Wings of desire: What it must be like to listen in to the thoughts of others

Wings of desire is a lovely film about 'Angels that walk the earth'. I am not saying it reflects reality in exactly the way I see it, but I like the insight into the private thoughts of passers-by in this film. I know that the longer I am sober and the more successfully I am able to communicate with others, that lots of things become apparent that were not apparent before. I feel I can read between the lines. I believe I can see where people are coming from much better than before. Even when they insist on chattering aimlessly about nothing in particular. I think we are very fortunate to get this ability to connect better with our fellow human beings as a by-product of recovery.
This film reminds me of how it feels to be around people who give the impression that they can see right through people. In a good way :) Another version of the same film is City of Angels. Both films have their moments. This film makes me wonder what my perception of humans would be if I could listen in to the thoughts and feelings of others. I like to think that I would feel nothing but compassion for the human condition if I could see that much. It would be a very humbling insight into our shared condition.

What's great about this film is that it is an intimate and vulnerable portrait of the inner landscape. Of the private thoughts people think nobody else knows about. In the course of various Step 11 experiences I have been lucky enough to be around people who made me feel completely transparent because they had such a high level of insight. At first I found it very embarrassing. It feels as though one has no mental or emotional privacy. These people gave me the impression that they can see right through me. So there was no point in trying to disguise anything I was thinking or feeling. (Whether they could or couldn't was by the by, the effect it had on me was what got my attention.)
This is part of the reason I recommend going on step 11 retreats so highly. Because it exposes you to people with a sufficiently high level of insight to completely see through your BS. And like I say, it first it seems uncomfortable, then very !!!! humbling. I suppose I really like it now. I prefer having no place to hide. But it's a very !! good way to get in touch with your humility. :)

I am much more aware of my petty internal responses to things than I was before. I didn't used to notice it nearly so much, but being around people who saw through my ? BS made me notice lots of slightly dodgy thoughts rumbling around in the background that I hadn't picked up on before. Plus lots of crazy rationalizations that I didn't even notice I had. Oh well. The unflattering thoughts don't go away, but I feel significantly more reconciled with my humanity. I feel very lucky to have had this experience.
It taught me a huge respect for logical questioning of what I am thinking. In the past I used to think that I needed to "understand". Now I just think I have to NOTICE things instead of letting them pass me by. I find that when I try to 'understand' things, my mind is invariably drawn towards the things I WANT to think about, (ie ego-massaging BS) as opposed to the things I SHOULD be looking at. (ie ego-puncturing observations)

The process started in AA. And continues because people always reflect something back to me that I hadn't seen before or hadn't noticed. Always some sort of new ? 'wake up call'. So I always end up coming face-to-face with something that reflected back that I wasn't expecting. It just seems to be more and more ego-puncturing experiences. Brings me face to face with the inner surges of the 'fight-to-the-death' ego. It would be so !!! lovely to have no ego. It encourages me to see some people manage to have made quite a bit of headway in that direction. Thank god it is not a lost cause :)
I find egolessness an incredibly beautiful characteristic in a person. I hope to be able to emulate some of the egoless people I have been lucky enough to meet sometime. There would be no 'self-will' left to break. Nothing between me and the ability to harmonize with others.

Life is a lot more like Vanilla Sky than you would think

Vanilla sky is about a man who is experiencing a nightmare which he believes is his real life until he is FORCED to examine his experience more carefully because of 'pain and unremitting suffering'.
Admittedly. His experience is a bit trippy at times. One person changes into another for instance. So we won't experience it in quite this (!) dramatic way. But yeah. He is dreaming. But he doesn't know it.
The nightmare gets his attention, and he struggles with familiar unconscious parts of himself (the therapist and old friend) in his attempt to make sense of the predicament he finds himself in.

More importantly the film VERY ACCURATELY shows how the TINIEST act can literally pull the whole thing apart.
Not just a mediocre of average thing.
But a SERIOUSLY GREAT, seemingly bullet proof thing.
Yes. I'm afraid that's a reality we are ALL capable of experiencing. At one year sober or 50 years sober. Our flaws and lack of judgment, or innocent oversight can pull everything down around our ears. Everything.

Basically its a lesson in cause and effect, impermanence, (that everything can disappear in a moment) and the maxim, 'you snooze you lose'. Very painfully illustrated by the devastating effect of Toms momentary decision to take a short car ride with Cameron.
Yeah I know its a very theatrical scene in the sense that Cameron acts like a !! total loon in the car, but even if we do not meet total loonys, we can STILL fall foul of poor choices that REALLY land us in it. They can be VERY SMALL and SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT choices. And in their isolated sense, they probably are.
But in regard to the knock on effect down the line. They are NOT.
And that is how the world IS im afraid.
You would become TOTALLY paranoid about the smallest acts if you knew how tragic events trail back to insignificant sources. So its just as well we cannot see the causal links so clearly.
Anyway. I digress. As usual.

But yeah. Life is like vanilla sky. It really is. More so than you realize.
Its a great undiscovered film. Nobody realizes what a great metaphor it is.
Very accurate in a lot of ways.

For those of you that routinely experience the metal tape loop of

"when anyone said they liked me I used to think one of two things.
They were either LYING
Or they were STUPID"

(And I count myself among one of the people that experience that particular mental tape loop of destructive self loathing)
Then the TOTAL MISJUDGEMENT of the love that Toms character HAD during his life THAT HE HAD NO CLUE EXISTED
Is a valuable and VERY HUMBLING lesson.

Yes we are VERY OFTEN oblivious to the love and concern that others REALLY have for us.
That's why we look to ? 'feed' off of other fixes. Food. Tv, anything really to absorb into as an 'out', a way of running away from what Amaro calls 'the craving mind' (Tahana) or the hungry ghost as other call it.

Anyway. In his (Toms) despair, he DOES NOT SEE Penelope's love, or his friends love. He is oblivious to the GOOD people in his life. He FAILS to notice them because he is in pain and cannot see the wood for the trees. But unless you really PRACTICE gratitude and ACTIVELY LOOK for the GOOD people and GOOD things in your life, then YOU TOO will miss these wonderful people in your life. They are there already! You just forget to keep looking out for them! Thank god. We all have SOMEBODY who looks out (of HAS looked out for us). Well I think so. Even if we cannot see them. I am sure they are there.

Anyway I digress yet again.
What im saying is that this film is a fantastic illustration of how we unconsciously 'dream' our existence into being, and how the tiniest acts can destroy or save us. How we do not notice the love around us, and how we GET IT WRONG. ALL. THE. TIME.
Even if we are 'nice people'
Even if we 'mean well'
Even when we 'try hard'
Even when we 'do our best'

So yes we are pretty much at the mercy of our habitual thinking, and view of the world. Every (!!) act and thought counts. You snooze you lose. And sometimes you can lose everything on a dime. The tiniest thing.

Is it any wonder that it is so essential to connect with something greater than ourselves?
To 'move toward and become like' something greater than ourselves in order to make sense of the impeccable complexity partnered with utter simplicity? How in !! Gawds name are we supposed to make ANY sense of it all without that?
I have no idea.
Thank god the ? 'heart wisdom' is infinitely more expansive than the mind and can hold dozens of contradictions in place and STILL see the wood for the trees.
Complicated and simple at the same time. And the faultless infinite complexity need not be a problem. Just a feature of the landscape. Just another 'thing' in the mix.

So yes. The mind just doesn't have a strong enough 'engine' to get you there. Whereas the heart is like some sort of ? portal. A gateway into the world the mind simply cannot see. A landscape that sees all. Can hold it all.

Yes it means dropping the thinking mind temporarily. Which can throw you into BLIND PANIC if the only way you have ever ! Tried to make sense of the world is by being able to frame it in some cozy little mental box of classifications.
But yeah. If you can stand the SQIRMING mind bleating in the background because it can't 'fit' the experience into a neat little box,
AND you can resist the urge to let the mind gallop off like a dog with a stick the !! moment it sees a juicy morsel to THINK about, then you might !! just be able to enjoy a nice moment of what sogyal rinpoche calls Just BE (ing)

Whatever
I have no idea why I decided to type all that.
What I MEANT to say was, Vanilla Sky is a GREAT film and works on MANY levels. All true. So watch it a few times and see what you think.

Imagine (for one horror stricken moment,) that the 'story', might not be such a 'story' after all. But more real than most of the stuff you think of as your daily reality.
Now THAT'S a scary thought. But I am afraid to say I see a lot of reality in that film. Not all of it. But a lot more than you see in most. Which IS scary I suppose.
But never mind eh.
We just do our lousy best and try to stay in (reasonably) fit spiritual condition.
That's all we can do really. Seeing as how we see through the (god dammed) glass SO !!! darkly. Its like we don't really have much choice!

The OTHER great thing about this film, is that it is an accurate reflection of the inherent UNREALITY of the 'nightmare'. is that the nightmare is JUST THAT. A nightmare. Its an illusion. A 'seeming' as Amaro calls it. Important only insofar as to our need to RECOGNIZE it for what it is so that it becomes transparent to us, as opposed to this large looming chunk of reality staring at us. It is not 'real'.
The good news? Like some monk said.. IT IS ALL. ALL. RIGHT. Yet at the same time we are required to be aware of this subtle trick of the mind in order to not be consumed by it. Easy to say. Hard to do.
So there you go. A vaguely cheery note to end on. :)

Heheh
Whatever.
Sorry for rambling on.
It just once I start I cant stop :)

Right Id better go do some mundane household stuff. Go clean the bathroom and put some laundry on.
Same ol same ol basically.

BTW I am tempted to put a ? warning disclaimer on some of these posts because they are not ? Quite what I normally put here, and I am just kindof typing the first thing that comes into my head. So please do not feel that you have to agree with me or like it. Or anything really. Im just thinking out loud. And I may have got it wrong as I am not used to writing about this. So forgive me if I am sounding a bit cr*p. Im afraid its jus one of those things. Its VERY easy (unfortunately) to sound like a bit f a tw*t when you talk about these things, so you will just have to bear with me while I figure out (if ever!) how to write about ? this type of thing without sounding like a grandiose loon. It aint easy!

Hehe. Right off to tackle the bathroom with a strong cup of tea!

In the meantime, have a great Sunday! I on the other hand.. Have some serious cleaning up to do! Hey ho. Amaros 'zen bliss' (a my sister calls it) will keep me amused in the background!

The World (of the 'Self') that has been pulled over your eyes, to blind you from the truth

At the risk of sounding like someone who does not really know !!! (at ALL) what they are talking about, (!) I thought I would share this..
I KNOW I am not the greatest (!!) Authority about this, but I am very excited about this, like I am with most new things I am TRYING to learn, and in my attempt to understand it better myself, I thought that if I TRIED to put it into my own words, it MIGHT make more sense to me, or I might just organize my thoughts better so here goes...
(It helps me even if it makes no sense to you whatsoever!! Heehe )

The above utube (here is a link to the Matrix blue/red pill scene because the link above appears to be no longer working. The part I like starts 50 seconds in.) the is a dialogue clip from the Matrix which I think works as a VERY useful metaphor on loads of levels. A metaphor for The 'dream world' we inhabit when we are 'captivated' or 'caught up' by the hopelessly ! misleading (but VERY compelling) information habitually flooding our senses and mind. A metaphor for the underlying reality of Non duality that goes unseen. No self: the illusion of self. Non existence of time: the illusion of time.

Its like we are little babies getting distracted by a 'glittering bauble' being dangled in front of our eyes, and we are failing to notice all the OTHER !! conditions around us. All we can see is the 'glittery thing' that glints and catches our attention. The glittery thing is sight, sound, the chatter and murmurings of the mind. The WORDLESS BELIEFS in the mind. The surges of the mind to ? GET something, or get AWAY from something. Primal SURGES of one thing or another. Such as..
Can I eat it? Can it eat me? Can I mate with it? .. (As Amaro says in his talks) They take centre stage, And we don't even notice. Shame really.

Or they HIJACK us from the wings with whispered blurry unquestioned half-truths we just never think to question because they feel so .. 'normal'.
Basically the way our senses and our mind are conditioned to interpret the world is very partial, habitual, and accepted unquestioningly.
If you look closer what you find is all the senses look hopelessly inadequate. And the way the mind habitually interprets them is very lazy and pathetically caught up in itself. Not logical at all. If you calm down enough to see ? 'past' all the mental chatter and pointless mind meanderings, and actually question the reliability of the information coming in via the senses, it all starts to look a LOT !! More insubstantial. Like a cloud passing by. Vapor. So one the 'worldly objects' are reduced to ? Nothing containing any substance. Whereas the space in which all those things arise and disappear takes on a WHOLE new significance and looks like the REAL thing going on in the background.
Or something.

Anyway. Its what's BEHIND all that ? activity we get caught up in, that Is interesting. The more quiet the mind gets, the easier it is to watch for those pauses between breaths of bits of inactivity. Plus as you get more chilled out with all the different distracting baubles floating about in the ? Mind, then you can kind of watch them without breaking a sweat and stand firm, resisting the tidal surge to heedlessly follow each new impulse.
Basically kind of watch the 'show' from the sidelines, instead of being IN the 'show'.
And when you do that, you start to see that the 'show' is not really YOU.
Just some weird sh*t 'happening' on the stage in front of you.
Anyway. When that happens, the whole sense of identity shifts from a 'personal' ME to a more ? Impersonal ? Awareness. Not a ME. Something else. A cooler ? Something ? else, which is not a ME.
Anyway. Whatever it is. It feels more spacious. More free. Less personal. Not from the world of ? THOUGHT. Comes from a ? Feeling place. A 'quiet knowing'.
Its nice whatever it is.
But yeah every time you start congratulating yourself on what a COOL person you are for managing to get even ! This far. You are immediately SUCKED back onto the stage where you are right back to being a ME again. Sheesh..
There are no days off basically.
But yeah its a nice trick. Anyone can do it I reckon.
Its quite funny. There you are sitting watching the show. Trying VERY hard to resist the urge to listen to a POINTLESS CONVERSATION going on in the row behind you (somewhere else in the mind) that sounds TERRIBLY INTERESTING, and you manage that, but then don't notice SELF has appeared in the form of a self congratulatory remark, and you start listening to it and BINGO. There you are. Back in the self again. Just goes on and on really. Just when you think you've got it. You don't! Hahaah. Funny old game.

I'm pleased with my progress of my awareness of the 'show' WITHOUT getting caught up in it, when it feels similar to someone persistently COUGHING when you are trying to concentrate on your golf swing. Like I am the golfer, and the coughing is NOT putting me off. Like that really. The ? Reptile brain or Mara as the Buddha liked to call it. The ? 'Evil tempter.' Is ALWAYS trying to put us off our game. And 99.9% of the time it wins. !
But its nice to score a few points against Mara every now and again. Not get SUCKED IN to some POINTLESS inner drama or DISTRACTION, and instead notice the glittering baubles dangling alluringly in the consciousness, are NOT ALL THAT. That there is actually something a LOT more SIGNIFICANT and RESONANT going on VERY quietly in the background. The land of no self. Cool!

But yeah. Sometimes the 'bauble' is indifference, disinterest, dullness. lethargy or boredom. All those are not what you would call a 'quiet' mind. A very sleepy mind! But not a quiet one. So snoozing, or having a mental tea-break, or being 'zoned out' doesn't count I'm afraid! Never mind eh? Rome wasn't built in a day as they say..

Anyway. When you get a better sense of the underlying stuff, you feel a bit SWINDLED by the mind and the senses, and the SELF it conjures up. In much the same way as you feel a bit swindled by the whole 'getting drunk is great' notion after you stop drinking for any length of time. You think... Why didn't anyone tell me it was like THIS??? Jeez. There I have been believing all this SELF sh*te for gawd knows how long, when in fact it was some poxy MIRAGE masquerading as SUBSTANCE. Whatever.
Well that's kind of what it feels like. Like most things. Once you see them for yourself, they seem OBVIOUS and you feel completely CONNED all the time you had no idea. Oh well. Never mind.
Thank you Mr Amaro for helping me look in the right direction and helping me see that. Even if it was just a ! glimpse. It all helps. Doesn't 'cure' me of my senses, but at least I have a SLIGHTLY ! better idea of what I am up against.

In this clip (the way I see it anyway) the 'prison' is the 'world' (meaning 5 senses and the MIND,) and the object being imprisoned by the senses and the chattering mind is the IMPERSONAL existence of 'no-self.' Poor ol NO SELF doesn't get a chance, because there is this MASSIVE smokescreen of SELF going on. MY nose, MY ears, MY thoughts. MY emotions.. etc etc. Yeah right! Look a little closer and there's NOTHING there. ..Meaning the REAL me isn't the endless flow of thoughts emotions and god knows what else. its the ? 'thing' (some people call it the witness) that is AWARE of all that trivial and pretty pointless mind-stuff. Timeless, impersonal unconditioned awareness. not a 'thing'. not a 'person'. Just plain ol awareness! A universal quality. Not a ME quality. Cool not hot. Undistracted not distracted. Steady not fluctuating. There just isn't ANYTHING 'personal' about it.

Anyway here's the part of the Matrix script I like:
I can see it in your eyes.
You have the look of a man who accepts what he sees,
Because he is expecting to wake up.
Ironically, this is not far from the truth....
Do you believe in fate, Neo?
No.
Why?
Because I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my own life.
I know.. exactly what you mean.

Let me tell you why you're here.
You're here because you know something.

What you know you can't explain.
But you feel it.
You've felt it your entire life.

That there's something wrong with the world.
You don't know what it is, but it's there...
Like a splinter in you're mind.
Driving you mad.

It is this feeling that has brought you to me.
Do you know what I'm talking about?

The Matrix?

Do you want to know..what it is?

The Matrix is everywhere.
It's all around us
Even in this very room.
You can see it when you look out your window.
Or when you turn on your television.
You can feel it when you go to work.
When you pay your taxes.

The Matrix is the world that has been pulled over your eyes,
to blind you from the truth.

What truth?

That you are a slave, Neo.
Like everyone else.
You were born into bondage
Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch.
A prison...for your mind.

Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is.
You have to see it for yourself.

This is your last chance.
After this. There is no turning back.
You take the blue pill.
The story ends.
You wake up.
And believe.. whatever you want to believe.

You take the red pill.
You stay in wonderland.
And I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes

'The glory of God is that we live our lives' ~ St Irenaeus

'The glory of God is that we live our lives'
St Irenaeus
A guy in AA told me that one. Thought I would share it with you. Lovely isn't it?

Heard in a meeting
What's the difference between a Rottveiler and an alcoholic?
The Rottveiler knows when to let go.

What I'm listening to at the moment.
Ajahn Amaro podcasts of dharma talks.
I LOVE Ajahn Amaro! Just right for me at the moment. Especially as post-Dalai Lama therapy. I have him on my ipod as I stroll about in the sunshine we have right now. Very relaxing! Feels a bit 'out there' when you listen to em, as he abandons all concepts of self, identity, and 'fixed positions'. Ie no ego. How fabulous! I seem to have lost the ability to debate on any issue as it is only 'taking a position' (which can only be inherently uncertain and therefore ultimately unreliable.) Yeah I know, it sounds a bit weird, but it basically means that its really hard to make a statement' or something. I just feel like there is nothing to say at the moment. Probably why I am not posting much. I just think everything in my mind is pointless. Just hot air. Not really. But you know what I mean. Of no substance. That's better. Yeah. I think of it as pointless, but I have a feeling you will interpret that as me being derogatory about my thought processes and I can assure you it is not. All thought is very insubstantial to me at the moment. I kind of don't really listen to what my head is saying as it probably rubbish. That's all. I still use my brain to figure stuff out at work, but I'm not paying much attention to the 'washing machine' rumbling going on in the background. Besides the weather is too gorgeous to 'think' about anything. London looks seriously gorgeous in this weather. Tourists are everywhere, and I get to live here all year round. Cool! I feel like I'm on holiday when I'm at home. But there you go.

The Corporation on freedocumentaries.org
I don't really watch TV as such, but I like this kind of stuff. The Corporation was a disturbing but very interesting documentary. I MEANT to see in the cinema when it first came out, but didn't get round to it.. Really puts you off buying 'stuff''. Great if you shop too much. I have to force myself to the shops so I'm in no danger of getting a shopping addiction, (or whatever they call it..)

freedocumentaries.org
Interesting stuff. More of the same. TV with a social conscience. Cool. Quite depressing though.. Cheer yourself up by asking 'what can I DO ' to stop yourself feeling overwhelmed by it. Great TV though. Very interesting.

I have more time to catch up on new music and I LOVE some of the stuff that is being produced recently. Besides I NEED this music to keep me going in the gym, but as usual, I am pleasantly surprised by the new material. There are loads more but here are a few on my ipod..
GREAT ! running music. (IF you like that kind of thing..)
Madonna – ‘Give It To Me (Oakenfold Remix)’ (Warners)
Rihanna- 'Take A Bow' (Seamus Haji & Paul Emanuel Remix) (Def Jam)
Rihanna- 'Take A Bow' (Seamus Haji & Paul Emanuel Remix) (Def Jam)
Timbo Nelly Justin Madonna pharrell Britney Giveit2metwice

I'm either relaxing at home or getting exited about new stuff to learn and new job possibilities which would involve some retraining and a little more excitement than usual. We shall see. No harm in a few weeks retraining in the meantime, if it means I can try something new that pays better. Whatever. It feels really nice being on 'summer holiday' even though I'm still working full time..

Hey I LOVE the full moon today and the solstice this weekend, so this suits me just fine!
Have a great Wednesday!

Service and getting motivated to go to ANY LENGTHS to study for a BETTER JOB. NO excuses!

Service is everything. it goes beyond outward action to the quality of ones heart, presence, and inner stillness.
These 'silent' qualities enrich others very powerfully.

Everything I do, say, think and feel can be service.
Meaning, In any moment, I am either taking, or I am giving.
But yes. sometimes practical help is needed. If I have free time.

Outward actions that help (for me) are prioritized by the potential benefit that can occur by doing them.
The more my acts have the potential to benefit others, the higher the importance of that task.
So attempting to prevent death is first.
Attempting to prevent premature death second.
Attempting to prevent unhappiness that has no impact on the longevity.
If longevity not an issue. then QUALITY of life is important.
So old and dying first. as very little time! 5 yrs?
Terminal illness, that I cannot alter. of any age.
Misery generally.

All these things I address in that order, by offering (in some form or other) how to practice (what I see as) spiritual principles. Although you might not know that I was doing that if you saw me doing it! But that's what I see myself as doing. I sort of 'sneak it in' while Im doing mundane stuff. Like at work. Which is mundane stuff. Sometimes I just 'hang around' (while I am at work) and be an example of an un neurotic person. Just that can really !! freak people out sometimes. Its quite funny really. Stressed people get freaked out by people ho have no drama. Heehee.

Don't get me wrong. Im not saying Im like this all the time. Im not. I get stressed and tense about things. But by and large that is how my priorities are in my head. That's what I mean. There is a structure to what comes first when choosing how to make use of my time at work, and if I have any free time to sponsor when I'm not studying, and doing my own life obligations.

Mostly it is aiming to prevent death due to (what I see) as untreated alcoholism, (which can look on the surface like madness, or pain, or depression) by trying to teach others what was shown freely to me.
Followed by attempting to show other women how to be good sponsors. So they can do the same.
Then the sick, old and dying in my immediate family.
Then the general misery I encounter on a day to day level at work, shopping etc..

Lastly I look to my study for a new job as a way to help others. I see jobs as ego feeding so this can be difficult.
Getting a high paying, 'swishy' job seems a bit bizarre and pointless. but I am trying to make into another way I can help others.
But this is harder for me because it involves money. seeing beyond the money, ego and position this might provide me with if I do it well is difficult. I lack !!! Motivation!
But I am working on it!
Its probably just laziness, and fear experiencing incompetence and failure outside my area of expertise, and looking c*ap while I do it.
The best workers are egoless, but the potential for money and status confuse me and really put me off actually.
My immediate family are outwardly successful but seem desperately unhappy, so that's kind of what puts me off. I sense a deep abiding pain in them when I am ever around them. That's why I don't want to spend much time with them. Perhaps I am just better at sensing their pain than I am in sensing others pain.
Who knows.
Or else they just have a greater debt of energetic baggage to process than others.
But Winston Churchill was a troubled man and I like him. So baggage need not put one off people. Well all that is my judgment of that situation. But I can find unhappy people very !! draining, so I avoid them, unless there is an ! important piece of service work that needs doing.

So service in the form of this new job I am studying for is my new 'project' in expanding my step 12 remit. Even though I LACK motivation to improve upon my position in a largely repetitive and brain dead unchallenging 'comfortable rut' job that I have been doing for FAR TOO LONG. Oh well.
I hope I manage it, because the 'carrot' (on the stick) of money, position, and social status have absolutely no appeal to me. But this could just be BS. My ego just hiding under the duvet.
One never knows. Most of my thinking and perception is utter BS.
Thank GOD, I know that I don't know. And just don't trust what my head tells me.

Basically I need to go to ANY LENGTHS to complete this seemingly limitless pile of coursework for the next nine weeks.
Scary!

Nine weeks of ANY LENGTHS study.
I need to 'import' the same focus and energy that I HAVE when I am talking to a newcomer, and TRANSPOSE it onto my study obligations. Which are huge. Or seem huge anyway.
Whatever. Just another journey out of the comfort zone, so same ol same ol.
!! Why are there no days off? Ever? There is ALWAYS something new. Something that you do SO APPALLINGLY that only the GREATEST effort will pull it out of the bag.
Well compared to the proficiency I can experience with aa stuff, my level of student expertise is very !! underperforming by comparison.
I'm not cr*p, but I AM crap, at just sitting down and GETTING !!!ON WITH IT!!

Discipline. Where is it? I think I am just a bit unmanageable. Too much the hippy. Too much 'whatever'. It is there with some stuff, but it is not here IN FORCE with the study.
Ah well. Another learning curve on the spiritual curriculum of life!

Todays (and for the next 2-3 years) Spiritual curriculum is:

'How to find a sense of urgency when you have NONE'
'How to (very sensibly) improve ones position in the job market when I have NO belief that outward conditions are responsible for my wellbeing. Basically that it will make NO difference'
'How to find a desire to have a reasonably prestigious job (compared to the one I have now which I dare say will not last very long) when you have NONE'
'How to desire a first degree, (or a good second) when you don't feel that bothered about getting one or not'.
'How to want better pay when you have no hunger to earn more."
'How to have faith in the skills you are learning, when it all looks like pointless mental loops that always miss the mark no matter how skilled one becomes, as it is tied to thought, which is in itself very limited'.
'How to WANT to do something WELL, that can be sought out because it appeals to grandiose instincts in people' BLEH. (Unlike my current job which is not even remotely grandiose.)

This Is an exercise in patience and tolerance towards the limits of these activities, more than anything. And laziness.
Just because they are LIMITED, or SEEM limited compared to step 11 stuff, does NOT give me the excuse, to be HALF HEARTED and LACKLUSTRE about them.
I need to give a s**t, basically.
Apathy! Toward what I see as kind of pointless stuff. That isn't really pointless. People who can do this job well DO serve others in MEANINGFUL ways because they help them GET OUT OF THE S**T.
They sort out problems for people. Using intellectual bags of tricks.
So there IS a point.
So I need to learn how to do this WELL.
So that when someone REALLY NEEDS help with this, (which they WILL), that I am S**T HOT at solving it for them using this new skill!!

See? I might just be talking myself into it!
Perhaps if I become very good at it but choose to do lots of free work for disadvantaged types, instead of getting a well paid job, that might work.?
But I LIKE the well paid ones, because they tend to be REALLY NICE people. (well that's what I find) More satisfied, more mentally alert, more functioning humans overall. Difficult tasks are VERY character building, so people in more sought after jobs tend to have better life skills than those at the bottom. They function better in all sorts of ways. So that's why I like difficult things, and I LOVE!!!! Being around people who are BRILLIANT at what they do. Why? because they are going to ANY LENGTHS. And I find that BEAUTIFUL and MESMERISING to behold.
But yeah, when there is money and status involved, then it can also attract those that value those things highly. But it is my OPINION, that the REALLY good ones, go WAY beyond that. They do what they do out of LOVE of the activity, or as a meditative task of doing.

See? This is why I despair sometimes. Because I can so easily be disappointed. I find myself always drawn to the people who are REALLY ! GOOD at what they do. Which makes me think I will only be TRULY satisfied working in that environment if I am around those kinds of people.
But in order to qualify for that I will HAVE to get a FIRST and work REALLY HARD for the next nine weeks, next 3 years?
But if I'm honest, I respect ANYONE who does this stuff, because it is difficult, and therefore character building.

Aha!
Another way to trick my brain into not seeing the money, (and therefore getting put off by the grandiose, status thing) would be to IMAGINE I am a person WHO NEED NEVER WORK AGAIN, but who CHOOSES TO WORK, to BE OF SERVICE.

So work of this kind would be a sort of a climb down, really.
I would be 'lowering' the quality of my life by taking part in it.

I actually know of people who are in this position. Not personally. But they have VERY FULL lives. Kids, you name it. They have NO NEED to work. Not like you and I do anyway. But they CHOOSE to do a REALLY IMPORTANT and REALLY RATHER DIFFICULT and DEMANDING job, involving LOTS of contact with rather ORDINARY, and sometimes YUKKY people, in an UNGRANDIOSE environment, despite having experienced (what I would see as) PRIVILGED LIVES. Long hours. Demanding situations. DIFFICULT to qualify academically for.
Basically, money is NOT what it is about, for them. Nor position. Or status. Just service. Even though they are paid very well for doing what they do.

So?
See?
What's my excuse? I DON'T HAVE ONE.
See I ADMIRE people like that. So why can't I do the same?
There are LOADS of STINKY charity things I could do with my expertise if I wanted to. But ultimately ALL work is service. Whether it is performed in a grandiose environment or not.
I am just attached to being employed in a very UN grandiose environment, where ego is considered to be DEEPLY UNFASHIONABLE. (which it is really)
But I do not really fit in there.
My mind is languishing in that environment.
My only way of amusing myself while I perform repetitive tasks is to look for opportunities to be of service to others and have a laugh while I go about my work.
And even though it is not grandiose, ego IS there. Just in a different form. It does not take the form of intellectual superiority, or grandiosity, but in the form of some competitive male posturing, and trying to appear 'interesting' or funny, as opposed to dull.
Plus it is a job that cannot sustain profit with increasing overseas competition. So it will die a death at some point in the next ? 5 years. Probably. Or else be replaced with a MUCH ! lower paid version. Well probably. Like HALF what I earn now or something. Or NO job at all because it is all being done overseas. Gawd knows. It does not look promising.

So I should be making hay while the sun shines!
Basically.

See?
I need to APPRECIATE the LONG TERM VALUE of what I am learning AND THE MEANINGFUL OPPORTUNITIES TO BE OF SERVICE THAT IT CAN! AND WILL! PROVIDE.

Despite SOMETIMES being performed in an atmosphere of grandiosity, or intellectual superiority.
IF !!!! I am motivated to study hard enough to qualify, that is!!!

No excuses!
(Like in the film The Pursuit of Happyness)
I NEED what Will Smith HAD in that film!!!

Exactly!
Improving oneself and ones life is IMPORTANT. Whether I like it or not.
Because I dare say I will always be employed in some form or other, so it is in my interests to have other skills under my belt.
So!!
Anyway just thought I would share that with you as that is the stuff I am resolving in my head these days, and thinking it out loud so to speak helps me organize my thoughts.

Right. Whatever. Better get on with it instead of doing this!!!
Jeez. I KNEW that would take FOREVER to explain!
Right. off now!
See you in ? nine weeks ? Hahahaa

Constant thought of Others (Not just Newcomers): ALL life situations can be viewed as "An Opportunity for Service"

There is nothing more to life than giving. Being helpful. Its the only reason we're here really. To TRY to help one another.
See the film Groundhog day.
Any life lived in the absence of 'giving' is a life not worth having. Well that's what I think. A spirit of generosity is EVERYTHING. Without it, it is a VERY grey lackluster world.
This is a clip from the film Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97)
"CONSTANT thought of Others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20)

Service is NOT something you do at the weekends. Or something you reserve for newcomers. It is an ATTITUDE. A service mindset.
ALL life situations can be viewed as 'An opportunity for service"
Just requires a little imagination. That's all.
Job, prayer life, family life. EVERYTHING can be done with an ATTITUDE of EITHER Self Seeking OR Self Forgetting.
EVE-RY-THING!

Alcoholics are APPALLINGLY Self centered. This CHRONIC self obsession is the root of their suffering. And poisons their experience of their life no matter HOW many fortunate circumstances they may obtain. Including fortunate religious circumstances.

If ALL you do is help the occasional newcomer, and then go right back to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED, in ALL your affairs, you will CONTINUE to suffer.

Self Seeking v's Self Forgetting
So basically Newcomers are your BEST CHANCE at grasping the importance of not being SELF OBSESSED.
If you think you can view Service as being CONFINED to newcomers, you are SORELY mistaken.
Until you TRANSFER the SKILL of SELF FORGETTING , FIRST acquired whilst working with newcomers, TO EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE , you will continue to "step on the toes of your fellows and they retaliate". (p62)

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate" (p62)

So yeah. The first 100 members were Not talking out of their A*SE when they said
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery".

Trust me. Its the truth. Whether you like it or not.
Helping NOT JUST NEWCOMERS.
Helping FULL STOP.

That's why they say:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

OTHERS.
Not JUST newcomers.

Yeah newcomers get PRIORITY. Why?
"Our PRIMARY purpose is to STAY sober and HELP other ALCOHOLICS to ACHIEVE sobriety." (From The AA Preamble)

So yeah. They get TOP priority. In terms of free time. (If any!)
But AFTER that, we help 'others'.
Ie ANYBODY.
Not just arbitrarily.
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

Ie in a way that helps as MANY as possible. So try to help in such a way that brings the greatest benefit to the greatest number with the limited resources of time and energy you have. It is a complex moral argument. One has to delegate time and energy with the consideration of the potential impact one can make. An ineffectual and time consuming ATTEMPT to help, deprives many others who COULD have been helped with a better course of action or a more effectual strategy.
So basically its a very STRATEGIC approach to the expenditure of ones time and energy in trying to help others.

My EXPERIENCE is that when I pursue a life goal with a SELF SEEKING motive
I do not have as much success in achieving that goal, as when I adopt a SELF FORGETTING motive.
My mind is clearer, when I adopt the latter.
I can see the wood for the trees.
More is revealed.
Plus I don't p*ss people off nearly as much.
I meet the right people at the right time.
I 'bump into' the right information.
It just 'works' better.

Yeah DESPERATION gets results too. But the emotional 'fallout' for THAT coping mechanism is VERY high. Its a very UPTIGHT condition to maintain. Unless you plan on anesthetizing yourself with mind altering drugs to 'take the edge off', you could end up like a VERY !!! tightly coiled spring!

How do you know when you are doing this thing?
When you keep having the experience Bill Murray has when he is on the dance floor in the movie Groundhog Day. Ie Almost every conversation he has includes an expression of appreciation for a past act of some sort. There is also some unspoken appreciation which is just as real, but doesn't take the form of words. Its not that difficult to tell when one is appreciated. If people are always glad to see us, we can assume they benefit from their association with us.

But the rule is. Just like Bill Murray does in the film..
YOU DO THESE THINGS ONLY !! TO THE EXTENT THAT THEY LIFT ! YOUR SPIRITS.
If you become a MARTYR
You get 'NIL POINTS'

Why?
Because by becoming a MARTYR
You place yourself in BREACH of the EXPLICIT instruction
"We (meaning the first 100 members) are SURE that GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE" p133 Big Book
"WE (meaning the first 100 members) ABSOLUTELY INSIST on ENJOYING LIFE" p132 Big Book

So, Get off the cross we need the wood
Do it like Bill Murray instead.
Have some FUN with it for Gods sakes!

Perhaps that clarifies what I mean when I use the word 'service' better..
Have a good Monday y'all.. Keep on keepin on as they say..

American Beauty: "But it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world"

"I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me
... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world.
Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much,
my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst...

...and then I remember to relax,
and stop trying to hold on to it,
and then it flows through me like rain
and I can't feel anything but gratitude
for every single moment
of my stupid little life...

You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure.
But don't worry...

You will someday."

-From American Beauty Script (at the end)

"When you stop seeing beauty, you start growing old"
U2. Summer Rain Lyrics.

I really like this end bit of the film. It captures the ? Abandonment of ? 'reason' as such when one 'sees' beauty. It's everywhere really. If you choose to look for it. Its not something that comes from the mind. Its a ? 'seeing' that comes from the heart. Or something. Anyway. Its not the ? Brain' that's sees this stuff. It is not an 'idea'. But you know when you have it. Like most really good things in life, -Very hard to describe.
There is also a quality of timelessness that I really like about this segment of the film. It has an 'air' of the poem by William Blake.

To see a World in a grain of sand,
And a Heaven in a wild flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand,
And Eternity in an hour

Blake is one cool geezer. From early childhood he had visions of angels. He is buried very close to Old street station (Bunhill Fields Burial Ground, City Road) and you should go and see th grave if you happen to be in the neighborhood. Here is a website with some information about him and the grave.

"One of Blake's strongest objections to orthodox Christianity is that he felt it encouraged the suppression of natural desires and discouraged earthly joy."
(From wikipedia page about William Blake What a COOL guy. I LOVE his attitude to ? 'religion'. Right up my street!

The Secret is GREAT! An excuse for a mental spring clean!

I read about the Film called The Secret on Dharma's Blog , so I looked it up. Thank you Dharma!!
Anyway I will give you a DVD of this if I see you as its pretty cool. But if I don't see you you'll just have to get your own copy!
I've studied Metaphysics since I read The Sermon on the Mount by Emmet Fox years ! ago. I don't really make a huge effort to do it, but I have always thought it worked. Anyway , lets say I am doing a little revision of this subject.
I happen to think this film does a very good job of explaining the subject overall, and saves you having to read a TON of books from the Metaphysics section in Watkins.

Basically the principle is
You move towards. and become like, that which you think about. Whether it is good for you, Or bad for you.

So knowing that. Our 'job' is to
Decide what you want, and then focus on it.

The alternative is to get 'pulled' this way and that by very UNintentional thoughts!
So that's what I'm busy doing at the moment.
Revising in a VERY SPECIFIC WAY, what I want, so that I can bring it into my awareness more clearly, and also to help me notice where I am gravitating in my thoughts to what I do NOT want, with the aim of addressing those and countering them. A bit of a mental spring clean, so to speak.

Hey thanks everyone for all your kind comments and what have you. It was very sweet of you to drop by and say something nice. I hope y'all have been well and prospering!
My studies are done for a few months. Hopefully! Might be resits, I don't know, but I plan on getting other projects done while the study demands are less. Bit of catching up at the gym to do and what not. Back to the old routine. I feel like a bit of a 'spring clean' so to speak. Clear away a few cobwebs. I have actually got quite a lot of stuff to figure out at the moment! Some things have been neglected due to study, so I need to get those back on track! The task seems quite daunting! Losing weight gained, or reducing my fat percentage, resuming a pretty draconian diet! Getting back to my normal grooming regime. All that girlified stuff that us ladies need to do! Loads really. The good news is that I am feeling pretty motivated at the moment, so I plan on using that momentum to get where I want to get to.

I'm feeling very intolerant of negativity while I refocus on the positive stuff, so I want to avoid negative family members while I figure out this stuff. They are a bunch of energy vampires! I'm feeling very conscious of the fact I have some free time to put to good use, so I have good intentions to make the most of it.
Anyway I am going to get busy doing that, so I'm off! Have a great Wednesday!

The Prestige

I took a study break and went to see The Prestige, and it is indeed an eye-candy feast for the ladies! I heartily recommend!
Dave Bowie too! Well anyway the reason I liked it was because it was all about magic, real and imagined, and effortless showmanship and the brutal reality of trying to be excellent at ANYTHING.
But anyway, just thought I'd mention it because it was one of those rare cinema occasions where you are pleasantly surprised instead of feeling disappointed. But I suppose I DO believe in 'magic' as well so that had a lot to do with why I enjoyed it.

Trailer for the film here

Back to the library!!!
(Smacking my wrists as we speak!!)

Consequences. 'Luck'. 'The little things. There's nothing bigger, is there?' Protection.

Karma. Cause and effect. Consequences.
'The little things. There's nothing bigger, is there?'
Motive to be of Maximum Helpfulness.
'Luck'.
Sliding Doors. Vanilla sky. It's a Wonderful Life.

Karma is just another word to describe the law of cause and effect. Or CONSEQUENCES.

Sliding Doors is a 1998 film with Gwyneth Paltrow in it.
The story roughly goes that: Young Helen is fired from her job at a PR company, and when the sliding doors of the tube car close on her, we start to see what would have happened if she'd made the train, and if she hadn't.

This film is about how your life can go in TWO ENTIRELY DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS based on ONE very SEEMINGLY TRIVIAL event.

Some people would say the thing that determines which 'fork in the road' we are drawn down is due to 'LUCK' Luck is the word I use when I talk about these things, but really I don't know what word to use for it. Some would call it DESTINY. All I know is that I always feel that my life and everything I value in it is ALWAYS COMPLETELY IN THE LAP OF THE GODS. And that EVERY LITTLE THING I do, or don't do, no matter how small, creates my future life. Good or bad.
I also believe that the gods and devas ?? Whatever they are, really DO exist and CAN intervene and try to help us steer our lives to better things. But I also believe that we 'earn' this 'protection' MAINLY through the action of

'CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs' (p20)

And I think this is why the big book tells us that:
'OUR VERY LIVES, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs' (p20)

And:
'For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead' (p15)

And:
'Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES and God WILL, (not might) keep you unharmed' (p102)

Another film which dramatizes THE SAME THING is the film Vanilla Sky with Tom cruise.
Only in this film the 'trivial event' is not a sliding door on a tube, but a momentary whim to get a short lift from Cameron Diaz.

Heres a segment of the script of the Vanilla Sky film.

Tech support:
(referring to Sofia) 'This was a kind woman...
an individual...
more than your equal.
You barely knew her in real life, but in your Lucid Dream...
she was your savior.

(and later..)

Your friend Brian Shelby threw a three-day memorial in your old home.
He was a true friend.
You were missed, David.
It was Sofia who never fully recovered.
It was she who somehow knew you best...
and like you, she never forgot that one night...
where true love seemed possible.
Consequences, David.
It's the little things.

Tom Cruise:
The little things.
There's nothing bigger, is there?

Because (as these films so eloquently dramatize) DESPERATLEY IMPORTANT OUTCOMES can hinge on SEEMINGLY INSIGNIFICANT ACTIONS, I know for a fact that I CANNOT foresee the terrible or brilliant CONSEQUENCES of ANY of my actions. So I RELY COMPLETELY on the 'gods' and devas ?? to GUIDE ME 'in all my affairs' so that UNLIKE Gwyneth in sliding doors and UNLIKE Tom in Vanilla Sky, I AM LOOKED AFTER AND PROTECTED FROM THE POTENTIALLY TERRIBLE CONSEQUENCES OF EVEN THE TINIEST DECISIONS.
So basically that's what I mean by 'luck'

So that's why I try (very imperfectly) to look at what I can contribute to any situation. Purely as a form of SELF PROTECTION or 'LIFE INSURANCE'.
I am NOT asked to SUCCEED in my attempts to try to be helpful. I am just asked to TRY to be of MAXIMUM HELPFULNESS.

So basically that's what motivates me to practice
'CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs' (p20)
'in all my affairs' and to maintain a HELPFUL MOTIVE fairly constantly.

It doesn't mean that people always like me or agree with me. But that's not the point. That's not what the big book promises us. We are promised that we will 'remain unharmed'. I frequently meet people who try to make my life difficult and have a hostile attitude toward me, but I am able to remain unharmed, and that is what is important.

The film 'What a wonderful life' also dramatizes the HUGE long term consequences of what seem like VERY SMALL THINGS at the time.

This is the nature of life I'm afraid. EVERYTHING is important. All the time! In ways we just can't even imagine. Our only hope is divine help! But thankfully the big book PROMISES us exactly that in exchange for 'CONSTANT thought of others and how we may help meet their needs' (p20)
So we can rest easy!

Some quotes that spring to mind are..
"We cannot do great things in this world, we can only do little things with great love" ~ Mother Teresa
And
'You cannot change the world, but you CAN change the world for one man'

Phew! Hope that explains it!
I encourage you to watch these films more than once, so that the message of them really sinks in.
Just try to earn as many 'good karma points' as you can! It all helps!

By the way that does NOT mean give up your day job to become a missionary in Africa! It's god's will for us to be HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE, (p133) so if being a nun DOESN'T make you happy, joyous and free, then its obviously NOT god's will for you! Thank god!

A quote that sprung to mind.. (that I like)

For some reason when I think of Tibetan Masters and the Deities they refer to as part of the services they provide to the world, it reminds me of the the last (dying) quote of the 'Warrior' style Replicant in Blade runner. They, (meaning the Rinpoches and Lamas) describe a world I cannot even begin to imagine, but that I trust exists. -because I trust their personal integrity, and the integrity of the Buddhist teaching. It conjures up the poetry of other worlds, seen through the eyes of a trusted servant. So I looked it up, and repeated the film quote here.
I often use poetry and music to evoke sentiments felt in recovery that I struggle to articulate in my own words. They are very useful tools in describing inner worlds, that are far removed from logic and the senses. Something more felt than experienced suppose. Poetry, films, stories, fairytales and archetypes are all very useful tools in recovery. I encourage you to make use of them. If they nourish you, that is. Not if they disturb you, or increase your discomfort.

I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel that the Rinpoches and Lamas inhabit an extraordinary world, seen only by people with their advanced level of skill and ability, that would seem terrifying and utterly alien to ordinary people like you and me. So I see a bit of the life of a Rinpoche in the life of this Replicant in blade runner.
And I LOVE the qualities of toughness that the replicants have in this film, as I see (the right kind of) toughness as a VITAL commodity for achieving spiritual growth. It's not for sissies!

Anyway, here's the quotes...

If only you could see what I've seen with your eyes.

I've done questionable things. ... Nothing the god of bio-mechanics wouldn't let you in heaven for.

I thought you were supposed to be good. Aren't you the good man? Come on! Oh, Deckard! Show me ... what you're made of.
Proud of yourself, little man?
You better get it up, or I'm gonna have to kill you!
Quite an experience to live in fear, isn't it? That's what it is to be a slave!

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched c-beams ... glitter in the dark near Tanhauser Gate. All those ... moments will be lost ... in time, like tears ... in rain. Time ... to die.