuse. I think times have changed and most people are very aware of these behaviors now. But there's no harm in familiarizing yourself with these anyway.

Abuse and Trauma is referred to in another post. As well as loss of a parent. Here are the names of other posts.
After Step 9. Abuse and Trauma. Suggested Reading
After Step 9. Motherless Daughters. Suggested Reading

Motherless Daughters

Follow Your Heart by Susanna Tamaro
GREAT because she paints a picture of healthy motherly love.
Rispondimi. by Susanna Tamaro.
GREAT because she paints a picture of terrible loss, and neglect in a very beautiful innocent way. Very moving. Will make you weep!
Anything by Susanna Tamaro really..

Motherless Daughters: The Legacy of Loss by Hope Edelman
For women with absent mothers. This gives you a rough idea of how absent mothers affects girls development. A useful roadmap, but that's all. The aa programme is STILL the solution, but this helps you see where you got sidetracked

Type in Motherless and see what comes up in amazon and google