Nothing is as good or as bad as you think

Nothing is as good or as bad as you think.
I just thought I would mention this as it's been on my mind lately.

If I feel as though my mind is being drawn towards some sort of drama, some sort of resistance, some sort of inclination to get caught up in a ‘fight’, I remind myself of this motto. It is very anti-drama. It is very hard to hold onto drama when I remind myself of this motto. It gets me out of polar thinking. Black-and-white thinking. Us and them thinking.

All drama is bullshit really, but we fall for it every time. Just the ego desperately looking for a hook. Anything to create division, get us back up on the moral hilltop, and create a separate sense of self.
I think a lot of the time I kind of feel my way to the right answer. Meaning if I feel peaceful and reconciled. If I have stopped fighting, then I know I am doing something right.

And if I am still at war with something, even if it is merely some internal surge toward ‘contending’ against something, (even when I have said nothing), as far as I am concerned, I am full of crap. A little harsh you might think, but to me resentment is poison, and when I feel it internally, it feels like poison. It feels wrong. Like strange tiny green ivy tendrils encircling my veins and arteries and weaving its way through my body in ever-increasing quantities. An energetic poison. I feel embarrassed and stupid.* Like being stuck with spinach on your teeth at a party. Like farting in an elevator. I find resentment socially embarrassing, even when I’m alone in my own company.
*When I say stupid I mean that familiar Step one feeling of being caught with your pants down. Knowing you’ve been rumbled. It’s very humbling. It feels foolish but in a good way.

Resentment feels wrong even when on the surface it’s something that could be easily justified. Wanting revenge against a paedophile for instance. Wanting to punish an ‘evildoer’. It’s all the same in the end. Just another justified resentment. Baseless. A fiction to prop up the ego.

But basically, I really love this motto when I’m feeling ‘drama’. What I mean is when I am making a problem out of something, as thats when I feel like there is a drama. It seems to stop the drama in its tracks. It goes against my innate pre-programming toward drama and that’s why I like it. I believe it to be true. It’s like cool water. I want to keep it close in my mind when thing seem tough. It’s like a friend.

Hope you’re all having a lovely Tuesday. I’m still up to my eyes in papers and books. Physically and mentally tired. I still have plenty of inner rebellion against study, so am trying very hard to do the next right thing, which in this case involves looking at the next page, a paragraph at a time if necessary. Bleh. I find it interesting that the material I am studying is so universally disliked by other students, (apparently, but who knows if they are telling the truth) even the ones that gave me the impression that they were into it. It seems very difficult so I just have to plough through it. I’m very much in the just for today card ‘do something for 24hrs that would appal you if you thought you had to keep it up for a lifetime’ territory :)

Going beyond the 'rules': Being willing to relinquish all your fixed ideas and instead do what seems most helpful in any given situation

Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others. AA Big Book p102.
The good is the enemy of the best. AA 12x 12 Tradition 2.
People tend to flip-flop between extremes, and no two people are the same. The only thing that differs is the extent to which they have become unbalanced in any direction.
They might start off completely repressed and utterly unable to sit with difficult feelings without dashing off to buy something, or make themselves very busy, rush off into distracting activity, or start another project.
Then there are others who come in completely awash with overwhelming emotions that disable any attempt at regular living.

When I am trying to assess what is in others best interests I look at the circumstances they are dealing with and their capacity to patiently (as opposed to bitterly) endure suffering or lack of capacity to endure suffering
So lets say if somebody showed up ridiculously chirpy (and there's nothing inherently wrong with being ridiculously chirpy), but the way in which they were being ridiculously chirpy meant that they were unable to also be not chirpy when the situation demanded. Then I might tell them in their inflexibility could wreak havoc with their emotional well-being down the line.

Ultimately the goal is total flexibility. Or what AA calls ‘open-mindedness’. Meaning you do whatever works best in any given situation regardless of whether it ‘suits’ you or not. Regardless of whether it appeals to your current pet theories (what AA calls ‘fixed ideas’) or not.
That's why I like the statement in my introduction to my blog that says "I just try to do what works no matter what it is".
Another slogan I love is ‘more of what works and less of what doesn't’, because it bypasses any particular entrenched belief pattern and focuses instead on what is working in any given moment. Because what works this week might not work best for me next week. And if I am paying attention sufficiently to the results that I am getting from my attempts to make my life work, then I like to think I will notice when the method that worked fantastically last month, may no longer be serving my best interests this month.

The other mantra I like is "the rules are, there are no rules". It sounds like a recipe for a total anarchy but it isn't. A bad workman blames his tools. So if I were to meet somebody that used this ‘rule’ as an excuse to sabotage their life in a heedless and destructive manner, I would not find fault with the ‘rule’ but I would find great fault with the unskilful way that person decided to use it.

Another thing that I find interesting is that what looks like a purist ‘good’ rule can be ‘bad’, meaning it can be used in a way that creates massive suffering and destruction. And what looks like a ‘bad’ rule can be used in a way that's incredibly life enhancing and supportive.
I suppose what I'm saying is that it's not the rule that is ‘pure’ but instead it is the skilfulness which with which the rule is applied where the ‘purity’ exists. ..And that’s why when people stop thinking about how they are applying what they have learned to any given situation, and instead revert to default understandings they haven't really questioned in years, that problems develop.

The problem is that people aren't paying attention, or don't stop to think about why they are actually doing things the way they are doing them. It's very sad that most people are far too restless or busy to stop and think about what they are doing. So I consider myself extremely lucky to have been given the opportunity to learn from the example of those who have made it a habit to reflect upon their lives deeply, no matter how much they have learned so far. Only very arrogant people draw the mistaken assumption that because they worked hard and read a few self help/therapy/enlightenment books, that there is nothing left for them to learn. On the contrary there is an !!!! infinite amount to learn and we are all a work in progress. Don't ever make the mistake that you think you know what you're talking about, because you probably don't. If you can tolerate the insecurity of knowing that you will never really know the whole picture, then you can relax. It doesn't have to be a big deal that none of us know the answers to the intangible. We can live our lives very comfortably resolved to the fact that we see through a glass darkly, and that's as good as it will ever get. The most important things in life are the things that are hardest to see with the naked eye. Which is frustrating until you become comfortable and better able to tolerate the insecurity of that reality.
So question everything. Try not to sleepwalk into a life of unquestioned mental/emotional habits. Become comfortable with the uncertainty. Its ok :). And tell the truth nomatter how unflattering and ego puncturing it is.

And if any of what I have said makes you realise how easy it is to become unstuck using these so-called spiritual principles, well take heed. That's what sponsors are for. If you are a new person, trust me, it's ! very easy to misinterpret these guidelines and use them in ways which ruin your well-being. So please try to find a guide to help you implement the tools that AA offers. And please do your due diligence on the person you are considering asking to be your sponsor. Learn as much as you can from the examples in AA because you can learn from anyone, not just your sponsor. An old timer used to say "A wise person learns from his own mistakes, a smart person learns from other people's". So you can learn from !! everyone in AA.

oh yes, and here's a quote I heard today which I really love.
Saying 'Yes' to life is real renunciation. ~Pema Chodron~

Right: well I'm going to do some work now.. a strong cup of coffee will do the trick I think.
I hope Wednesday is treating you well :)

'Unlocated': Distresses and exasperates the thinking mind.

St Paul's Cathedral shrouded in thick (pea soup) fog one Saturday 6.15am, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Unlocated.
That's my favorite word of the day. Something that defies ? Location. Cannot specify its boundaries. Does not have a 'postcode'. Like no beginning and no end. Doesn't start 'here' and end 'there'.
Cant be grasped by the mind. Cannot be held. Cannot be possessed. Defies being 'pinned down' to a specific meaning or place in the world.
Feels slippery in the mind. And makes the mind flail around getting more and more upset as its limited range of function cannot 'get' it. Very upsetting for the mind. Very frustrating.
Cannot be encapsulated by a neat mental code or description. Just when you think you've got it you haven't. Like trying to capture a butterfly in your hand. The moment you exert yourself to contain it, the moment vanishes and the butterfly is squashed by the act of grasping.
Its like walking a rope but forcing yourself not to look down. You deprive yourself of the opportunity to get a 'fix' on your location. And you STAY that way. Free floating unlocated undefined experience. Scary!

I think the first time AA's get this type of experience is when they try to define a higher power. ..Well once they have settled into AA and start trying to think about what an HP actually is.
When people are new they tend to be very !!! confident about whatever their belief happens to be. That there IS a god, or there is NO god, or that they are an ATHEIST. Basically its all very neat and tidy. All sorted. Even if they are undecided they are very confident about the fact that they are undecided. Full of confidence in their beliefs basically.

The 'HP' defies definition. And so the act of mentally trying to define it will exasperate the mind, and always have an unfinished quality. Something lacking. Something not yet located.
This is what Amaro calls unlocated, and he often refers to this term when he talks about things.
I have the same experience when I (!) try to understand monastics or the like. I get the same slippery exasperating, unfinished quality of mind in their presence.

The pathetic hankering of the mind to satisfy it's need to DEFINE everything and create boundaries for every experience makes me laugh. Its pathetic really. Such an inadequate attempt to nail down some thing that cannot be nailed down. Reminds me of a cat pathetically pawing at the door trying to get in. kind of feeble. Gets the mind nowhere. Just an instinctive ITCH (what Amaro would call the grasping mind) to get an answer. To define and categorize everything.

Being around unlocated people is weird too. I get that feeling around monks and nuns and the like. They are neither one thing nor the other. They are neither here nor there. You cannot nail em down. They !!!!! confuse the brain. Thankfully they also create something whilst in their presence that reassures sufficiently so as to not create a sense of !! total flailing. There is a parallel experience of 'all is well' in addition to the unlocated presence they emanate.

Every now and again I (stupidly) think I can second guess these kinds of people. I try really hard to guess what they will reply to questions and answers sessions for instance. What I LOVE about them, is that they never say what I anticipate. Which is great.

An example of just how valuable this quality is, is to examine its polar opposite. (This is just an idea and may be worthless BTW). But we all have got to know a troll who posts abusive hate speech about AA in defiance of the regulations Blogger and google imposes upon such acts.
But that's beside the point. What's very interesting is how 'located' his thought forms are. There is nothing inherent in his statements that renders uncertainty in any form. All is certain. All is 'placed'. All is nailed down.
Well I don't think you can nail the universe down. Or any of its constituent elements. There are many clues in his speech which point to greed hatred and delusion, so I'm not claiming to have stumbled upon anything particularly clever here. I'm just saying that the 'fixed position' is the opposite of 'unlocated'.
And that I do not trust any kind of fixed position. I see the exception to the rule, splintering the validity of the 'rule'.
But there you go. Open minded versus fixed closed positions on the world. Nothing new there. But yeah I am in love with the word 'unlocated' at the moment. It is helping me see where I would like my mind to be, and to teach me to learn how to endure the distress in the mind when all attempts to categories and name 'it', fail.
But there you go.

Hehe. Anyway. That's today's pointless meanderings. Like I always say. Amaro say it much, much better than I ever could, and manages mot to sound like a pompous fool when he says them. So if any of this piques your curiosity, then listen to how he explains it in his mp3's. He's very, very good. Well I think so..

And I hope you americans manage to do the 'next right thing' when you vote today. Which I hope you will. I am sure I need not remind you of the voting conditions that led to the last US president being voted in. Basically ALL the votes would appear to count after all, if the last election is anything to go by.
My favorite old timer used to say "Ask yourself.. Which is the most COMPASSIONATE person/party? ..when deciding who to vote for" which I found useful.
We may not have an ideal person or party to vote for, but the least we can do is vote for the lousy best out there and see what happens. If we wait for ideal conditions, we will be waiting a Loooonnng!!!! time! So please follow your conscience and express your right to choose the lousy best out there. It may help or it may not, but you just never !!!!! know. No harm in trying.
So yes, good luck to all you ! anxious americans out there. Hope your nerves are not too shattered. :) Good luck!
Anyway. I'm off. I have essays to write :) as usual! Have yourselves a grand old Tuesday.

What is Love?

Hmm. Yes. Love is very interesting thing. So many different ideas about what it is.
I find "The end of love and hate" by Amaro as very interesting. He mentions sticky, possessive, restrictive, attachment, fixed views, type of love.

I see love as a commitment to doing the next right thing. Being willing to go to any lengths (p76,79, AA Big Book) to do so. Whether my feelings support that aspiration or not.
But I like the aspiration of abandoning all craving. All clinging. "let go absolutely' (p58, AA Big Book) ..as they say
Being able to hold the moment. (not feverishly cling to it) Understand that it is beautiful, but not cling to it or hang on to it longer than it will last. Ask more of the moment than it can deliver.
All beautiful moments pass away and are replaced by other moments. The craving mind is the enemy (for want of a better word) that destroys the peace. Not the inevitable passing of all conditioned reality. The coming and going of all people places and things. 'This too shall pass' as they say. well yes. It does.

Like an aa member in my home group said ? ages ago. Pain is not caused by change. It is caused by RESISTANCE to change.

But I see resistance as nothing more than the CRAVING mind. Trying to hold on to an 'old idea'. (p58, AA Big Book)
It is the craving, the clinging that is the cause of the suffering. Not the conditions.
Anyway, I think you would find Amaros explanation of love and hate as very interesting.

At 16.56 minutes in the talk called "We Are More Than Our Feelings" Munindo talks about fully surrendering to the delight of the moment without getting 'lost' in it. A quiet knowing of the relativity of experience. The impermanence. Its a fabulous talk. Well I think so.

I like Tom's description of love, in his myspace post called "Run from the heard"

"What I find most odd is the extreme confusion over such a simple concept as Love. As a society, we've grown so self-obsessed that most confuse love with lust, and have totally lost the notion of Love as a perfect ideal that's unchanging, true, and an object to die for. It's quite a simple concept when you think about it. However, it's easy for selfish desires to "drug" within us any notion of objective idealism, creating deep rooted subjective confusion. So we can now actually believe such erroneous statements as "we are no longer in love," or "we grew apart," etc. to explain failed relationships.

C.S. Lewis said that "we don't fall into and out of Love like bathwater." Precisely. If we are in Love, we shall forever be in Love. If we presume to have fallen out of Love, then we were never in love in the first place.

The disheartening fact that most relationships break-up or end in divorce suggests that most, sadly, never find true love. But how can they, when they've lost the notion of a perfect ideal to some ever-changing, relativistic lustful feeling construed as Love? I read recently that 10 out of the last 11 relationships on The Bachelor have failed. Well is it any surprise when there's no aspiration to common values, morals, or spiritual beliefs – the necessary elements of Love? Isn't it all rather self-centered chaos ending in recycled failure? When shall we break this tiresome cycle of recycled errors?

I'm not jaded; I'm just not drugged. Whatever I do in this life, I shall not be a herd statistic, and conform to a pervasive and undermining motive of self-centeredness. I'd rather die trying to discover a perfect ideal implanted in my heart by a higher Source, a perfect notion of Love, everlasting beyond Time immemorial, a Love that is the "same yesterday, today and forever," not dependent on fleeting feeling or emotion, though the cause of romantic emotion, beyond happiness and sadness, and underpinned by godly morals and values."

He's linked on my blog in my list of 'people I like' as opposed to an alcoholic blogger. An interesting guy. He's very !! much IN the world, but not OF it. Nice bloke.

Listening to what your mind is saying is like randomly passing through different radio stations

View of Tower Bridge from the Millennium Bridge at 5am, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

This is stuff I typed from Ajahn Amaro's talk called Imbibing Peace in Body and Mind
The Bracketed numbers are minutes and seconds references to the talk, so you know where to find the bits once you download the mp3 onto your itunes or ipod. Its all his talk. I really like his stuff. Theres a great bit on worry at the beginning but I didn't include it. Here's the talk:

(28.33)
Listening to what your mind is saying is like randomly passing through different radio stations
It has: Different things to say
Different moods
Different flavors
Some are worthwhile and interesting
Some are meaningless
Like: Some politician trying to get you to vote for them
Someone wanting you to buy a truck from their showroom
Someone wanting you to get excited about their new song
A lot of of it is pointless and biased,
and just reiterations of the conditioning of a lifetime.

So its just developing a relaxed attitude toward our own thinking.
The things we are excited about.
The things we are annoyed about.
The things we are afraid of.
The things we are irritated by.
The things we are inspired by.
Get a little bit of distance with our own thinking and own own opinions.

So often the mind has just a reactive, compulsive, lurching quality
Chasing one opinion after another.

"I like this"
"I don't like that"

"This is good"
"That's bad"

"This is right "
"That's wrong"

"It should be this way"
"It shouldn't be like that"

"This is beautiful"
"That's ugly"

"I approve"
"I don't approve"

Like a frantic bunny caught in the headlights dashing from one side of the road to the next in an effort to avoid the oncoming car
Bouncing one way, after another, and another.

Just to be able to step back. Listen to the mind.
Not buy into all of its bouncing around.
Lurching this way and that.
Just to listen to the statements it makes. Like:
"Wow this is really great"
And then just to say, or to ask,.."Is that so?'
Or
"This is terrible!" "This is awful!" "That's the worst thing I've ever seen!"
Respond with: ..Oh. .."Is that so?'

"I'm never ever going to do that again. That was a totally stupid mistake! A total disaster. I'm never going to do that again!"
Or.
"This is great! This is it! I am totally with the programme! This is the true way. I'm never going to wobble again. This is absolutely clear to me. This is totally the thing for me!"

Whatever it might be.
Something we are inspired by,
or irritated by,
Or afraid of,
Pursuing,
Running away from,

The mind makes all kinds of assertions and judgments:
"This is good"
"That's bad"

"This is right"
"That's wrong"

"It should be this way"
"It shouldn't be like that"

"This is beautiful"
"That's ugly"

"I approve"
"I don't approve"

"This is totally uninteresting. Completely mediocre. Unimportant"

Respond with:
Is that so?

Just to notice. There needs to be an effort.
Normally, what we like to do is pursue our moods. Which is creating the causes of unhappiness.
Blindly follow our moods.
Chase after them. Its a habit. Its a familiar pattern of being.

But if we make the effort to introduce a little bit of a gap, a little bit of space in it.
To give ourselves that room to consider:
Is that so?
Is it really that way?
Is that the whole story?

When the mind says: "This is GREAT!"
Is it so great?
Is is always going to be great?

When the mind says: "Its TERRIBLE!"
Is it so terrible?
Or is it just terrible to me?
How does it feel to other people?
Is this just a point of view?
Or is this an absolute truth?
Aha!

Even when the mind is vehemently asserting
"Its NOT just an opinion! This is TRUTH!"
"This is GOOD!"
"That's BAD!"
Yes well you really have a strong opinion that this is the truth.
That's a very very strong feeling. A lot of people have other feelings don't they? Ah. Oh yes..

So just applying that small amount of effort, allowing that small amount of space. Our own natural wisdom is brought into play (35.45) and suddenly we find the world is much more in balance. We are able to harmonize with others. Its not that we are becoming wishy washy, or nebulous, or indecisive about what we do. Its just seeing the whole picture. Feeling how the whole thing fits together. (36.06)

Sometimes just the feeling of trying to dispel a particular kind of attitude.
Maybe the mind is very stuck on an obsession of really wanting something.
Just obsessed with getting this or getting that.
Or obsessed with getting away from something. (37.19)
We can get so used to trying to dispel a feeling, or attitude, that we get habituated to that

"This is bad"
"This is wrong"
"I don't want to feel this way"
"I've got to get rid of this. This thought. This feeling. This attitude. This fear. This aversion. This desire." (37.41)

And so rather than always trying to move away from it, or diminish it, or dissolve it, sometimes the way that we provide that same sort of space around it, the same kind of balancing out, is you take that attitude and you inflate it.
The capacity to take things to absurdity.
So lets say the mind is moving towards self criticism.
"I'm so useless"
"I cant do this properly"

And what I mean by inflating it is
Listening to those judgments
Noticing what the mind is doing
Think it all through and taking it to its logical extremes

"I'm useless"
"I cant concentrate my mind at all"
"I'm a hopeless meditator"
"I'm a hopeless AA member" (added by me IFOB)

Just to say to ourselves:
I probably have the most busy, polluted, unstable, anxious mind in the whole universe.
Of all the human beings that have ever existed, I'm sure that MY mind is the MOST obsessive, compulsive, unstable, superficial, agitated.
There's never been anyone with a mind which is a busy or confused as mine.
I have more hatred than ANYONE else in the whole world.

And if you want something 'x':
Whatever it is that the mind is pursuing..
"I wanna have this!"
"I wanna have that!"

If I had X, and x , and x..
THEN I'd be happy!
I want to own everything in the whole world.
Not just this world. Every world.
If I had EVERYTHING, then I'd REALLY be happy!

You cant even finish the sentence without it being totally absurd.
So sometimes if the mind is obsessively greedy, pursuing. And we are thinking.
"I shouldn't be feeling this
"I've got to get rid of the greed
"Dissolve it
"Let go of it
"I shouldn't be greedy
"I shouldn't be feeling this"

That very urge to let go, gets taken over by a fearfulness, or a repressiveness, and we inflate the issue
is sometimes turning around and saying YES!
I want to have it
I've got to have it all now
All for me! That's good.
And if I had it. I'd be SO happy.
And you know. You cant even finish the sentence without realising. This is totally farcical. It couldn't be that way.

So we end up finding tha quality of spaciousness around the thought or the feeling, or the compulsion. The aversion.
By feeding it
by giving it everything it asks for.
You want some? Have more!
Don't stop now. Take more. Take more! (41.03)

42.59
So these are different ways of working with our minds to provide an awakening. To trigger an awakening to the spaciousness that exist within us.
The spaciousness around our moods, our feelings, our thoughts.
Recognizing that there's actually a lot more room in our lives, more room in our hearts than we recognize. the mind gets so fixed upon objects.
Fixed upon attitudes and plans, and ideas, that we don't notice that. (43.33)
But the more that we are able to notice what the mind is doing.
Seeing that the world is very much the way it is, because of the way that we hold it. And that loosening the grip a little, so that we hold the world rather than feverishly clinging to it.
Pick it up
Hold it
Put it down.

So then we discover a whole quality of ease and spaciousness in our lives, so that then we are able to deal with the possibilities of each moment. The qualities of the past, the present, the future. The kind of work we do in the world. The way we relate to one another. The different people we live and work with. The people in our families. In the world around us.

There's a balanced quality. Simply by remembering.
These are mental states.
These are attitudes that we are creating. And that when we recognize it as being created, we can relax with it.
We realize, we don't have to create this.
We don't have to pursue this, to run away from that.
I don't have to believe that this opinion is an absolute truth. (45.01)

And in that recognition, in awakening to that true spaciousness, then we find a quality of ease and balance within ourselves. We discover that peace which is always here, but we miss it because we are always so busy with this regret and that annoyance. This fear and that passion. We don't notice that peace us already here. We just have to notice it. To imbibe it.

And when we do that, its important to realize that this isn't just a favor to ourselves. When we discover that quality of peacefulness, that quality of inner contentment and happiness in relationship to our own body and our own mind states, because we live together, we affect each other. Wherever we are in our lives, the more that we are able to just take that moment to let go, recognize the tension we are creating. We let it go.

That ease and that peacefulness that is experienced in that moment is a blessing to us, but it is also a blessing to everyone we come into contact with. Whether its the person living next door to you, or the person we are doing dishes with at the sink, or the person we are sharing the freeway with.

Each moment of clarity and peacefulness within us is a blessing to the world around us. It is a benediction to the world. Even in the smallest ways. Even in the tiny and apparently subtle ways. Its a gift to the world.

If we are able to establish those qualities of purity, peacefulness, and contentment, It is then intrinsically conveyed to everyone our life is connected with. (Whether they notice it or not, is another thing,) but it IS conveyed. Because its there. That's what we are manifesting. That's what we are bringing into the world. Whatever we touch. Other creatures. Other people. All that our lives are connected with. They HAVE to be affected by that. It brings some degree of peace and clarity, and quality of ease, into THEIR lives as well. It HAS to be that way. That's the way that nature works.
Just like if we are agitated and busy, and angry and restless, and reactive, then that has its effects on all the beings around us too.
So that we can see for ourselves. So its not just by listening to these words and considering them to be true, because they are being said in a dharma talk but see this for ourselves.
And its not like some sort of grand programme we have to launch into but right in this very moment. This very time. Just seeing the effect of that choice. Making that choice to relax. Let go. Be at ease. And right here we can notice the brightening of the heart. The quality of contentment. The quality of peacefulness. That's right here. Its nowhere else. And we can see for ourselves, how that spreads within us. And spreads around us.

So I offer these thoughts for consideration this evening.

Ajahn Amaro
Imbibing Peace in Body and Mind