Boundaries: 'No' is a complete sentence

I love that thing "No is a complete sentence'. Always makes me laugh. sometimes I say no just for fun! heheh.

For me, saying no is often an 'act as if' thing, meaning there's still some sense of obligation lurking. I have guilt but I work HARD at ignoring it. I find once I am free of obligations, it dawns on me what a wise decision it was. I kind of grow into the decision or something.

I prefer to call this tendency 'caving in to peer pressure'. I always ORDER my Sponsees to be their own person if I take them on, as I can't stand working with wimpy compliant people. Apart form anything, it slows down their progress if they do. Therefore creating more work for me! which is never a good thing!

All I know is being an independent thinker and 'your own person' are SO important. Being a martyr doormat is VERY miserable.
I think I still do stuff to get approval or to be 'seen' to be doing good at something. But not a great deal. I think I'm a bit of a black sheep at heart and take a perverse pleasure in doing the opposite of what (I think) people expect me to. Still very reactive I know, but just in a different direction! Taking ones life back is a very worthwhile cause.

Integrity: DON'T follow the crowd. 'To thine own self be true'.

Conforming is EASY. It is living with integrity and authenticity that is extraordinarily difficult. So many people are on auto pilot, and don't even stop to ask themselves what they REALLY want. or what they REALLY believe to be true. I find being honest with myself one of the scariest things in the world. the answers I come up with about what is 'true' NEVER seem to gel with social norms. reality is VERY challenging! well that's what I find anyway.

A large part of being true to myself was talking inventory of my pride in the form of "what will people think of (the great) me?" in step 4. I was RIDDLED with it. Making that ego puncturing admission time after !! time, with seemingly endless resentments, made me NEVER want to think like that again. Now I REALLY notice when I find myself thinking that, and I cannot entertain its legitimacy. Step 4 (for me anyway) really 'put the boot in' to my defects of character. Just made it REALLY difficult to take the thinking the defects provoked with ANY seriousness whatsoever. So I think that's helped me disregard what other people think I 'ought' to be doing.

Really, its nobody's business but MINE what I am doing, just like its none of MY business, what everyone ELSE is doing.

WALK AWAY! Unless you have a heart of STONE, (or are completely NUMB), cruel words will ALWAYS hurt

Words can be INCREDIBLY hurtful. You can 'kill' with words. (Gossip in AA kills, for instance.)
It is VERY important to learn how to SKILFULLY AVOID argumentative and attacking comments, AND argumentative and attacking people.

When someone either thinks or says something POISONOUS toward us this is what is known as 'Psychic Attack'. Well I call it that anyway.
It can take the form of, Rant, bile, blame, digs, sarcasm, hurtful comments..

As part of taking care of myself I WALK AWAY from people who TRY to say toxic things to me. I simply DO NOT TALK to verbally attacking people. I do not know how NOT to be hurt by cruel words any more than I know how to NOT be hurt by a physical injury.
Unless you have a heart of STONE, (or are completely numb) cruel words will ALWAYS hurt.

Moral of the story? STICK WITH THE WINNERS.

And physically avoid verbal attacks when they arise unexpectedly.
ie just WALK AWAY or END THE PHONE CALL when they 'start up'. Or even better, when YOU CAN TELL THEY ARE ABOUT TO START UP but they haven't got round to saying anything poisonous YET.

There may be a temptation to 'address' their negativity, (to 'win a POINTLESS argument' as they say in the 12x12) but it is MUCH easier just to STAY AWAY.

Regarding 'arguments' and disagreement generally..
"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it."

"That's the thing about faith. If you don't have it you can't understand it. And if you do, no explanation is necessary. -- Major Kira Nerys

“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
St. Thomas Aquinas quotes (Scholastic philosopher and theologian, 1225-1274)

“For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't understand, no explanation is possible”

I do NOT try to 'convert' people to 'my way of thinking'.
It is NOT my problem, if they want to believe negative things!!!
I am under NO obligation to 'fix' them. Besides, it take FAR too much energy!

To me, all 'arguments' are essentially about a lack of faith in the other person. An EGO BATTLE of sorts. (Well that's how I interpret them in the role of sponsor anyway.) Outside that , I don't really know as I just do not find myself 'arguing' with people not in AA, because it is just too draining a form of communication for me. Life is too short.

This is basically another version of practicing 'Stick with the winners'.
Its probably one the MOST important things to do in recovery.
Negativity IS contagious. So is positivity.

Calling all DOORMATS: Don't confuse being DEFENSIVE and SHIRTY with 'Sticking up for yourself'

Doormats (ie people who LACK ASSERITVENESS SKILLS) nearly ALWAYS have a problem with ANGER. Especially when they begin to realize they are being doormats.
Women can be the WORST offenders in this category. Not always. But its a common mistake I see women making.
Sort out your anger ladies!!! Life is TOO SHORT!!!

'Proper' assertiveness is VERY CALM. Not NEUROTIC, or AGITATED.
There should be no RANCOUR, no ARSY-NESS, no BLAME, no PERSECUTION COMPLEX, no IMAGINED ATTACKS.
Just a sincere desire to re-establish arrangements in such a way as to cause least friction.
If you are full of resentment. SAY NOTHING!! You will only say something that makes you look like an uptight old bag. Which is not attractive I can tell you!
So, if you are angry, stay away till you have stopped frothing at the mouth!, and then ask politely for a different arrangement.
I've seen this SO many times with women that perceive themselves to have been 'victims' and want to try to be attentive.
Rome wasn't built in a day. Like any new skill, you will do it BADLY to begin with. But don't worry, you'll get better!

What assertiveness isn't:
Defensive. Aggressive. Shirty. Agitated, Rancor, Accusatory. Sarcastic. Blaming. Indignant. Pissed off. Narky. Arsey. Smart ass. Flustered. Knickers in a twist. Frothing at the mouth.

What assertiveness is:
Calm. Un neurotic. Clear. Unflustered

Here's some definitions:

Defensive:
excessively concerned with guarding against the real or imagined threat of criticism, injury to one's ego, or exposure of one's shortcomings.
Psychology Constantly protecting oneself from criticism, exposure of one's shortcomings, or other real or perceived threats to the ego.

Shirty: Bad-tempered; irritable; cranky.

Sarcasm
Sarcasm is SNEERING, jesting, or MOCKING a person, situation or thing. It is strongly associated with irony, with some definitions classifying it as a type of verbal irony INTENEDED TO INSULT OR WOUND -- stating the opposite of the intended meaning, e.g. using "that's amazing" to mean "that's awful". It is used in a humorous manner, often harshly, and is expressed through vocal intonations such as over-emphasizing the actual statement or particular words. Use of sarcasm is sometimes viewed as an expression of CONCEALED ANGER

Assertiveness:
As a communication style and strategy, assertiveness is distinguished from AGGRESSION and PASSIVITY. How people deal with personal boundaries; their own and those of other people, helps to distinguish between these three concepts. Passive communicators do not defend their own personal boundaries and thus allow aggressive people to harm or otherwise unduly influence them. They are also typically not likely to risk trying to influence anyone else. Aggressive people do not respect the personal boundaries of others and thus are liable to harm others while trying to influence them. A person communicates assertively by not being afraid to speak his or her mind or trying to influence others, but doing so in a way that RESPECTS THE PERSONAL BOUNDARIES OF OTHERS. They are also willing to defend themselves against aggressive incursions.
Link here

Changing your mind. Integrity: Can you disappoint another to be true to yourself?

'I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself;
if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul;
if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.'

The above is an excerpt form 'the Invitation' by Oriah Mountain Dreamer
(I have posted it on this blog under the label heading 'favorites' and 'insightful writing' as I find it a very useful frame of reference for where I am TRYING to head to.

This excerpt is all about having a SPINE and having the integrity to risk disapproval and confrontation IN ORDER TO DO THE RIGHT THING.
It is EXTREMELY RARE for someone to come into aa with assertiveness skills, so don't give yourself a hard time about it!! We ALL have to learn this stuff! There are dozens!! Of books on assertiveness, classes. You name it. So there is no excuse for not to be able to learn this..

For those of you that live in fear of confrontation I say..
'Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed' (p102)
So there's your 'shield'!

I always tell Sponsees ITS PERFECTLY OK TO CHANGE YOUR MIND. About ANYTHING. Most people (women especially) are a bit door-matty and UNASSERTIVE when they are new. And as a result often get AMBUSHED into things. Usually by bossy MANIPULATIVE people!!, to do things they don't really want to do. I have a PARTICULAR DISLIKE for manipulative sorts, so I take GREAT PLEASURE in advising them to POLITELY tell their friend that they have changed their mind.
For example:
You could say something like this.

"Hi Mary, you know, now that I've had a chance to mull it over, I have to say, I WON'T be doing that thing for you. I'm afraid it just doesn't sit very well with me, and so I'm afraid you'll have to find someone else to help you out. I realize in retrospect that I SHOULD have said I would think about it rather than agree on the spot. That was my error. But the truth is, that I actually feel VERY uncomfortable about doing that, and, I'm afraid to say I also feel a little manipulated. In future I intend to think things through MUCH more carefully before I agree to them, but for the time being, I'm afraid, on this occasion, I will HAVE to let you down. You're an intelligent resourceful woman, so I'm SURE you will find someone else to help you out instead."

See? It's not that difficult is it?

How to not be a doormat

Here are some books which offer a roadmap for those of you that are unfamiliar with emotional and verbal abuse, and the effects they have on people.
Assertiveness training is something you can learn as well if you want to learn how to stand up for yourself, but these books are very good.

The Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel (Read this one first)

The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans