The ‘anti-something’ brigade: AA Politics, and people who rant generally..

Sorry for the long post but I decided to use my old dictation software instead of typing.. ☺

I recently had the misfortune to bump into a very new and very ! angry member of AA. He was about three months sober, I think he had relapsed regularly before. He said he had been feeling suicidal, and generally was not having a great deal of success with the AA program. My first impression of him was that he was incredibly angry and restless simultaneously, and that these two things in combination may very well be major contributors to his reasons for relapsing previously. I did not ask as to the circumstances of his last relapse, but I have to admit that I find those stories very interesting, because they reinforce, or educate me as to why people relapse. As it happens I didn't get the opportunity to discuss this with him in more detail because he proceeded to talk ‘at’ me in machine-gun style delivery about why he thought certain meetings were ‘wrong’.

Just so you know, I gave up on the whole notion of (what I call) ‘politics’ a very long time ago. Perhaps politics is the wrong word. When I say politics, what I'm referring to is criticism, moral superiority and backbiting from certain AA members who feel it is their ? moral duty to take AA individuals or groups inventory. Perhaps as a means of ? declaring their own self-righteousness?, or identifying (what they see as) an undesirable trait, they believe they have a moral duty to be angry, indignant, contemptuous or self-righteous about? Their anger justifies trumping the AA tenets of both ‘Live and let Live’ and the principle of Unity. I assume they feel justified in breaking with these AA suggestions due to what they see as a ‘wrong’ way of practicing the AA programme. I see this as going against the tradition that each group is autonomous. But hey. They seem to be ! blissfully unaware of these things..

Even before I came to AA, I was never terribly attracted to people who were easily preoccupied with criticising others. Nor did I surround myself with friends who took pleasure in running other people down. I have never liked ridicule, even in its most watered-down forms. This is unchanged since I came to AA. I am as an interested in slagging off ‘people places and things’ as I was long before I came to AA. So if you're looking for a ? fight, or an argument, or to prove some ? theoretical point, or prove (!) how ‘wrong’ another person, or group is, I am afraid you have come to the wrong place. ☺

It is hard for me to appreciate what pleasure is derived from this activity. I have simply never wanted to do it or enjoyed doing it. I suppose when I was drinking I enjoyed being a nonconformist, and was accustomed to receiving criticism for looking nonconformist back in the day. I had always thought of myself as a bit of an ‘artist’ and so I hung around with other artists and people on the fringes of society. Perhaps now they might be seen as quite ordinary, but back then they were thought of as a bit 'out there'. They were certainly people who ! looked as though they were living on the fringes of society! In truth I had a wide range of friends from both wealthier and slum-type homes, but I was very drawn to the people who looked as though they did not fit, and who were thought of as slightly odd. Personally, I didn't find them odd at all. It was people who looked ‘normal’ that gave me the creeps or were harder to figure out.
So back in my drinking days, I thought it was incredibly shortsighted to judge people based on looks, or immediate impressions, without knowing more about their lives. I suppose what I mean is that there are two sides to every story, so I do think there is a little bit more to it than first meets the eye. So when certain people were judgemental or scathing or made assumptions about me, I just thought they were terribly unintelligent and unobservant and not nearly curious enough about these people they were putting down.

I can only guess as to why they do it, as I have not found myself doing the same, so I have ? no idea why people get so much pleasure from slagging off other people. I just don't know why people do it. I'm ? guessing there is some self-righteous satisfaction derived from declaring one's superiority at the expense of another person's. I think it's more likely that they are unaware of their superiority and self-righteousness in such moments and that's why they are carried by a wave of resentment justified by what looks like a very self-righteous motive, which blinds them to the uselessness of their anger. Gawd knows. I think most that are regularly hijacked by their anger do not ‘see’ their anger very clearly at !! all.

Don't get me wrong, I get irritated just like everybody else, but I don't ! believe my anger. Nor would I follow heedlessly the inclination to take another persons inventory or talk to them as though there was a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ position, where I held the ‘right’ position they held the ‘wrong’ position. I just don't think life is that simple, nor is life that rigid. In some cases it is possible to be very definite but usually only about the most basic elements of the programme. For instance it is generally a good idea to try and get enough sleep, to try to talk to people and eat fairly regularly in the first 90 days. Hanging around in bars isn't generally a good idea in the first 90 days. You know, stuff like that.

This guy was a sort of real-life ‘troll’. Spouting vitriol of an anti-? Something nature. I think I will have to call these people be anti-something brigade. In cyberspace we call these people trolls. But there is no ? equivalent word for a person who behaves this way in real life. So I am going to call them the anti-something brigade.

Not that it matters, but the upshot of the story is, I felt sorry for him, because there was a strong possibility that the anger he was feeling might make him drink again. So instead of ignoring him, and ending the conversation, I think I managed to succeed in showing him how this anger was ultimately unkind and inconsiderate, and that there might be an alternative interpretation rendering his perception merely relative as opposed to an absolute truth. Basically, when I left him he did not look like he was frothing at the mouth, which he did ! look like when I first started talking to him. But I have to say it was a very unpleasant conversation, and not one I particularly want to repeat regularly.
Thankfully it is very uncommon for me to be on the receiving end of bile and resentment in such large quantities. People are not usually that angry. But this guy was.
In the course of the conversation he told me that his sponsor condoned his resentment towards certain AA members and groups. I may ask his sponsor what he makes of this, and see whether there is any truth in this. As I know his sponsor, and I haven't got the impression that his sponsor thinks it's okay to hate! certain meetings or people. But who knows? I could be wrong. I'm sure if I ask I will find out…

What I'm trying to say is that life is too !!!! short to spend your time wasting your valuable mental and emotional energy is pitting yourself against a battle you cannot win. That battle being the imperfections of people places and things. And even if you DO identify a cruel and unpleasant trait in another person or another group, you are sure to find something very similar inhabiting your own consciousness, so there is no !!! moral victory. Besides, it looks terribly ! unattractive to be pre-occupied with ‘anti-something’ thoughts. You look like a ranting person. Frothing around the mouth. It doesn't look good.
Whatever. The bottom line is that I am powerless over AA members who choose to ‘contend against’ or hate each other and gossip and badmouth each other. There will always be people in AA who do this, and I will always find them terribly ! unattractive. They will not be my buddies in AA. They will not be the people I spent time with in AA. And I will never be able to stop it occurring. Basically AA has always been full of very resentful people, so it's hardly surprising that it attracts people who rant or like to prove themselves ‘right’ in some way or form. But there you go. Nothing I can do about it. I will help the occasional newcomer who looks like they are about to drink because of it, but other than that I won't be hanging around those people for very long.
God knows we all get annoyed with AA, and AA members, we wouldn’t be human if we didn’t! But when this is ‘acted out’, manifesting outwardly as behaviour such as overt ? slagging off, attacking, criticising, publicly running down, bitching or badmouthing, well that’s another thing altogether. Well I think so anyway.
I choose NOT to contend with the ‘world’ a day at a time. Or to make a problem out of things, despite encountering those practicing the opposite very ! regularly.
Hey ho. Well it’s a gorgeous day over here so I’m going to go out run to the shops in the sun to pick up a few things.. See you all later..

Criticism and Hostility: Whose Feedback do I pay CLOSE !! attention to?

FaintOrbsJuly09, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I read about some nasty feedback someone received, started a reply, which ended up so long I though I may as well do a post. :) Here it is.

If people 'do not have what I want' I consider their feedback (good, bad or indifferent) worthless. The blind cannot see. Why credit them with insight and wisdom if their vitriol and hostility communicates VERY clearly that they have NONE. ..Well none at that moment anyway. They are merely held hostage by the transient tide of resentment sweeping over them. We all suffer from this condition to SOME extent, so the comparison is always RELATIVE. Not 'he is BAD, and I am GOOD, ..type thing. That is just BS and an lame excuse to not PAY ATTENTION to what is REALLY happening.

We are by and large very similar. In terms of the component aspects within us. How we end up depends on WHAT WE FOCUS ON. Not whether we are 'good' or 'bad' people. But yes. Someone who habitually focuses on REVENGE, POWER DRIVEN ARGUMENT, self righteousness etc etc may eventually act in criminally violent ways. But it is their BEHAVIOUR that is 'wrong', not THEM as such.
Hate the sin not the sinner, as they say

This is why I am such a strong advocate of RESTRAINT OF TONGUE AND PEN
PRECISELY because we are ALL capable of great cruelty with words.

The people who behave in a HOSTILE way, or SPEAK in a cruel manner, are telling you EIGHT things about themselves VERY !!! CLEARLY.
Why? Because actions speak MUCH LOUDER than words. Every time.

They are telling you:
1
That they have ZERO self restraint. And probably have a pretty low level of restraint UNDER EMOTIONAL PRESSURE generally. Not !!! Nice people to be around when things do NOT go their way!!

2
That they are NOT WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTHS to 'Practice these principles in all their affairs.'

3
That they are INCAPABLE of being OPEN MINDED

4
That they have very poor levels of WILL POWER

5
That they are VERY INCONSIDERATE because they either:
Do TOO LITTLE service work,
Or the 'service work' they do contains significant SELF SERVING or EGO MASSAGING habitual tendencies. Therefore CANNOT deliver what the big book promises IF CONDUCTED IN THE MANNER SUGGESTED in the big book.

6
They really do not understand what 'acting out' means."

7
They PROBABLY have done a pretty shoddy step 8. Ie not even remotely ! thorough.

8
They are not very good at recognizing or dealing with their resentment. This is either because the step 4 method they used was ineffective, OR they used an effective method but have stopped maintaining it by using step 10, allowing the resentment to build up to dangerous and antisocial levels.

Right well I have a ton of stuff to do so I am OFF. Have a LOVELY weekend :)

There's always SOME truth in criticism

There's always some truth in criticism. ..well apart from 'shape shifting reptile' !! baloney!

It is tempting to think that the more one accumulates information, and the more success one has at passing on the message of recovery to people with less experience, that the more infallible one becomes, or more impenetrable to stupid mistakes, projections, misplaced blame, and various forms of 'justified' moral superiority.

But I have found that not to be the case. One of the reasons I am intrigued by personal and moral superiority, is because I find those pitfalls are much more readily available to anybody who has successfully managed to stay sober for some time. Yes of course arrogance exists in many forms and I have met my fair share of arrogant newcomers. But I'm just saying that for those who are lucky enough to have managed to overcome a compulsion to drink for a long period of time, and also have overcome a lot of personal obstacles, then there is a very strong temptation to occupy the moral high ground when one encounters people who are clearly less able. Either because they cannot stop drinking, because they have little or no grasp of how arrogant they are.

One of the things I frequently tell Sponsees, if they follow the path of steps that way I was shown them, is that they will enjoy (as described on page 83) "a feeling of neutrality safe and protected", "the drink problem has been removed, it does not exist for them". Whilst that might not seem very impressive to a non-alcoholic, unfortunately due to the unwillingness of many AA to follow suggestions, it's not common for people to feel like that in AA recovery. I find that most members of AA that I meet do not feel as though they are "in a position of neutrality safe and protected". Because this is the case, it would be easy to feel superior in some way to these people.

It's because of this that I tell Sponsees and when they start, the they will have to work very hard in order to overcome arrogance and superiority at a later date. It's easy to feel humble when everything you do you turns to crap. It's much harder to stay humble when most of what you do succeeds. Of course not everything succeeds, that's not what I mean. What I mean is, we have a good chance at life. And things really start to work. Often for the very first time. We start getting along with our family. We start getting along with the people we work with. We start to be of real help to the people we meet. Our friends and family start relying upon us for our assistance. The people we have helped in the past, come back because the thing we passed onto them, really worked for them. And seeing all these nice things to happen is really lovely.
But none of these things make me or anybody else less prone to error, or faulty judgement. There is no critical mass of life experience or information that can shield either you or I from our own stupidity, or carelessness.
And blindness doesn't leave us simply because we did well yesterday. So basically we never get to put our feet up. Life has nasty way of reminding us when we take our eye off the ball. You snooze you lose.

So when I am on the receiving end of criticism, there may very well be some truth in it. It's highly likely I'm doing something wrong, and that I may be contributing to the problem unwittingly in some way or other. Mainly because none of us can lay claim to EVER being ENTIRELY free of error.
Of course some criticism is expressed in a way that is difficult to take on board, but that does not make the content of the criticism any less valid. Alternatively, a form of criticism may be expressed very eloquently, yet its content is utterly misplaced. The same is true of compliments. A compliment could be very skilfully expressed, yet have no basis in truth. Or a compliment could be expressed really poorly, yet reflect a real virtue of some sort.

I regularly receive criticism of some sort another from AA's I meet. Misery loves company. And if I communicate that I believe (on almost cellular level) that happiness is an inside job, that understandably ruffles some people's feathers, who haven't had the good fortune to have that experience.

"We cannot subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, even though it was once just that for very many of us"

so yeah, people get pissed off. It's the nature of the beast. I don't take it personally. I'm not saying I like it, I just don't take it personally.

Basically I'm just saying that criticism goes with the territory. Especially if the results you are getting are not very similar to that of the majority membership of AA. So long-term sobriety is in some respects can be pretty thankless. Until of course others get grips with your approach, and get to see the benefits of it first-hand. Only then, are people able to genuinely put their prejudices and reservations to one side. I think that's fairly normal. I don't think makes them difficult, obstructive, or worse in some way or other. I think I was the same. I think I only really understood how powerful a program was after I had completed the first nine steps. The longer I am sober the more I see what an extraordinarily powerful vehicle the AA program is for all kinds of self-realisation.

When I encounter criticism from Sponsees and newcomers I completely understand that they don't understand. I find it unpleasant to be on the receiving end of their negativity. It actually feels like little arrows are physically piercing me. Not nice! Quite toxic. And very draining if I stick around too long. But what I mean is, regardless of all the things I've learned, and regardless of all the experiences I have overcome, I don't assume that I'm right, or without fault, when something goes wrong. Perhaps I make too many allowances for people's genuine reservations about what I am telling them. Who knows? All I know is that that's how I feel when things go wrong. When someone reacts badly to what I'm saying. (apart from total !! crazy nutters)

But by and large I would say defensive, critical reactions are very common in AA. AA is full of touchy, restless, irritable and discontent people so it's hardly surprising people disagree in ways that are not terribly !! skilful! As you may already know from reading this blog, I have very low expectations generally of others. I don't expect people in AA to be gracious when they encounter something they don't like. I expect mudslinging and other such childish reactions. So it's hard to disappoint me by behaving childishly, but like I said before, I don't have a heart of stone, so yes I feel the consequences of attacking comments just like everybody else.

Anyway I just thought I would share that. Basically nothing is as simple or as comfortable as you would like it to be. And there is no point at which you stop questioning yourself. Anyway I better be off. I'm only doing this because I'm avoiding another task! So have a fabulous Tuesday, and I hope your weather is as nice as ours :)

Increased sensitivity toward others AND acceptance means: "It hurts you more but it bothers you less"

On a relative level, it hurts you MORE. On an absolute level, it bothers you LESS
"There is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely." Quote at 6.15 of the video.

This is like a master class on emotional intelligence by Ken Wilber. Bless im.
This is for those of you that tend to get steamrollered by your emotions or fear that life will tear you apart unless you close your eyes to the suffering in the world. Ken has a very good explanation as to how more advanced practitioners view that ongoing tension.

My words:
Firstly. He distinguishes between what he calls RELATIVE reality, and ABSOLUTE reality.
Lets call the relative reality the ? world. 'People places and things', such as emotions, patterns of the mind. Al the emotional and mental 'traffic' we experience.

Then lets call the ABSOLUTE reality ? ..God, HP the power of AA as a whole. ? Whatever. Just something beyond the daily push and pull. Doesn't really matter what you call it. Its that place that feels ? beyond the surface of things. ? ..Gawd knows what it is, but it is beyond people, places and things. Including the capacity of the thinking mind.

In retrospect, I think this ? 'dual' reality he describes, of both a 'relative' and 'absolute' nature, (Buddhists call it 'conditioned' and 'unconditioned' reality, but it doesn't really matter what you call it) is the thing I was ! trying to describe in the July 2007 post called: The Spiritual Life: One foot in the 'World', One foot in the 'Ether' And another Dec 2006 post called: A strange 'dual' mind space shared by myself and my Sponsees. (And their Sponsees)

Anyway. regarding RELATIVE reality: Ken says at 5.06 of the video:
"The more awakened you become, the more INVOLVED you become, the more you actually FEEL, and the more painful it becomes. So the pain increases. (So do the positive emotions BTW.)
You become SO sensitive you can feel EVERYTHING that's arising for everybody. All that becomes something that you TASTE and you FEEL CONSTANTLY.

He then says at 6.03 of the video:
"On the ABSOLUTE side, it bothers you LESS.
So there is a GREAT freedom from the suffering that you feel. Much MUCH more intensely.

We have to give ourselves PLENTY of room to feel BOTH:
The ABSOLUTE PERFECTION in everything that arises.
..And yet see ONE person starving and you will start crying so hard it will kill you.
And if you are not doing BOTH, you are doing something WRONG."

My words:
AA's learn to see 'perfection' in this way by developing the spiritual principle of Acceptance p417 of the Big book
""When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation-some FACT of my life unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I ACCEPT that person, place, thing or situation as being EXACTLY the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

NOTHING, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
(p417, AA Big Book) you can view the story this comes from called "Acceptance was the answer" here

*Apologies for the music on this vid BTW. Hey i didn't choose it!!.. but hey never mind.. :)

There is another ongoing tension with emotions between REPRESSION and INDULGENCE. But that's another post.
There are plenty of other Ken Wilber vids on Utube. Plus he has a website if you are interested..

Compassion for the 'enemy': The 114yr old monk who stayed alive to protect his attackers karma

At 35mins into the downloadable mp3 of the talk by Amaro called Listening to the mind there is a cool story which I thought I would share about having compassion for ones enemies. It sort of goes like this. Its a true story but I cant make out the spelling of the monks name. Amaro will know, but I haven't emailed nim to ask.

The true story of great master (cannot tell spelling from audio which is a shame) Siu yung.who at the age of 114 was attacked by the red guard.
He restored monasteries that were being destroyed by the communist party. He was so influential and so loved in china that at the time of the communist revolution the red guard came round and beat him up when he was 114 years old. They beat him with wooden clubs and left him for dead. Broken and bleeding. But he survived. He didn't die.
His fellow monastic took care of him, looked after him and were amazed at his strength and his resilience and he recovered.
Some weeks later the red guard found out he was still alive and they went back and beat him up again with steel bars. Broke his bones, and bust his head and he was incredibly injured. And everyone was sure he was going to die.
He was Incredibly hurt and was in incredible pain. And even his disciples, who loved him dearly, thought, "even though he'd been so injured and so hurt, the great master isn't dying. It must be out of compassion for us, that he's holding on, because he knows how upset we'll be if he passes away.
So they said to him. 'please, don't just hang on to life. Your bones are all broken, your organs are smashed, you're in such terrible pain. Please don't hold on to life just because you think that we will be upset if you pass away. If its time for you to die. Please don't just hang on to life for our sake. "
He said. "its not for you. I am deliberately holding on and staying alive. But its not for you. Its for the soldiers who beat me. Because if I died, the karma that they would create would be so terrible, I couldn't be responsible for that. So I'm staying alive. But its for their sake. Not for you."
And he lived for another SIX years after that. Wisely the communist army left him alone an he lived till 1959."

Nice huh?
Well I liked it.
Just goes to show. There's no excuse for hatred. Amazing !! levels of compassion are possible. Wow.
Right I'm off. Have a fabulous Wednesday!

How to deal with Praise and Blame: "Breaking into a million pieces" "Ah so"

I was listening to a talk by Ven. Ajahn Amaro today at work today called 'Ah so" (A talk given on September 1st, 2007) and is has a seriously great information about how to deal with both praise and blame. A very 'cool' unreactive response. Plus some great observations about how MUCH the mind LONGS for approval and how much it RECOILS from criticism. Even when its deserved.
He calls the reaction to rejection "Breaking into a million pieces" which I think is BRILLIANT
Because it REALLY FEELS LIKE THAT INSIDE when we are rejected.

In my mind I used to see painful rejections like some kind of splintered glass. Like when splinters radiate outward from a point at which a stone hits a car windshield. You know the way that kind of glass cracks? Like that. Like a spiders web or something. Except it isn't restricted in size to that of a car window. It sort of radiates out from ones solar plexus. The solar plexus is the nexus of the splinter impact.
Well that's how I see it in my minds eye. Transparent, but fractured into a million tiny little pieces.
Which is why I LOVE his description.
Obviously this describes a more 'obvious' version of rejection.
But lesser rejections (to me) feel like a reduced version of the above. Like its a weaker version. Like weak tea, instead of strong tea.
Whatever.
Anyway. Its a GREAT talk.
..Yes I am STILL addicted to Ajahn Amaro's talks..
Its what the ipod was invented for!

Have a SUPER Friday!

Stop Fighting!: Variations on the notion of wrestling with pigs

If you know me , you will know one of my favorite old timers sayings is: "Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it." which I have already posted about here.

This comment just seems to say the same thing:
He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." Friedrich Nietzsche:

Here's another one:
"What you resist, persists".

And of course, last but not least, the AA version:
Besides, we have stopped fighting anybody or anything. We have to! p103
(and after completing step 9..)
And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone-even alcohol. For by this time sanity will have returned. p85

Regarding "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster."

See I think this is saying, by wrestling the demon, you make the demon stronger. To 'win' you have to stop 'resisting' the 'demon', acceptance really, as opposed to judgment and hatred, and pushing away. In the context of shadow work, this is called 'owning' our shadow, or 'integrating' our shadow.

Its not the same as indulgence. Its a delicate point of balance between repression and indulgence. The 'demon; doesn't get to run riot. We just stop hating and disowning it. There's a difference. Basically we are replacing judgment with compassion, and in doing so, create a MUCH more stable and powerful psyche. Whatever, that's just what I think. I generally think that any UN-integrated aspect is a bit like a loose cannon. But there you go. We simply cannot be at 'war' with any aspect, because we split bits of ourselves off if we do that, and those random floating bits of energy are left unaccounted for. Wild things let loose. They are FAR better off under our surveillance. Right id better be off before I go on and ON about this..

Regarding " And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."
To me this is describing getting 'lost' in the 'problem'. This is just another word for indulgence. (as in an old post explaining Neither repression nor indulgence. ) Indulgence here means not restricting the expression of the 'shadow'. Sort of giving it free rein, all in the name of avoiding 'repression. That doesnt work i'm afraid. It NEEDS restraint!

Avoiding angry people and Impulse Control

Jeez. I get as FAR away from angry people as I POSSIBLY can. I try to leave the room or area before they finish the FIRST angry sentence. If someone 'lost it' I would simply excuse myself. I CERTAINLY would not hang about or try to reason with them. The only times I seem to get caught out is when I am so shocked by their outburst that my mind goes a bit blank.

I hate to say it, but I find a LOT of AA's behavior pretty disappointing. Obviously there are some REAL kindnesses exchanged within AA. Lots of fellowship, service and all that. But when push comes to shove, and you unwittingly trigger their 'stuff', there can be a real ! lack of impulse control, a real lack of self restraint when it comes to 'reining in' their angry impulses. Some AA's think they are being 'honest' by expressing their anger at a situation. Its a bit f***ed up really. Of course there are the doormat or repressed types too, but they are angry too, just not expressing it openly. If they feel 'safe' enough to vent their reservations with you, it can be pretty unpleasant! I just don't 'buy' that concept of 'honesty'. It's a personal attack. Nothing more.

You know what though? I suffer from the SAME kind of defensive irrationality when exposed to certain triggers. But then I am pretty messed up emotionally, compared to more ? normal types. I can experience overpowering internal upheavals when a fundamental core belief is challenged. The difference between me and AA's who act out when they feel angry, is that I do not TRUST anger. I know it means I am full of s**t and it will keep me blind. Keep me stuck. It is because I WANT to move on that I am willing to NOT give in to it. Besides, I know I will go off course if I allow myself to get dragged along by the current. Its called MORAL RESTRAINT. Its actually VERY important. So much hinges on 'keeping our side of the street clean'. Well I think so.

Denial is just plain weird, and in order to overcome it, we have to not 'give in' to the anger, and let it run riot through the system. Only then do we have a chance to come to our senses and see what an idiot we have been. Once I have cooled down I think my anger was utter madness, embarrassing and pathetic. But that moment comes much sooner rather than later if I REFUSE to act on it. That's my best chance. Anger is like hot metal, not easy to handle! It requires some impulse control!

I suppose I like to think of myself as a 'strong vessel', able to contain pretty powerful emotional states without flinching, so to speak. That's one of the best things step 11 has given me.

"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it."

My favorite thing for avoiding arguments and pointless debates is:
"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it." that's what my favorite old timer used to say. Its not easy to sidestep the bait and walk away when the other person wants to have a row, but it CAN be done.

The best way is if you figure out a pre-prepared 'get out clause' BEFORE they 'kick off'. Because its IMPOSSIBLE to think of a good one in the heat of the moment. Prepare beforehand! Then you won't get caught out the next ! time she throws a wobbly!
The aim is react less than before. Progress not perfection. All we are looking for is evidence of progress. Nothing more really.

Harmful Speech: Communicating problems (in order to seek help) WITHOUT Ranting or Dumping

The desire to rant stems from some sort of problem that has arisen.
Pretending the problem does not exist is NOT correct.
That would be REPRESSION. PRETENCE. PRETENDING.
NONE of these are HONEST, so this choice does not comply with AA doctrine.

Addressing the problem.
Looking for a solution to the problem.
Asking for advice or feedback from others in relation to the problem.
Trying out different approaches that have been suggested,
and SEEING FOR YOURSELF what WORKS.
..Are ALL PROBLEM SOLVING SKILLS which are ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY to address whatever problem we encounter.

So when I say 'don't rant' I DO NOT mean
'Say NOTHING about this problem you have encountered'.
'Just pray. But don't talk to me about it'.
'keep this problem to yourself'.

Its NOT about THE CHOICE TO SPEAK about the problem or not.
Its about HOW you speak about the problem.
Ie. It is about LEARNING TO COMMUNICATE YOUR PROBLEMS TO OTHERS IN A SKILLFUL WAY.

If something is 'skilful' it just means that your actions DO NOT HARM OTHERS.
Frequently. Newer AA's HAVE NO REAL UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT HARM IS.

This is usually because they HAVE NOT COMPLETED STEP 8.
Which is the first REAL education as to the EXACT nature of 'harm'.
Until then, AA;s rarely understand this concept.

They feel guilty for EVERYTHING
They feel guilty for not submitting to unacceptable demands
They are easily bullied into thinking they 'ought' to be doing something.

They can 'explode over a trifle'
They can INTERPRET MANY NEUTRAL OR HARMLESS comments or actions as an ATTACK
They are very inconsiderate in that they have VERY high expectations of others. They 'get the hump' when other people just DO NOT UNDERSTAND them.

So what I'm saying,
Is that they SEE harm where NONE EXISTS.
And they SEE NO HARM where harm REALLY DOES exist.

So. This is why it can be hard to explain to them how to,
COMMUNICATE THE PROBLEM WITHOUT RANTING, BLAMING, OR DUMPING.

The problem with ranting is the ATTITUDE of the speech.
Or the INCONSIDERATE NATURE of the speech.

I say to people who rant or dump.
"Do YOU like it, when people talk to you about a problem AS IF THE PROBLEM IS SOMEHOW YOUR FAULT. Or that there is an IMPLIED ATTITUDE that you are SUPPOSED to 'fix' them?"
Or
"Do YOU like it, when people just go ON and ON about 'how crummy their life is', for HOUR upon HOUR, just ranting and bleating?"

They ALWAYS say no.
I say "Well then, why do you KEEP DOING THAT to other people?"
"Don't you care about the way you are making them feel?"
"Why don't you TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED?"

Its surprising what a revolutionary concept this can be for some alcoholics.
They act in a terribly selfish and inconsiderate way, and then they wonder why they are driving people away.
Its very simple
Life is pretty much about CONSTANT THOUGHT OF OTHERS.
Failure to behave in considerate and thoughtful ways, means you will feel VERY ALONE.
Obviously not all alcoholics are like this, but we ALL have this to some extent. To this day, I can STILL see 'blind spots' where I am not engaging with the needs of others IN CERTAIN AREAS.
Its an ongoing 'battle' against the 'self'. The 'ego'.
Learning to be unselfish and kind to our fellow men is a lesson we will NEVER stop learning.

Resentment

Though our decision (step 3) was vital and crucial step,
it could have little permanent effect
unless at once followed by a strenuous effort
to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us.

Resentment
It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness

p66
this business of resentment is infinitely grave
p66
To the precise extent that WE permit these..
p66
for alcoholics these things are poison
p66
We saw that these resentments MUST be mastered
p64
From it stem ALL forms of spiritual disease
p64
When the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically
p66
If we were to live, we HAD to be free of anger
p64
Resentment is the "number one" offender. It DESTROYS more alcoholics than anything else
p66
To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got
The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore
p66
the more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got
p133
it is clear that WE made our own misery
p62
So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making
p132
Everybody know that those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much
p66
We began to see that the world and its people really dominated us

Definition of destroy:
de·stroy P Pronunciation Key (d-stroi)
v. de·stroyed, de·stroy·ing, de·stroys
1 To ruin completely; spoil: The ancient manuscripts were destroyed by fire.
2 To tear down or break up; demolish. See Synonyms at ruin.
3 To do away with; put an end to: “In crowded populations, poverty destroys the possibility of cleanliness” (George Bernard Shaw).
4 To kill: destroy a rabid dog.
5 To subdue or defeat completely; crush: The rebel forces were destroyed in battle.
6 To render useless or ineffective: destroyed the testimony of the prosecution's chief witness.
1 to damage something so badly that it does not exist or cannot be used:

This was our course:
We realized that the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick.

Though we did not like their symptoms and the way these disturbed us,
they, like ourselves, were sick too.

We asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience
that we would cheerfully grant a sick friend.

When a person offended we said to ourselves,
"This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him?
God save me from being angry.
Thy will be done."

Questions to consider-
Did the first 100 members think that resentments were justified?
Under any circumstances?
Did the first 100 members (by their instructions) endorse a victim mentality?
Did the first 100 members (by their instructions) endorse sympathy?
Do the majority of aa members you meet these days subscribe to this outlook? Based on the types of things you hear them say?
Regardless of what other AA’s are willing to accept. -What would YOU prefer? In the long term? Even if it’s beyond your capability at this point in time?

Remember:
You move towards and become like,
that which you think about.
Whether it’s good for you or bad for you