I think I can be a good 'flat mate' when a demon shows up unexpectedly for a visit. The more I try to make them leave, the longer they stay. So I am the consummate host! I am very peaceful about them visiting. No matter how dark and shadowy they are. Even if they STINK! I just watch them go about the place. Sit themselves down. Help themselves to stuff in the fridge. Change the channel on the telly. I just say nothing, watch them. TRY to be nice to them and find out what is bothering them. What they want. Often it is just recognition, or attention. Somehow, in the process of looking at them, they become less shadowy. Less 'mad'. After a while they seem quite logical in many ways. A very obvious reaction to a painful episode. It can often seem quite heartbreaking to see their twisted souls, longings, conflicts, and muddy-ness. Such a mess! But, I am able to stay with them with compassion. Not judge them. And really LISTEN to them. Then this ?'stuff' just moves through me, and it is no longer a 'hot potato'. Its vanished. Back into the ether. There are many pretty ugly unlovable parts of the mind, but you can't flinch from them. Any more than it would be ok to flinch from a stinking, belligerent newcomer man. They ALL deserve our help and our attention. We cannot 'dismiss' them because they are ugly or frightening. They ALL belong to us, so it is up to US, (not anybody else) to be a 'good parent' to them. Show them love and compassion really.
But yeah, it takes a bit of practice, and its probably better to try to do after a while in the programme, rather than when you are feeling very ? Unsafe or afraid of drinking. But don't you see? This is why helping newcomers is so cool! It teaches us compassion towards these quite powerful, damaged and unruly parts of ourselves.
5 comments:
I like the way you describe welcoming them in, I do this too, not as hospitalble as you, but none the less I do not "flinch" when they come... all going in the right direction. They come and they go, the more I resist, the more they stick around and unssettle, so i try not to. yeh the more gentle I am with myself and all my imperfections, the more peaceful I feel. Am just a human at the end of the day, not a robot.
dismissing my hurt is a daily struggle for me. it's something i learnt in my childhood because of my dad's drinking and the crap that went with it. i've become so good at it that i literally forgot hurtful painful things that happened. but lately i've been getting memory flashes of the weirdest things. i remember the oddest occasions. it's like parts of my memory are coming back, and although i still cannot remember the whole story, it's like i'm getting 'back' little parts of my forgotten life. sometimes it scares me that i just want to shut it up, that's my first reaction, but now when that happens, i just let my mind go it's own course. go where it wants. surely if i'm meant to remember things, i should...
I find the best place to let that stuff unravel naturally is during the course of the first 9 steps. Usually a 9 month period with my Sponsees. sometimes less. 6 months sometimes.
Actually I try to figure all that stuff out in step 1, so i get it over within 1 to 2 months. then its just up to the Sponsee to 'process it; during the rest of the steps. and after if they want to.
I usually sniff all that stuff out at the beginning. in step 1.
Most alcoholics have WOEFUL levels of denial. So it's very normal. But going to any lengths to complete the steps with a sponsor 'creates a safe place' for this stuff to happen. energetically speaking.
I would concentrate on getting your 'spiritual' daily routines down pat in preparation for your coming off anti depressants in two weeks.
Worrying about this stuff at this stage is a bit like trying to run before you can walk. I wouldn't dwell on it. If you are going to dwell on anything, dwell on the big book or something. You will need it in two weeks!
It all sorts itself out in the wash, Don't you worry..
Very insightful! Thanks....
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