Who is the least restless irritable and discontent?

I had this conversation recently with someone who was going through a difficult time and was finding it difficult to tolerate restless irritable and discontented people, because they were just too draining for her. Rather than say to her “stick with the winners” I said something along the lines of - “make it your business to identify and locate the people at work, family, and AA meetings who are the least restless irritable and discontent. Whoever ? those people turn out to be, those are the people that you ought to be affiliating yourself with during this difficult period. When things get back to normal and everything feels fine, then by all means strike up conversations with people you thoroughly dislike, or who have zero social skills or impulse control. But in the meantime put your recovery first. Put principles before personalities. Recovery comes first. Everything else comes 2nd. Friendships come 2nd. Family comes 2nd. Obligations come 2nd. Within reason. i.e. do not use this AA principal as an excuse to abandon basic common sense. (When in doubt, ask your sponsor or another alcoholic first.)

When I was new in recovery, I had a persistently fragile emotional condition that was easily affected by detrimental or negative influences, so I had no choice but to practice “principles before personalities” in order to have some composure and clarity. So out of necessity I had to learn this AA lesson very early on. I often met people who I thought I had something in common with, or whose sense of humour I liked better than others, but because I was so emotionally fragile I had to put those things to one side and focus instead on who seemed the most comfortable and happy in any given meeting.
Their age, social background, level of professionalism, likes and dislikes were just not important. What mattered was how comfortable they were in their own skin.
I knew at the time that what I was practicing was the notion of “sticking with the winners” but because so many people have difficulty with that expression, I’m explaining it a slightly different way here. People often misinterpret this slogan to mean that it infers that the person who is “sticking with the winners” is making a judgment about the people they are choosing not to affiliate themselves with.
That has not been my experience. What I found, and still find, is that when I choose to gravitate toward people who are the least restless irritable and discontent, this is often a very ego puncturing proposition, because it sidesteps my intellect and ideas about who I like or who I agree with, and instead focuses on the conduct of others. Actions speak much louder than words. Talk is cheap. AA is full of people who like to talk, but may not also like to do the next right thing, or simply haven't learned the importance of moral restraint. “Restraint of tongue and pen” and are therefore very heedless.
I can easily form attachments or friendships to people who are likable but at the same time have destructive or heedless behaviours, which cause rough edges one way and another when I'm in conversation with them. Their lack of moral restraint, or heedlessness, is a sort of loose cannon, which can go off at any time. Friendships with people like this are problematic if I spend much time with them or have quite a few conversations with them. I prefer to form friendships with people who understand how not to be heedless. People who have impulse control and are considerate in their speech and action. Ultimately I find that the people whose actions are the most considerate are the people who are also the least restless irritable and discontent. My experience reflects the experience in the big book insofar as the extent to which I am able to “think of other people's needs and how I can help meet them”, is the extent to which I am “freed from the bondage of self”, and are therefore able to understand the meaning of what it is to be “happy joyous and free”.
Basically I am free to the extent that I am not self obsessed.

So if you are going through a disturbed patch, and are wondering who can show your way out of the mental and emotional disturbance. Simply look around you in the meeting and attempt to identify the least restless irritable and discontent person. That is the person most qualified to teach you how to reduce your discomfort. (This rule does not apply if they are glazed over and doped up to the eyeballs with 101 prescribed mind altering drugs!). When I say the least restless irritable and discontent, I mean without the numbing effects of mind altering drugs. (!)

I look for people with a twinkle in their eye, and inner and outer steadiness.
Using this method has always worked for me. It has guided me to some of the most wonderful AA meetings, AA members and people outside AA, so I'm very grateful that AA taught me this lesson.
So I hope you find it useful if you didn't already know about this one :)
Have a lovely Monday, wherever you are :)

AA is not a social club: Friendship in AA is a bonus, not a given.

Firstly let me say I DO know people in AA that are real friends and whose friendship I do value. What I mean here is that I do not use AA as a social club.
I do not go there to 'take', I go to 'give' and therefore "perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because I want to 'survive the certain trials and low spots ahead" (p15, AA Big Book)
Why?
Because the big book tells me it is "imperative to work with others as he had worked with me. Faith without works was dead" (p14, AA Big Book)
So yeah. Meetings are for doing SERVICE.
Everything else is secondary.

So
12 step meetings are for doing service. Not for making friends. As such. Would you look to make friends from people in a psychiatric ward? We are here because we have a VERY serious mental illness, of which one of the symptoms is a devastating recurring blind spot that conveniently forgets "the suffering and humiliation" (p24, AA Big Book) of past drinking. Amongst other things.

"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24, AA Big Book)
Even though we "vaguely sense I was not being any too smart," (p36, AA Big Book)
We have the "curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink." (p37, AA Big Book)
So basically we are a pretty !! mad bunch. In SIGNIFICANT ways. Not minor ones.
Our blind spots are life threatening, until we rid ourselves of this "curious mental phenomenon" (p37, AA Big Book) by completing the first nine steps with the help of a competent sponsor. And keeping it in remission with steps 10 11 and 12.

Most are preoccupied with self. Few seriously think of others. We are all different. It takes ages to teach people how to think of others. 12 step progs can provide a great excuse to become terribly self absorbed whilst deluding oneself that one is a spiritual giant. Easy to do!

I look for friends outside AA mostly, and if friendship occurs in AA I see it as a bonus. Sponsees are good friends as they understand me better than most regardless of how little I see them or speak to them. (more like ex Sponsees at the moment as I am waaay to busy to sponsor at the mo)

I have found face to face is not necessary for friendship and support, but yes we are social animals and we tend to perform worse without the pressures and conflicts social interaction provide. Without these rough spots, we never grow tolerance patience or acceptance.
I find I need time spent being sociable with friends less and less, as I feel connected to them all the time anyway. But yes I need social stimulation to function well.

So I like being around others because I learn from them and am supported by them. But friendship and support comes from absent friends too. People who are not 'in the building'. Books can be friends. Books can be teachers.
Active imagination can feel as real to me as people are. Sometimes feels more real than physical presence. So I can get support without the other needing to be in the building. So to speak.

As regards general friendship. It is the norm that whomever instigates social functions inevitably deals with reluctance and flakiness from those they invite and organize for.
If you are naturally thoughtful of others, be grateful for this natural orientation of the mind that you possess, but do not expect to find it often in others. Do not think people feel and think the same as you and get surprised when you find out they are not. That would be a great recipe for disillusionment. You would be falling prey to Idealism.

My home group was very ? Girl guide aa. Meaning we did it by the book. Were very morally/ethically restrained. In the same way you might expect a paid professional to be. Restraint of tongue and pen. Etc. (Step 10 12x12) a basic ethics principle of 'do onto others as you would.."

10th step 12x12
“Our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or one willful snap judgment can ruin our relation with another person for a whole day, or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen.”

Most meetings do not work from a basic ethics principle of "Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97, AA Big Book) or "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)
so yeah, people can be very flaky and unreliable.
In the main, my home group members could be relied upon absolutely as they were expected to be in 'service mode' ! constantly. It just went with the territory. Service, service and !!! more service!!!!
"the absolute necessity of demonstrating these principles* in all my affairs" (p14, AA Big Book)
*The principle here refers to: "to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others" (p14, AA Big Book) and "constant thought of others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20, AA Big Book)

So. For finding people who are capable of being good friends in AA, it is always a good idea to find the MOST SERVICE ORIENTATED members and meetings in your area that you can find, as they tend by and large to be more reliable and considerate than others. Stick with the winners as best you can. Principles before personalities*. Just go to where there is most recovery, and don't get sidetracked by other social trends such as similar background or other considerations.

*(Tradition 12: "ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities.")

So if you want friends that better meet your needs I suggest:
Ask your HP to guide you to the people, places and things that support your spiritual growth the MOST.
And ask for the KNOWLEDGE and POWER to carry out that journey. No matter WHERE it takes you.
"praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out." Step 11. (p59, AA Big Book)
Then do the footwork. You paddle. God steers.

Cool huh? Scary as well. But that's what growing up is about. We never know where we will end up..
TRUE open mindedness is not for the faint hearted!

Hey gotta go. Have a great Tuesday!!

How it DOESN'T work: 26 Methods that FAIL UTTERLY: Religion, Therapy, Will power, Self knowledge etc

Ancient carving of Mara: He is a tempter, distracting humans from practicing the spiritual life by making the mundane alluring or the negative seem positive., originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Heheh. The poor bloke in the picture! Reminds me of some of my former Sponsees on a bad day! Or before they do the 6 things! should I say! Right, anyway..Back to the subject in hand..
These are things which I see as part of Step 1. Step 1 is EXHAUSTING. This is part of the education as to what recovery asks of us. What Is required to succeed. And why previous attempts have failed.
I think ALL my Sponsees were women who had failed at sobriety previously. Either because they could not stop drinking, or they were suicidally depressed and felt life was not worth living sober. Ie they were at the jumping off place.
Basically, they are people who have 'been through the system' and it just hasn't worked. Often they are disillusioned with AA, and the programme, and they expect to fail. Again. Part of what I do, is identify what was missing from their previous approach. This is not entirely necessary, but I have come to actually quite enjoy ferreting out the offending action, or inaction. This does not mean they choose to use the information immediately. Some do. Others are 'bludgeoned into humility by pain and unremitting suffering'. But anyway, this will hopefully give you an idea of what I have learned is no substitute for the AA programme, and in many cases impedes the programme when employed prior to being restored to sanity as a result of the steps.So here goes. This is a LONG one, so you may need a STRONG cup of coffee to get to the end! Heheh.

"If you want to hide something from an alcoholic, put it in the Big Book"

In my ? 'introduction' I say "I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's BEST KEPT SECRET a lot of the time. (In my opinion). "
The reason I say this, is because 99 times out of 100, the alcoholics I bump into in meetings are OBLIVIOUS to the points I list below, despite having read the big book MANY times, yet evidentially have FAILED to study adequately.
Studying something bears NO resemblance to READING something.
This is why I INSIST on Sponsees buying fluorescent markers and a FULL size hard backed copy of the big book, so that thy will haven enough room to DIFFERENTIATE these passages, and many others. Otherwise they stand NO CHANCE WHATSOVER of finding them again. Quickly and efficiently anyhow. And I don't know about you, but I have a LIFE to be getting on with. I do not have time to waste looking for passages again and AGAIN, instead of simply highlighting it once, or making a note in the margin. Life is TOO SHORT!
Anyway. Like I say, here are some EXTREMELY EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS from the Big Book that MANY alcoholics I meet HAVE NO IDEA EXIST. Which is a shame. But like every other thing in AA, is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
90% of these points I learned from the "Favorite old timer" in my old home group. One of the things he used to say (That his sponsor told him) was:
"REALLY get to know the Big Book. Because you may be the ONLY walking Big Book you ever meet'
I used to think that was a bit melodramatic, and grandiose. I wish that were the case. Instead, I find many (!!) alcoholics are unaware of these, and many other EXPLICIT and UNCOMPROMISING STATEMENTS in the basic text. I would like it to be different. Because I would like the degree of suffering to be the minimum. But I am not 'running the show'. So instead I do my lousy best to pass on what I consider myself VERY lucky to have learned. If anyone picks it up and uses it, great, if not, well I never had any power over those people anyway, so it makes no difference.

Disclaimer:
Oh yeah, and if some of the things on the list 'shock' and 'horrify' you, don't take it up with me, take it up with the first 100 members!!
I happen to have found that the things that the first members documented have been true IN MY EXPERIENCE and the experience of others that I have observed using both the the same method as myself and different versions than the one I use. 20 years of 'unofficial' clinical observation, if you like.
I do NOT insist that you agree with me OR them. Because what you make of these IS NONE OF MY BUSINESS.
So make of them what you will. I list them here for your information. Nothing more.
Like most things in life, applying ANY principle without common sense or with the wisdom of an experienced assistant (ie sponsor) can end up with disastrous results. So don't blame me, If you apply ANY of these in an incredibly kack-handed way, and suffer as a result. That's what sponsors are for!
What I am NOT saying, is that these things have no value at all. Because that's not what the first 100 members said either. These methods fail as ALTERNATIVES TO THE PROGRAMME OF RECOVERY, not !! as a WAY OF PRACTICNG ASPECTS THE SUGGESTED PROGRAMME IN ITS ENTIRETY. But I'm too tired to explain that now. Enough! Another day!
Anyway, I'm waffling now. Here's the list.

How it DOESN'T work.
1. Religion.
2. Human power.
3. Therapy.
4. Self knowledge.
5. Humiliation (The memory of.)
6. Half measures. (As opposed to "Any lengths'.)
7. Holding on to your OLD IDEAS. (This is EASILY the TOUGHEST requirement.)
8. A Mental Defence.
9. Thinking. (As opposed to ACTION. i.e.: Trying to THINK yourself well)
10. Will power. (i.e.: White knuckle. Self will. 'Trying hard', Exerting oneself.)
11. Keeping on guard.
12. Avoiding temptation .
13. Moral and philosophical convictions.
14. Just not drinking.
15. Just going to meetings.
16. Kidding (deluding) yourself that you are enjoying sobriety when deep down you are NOT.
17. Having a "Befogged" brain.
18. Your conduct continues to harm others. (And you are not sorry.)
19. Self reliance.
20. Self Confidence.
21. Constant thought of SELF.
22. Indulging the 'dubious luxury" of anger, resentment, retaliation, or argument.
23. Trying to keep ego puncturing admissions to yourself (You are as sick as your secrets.)
24. An 'easier softer' way.
25. Being Vague.
26. Not COMPLETELY 'giving yourself' to THIS simple program.

(All Page references below refer to the Basic Text of Alcoholics Anonymous.)
1. Religion.
"Your prospect may belong to a religious denomination. His religious education and training may be FAR superior to yours. In that case he is going to wonder how you can add anything to what he already knows. But he well be curious to learn why his own convictions have not worked and why yours seem to work so well. He may be an example of the truth that faith alone is insufficient." (p93)
"He interrupted: "I used to be strong for the church but that won’t fix it. I’ve prayed to God on hangover mornings and sworn that I’d never touch another drop but by nine o’clock I’d be boiled as an owl." (p157)
"Then he (the Lawyer) added, "He (God) sure didn’t do much for me when I was trying to fight this booze racket alone." (p158)
("Alone" here refers to without OTHER ALCOHOLICS as opposed to other similarly inclined religious people.)
"To be vital, faith MUST be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive ACTION." (p93)
"Though not a religious person, I have profound respect for the SPIRITUAL approach in such cases as yours. For most cases, there is virtually no other solution." (p43)

2. Human power.
(that includes therapists, Priests, etc as the last time I heard, they are STILL using human ones.)
"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (p63)
"Neither he nor ANY other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power." (p43)
"Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)
"Something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change." (pXXVII)
"There is NO doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from DIVINE help." (p43)

3. Therapy.
(ie Human power)
"Neither he nor ANY other human being can provide such a defense. His defense MUST come from a Higher Power." (p43)
"No human power could have relieved our alcoholism." (p63)
(Doesn't say, "except for therapists, or religious people")
"Something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change." (pXXVII)
"He had consulted the BEST known American psychiatrists. Then he had gone to Europe, placing himself in the care of a celebrated physician (the psychiatrist, Dr. Jung) who prescribed for him. Though experience had made him skeptical, he finished his treatment with unusual confidence. His physical and mental condition were unusually good. Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall." (p26)
"There is NO doubt in my mind that you were 100% hopeless, apart from DIVINE help." (p43)

4. Self knowledge.
"The actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, will be absolutely unable to stop drinking on the basis of self-knowledge. This is a point we wish to emphasize and re-emphasize, to smash home upon our alcoholic readers as it has been revealed to us out of bitter experience." (p39)
"Above all, he believed he had acquired such a profound knowledge of the inner workings of his mind and its hidden springs that relapse was unthinkable. Nevertheless, he was drunk in a short time. More baffling still, he could give himself no satisfactory explanation for his fall." (p26)
"Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)
"I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots." (p42)

5. Humiliation.
(the memory of)
"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24)
"The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove." (p24)
"This time I had not thought of the consequences at all." (p41)
"Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)
"Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? (p107)

6. Half measures.
(As opposed to "Any lengths')
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)
"We believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution." (p25)
"The result was NIL until we let go ABSOLUTELY." (p58)
"IF you have decided you WANT what we have and are willing to go to ANY LENGTHS to get it- THEN you are ready to take certain steps. (p58)
"Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to ANY LENGTHS to find a spiritual experience" (p79)
"Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to ANY LENGTHS for victory over alcohol." (p76)

7. Holding on to your OLD IDEAS.
(This is EASILY the TOUGHEST requirement.)
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and THE RESULT WAS NIL until we let go ABSOLUTELY." (p58)

8. A Mental Defence.
(ie: thinking in the form of reliance on ones thinking to 'save' you from temptation)
"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24)
"neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power." (p43)
"The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people. There is a complete failure of the kind of defense that keeps one from putting his hand on a hot stove." (p24)
"They prophesied that if I had an alcoholic mind, the time and place would come-I would drink again. They had said that though I did raise a defense, it would one day give way before some trivial reason for having a drink. Well, just that did happen and more, for what I had learned of alcoholism did not occur to me at all. I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. (p41)
"I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots."
(p42)
"This time I had not thought of the consequences at all." (p41)
"Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)

9. Thinking.
(As opposed to ACTION. ie: Trying to THINK yourself well.)
"Outline the PROGRAM OF ACTION, explaining how you made a self-appraisal, how you straightened out your past and why you are now endeavoring to be helpful to him (p94)
"the spiritual answer and PROGRAM OF ACTION which a hundred of them had followed successfully." (p42)
"They had told of a simple religious idea and a practical PROGRAM OF ACTION." (p69)
"To be vital, faith must be accompanied by self sacrifice and unselfish, constructive ACTION." (p93)
"This is not all. There is ACTION and MORE ACTION “Faith without works is dead.” (p88)
"We pause, when agitated or doubtful, and ask for the right thought or ACTION." (p87)
"We have then completed Step Seven. Now we need MORE ACTION, without which we find that “Faith without works is dead.” (p76)
Chapter 6 Into ACTION (p72)
"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous ACTION" (p63)
"The two friends spoke of their spiritual experience and told him about THE COURSE OF ACTION they carried out." (p157)
"You may suggest A DEFINITE COURSE OF ACTION" (p142)

10. Will power.
(ie: White knuckle. Self will. 'Trying hard', Exerting oneself.)
"Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent." (p24)
"Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)
"In alcoholics the will is amazingly weakened when it comes to combating liquor, though if often remains strong in other respects." (p7)
"The queer mental condition surrounding that first drink prevents normal functioning of the will power." (p92)
"I knew from that moment that I had an alcoholic mind. I saw that will power and self-knowledge would not help in those strange mental blank spots." (p42)
"What has become of the common sense and will power that he still sometimes displays with respect to other matters?" (p102)
"The man agreed that no amount of will power he might muster could stop his drinking for long. A spiritual experience, he conceded, was absolutely necessary" (p155)
"Such codes and philosophies did not save us, NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE TRIED" (p45)
"Can you discard the feeling that you are dealing only with habit, with stubbornness, or a weak will? If this presents difficulty, re-reading chapters two and three, where alcoholic sickness is discussed at length might be worth while. (p140)
"How could they be so blind about themselves? What had become of their judgment, their common sense, their will power? Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out that they agreed, and then got drunk again immediately?(p107)
"We had gone on drinking many years beyond the point where we could quit on our will power." (p34)
"His human will had failed" (p11)
"Oh no,” said my friend, “this chap is either through with liquor, or he is minus a job. If he has your will power and guts, he will make the grade.”
I wanted to throw up my hands in discouragement, for I saw that I had failed to help my banker friend understand. He simply could not believe that his brother-executive suffered from a serious illness." (p139)
"I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my WILL POWER and keeping on guard." (p40)

11. Keeping on guard.
"We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink." (p24)
"I felt I had every right to be self-confident, that it would be only a matter of exercising my will power and keeping on guard." (p40)
"Not only had I been off guard, I had made no fight whatever against the first drink. This time I had not thought of the consequences at all." (p41)

12. Avoiding temptation.
(without doing the programme of recovery.)
"Any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure." (p101)
"Nor are you trying to run his life so he will be shielded from temptation to drink. If he is conscientiously following the program of recovery he can go anywhere your business may call him." (p147)
"Assuming we are spiritually fit, we can do all sorts of things alcoholics are not supposed to do." (p100)
"We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything!" (p101)
"Our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there." (p101)

13. Moral and philosophical convictions.
"We found that such codes and philosophies DID NOT SAVE US, no matter how much we tried. We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)
"Many of us had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but we could not live up to them even though we would have liked to." (p62)

14. Just not drinking.
"We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough." (p82)
"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition." (p122)
"Those who DO NOT RECOVER are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program" (p58)
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)

15. Just going to meetings.
(As opposed to COMPLETELY giving oneself to THIS simple programme)
"Those who DO NOT RECOVER are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to THIS simple program" (p58)
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)

16. Kidding (deluding) yourself that you are enjoying sobriety when deep down you are NOT.
"We smile at such a sally. We know our friend is like a boy whistling in the dark to keep up his spirits. He fools himself. Inwardly he would give ANYTHING to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he isn’t happy about his sobriety. He cannot picture life without alcohol." (p152)

17. Having a "Befogged" brain.
"It is IMPERATIVE that a man’s brain be cleared BEFORE he is approached"
( pxxiv)

18. Your conduct continues to harm others. (And you are not sorry).
"If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, WE ARE QUITE SURE TO DRINK We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience" (p70)

19. Self Reliance.
"Wasn't it because self-reliance failed us? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, BUT IT DIDN'T GO FAR ENOUGH. (p68)

20. Self Confidence.
"Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or ANY other." (p68)

21. Constant thought of SELF.
"Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of OTHERS and how we may help meet THEIR needs." (p20)
"Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery." (p97)
"A kindly act once in a while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be." (p97)
"Chapter 7 Working with others. Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail." (p89)
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of maximum helpfulness to others" (p107)
"Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life" (p86)
"The rule is we must be hard on ourself, but always considerate of others." (p74)
"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now." (p124)
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead" (p14)

22. Indulging the 'dubious luxury" of anger, resentment, retaliation, or argument.
"If we were to live, we HAD to be free of anger". (p66)
"The grouch and the brainstorm were not for us. They may be the dubious luxury of normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison". (p66)
"Resentment is the "number one" offender. It DESTROYS more alcoholics than ANYTHING else". (p66)
"This business of resentment is infinitely grave. We found that it is FATAL. For when harboring such feeling we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die." (p66)
"The more we fought and tried to have our own way, the worse matters got" (p66)
"It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness". (p66)
"These resentments MUST be mastered". (p66)
"From it (meaning resentment) stem ALL forms of spiritual disease". (p64)
"To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got. The usual outcome was that people continued to wrong us and we stayed sore". (p66)
"The world and its people really dominated us". (p66)
"God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. We avoid retaliation or argument." (p67)
"If your husband is trying to live on a spiritual basis, he will also be doing everything in his power to avoid disagreement or contention." (p118)

23. Trying to keep ego puncturing admissions to yourself
(You are as sick as your secrets.)
"Time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost Invariably they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inventory all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they had lost their egoism and fear; they only thought they had humbled themselves. But they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty, in the sense we find it necessary, until they told someone else all their life story." (p74)
"More than most people, the alcoholic leads a double life. He is very much the actor. To the outer world he presents his stage character. This is the one he likes his fellows to see. He wants to enjoy a certain reputation, but knows in his heart he doesn’t deserve it."(p73)

24. An 'easier softer' way.
"Trying to avoid this humbling experience, they have turned to easier methods. Almost Invariably they got drunk." (p72)
"At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not." (p58)

25. Being Vague.
"It would be EASY to be vague about this matter. Yet, we believe we can make some DEFINITE and valuable suggestions." (p86)
"If you are an alcoholic who wants to get over it, you may already be asking-"What do I have to do?"
It is the purpose of this book to answer such questions SPECIFICALLY. We shall tell you what we have done." (p20)
".wants to recover and that he will go to ANY extreme to do so, you may suggest a DEFINITE course of ACTION" (p15)

26. Not COMPLETELY 'giving yourself' to THIS (!) simple program.
(NOT!! 'Mary's program', 'Frank's Program', or the 'Hazeltwig program'. THIS !!! program.)
"Those who DO NOT RECOVER are people who cannot or will not COMPLETELY give themselves to THIS (!!!) simple program" (p58)
"Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and THE RESULT WAS NIL until we let go ABSOLUTELY." (p58)
"Half measures availed us NOTHING" (p59)
"We believe there is NO middle-of-the-road solution." (p25)
"We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not." (p58)

Phew! Have a GREAT Sunday y'all. Time for my run!

How I try to get over 'disillusioning behavior' from people in AA, and wherever really..

IMAGE_180, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

For me, the ? 'answer is in non duality and shadow work. Which are pretty much the same thing anyway. If you really do see that there is only ONE person, as Thich Nhat Hanh so eloquently describes in the poem Call Me By My True Names, you have to reach a point where you see:

"I am a frog swimming happily in the clear water of a pond. And I am the grass-snake that silently feeds itself on the frog.

I am the child in Uganda, all skin and bones, my legs as thin as bamboo sticks. And I am the arms merchant, selling deadly weapons to Uganda.

I am the twelve-year-old girl, refugee on a small boat, who throws herself into the ocean after being raped by a sea pirate. And I am the pirate, my heart not yet capable of seeing and loving."

Non duality is a TERRIFYING reality to admit to oneself. But it IS the true nature of things. So you, and that offender are one and the same. Intrinsically connected, just like Thich Nhat Hanh describes. What I find REALLY cool, is that AA was 'onto this' in 1935, when it told us to 'look for the similarities not the differences'. It goes much deeper than that, but essentially we have FAR more in common than we want to admit.

Yeah. Regarding the sexual abuse case in the papers, I know NOTHING about this guy. Saw him in meetings AGES ago and that's it really. For all we know he's been out on the piss. My ?(guess) theory is that he was not drinking, and for all we know he may have been going to meetings. There are plenty of sick puppies in meetings!! So that's not such a stretch. Plus this thing happened ? 10 years ago. So he would have been ? 5-7 ? Years sober at the time.
Gawd knows. Its not really important anyway.

Yeah I remember when I first got disillusioned with AA. 93? 94? Can't remember.. Thank GOD for the Buddhist monk that explained that disillusionment happens on EVERY spiritual path. Not just the AA one! Its a very respectable 'rite of passage'. You have to somehow keep your heart open and compassionate despite the few bad apples, and disheartening examples. But you also have to have some kind of compassion for the sick people, like Thich Nhat Hanh does in the poem Call Me By My True Names, or else you will go mad!

What was weird, was that the thing that started me off on this 'dis'ing old timers was one online AA that I found horrifyingly ? Dogmatic and 'authoritative', for want of a better word. Without naming names I wanted people to see how !! dodgy the whole ''preaching' thing is. So there you go. I let AA's piss me off from time to time too. I'm sure they think they are doing the right thing, but I think it sounds a bit mad. I can't help but worry what people newer than me make of it. If they immediately assume this person 'knows' what they are talking about. I like to think I can spot a 'duff' one at 100 paces, but I don't think newer people can.. Whatever. Its none of my business either. But being someone with 20 odd years has really shown me how MEEK and SUBSERVIENT and TRUSTING some newer AA's are with long time sober people. To be honest I find it quite HORRIFYING how trusting some people are. I don't think I was ever like that. Oh well.

But yes. (in MY opinion) I think its VERY, I repeat VERY healthy, to see AA in the LONG term. (5 years and over) as 'spiritual kindergarten'. Step 11 should eclipse AA in spiritual power. Leaving AA as some kind of base camp. Step 11 is where you 'climb'. AA is much more 'grass roots' spirituality. A place to learn, humility, patience, tolerance, and generosity. Helping others. But the 'illuminations' belong to a GOOD (non AA) step 11. (Meaning you look OUTSIDE AA for examples of enlightened activity) I never learned Step 11 from Step 11 meetings, or from other AA members talking about THEIR experience of step 11. I went straight to the horses mouth so to speak. I found some of the most highly respected, world famous enlightenment teachers on my doorstep. There arent that many so they are pretty easy to track down. Plus some choose tp teach all over the world. 'Why speak to the monkey when you can speak to the organ grinder' sort of thing. So I learned about Step 11 in Monasteries, with senior monks and nuns from various religions. Mainly Buddhist. Obviously, thats a very personal preferenece, meaning its a free country and you can practice step 11 any way you wish. But I have to admit that sponsees who do the same, feel EXACTLY the way I do about AA after they meet some (what I call) 'Senior teachers' outside AA. but that's another story really..
I do my 'grass roots' with meetings and newcomers, but I get my direction and strength from step 11. That is what informs my actions, and tells me where to go next.

For me meetings are like being an auxiliary nurse. Real basic stuff, but hard work nonetheless. Its like a basic workout. A sort of once over. Like brushing my teeth every day. And the step 11 stuff. Well that's like SUPER-advanced yoga classes, or attending a lecture by the finest professor on the subject, that makes the most complex esoteric truth seem like common sense. In aa, I feel as though I am mopping up blood and vomit. Dirty work, but good for me, and thankfully does bring me closer to my higher power if I do it in the right spirit. Reminds me of when Gandhi insisted on the regular practice of cleaning the latrines as a way of maintaining humility. AA (for me) is the 'dirty work', but it gives me a great deal of pleasure when I do it right. And step 11 refines and pushes me in ways that AA meetings never could.
Whatever. That's just what I think.

Quality not Quantity: TY show called Faking it: FURTHER proof that length of Sobriety ALONE counts for VERY little

"Quality not Quantity" is the slogan that tells us that the length of time sober ALONE tells us VERY LITTLE about a person. Nor is it an indication of skill or expertise in regards to the degree of wellbeing achieved. Not everyone uses the time in AA wisely! Some use the time to better effect than others.

Newcomers always seem to think I am pulling their leg when I say that. But I mean it with utmost sincerity. I never, repeat NEVER, assume that someone is in more impressive 'fit spiritual condition', simply because they have been sober longer than another person. There's just MORE to it than that I'm afraid.

Anyway, it just crossed my mind when I happened upon this TV programme called Faking it by Channel 4., that it illustrates this wisdom PERFECTLY. So I am drawing your attention to it.

Here's some blurb from the website for the show:
"Faking It is a transformational battle against the odds. Our faker is plucked from their natural habitat and given four weeks to master a skill well enough to fool a group of EXPERT judges."

OFTEN, the Panel of EXPERTS, conclude that the FAKE does a BETTER in 28 DAYS than others who have been doing the SAME thing for YEARS. DECADES in fact.
So what does that tell you?

See? Quality NOT Quantity.

Here. is a link to the Channel Four website for the show
And here. is a link to an episode of the show on google videos, about a posh history of art guy who becomes a grafitti artist in 28 days!!!!
How cool is that??

Quality not Quantity: Old timer (? As far as I know.?.) shagging a 14 yr old girl. Allegedly.

Disillusionment: Sexual misconduct: ? AA ? Old timer (? 60 yrs old) having sexual relations with 14 year old, over a year or so . Allegedly.

When I talk about 'disappointing' or 'disillusionment'. it sounds rather mild mannered, doesn't it? Well the REALITY of 'disappointing' and 'disillusionment' is actually rather RAW and depressing!! To say the least!!!! Here's an example for you so you can get my drift.
Here's an example of something disillusioning and disappointing..

Its a story in the paper I read the other day.
I read about a guy I knew from AA AGES ago (18 years ago or something) who as far as I know stayed sober but I don't really know, as don't bump into him very often and even when I did see him regularly, I never made an effort to get to know him or talk to him.

Basically there are VERY FEW guys in AA that I speak to or get to know. Partly because there are SO MANY I wouldn't have the time even if I DID want to, and also because a lot of them are lonely and MISINTERPRET friendliness as sexual interest. Basically its just MUCH easier if I stick with the women..

Well anyway, he ALLLEGEDLY had sex with a 14 year old. Blah blah blah. Yeah also cleared of looking at kiddie porn for 'research purposes'. Yeah right.
Whatever. I don't think his name or the details are important. The only reason I mention this is because I saw it in the paper, and just beforehand was ? Moved to post about 'beware of aa old-timers full of s**t' yesterday. So you could say there was a bit of a theme going on there!!

So do you see !! WHY you should never just assume that just because someone has been sober for a long time that they must somehow be ? Less fallible, or less likely to be full of CRAP than anyone else????

See????? QUALITY NOT QUANTITY!!!!!!!
I think this case history makes that !! abundantly clear.

Anyway, before you all start frothing at the mouth and despairing as to the general plight of the human condition nowadays, FIRSTLY
I've seen a TON of sexual misconduct by old timers since I've been in AA, so this is NOTHING NEW to me. Its called 13th stepping and it happens ALL THE TIME. AA has its fair share of (what I call) 'sexual predators' who look out for very new bewildered, and very impressionable new girls to get off with, after spouting a few aa clichés and what have you.
Its EASY. Like shooting fish in a barrel. So it is an ongoing problem. Rather than whinge about it, I try to be part of the solution and 'brief' new women of this inherent risk AS SOON AS THEY COME TO MEETINGS. Whatever. That all I can do really. I can't 'change' the men's behavior, so I try to protect the women instead.

By the way I DO NOT HATE GUYS. Just in case you are thinking that. I have been very lucky in getting to know some really nice people in aa, but I have to admit, that by and large I am MUCH more 'at home' with people who are NOT alcoholics. Generally. That's a very personal thing, but its just how I feel. I feel more comfortable with non alcoholics. I RELATE more to alcoholics, but I would rather be with NON alcoholics.
Right I'm off.. Again. !

Supposed 'Authorities' in AA: Don't be INTIMIDATED by them. Make your OWN mind up.

And yes. That includes me. (Just in case you have the MISFORTUNE to either put me on a ? 'pedestal', or conclude that I am any less FALLIBLE than any other human being)

Why?
Tradition 2:
2. For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; THEY DO NOT GOVERN.

Tradition 12:
"ever reminding us to place principles BEFORE personalities."

Yes on the one hand, if people are VERY new, or I have GRAVE, IMMEDIATE concerns about them, I MAY choose to suggest something VERY clearly. But OUTSIDE of that, (after step 9 really) I would MUCH PREFER people to think for themselves.

That's one (of the many) reasons why I prefer not to sponsor formally after step 9. I want people to START THINKING FOR THEMSELVES.
Ok , if they REALLY want to ask me about something in particular, fair enough. But what I DON"T want them to do, is to end up thinking that they are SOMEHOW INCAPABLE OF FIGURING THINGS OUT FOR THEMSELVES.

Apart from the fact that I would have NO FREE TIME WHATSOVER if I chose NOT to do that. I strongly believe that it is in THEIR best interests to learn to start to trust their OWN judgment.
I just don't think its right if you end up thinking that you are ALWAYS wrong, or that you cant make a decision about something without asking a dozen people.
Basically its all about balance.
Yeah, some cant make a decision for love nor money and end up asking a TON of people. And then others think they know everything!!! And are a bit peculiar in my opinion!
Yeah, and the ones that are angry, depressed, or fearful, well they cant see the wood for the trees so they have a lop sided view which isn't very good when trying to make decisions. Oh well.

I mean the 'normal' ones. (after step 9 really) They need to be FAR more confident of their perceptions and their ability to figure things out. Yes, of course they will make STUPID mistakes, but that's going to happen anyway. Life involves taking risks. You cant avoid that. And with risk comes the possibility of embarrassing failure.
Personally I LOVE asking cool people questions about how to go about my life. (Any excuse to talk to them really) But there are not many people that fall into that category I'm afraid to say.

What I was TRYING to say before I got HOPELESSLY sidetracked, is
DO NOT BE INTIMIDATED BY PEOPLE IN AA (or any other 12 step programme) WHO PROFESS TO BE AN 'AUTHORITY' ON ??? ANY ASPECT OF RECOVERY.
I may be infuriatingly clear in the manner in which I choose to express myself, but I do NOT, I repeat.. NOT
THINK I HAVE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT.
And in fact I go to a LOT of trouble to try VERY HARD to communicate that to people. In fact it ANNOYS me when anybody makes that assumption about me, or any other member of AA. I find admiring comments quite ikky too..
So there you go.
So, Don't EVER let ANYBODY talk DOWN to you. EVER. (Talking down to you is SUPERIORITY, not humility.)
Or I will send the boys round!! Heheh..
See? I can be intimidating TOO when I try!!. Were you scared???
Oh well. Never mind. Maybe next time...

PS: Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against expertise. I think when I say 'authority' here I mean something that appears to be 'superior, or 'better than', in a way that INHIBITS one from including ones own version of events. Sort of like when you dismiss your own concerns because you think 'they know better'. That's what I mean. What Im trying to describe here is arrogance and superiority, not expertise.
For instance I really like Bill gates, and he is very much an expert, but I do not perceive him as presenting himself as 'the final word' on matters regarding computers. He does not strike me as 'superior'. Or an 'unquestioned authority'.
Anyway I hope that makes it a little clearer..

Tradition 2 and Step 12: The good is the enemy of the best ..In ALL your AA affairs

This is a 'principle' of AA mentioned in Tradition 2. Which is:
For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority — a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern.

I have shown here how I "boiled it down to the principles in the passage. Its just how I do it. It makes sense to me, if nobody else! Its just the way I have come to study the contents of the AA message. I kind of pick bits out and apply them later or something. Anyway here's the jist of it. In case you find it useful..

First: Here is the section from Tradition 2 that mentions it:
You tell us that Charlie's proposal is ethical. Sure, it's ethical, but what we've got won't run on ethics only; it has to be better. Sure, Charlie's idea is good, but it isn't good enough. This is a matter of life and death, Bill, and nothing but the very best will do!' Challengingly, by friends looked at me as their spokesman continued. `Bill, haven't you often said right here in this meeting that sometimes the good is the enemy of the best? Well, this is a plain case of it.

Second: My emphasis on this version:
You tell us that Charlie's proposal is ethical. SURE IT'S ETHICAL, BUT WHAT WE'VE GOT WON'T RUN ON ETHICS ONLY; it has to be better. Sure, Charlie's idea is good, but IT ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH. THIS IS A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH Bill, and NOTHING BUT THE VERY BEST WILL DO!' Challengingly, by friends looked at me as their spokesman continued. `Bill, haven't you often said right here in this meeting that sometimes THE GOOD IS THE ENEMY OF THE BEST? Well, this is a plain case of it.

Third: And boiled down even further:
Sure, it's ethical, but what we've got won't run on ethics only; it has to be better.
Sure, 'X''s idea is good, but it isn't good enough.
This is a matter of life and death, and nothing but the very best will do!'
Sometimes the good is the enemy of the best? Well, this is a plain case of it.

Combine this with Step 12 " practice these principles in all our affairs." Doesn't say say, 'except when practicing the principles of recovery outlined in Tradition 2'.
So this applies to choosing a sponsor, choosing a home group, choosing how to work the steps, anything really.

So in other words, when it comes to MAKING CHOICES as to how to go about your programme, deciding which fork in the road to take..:
'Ethical' is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. It HAS to be better than that. Nothing but the VERY best will do. Why? Because this is a matter of LIFE and DEATH. Just because an idea is 'good', does Not mean it is good ENOUGH. Why? Because the good is the enemy of the best.

You could say "Don't be silly, then you'd end up being a PERFECTIONIST."
Nope.
If you are REALLY slavish about doing the AA programme, you would have obediently ! followed the "progress not perfection' suggestion. It is only the LESS diligent AA students that think they can get away with ignoring that instruction. So no, being VERY exacting, does NOT neccesarily lead you to perfectionism. In my opinion anyway. I think the basic instructions are VERY exacting in their outright dismissal of any perfectionistic tendencies. So perfectionism is in BREACH of AA suggestion. "Doing your lousy best", is MUCH more in keeping with AA Doctrine. It allows for effort, but stops short of perfectionism.

Tough? Well yeah! 'Simple but not easy" as they say! Why do you think they keep saying things like..
"Half measures availed us NOTHING"
"Any lengths"
"The result was NIL until we let go ABSOLUTELY"

..and stuff like that?
See, theres the clue! So the 'Lousy best' approach comes in VERY handy if you ask me!
You may already know I am a BIG fan of the phrase 'You snooze you lose' and to me 'the good is the enemy of the best' is pretty much saying the same thing. I find this SO many times in life. Near enough, is just NOT good enough. If I want to get something RIGHT, there are VERY few shortcuts. I've said this before, but for me, life is THE toughest disciplinarian I know of. It just doesn't seem to offer many 'easier softer ways' for ANYTHING. Including AA. But there you go, thats just how I find it. Any lengths seems to be ONLY way for THIS alcoholic to get anywhere. I have to go to any lengths to 'pause when agitated' for gawds sakes.. never mind the rest! Its a permanent habit of going AGAINST the grain. Doing the opposite of old habits. Ah well!
Whatever. Thats just how I understand it. Hope that makes sense! I'm off to the gym! Have a great tuesday!

'Creates an Uncomfortable Contrast'

I find that after a while, me being consistently 'comfortable' can be REALLY disquieting for others to be around, if what they are used to is drama, struggle, emotional overwhelm, ups and downs, and what have you. In terms of the impact it appears to be having on me I mean. I think people tend to assume I have no problems. Either that or they just can't make me out. All I know Is they rarely imagine that I am dealing with difficult things. They assume because I look 'ok' that things in my life must be 'ok'. Not so! Life lessons happen to EVERYBODY. Including me! Bereavement, betrayal, disillusionment, you name it! There is no way you can avoid these things. Its part of learning how to be a human. They happen to !! everybody. Not just the people who have a habit of referring to these events in conversation.

Initially, people are nearly always pleased to see me. But over time it becomes apparent that I'm just not being hijacked by moods, negativity or emotional overwhelm in the way that they unwittingly take for granted, and that can really 'upset the apple cart' in a strange sort of way. It just doesn't 'compute' that I might be having the SAME, if not worse, problems that THEY have, but I am just dealing with it a different way. Especially in AA, as people can tend to make assumptions about how 'honest' I'm being, or whether or not I am in denial. I can just tell that it is difficult for some of them to really understand. Obviously not everybody. Just those that take fairly obvious negativity or negative behaviour for granted as 'part of the furniture.'

Having spent 1-2 years trying to do the steps in another programme and getting progressively more MAD before I got well in AA, I COMPLETELY understand that viewpoint. My Sponsees often say they see the same look of non recognition in some fellow AA's, when they report how they feel or how they are dealing with things. I've had many strange comments over the years, including one woman who thought 'I must not be an alcoholic'. Whatever. I understand how it must look strange to someone who has become accustomed to a different way of dealing with things. I understand that attitude, but I prefer to be around people who think emotional stability is a NORMAL thing, instead of some weird ?! freaky thing. Each to their own, but I prefer to be with people I feel I have more in common with. The term I have heard used to describe this tendency is 'creates an uncomfortable contrast', and so that's how I describe it now.

Stability and reliability soothe the Hungry Ghost

All I know is that my 'hungry ghost', IS fulfilled by the presence of continuity. A stable loving presence. So for me a relationship is a 'rock' to soothe and 'settle' the hungry ghost. Teachers, Lamas, monks and other very loving people are very helpful to my emotional stability.

But I would not call that dependence. For me it has been about learning to feel safe and trust, despite having a very involuntary, and instinctive survival-based reaction to life. So for me relationships are teachers, and sources of healing because they teach me to trust.

His would not apply if they were mad people. My reactive 'core' is calming down the longer I am around stable influences, regardless of how inept I am in other respects.

A coffee pot and a resentment!: All you need to start your own meeting!

I and some Sponsees took on the service positions of a fairly local meeting as they arose a few years ago, because of similar concerns. Meaning I got a bit !! fed up listening to how grim, humorless, dull !! and downright tempting (in terms of drinking), sobriety was. Basically it was a bit ! grim. Well a bit too grim for MY preferences. (each to their own and all that.) It's nice to be able to go to a meeting that seems to more closely reflects my outlook. Apart from the fact that I don't actually !! identify with a lot of how people feel in recovery that I bump into in meetings, it just seemed like a nice idea, and it just so happened there was a bunch of positions that needed to be filled anyway. So I jus figured, why not? Give it a whirl and see what happens. Its turned out pretty well as it happens. There ARE more positive meetings where I live, but as you can probably telll I have VERY particular tastes. That's all. Plus I don't like having to travel halfway across town if I can help it. Too much effort!

I don't like too controlled or inflexible environments. Its just too simplistic for me. It doesn't embrace uncertainty. But I don't like the ones that seem to be flailing about in various stages of grimness either!! Somewhere in the middle suits me just fine! Not too rigid, not too wooly. Solution orientated, but VERY humane.

Anyway, that's what I did! after a LONG period of thinking 'why is everybody acting so weird and uptight?. Its VERY personal what appeals to different people. The other people at the meeting probably think its the cats whiskers! Each to their own, but if I have the option to seek out more like minded environments, I don't hang around for long if I can help it

So, instead of complaining about going to meetings (for whatever reason) you don't like very much, why not just set up your own. I'm sure you will find some people that want to get involved too, if you look for them.

The pub with no beer: The meeting after the meeting

The coffee after the meeting is the BEST bit. It really is 'the pub with no beer.' I have always needed to do the meeting after the meeting to get to know people. It VERY difficult to get to know them just from seeing them in meetings. I always prefer ones where they go out after. Its always a bit scary asking does anyone want to go, but its worth it.

I have always chosen a home group where everyone was invited to go for coffee afterwards. I don't like the cliquey ones where its hit and miss as to whether or not you are included. I prefer inclusive to exclusive, so to speak.

The Gift of Desperation, E.E., Sharing for the Newcomer, and Wise as Serpents

Yeh, sometimes they call it 'The Gift of Desperation'.
It IS a gift. Trust me! I was lucky. I had it.

I had tried EVERYTHING ELSE. And it DIDN'T WORK.
Ii always say. "I was a member of EE before I was a member of AA, 'Everything Else'. Yeah. NOTHING !!!! worked.

Not therapy.
Not self help books.
Not all the self knowledge I got from all those self help books.
Not success at work.
Not friends at work.
Not al anon. **(see bottom of post)
Not having a higher power in al anon
Not working the 'hazeltwig' steps in al anon. (Sorry all you 'hazeltwig' fans out there!) It just didn't work for ME, ok? :)
Not going to al anon meeting every day
not helping people in al anon.
Not kindnesses and concern from people in al anon
Not having fellowship in al anon
Not 'just not drinking'.
Not 'trying to be a better person'.
Not throwing myself into work to take my mind off it.
Not stopping eating sugar.
Not crying hoping the tears would eventually run out.
Not staying in bed thinking I needed some rest.
Not time off.

Diddly squat. Nothing.
I was back at square one.

I fell apart anyway.

I was losing my mind. PROPERLY losing my mind. In a really NOT FUNNY way. In a scary 'One flew over the cuckoos nest' way. And it was getting WORSE.

So I KNEW when I got to AA, that there was a bit more !! to the steps than meets the eye.
I did NOT plan on repeating my errors in al anon.
It was like 'close but no cigar'. (But that's another post)

I was missing ! something. I KNEW it. There was something I had just !!! missed. Not noticed. I needed to look a LITTLE BIT HARDER, and be a LITTLE BIT SHREWDER in my approach. I needed to REALLY study the way different people were trying to get well.
I figured if I got it wrong a SECOND time. That would be IT. There was very little 'battery power' left. In retrospect I think that was a pretty accurate assessment. I KNEW I had to GET IT RIGHT this time.

That's why Jesus said to the disciples,
"Be as gentle as doves, BUT AS WISE AS SERPENTS"
Well, without realizing it at the time, THAT"S what I was doing. I STILL do it. I pay CLOSE attention to things. Well I try to anyway.

I looked at who was just talking for the sake of looking good, and who was actually speaking to ME when they shared. The (metaphorically) BATTERED and BLEEDING, raw newcomer.

'Luck' played a part in me finding my home group, but It was actually really easy to 'see'. My heart 'felt' the language spoken instantly. It soothed my emotional lacerations. It was like balm. It made me feel safe.

One person just REALLY stood out in that respect. I followed my nose. Yeah I checked him out too. He checked out fine. I wanted what he had, so I found out how he did the steps, and then I persuaded a female sponsor in the 'chain' of his Sponsees to take me through the steps.
I've been following my 'nose' ever since. I can just tell when people give a damm or not. Hey a lot of people are just too busy. Or ambivalent. Whatever. But I have always been drawn to those people who have an indefinable ?? something that tells me they care whether I live or die. It helps if in addition to that, they KNOW THEIR SUBJECT.
I confess, I get !!! Pretty irritated when people have a contradictory or muddled view of ANY doctrine. I LOVE clarity. Immediate simple answers. No 'fluff'. Like the big book says:

"The message which can interest and hold these alcoholic people must have depth and weight." Doctors opinion. PXXVI
Meaning NOT 'fluff'. Yeah I have a pretty low tolerance for what I call 'fluff'. I admit it. Heeheh

When I did what those people suggested, my burden became just SLIGHTLY lighter. That's how I KNEW these people weren't full of s**t. I tested their doctrine. And it worked. For the first time in my WHOLE GOD DAMMED LIFE, something WORKED. So that was it. I was sold. I remember how SHOCKED I was that something could actually lessen my pain. It was an AMAZING revelation. Blew me away.

**(by the way I LOVE al anon, don't get me wrong. Its just I needed to be in AA, NOT al anon, and that's why it wasn't working. If I have time, I try to get to an al anon meeting now. They're cool.)

Yeh I know I might sound like a judgmental B***H sometimes, Because I have a very DEFINITE ! way of expressing myself sometimes!, but you'll just have to take my word for it, (if that's what you're thinking) that actually you couldn't be further from the truth. I have the LOWEST of tolerances for what is known as 'taking a position', (which is basically the OPPOSITE of being OPEN MINDED), but I will have to explain that in ANOTHER POST. That's a WHOLE other doctrine!
Jeez so much stuff!

Right I'm OFF! See y'all.

Quality NOT Quantity! Good intentions AND length of sobriety ALONE are NOT enough

Good intentions AND length of sobriety ALONE are NOT enough.
They are better than NOTHING but they do NOT remove (or diminish) th e short OR long term risk of untreated alcoholism getting the better of the suffering alcoholic (Sponsee) in question.

'We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough'. p82
'My friend was much more than inwardly reorganized. He was on different footing. His roots grasped a new soil.' p12
'Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition.' p122

This is why I always say Quality NOT quantity. I have met LOTS of long time AA's whose sobriety I DO NOT WANT. At ALL!

I've also seen VERY promising new people that I KNOW will have GREAT recovery in 10 years time provided they sustain the effort and thoroughness they are applying from the start.

I think it's REALLY difficult to tell unless you get to know a bit about them. Put it this way, I do NOT make 'favorable assumptions' about people based SOLELY on length of time sober. Just like I TRY (not often very successfully!!) not to make UNfavorable assumptions about people who are new around. I get it wrong ALL the time. All I know is that I DON"T know.

Another benefit of being sober a longer time is that its VERY hard to be idealistic or put ANYONE on a pedestal. I know too much about the terrible weakness we ALL have!!
I am DEEPLY Unimpressed by length of time ALONE. I look for completely different things.

Having said that, yes, THOSE WHO USE THEIR TIME IN AA TO GOOD EFFECT, ARE able to enjoy rewards of peace of mind that others, who by virtue of luck or choice, have Not made such 'skilful' use of heir time in AA. So time CAN be an advantage, BUT IT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY AN ADVANTAGE.
Just like LACK of time CAN be an DISadvantage, BUT IT IS NOT AUTOMATICALLY A disADVANTAGE.

I really do think length of time ALONE means VERY LITTLE. There's a LOT more to it than that. In my opinion.

If you look in more 'structured' (as opposed to 'arbitrary') style AA meetings, generally you will find more accountable AA members.

I have to say, I am mostly VERY disappointed with what I hear about the general quality of sponsorship out there, even though a LOT of it is well meaning. Good intentions aren't enough unfortunately!

What does largely SUPRESSED Anger look like in women? 'Tightness'

I just wanted to describe this thing that I see all the time. Its what I call one of my 'earmarks' for identifying primary weaknesses in people. I NEED to make an accurate assessment of the things that are at the forefront of each Sponsees illness. They are all different. They usually fall into one of three 'neurosis'. Either Anger is the main player, Sadness, or Fear. That's it! There is other stuff that can be a roadblock, (like arrogance, or laziness, or inertia etc etc. the list is endless! But I quite like being able to identify the predominant 'color' of the emotion. I call it 'the main player'.

Anyway, I just think this one is REALLY easy to spot. Almost in an instant, so I thought I'd share it with you. There are some exceptions but I'm not going to explain that here as I don't want this to take too long!

Basically this is the way I 'see' anger in women
Clenched
Tight
Strained
Closed
There is something a little bit FEROCIOUS about them, even when they are saying NOTHING. (I know someone like this and even though she never expresses her judgment OPENLY, you FEEL her wrath!!)
Hard
Hard faced. I think you can see a LOT of tension in the face, and this is why we have the phrase 'hard faced'.
Driven. (Describing more of a tension more than a HEALTHY desire to improve oneself.)

As far as MY interpretation goes, these OUTWARD signs, are indicative of an INNER quite FEIRCE thought pattern, containing a lot of JUDEMENTAL thoughts about people, places and things.
There is also a FRUSTRATED (usually suppressed) desire to CONTROL. No wonder these people are angry!!
It saves you a LOT of bother, if you are able to spot these things from the off, as NOBODY LIKES TO BROADCAST THEIR 'emotional cripple' status. No siree!! They keep these things to themselves!!, and then you only find out about them later on when you get to spend time with them in person.

This is a useful 'trick' for guys who are looking to get involved with women. AVOID THE ONES THAT LOOK LIKE THIS. Only AFTER you get to know them, and you have to some extent 'fallen' for them, will you find out that they are actually quite angry people, and there is a biting presence of resentment burning underneath their 'controlled' exterior.

Also don't assume that this quality has ANYTHING to do with the length of time people are sober. It doesn't.
I always say to Sponsees QUALITY NOT QUANTITY. Look for hallmarks of EXCELLENCE, NOT length of time around!! The two do not always correlate. At all!!

Also I see the ABSENCE of anger in women as what I call 'SOFT'
Relaxed. Physically relaxed.
Easy going
Open
Gentle
No 'tightness'

Tightness is just another word for uptight, but I thought I'd elaborate on this 'identifying characteristic so that you can see it as clearly as I do.

Don't think I resent these people. Often they can have other very redeeming qualities, but I confess, that apart from Sponsees, I choose not to spend time with these types of women in the main, unless I HAVE to.
There you go!! Sorry if any of you ladies reading this see yourselves in this description!! If it's any consolation I have seen obedient Sponsees with very embittered mindsets REALLY 'soften' over time with a bit of work. And I myself! Have this tendency, but I like to think that my awareness of it has reduced it to a 'puppy'. It rears its ugly head from time to time, but I do NOT allow it free expression!

Don't get me wrong. ALL women have anger in some form. The very BEST of us can, and DO have our 'moments' when the best we can do is go off and count to 10!

But I'm talking about something else here. The women who display THESE CHARACTERISTICS mentioned above are TROUBLE, insofar as their anger will cause you pain and problems should you choose to be their friend or business partner. There will be RANCOUR, HARSHNESS, BITTERNESS, BLAME, JUDGEMENT, SUPERIORITY, SARCASM, ATTACKING COMMENTS AND DIGS, LOOKING DOWN THEIR NOSE AT YOU, LASHING OUT, CRUEL WORDS, INABILITY TO TAKE PERSONAL RESPONSIBILTY.
You will become the 'BAD GUY'. The SCAPEGOAT for their PAINFUL REACTION TO LIFE.
These are all examples of 'acted out' anger. There may also be PHYSICAL ATTACK with these women. Could be fairly inadequate as women are in the main much weaker than men, but they may resort to some sort of attempted physical assault. If you are a guy or family member.
These people have NO IDEA that happiness IS AN INSIDE JOB.
So stay away!! Sponsor them, but not much more..

There is another LESS SUPRESSED version of female anger, the 'Jade Goody' model I shall call it!! This is the ZERO SUPRESSION, ZERO IMPULSE CONTROLLED model, and is much more common amongst LESS EDUCATED or socialized people.
I would normally associate this with a MALE model of anger, but it is beming increasingly more common amongst women. But that's another post!

Oh well. Never mind eh? Hope this helps somebody out there!

Sticking with the Winners

there are LOADS of nutcases in AA.
Horse thieves, adulterers, 13th steppers, deeply nasty business people, out and out liars, dangerously violent, wife beaters, you name it!!

I chose a home group that was very 'by the book', very 'obedient' to the programme. Some might have called it a bit repressed. But I think when you're dealing with a lot of SERIOUSLY crazy people. And a lot of them were, (including my mad new self!), that a little repression is actually quite a good thing!!
Men stuck with the men, women stuck with the women. People just talked about the programme. They were very ETHICAL. We had it drummed into us the importance of being HONEST IN ALL OUR AFFAIRS. Etc.
Basically what I am saying is STICK WITH THE WINNERS. Choose meetings based on PRINCIPLES NOT PERSONALITIES. Ie NOT because they are your 'mates', but because they HAVE THE MAXIMUM BENEFIT OF THE PROGRAMME OF RECOVERY that you have found in your locale. I had many hundreds of meetings to choose from, but only 2 meetings seemed to be really 'well'. That's 2 meetings out of 600! Its different now! Thank god. But good recovery isn't very common or widespread. In my opinion!!! (meaning I'm not speaking as though what I'm saying is a statement of fact)
Now I don't care what other AA's do because I feel good even if I never go to meetings. But when I was new and my wellbeing was dependent on attendance at AA meetings, I always went TO THE VERY BEST meetings I could find. 'best' was measured by the CORRELEATION between what they were doing and saying, and what was in the aa programme. Meaning how 'HAPPY JOYOUS and FREE' they were. How RECOVERED they were. How much they KNEW THEIR SUBJECT. How COMMITTED they were to the AA MESSAGE, as opposed to the MANY other 'messages' out there. 'Hazeltwig' and such like...
So you have two choices. Either stick with the horse thieves and bite your lip, or find a meeting WITH A MUCH MORE SUCCESFUL PRACTICE OF THE LIFE SKILL OF HONESTY. Who essentially are 'practicing the principles in all their affairs'. I find most AA's very disappointing to be honest. But if you look around, you'll find some cool people and they are worth the effort of finding.
People who do a lot of service are always a good place to start looking. Look in the local telephone office. The volunteers there might be nice.
This is what's called 'sticking with the winners'. Its VERY important in my opinion. There's NO WAY I would have the recovery I have, if I had not been RUTHLESS about practicing this throughout my recovery.
It's not easy to do! It can feel 'boring' going to 'well' meetings as they all seem so meek and mild compared to the drama queens and stories of sufferance you hear elsewhere. But there is always one total loony in even the most 'well' meeting, so you never really escape the life dramas!

Happy Big Book Quotes

We are SURE God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. p133

We aren't a glum lot. p132

We ABSOLUTELY INSIST on enjoying life. p132

There is, however, a VAST amount of FUN about it all. p16

The joy of living we REALLY have, even under pressure and difficulty. p15

We think cheerfulness and laughter make for usefulness. p132

If newcomers could see no joy or fun in our existence, they wouldn't want it. p132

When ALL other measure failed, work with another alcoholic WOULD save the day. p15

On talking to a man there, I would be AMAZINGLY lifted up and set on my feet. p15

We, (who have RECOVERED from serious drinking,) are MIRACLES of MENTAL HEALTH. p133

There are those, too, who suffer from GRAVE emotional and mental disorders, but MANY of them DO recover IF they have the capacity to be HONEST. p58

It is a design for living that WORKS in ROUGH going. p15

There is scarcely any form of trouble and misery which has not been overcome among us. p15

Our troubles, we think, are basically of our OWN making. p62

It is CLEAR that WE made our own misery. p133

Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery. p133

We CANNOT subscribe to the belief that this life is a vale of tears,
though it once was just that for many of us. p133

We try not to indulge in cynicism over the state of the nations,
nor do we carry the world's troubles on our shoulders. p132

Outsiders are sometimes shocked when we burst into merriment
over a seemingly tragic experience out of the past. But why shouldn't we laugh? We have recovered. p132

The most satisfactory years of your existence lie ahead. p152

When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God’s hands were better than ANYTHING we could have planned. p100

I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would not go back to it even if I could. p43

Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances! p100

There exists among us a fellowship, a friendliness, and an understanding which is INDESCRIBABLY WONDERFUL. p17

We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. p25

If you persist, REMARKABLE things will happen. p100

You WILL find release from care, boredom and worry. Your imagination WILL be fired. p151

Most of us feel we need look no further for Utopia. We have it with us right here and now. p16

Our joy in escape from disaster does not subside as we go our individual ways. p17

Joy at our release from a lifetime of frustration knew no bounds. p129

Everybody know that those in bad health, and those who seldom play, do not laugh much. p132

Inwardly he would give anything to take half a dozen drinks and get away with them. He will presently try the old game again, for he ISN'T HAPPY about his sobriety. p152

Recognizing (Self Centered) Fear in its unflattering forms! It's not pretty!

In order to benefit from the vast pool of wisdom that is available to you in AA, and therefore learn the MOST you can about recovery, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO IDENTIFY WHO HAS SUCCEEDED IN KEEPING MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF THIS KILLER ILLNESS (such as Self Centered Fear) IN REMISSION, AND TO WHAT EXTENT. A little? A lot? (Self Centered) Fear is a SYMPTOM of alcoholism, which is a nasty, degrading, humiliating, killer illness. It's is a MASSIVE chunk of this illness. So its WELL worth learning to recognize.

For me I see (Self Centered) Fear as characterized mainly by an NEUROTIC, INTENSE, ENERGISED state. It looks 'jumpy'. The more twitchy and energized a person looks, the more I assume (Self Centered) Fear is eating them up inside, and the more unchecked their belief is, that everyone is out to get them!

More dramatic manifestations:
Neurotic. Panic Attacks. Agoraphobia. Obsessive compulsive disorder. Superstitious. Nightmares. Disturbed sleep. Insomnia. Early morning insomnia.
'The horrors'. Meaning you 'see' horrific trains of events played out in your mind (like a video) during the day. For example getting on the train and graphically imagining a bomb going off under your seat.

Less dramatic, (but equally unpleasant) manifestations:
Worry. Circular thinking. 'Busy' head. Doom and gloom. Pessimism. Anticipating disaster. Living emotionally in the future. Fragmented scattered mind. Inability to concentrate. Mind wanders off constantly, AWAY from the present moment.

Wary of others. Wary of anything. Twitchy. Jumpy. Can't settle. Can't tolerate silences in conversation, so nervously fills in gaps. Fidgety. Biting nails. Nervously strumming fingers on desk. Nervous-ness. Biting lip. Looking around you and behind you. Afraid of the dark. Afraid of being mugged. Afraid of anything.

Intense. Uptight. Control freak. Addicted to strict regimes. Unable to tolerate any chaos, or leeway.

Shrill. Strained. Keyed up. Wired. Speedy. Brisk, dismissive, Restless. Animated. Talks too fast. Hamster in the wheel busyness. Running on nervous energy.

Starey eyes. Nervous smile. Permanent smile. Fixed grin. Fixed eye contact. Nervous laugh. Strained politeness. Phony. Fake. Ingratiating. Too 'nice'. Insincere. Insecure.
Spineless. Doormat. Martyr. Wimp. Pansies. Never disagrees with anyone.

Uncomfortable. NOT comfortable in their own skin. NOT wearing life like a loose garment. Not calm. Not easy going.

Persecution complex. CONVINCED everything that goes wrong is a deliberate attack on you. Defensiveness: You respond to others angrily on the assumption that their careless remark was DELIBERATE. Why? Because you think everyone is out to get you! When someone laughs, you are convinced they must have been laughing at you!

Absence of things. Such as: Not able to be in the present moment.

Ideally, Step 4 is where you get to identify where (Self Centered) Fear has poisoned your wellbeing, (in the form of resentment). And a list of phobic fears. But until then, you still stand to benefit from recognizing degrees of manifestation of (Self Centered) Fear both in yourselves and others. It will help you find the people who really have recovered from their (Self Centered) Fear. They are the people who can teach you how to remove your own. Not unfortunately, the people whose (Self Centered) Fear is still running the show.
(Self Centered) Fear is incredibly painful, so if you do learn how to reduce or diminish your own you will have a very valuable skill to offer 'the alcoholic who still suffers'.

We ALL have fearful tendencies. We will NEVER be perfectly free of it. But we CAN go to to ANY LENGTHS to not indulge our fearful behaviors or attitudes, or alternatively, to ACT AS IF we are full of FAITH. (but describing faith is a whole other story!) So there is always something we can do to improve our lot. The less your (Self Centered) Fear is running riot, the more peace of mind you will have! So there is a strong incentive to reduce our levels of (Self Centered) Fear to an ABSOLUTE MIMIMUM.

Fear does have its uses! But I prefer to use PRUDENCE, rather than unbridled terror to direct my actions throughout the day, and keep me safe!!!
Bill W describes Prudence as 'rational concern, without worry'.

Recognizing Self Pity in its unflattering forms! It's not pretty!

In order to benefit from the vast pool of wisdom that is available to you in AA, and therefore learn the MOST you can about recovery, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO IDENTIFY WHO HAS SUCCEEDED IN KEEPING MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF THIS KILLER ILLNESS (such as Self Pity) IN REMISSION, AND TO WHAT EXTENT. A little? A lot? Self Pity is a SYMPTOM of alcoholism, which is a nasty, degrading, humiliating, killer illness. It's is a MASSIVE chunk of this illness. So its WELL worth learning to recognize.

For me I see Self Pity as characterized mainly by a DRAINED, APATHETIC, ENERGY-LESS state. It looks 'tired'. The more energy-less a person looks, the more I assume self pity is eating them up inside, and the more unchecked their belief is, that the glass IS half empty.

Poor me, poor me, pour me a drink. Complaining. Whingeing. Moaning. Hard done by.
Taking things for granted. Eg: I Complained because I Had No Shoes, until I met someone who had no feet. Believing the glass is half empty. Not half full.

Victim Mentality. Sympathy. Persecution complex

Apathy. Defeatism. What's the point? Drained. Weary. Energy-less. Lackluster. Heavy sigh. Everything is such an effort!

World weary. World weighs heavy on their shoulders. Sad smile. Sad.

Absence of things. Such as: No enthusiasm. No passion. No gratitude.

Ideally, Step 4 is where you get to identify where Self Pity has poisoned your wellbeing, (in the form of resentment). But until then, you still stand to benefit from recognizing degrees of manifestation of Self Pity both in yourselves and others. It will help you find the people who really have recovered from their Self Pity. They are the people who can teach you how to remove your own. Not unfortunately, the people whose Self Pity is still running the show.
Self Pity is incredibly painful, so if you do learn how to reduce or diminish your own you will have a very valuable skill to offer 'the alcoholic who still suffers'.

We ALL have Self Pitying tendencies. We will NEVER be perfectly free of it. But we CAN go to to ANY LENGTHS to not indulge our Self Pitying behaviors or attitudes, or alternatively, to ACT AS IF we are full of gratitude. (but describing gratitude is a whole other story!) So there is always something we can do to improve our lot. The less your Self Pity is running riot, the more peace of mind you will have! So there is a strong incentive to reduce our levels of Self Pity to an ABSOLUTE MIMIMUM.

Recognizing Pride in its unflattering forms! Its not pretty!

Pride is all about imbalances of the ego.
In the Spiritual world the ego is RUBBISH. The aim is to have NO ego. Ideally no self. The reason ego is such a skewed perception of reality is because THERE IS NO SELF. There is only ONE PERSON, and that is everyone! That's why pride and ego ALWAYS feels wrong or bad.
I defy you to indulge your pride and feel good. Its IMPOSSIBLE! Try it! It cant be done! You always end up feeling like a plank at some point!!
Hence the old axiom, Pride comes before a fall'. Yep pride sucks. Always feels uncomfortable and bad, like you are being poisoned from the inside.
Its totally at odds with your TRUE NATURE, and that's why it just never makes you feel 'happy joyous and free'.

The imbalances occur when:
The ego is too puffed up. 'Superior'.
The ego is shriveled. 'Inferior'.
Basically ALL ego is bad. Because we are in fact all one blob of existential awareness, manifesting in (what looks like) separate bodies but ABSOLUTELY connected together, whether we like it or not!
By the way, this is why WE HEAL OURSELVES WHEN WE TRY TO HELP OTHER PEOPLE. Why? Because we are really attempting to help another part of (what I call) the 'blob'. We ARE helping another part of OURSELVES. Even thought it doesn't look like it, looking through the (very limited) view of reality we get via our senses.
(Sorry for going into space cadet territory!) I cant help it!! Just ignore this part of it does your head in. ok? Hahaaaa. Even I have to laugh at the things I come out with sometimes. If you could hear the conversations I have with Sponsees sometimes..!!

Here are some 'earmarks' of evidence of mismanaged or inadequately managed PRIDE.
The more I see these things in others (and myself), the more I assume pride is significantly unrecognized, unchecked and badly managed by that person, (including myself!).

Definition of earmark: An identifying feature or characteristic: eg: a novel with all the earmarks of success

So I do NOT look to people with these characteristics to teach me a great deal about how to rid myself of my remaining pride or to develop humility, which would be the opposite of pride.
Also I find I would be unable to help people unless I was aware of these imbalances, both in myself and in others. These imbalances cause a HUGE amount of emotional pain, so they DO concern me. Pride Kills!

Manifestations of 'Superior' version of Pride:
What will people think of (The Great) me?
Arrogance. Smart alec. Cocky. Scoffing. Delusions of grandeur. Grandiose. Pious. -(Spiritual pride). Self importance. Big shot. Lord it about. Overvalue oneself. Think you are irreplaceable in some capacity. Pompous. Oblivious to personal fallibility. Talk down to people. Talk down to newcomers. Looking down your nose at ANYONE. Believing you are 'better than' other people. Sniffy. Snooty. Disgust. Don't you know who I am? Taking exception at the trials and errors of life EVER landing on THEIR doorstep!! Inflated. Talks for too long. Monopolizes conversations. Loves the sound of their own voice. Smug. Smarmy. Self congratulatory. Back slapping. Cozy. Complacent. Intolerance toward others with fewer skills and abilities than oneself. Pulls rank. I know better than you. Know it all. Smart Alec. Self righteous. Racist. Bigoted. Irritable. Thinking that because you have been sober a long time that you are somehow less likely to be wrong, or to make TERRIBLE mistakes.

Manifestations of 'Inferior' version of Pride:
Apologetic. Sheepish. Wimpy. Never speaks up. Assumes ones opinion is always null and void. Assumes one is always wrong, damaged, beyond repair, damaged goods, beyond help, loser. Convinced that they are 'special and different' because they are uniquely crap and therefore recovery does not apply to them.

Judgmental: (A form of Pride) Manifests as:
Critical. Condemnation. Finding fault. -with ANYTHING. Finger pointing. I'm right and you're WRONG! Being the 'chief critic'. Damming. Looking down your nose at ANYONE. Irritable. Intolerant. Unable to practice Live and Let live.

Judgmental behaviors:
When someone is in the habit of being judgmental and finding fault with people, places and things, they tend to adopt these kinds of behaviors...
Bitchiness. Attacking. Verbal attacks. Punishing behaviors or mindsets. Sarcasm. Putting other people down. Slagging off others. Making 'jokes' at the expense of others. Making someone the butt of a joke. Put downs. Thinly disguised put downs. Strained politeness. Phony. Fake. Insincere. Indignant exclusion. Sulking. Avoiding. Ignoring.
Or more obvious !! evidence of disapproval such as..
Physically attacking. Punching. Fighting. Shouting. Verbal abuse. Name calling.

Closed minded: (a form of arrogance, which is a form of Pride). Manifests as:
Contempt prior to investigation. Inflexible. Rigid. Un teachable. Not open to new ideas. Unable to let go of their old ideas.

Absence of Humility:
Thinking that because you have been sober a long time that you are somehow less likely to be wrong, or to make terrible mistakes. Oblivious to personal fallibility. No flies on me. I'm alright Jack. Conviction. Self Assurance. Unable to see that they could be wrong. Unquestioned confidence in ones decisions, perception or outlook. Confidence generally

Describing Humility is a whole other area, and I will not go into it here as it would take too long. But I hope after reading this you have a better grasp of how pride tends to manifest. Knowing this will make you are a better judge of who has really identified and rooted out their own pride, and who, on the other hand, is still being 'dragged around by the hair' by their pride.

In order to benefit from the vast pool of wisdom that is available to you in AA, and therefore learn the MOST you can about recovery, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO IDENTIFY WHO HAS SUCCEEDED IN KEEPING MAJOR SYMPTOMS OF THIS KILLER ILLNESS (such as Pride) IN REMISSION, AND TO WHAT EXTENT. A little? A lot? Pride is a SYMPTOM of alcoholism, which is a nasty, degrading, humiliating, killer illness. Pride is a MASSIVE chunk of this illness. Virtually a cornerstone. So its WELL worth learning to recognize.

Ideally, Step 4 is where you get to identify where pride has poisoned your wellbeing, (in the form of resentment). But until then, you still stand to benefit from recognizing degrees of manifestation of pride both in yourselves and others. It will help you find the people who really have recovered from their pride. They are the people who can teach you how to remove your own. Not unfortunately, the people whose Pride is still running the show.
Pride is incredibly painful, so if you do learn how to reduce or diminish your own you will have a very valuable skill to offer 'the alcoholic who still suffers'.
We ALL have pride. We will NEVER be perfectly free of it. But we CAN go to to ANY LENGTHS to not indulge our prideful behaviors, or alternatively, to ACT AS IF we are full of humility. (but describing humility is a whole other story!) So there is always something we can do to improve our lot. The less your pride is running riot, the more peace of mind you will have. So there is a strong incentive to reduce our levels of pride to an ABSOLUTE MIMIMUM.