How I try not to be a control freak when I am attempting to help newcomers

Once we relinquish the deluded craving to control others, we (paradoxically) become MUCH more able to engage in a significant way with that person.
It’s hard to relinquish the delusion of control when there is a possibility of death, but because it is so beneficial to the relationship with newcomers, we have a duty to, if we care about that person, and the time they have left with us.

I cannot help a newcomer unless I know they may die if they do not get well. nor can I help them if I am being a control freak. I have to be impartial. Unattached. Without agenda, for them to be able to listen to me. Otherwise I am wasting my time, and possibly speeding up their demise.

I can ‘feel’’ when things are not right. I can ‘feel’ when I am saying something that rankles that is not helping them. Sometimes it is good that they are rankled. Other times it is not. I tell the difference between the two by how it feels being in their presence, how the conversation feels and my intention to be of service.
Even when I am doing something ‘right’ I will get a short lived ‘toxic’ response from the newcomer as they ‘thrash around’ initially when faced with some inconvenient truth that narrows their options to seeking a spiritual solution. I cannot remember how long this period used to last when I first started doing it, but for the last few years I have noticed that if I persevere, the initial ‘fight’ can last as short as 2-3hrs. Sometimes 1-2. Very occasionally 45mins. What I mean is that rebellion of some sort is to be expected and do not take it personally. There are of course some who remain argumentative and complaining no matter what. They tend to be the more strident, confident, somewhat bullying-type personalities. Perhaps they have no desire to change? Perhaps there is just an entrenched habit of the mind to argue and criticise? Who knows. All I know some remain shirty and complaining for a long time. I don’t mind that they are like this, but it is not pleasant, and requires patience. They deserve help just like everyone else, but if I think I am not helping them I will back off, unless they are at real risk of drinking or feeling suicidal, and are too angry to ask for help in AA somewhere else.

It is possible to make very concrete suggestions with NO agenda to control. I am not required to be vague. All I do is give up the internal ‘fight’ to have things ‘go my way’. I act in full knowledge that the worst may occur and I may never get what I want, and I am resolved to accept that should it arise. I know that when I genuinely feel this way, that the other person knows this is my feeling, even if I never articulate it as such. Most communication is non-verbal, and people can tell if you are ‘on their case’ or not. Most of the time I am paying attention to how I feel about what is being said, more than the words themselves. Often I will feel initially attacked, when they start feeling antagonistic or derogatory toward me, but this is 90% of the time temporary, so experience has taught me not to take it personally. The better the communication feels, after the initial ‘hump’, the more I feel I am helping/getting through to them.

Otherwise it is perfectly natural for anger or resentment to crop up from time to time from people you help. As long as they have sufficient restraint to communicate it in a non-harmful way, this need not be an issue. Until then, you just have to be a bit patient, and do some damage limitation with their outbursts when they show up. I am able to be firm and draw a line if I am not offended or defensive (ie not resentful).

I do not apply this to people who’ve been in AA longer and are not at much risk of drinking at all. If they are sour, gossipy or critical of anyone, they are not people I befriend or hang around with in AA. I am very lucky to have many meetings to choose from so it is not very difficult to find people who have been sober for a while and do not bitch and moan about other AAs. There are some extraordinarily fair minded and balanced AAs in my locale, some with extremely impressive social skills, so I am very lucky. The cantankerous, complaining judgemental ones can be avoided fairly easily. AA will always be a big mixture of people so their will always be the snide passive-aggressives and the overt attackers in amongst the membership. As long as you spot it fairly quickly and move on, it doesn’t have to be an issue.

Phew. This Sunday seems very peaceful despite my too-full agenda, and I have a short stop at a beautiful ancient church here which I always like. I hope your heart is at rest this Sunday.