Words can be INCREDIBLY hurtful. You can 'kill' with words. (Gossip in AA kills, for instance.)
It is VERY important to learn how to SKILFULLY AVOID argumentative and attacking comments, AND argumentative and attacking people.
When someone either thinks or says something POISONOUS toward us this is what is known as 'Psychic Attack'. Well I call it that anyway.
It can take the form of, Rant, bile, blame, digs, sarcasm, hurtful comments..
As part of taking care of myself I WALK AWAY from people who TRY to say toxic things to me. I simply DO NOT TALK to verbally attacking people. I do not know how NOT to be hurt by cruel words any more than I know how to NOT be hurt by a physical injury.
Unless you have a heart of STONE, (or are completely numb) cruel words will ALWAYS hurt.
Moral of the story? STICK WITH THE WINNERS.
And physically avoid verbal attacks when they arise unexpectedly.
ie just WALK AWAY or END THE PHONE CALL when they 'start up'. Or even better, when YOU CAN TELL THEY ARE ABOUT TO START UP but they haven't got round to saying anything poisonous YET.
There may be a temptation to 'address' their negativity, (to 'win a POINTLESS argument' as they say in the 12x12) but it is MUCH easier just to STAY AWAY.
Regarding 'arguments' and disagreement generally..
"Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it."
"That's the thing about faith. If you don't have it you can't understand it. And if you do, no explanation is necessary. -- Major Kira Nerys
“To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”
St. Thomas Aquinas quotes (Scholastic philosopher and theologian, 1225-1274)
“For those who understand, no explanation is necessary; for those who don't understand, no explanation is possible”
I do NOT try to 'convert' people to 'my way of thinking'.
It is NOT my problem, if they want to believe negative things!!!
I am under NO obligation to 'fix' them. Besides, it take FAR too much energy!
To me, all 'arguments' are essentially about a lack of faith in the other person. An EGO BATTLE of sorts. (Well that's how I interpret them in the role of sponsor anyway.) Outside that , I don't really know as I just do not find myself 'arguing' with people not in AA, because it is just too draining a form of communication for me. Life is too short.
This is basically another version of practicing 'Stick with the winners'.
Its probably one the MOST important things to do in recovery.
Negativity IS contagious. So is positivity.
About Me
- An Irish Friend of Bill
- I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.
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4 comments:
Sounds like you are on the road to recovery. I have been sober for about 15 years now and have a slightly different approach. I do try to make it one day at a time and have managed to stay on that road. The biggest change I had to make was from within me. Drinking was my excuse and no matter how I interacted with others, I had to start and end with facing that guy I look at in the mirror each day. I did not find AA the answer for me, sobriety was the answer. For a long time I feared "Falling off the Wagon" but found that was just an excuse for drinking not a reason. I find a good exchange with people a good thing not a bad. I am no more or less prone to be a miserable som'bitch. I can be anything I want to be. Good luck to you MUD posting as ridingwithmud.blogspot.com
Thanks for the wonderful lesson. It's better to walk away than to wrestle with the pig.
Thank you again my friend. Happy weekend to you.
Thanks for the reminder about negitive thoughts. In rehab we have a lot of finger pointing everyday. It is easy to get lost in that, I get try to work my program, and what I need to do, not others.
Peace
Hugs and Kisses
Steve
it kind of reminds me of Desiderata, "Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit."
I hope you are having a fantastic day!
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