About Me

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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Monday, October 22, 2007

'Lost' in Uncharted Territory: I have no compass. And I have no map. Uncertainty can be a guiding light.

Growing up in just about any way at all means journeys out of your comfort zone are UNAVOIDABLE.
Even though this new stuff is GOOD, it can STILL feel VERY scary when embarked upon, and uncertain. Terrifying, as a matter of fact. For some anyhow.

After a lifetime of drama and fear, and survival skills, feeling comfortable can feel like something is missing.
Not feeling constantly preoccupied can feel like something is 'wrong'.
Also when really SERIOUSLY reevaluating long held beliefs WITH ALL SINCERITY, it can completely 'Rock your World'. Realizations can be VERY far from comfortable. People think insights will be 'comforting', or 'cozy'. Not so. Some can be terrifying. They challenge EVERYTHING. It can seem like there is NOTHING to hold onto. Sometimes, because, for the time being anyhow, there ISN'T. (..Oh ye of little faith.)

So I'm just saying. Feeling 'lost' or without any reference to hold on to, is not comfortable as such, but I see it as being very healthy. Meaning you are in a process of reevaluation.
BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, you need to use a little common sense with this. Do this in moderation. Don't go 'full tilt' if you can't hack it. If its all getting a bit much, go do something very simple and reassuring, like go to a meeting and coffee after. Have a nap or go see a nice movie. You know, unchallenging stuff. Gym. Whatever.

For a LOT of us, the UNKNOWN and UNCHARTED world is the world of 'Happy joyous and free'.
The world of 'comfortable in my own skin'.
The world of 'There are no 'Big Deals'.
The world of TRUST.
The world of 'I feel safe'.
The world of 'I feel looked after'.

Not everybody. But a LOT. Especially those with abusive pasts.
Or those who live in TERROR of rejection.
Or those with CHRONIC DEPENDENDENCE upon external validation in the form of a relationship. (Most women seem to think their lives are a travesty of inconsequence if they are not in the role of wife/girlfriend) Jeez. Almost as mad as when a guy thinks he is a complete waste of space unless he is a ? 'sufficient' ? Breadwinner.
We are all as bad as each other really. We are ALL riddled with crazy irrationalities. What separates the men from the boys, is not whether we HAVE them, its to what extent we allow our lives to be DOMINATED by them. That all. So don't go thinking you are some kind of freak loser because you have spotted an irrationality. Welcome to the human condition!! It is CHOCK full of paradoxes and contradictions. Sure beats a Rubik cube any day for its brain teasing capacities!

Like Bono says in Zooropa
And I have no compass.
And I have no map.
And I have no reasons.
No reasons to get back.

And I have no religion.
And I don't know what's what.
And I don't know the limit.
The limit of what we've got.

Don't worry baby. It'll be alright.
You got the right shoes.
To get you through the night.
It's cold outside. But brightly lit.
Skip the subway.
Let's go to the overground.
Get your head out of the mud baby.
Put flowers in the mud baby.

No particular place names.
No particular song.
I've been hiding.
What am I hiding from?

Don't worry baby. It's gonna be alright.
Uncertainty can be a guiding light.
I hear voices. Ridiculous voices.
In the slipstream.
Let's go. Let's go overground.
Take your head out of the mud baby.

She's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in.
She's gonna dream out loud.


molly said...

I haven't been able to FULLY read your comment on my blog b/c I burst into tears each time. Not out of sadness but out of feeling like someone understands for the moment.

In addition to AA, I go to a lady therapist (who got me in AA :) that told me Friday that I was missing some key navigational skills b/c of the family dysfunction.. I'm still trying to figure out what she meant but when I saw the topic of today's blog ('Lost' in Uncharted Territory: I have no compass. And I have no map." reminded me of what she said. The timing is interesting.. coincindence?

Anyhoo - thanks for being you

Syd said...

I like what you say about the human condition. I don't think that I'll ever be rid of my character defects totally but at least I can recognize when one crops up. And I can then do something about it.

Shadow said...

those lyrics are amazing!!!

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Yeah Ms Shadow, for whatever reason I really love these lyrics. Much of my progress involves being FAR FAR away from the view of the world I knew before recovery, so I need to feel safe exploring GOOD things that feel utterly unfamiliar, and this track helps me do that. Besides, I like exploring weird new versions of how to live life. Its very scary, but feels pioneering. Bono wrote this at a particularly creative spell when he broke away from his former writing routines when they did the Zooropa album. It was a very creative period, and I think we need almost the same level of persistent open minded creativity to navigate through our own processes. I love the unflinching commitment to problem solving this lyric is about. It says there is no way he can go back, and the journey to the new shore sounds VERY uncomfortable, but it can't be avoided. We all need a bit of faith to tide us over when we are in between the old and new shore, and I find this track reassuring and encouraging. Its a statement of faith really. That it will be ok. Which it will. But its always nice to be reminded of that..

Hey and thanks for dropping by y'all. Hope you feel better son Miss Molly..

Kathy Lynne said...

So true so very true. I love when I read stuff like this that makes me feel like I'm not an idiot. I heard that the program is simple but not easy. Whatever, I'm willing to face the hard stuff and do the work because no matter what, sober is better. And yes, sometimes we just need permission to go easy, take a break. Just don't drink.

Recovery Road London said...

Rejection? I reject rejection and, erm...

Rejection sucks.

johno said...

Getting out of the uncomfortable comfort zone, is scary, and exhilarating and VERY important... this is what recovery is all about. Its so damn worth it! Especially when it starts to get exciting! Have a goo wednesday

Anonymous said...

Again your uncommon quality is your common sense. And Bono's is his fashion sense. I like to think he's right. I'd like to think that if "you got the right shoes""it'll be alright."

But we're not in Kansas anymore. And Bono would never be that superficial.

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Well all I know i that things tend to work out for me in the end. But results aren't instant. Things just show up when they are supposed to. But there is a temptation towards doom and glom when things don't appear to be going my way for the time being. Faith is always easier in hindsight..
And who's to say that that assertion is superficial? What if its the opposite? And how do you 'decide' what is superficial and what isn't anyhow? See, its not that simple..
Sometimes the things that look superficial are the things that are the LEAST superficial. And the things that look like they appear to have depth are the things that have none.
The intellect can only take you so far. Part of the reason poetry and music are so useful to me is because they do no stem from the field of logic, as such.

What if you ARE in Kansas, but you just cant see that you are? See things just arent what they appear.
What I hear in that comment is cynicism. Easy to fall into. For me anyhow. But I don't think it is the truth. NOt the whole truth anyway.
Faith is a weird one. What is that thing they say?..
For those that do NOT have it, no proof is sufficient.
For those that have it, no proof is necessary..

I understand your perspective, but my experience is that it IS alright. Even when it doesn't SEEM like it is at the time.
Whatever. Rambling now. off to get some zz's..

Shannon said...

I have and am recently going through this lost period, but I have come to realize that I am needing to expand on things search out new things
like you said here
"So I'm just saying. Feeling 'lost' or without any reference to hold on to, is not comfortable as such, but I see it as being very healthy. Meaning you are in a process of reevaluation."
I am reevaluating things... and I am ok with it...
Hope you are having a fabulous Monday

GOOOOOD ol Rockytop... rockytop tennesseeeeee! said...

OMG, I forgot how much I loved your posts!! Great post, exactly what I needed to hear, I feel the same way sometimes, lost no compass type feeling... like I don't know where I am going or what my purpose is...

I do go to movies, coffee, MEETINGS, and workout to detach for a while...

Lol, great post!

johno said...

Hi, havent caught bed bugs yet from the east! happy halloween, back to the books!! there are no days off, its relentless, but SOOOOOOOOOOOO interesting :)

Shadow said...

you are awfully quiet lately?!?!

johno said...

Step away from the books for 45 minutes and blog!

Anonymous said...

Hope you are well. I am sure that you are. I enjoyed this post. Just seems to shed light on my current situation of vulnerability and being back into the World. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Hey!!! Irish!!! Where the HELL are you????

It's holiday season here in the USA, the one where we celebrate having lived a year after landing at Plymouth, so I'm asking you to write about what you're grateful to have learned in recovery.

You've been memed.

Recovery Road London said...

Growing up? Ooh. Noooooooooo. Goodness. Perish the thought.

*hides map of territory outside of comfort zone*

Peter. Pan. Lol.

johno said...

thanks for stopping by, hope your enjoying your trip? only 2 weeks left, 2 assignments left :) then am off outer here!!!

Anonymous said...

that is definitely what I was searching for, You have saved me alot of time