About Me

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I have recovered from the disease of Alcoholism. I believe there is only one person really,.. everybody. And that peace of mind is everything. -So treat your neighbor as you would treat yourself, because your neighbor IS yourself. I think most of recovery is what I would call common sense, but that learning to be ordinary is a true gift very few people acquire. My ambition is to accept everything unflinchingly, with compassion, and therefore be intrinsically comfortable in my own skin, no matter what. I am comfortable being uncomfortable and am willing to go to any lengths to improve my life. I believe the Big Book was divinely inspired, and is extraordinarily powerful. Unfortunately AA's best kept secret a lot of the time. (In my opinion). I just try to do what works, no matter what it is.

Monday, April 09, 2007

Trust issues: Letting my guard down COMPLETELY

Everyone is different, but I have a !! LOT of work to do in the area of trust, so I just thought I would share some stuff with you..

I STILL find it hard to relax and trust that I will not 'fall' in the presence of unconditional love. Being UTTERLY undefended still feels ! scary, as I spent many years of my life (quite rightly!) looking over my shoulder in unprotected, unpredictable and edgy surroundings. Its a hard habit to break!

The only way 'out' for me is to trust that 'Feelings aren't facts'. And that even though it FEELS like instant annihilation looms if I so much as leave my guard down for a ! MOMENT, that it is just my old conditioning playing tricks with me. Its pretty uncomfortable work though! Allowing myself to trust feels like I am standing in the path of an oncoming juggernaut! Not nice! Even when I KNOW my feelings are NOT reality, it STILL feels like a waking nightmare when I try to 'stand firm' and not 'withdraw' emotionally to a 'guarded' position. The only way to 're-programme' myself is to not 'run' and wait till the emotions subside. I don't know what its like for others but I have quite ! Severe trust issues, so my emotional work can seem very demanding at times. But I don't mind. The end justifies the means.

I have found I have to be willing to endure uncomfortable turmoil to 'see through it'. I just cannot make sense of it without 'seeing' it first hand. I have some sort of safe 'core' from which I observe these emotional reactions, So I'm not sure the same technique would work for newer people.

This type of trust work is a fairly recent thing for me. 2 years old or so. For some reason, my old programming is 'coming up' in a very clear and noticeable way. Its a blessing, as I can SEE what I am dealing with. I don't recall EVER being able to see these 'demons' as clearly as I have in the last 2 years or so. I'm very excited about where this work is taking me in regard to my ability to relate fearlessly and openly in relationships.

Although I cannot really tell, as I am not a mind reader, I think in comparison to others, I may ? actually be quite an emotionally damaged person. This is probably why I rely on the programme to the extent that I do. But who knows, its VERY difficult to be objective about these things, and holding that view reinforces my ego, or sense of 'small' self, so I tend not to like thinking along those lines.

(By the way, this post is NOT about learning to trust recklessly, with all and sundry! It refers to learning how to drop my guard in a SAFE context. So if you are new please don't think you should start trusting EVERYBODY. That is NOT what I am referring to here. Learning who you CAN entrust is actually a pretty sophisticated skill in itself.)


Trudging said...

I am glad that you are learning to trust.

Syd said...

I know that I'm emotionally damaged. One therapist said that I had PTS because of alcoholism. I've always wanted to trust others, that's the kicker. I would leave myself wide open for all kinds of bad stuff. That's sheer insanity thinking that I would be strong enough to endure. Not a smart move for the old psyche!

Mama Dukes said...

yeah, 1st I trusted everyone, then no one not even God or myself. Today its not that hard to disern who is trustable & reliable now that I'm not tying to get something over on everyone too