Conflict resolution: NOTHING is black and white. ..So find the THIRD WAY

Arguing the toss. Fighting Fair. Conflict Resolution.
NOTHING is black and white,

So don't be INFLEXIBLE or STUBBORN when it comes to 'I want' or 'who's right'.

Why?
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our (DEEPLY INGRAINED) old ideas and the result was NIL until we LET GO absolutely." BB p58

"We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument." 12x12 Step Ten

"We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn". 12x12 Step Ten

"we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down." 12x12 Step Ten

"We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish." 12x12 Step Ten

"We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention." 12x12 Step Ten

"It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up." 12x12 Step Ten

Let go or be dragged (Slogan from meetings)

There is ALWAYS a THIRD WAY.
It just takes a bit of CREATIVITY!
Which you should have in SPADES if you are a bit creative!

Well lets face it, we were ALL very CREATIVE when it came to FINDING WAYS TO GET TRASHED.
Well then. I rest my case!

If you both seem to have different outlooks regarding something,
Ask yourself if you can think of a way of 'managing' those seemingly opposing preferences,
Can you think of a bargain you can make between yourselves or boundaries that would allow for the needs of both in a CONSIDERATE way?

Most of life just requires a little bit of imagination! That's all!

Happy Quotes. From places other than the Big Book

It is a spiritual axiom that EVERY time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US.
Step 10. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

If you're happy, would you please inform your face!

Sober not Somber

Service is Gratitude in action.

I complained because I had no shoes; until I met a man that had no feet

We don't see things as they are, we see them as WE are.
Anais Nin.

I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.
Oprah.

Then he did something else that was to become an A.A. classic. It all went on a little card about golf-score size. The cover read: "Middleton Group #1. Rule #62." Once the card was unfolded, a single pungent sentence leaped to the eye: "Don't take yourself too damn seriously."
Tradition 4. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions

Bludgeoned and beaten into Humility by unremitting suffering.
'We saw we needn't always be bludgeoned and beaten into humility. It could come quite as much from our voluntary reaching for it as it could from unremitting suffering.'
Step 7. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.

Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders" often led straight to the bottle. Other kinds of disturbances--jealousy, envy, self-pity, or hurt pride--did the same thing.
Step 10. 12 Steps and 12 Traditions.

Happiness IS an inside job

Maybe good, maybe bad, who knows?
Taoist Parable.

Neither 'good' or 'bad', 'right' or 'wrong', It just IS.
Buddhist.

It's ALL alright.
(Revered Buddhist monk whose name I didn't write down when I heard this quote.)

EVERYTHING is teaching us.
Ajahn Chah

Yesterday’s history. Tomorrow’s a mystery, Today is a Gift, that's why they call it The Present

If the people in your life really DO treat you badly, whose responsibility is it?

If you miss the bus, it wasn't your bus

EVERY time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US

My favorite old timer used to always say this quote, so I thought I'd mention it. It's from Step 10 in the 12 x 12. I'd forgotten how embedded in my brain this whole passage is, so I'd thought I'd repeat it here.

"It is a spiritual axiom that EVERY time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with US."

These are my favorite bits from the following paragraphs..
emotional "dry benders"
When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot.
Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.
We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument.
big shot.
Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better,
There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't.
when our real motive was to win a useless argument.
our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down.
We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention.
this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one,
This subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought.

Here are the paras in their entirety
If somebody hurts us and we are sore, we are in the wrong also. But are there no exceptions to this rule? What about "justifiable" anger? If somebody cheats us, aren't we entitled to be mad? Can't we be properly angry with self-righteous folk? For us of A.A. these are dangerous exceptions. We have found that justified anger ought to be left to those better qualified to handle it. Few people have been more victimized by resentments than have we alcoholics. It mattered little whether our resentments were justified or not. A burst of temper could spoil a day, and a well-nursed grudge could make us miserably ineffective. Nor were we ever skillful in separating justified from unjustified anger. As we saw it, our wrath was always justified. Anger, that occasional luxury of more balanced people, could keep us on an emotional jag indefinitely. These emotional "dry benders"

The quick inventory is aimed at our daily ups and downs, especially those where people or new events throw us off balance and tempt us to make mistakes. In all these situations we need self-restraint, honest analysis of what is involved, a willingness to admit when the fault is ours, and an equal willingness to forgive when the fault is elsewhere. We need not be discouraged when we fall into the error of our old ways, for these disciplines are not easy. We shall look for progress, not for perfection. Our first objective will be the development of self restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic.

Disagreeable or unexpected problems are not the only ones that call for self-control. We must be quite as careful when we begin to achieve some measure of importance and material success. For no people have ever loved personal triumphs more than we have loved them; we drank of success as of a wine which could never fail to make us feel elated. When temporary good fortune came our way, we indulged ourselves in fantasies of still greater victories over people and circumstances. Thus blinded by prideful self confidence, we were apt to play the big shot. Of course, people turned away from us, bored or hurt. Now that we're in A.A. and sober, and winning back the esteem of our friends and business associates, we find that we still need to exercise special vigilance. As an insurance against "big-shot-ism" we can often check ourselves by remembering that we are today sober only by the grace of God and that any success we may be having is far more His success than ours. Finally, we begin to see that all people, including ourselves, are to some extent emotionally ill as well as frequently wrong, and then we approach true tolerance and see what real love for our fellows actually means. It will become more and more evident as we go forward that it is pointless to become angry, or to get hurt by people who, like us, are suffering from the pains of growing up.

Here we need only recognize that we did act or think badly, try to visualize how we might have done better, and resolve with God's help to carry these lessons over into tomorrow, making, of course, any amends still neglected. But in other instances only the closest scrutiny will reveal what our true motives were. There are cases where our ancient enemy, rationalization, has stepped in and has justified conduct which was really wrong. The temptation here is to imagine that we had good motives and reasons when we really didn't. We "constructively criticized" someone who needed it, when our real motive was to win a useless argument. Or, the person concerned not being present, we thought we were helping others to understand him, when in actuality our true motive was to feel superior by pulling him down. We sometimes hurt those we love because they need to be "taught a lesson," when we really want to punish. We were depressed and complained we felt bad, when in fact we were mainly asking for sympathy and attention. This odd trait of mind and emotion, this perverse wish to hide a bad motive underneath a good one, permeates human affairs from top to bottom. This subtle and elusive kind of self-righteousness can underlie the smallest act or thought.

'Boy meets Girl on AA campus', 'wishful thinking' and 'deep-lying emotional handicaps'

I'm saying nothing but I thought reminding you all of this passage might be useful.(!!) From the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions: "It is only where 'boy meets girl on AA campus,' and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop."

A.A. has many single alcoholics who wish to marry and are in a position to do so. Some marry fellow A.A.'s. How do they come out? On the whole these marriages are very good ones. Their common suffering as drinkers, their common interest in A.A. and spiritual things, often enhance such unions.
It is only where "boy meets girl on A.A. campus," and love follows at first sight, that difficulties may develop.
The prospective partners need to be solid A.A.'s and long enough acquainted to know that their compatibility at spiritual, mental, and emotional levels is a fact and not wishful thinking.
They need to be as sure as possible that no deep-lying emotional handicap in either will be likely to rise up under later pressures to cripple them.

The considerations are equally true and important for the A.A.'s who marry "outside" A.A. With clear understanding and right, grown-up attitudes, very happy results do follow.

And what can be said of many A.A. members who, for a variety of reasons, cannot have a family life? At first many of these feel lonely, hurt, and left out as they witness so much domestic happiness about them. If they cannot have this kind of happiness, can A.A. offer them satisfactions of similar worth and durability? Yes--whenever they try hard to seek them out. Surrounded by so many A.A. friends, these so-called loners tell us they no longer feel alone. In partnership with others--women and men--they can devote themselves to any number of ideas, people, and constructive projects. Free of marital responsibilities, they can participate in enterprises which would be denied to family men and women. We daily see such members render prodigies of service, and receive great joys in return.