Constant thought of Others (Not just Newcomers): ALL life situations can be viewed as "An Opportunity for Service"

There is nothing more to life than giving. Being helpful. Its the only reason we're here really. To TRY to help one another.
See the film Groundhog day.
Any life lived in the absence of 'giving' is a life not worth having. Well that's what I think. A spirit of generosity is EVERYTHING. Without it, it is a VERY grey lackluster world.
This is a clip from the film Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97)
"CONSTANT thought of Others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20)

Service is NOT something you do at the weekends. Or something you reserve for newcomers. It is an ATTITUDE. A service mindset.
ALL life situations can be viewed as 'An opportunity for service"
Just requires a little imagination. That's all.
Job, prayer life, family life. EVERYTHING can be done with an ATTITUDE of EITHER Self Seeking OR Self Forgetting.
EVE-RY-THING!

Alcoholics are APPALLINGLY Self centered. This CHRONIC self obsession is the root of their suffering. And poisons their experience of their life no matter HOW many fortunate circumstances they may obtain. Including fortunate religious circumstances.

If ALL you do is help the occasional newcomer, and then go right back to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED, in ALL your affairs, you will CONTINUE to suffer.

Self Seeking v's Self Forgetting
So basically Newcomers are your BEST CHANCE at grasping the importance of not being SELF OBSESSED.
If you think you can view Service as being CONFINED to newcomers, you are SORELY mistaken.
Until you TRANSFER the SKILL of SELF FORGETTING , FIRST acquired whilst working with newcomers, TO EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE , you will continue to "step on the toes of your fellows and they retaliate". (p62)

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate" (p62)

So yeah. The first 100 members were Not talking out of their A*SE when they said
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery".

Trust me. Its the truth. Whether you like it or not.
Helping NOT JUST NEWCOMERS.
Helping FULL STOP.

That's why they say:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

OTHERS.
Not JUST newcomers.

Yeah newcomers get PRIORITY. Why?
"Our PRIMARY purpose is to STAY sober and HELP other ALCOHOLICS to ACHIEVE sobriety." (From The AA Preamble)

So yeah. They get TOP priority. In terms of free time. (If any!)
But AFTER that, we help 'others'.
Ie ANYBODY.
Not just arbitrarily.
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

Ie in a way that helps as MANY as possible. So try to help in such a way that brings the greatest benefit to the greatest number with the limited resources of time and energy you have. It is a complex moral argument. One has to delegate time and energy with the consideration of the potential impact one can make. An ineffectual and time consuming ATTEMPT to help, deprives many others who COULD have been helped with a better course of action or a more effectual strategy.
So basically its a very STRATEGIC approach to the expenditure of ones time and energy in trying to help others.

My EXPERIENCE is that when I pursue a life goal with a SELF SEEKING motive
I do not have as much success in achieving that goal, as when I adopt a SELF FORGETTING motive.
My mind is clearer, when I adopt the latter.
I can see the wood for the trees.
More is revealed.
Plus I don't p*ss people off nearly as much.
I meet the right people at the right time.
I 'bump into' the right information.
It just 'works' better.

Yeah DESPERATION gets results too. But the emotional 'fallout' for THAT coping mechanism is VERY high. Its a very UPTIGHT condition to maintain. Unless you plan on anesthetizing yourself with mind altering drugs to 'take the edge off', you could end up like a VERY !!! tightly coiled spring!

How do you know when you are doing this thing?
When you keep having the experience Bill Murray has when he is on the dance floor in the movie Groundhog Day. Ie Almost every conversation he has includes an expression of appreciation for a past act of some sort. There is also some unspoken appreciation which is just as real, but doesn't take the form of words. Its not that difficult to tell when one is appreciated. If people are always glad to see us, we can assume they benefit from their association with us.

But the rule is. Just like Bill Murray does in the film..
YOU DO THESE THINGS ONLY !! TO THE EXTENT THAT THEY LIFT ! YOUR SPIRITS.
If you become a MARTYR
You get 'NIL POINTS'

Why?
Because by becoming a MARTYR
You place yourself in BREACH of the EXPLICIT instruction
"We (meaning the first 100 members) are SURE that GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE" p133 Big Book
"WE (meaning the first 100 members) ABSOLUTELY INSIST on ENJOYING LIFE" p132 Big Book

So, Get off the cross we need the wood
Do it like Bill Murray instead.
Have some FUN with it for Gods sakes!

Perhaps that clarifies what I mean when I use the word 'service' better..
Have a good Monday y'all.. Keep on keepin on as they say..

I LOVE the Big Book

I love it when the big book 'speaks' to people. To me it feels like I am in the room with the first 100 members when I read it. It has never just been a 'book' to me. It's a ? gateway to a relationship with the first 100 members. What I mean is it is more like 'people' than a bunch of words. Hard to explain. But I love it whatever 'it' is. I have no reason why I should feel so connected to a bunch of people I have never met in person, but I do. I love the big book. I think its very special.

The PROGRESSIVE nature of the illness. The thumbscrews tighten!

"We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better."
p30 Big book.

NB: Notice is doesn't just say, 'but only when we are drinking'. This applies equally to people who are drinking and to people that are doing a 'dry drunk', or who are suffering from what I call 'untreated alcoholism'.

The thumbscrews tighten! Its as if the higher powers saying "will THIS make you wiling to go to any lengths?" No?..How about THIS? Ready yet?

In the big book it tells us our only two options if we do not treat this thing, are to go mad or die. I understand the 'mental and emotional rock bottom' very well as that's what I felt like at the beginning. Not nice! Why do think I do as AA tells me? Not because I am some sort of goody two shoes. I am backing away from the hell my mind can create without the programme. NO other reason.
Perhaps you have the 'gift of desperation'. If you do, you are VERY lucky. It makes recovery more palatable.

I remember thinking that wanting to die was a bit dodgy! To say the least!! This disease REALLY squirrels around in our brain if we don't practice this programme. Before we know it we are plain crazy.
Ah well. The good news is that it is all VERY treatable, but that in order for the medicine to work, we have to be willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get well. That means doing stuff we REALLY don't want to do from time to time. The 'half measures' approach doesn't work.

The bottom line is 'keep coming back.'
WE ARE SICK PEOPLE GETTING WELL, NOT BAD PEOPLE GETTING GOOD.
If you are feeling dodgy, keep coming back.This WILL pass, funny enough.
Remember, its a cinch an inch but its hard by the yard.

We are never 'cooked'. There is no 'let up' as such.

"It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do"
p85 Big Book

If anything, MORE is required of us as our capability increases. Having said that, yes it feels a damm site easier than the first year, but I think we just can't 'get away' with negativity and the defence of 'I didn't know any better' as time goes on. Well it gets harder to underperform. The excuses run out!

I think this thing of 'wanting all the hard work to end' is like the part of us that wanted to blot things out with alcohol and ? drugs, TV whatever. we love the ? work to be over, but life's just not that simple. It really helped me in step 11 to meet really !! awesome people and to find out just how HARD they were working. Every day. made me feel like a bit of a Nancy. I used to think that you could sort of do a phd in spirituality and the tough lessons would be over. well now that I know how !! hard the seriously ! cool people are working. well i find it very humbling. i have NO excuse to take a day 'off'. each to their own. some would say that level of vigilance is not necessary. but i am motivated to TRY to emulate the approach of the people that inspire me, so that's why i prefer to be a little fussy. I just 'want what they have'. that's it really. and not ONE of them is a slouch. so I'm stuck with that approach.
I think it would be very easy to declare oneself 'cooked' and put your feet up for a while, and to be honest I like the less demanding plateaus when they show up, but I think the more work you do, the more is revealed, the more the ego is punctured. I used to think that was a bad thing, but when I met some !! Amazing people in step 11 who made it look consummately beautiful and do-able, I was sold. I don't mind it now really. Now I just don't identify with people who talk or act like they have figured 'it' out. It looks really unattractive and arrogant, and mentally lazy, now that I think of it. Staying 'in the oven' for the rest of ones life CAN be carried off in a VERY elegant manner. It IS possible. Its hard work. But its worth it. It is right to want to safeguard what you have 'built' so far. I think its very healthy to value and appreciate the benefits of recovery when they show up. I don't think its neurotic to fear losing those things. I'm sure you have experienced the ? Inexplicable pull toward negativity when we let up on something, stop making an effort, or indulge some petty small minded bitter aspect of our nature. It all goes to crap!! I know how quickly my thinking or bad mood can screw things up, so I am 'one bitten, twice shy'. I am just not willing to risk screwing it up so much. Yeah I still make stupid mistakes, but I try very hard to keep my head space pretty positive. Bah! I should be in the gym.. Have a great Wednesday!

Two Wolves

Two Wolves
by unknown

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his Grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A fight is going on inside me… it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.

“The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, sharing, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, friendship, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other person, too.”

They thought about it for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Sober Steve reminded me of this when he mentioned this in his blog. This is GREAT and reminds me of what I am doing with this 'The secret' thing. Its one of those things that is so basic that I wanted to put it on here so I could find it later. Its REALLY true. Thich Nhat Hanh says something very similar. He calls them 'seeds' not wolves. Meaning what you think about, nourishes different 'seeds' within us.

Right off to the gym! Thank GOD I no longer feel like a MOOSE. Hhahaa. I really need to groom. Tan, exfoliate, fancy facial etc etc and all that to feel half human. Such a relief! to be back on track a bit. Just the weight to do! It just feels really nice getting back to some sort of normality. I would like to try doing 1500cals in the gym instead of the usual 1000 odd to help shift the extra. Takes a bit longer, but its worth it.
Its GORGEOUS weather here today. Hope you have a GREAT Thursday!

What does 'No Mental Defense' mean? Selective amnesia at uncontrolled intervals

What's the CRITICAL weakness that makes people relapse?

Selective amnesia concerning "the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago", which occurs at TOTALLY random, uncontrolled time periods.
This is what it means to have NO MENTAL DEFENSE against the first drink.

A momentary (amnesia induced) lapse in recall, leads us to believe we can put our hand on the (metaphorical) hot stove.

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness WITH SUFFICIENT FORCE the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are WITHOUT DEFENSE against the first drink.
The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are HAZY and READILY SUPPLANTED with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a COMPLETE FAILURE of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove."
p24 Big Book

Small things with Great Love: 'Constant thought of others' in daily life. (As opposed to grand, lofty, one off, dramatic gestures)

There is NOTHING more powerfully restorative for our wellbeing than thinking of what we can do for others. (In my opinion!)
That's what service is. You don't have to be a missionary in Africa to be thinking of what you can do for others. There are PLENTY of people who can benefit from a kindness of some sort, right on our doorstep!
Gazillions !! in AA!
If we are treating others as we would like to be treated. Well that's what 'constant thought of others' is!

Its just being KIND.
Being CONSIDERATE.
PAYING ATTENTION to the needs of others.
Looking for things you can do that might ? help them.
It doesn't have to be a big thing. At all!

Like mother Teresa said..
“We can do no great things; only small things with great love.”

Another one is:
"You can't change the world, but you CAN change the world for one man."
(Cliff Richard said that, funny enough! I'm not a big ! fan of his music, although I'm sure its very good. but I like his generosity.)

I'm a service JUNKIE. Because I ! LOVE how It makes me feel. I get to feel ? GREAT when I ! try to help new people.
I love it. Its like a spring clean for the head or something! Feels DAM good!

If you don't believe me, just try it!
Pay CLOSE attention to how good !! you feel when you REALLY ! think of what you can do for others.

Its SERIOUSLY cool!
Works like a CHARM too!

SELF OBSESSED: Constant thought of SELF? Or constant thought of OTHERS?

I have yet to meet someone who is very preoccupied with themselves who is radiant or at peace. Or who 'has what I want', basically. I know how easy it is to confuse the (very necessary) self examination that is a VITAL component of the steps, with simply being preoccupied with oneself. Its a sophisticated and elegant balancing act to get it right. Anyway, that's why I've posted this.
The 'measuring stick' of how to get the right balance (with ALL things not just this issue) is the principle of 'Neither repression nor Indulgence"

See old post called Balanced Between Repression & Indulgence

Again, like most things in relation to alcoholism, the MOST powerful spiritual 'medicine' is helping others. As the big book quotes pretty much repeat below. If you want relief from ANY symptom, 'give it away to keep it'.
Anyway, here's the relevant big book quotes:

"OUR VERY LIVES, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our CONSTANT thought of others (as opposed to CONSTANT thought of OURSELVES!!!!) and how we may help meet their needs". **
P20

"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and SELF-SACRIFICE FOR OTHERS, ** he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead".
P14

"When ALL other measure failed, work with another alcoholic WOULD save the day. **
P15

"Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE (as opposed to half-hearted, habitual rhetoric) work with other alcoholics".**
P89

"A kindly act once in a while ISN'T ENOUGH. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be". **
P97

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now".**
P124

"the dark past is the greatest possession you have**-the key to life and happiness for others. With it you can avert death and misery for them."
Ps124

"The spiritual life is NOT a theory. We HAVE to LIVE it." **
P83

** means insert: (..As opposed to 'professional' feedback, attention, sympathy, 'friendly' advice, 'external validation', positive 'strokes', people telling us what we want to hear, people agreeing with us, people telling us we are right, compliments, ego massaging comments, expecting others to take care of us, simply showing up at meetings, fellowship alone, etc etc..)

If 'your way' doesn't appear to be working very well. Why not try doing what the first hundred members did instead?

You have two choices.
You can either practice 'Constant thought of YOURSELF."
OR
'Constant thought of OTHERS".
What's it to be?
Are you sick and tired of being sick and tired Yet?
I'm afraid half measures REALLY do achieve ABSOLUTELY !!!! NOTHING. The first hundred members WERE NOT KIDDING when they wrote that. Funny enough.

Basic daily roadmap for Newcomers. Read these first.

Have you got a pamphlet called 'Now that you've stopped', and the book Living Sober?
If you do not, GET THEM.
The 'Now that you've stopped' pamphlet is VERY USEFUL and contains LOTS of suggestions of things to DO in the early days. Use it as a roadmap.

Another GREAT roadmap, is the Just for today card.
Then the book Living Sober.
REALLY get to know these ones FIRST.

Its all about Action! Action! Action!.
Meetings!, as often as is necessary.
Picking up the phone, as often as is necessary.
Asking for help, as often as is necessary.
Reading AA 'directions', as often as is necessary.
..and then trying to DO them.

That's it really !! in the early days!
Don't worry. It DOES gets better!!
Just do your lousy best! That's all I ever do.

Regarding apathy and exhaustion: I find STRONG coffee, meetings and conversation wake me up. Getting enough sleep helps too!

When you don't know something. ASK! ..In ALL your affairs..

When you don't know something. ASK!
firstly, Well done for learning how to ask Aa's and sponsors for advice!.
But why stop there?
Basically why not 'practice this principle in ALL your affairs'
The world is full of MANY 'powers greater than yourself' in MANY areas of life.

So, if you are having a problem with a co worker. Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Ask someone at work!

So, if you are having a problem with your car Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Ask someone who knows about cars!

So, if you are having a problem with your other half, Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Email a Relationship therapist!

So, if you are having a problem with your leaky roof, Don't just talk to your sponsor about it. Ask the guys at the DIY shop!

Etc etc.
Basically, what I am trying to say, is that:
WHEN SOMEONE HAS GREATER ACCUMULATED KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE ABOUT ANYTHING THAN YOU,
IN THAT RESPECT THEY ARE A POWER GREATER THAN YOU.

Ie They are a HP IN THAT AREA.
So consult them!!

I do get a BIT !!! Annoyed when people start asking me about dry rot, mortgage advice, shopping queries !!!! And GOD KNOWS WHAT!!

Hey! Use all the MANY resources out there of people that are EXPERTS on their chosen field of expertise.
Just don't keep asking AA people, or your sponsor for SPECIALIST queries!!
Thank you!

Rule 1: The Rules are, there ARE no Rules

Rule 1: The rules are, there ARE no rules.
Basically you do WHAT WORKS on a CASE BY CASE basis.
There IS no 'right' and 'wrong' regarding any specific 'issue'.. Or anything really..(within reason!)

Jeez. I get REALLY fed up when people assume there is always ONE right answer, !!! hidden away somewhere, and that for some !!!!! Godforsaken reason, I OUGHT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS!!

AAARRGGH!
PLEASE learn how to think for yourself!
Please learn how to NOT be a 'mental loafer' so that then you can FIGURE THINGS OUT FOR YOURSELF ON A CASE BY CASE BASIS.

Please!! ENGAGE YOUR BRAIN!
Why? Because AFTER Step 9..
"Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use." p86


Marvelous!

I am Impressed when new people DO AS THEY ARE TOLD

Why?
Not because I care. Because if they were doing any of this to impress anybody, that would be a complete ! disaster. No. I am impressed because it means they have a 99% chance of staying sober permanently if they do. Therefore making MY life SIGNIFICANTLY easier! Which is ALWAYS a good thing! (You see it's ALL about ME!) Just Kidding!!
THAT'S why I like it when new people learn that skill. It's NOT easy! It OFTEN involves going to ANY LENGTHS. Which is tough! But tough is good. It WORKS and that's the main thing

I call it Ninja-style recovery, when people submit to the wisdom of AA. Its VERY tough to do!! Not for pansies!

Being RESULTS-led as opposed to IDEAS-led

Forget your BRAIN (and all those 'clever' little ideas). Just follow what WORKS.

Although I LOVE the 'roadmap' the Big Book offers us, I think the MANY !!!! References to 'feelings' as being arbiters of spiritual fitness, guide me VERY CLEARLY to the 'wisdom of my feelings' as a rough guide to my current level of spiritual fitness.
What I'm saying is that I like to 'take my thinking out of the way' sometimes, and just be 'taught' by WHAT WORKS.
Don't analyze, don't cross reference various doctrines. Just follow what works. And don't follow the stuff that doesn't work.
Its like taking a mini-holiday from thinking. Its very humbling, because it removes all the opportunities for RATIONALIZATION, EXCUSES, and various other forms of ALCOHOLIC DOUBLE THINK that we ferret out to JUSTIFY and explain our way out of BAD behavior, BAD decisions, or entrenched prejudices and pet theories.

Looking at the results alone as a judge of the approach I am using is a VERY TOUGH doctrine. For me anyway. It cuts through all the crap. Removes ALL my excuses. (They no longer count).

Follow or Be guided by:
What WORKS
What is the most HELPFUL
What makes you feel COMFORTABLE. (Short term AND long term)

Do more of what works. Do less of what doesn't.
If it makes you feel good, do it more. If it makes you feel bad, do it less.

These are the kinds of questions I ask myself when I am using this method. (notice there is NO reference to ANY book, idea, teaching, what's 'right')
Who is this helping?
Is it helping me?
Is it helping anyone else?

Which would be MORE helpful? Choice A, or choice B?
Which would be MORE helpful to myself? Choice A, or choice B?
Which would be MORE helpful to this other person? Choice A, or choice B?

Which feels more COMFORTABLE? Choice A, or choice B?

By the way, when I say comfortable, I do not mean 'permanently blissful'. What I mean more is CONTENTMENT. Which is very like acceptance, or peace of mind. Its when I am not 'fighting' life. Accepting life on life's terms. It is a 'place of rest' amid the storm, as opposed to getting caught up in the storm.
But what I'm saying is that just following what creates those feelings in my body is a very advanced practice. In my opinion. I think feelings are FAR more 'informed' than our intellect. My emotions 'understand' my situation in ways that my mind simply cannot grasp. Basically, the heart is VERY wise. And it's great because I get to take a holiday from thinking. Which is very refreshing. So leave your brains at the door sometimes, and just be 'taught' by the unflattering !! results of your day to day habitual choices.
By the way this does NOT mean that I endorse never thinking or studying books. Reading and study have their place. I could not recover without the use of my mind, but you need to bE able to do both. Use your mind and have a rest from thinking.

Just so you know: this guidance stems from the instruction regarding (what I see as) gods will in the Big Book where it says:
"We are SURE God wants us to be happy joyous and free" p133.

Have a nice Monday!

Does 'pain', or unfavorable circumstances, (past or present), put you at risk of drinking?

I have (former) Sponsees who have had VERY painful interpretations of their past, and 'heavy' baggage to process. Plus some very REAL 'challenges' in recovery!! (Not abuse issues, they belong to the 'drinking years!'}
'Painful' issues as regard to the distant drinking past can include, broken hearts, violence, physical and sexual abuse. Parental cruelty and neglect.
Current challenges can include career and scary financial issues. Serious illness, dealing with former abusive partners in separation wrangles. Anything really!
You name it! But they do NOT find themselves thinking of drinking. Even the ones with previously HEAVY drinking patterns.

I see 'pain' and the desire to drink as TWO SEPERATE THINGS.
One says a lot about the things you learned in step 4 and how you take inventory on a daily basis.
The other says a lot about now much you are helping newcomers. And weather you have REALLY learned how to help them.

I have often said to Sponsees who are CONVINCED their CIRCUMSTANCES mean they have no choice but to 'suffer', and mentally deteriorate..

"Some of us have taken VERY hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job, wife or no wife, we simply do NOT stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people (places and things) ahead of dependence on God" p98

"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could NOT survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead." p14

"Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics." p89

"We CANNOT subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears, though it once was just that for many of us." p113

"It is a design for living that WORKS in ROUGH going." p15

"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an ALCOHOLIC MIND; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!" p101

The truth WILL set you free. Not MIGHT set you free

I always say 'The truth will set you free'.
(I know its' not original, but I DO end up saying it quite a lot to people!)

So, the 'rule' is, if it doesn't feel 'free', then it simply just ISN'T the 'truth'.
Well that's how I see it anyway.

That explains also why it is 'gods will' for us to be 'happy joyous and FREE'.
I LOVE the word 'free' as a description of an inner condition. If I REALLY feel 'free' inside myself, then I ALWAYS feel happy and joyous at the same time. I cannot imagine feeling 'free' inside myself and NOT feeling 'happy and joyous' at the same time.
Free (to me) describes the feeling I have when I accept things as they are without needing to change them. Its actually hard to describe what it feels like inside, but its a really LOVELY feeling. I am not bound to any particular outcome, there is a feeling of no obstruction, no roadblock, no tangle, no Gordian knot!
Like when Bill describes his 'spiritual awakening'
"I felt lifted up, as though the great clean wind of a mountain top blew through and through." (from Bills' story in the Big Book)

That sort of describes what 'free' feels like. Its a lovely emotion, and I do not expect to be able to do it justice by trying to describe it in words. But it is a very godly thing. And tells us we are on track.

Another way I think of what the 'free' feeling is, is being like the way people say they feel when they have near death experiences or out of body experiences. You know when people have road accidents or heart attacks and find themselves looking down at their body DISPASSIONATELY and AT PEACE whilst the ambulance people attend to the body, or while the surgeon performs life saving surgery? Well that is sort of how I see what 'free' means.

It's the absence of drama, and self will. No controlling tendency, and a sense of peace in an otherwise traumatic set of conditions.
(By the way there is a GREAT chapter on near death experiences in the book 'The Tibetan Book of living and Dying' by Sogyal Rinpoche.)

I suppose what I'm saying is that 'free' for me, means feeling UNATTACHED to people, places, and things, and outcomes.

I would say the OPPOSITE of 'free' would be what I call CONTRACTION, which is another way of saying resentment. All resentment creates (to some degree) a 'knot' of anxiety inside, and Buddhists often refer to these emotional imbalances as 'contraction'. BAD feelings do not feel 'free', they feel 'contracted', 'knotty', 'stuck'. All 'bad' feelings are resentments in some form. (as far as I am concerned anyway). 'Free' is like saying 'no resentment'.

So anything that DOESN'T feel like that, is JUST NOT TRUE. (Based on my understanding of that statement)
It doesn't mean I am NOT experiencing stuff that doesn't feel 'free', it just means that the beliefs that are 'propping up' those feelings are DELUSION. They are not 'right view'. They are INCORRECT assessments of reality. If I COULD see the 'truth' (or reality) it would NOT feel like that.

For me the 'truth' is what people (say they) experience when they die, the blissful infinite ?? condition of light, you hear people talking about. I've never had one (that I am aware of) but I have always LOVED the way people describe that 'place'. The glimpses of 'grace' that I get from talking to my higher power and trying to be of service give me a CLUE as to how good it could feel to connect with that 'place' permanently.
Personally I don't think ANYONE knows the truth really, except 'god', whatever 'god' is. There's no point trying to figure it out, but the GOOD news is that even if we have NO CLUE what the 'truth' is, we can STILL 'become more like' our higher power, because..

You MOVE TOWARDS, and BECOME LIKE, THAT WHICH YOU THINK ABOUT, whether it is good for you, or bad for you

So rather than waste time trying to figure out the impossible (ie the 'truth'), I just use my feelings to guide me to what feels free. The freer I feel, the closer I am to the 'truth'. The more 'attached' and 'un-free' I feel, the more I am in DELUSION.
This always cheers me up when I am tangled up in some unhappy condition! Some part of me KNOWS that the condition I am feeling is NOT reality. It is a 'twisted' version of reality. 'Twisted' by me and my self will!

Bloody ell! Isn't it weird that the thoughts and reasoning we take for granted after a while of being in recovery, are just so weird! We are funny animals. I think It's funny that our ordinary daily lives are permeated by this sort of reasoning. Who'd have thought eh? It's a funny old world! If I didn't have this information, I just couldn't function. I would be overwhelmed! Its funny that we need this weird esoteric s**t, just to function on a most basic level, and get out of bed in the morning. Weird. No wonder non recovering people find us a bit odd! The longer I am around, the more embarrassed I am to explain what I really think about things, because a lot of it sounds a bit weird. Oh well. At least my Sponsees understand where I'm coming from! I love the simple practical suggestions too though, but this esoteric 'stuff' plays an integral part in my mundane daily tasks as well.

'Seeing through a glass darkly': Limits of reasoning. Unknowns and Uncertainties. Projections.

Needing to be be reassured by some kind of reasoning to make sense of reality is very limited as most of our reasoning, no matter how plausible and cogent, is really at best only a half truth. 'we see through a glass darkly' as they say.
As for being uncomfortable with unanswerable questions and uncertainties. well that would be problematic too, as life is quite simply chock-full of those!
Acceptance of the unknown and uncertain is invaluable if you are planning on being comfortable in your own skin for very long.

It's ALL just our 'projections' we see. NOT reality.
It would be a VERY different world if we could see things as they ARE, instead of how we THINK they are.
Trust me. We'd ALL get a few surprises! To say the least.

We see, not what is in front of us, but pretty much what we WANT TO SEE. Basically ALL perception is HIGHLY suspect. We end up filtering reality, so that what we see only confirms our pet theories. It takes a brave soul to question perception and maintain awareness of our biases in relation to what we WANT to see.
The pet theory is a VERY strong mindset. We all have our own cosy little ideologies of some sort or another. Sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong in a completely disastrous way. And most of the time we cannot tell which is which. In hindsight yes. But certainly not before.
So all I'm saying is don't be so sure that the approach you are using and the beliefs you are using as benchmarks are right, or reliable. They may not be.

Delusion is a BIG part of the mind and we NEVER outgrow it, so its no big deal. Denial and delusion is kept alive ONLY by dishonesty. Which is effectively a SELECTIVE interpretation of events, in favor of our own (usually ego feeding) pet theories.
All bias is a form of dishonesty, and denial is an extreme position of bias. We are seeing things ONLY as WE want to see them. Regardless of how glaringly obvious it is to everyone else that we are out of touch with reality!
Unfortunately denial is an 'invisible' weakness to whomever is suffering from it, so they will have NO idea they are in denial. Even if everyone else can see it. 'Its a disease that tells you you don't have it'.

I think this is why the big book tells us our greatest weapon against 'grave mental and emotional disorders' is HONESTY.
Honesty works against both delusion and denial, and enables us to see things slightly more clearly. no matter how uncomfortable that reality is. I don't think we would have the courage to see things like that without a higher power. I know I couldn't. My higher power is a rock amongst all this uncertainty and delusion. At least one of us has a clue what's what!

I only thought of this as I was explaining to a former Sponsee the other day that its actually very healthy to see how WRONG we have been about things for so long. Needless to say, she wasn't experiencing very 'pleasant' emotions at the time!, but I think she could tell, deep down, that what was happening to her was actually very healing, even though it felt uncomfortable. I call these moments 'Step one moments', when 'more is revealed'. Its very humbling!! Very ego puncturing! And often just sad. Thank god a lot of this happens only after step 9! `I just don't think people are ready to see this stuff till then, and certainly without the support of a comforting and informed step 11 practice.
This is why I say in the opening bit 'about me', that I am COMFORTABLE BEING UNCOMFORTABLE.

I promise I WILL get round to cheerier subjects at some point!! I only mention this because I have been encountering this with people at the moment!! That's all! I COMPLETELY forget about these little jigsaw pieces of my recovery to date, until some person jogs my memory about something I haven't got round to explaining on this darned blog, that's all..

The 'North Face' NEVER goes away, so learn to enjoy the journey ANYWAY

We ALL have our mountains to climb. It is all just part of life. You get used to accepting the reality of that after a while. There will ALWAYS be some sort of (what I call) 'north face' to deal with. It's just the aspect of the north face changes from year to year. sometimes its work, sometimes its relationship, sometimes its spiritual growth, sometimes its about where we live, sometimes it's the way we relate to AA, or the programme of AA. It's always something!
Once you get used to the idea that there will ALWAYS be challenging and confronting work to do, it makes it easier to try to enjoy the journey by doing stuff to make it fun. What I mean is once you get used to the idea that we are never 'cured' of the difficulties of life, you stop resenting it, and learn to try to enjoy the bittersweet journey.
It is always possible to access joyful mind states if we have wholesome things in our lives. good people, good spiritual practice, and ANYTHING that makes us feel good to be alive. Just looking at a flower will bring up feelings of joy. The trick is incorporating these aspects into our lives, to work against the necessary challenges we have to make in order to move forwards in our lives. We cant just do 'serious' growth work all the time. We'd drive ourselves mad if we did! We have to have SOME fun. There's a lot of mucky work to do, so if we don't experience real joy in some form or other, the task will become overwhelming. So eating well, exercise, and rest, and fun stuff are vital in order to keep yourself going.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

The reason I mention this is because some people think that when things are going 'wrong' that this means that they are 'off course'. They aren't. (Well sometimes they are, but that's another story!) But usually it is just your 'next lesson' in life. No you are NOT mad, 'wrong', about to drink, etc etc. you are just human and these are LIFE LESSONS. And no amount of attendance in AA meetings will make them disappear!!!
This is what being a human being is all about! Its a LEARNING PROCESS! And the lessons can often feel very personal. That's probably because they are! There is NOTHING wrong with this.
When you are REALLY new, the lessons can sometimes be very obvious and easy to fix, but that's what sponsors are for. After step 9, they can be a little bit more perplexing to solve! But that's life! Its just the deal with being a human being. Nothing to be concerned about. What I mean is that the 'North face' is NO BIG DEAL. It is NOT necessary to have an ANXIOUS relationship towards it. You can be accepting and peaceful about the 'north face'.

(I might add, if you feel like crap but you have not done the first 9 steps, or have a sponsor, or go to meetings, then the reason you feel lousy is because you are not working the programme!!!! This post addresses those who ARE following AA suggestions, but think they are getting it wrong because they experience difficulty sometimes.)

Right I'm off to the gym then library!! I am skiving by going online!! I shouldn't really be posting! Nice to see you all and thank you for your kind and supportive comments!

SERIOUSLY easy going, and a little bit wild!

Its very common for aa's to interpret sobriety as some sort of 'super responsible' 'well-meaning, 'well-intentioned' identity.
Well yes it is, but its also VERY easy going. If you try too hard to be 'good', you will wear yourself out! Plus it will be no fun!
There has to be a little room for wildness and unpredictability and play, otherwise it all gets VERY serious and dreary. I like the book 'Women who run with the wolves' because it describes a very healthy form of 'wildness'. Amongst other things.

Stop trying so hard!
Stop trying to be 'good' or 'nice'. (It looks sugary and fake anyway) Integrity is FAR more attractive.
Avoid being earnest, over responsible, and serious.

Easy does it, but do it!
Wear life like a loose garment.

Combating worry: The 'firing line' quote says it all really..

I find a good way to stop worrying about little problems is to get a BIGGER problem! True! It works! It helps put things in perspective!
You know the term 'compassion fatigue'? Well I sort of got 'anxiety fatigue' after one thing, then another...
In the end i just gave up worrying. no point. there's only so much adrenalin your body can deal with!
My situation has many uncertains, but I can honestly say I'm not bothered. 'ill cross that bridge when I get to it' sort of thing. but initially when the first uncertainties came along, I thrashed about a bit, looking VAINLY for something secure to hang on to, then I got 'sick and tired of being sick and tired', and sort of 'gave in'. Now I feel fine! Nothing has changed, I just trust more!
But I like to think I have 'paid my dues' when it comes to helping alcoholics. that's MY 'insurance policy'. and I make SURE I make those payments EVERY DAY.
All I know is that things seem to work out as long as I GENUINELY look for ways of contributing to the stream of life EVERY DAY. Faith without WORKS is dead as they say. the 'firing line' quote says it all really. well that's the 'rule' I live by anyway...

Keep on the firing line of life with these MOTIVES* and God WILL keep you unharmed. p102

(*Motive here refers to the 'desire to be of MAXIMUM helpfulness/service')

'Thrashing about' is a prelude to growth

Thrashing about in early recovery is pretty normal. not even remotely atypical.
In later recovery it's a HEALTHY sign that you are challenging some deeply held 'old ideas'.
I can STILL feel pulled in two separate directions, 20 years on! There is always SOME sort of pull toward sabotage and another towards hope and a better life. I may not think of drinking (I don't AT ALL as a matter of fact), but the proverbial 'devil' on the one shoulder and the 'angel on the other, is just a STANDARD FEATURE of the human condition. I just think it gets played out more dramatically in early recovery.
Its' important to be honest about whatever is bothering you. that's what honesty is. telling the truth, without worrying what others think. It's a VERY valuable skill.
As long as I continue to grow and challenge my old ways of looking at things, I experience that 'thrashing about' to SOME extent. so you're in good company!
So for those of who who have (wrongly) concluded you are 'off course' because you are experiencing this, don't!. I think you're getting there, no doubt about it! Just keep on keepin on, and all that..