John Legend's stripped-down, piano-based cover of Pride (In The Name of Love)

This is a lovely version of Pride. I just thought I would share it with you. i saw it mentioned on u2.com and had a listen. Very soulful. It's part of a two hour TV special marking the fortieth anniversary of the assassination of Martin Luther King. Apparently.

Right. Busy essay day! Have a lovely Monday!

An Instant Cure for Self Pity, or an attack of the 'Poor Me's'

There is probably SOMEONE out there who is sufficiently ! self obsessed or has such entrenched and habitual 'poor me' thinking, that they will be able to STILL feel sorry for themselves AFTER watching this, but hopefully those people will be few and far between!

Happy Easter and all that. But go easy on the chocolate girlies! You will only regret it later. :( Have a Green and Blacks Nut and Seed Cereal Bars instead. They are probably JUST as calorific, but for some (deluded) reason, you feel slightly ? immune from the curse of imminent obesity after polishing off the entire pack of three in one go. Not that I !! would know anything about that! Yeah right. Ah well . Back to the raw broccoli I suppose...

Only 21 women in every 1000 are get married in the UK. 23 in every 1000 men

A BBC News article caled Marriage rates lowest since 1862

Amazing eh?
That's for you ladies who have concluded there is something 'wrong' with you if you are not married!

I BET you had no idea the figures were so low. I had NO idea.
So basically, you are one of societies 'oddities' if you are
A. Over 16, ..AND
B. Getting married!

So there you go. Just thought I would share that with you. Personally I think marriage should only ever be attempted by the RUTHLESSLY !!! honest, and pretty enlightened folks, as I think the legal structure leaves a great deal to be desired. And the legalities of divorce are ! Horrendous. Mind you, all separations are pretty dodgy after a long period. But there you go, people are voting with their feet and just not 'playing'.
But yeah I reckon it could work if you knew yourself very well and were able to find a way of doing it that worked.

Makes you wonder how all those 'wedding' magazines and shops manage to stay in business..

Gotta go! Have a nice Wednesday!

How to download audio files off the internet for your ipod

Yeah I know it looks obvious, but I didn't figure it out for a while and had to ask, so I just thought I would mention it just in case.
Have a nice Tuesday!

Great talk on 'Restraint of tongue and pen" by Ajahn Munindo called 'Wise Forebearance'

Ajahn Munindo does a great 20 minute talk here on how to actually practice 'Restraint of tongue and pen" called Wise Forebearance. Great stuff!

Ajahn Munindo does a great 20 minute talk here on how to actually practice 'Restraint of tongue and pen" called Wise Forebearance. Great stuff!

Last 14mins very focused on how to do restraint.
(To stick it on your ipod, right click on the link and it prompts you to 'Download linked file as.." then save it on your desktop. Then itunes, then ipod. Done! )

"Nothing pays off like restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious, power-driven argument. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep the traps. When we are tempted by the bait, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act to good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic."
Step 10. From 12 x 12

Amen!
I don't know about you but I am SERIOUSLY IMPRESED by restraint, and patient endurance. This is NOT to be confused with REPRESSION, which can more likely described as 'Bitter endurance' or unfeeling unawareness. Whatever, anyway, its not the same.
Right I better go. Have a nice Sunday!

PS. I also like Johno's 'Sellotape over the mouth" or ? 'Duct tape the mouth' phraseology to describe this thing. Funny! Though I cant find the post she used it in. oh well. Its good because it shows how HARD it is to do. That's why it impresses me!

Things are never as bad or as good as you think!

"Things are never as bad or as good as you think!"

Someone told me this and I REALLY like it, so I thought I would share it with you.
Its very cool. Looks like nothing at first glance, but it IS .. true.
Cool. I had never noticed this until someone pointed it out to me. I LOVE it when i find some piece of new information..

Hope you are having a lovely Thursday wherever you are. I'm knee deep in study books. Till at least ? June. Ah well. Wish me luck! I still lack discipline (having lost my capacity for desperation a LONG time ago), but I am doing my ! lousy best I suppose. Confidence is not great, but I am just showing up and seeing what happens. It aint a walk in the park, thats for sure!

Hot tip. Healthy snack food. Marks and Spencers do these shredded raw veg in microwaveable containers for two quid or something. They cook in 2 minutes and basically it is just shredded vegetables. but they taste ! LOVELY. (Yeah I know, WEIRD) GREAT snack food for when you are at work or cant be BOTHERED to cook something 'healthy'. Like a SERIOUSLY healthy version of a Pot noodle. How cool is that! Plus it doesn't make you fat! Which is nice. :) Whatever. Right i'd better be off!

Total Lunar eclipse Wednesday 20th Feb 2008

Total Lunar eclipse Wednesday 20th Feb 2008
Details on the link above courtesy of NASA if you like that kind of thing. Hey I love a bit of planetary weirdness. Jonathan Cainer always mentions these things as well on his site.
Enjoy!

Eclipse times:
London: Thursday: 1.43am - 5.09am (totality: 3.01am-3.51am)
Cape Town: Thursday: 3.43am-7.09am (totality: 5.01am - 5.51am)
Madrid/Paris: Thursday: 2.43am - 6.09am (totality: 4.01am - 4.51am)
New York: Wednesday: 8.43pm - 00.09am (totality: 10.01pm - 10.51pm)
California: Partial eclipse only - visible from moonrise only: 5.46pm

Heard in a meeting

"You're not responsible for the FIRST thought that comes into your head,
But you ARE responsible for the SECOND thought,
And for the FIRST action."

And

"AA is full of Mirrors and Lighthouses"

Cool. I liked them. And I haven't heard them before.
Hope you are having a good Monday. The weather is SERIOUSLY GORGEOUS over here.

IT'S YOUR WORLD YOU CAN CHANGE IT

This is a video of U2 performance of the fly on the Zoo TV tour.
Kathys post onYes We Can - Barack Obama Music Video which I LOVED watching, (even though I am NO authority on American politics, except for having the same level of fondness for George Bush as David Icke ) but anyway. I digress. its a great video, but it reminded me of my favorite bit of the Zoo TV U2 tour performances, which was the HUGE !!!! Ultra high definition TV's flashing the words IT'S YOUR WORLD YOU CAN CHANGE IT over and over REALLY !!!! Fast at the end of the song the fly. Here's a utube vid of it. I LOVE multimedia installations, and use of cool words. I think the video stage backdrop had a lot to do with Brian Eno whose mind I LOVE. I LOVE the way he thinks creatively. Whatever. Anyway the TV installations were HUGE and breathtaking. Really well done. This tiny utube pic does not do it justice. The effect of those words being flashed MASSIVELY in the background was very effective. Very believable. I love 'propaganda' and suggestion when it is used in a positive empowering way. It works! Anyway. Just thought I would share that with you. There were a couple of very powerful messages I took from that concert. A couple of slogans that have stayed with me since I first saw them in that incredibly powerful context of a beautifully engineered video installation. Good work Mr Eno! I really ought to read more of his stuff, as I find his thinking very inspiring. ( I think I want to purchase his little book of cards called Oblique strategies.) Whatever. There are so many great creative minds out there. Hard working souls! Right I'd better be off. Have yourselves a great Monday!.

Watch Derren Brown Friday win on the horses on 'the system'

Article in the Times about Derren Brown's programme
I dare say they will repeat it ad infinitum, so no hurry to see it on Friday.

This ia a David Blaine spoof and is LIBERALLY sprinkled with the use of the F word, so please do NOT watch it if you are offended by the use of the F word. Personally I loved it. Made me laugh. but you may not. ?

I confess I really like Mr Blaine and Mr D Brown, but I don't know how they do what they do. But suffice to say I have no problem with the idea that mind over matter stuff is very real. That's my view, so I like people that look as though they are doing that stuff SOMETIMES. As opposed to ALL the time. I figure some are legit tricks, and some are not. I have no idea which percentage. 80/20?, 90/10?, 95/5?. No idea. I would say it was a smaller proportion. But anyway, they are great showmen, regardless of how they do what they do. I like em, whether they are simple magicians or not.

My favorite D Blaine quote. "Soft is stronger than hard."
His site is quite interesting. Lots of video stuff, and nice pics. Mr D Brown's is much more unassuming. But I confess I LOVE his understated reserve. Very British. But that's just me.

'The Journey to Alcoholics Anonymous' short video by UK General Service Office of AA

This is a seriously GREAT video for newcomers called ' The Journey to Alcoholics Anonymous" that Higher Powered Daave spotted a while back, but I am SO impressed with it that I thought I would mention it. Its really good for people who are new and have hang-ups and worries about what AA will be like if they go to a meeting.
Anyway see for yourself. And thanks to Daave for spotting it for me. I think I will include a sidebar link for this permanently.

Have a great Sunday!

Forget Everything And Remember: Self Centred Fear and Fear of financial insecurity

Good old Ian Brown. This is F. E. A. R. (Uncle remix)

Fear is understandable.
So don't be hard on yourself
Accept this inner chaos for starters

Then. Here's the thing.
TRUST that even though this LOOKS scary.
That EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE.

Your higher power is ONLY ever interested in giving you WHAT IS THE VERY!!!! BEST FOR YOU.

If your higher power says NO to THIS thing.
It is because there is something FAR BETTER in store for you.
And in order to GET THAT, you have to LET GO of this thing.

So just TRUST THAT
And let those feelings just rumble along in the background, doing their own thing.
Have them. But do not BELIEVE them.

Also, like I said in a previous post about thing balancing themselves out, the universe ALWAYS seems to 'balances out' those that are 'channels', meaning those that have had a spiritual awakening as a result of the steps, sort of thing.
So if your mind is very much 'stuck' to ONE side on some matter. The universe will PRESENT a situation to force this 'stuck' position to 'unstick' itself, and become more encompassing of other world views.

The universe does NOT tolerate ONE SIDED, 'fixed positions' or deluded longing and attachment to worldly things. (in those whose 'channels' are 'open')

Owning things is FINE. its BELIEVING in them as your mental and emotional 'savior' that is the 'problem'. Or attaching GREAT SIGNIFICANCE to them. Nothing wrong with LIKING them, or choosing to ENJOY them in the moment. Its CREATING YOUR ENTIRE IDENTITY FROM THEM that makes things a bit sticky later!
So the universe will create situations to re educate !!! you in this matter if it sees one of its students leaning too far one way.

So be warned!!!
If you are SINCERE in your wish for INNER PEACE and a desire to help others, life lessons will come THICK AND FAST.
The better the student, the more 'assignments' you get!!!
So if you have a dozen 'existential' essays to complete, then trust me! Your higher power rates you as a TOP student!!
You don't get to languish in the back of the class staring out the window and texting your mates!
Nah!
YOUR HIGHER POWER HAS WAYS OF GETTING YOUR ATTENTION.
So pay attention!
YOU SNOOZE YOU LOSE

Regarding money and objects. I LOVE edges comment in an interview where he said:

"Possessions are a way of turning money into problems."
and
"I don't have anything that I'd miss if it got stolen."

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,2099-1334305,00.html
Sunday Times. November 2004

Hey and if you are scared, do the Taoist arch as well.
And earn some good karma points by trying to be of as much benefit to the person MOST in need (usually the newcomer) as you can. They stand to lose the MOST if they fail, so their weaknesses are the MOST in need of correcting. Lives !are at stake, so EVERY bit of help counts! You just NEVER KNOW if YOU will be the person who 'gets through' to them, so give it a whirl and see what happens. If it is good it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and, if it is bad it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Just show up. You paddle and god steers.

Service and getting motivated to go to ANY LENGTHS to study for a BETTER JOB. NO excuses!

Service is everything. it goes beyond outward action to the quality of ones heart, presence, and inner stillness.
These 'silent' qualities enrich others very powerfully.

Everything I do, say, think and feel can be service.
Meaning, In any moment, I am either taking, or I am giving.
But yes. sometimes practical help is needed. If I have free time.

Outward actions that help (for me) are prioritized by the potential benefit that can occur by doing them.
The more my acts have the potential to benefit others, the higher the importance of that task.
So attempting to prevent death is first.
Attempting to prevent premature death second.
Attempting to prevent unhappiness that has no impact on the longevity.
If longevity not an issue. then QUALITY of life is important.
So old and dying first. as very little time! 5 yrs?
Terminal illness, that I cannot alter. of any age.
Misery generally.

All these things I address in that order, by offering (in some form or other) how to practice (what I see as) spiritual principles. Although you might not know that I was doing that if you saw me doing it! But that's what I see myself as doing. I sort of 'sneak it in' while Im doing mundane stuff. Like at work. Which is mundane stuff. Sometimes I just 'hang around' (while I am at work) and be an example of an un neurotic person. Just that can really !! freak people out sometimes. Its quite funny really. Stressed people get freaked out by people ho have no drama. Heehee.

Don't get me wrong. Im not saying Im like this all the time. Im not. I get stressed and tense about things. But by and large that is how my priorities are in my head. That's what I mean. There is a structure to what comes first when choosing how to make use of my time at work, and if I have any free time to sponsor when I'm not studying, and doing my own life obligations.

Mostly it is aiming to prevent death due to (what I see) as untreated alcoholism, (which can look on the surface like madness, or pain, or depression) by trying to teach others what was shown freely to me.
Followed by attempting to show other women how to be good sponsors. So they can do the same.
Then the sick, old and dying in my immediate family.
Then the general misery I encounter on a day to day level at work, shopping etc..

Lastly I look to my study for a new job as a way to help others. I see jobs as ego feeding so this can be difficult.
Getting a high paying, 'swishy' job seems a bit bizarre and pointless. but I am trying to make into another way I can help others.
But this is harder for me because it involves money. seeing beyond the money, ego and position this might provide me with if I do it well is difficult. I lack !!! Motivation!
But I am working on it!
Its probably just laziness, and fear experiencing incompetence and failure outside my area of expertise, and looking c*ap while I do it.
The best workers are egoless, but the potential for money and status confuse me and really put me off actually.
My immediate family are outwardly successful but seem desperately unhappy, so that's kind of what puts me off. I sense a deep abiding pain in them when I am ever around them. That's why I don't want to spend much time with them. Perhaps I am just better at sensing their pain than I am in sensing others pain.
Who knows.
Or else they just have a greater debt of energetic baggage to process than others.
But Winston Churchill was a troubled man and I like him. So baggage need not put one off people. Well all that is my judgment of that situation. But I can find unhappy people very !! draining, so I avoid them, unless there is an ! important piece of service work that needs doing.

So service in the form of this new job I am studying for is my new 'project' in expanding my step 12 remit. Even though I LACK motivation to improve upon my position in a largely repetitive and brain dead unchallenging 'comfortable rut' job that I have been doing for FAR TOO LONG. Oh well.
I hope I manage it, because the 'carrot' (on the stick) of money, position, and social status have absolutely no appeal to me. But this could just be BS. My ego just hiding under the duvet.
One never knows. Most of my thinking and perception is utter BS.
Thank GOD, I know that I don't know. And just don't trust what my head tells me.

Basically I need to go to ANY LENGTHS to complete this seemingly limitless pile of coursework for the next nine weeks.
Scary!

Nine weeks of ANY LENGTHS study.
I need to 'import' the same focus and energy that I HAVE when I am talking to a newcomer, and TRANSPOSE it onto my study obligations. Which are huge. Or seem huge anyway.
Whatever. Just another journey out of the comfort zone, so same ol same ol.
!! Why are there no days off? Ever? There is ALWAYS something new. Something that you do SO APPALLINGLY that only the GREATEST effort will pull it out of the bag.
Well compared to the proficiency I can experience with aa stuff, my level of student expertise is very !! underperforming by comparison.
I'm not cr*p, but I AM crap, at just sitting down and GETTING !!!ON WITH IT!!

Discipline. Where is it? I think I am just a bit unmanageable. Too much the hippy. Too much 'whatever'. It is there with some stuff, but it is not here IN FORCE with the study.
Ah well. Another learning curve on the spiritual curriculum of life!

Todays (and for the next 2-3 years) Spiritual curriculum is:

'How to find a sense of urgency when you have NONE'
'How to (very sensibly) improve ones position in the job market when I have NO belief that outward conditions are responsible for my wellbeing. Basically that it will make NO difference'
'How to find a desire to have a reasonably prestigious job (compared to the one I have now which I dare say will not last very long) when you have NONE'
'How to desire a first degree, (or a good second) when you don't feel that bothered about getting one or not'.
'How to want better pay when you have no hunger to earn more."
'How to have faith in the skills you are learning, when it all looks like pointless mental loops that always miss the mark no matter how skilled one becomes, as it is tied to thought, which is in itself very limited'.
'How to WANT to do something WELL, that can be sought out because it appeals to grandiose instincts in people' BLEH. (Unlike my current job which is not even remotely grandiose.)

This Is an exercise in patience and tolerance towards the limits of these activities, more than anything. And laziness.
Just because they are LIMITED, or SEEM limited compared to step 11 stuff, does NOT give me the excuse, to be HALF HEARTED and LACKLUSTRE about them.
I need to give a s**t, basically.
Apathy! Toward what I see as kind of pointless stuff. That isn't really pointless. People who can do this job well DO serve others in MEANINGFUL ways because they help them GET OUT OF THE S**T.
They sort out problems for people. Using intellectual bags of tricks.
So there IS a point.
So I need to learn how to do this WELL.
So that when someone REALLY NEEDS help with this, (which they WILL), that I am S**T HOT at solving it for them using this new skill!!

See? I might just be talking myself into it!
Perhaps if I become very good at it but choose to do lots of free work for disadvantaged types, instead of getting a well paid job, that might work.?
But I LIKE the well paid ones, because they tend to be REALLY NICE people. (well that's what I find) More satisfied, more mentally alert, more functioning humans overall. Difficult tasks are VERY character building, so people in more sought after jobs tend to have better life skills than those at the bottom. They function better in all sorts of ways. So that's why I like difficult things, and I LOVE!!!! Being around people who are BRILLIANT at what they do. Why? because they are going to ANY LENGTHS. And I find that BEAUTIFUL and MESMERISING to behold.
But yeah, when there is money and status involved, then it can also attract those that value those things highly. But it is my OPINION, that the REALLY good ones, go WAY beyond that. They do what they do out of LOVE of the activity, or as a meditative task of doing.

See? This is why I despair sometimes. Because I can so easily be disappointed. I find myself always drawn to the people who are REALLY ! GOOD at what they do. Which makes me think I will only be TRULY satisfied working in that environment if I am around those kinds of people.
But in order to qualify for that I will HAVE to get a FIRST and work REALLY HARD for the next nine weeks, next 3 years?
But if I'm honest, I respect ANYONE who does this stuff, because it is difficult, and therefore character building.

Aha!
Another way to trick my brain into not seeing the money, (and therefore getting put off by the grandiose, status thing) would be to IMAGINE I am a person WHO NEED NEVER WORK AGAIN, but who CHOOSES TO WORK, to BE OF SERVICE.

So work of this kind would be a sort of a climb down, really.
I would be 'lowering' the quality of my life by taking part in it.

I actually know of people who are in this position. Not personally. But they have VERY FULL lives. Kids, you name it. They have NO NEED to work. Not like you and I do anyway. But they CHOOSE to do a REALLY IMPORTANT and REALLY RATHER DIFFICULT and DEMANDING job, involving LOTS of contact with rather ORDINARY, and sometimes YUKKY people, in an UNGRANDIOSE environment, despite having experienced (what I would see as) PRIVILGED LIVES. Long hours. Demanding situations. DIFFICULT to qualify academically for.
Basically, money is NOT what it is about, for them. Nor position. Or status. Just service. Even though they are paid very well for doing what they do.

So?
See?
What's my excuse? I DON'T HAVE ONE.
See I ADMIRE people like that. So why can't I do the same?
There are LOADS of STINKY charity things I could do with my expertise if I wanted to. But ultimately ALL work is service. Whether it is performed in a grandiose environment or not.
I am just attached to being employed in a very UN grandiose environment, where ego is considered to be DEEPLY UNFASHIONABLE. (which it is really)
But I do not really fit in there.
My mind is languishing in that environment.
My only way of amusing myself while I perform repetitive tasks is to look for opportunities to be of service to others and have a laugh while I go about my work.
And even though it is not grandiose, ego IS there. Just in a different form. It does not take the form of intellectual superiority, or grandiosity, but in the form of some competitive male posturing, and trying to appear 'interesting' or funny, as opposed to dull.
Plus it is a job that cannot sustain profit with increasing overseas competition. So it will die a death at some point in the next ? 5 years. Probably. Or else be replaced with a MUCH ! lower paid version. Well probably. Like HALF what I earn now or something. Or NO job at all because it is all being done overseas. Gawd knows. It does not look promising.

So I should be making hay while the sun shines!
Basically.

See?
I need to APPRECIATE the LONG TERM VALUE of what I am learning AND THE MEANINGFUL OPPORTUNITIES TO BE OF SERVICE THAT IT CAN! AND WILL! PROVIDE.

Despite SOMETIMES being performed in an atmosphere of grandiosity, or intellectual superiority.
IF !!!! I am motivated to study hard enough to qualify, that is!!!

No excuses!
(Like in the film The Pursuit of Happyness)
I NEED what Will Smith HAD in that film!!!

Exactly!
Improving oneself and ones life is IMPORTANT. Whether I like it or not.
Because I dare say I will always be employed in some form or other, so it is in my interests to have other skills under my belt.
So!!
Anyway just thought I would share that with you as that is the stuff I am resolving in my head these days, and thinking it out loud so to speak helps me organize my thoughts.

Right. Whatever. Better get on with it instead of doing this!!!
Jeez. I KNEW that would take FOREVER to explain!
Right. off now!
See you in ? nine weeks ? Hahahaa

Music: Bliss: A Hundred Thousand Angels

Here's a sample of the Bliss: A Hundred Thousand Angels track.
You can hear a sample on iTunes as well.

This is a GREAT track.
You can buy it on iTunes for 79p!
Here's a website where you can buy the album for $1.08. Crikey! That's cheap..

GREAT 7 min summary by Ken Wilber of Step 11 goals

Ken Wilber REALLY knows his subject, and he is a useful model for the likes of us (un-ordained 'normies') in that he has chosen NOT to live a monastic life, thereby showing us 'normal folks' that it IS possible to develop a spiritually committed practice AND go to work, have relationships, and pay the bills etc. Yeah I know he's a bit unusual, but it still serves as a useful example that you don't HAVE to live in a monastery to have a SERIOUS practice.

Yeah I know what he's saying sounds a bit pretentious if you're not used to hearing this kind of stuff, but this is what you would be 'taught' on any good step 11 retreat. But there are not many teachers as competent or available as Mr Wilber.
What can I say? I like him. But that's just me.
Mind you, don't envy having to deal with all that ego cr*p that goes with being such a well known teacher. You need to work pretty had on not letting the ego get out of hand. Yuk! I find the ego really Unattractive.
Whatever.

But yeah. I posted this because he as managed to summarize the core teaching of any mindfulness training in less than 5 minutes.
(Well 7 mins and 48 seconds actually)
!!
Amazing.
And I think he is able to do it in such a way that doesn't make it sound like airy fairy sh*te, or long winded mumbo jumbo.
But hey, that's why he's one of the best teachers around.
I've hardly read any of his books. They seem a bit too technical for me. But I read 'Grace and Grit' about how his first love (wife) died of breast cancer really young. Amazing story. Great if you are struggling with being a a carer of some sort or are dealing with illness.

But yeah. This is the meat and potatoes of any mindfulness training. He describes it better than I can. Think of it as a 'postcard' from the shores of step 11, for those of you that have yet not paid a visit to a decent retreat centre.

Step 11 is SO cool. It is like the finishing touch to the jigsaw. You can do it anytime, but is MUCH more revealing once you 'clear the decks' with the help of the first 9 steps.

By the way if what he says seems FAR too complicated, Eckhart Tolle says the SAME thing in the power of now but makes it sound simpler. Just takes longer to explain, thats all!
Right off to the gym!!!!
Have a great Thursday!

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Click here to see the Happy New Year eCard
PUT THE SOUND ON AND ENJOY
Happy !! New Year!!

This is fun!
Mr (rather appropriately ! named) 'Wild' sent me this ecard, and I couldn't resist sending it to everybody.
Bless. So thank very much Mr (rather appropriately named) Wild!
Where DOES he find all his crazy email widgets ?and colourful bits ? and peices. His emails are pretty much rainbow coloured!!
Cool. Right well have fun with this funny ol thing..

if you want to send to someone, here is the address:
http://www.icq.com/img/friendship/static/card_16961_rs.swf

21 Today! (..Well 21yrs sober on the 1st of Jan)

Hey I ain't Cliffy, but I WILL have been sober for 21 !! years on the trot (a day at a time) on 1st of Jan 2008. In case these details are of interest to you)
Cool huh! Thank christ for bottled water and gym. That's all I can say!

But bless. I actually rather like Cliffy. He's an OK guy in my books.
Well I'm rather glad to have been without a drink or any other mind bending drug (illicit or prescribed) for all that time. It does you good, that's for sure.
I remember when I was new I used to think that was a really long time. I suppose it is. But when I was new it helped me a LOT to know that AA REALLY meant it when they said 'You need NEVER drink again', when they welcomed me into my home group all those years ago.
What I mean is, I took comfort from knowing that people COULD stay sober that long just by going to AA.
Amazing.

Not that it matters, but just in case you don't already know...

I have never been to rehab or psychiatric institutions. Just AA meetings.
I was REALLY mad. But AA worked for me. Mind you I found some pretty hard core big book recovery types in my home group. They had stories that would make your toes curl. And they had one it just using aa. Ah those were the days..

I have only ever done the steps (1-9) ONCE. With my sponsor from my old home group. Steps 10, 11, 12 are maintenence to keep one in 'FIT ! Spiritual condition'. (p84 i think)

I don't have a therapist. Nor do I envisage recruiting one at a later date.
I HAVE tried them in the past. The longest I had one was ? 2-3 years going once a week. I wasn't impressed. It was better than NOTHING. But I MUCH prefer, doing my 'own thing', meaning the kind of personal self awareness work that Eckhart Tolle describes in his book The power of now. I have no 'structure' as such, but I like to 'filter' whatever method I am using through (what I see as) the principles embodied in the basic text of AA. So I am kind of 'formless', but that sounds a bit naff. What I mean is I try not to be a slave to 'form', or structure basically.
BUT when it comes to taking people through the steps, I do NOT deviate from the method I was shown. Because it is the ONLY method I know WORKS. I only have EXPERIENCE of ONE method, so to deviate might ? Involve risking the other persons chances of long term sobriety. Who knows. Its just not worth the risk. So in THAT sense I am fairly repetitive.

I have not found it necessary to regularly attend any other 12 step fellowship in order to deal with or overcome other life problems. Coda, al anon etc etc. They are kind of nice to visit. Like once or twice. But I just use the AA 'vehicle' if you like.

I think the only time I have ever had mind bending drug in my system in the last 21 years is when I had a general anesthetic for 2 operations. Plus I think the injections dentists give you for root canal are 'mind altering' as such.
But I always ask for NON mind bending drugs for pain relief wherever possible.
NONE would be even better, but I am not up to the level of those people who have operations under hypnosis with NO general anesthetic at all!! I'm not sure I will EVER each that standard!

Nobody ever knows I am an 'old timer' unless I tell them how long I have been sober. Meaning sobriety has been VERY anti ageing. Thank GOD.

So yeah. AA 'works' basically.
That's what I'm trying to say.
Yeah I'm still a work in progress. Aren't we all?
Yes I still have mountains to climb. (usually mountains of text books for these essays that REFUSE to write themselves!)
But yeah, you know, there will ALWAYS be work do do.

I would say my main bit of work I am doing right now, is learning to have more FUN, and disidentify with 'victim-y' stories. Meaning not see my 'identity' as caught up in sad stories from the past. I've only just realized after listening to E Tolle audio books that there is STILL quite a significant identity caught up in the stories from the past. So that's what I am trying to drop at the moment. Its tricky, because you ending up building another identity, which I am trying to avoid. I don't want a NEW identity, I am trying to have NO 'idea' of who I am, and just BE. Easier said than done! But hey, the only instant thing in AA is the coffee! (But if you REALLY kept in in the day, you would not think of yourself as a product of a PAST, you would be TRULY in the day. In the HOUR, and the past would be something else ENTIRELY. So you see, it IS an AA principle after all that inspires this new goal...
See? The work is never done! It just changes. That's all.
Right I'm off you guys. Those essays need doing!

The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off: Jonny Kennedy

Here are the Utube links to the documentary in all 5 parts.
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 1 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 2 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 3 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 4 of 5
The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy) Part 5 of 5

I really LOVE this guy.
To me he is ? 'special', whatever that means.
I am AMAZED by his capacity to deal with such a series of situations with such good grace. In such an ? 'ordinary' (meaning ego-less I suppose) way.
It is beyond my understanding how one might accomplish that.Well I DO understand. But its like doing weight training, and then seeing another person lift MUCH MUCH more weight than you could EVER manage even with a heavy training programme. I just look at that kind of example and go ..w o w. It makes me speechless really.
I love this guy. He is an AMAAZING example.
I LOVE people like this.
Whatever. Anyway. I think this documentary won LOADS of awards. Quite rightly. Its been put together really well.
Hope you like.
Have tissues ready for the end! You will need them!
But its weepy in a GOOD way. So don't let that put you off.

If you have a resentment you want to be free of..

"If you have a resentment you want to be free of, if you will pray for the person or the thing that you resent, you will be free. If you will ask in prayer for everything you want for yourself to be given to them, you will be free. Ask for their health, their prosperity, their happiness, and you will be free. Even when you don't really want it for them, and your prayers are only words and you don't mean it, go ahead and do it anyway. Do it every day for two weeks and you will find you have come to mean it and to want it for them, and you will realize that where you used to feel bitterness and resentment and hatred, you now feel compassionate understanding and love."

p552 Big Book from the Story called 'freedom from bondage' p544
This method is PURE MAGIC by the way! SERIOUSLY cool!
But you have to do EXACTLY what it says. No deviations, no wooly interpretations. EXACTLY what it says. (To get the full effect anyway.)
(By the way, I use the term "Pray for the Bastard' to refer to this practice.)

Written by a young woman of course. Cool!
Bless her. I identify with her!
"The mental twists that led up to my drinking began many years before I ever took a drink for I am one of those whose history proves conclusively that my drinking was a "symptom of a deeper trouble".
Through my efforts to get down to "causes and conditions", I stand convinced that my emotional illness has been present from my earliest recollection. I never did react normally to any emotional situation."
p544 Big Book

Amen!
Yeah been there, done that, got the T shirt!

I am CONVINCED (although obviously I could never prove this) that the ONLY people who take this programme SERIOUSLY. And I mean !! SERIOUSLY !!!!
Are those that have had FULL ON, no pansying around, PROPER !! P.A.I.N.

None of your 'half measure' low self esteem stuff.
PROPER A.G.O.N.Y.
Heheh
Well what do I know? But that's how its seems to me. Whatever.
I just think you have to be pretty !!! desperate to do the stuff AA suggests. That's all. I have always tended to draw the conclusion that the people who do the most work, are the people with the saddest stories.

"My joy is like Spring, so warm it makes flowers bloom all over the Earth. My pain is like a river of tears, so vast it fills the four oceans."
Call Me By My True Names by Thich Nhat Hanh
(So yes you can feel BOTH at the same time. Weird but true!)

Frinstance. I LOVE !!!! The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off (Jonny Kennedy)
But that's another post.
TRUST ME.
That guy had a TERRIBLE time of it. But he's AMAZING.
Whatever. That's another post.

New Lady Blogger!: Ann at Soberville

Go say Hi to Ann at Soberville who is 8!! days sober now . (Bless her little cottons)
Thank you Kathy at Gospodi Pomiluj for pointing her out for me!

It's the SAD (victim-y) STORY that causes the suffering, NOT the feeling on its own

Eckhart Tolle says its the STORY (meaning self pity theme) that makes it sad. not the feeling on its own. But learning to let the story 'rabbit on' in the background WITHOUT BUYING INTO IT is the ! hard part. Step 4 helps a LOT in spotting self pity though, it has to be said..

If you stay in your HEAD you get PAIN. If you stay in your BODY away ! from the HEAD, the suffering is gone. it is just a feeling. a sensation. not a 'drama', self pity or victim story.

Whatever. as you can tell it take a little bit of practice to get right. But hey why not. Rome wasn't built in a day.
It is a cool balancing act. Its like learning to be a ballerina. Except all the balance is INSIDE.
You wouldn't slag off a girl who has JUST STARTED ballet class because she topples ! slightly when she tries to balance on tippy toes would you?
Well then! stop being hard on yourself for not being able to balance very well INTERNALLY then!
It takes TIME and effort. plus its quite a refined skill to be honest!

BTW, This approach regarding the STORY being the source of the pain, is exactly the same as the 'Neither repression nor indulgence" mantra I have mentioned before. So what he is saying is nothing new really.
Mental proliferation (inventing a 'victim' STORY to go with the emotion) is just another way of getting into indulgence (too much emotion, it multiplies, runs away wit itself and turns into suffering)
But I think I actually PREFER the way E Tolle describes it.
Whatever.
Have a nice day back at work tomorrow!

An exercise in Acceptance: Try telling yourself THIS next time you are experiencing pain, overwhelm, weepyness

Christmas Day Service in St Pauls Cathedral, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

Or what Eckhart Tolle calls the 'Pain body'. Whatever. The label is not that important.
This is from his book The New Earth. I think it is pretty cool. It is a conversation he had with a client who as experiencing a LOT of pain and could not 'process' it. 'Release' it. Whatever you like to ? call it.
This is what he said:

"At this moment this is what you feel.

There's nothing you can do about the fact that at this moment, THIS is what you feel.

Now. Instead of wanting this moment to be different from the way it is.

Which adds more pain to the pain that is already there.

Is it possible for you to completely accept, that this is, what you feel right now?

(if there is a rebellious respons of No! I don't want to accept this!)
Who is speaking?
You, or the unhappiness in you?

Can you see that your unhappiness about being unhappy is just another layer of unhappiness?

I'm not asking you to DO anything, all I'm asking is that you find out if it is possible for you to allow those feelings to be there.

In other words. And this may sound strange.
If you don't MIND being unhappy. What happens to the unhappiness?

Don't you want to find out?"

She said. After a few minutes...
"This is weird.
I am still unhappy.
But now there is 'space' around it. It seems to matter less."

By the way. My other 'fave' for 'weepy overwhelm is the Taoist Arch. I have a post about it called Weepy? Overwhelmed? Try the Taoist arch!

Its SUPER cool. Bu that's just my opinion..
I ALWAYS tell new weepy people it to help them cope with dodgy moments during the beginning bit of recovery.

Christmas Day Service in St Pauls Cathedral

Christmas Day Service in St Pauls Cathedral, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

St Pauls is !! stunning. the current building was built between 1675 and 1710 after its predecessor was destroyed in the Great Fire of London but there has been a cathedral on that site since !!! 604AD.
You can FEEL the history emanating from the pores of the stone. it is magical, and breathtakingly beautiful.

Just thought I would post this because it looks SO lovely!
The music was ? utterly ? magical. The choir I mean. AMAZING.
I STRONGLY recommend going to a service here where you hear the choir sing as it has a really ? weird but really ! cool quality to it which is impossible to put into words. Its magical. Thats the only word I can think of that comes close to describing it. It sounds like ? angels, not people.

Merry Christmas!

Tree in Patonaster Square after midnight mass at St Pauls Cathedral, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

A BAD workman blames his tools: Use WHATEVER you are doing as an opportunity to be egoless and present in a life of service

I was thinking about edge from u2 this morning and an interview I heard him do. I really like the way he is sort of EMBARRASED by being a lead guitarist because he sees it as being a bit naff (which very often it can be.) But that's just my opinion. ie. This interview says 'Bono added that Edge is always embarrassed about being a guitar player'
Anyway. I like this because right now my pull between study and aa 'spiritual stuff' is perceived as a 'conflict' because I see the study as a pointless intellectual exercise. Which in its truest sense it IS. But despite that, I think edge was (is) a GREAT guitarist BECAUSE he has so much ? loathing of the 'traditional' egoic role of lead guitarist.
I'm not saying he's got the answers as such, or that he is the perfect example of egoless-ness. I just find his example a useful model for me right now, as it allows me to see the 'good works' that can arise when an egoless state of presence is brought to ANY task. Even a task which is traditionally VERY ego massaging.
It shows the 'good' that can come from something that looks completely pointless and superficial. (You can tell at this point that I will never be volunteering for the next x factor, or for a life in entertainment!)
Whatever. That's just me.
Basically what I'm saying is that when you say, being a guitarist/highly paid professional /brilliant academic/top judge is a pile of sh*te that can NEVER lead to enlightenment. Well that's just BULS*IT.
ANY role can be used in the service of 'waking up'. Any one who blames their ROLE for their unconsciousness is talking out of their A*RSE. Its a COP OUT.

It IS possible for the role of grade A academic to be used as a vehicle for waking up. ANY role can be used.
If I find (what seems to me to be) the pointless to-ing and fro-ing of purely intellectual argument lacking. That is MY problem.

A BAD WORKMAN BLAMES HIS TOOLS.
Edge managed to do it, and I have always liked the results of his labour. I have benefited from it in a significant way, as I find music deeply healing in some ways.
So who am I to pooh-pooh what appears to me POINTLESS academia, which (on a superficial level) CANNOT serve the soul (as such) but leans very much towards the MIND rather than AWARENESS. WHICH IS WHAT I WANT.

I just need a little more faith that although the role of academic SUCKS for me because I feel pulled back into the thinking mind time and time again, instead of a sense of BEING and PRESENCE that I encounter when I use AA as a vehicle to serve something bigger than myself, that there IS a THIRD WAY. And Edge is proof of that. It IS possible to find a egoless presence in an outwardly ego massaging activity.
Basically I miss my 'service fix' when I am pulled into academic thought. But thankfully I have enough presence of mind to know that this is BULLSH*T, and that I CAN do this task from a slightly odd (!) mental place, just like I do when I do my aa stuff.
Basically I am out of my comfort zone, and I am sick and tired of doing academic stuff the 'old' way. I want to do it the SCARY aa way. Where I FEEL my way instead of THINKING my way.
Whatever. I'm sure I will get the hang of this eventually!!!
Hey I have 2 submissions to make by the 8th, so my Christmas will be spent close to books and academic stuff. SCARY SCARY.
Ah well. It can all be used as a way of waking up. That's the main thing.
Plus its a high class problem. Yeah! But (as you can probably tell) I get VERY frustrated when I havent figured out how to do something yet. I want it NOW. Hehheh.

Right yous guys. Have yourselves a GRAND old time, and if you feel a bit 'sucky'. TURN YOUR THOUGHTS TO THOSE YOU CAN HELP.
Hey, works for me! ..Mind you I just put Mr Ekhart Tollle on my ipod when I'm having a scary study moment. Which is too often for my liking! But who wants a life hiding under the duvet? Not me! Scaring myself is the inevitable consequence of stepping out of my comfort zone, and I am FINE with that. (!!) Bring it on!
So have a good time you guys! Much love to you.

The background ? 'hum' gets louder and more noticeable the more you observe the chaos without getting entangled in it

By the way, when I use the word chaos. I don't mean that as a 'bad' thing. A better term would be 'the full catastrophe' (as Kabbat Zinn says.)

Ive been listening a LOT to Mr Echart Tolle, (From the power of now audio books) and here's something I replied to another bloggers response to chaos in relatively early sobriety. I'm still I the process of dovetailing the two ideologies, but this shows what I make of it so far. Anyway hope you are all having a relatively stress free pre holiday time. I'm doing as little as I possibly can, and trying to say no as much as I can. Whatever. Here's what I wrote. Have a good Saturday!

The ego thrashes around like CRAZY when we are caught in a corner. the ego does NOT want to 'die' to what 'is'. Thank god the ego is not YOU. Whatever YOU are is FAR more interesting than the little old ego.

The 'actor running the show' is indeed the ego. or mind. False self. ..whatever you like to call it. but yeah, if you just observe the thrashing around long enough, the 'fight' dies down, and the ego lays there resting for a bit. Until next time anyway!

Are you beginning to sense the ? 'background' ? "calm' amidst all this exterior chaos? THATS where you are heading. THATS where the really cool stuff is. That's why you are sober and you don't want to use. THAT'S where the miracle is. Its the quiet hummm of peace behind all that clatter going on outside. The humm gets louder and more noticeable the more you observe the chaos without getting entangled in it. Some people call it being self aware. Other people call it enlightenment. Gawd knows what it is. But whatever it is, it is VERY cool.

(Mind you you only GET that stuff from doing all the suggestions. Faith without works is dead as they say. ..Just in case there are some new people who think they can leave stuff out based on what I just said!)

GREAT relationship advice in Chapter 8 of the Power of Now

Just thought I'd share that.
MUCH better than your average therapy-speak, self help stuff. (In my opinion anyway.)

Goes much further than logic alone. So to speak. Its pretty !! difficult to explain adequately, so probably easier to read it yourself.

His approach seems to be an extended essay on acceptance and surrender to whatever is happening RIGHT NOW. Perfect!
It really reveals the extremely (!!!) high wisdom of the serenity prayer. (when used to good effect.) But its a VERY SKILLFUL interpretation of what the serenity prayer means.
Right I'd better be off you guys!

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
(Oh yeah and you can get all these things straight from the iTunes store as well in case you don't already know.)

"From Park Lane to Park Bench" Alcohol affects human beings the same regardless of social position.

Bush Warns Teens of Dangers of Alcohol in the Guardian

In case you didn't see, I thought I would mention the news feature about George bush talking about how he used to drink too much. Not that it matters. But I thought you might find it marginally interesting.
All human beings are pretty much the same. And just like Cancer is no respecter of social status. Neither is the compulsive nature of addiction to alcohol.
Don't assume that I am endorsing his approach or the actions he has taken. I am not. I'm just saying this disease affects everyone the same. That's all
Meaning don't think your intelligence, or abilities will prevent you from experiencing the devastating vulnerability this illness presents you with. That's all.

My 'reminder' question today is Where is the Beauty?

"When you stop seeing beauty, you start growing old"
U2. Summer Rain.

To remind myself to notice the beauty around me, this is the question I am asking myself as I go through the day today. It takes me back in the moment when my thoughts are running away with me, and makes me realize where I DO find beauty. Which is not quite where I think I will find it. It's always the little things.
Why? Because if I don't I will drive myself MAD projecting into the future with lots of scary essay deadlines and piles of books to read, understand, and commit to memory. Notes to write and rewrite. VERY scary. So noticing the beauty is a way to quiet the mind and get back to a ? 'viable' working mind state. Ah there is NO escape from the programme.. When you try to go get yourself a LIFE, you end up thrown back onto the basics, in order to make good the new life you are persuing. Oh well.
Whatever. I like the question as there is beauty EVERYWHERE if I look for it.

Right well I'm off to plough through the new pile of books (that cost me £140) Ouch! ANOTHER small pile of stuff to read...(!!!)
Jeez, how does anybody DO this stuff???
Kudos to all you guys who have done this stuff before! My hat is off to you!

Have a good Wednesday everyone!

The meaning of Pride (manifesting as Judgment) as learned in Step 4 and 5

Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? by John Powell

I think this book explains what Sponsees (hopefully) come to understand as being 'Pride' - manifesting as 'Judgment' in step 5. This book really encapsulates the pointlessness of making ANYTHING 'good' or 'bad'.
It is essentially an essay on how reality is in fact NEUTRAL, yet we ascribe value to it either in the form or 'good' or 'bad'. This creates problems with the self, as we 'decide' some bits of us are 'good' and others 'bad', and EDIT our expression of yourself to EXCLUDE the parts we fear we will be JUDGED for...Not realizing that the very act of doing this *ucks us up and destroys any sense of authenticity and integrity. A loss or drop in honesty ALWAYS results in a diminishing and lowering of the personal state. Basically 'we are as sick as our secrets'. (By the way this does NOT mean that a 'free for all' approach to honesty is any good either!)
What's the solution? A COMMITMENT TO TELL THE UNFLATTERING EGO PUNCTURING TRUTH EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Hahhaah
Yeah! Easy huh? (..erm.. no!)
Well its not as bad as it seems. Thank GOD AA prepares us for this by the 'induction' of step 4 and 5. The idea is, is that that teaches us the GOOD things that come to pass when we learn to made ego puncturing admissions a way of life.
Oh well.
Anyway I just found this book the other day, and realize that it contains a lot of the principles I learned by going to retreats and doing step 11 stuff. It espouses 'Neither repression nor indulgence' (as the monks use to say), but kind goes on a bit so you know exactly what that sentence means. Its a book about ACCEPTANCE of the MYRIAD of internal landscapes us human beings get to experience on a daily basis! So if you have not yet grasped that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD BUT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW YOU DEAL WITH IT, then this might be a good book for you to read. Its very short. I prefer thing to be expressed in more esoteric terms than therapeutic terms ,buts that's my personal preference. I find this book a little limiting, but a VERY good starting point for those who are ENSLAVED by a belief that they are 'bad, or what they think and feel are 'bad'.
No such thing my friend! Us humans ALL have weird s**t floating around in our brain space from time to time! Its no big deal! Trust me!
Right now I REALLY am off..

TONS of Eckhart Tolle on Utube. If you are interested..

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
(Oh yeah and you can get all these things straight from the iTunes store as well in case you don't already know.)

I have just discovered that there are LOADS of talks on Utube by Eckhart Tolle, so it's a FREE way of finding out what he teaches. Here is a little talk on being ordinary, as opposed to being 'special and different'. (as us AA's like to call it..)
I LOVE !!!!! 'Ordinariness'. For want of a better word. Its SO refreshing! And uncommon.
Watching him speak and his use of gestures and expressions is very interesting as I often resort to posture and expression as a way of communicating a mind state that it is VERY difficult to explain WELL by words alone.

In this clip he also pretends to be someone who is 'stuck in their head' as I like to call it. Which he calls somebody who has a lot of 'mental noise' going on.

He then goes on to 'show' how acceptance to things, such as mental noise or unhappiness COMPLETELY CHANGES the way that 'thing' is being experienced. That's what acceptance is. But he makes it quite understandable. He relates acceptance to surrender. All words we AA's are familiar with.
I must say I do like this guy. I LOVE it when people aren't too serious. I think people who are not monks and nuns can afford to be a little bit 'looser' in the way they communicate. Meaning they do not need to be on their 'best behavior' all the time.
Right gotta go! LOVELY sun over this way today!

VERY Highly Recommended. Eckhart Tolle Audio books. 'Power of Now' and 'New Earth'

The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle Audiobook
(Oh yeah and you can get all these things straight from the iTunes store as well in case you don't already know.)

An alcoholic with a more advanced appreciation than myself, of the function of Step 11, gave me a copy of the above titles the other day, and I must say it's good stuff! Thanks J!
Here is a list of the audio books by Eckhart Tolle on Amazon for your reference. In case you are interested..

I have this on ongoing repeat play on itunes in the kitchen, (makes a nice change from lectures..) and on shuffle on my ipod player in the bedroom. (all night when I sleep) When I'm roaming about I'm plugged into my ipod, so basically I'm listening to this LOADS.
I leave stuff on all the time in the background. Don't know why. I just do. (Hmm.. Avoiding study perhaps? ..Heheh)
TV is for wimps! Heheh. Well see I don't really watch TV and I only put low speech radio on to provide low background noise. Music is for running, gym and cleaning up, and staying awake when I VERY tired.
Books are COOL. I am not very !!! Good at reading, but I am better at listening. Books tend to get neglected. But I cant ignore stuff that is playing.
I really like it. Its filled in gaps and put together bits I did not see were connected.
I can see that it might seem confusing for someone that is still very caught up in their ? illness before step 9. As really a much more pragmatic approach is needed until the psyche stabilizes after step 9.

Having said that, if it doesn't freak you out or confuse you, I think it is FINE to listen to this type of stuff whenever really. Only YOU will know if this is 'doing your head in' or not. If it is, then shelve it till after step 9. If not, just give it a listen but PUT NO PRESSURE ON YOURSELF TO GRASP THE WHOLE NINE YARDS for the time being. Just listen to it 'lightly'. Don't get anxious about the bits that don't make sense, just take the bits that make sense and don't worry about the rest. Oh yeah and don't do something DRASTIC based on something you heard without checking with another human being first!! You know. Basic common sense stuff really.

When I listen to stuff like this, I have no conflict whatsoever between this and AA ? doctrine. Its all one thing. This is a exposition of step 11 and a guide to 'practicing these principles in all or affairs'. That's all. How to be more honest. How to do GOOD step 10's and see though your own BS. Through to what is REALLY important. The bit behind all the pointless ego battles.
He talks a lot about the BS of the ego. I see this is a more detailed description of what AA describes as self centeredness (self obsession/ ego) and the drama we constantly act out as 'the actor running the show'. The thing that creates suffering.
Only yeah, he frames that argument within a ? Existential view of the world in a non dual way. Meaning its all one thing. Whatever. I think its good. There's no point in me trying to explain it really. I just tried so that you might get a rough idea what its about and why I like it.
But its good s**t! Trust me!

Also it is FULL of GREAT advice on relationships, how to get stuff done, and ! all sorts! Cool!
Don't think that this kind of stuff means AA is c*ap or a 'second class' version of spirituality. It is not. AA is very VERY cool, WHEN USED TO GOOD EFFECT. I don't see it as 'second class',in the SLIGHTEST. I just like this more detailed explanation as a way to add a depth of understanding to the largely EXPERIENTIAL lessons AA has taught me. So there you go. (Just in case you thought I was dismissing the AA spirituality...)

Right well I'm off. Have a great Tuesday!
I have to do some study now! Yipes!

When (still drinking) friends or partners think we are not so much ? 'FUN' as we used to be..

"The people that matter don’t mind, and the people that mind, don’t matter"

Hmm sometimes, others (usually the ones still drinking) view our new found perspective as being a bit ? Gloomy. A bit serious. A bit .. Well not as much 'FUN' as we used to be. What then?

If a guy were to complain about us (women) not being 'our old selves' (meaning ? jolly or upbeat) this is how I would interpret a request to 'snap out of it' and 'put it behind you' etc etc.
By making such a request what he is saying is "it disturbs me now that you are more emotional than you used to be, this frightens me and I would prefer you to have emotions that more closely resemble mine"

Being anesthetized makes a HUGE!!!! difference to the way you feel things. Simple repression is NOT a viable route for you now. You require different directions. You need to learn how to navigate THROUGH the forest. NOT around it. It is the path of the spiritual warrior so to speak. Not for nancys!
If your other half stopped drinking altogether too, he might also feel things (!) differently.

Part of it is also coming to terms with the way men and women are emotionally different. John grey has some good advice in Mars Venus books.
But you cant just 'banish' stuff. You have to learn to live with the tide of UNANESTHETISED emotion, with some GRACE and HUMOUR.
That's all you can do really.
Plus you need to be STRONG enough to do the right thing when you feel overwhelmed or overpowered by unpleasant emotion. You know, usual stuff. Call people, reach out to a newcomer, meetings, fellowship. All that stuff.

But don't worry, It will be FINE. There IS a 'middle way', even is your (still drinking) other half is unlikely to ever REALLY understand what it is like for you to adopt it.
Yes you WILL learn how to be 'Sober NOT Somber', but it ma not happen overnight. Rome wasn't built in a day, so give yourself some time to figure out this new skill. It IS possible. Even if you can't do it RIGHT NOW.

Practicing 24hr service need not mean a massive restructuring of your day (Or life)

Well faith without works is dead, so I see a spiritual life as one as orientated toward the benefit of as many others as poss.

At first glance it is easy to assume that that must mean 24hr hospice work or something. But what I have found is that EVERYTHING (eating, gym, answering the phone etc) can be done with either a SELF OBSESSED agenda (motive), or a CONSIDERATION OF OTHERS welfare. (motive). meaning it is an ATTITUDE more than an action.

But having said that, when I have some spare time I DO try to use that for the benefit of others. But I also see being well and happy as a GREAT form of service, as it helps ALL those you come into contact with.

Think HONESTLY about who has helped you MOST.
What did they do?
Well that's a good idea of what REALLY helps people as opposed to how you THINK they ought to be helped.

I find it is kindness and love that helps me most. so that's what i try to offer others. Think of a 'life of service' more as a perspective, or 'view' that encompasses the welfare of others that you meet, rather than HAIR SHIRT idea of self denial and martyrdom. Because that doesn't help anyone. the happier YOU are, the more you can help others.

Don't worry about it. Just try to help a few newcomers and see what happens. You don't have to fix them. Just TRY and be helpful. Point them in the right direction and ell them the REALLY SIMPLE stuff that you take for granted, that they have never heard before. 'Its the FIRST drink that does the damage' and so forth. Might not seem like much to you, but information like that can make the difference between success and failure for those people. You'd be surprised!

Anyway better go. Just try to think of what you can do for the newest people in the groups you go to. Remind them of the baby talk. Tell them to get phone no's. Take theirs and try calling them briefly the next day just to say hello and ask what meeting they are going to later. Nothing special. But you would be surprised how good it makes you feel.
Self obsession on the other hand, is always a bit of a (!!) downer!

'Lost' in Uncharted Territory: I have no compass. And I have no map. Uncertainty can be a guiding light.

Growing up in just about any way at all means journeys out of your comfort zone are UNAVOIDABLE.
Welcome to UNCHARTED TERRITORY.
Even though this new stuff is GOOD, it can STILL feel VERY scary when embarked upon, and uncertain. Terrifying, as a matter of fact. For some anyhow.

After a lifetime of drama and fear, and survival skills, feeling comfortable can feel like something is missing.
Not feeling constantly preoccupied can feel like something is 'wrong'.
Also when really SERIOUSLY reevaluating long held beliefs WITH ALL SINCERITY, it can completely 'Rock your World'. Realizations can be VERY far from comfortable. People think insights will be 'comforting', or 'cozy'. Not so. Some can be terrifying. They challenge EVERYTHING. It can seem like there is NOTHING to hold onto. Sometimes, because, for the time being anyhow, there ISN'T. (..Oh ye of little faith.)

So I'm just saying. Feeling 'lost' or without any reference to hold on to, is not comfortable as such, but I see it as being very healthy. Meaning you are in a process of reevaluation.
BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, you need to use a little common sense with this. Do this in moderation. Don't go 'full tilt' if you can't hack it. If its all getting a bit much, go do something very simple and reassuring, like go to a meeting and coffee after. Have a nap or go see a nice movie. You know, unchallenging stuff. Gym. Whatever.

For a LOT of us, the UNKNOWN and UNCHARTED world is the world of 'Happy joyous and free'.
The world of 'comfortable in my own skin'.
The world of 'There are no 'Big Deals'.
The world of TRUST.
The world of 'I feel safe'.
The world of 'I feel looked after'.

Not everybody. But a LOT. Especially those with abusive pasts.
Or those who live in TERROR of rejection.
Or those with CHRONIC DEPENDENDENCE upon external validation in the form of a relationship. (Most women seem to think their lives are a travesty of inconsequence if they are not in the role of wife/girlfriend) Jeez. Almost as mad as when a guy thinks he is a complete waste of space unless he is a ? 'sufficient' ? Breadwinner.
We are all as bad as each other really. We are ALL riddled with crazy irrationalities. What separates the men from the boys, is not whether we HAVE them, its to what extent we allow our lives to be DOMINATED by them. That all. So don't go thinking you are some kind of freak loser because you have spotted an irrationality. Welcome to the human condition!! It is CHOCK full of paradoxes and contradictions. Sure beats a Rubik cube any day for its brain teasing capacities!

Like Bono says in Zooropa
And I have no compass.
And I have no map.
And I have no reasons.
No reasons to get back.

And I have no religion.
And I don't know what's what.
And I don't know the limit.
The limit of what we've got.

Don't worry baby. It'll be alright.
You got the right shoes.
To get you through the night.
It's cold outside. But brightly lit.
Skip the subway.
Let's go to the overground.
Get your head out of the mud baby.
Put flowers in the mud baby.
Overground.

No particular place names.
No particular song.
I've been hiding.
What am I hiding from?

Don't worry baby. It's gonna be alright.
Uncertainty can be a guiding light.
I hear voices. Ridiculous voices.
In the slipstream.
Let's go. Let's go overground.
Take your head out of the mud baby.

She's gonna dream up the world she wants to live in.
She's gonna dream out loud.

Bed Bug Infestation: Don't sit down on trains Between Aldgate East and Stratford

And other East End trains in that vicinity. Why? Because you are at risk of picking up a bed bug off the seat.
The bugs are about the size of an apple pip.
And the amount of infestation I London has shot up, but is much higher in those areas than other parts of London.
Getting rid of them is a total pain in the a*se. You have to chuck out mattresses, bedding etc. Its expensive!

Anyway. Just thought I'd share that with you!
I heard a pesticide guy who deals a LOT with bedbugs on LBC Radio recently saying he would NOT risk sitting on a London transport seat between those two stations. Plus loads of horror stories about the piles of bedbugs he has come across along the way..
Lovely!
On that cheery ! note! I will bid you all a deliriously happy Monday while I head of to (yes you've guessed it) the gym. Then Study!!

Oh and by the way I LOVE !!! this new gadget. (Super Trackstick GPS Tracking System) Pointless for someone like me as I am not scaling some obscure mountain at great personal risk, but I just LOVE Google earth, and quite like the idea of looking at a PROPER map and seeing a little journey trail of all the little places I go to. Pointless but FUN. Whatever..
I am VERY tempted to get one. We shall see.. I have a bunch of other stuff to sort out. So I'l do that first.
See y'all..

New regular Friday meeting

I am going to start going regularly to a Friday meeting in town, as I cant make the Thursday one during term times. So if you want to find me, that's where I'll be. There is coffee after as there is a ton of places nearby. If you're not sure which one I mean email me and I'll send you the address. Ms J's Sponsee, (Ms V) already goes there.
Yeah and I MIGHT be able to make Ms L's Sponsee (Ms C's) Saturday one too, but I dont think I can make that one a regular. We shall see.

Back to sorting out my new computer stuff... !

Hidden Motives: When Genuine DESPAIR is also a form of ATTACK

I just LOVE this book. They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life by Oliver James
Us ladies are VERY good at being ANGRY in more 'covert' ways. We don't want to be seen throwing punches, or yelling at people in the street, so we employ SNEAKY ways of expressing HOSTILTY.
We are SO good, we don't even know OURSELVES that we are being angry after a while..
(Yeah I know some women are more dis-inhibited with 'out-and-out' anger, but this is for the ones that sneak anger in the back door. So to speak.)
Anyway here's the quote:

"Our despair is GENUINE
But is is ALSO a means of expressing HOSTILITY
A COVERT way of FRUSTRATING and RETALIATING.

ANGERED by the failure of others TO NUTURE US

We use MOODS and threats, to 'GET BACK' and ''teach a lesson'
By exaggerating our plight, and acting in a miserable fashion
We AVIOD RESPONSIBILITIES
And place ADDED BURDENS on others.
Cold and stubborn silences are PUNITIVE BLACKMAIL, a THREAT of trouble to come."
P206 They F*** you up by Oliver James.

Ouch!
I kind of knew moods were a way of being angry, but I think he has captured this trait REALLY well in this passage.
Particularly the despair and the nurture part.
I tend to view despair as something that hurts the owner more than anything. And if I am experiencing despair, I am too self absorbed to see the impact it is having on others. Even if the mood is not 'acted out' as such.
I LOVE this passage. Good old Oliver. Perhaps men have a better view of the way us women are covertly angry. Who knows. But I LOVE this observation.
I just LOVE finding hidden anger and attack.
See I don't do the more obvious moods or sulks as such. Nothing that you would notice externally anyway. I'm from the more repressed end of the spectrum. But I hadn't seen the way the feeling of despair could have a sneaky more unconscious agenda to punish, that's all.
Yeah I know some women do very OVERT moods and sulks. Door slamming. Plate throwing. Obvious tantrums and what have you. Those are EASY to spot. It is the SUBTLE stuff that sneaks in under the radar that bugs me. So there you go.

So just for the sake of clarity. If we were all really good at EGO PUNCTURING HONESTY.
Instead of 'doing' despair in this way.
We could say:
"Yes right now, it WOULD be true to say I am feeling some despair.
But in addition to that, I can see there is (quite a strong) temptation to use that mood as a way of punishing you. Classic GUILT TRIP material really..
You see the truth is, that I AM angered by (what **I** see) as your FAILURE to NUTURE me.
But rather than say that OUT LOUD, (because lets face it, it sounds a bit naff and petulant.)
Its 'easier' (Ha!..NOT!) to flail about, feeling sorry for myself, and wallow in a sense of hopelessness, (because I KNOW that will make you feel BAD) rather than deal with this problem face on. Or GOD FORBID
ACTUALLY HAVE THE GUTS TO ASK FOR THE THING (whatever it is) THAT I THINK (?) I NEED RIGHT NOW, that you APPEAR to not be giving me.
You know WHY I don't ask?

Well firstly, because I probably don't even know MYSELF what it is!!.
Why? Because I am FAR better at thinking about what I DON'T want instead of what I DO want.
When I'm in one of these moods, I'm more interested in PUNISHING you, than ACTUALLY SORTING OUT MY PROBLEM.

And secondly, because I HATE thinking of myself as NEEDY. Which is what I essentially AM, when I'm in one of these moods. Its quite a VULNERABLE place, and I don't like being VULNERABLE and EXPOSED like this. Its too ego puncturing!

Thirdly. Actually SEEING what I DO require to feel 'nurtured' is VERY, VERY ego puncturing. It makes me see my own HUMANITY. And I don't want to be human.
I want to be INVULNERABLE!
To rise above everything!
To feel FINE all the time! (ie not FEEL vulnerable EVER again.)
And even WORSE. Let YOU see me being VULNERABLE. Ouch!
These messy, squishy emotions are EMBARRASING to my ego, and reduce me (in my UNFORGIVING eyes) to the level of a pathetic blob. Basically I HATE admitting my weaknesses and BASIC HUMANITY. Even to myself. Yeah the alcoholic ego does NOT like that ONE BIT!

So that's why I throw a mood. And do the 'despair' trip.
Keeps me in the PROBLEM, not the SOLUTION.
Which I can see is not really ! helping. To say the least.
So yeah, there is some genuine despair going on, and I'm not ashamed of that.
But this time I am NOT going to use it as a CLUB to BEAT you over the head with. (Which you will be glad to hear!).
I will EVEN, go so far, as to actually sit down and think about EXACTLY what version of 'nurturing' I had the GALL to harbor an EXPECTATION of receiving.
And once I have FIGURED OUT WHAT IT IS,
I might very well POLITIELY ASK YOU for that thing.
ONLY THIS TIME, I will NOT harbor a GRUDGE or an EXPECTATION that you are BOUND to oblige me in this request.
Hey I am not running the show here.
I am not the 'manager'.
This is a two way street, and I can ask, but that DOESN'T guarantee that I will 'get'.
But at LEAST I will have the GUTS to ask.
Instead of simply ALLOWING the "All is lost' and 'What's the point?' THINKING, and the feelings of despair and overwhelm that INEVITABLY accompany that.
Even if ASPECTS of those despairing feelings are genuine.

Heheh.
Im not saying you SHOULD say this, but I just thought it would be fun to articulate a more ego puncturing admission of what is going on, behind the scenes, so to speak, that Oliver James describes in that passage.
I like YANKING the dodgy thought processes into the light, for scrutiny.
The 'cure' for everything is HONESTY. Well that's what I think, so a bit of brutal truth-telling seems to pave the way for change. Well that's what I find. The truth seems to make the disease shrink back into the cracks in the ether from whence it came. Seems to banish shadows. Honesty is like a flashlight. I call it 'cleaning under the cooker'. Bleh!! No one LIKES cleaning under the cooker! Have you SEEN what's under there? Its GROSS!
But if you do get stuck in and face the ! Yukky ! Stuff down there, a burden is lifted, and we feel better.

Phew! Why cant I write SHORTER posts??
See then I wouldn't have so many half finished ones!!
Hey have a FABULOUS Thursday y'all..

Sexually transmitted CANCER

Yeah the HPV VIRUS responsible for cervical CANCER is INFECTIOUS.
EVEN WHEN YOU USE A CONDOM.
Scary huh?
What Are the Risk Factors for Cervical Cancer? By the American Cancer Society
"Recent studies show that condoms ("rubbers"), while they do provide some protection, do not completely protect against HPV. This is because HPV can be passed from person to person by skin-to-skin contact with ANY HPV-infected area of the body, such as skin of the genital or a*al area not covered by the condom. The absence of visible warts cannot be used to decide whether caution is needed, because HPV can be passed to another person even when there are NO visible warts or other symptoms."

Bleh! I know. Yik! factor 10!
There is a vaccine that you MIGHT be able to get free from your doctor if you ask politely. Otherwise its 500 quid or so to get it done privately.
The good news is that the vaccine works for most of the viruses. Its pretty effective.
So if you are planning of having lots of sexual partners, you should consider vaccination. Cervical cancer tends not to show up in young women. You see it more in age 40's or so. But when it DOES show up, it kills quite a few women. The more partners you have, the greater risk you are at.
Lovely eh? As if the sexual health minefield wasn't bad enough..
Never mind. I suppose we should be cheering from the rooftops that they have discovered such an effective vaccination against cancer. That's a neat trick. Even if I say so myself.
There's a TON of stuff on cervical cancer and mortality rates on the internet if you REALLY want to find out about it.
But if you are a HYPOCHONDRIAC, save yourself the anxiety. Easier just to fork out the 450 quid and be done with it. Then you have no need to worry..

Just thought I would mention, in case you hadn't seen this on the news..
See y'all..

For your reference..
Cervical cancer vaccine for girls aged 12 on Times online.
Vaccination (done privately) for 450 quid, if you feel the urge..

They F*** You Up by Oliver James

They F*** You Up: How to Survive Family Life by Oliver James
I saw this the other day and bought it. It's a good un.
I must admit, I like Oliver James. I like Philip Hodson too. Whatever. This is a good book.

If you had dodgy parents, you MUST read it. It doesn't change anything as such, but it maps out some menta and emotional responses to abusive or negligent situations. Gives you a rough guide as to what you are up against. Without self awareness, you really are sc*ewed.
Awareness is the way out. So inform yourself as to how you are habitually getting in the way of your own sanity, and it will be a DARN site easier to act differently.
I don't see this as an 'answer' as such, just a useful roadmap, that informs me which is the best road to take. It is a good observation of the human condition. Read, and learn.
Knowledge is power. It is no substitute for a spiritual life, or of 'constant thought of others', but in order to behave well, it IS necessary to INFORM ourselves. Not in order to feel sorry for ourselves, but to understand ourselves better, with the aim of avoiding some of the more predictable booby traps. Education is a good thing. Anything that shows us our demons is a good thing. We need to be able to see them in order to overcome them. We cannot fight what we cannot see.

Right I better be off. Have a nice Tuesday!

"Do you think honesty comes in degrees? Or is it all or nothing?"

Door at UCL, originally uploaded by Irish friend of Bill.

I saw this posed on another blog and thought it was an interesting question. Anyway, here's what I make of it.

"Do you think honesty comes in degrees? Or is it all or nothing? "

Neither. Those two alternatives are too limiting.
Holding back keeps you in a retrogressive (and very repetitive) groove, regardless of how often you are honest with the less ego puncturing things.
Secondly, its the effort and the intention that betrays the caliber of ones honesty, not the result.
Going to ANY lengths? Well that's gold plated, lustrous and beautiful.
Half measures? Looks as unattractive as it feels.
There is no need to reconfigure the 'terms and conditions' of the AA programme to fulfill a personal definition. Every word in there tells you EXACTLY what you need to know. You need no further definitions.
I am certain, that you KNOW, without a ! moments hesitation, whether you are going to 'any lengths' to tell the ego puncturing truth. Or not.
See? There's your answer.

I have a TON of half finished posts ! Too do because I am in the midst of preparing for a VERY busy academic year. I am VERY!!!! Excited!
Hopefully I will find the time to post them while I go on an shopping spree, and what have you. (Any excuse!)
I WISH I could tell you how many COOL things have 'rearranged' themselves to make my life workable. I have a pretty busy schedule at the best of times, but I need to get quite ! creative when I put some MORE stuff on my plate.
Suffice to say. God is !!! good! Hahaa.
Anyway. That's another post really..
Right. Gotta go.
Bear with me on the comment moderation. There is a 'Restless irritable and discontent' commenter doing the rounds. Again! No change there then!
Right the gym beckons. As does the desperately alluring Apple store..
Have a great Tueday y'all!

(Yeah and three cheers for Johno on getting in to the new course)
Kudos! See? It works!

Constant thought of Others (Not just Newcomers): ALL life situations can be viewed as "An Opportunity for Service"

There is nothing more to life than giving. Being helpful. Its the only reason we're here really. To TRY to help one another.
See the film Groundhog day.
Any life lived in the absence of 'giving' is a life not worth having. Well that's what I think. A spirit of generosity is EVERYTHING. Without it, it is a VERY grey lackluster world.
This is a clip from the film Groundhog Day with Bill Murray.
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery". (p97)
"CONSTANT thought of Others and how we can help meet their needs" (p20)

Service is NOT something you do at the weekends. Or something you reserve for newcomers. It is an ATTITUDE. A service mindset.
ALL life situations can be viewed as 'An opportunity for service"
Just requires a little imagination. That's all.
Job, prayer life, family life. EVERYTHING can be done with an ATTITUDE of EITHER Self Seeking OR Self Forgetting.
EVE-RY-THING!

Alcoholics are APPALLINGLY Self centered. This CHRONIC self obsession is the root of their suffering. And poisons their experience of their life no matter HOW many fortunate circumstances they may obtain. Including fortunate religious circumstances.

If ALL you do is help the occasional newcomer, and then go right back to being CHRONICALLY SELF OBSESSED, in ALL your affairs, you will CONTINUE to suffer.

Self Seeking v's Self Forgetting
So basically Newcomers are your BEST CHANCE at grasping the importance of not being SELF OBSESSED.
If you think you can view Service as being CONFINED to newcomers, you are SORELY mistaken.
Until you TRANSFER the SKILL of SELF FORGETTING , FIRST acquired whilst working with newcomers, TO EVERY OTHER AREA OF YOUR LIFE , you will continue to "step on the toes of your fellows and they retaliate". (p62)

"Selfishness-self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate" (p62)

So yeah. The first 100 members were Not talking out of their A*SE when they said
"Helping others IS the foundation of your recovery".

Trust me. Its the truth. Whether you like it or not.
Helping NOT JUST NEWCOMERS.
Helping FULL STOP.

That's why they say:
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

OTHERS.
Not JUST newcomers.

Yeah newcomers get PRIORITY. Why?
"Our PRIMARY purpose is to STAY sober and HELP other ALCOHOLICS to ACHIEVE sobriety." (From The AA Preamble)

So yeah. They get TOP priority. In terms of free time. (If any!)
But AFTER that, we help 'others'.
Ie ANYBODY.
Not just arbitrarily.
"Your job now is to be at the place where you may be of MAXIMUM helpfulness to others." (p102) Big Book.

Ie in a way that helps as MANY as possible. So try to help in such a way that brings the greatest benefit to the greatest number with the limited resources of time and energy you have. It is a complex moral argument. One has to delegate time and energy with the consideration of the potential impact one can make. An ineffectual and time consuming ATTEMPT to help, deprives many others who COULD have been helped with a better course of action or a more effectual strategy.
So basically its a very STRATEGIC approach to the expenditure of ones time and energy in trying to help others.

My EXPERIENCE is that when I pursue a life goal with a SELF SEEKING motive
I do not have as much success in achieving that goal, as when I adopt a SELF FORGETTING motive.
My mind is clearer, when I adopt the latter.
I can see the wood for the trees.
More is revealed.
Plus I don't p*ss people off nearly as much.
I meet the right people at the right time.
I 'bump into' the right information.
It just 'works' better.

Yeah DESPERATION gets results too. But the emotional 'fallout' for THAT coping mechanism is VERY high. Its a very UPTIGHT condition to maintain. Unless you plan on anesthetizing yourself with mind altering drugs to 'take the edge off', you could end up like a VERY !!! tightly coiled spring!

How do you know when you are doing this thing?
When you keep having the experience Bill Murray has when he is on the dance floor in the movie Groundhog Day. Ie Almost every conversation he has includes an expression of appreciation for a past act of some sort. There is also some unspoken appreciation which is just as real, but doesn't take the form of words. Its not that difficult to tell when one is appreciated. If people are always glad to see us, we can assume they benefit from their association with us.

But the rule is. Just like Bill Murray does in the film..
YOU DO THESE THINGS ONLY !! TO THE EXTENT THAT THEY LIFT ! YOUR SPIRITS.
If you become a MARTYR
You get 'NIL POINTS'

Why?
Because by becoming a MARTYR
You place yourself in BREACH of the EXPLICIT instruction
"We (meaning the first 100 members) are SURE that GOD WANTS YOU TO BE HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE" p133 Big Book
"WE (meaning the first 100 members) ABSOLUTELY INSIST on ENJOYING LIFE" p132 Big Book

So, Get off the cross we need the wood
Do it like Bill Murray instead.
Have some FUN with it for Gods sakes!

Perhaps that clarifies what I mean when I use the word 'service' better..
Have a good Monday y'all.. Keep on keepin on as they say..

I have a great life, but I would lack the POWER to enjoy it if I did not "Perfect and enlarge my spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice"

I have a great life, (in my opinion anyway) but I would lack the POWER to enjoy it if I did not:
"perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others," (p14)

""Lack of power, that was our dilemma."
as they say.
"we could wish to be philosophically comforted, (ie enjoy all our COOL STUFF) in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power wasn't there. Our human resources, as marshaled by the will, were not sufficient; they failed utterly." (p45)"

Service. Helping others achieve sobriety, and having a life purpose of "constant thought of others and how I can meet their needs" (p20) is the lynch pin of ALL my inner joy.
So, How many newcomers are you helping stay sober these days?
They are TOTALLY mind altering!

People think I am being 'nice' because I try to be helpful. But I am am taking care of ME. Of MY life.
I KNOW that the less self centered I am the BETTER my life works. So keeping my brain in "constant thought of others and how I can meet their needs" (p20) 'gear', by trying to help alcoholics for a short while every day, is no big deal. I see it like brushing my teeth. Or having a shower. It takes about the same amount of time, so what's the problem? Doesn't feel like sacrifice to me. It feels good. Why else would I do it?

So what I'm saying is
SERVICE MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD
"constant thought of others and how I can meet their needs" (p20) MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD

I have cool things in my life, but where does my joy emanate from?
SERVICE
Weird huh?
I've long since stopped trying to figure it out. All I know is THAT'S HOW IT IS. That's how life WORKS.
So that's what I do.
Easy really.

"Showing others who suffer how we were given help is the very thing which makes life seem so worth while to us now." (p124)
"If an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the CERTAIN trials and low spots ahead" (p14)
"Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives."

So if you want to feel gloriously !! happy, fulfilled, and have a sense of meaning and purpose
GO GRAB YOURSELF A PERSON NEWER THAN YOU
And pass on WHATEVER you know. NOMATTTER HOW LITTLE.
Hey you gotta start somewhere.
Just TRY to be helpful. That's all. Just do your lousy best and let go of the outcome.

Then, you can enjoy all the !! Cool things in your life!! Excellent huh?
Oh yeah. And it practically GUARANTEES you stay sober!!
Why?
"Chapter 7 Working with others. Practical experience shows that NOTHING will so much insure immunity from drinking as INTENSIVE work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail." (p89)

So its a DOUBLE WIN really...
Have a nice Thursday y'all..